righto
it's been ages it seems...
Lets see, the New Year has come and gone, as has winter break. Classes are back in session, and we've finally had our first frost. I'm back and ingrained into the monotony of routine, and if I look up from the hustle of daily life I feel myself drowning in my own brought on slip towards depression.
I should have no reason to be slipping, and yet I think the humdrum slowness of the life I'm currently leading is what's bringing it on. It's by far not a terrible life, but it is also not everything I want, though I had hoped it would have been. I think that may be part of what's adding to my discomfort, disappointment. I just have been unable to motivate myself to make change, especially when it comes to the work situation, wherein I feel myself most...strangled, trapped. It seems every thing I find that I'm not comfortable with, every solution I come up with...I set out to make those changes, to alleviate my situations...and then, after I've decided on my course of action...I drop it, and nothing ever happens, and I find myself back where I started, frustrated and closer to giving up. To be honest, my level of lethargy is disturbing. It's about all I can do to stay awake until 10. If I did what I wanted to do...I would come home from work, skipping Tennis, and just go to bed. But, I know that would be incredibly unhealthy, and I don't let myself do it. I make myself go, and I make myself "have fun". I'm just...tired of having to make myself do stuff, even though I know it's for the best.
I guess what's bothering me most is that I see this overwhelming amount of apathy within me, and haven't found a way yet, to well...get rid of it.
This is, of course, nothing new, but it is unnerving. I wish I could find a way to snap out of it.
Of course, the days move on without paying me any heed, and I have found no way out of this prison of inefficiency I seem to have built for myself.
Tennis is as fun as ever. I do actually enjoy it, for the most part. I get along better with the girls at Kicchu rather than Munechu, but I work harder at Munechu, due to lack of members. It's odd, how socially, I normally feel better at Kicchu, I feel more comfortable with those girls. But something...I don't know, it somehow feels more rewarding, at Munechu...something almost like glimpsing the time ages ago when I used to play...for real. It brings a different kind of warmth to me. But the girls there remind me of the girls I hated so much when I was a middle schooler.
Classes...have varying degrees of success and frustration. And as horrible as it is for me to say it, I definitely enjoy myself more with the kids at Kicchu vs Munechu. Although I'm not too sure I'm happier there anymore.
Mostly I'm feeling restless, in need to DO something. I don't know. I want to travel, to get out and SEE some of Japan, as I'm living here, and it seems so much of a waste to not do so. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to manage my finances with much success, and thus, can't really afford to go to the places I want to. Also time is a bit of an issue. While it appears the family that threatened me with death were I not to have the free time to visit with them when they came to visit are no longer coming, I don't really have much holiday anyways. And I don't persay want to travel in this cold. Granted, it's not particularly cold by Denver standards, but the same coldness permeates everything. I know a little trip would d me good, but unfortunately I have missed my chance, at least until February, if I want to make the most of my time.
But, I haven't seen Akira since Christmas, and as much as I want to travel somewhere NEW, I desperately miss him, and I know I would use my 3 day weekend in February to go see him. I also have promised Richard to go visit him, and already have train tickets, that expire the beginning of March, and so must use them before then. But again, going to Fukuoka, while would satisfy the desire to get out of the almost smothering feeling a small town like Kitsuki has, but it would not satisfy my urge to see or do something new. And thus would only offer me limited relief. It's like having a cold, and only treating one of the symptoms, not actually doing anything to get rid of the sickness.
Hopefully I can keep afloat until I can work things out enough to take the 2 trips I have...mostly planned? Or seems I've found myself decided on.
I also NEED to desperately find a way to make myself follow through with all the good intentions I have set forth. While I have taken the first steps, the ones most difficult, having given up upon it, doesn't help issues any, and I revert back to square one, back to needing to take the first steps all over again, only worse somehow due the the shame of needing to do it a second time.
I had quite the amusing moment today in class. One of my first graders managed to bring quite the smile to my face. The new grammar is "be + ing" ie "I am studying English." So, they were doing workbook exercises in class, and Kougaku calls out IN ENGLISH "Sensei?" me: "Yeah?" K: "Come look at this. Do you think she is eating lunch?" he motioned to the picture of a girl holding a bowl of rice, with a plate of eggs in front of her. "This doesn't look like lunch to me. What do you think?" me, mouth agape, sputtering "Wow, um, you have a point. That looks more like breakfast to me too." K: "Thanks, that's what I thought" And he laughs a little laugh, and hunkers back down to do his work. I smiled and shook my head, as he had not only successfully used the new grammar effortlessly, but he had poked holes in the EXAMPLE sentence, and made a bit of a joke about it, with me, in english. oh he makes my day, and somehow gives me hope.
I am fine, I mean...idle, and feeling suffocated due to that, but physically, I'm healthy, my knee feels stronger than it has in years, I've managed to at least maintain a steady weight...financially I do make ends meet, I'm managing to make my student loan payment every month, bills are paid, and I have a comfortable roof over my mouth, with food in my belly. Hell, I even have a boyfriend, THAT'S a fairly new one for me, especially as I'm pretty content with the relationship, aside from wishing I could see more of him. He's good to me, and for that I know I'm fortunate. So I suppose this new year has started with me well and healthy and better off than others. Though it seems I am suffering a bit mentally. I suppose I'm mostly in the need of some motivation, sadly it's something I'm gonna have to learn myself. Though I'm really at a loss as to how.
So. Welcome to the Year of the Boar everyone. Fellow folks born in 83, if you didn't happen to know it, this is our year.
Um, right. There really is an overwhelming amount of nothing in my life, so I think I'll go ahead and call it quits for the time being, and head off to the shower. If I bathe now, my hair should be dry before bed, and I can even get in an hour or so of Kingdom Hearts 2 before bed, as well as a few more chapters of "reading", or rather listening to the book tape.
Lets see, the New Year has come and gone, as has winter break. Classes are back in session, and we've finally had our first frost. I'm back and ingrained into the monotony of routine, and if I look up from the hustle of daily life I feel myself drowning in my own brought on slip towards depression.
I should have no reason to be slipping, and yet I think the humdrum slowness of the life I'm currently leading is what's bringing it on. It's by far not a terrible life, but it is also not everything I want, though I had hoped it would have been. I think that may be part of what's adding to my discomfort, disappointment. I just have been unable to motivate myself to make change, especially when it comes to the work situation, wherein I feel myself most...strangled, trapped. It seems every thing I find that I'm not comfortable with, every solution I come up with...I set out to make those changes, to alleviate my situations...and then, after I've decided on my course of action...I drop it, and nothing ever happens, and I find myself back where I started, frustrated and closer to giving up. To be honest, my level of lethargy is disturbing. It's about all I can do to stay awake until 10. If I did what I wanted to do...I would come home from work, skipping Tennis, and just go to bed. But, I know that would be incredibly unhealthy, and I don't let myself do it. I make myself go, and I make myself "have fun". I'm just...tired of having to make myself do stuff, even though I know it's for the best.
I guess what's bothering me most is that I see this overwhelming amount of apathy within me, and haven't found a way yet, to well...get rid of it.
This is, of course, nothing new, but it is unnerving. I wish I could find a way to snap out of it.
Of course, the days move on without paying me any heed, and I have found no way out of this prison of inefficiency I seem to have built for myself.
Tennis is as fun as ever. I do actually enjoy it, for the most part. I get along better with the girls at Kicchu rather than Munechu, but I work harder at Munechu, due to lack of members. It's odd, how socially, I normally feel better at Kicchu, I feel more comfortable with those girls. But something...I don't know, it somehow feels more rewarding, at Munechu...something almost like glimpsing the time ages ago when I used to play...for real. It brings a different kind of warmth to me. But the girls there remind me of the girls I hated so much when I was a middle schooler.
Classes...have varying degrees of success and frustration. And as horrible as it is for me to say it, I definitely enjoy myself more with the kids at Kicchu vs Munechu. Although I'm not too sure I'm happier there anymore.
Mostly I'm feeling restless, in need to DO something. I don't know. I want to travel, to get out and SEE some of Japan, as I'm living here, and it seems so much of a waste to not do so. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to manage my finances with much success, and thus, can't really afford to go to the places I want to. Also time is a bit of an issue. While it appears the family that threatened me with death were I not to have the free time to visit with them when they came to visit are no longer coming, I don't really have much holiday anyways. And I don't persay want to travel in this cold. Granted, it's not particularly cold by Denver standards, but the same coldness permeates everything. I know a little trip would d me good, but unfortunately I have missed my chance, at least until February, if I want to make the most of my time.
But, I haven't seen Akira since Christmas, and as much as I want to travel somewhere NEW, I desperately miss him, and I know I would use my 3 day weekend in February to go see him. I also have promised Richard to go visit him, and already have train tickets, that expire the beginning of March, and so must use them before then. But again, going to Fukuoka, while would satisfy the desire to get out of the almost smothering feeling a small town like Kitsuki has, but it would not satisfy my urge to see or do something new. And thus would only offer me limited relief. It's like having a cold, and only treating one of the symptoms, not actually doing anything to get rid of the sickness.
Hopefully I can keep afloat until I can work things out enough to take the 2 trips I have...mostly planned? Or seems I've found myself decided on.
I also NEED to desperately find a way to make myself follow through with all the good intentions I have set forth. While I have taken the first steps, the ones most difficult, having given up upon it, doesn't help issues any, and I revert back to square one, back to needing to take the first steps all over again, only worse somehow due the the shame of needing to do it a second time.
I had quite the amusing moment today in class. One of my first graders managed to bring quite the smile to my face. The new grammar is "be + ing" ie "I am studying English." So, they were doing workbook exercises in class, and Kougaku calls out IN ENGLISH "Sensei?" me: "Yeah?" K: "Come look at this. Do you think she is eating lunch?" he motioned to the picture of a girl holding a bowl of rice, with a plate of eggs in front of her. "This doesn't look like lunch to me. What do you think?" me, mouth agape, sputtering "Wow, um, you have a point. That looks more like breakfast to me too." K: "Thanks, that's what I thought" And he laughs a little laugh, and hunkers back down to do his work. I smiled and shook my head, as he had not only successfully used the new grammar effortlessly, but he had poked holes in the EXAMPLE sentence, and made a bit of a joke about it, with me, in english. oh he makes my day, and somehow gives me hope.
I am fine, I mean...idle, and feeling suffocated due to that, but physically, I'm healthy, my knee feels stronger than it has in years, I've managed to at least maintain a steady weight...financially I do make ends meet, I'm managing to make my student loan payment every month, bills are paid, and I have a comfortable roof over my mouth, with food in my belly. Hell, I even have a boyfriend, THAT'S a fairly new one for me, especially as I'm pretty content with the relationship, aside from wishing I could see more of him. He's good to me, and for that I know I'm fortunate. So I suppose this new year has started with me well and healthy and better off than others. Though it seems I am suffering a bit mentally. I suppose I'm mostly in the need of some motivation, sadly it's something I'm gonna have to learn myself. Though I'm really at a loss as to how.
So. Welcome to the Year of the Boar everyone. Fellow folks born in 83, if you didn't happen to know it, this is our year.
Um, right. There really is an overwhelming amount of nothing in my life, so I think I'll go ahead and call it quits for the time being, and head off to the shower. If I bathe now, my hair should be dry before bed, and I can even get in an hour or so of Kingdom Hearts 2 before bed, as well as a few more chapters of "reading", or rather listening to the book tape.