[Ravi/Sofie] - the awkwardest of conversations
Who:
Ravindra
Sofia
When: Day after Sofia's indiscretion on the ledgers.
Where: The Naran home
Rating & Warnings: PG for domestic disputes & language
holy shit this turned out long.
Sofia was never going to leave the house again. That's the decision she came to while she laid huddled up in her bed and the world around her seeming to have exploded in light and pain. She might go stir crazy by staying in, probably end up painting every inch of the house to keep herself distracted, but that was far better than what she would have to deal with outside. All because of her own anxiety and far too much wine led to ruining any sort of modest reputation she had. Sofia wanted to pray that the evening never happened, that she never wrote anything in the Ledger, nor did the things she did with her Husband's tall coworker.
Both of those events still happened. No matter how much she prayed, there wasn't any way to change what happened, even without the hangover.
Ugh, the hangover. Sofia swore to herself that she was never going to drink another drop after this. It was one thing to do humiliating actions while drunk, it was whole other humiliation and punishment to deal with the brunt the hangover. She should probably get rid of that bucket after she was done with it.
It was going on late afternoon and after spending the entire day curled up in a ball and emptying what seemed to be her soul into a tin bucket, she was now just starting to get hungry. Using her blankets like a cloak, her drained form slowly shuffled its way out of her bedroom and down the stairs toward the kitchen. Maybe if she was lucky, Ravi would decide to take care of work or his needs. If little else, he hopefully was asleep.
Sofia was out of luck. By late afternoon, Ravi had taken care of what he needed to do at the station and was coming home to have a talk he really did not want to have. At least it would get his mind off of the case long enough that he shouldn't have to worry about a confirmation bias when he went back to compare Alex's bite with the wounds on Myron.
Still, it wasn't exactly optimal as distractions went. He put it off. He went home, but detoured to the kitchen. Fixed himself a lunch, ate it, and then sat there and smoked a cigarette. Two. He'd go talk to her after this one. Really.
He didn't have to. She came down first. Her sudden appearance startled him; his head snapped toward her and he stared for a moment before realizing he needed to not act freaked out. He took a deep breath, reached up to take the cigarette from his mouth, and let it out in a slow trail of smoke. "Good morning," he said. It wasn't morning and certainly for her it wasn't very good, but that was the point.
Even with Ravi's sudden spazz of her half-dead appearance, Sofia didn't so much as give any motion to look at him. Instead, her sullen eyes remained forward as she continued to shuffle her way toward the tea pot, the long tail of her blanket trailing behind her. After a good minute and when her hand was on the tea pot handle did she finally started to mumble. It was quiet at best, garbled at worst thanks to her not even trying to hold back her East European accent.
"G'mrrningh"
Not quite coherent yet, it seemed. That was fine. He'd wait. It wasn't like he was in a hurry to get this conversation underway, anyway. So he sat back, finishing off his cigarette, and waited for her to finish making tea and come sit at the table.
It took her a few minutes, mostly because her movements seemed to be lethargic and slow to make much action. After about five minutes though, she had managed to sit herself down at the table with tea in hand. She had already taken a few sips of it and there was life returning very slowly to her. She didn't say anything however, only staring at her tea as she sat there.
Cigarette gone, ashtray full, thoughts jumbled. Ravi shifted in his chair, a motion accompanied by the clinking of his mail. He didn't even know what to say, he really didn't. Last night had been terribly embarrassing for the both of them. Sofia didn't need a lecture. She knew what she'd done. The shame of it was punishment enough.
But they needed to talk about this. They both knew how things had ended up this way, why she'd snapped the way she had. There was a problem here, and they couldn't just let it sit the way it had for so long.
"Sofia," he started. "...What do you want?"
He wanted to talk. Well, talking was fine. Maybe, but Sofia didn't know where to begin or if they should even talk about anything. Everything was already said and done, she already more than shamed herself not just to her husband, but to her husband's coworkers, to her daughter and the general public.
No, she really didn't know what to say. Words were at a loss to her. So for now, she just stared at her tea cup, maybe then she could find the right words to start something she didn't want to start in the first place. Wait, what was that wetness that she was feeling on her cheeks? Was she crying? Well, she really sure about crying right now. In fact, now that she could feel them start to trickle down her face, she realized wanted this less than she wanted to talk. She tried to will herself to stop, sucking her breath in the hopes that it would restrain her but the only thing that came away where small audible sobs.
She already knew that Ravi was likely getting real uncomfortable and she wanted to apologize but was fearful of making her condition even worse. So instead, she just sat there and shook while she filled her half filled tea cup with her droplets of tears.
Oh, god damn it. Was she crying? All he could do was freeze up and stare. She was crying. What had he even said to make her cry? He'd just asked what she wanted--was that really such a sensitive subject? Fuuuck what was he even supposed to do?! With Amelia it was easy, he'd just hug her and she'd cry into his shoulder for a while and when she was done they could talk, but this--it wasn't the same. That was the right way to respond to a daughter, not a friend-wife.
Surely the last thing she wanted him to do was call attention to it. So he waited, not looking at her, and tried to ignore that she was crying at all. When she was ready to talk, he would answer.
It actually was the correct way to respond to a wife, but it's okay since you don't exactly know what to do with a wife anyway, Ravi 8(
She still continued sobbing, both feeling a little pathetic to be doing so as it is, but having Ravi just sit there made her feel a little more shameful. Finally though, her fits were starting to subside, using the back of her hands to rub away her blotched cheeks from any excess left over.
"S-sorry." She mumbled. "Didn't mean to...to start up like that."
His attention snapped back to her when she spoke. He responded gently. "No, it is--it is fine, Sofia, you are upset." Certainly she had reason to be. She'd embarrassed herself more than him, last night.
"I only..." He paused, leaning to one side of his chair, his elbow on the armrest, and gestured vaguely with that hand. He was fidgeting, acting restless--the obvious sign of his discomfort, which he made no effort to hide in front of his wife because she would notice it anyway. "I only want to know what we can do to fix this."
She continued to rub her eyes, getting a little frustrated that they didn't seem to clear up enough for her own satisfaction.
"I...I don't know." The best answer was an honest one, wasn't it? How were they going to solve this? It already seemed like they had this conversation a one too many times and each time made it painfully obvious how completely unlike and uncomfortable their marriage was for the both of them.
He sighed, letting his arm fall, and his gaze fell with it. He considered for a moment before looking back up to her and asking again, "What do you want, Sofia?" It was the only place they could start. Only after they outlined the real problem could they work out a solution.
"That...that's just it. I don't know what I want." Or at least, she couldn't put it into word. She glanced up at her husband, a ragged breath escaping her body as she finally started to calm down.
Aaaugh going nowhere. He set his face in his hand, arm still propped on the armrest. He really wanted to just drop the conversation there and walk away, but he knew he couldn't. If they didn't get this worked out, nothing would change, and she'd just keep feeling the way she was feeling without ever saying anything more about it.
And anyway, he knew exactly what the problem was, he was only trying to get her to say it herself. "You want a man," he said, not looking up. "Yes?"
If Sofia was drinking her tea, she might've done a spit take. Sadly, her tea probably tasted really salty if she drunk from it now. Instead, Sofia's head shrunk a little as her eyes were wide while they stared at Ravi in disbelief. "..W-what?"
He gave her a flat look. "Yes?" Don't try to deny it, Sofie, he read that post!
It was almost painful at just how embarrassing it was to admit it, even to herself. Before last night, Sofia wanted to see herself as a woman of class. A well mannered woman who only wanted romance. That all seemed to blow up in her face now. Her head lowered a little, as if trying to dodge an invisible blow. Her sickly palle cheeks grew a mild shade of color.
"A-ah. Yes, I guess." She muttered, doing her best not to look at him. Especially when she brought up her next line. "I, um. I don't want only that though. I mean, It-its not entirely-I don't think it just going to bed with-"
Oh dear, how was she going to say it without it sounding painfully depressing.
Okay. That was getting somewhere. He straightened, sitting up in the chair. She wanted more than just sex. Romance, it sounded like. She had an emotional need to fill, and not just a physical one. He understood the need well enough, but he was a little annoyed that this was an issue. "I have never stopped you from taking a lover, Sofia. You know that."
His annoyed reply only received a mildly annoyed reply of her own. "That's easy for you to say. You're a man."
Oh, this time he didn't even try to hide the annoyance. He leaned forward slightly, eyes narrowed at her. "What?" Say that again, Sofie. Tell him again that it was easy for a man to find male lovers when he was trying to keep his preferences a secret. Say it, he dared you.
If things were different, even if this conversation was yesterday or the day after, Sofia definitely would be intimidated enough to take back her words and just shut her mouth right then and there. It even had been best to do just that. However, it maybe because she probably already ruined her life or that she just had to deal with a near cataclysmic hangover, but there was something inside her that just wanted to continue talking. It wasn't like her life could get much worse.
"I could just go and actively find love, sure. I couldn't tell you how much I would love that, but its far too late for that."
She shifted her legs and briefly re-situated her blanket over her shoulders before continuing. "In my homeland, women have to be dutiful partners to their husbands, even if they find their fancies elsewhere. Women who try to find something close to the same as their husbands did were considered sluts or temptresses. This isn't Poland, but I still would have to suffer the backlash if I was ever caught. I even have a daughter that I have to think of too. You might not give it much regard when you go out at night, but I do."
Sofia briefly looked up at Ravi, half wondering if he was finally going to hit her or maybe flip a table. Either way, she quickly looked away again. "Sorry."
He did want to flip the table, mostly because she was STILL ARGUING WITH HIM. He listened through her whole response, just glaring and stewing and wanting to shout that she was an idiot and no, she was not, in fact, actually sorry at all.
He didn't, though. He didn't do any of that. His fingers curled into claws on the armrests, though she couldn't see that over the table, and that kept him from reaching out and throwing something. "Do not imply," he said, his voice level and cold, "that my affairs outside of this house mean I love my goddaughter any less than you do."
To be quite honest, she really wasn't and was probably only sorry she told him in such a manner. He did want to hear what her problems were though.
Her own temper was starting to flare, which helped at least in this instance. "Of course not. I know you love Amelia..."
Her eyes snapped up to glare right back at Ravi's own. She'd be lying if she didn't admit she was intimidated, but the emotion she felt was something long overdue. "But you're not the one who had to cover for you! I had to lie to her, Ravi. I don't like lying and I wouldn't be happy having to do that even more so in order to try to make myself happy."
By the time she finished those words, her chest felt heavy again. She really did feel horrible, the more she thought about it. "I...I don't know. I want love, but not at the cost of lying or having to deal with even more secrecy."
She was only making him angrier by arguing this point, to tell him that he didn't love his goddaughter because, the gods forbid, he dared to seek physical intimacy outside of this house. And then--and then!--to sit there and talk to him about lying, poor her, having to lie to Amelia to cover for him! As if he did not have to live a life full of lies, as if he did not have to lie every day about who he was.
"Of course, Sofia, it must be hard for you to have to lie to her about me leaving at night. It is awful of me to force you to tell her that I leave the house occasionally. Your life is very difficult." Though he still sounded calm and cold, there was smoldering rage in there. He was about five seconds away from flipping the table and walking out of the room.
Sofia growled, which truth be told, sounded more like a puppy growl than anything really intimidating. "You wanted honesty, so I'm giving it! Don't you get pissed with me for it!"
She was about two steps from getting up and leaving herself. He just didn't understand it! He didn't want to understand it! All he cared about was his own well being than any of her own troubles! The only reason he came to her now was because she accidently made it troublesome for her. For such a tiny woman, she could already feel her blood boiling.
He slammed a fist onto the table, which was slightly better than flipping it--slightly. "I am angry because you brought Amelia into this conversation as leverage!"
She slammed her own hands down (Which was nowhere near intimidating as Ravi's) and stood up in outrage. " How dare you! I was not using her like that at all! I was being honest with you and giving you something that hurt me the most! Don't blame me if you don't like what you hear, It's why I haven't told you until now!"
"All I am hearing is you blaming everyone else for your problems! The problem is you, Sofia, the problem is you deciding that you don't want to be happy. Well, fine. Be unhappy, since you are so determined." He got up, thankfully not at the expense of any furniture, and stormed out of the room.
"Don't you walk away from me!" She snapped as her husband started to walk away. Her body was already trembling with rage and anguish. " God damn it, I hate it when you do that. Why... Why is it that I'm suddenly the bad person because I value marriage for what it is!?"
It was ridiculous, just plain, utterly ridiculous that so many people were so willing to throw away their marriage. No matter how much she tried to keep it all together, to be faithful to something that made her completely miserable. All that Ravi had to... "All you are doing is suddenly telling me how horrible I am for getting angry for being absolutely loyal to something that's made our lives dificult, Well then I 'm sorry! "
Her chest heaved from how passionate and upset she felt about it. Sofia tried to catch her breath and could only mutter out her next words. "I just...I just wanted things to be normal and nice. Even if...even if they weren't...Normal exactly."
He whirled around in the doorway, slamming his arm against the wall and leaning on it as he glowered at her. He had to hit things, because it was the only way he could keep himself listening instead of running over to hit her.
"Things will never be 'normal' between us, Sofia. I cannot be the husband you want. I never could, and I never can, and your loyalty is meaningless because there is nothing to be loyal to."
She was starting to acclimate to his display of violence, or that the rush of emotion was dulling Sofia's concern for them. Hearing those words still hurt, but not the way Ravi expected them to. They only hurt because it just affirms how much he wasn't willing to compromise. "Don't you think I know that!? The only reason you even give a damn right now is because your fancy nearly got found out! You've never cared how I really felt. If you did, you would've been a lot nicer from the start this entire mess, but you haven't and you aren't and you can't expect all of these problems to go away because you throw me at some whorehouse. If you don't want me commenting about your love life, fine! Don't start suddenly getting interested that I don't have one! I'll deal with finding love when and where it happens and not have myself reduce to buying someone's time to satisfy simple needs because my husband thinks it would be best!"
Damn it, he did care for reasons besides her misery making his life inconvenient. They were friends, sort of, weren't they? He cared about what she did with her life. That was why he had encouraged her to submit her work to the art contest. That was why he wanted her to quit clinging to a relationship that didn't exist and move on. That was why he was asking how they could fix things instead of simply reprimanding her outburst and moving on.
But right now he was really too angry to say that, and even though he'd gotten pissed off earlier for her bringing Amelia into the conversation, he was a big fat hypocrite right now and dragged her in to make a point himself. "You will not let yourself 'find love where and when it happens,'" he said, "because you are too busy diverting every man who pays you any attention onto Amelia."
That earned Ravi a breif pause from the anger that was burning in Sofia. Her arms falling back to her side as she looked down at her feet. "I..I know. I only did that in the hopes that she wouldn't end up like us. Maybe find some man she could fall in love with and live happily. She told last night that she wasn't ready for it, though. If I love her enough, I'll respect that and try not to again."
"You don't want her to be forced to be with a man she does not want, and so you force her to be with men she does not want?" How had the hypocrisy of that escaped her notice so long? How was she only just now realizing Amelia didn't like the dates Sofie set her up on? The whole reason Ravi hadn't ever tried to hook Amelia up with anybody was because he didn't want her to end up in the same situation as him and Sofie.
"It's not like that! It's only...small dates. Just let her test the waters and have all the choices she can be given." She'd admit, she was being a little hypocritical, but it was for the best, wasn't it? She hoped so, but then again her daughter did tell her to stop.
He leaned against the doorframe, pressing one hand over his eyes. Really, Sofia? You thought that helped? "But you will stop now, yes?" Despite how many times he'd told her to knock it off, of course she only stopped once she actually paused long enough to pick up on Amelia's feelings.
Ravi's facepalm really made Sofia feel a little pathetic now, a lot of the anger seeming to fade with uncomfortable atmosphere of knowing that probably hadn't thought out her plan regarding her goddaughter very well. A hand came up to rub her other arm in uncertainty. "Y-yeah?"
"She, Um, told me last night how she felt. If she's not interested in boys right now, then she's not interested in boys right now. Though, she might have a crush on an Other." Sofia really didn't know how to explain how Amelia seemed to like an oversized snake, nor wanted to think about it for too long.
Ravi lowered his hand and raised an eyebrow at her. A crush on an Other? The naga, probably. She did talk about him a lot. But he didn't know whether to take Sofie's word for it or assume she was only seeing what she hoped to see--that is, Amelia interested in a boy, any boy. "Did you ask her?"
Wait, they weren't supposed to be discussing Amelia's potential romantic interests outside of getting Sofie to stop shoving new ones at her. He pushed himself away from the wall, straightening. "Never mind, we can discuss Amelia later. What I want is for you to stop turning the men who are interested in you onto her. Let them be interested in you. Look for someone, Sofia. Do not force yourself to turn them away because you want," to keep your fucking moral high ground, "to stay loyal to this marriage."
"Well, um, no, but I didn't want to scare her away from it by asking. I thought maybe it would be best to wait it out and see." Creepy big snake or not, Sofia kind of hoped Amelia did find someone. One less big thing to worry about if it were true.
As for Ravi's real intentions for this conversation, Sofia straightened and let out a deep sigh. "I don't turn them away for just that reason alone, though it is a big factor. Most of the time there isn't really anything clicking with the men that come to me."
She felt kind of silly to rely on something so minor as a 'click', but why else pursue other men if not for the pursuit of love?
A click. Really, that excuse just left him exasperated. She would be waiting forever if she waited for love at first sight. "Sofia," he started, and then hesitated trying to find the words (because "that's bullshit and you know it" were not the appropriate ones). "There is not always a 'click.' I have...been in love." And still was. "When I first met him," it felt so awkward putting this out there in these terms, talking about it openly; he spoke haltingly, pausing to pull his thoughts back into line every so often, and didn't focus on her as he spoke, "I hated him, actually. He was very irritating. But then we became friends, and then one day I realized I was in love. And that is...that is the sort of thing you need to give a chance to."
Sofia shrugged, a little half-heartedly. "That's good for you, I guess. I've never felt it and only heard about it in stories. I'm not sure how best to go about dating." She herself found her words halting, and her accent dipping a little into her native Polish accent as she was trying to find proper words than focus keeping her words clear. "Having the added trouble of being married doesn't exactly make it easier either."
Though, he did mention that he loved someone and that earned an awkward, if unsure look from Ravi's wife. There were always suspicions of it being the case, Sofia was not blind. Still, she started to wonder. "Did you two ever...?"
He folded his arms, but held back the sigh. She was completely missing his point, that the reason she never felt it was because she never gave it a chance to develop. But she was just going to continue being willfully obtuse, wasn't she? So he didn't bother arguing the point. Maybe he'd just find her somebody, the same way she kept finding people for Amelia.
She would ask that, wouldn't she? His gaze moved away from her, settling on nothing. "...No." Never even told him, and never would. Why did it matter, anyway? Why did she even want to know?
Sofia bit her lip at watching Ravi fold his arms. She was obviously doing something wrong, but she couldn't tell whether that body language was out of Ravi's own opinion or something she was obviously missing. Though surely after 15 years and apparently fallen in love, Ravindra had some idea how to go about all of this. "How...do you even start?"
Oh. Well knowing that was sort of a good thing. Sofia really didn't know if she would be angry or not that Ravi had orchestrated an affair with Catherine's husband behind her back. Not that you really needed to sleep around to do that. She was starting to feel angry again and her eyes hardened while staring at Ravi. "Did Cathy know about this?"
How do you start? Aw man, Sofie, hell if he knew, he didn't do dating. Even if he knew all the rules, the game completely changed when you started talking about men dating other men, and so his advice wouldn't be helpful anyway. He couldn't just shrug and tell her he had no clue, though. "Start the same way you expected Amelia to start." Just, you know, instead of diverting men toward her and arranging dates for her, arrange them for yourself! EASY SOFIE.
But he was not down with this sudden prying into his personal life. Yes, Cathy knew he was in love with Alex, no she didn't care, why was it important? "Why do you care?"
While she appreciated the suggestion, Sofia's eyebrows already knitted together in weariness. There were several differences between setting up Amelia with dates and setting herself up with them. The biggest factor being that she herself wasn't exactly publically elligable. There was also that Amelia was younger, prettier and just all around better than she was. Quite frankly, Sofia was at a loss of what to do.
That subject could wait a little longer though! "I could understand loving someone and I can't blame you or Alex for pursuing that emotion, but how could you do that to Cathy!"
Really, she had no idea her late best friend would hide such a sad situation from her, but maybe she just didn't want Sofia to feel the added pressure of such a shame? That almost made sense, but then if Alex was gay, how did Amelia come about? Catherine seemed pretty in love with her late husband also. In fact, the more she started to think about it in more detail, the more she was confused.
Why couldn't anything make sense in her life for once!
...What?
Oh for fuck's sake--that was how she was going to completely misinterpret his not wanting to talk about it? He let out an exasperated half-growl, half-sigh. "I never even told Alex, Sofia. Stop being dramatic."
"...Oh." There was that deflated feeling again. So, Ravi didn't tell Alex anything about his love for the other man. Probably worried about the reaction he'd get if he did. It surprisingly made obvious sense now why he was so dedicated toward the Varista family, more so than simply just true comrades. It was getting a little bit of a Greek tragedy. It made her feel a little bad now for making such an accusation. "Sorry,"
"So...When did you figure out how you felt? What was it like?" She asked, feeling a little awkward, even after all these years, of asking her husband about the first time he fell in love with another man.
Ugh, he didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't exactly easy to discuss, especially since Alex's sudden reappearance had caused a resurgence of those feelings and now the longing was raw in a way it hadn't been for decades.
But he was Ravi, so straight out saying "I don't want to talk about it" wasn't something he was capable of! Instead, he said, "I don't think my answer will be useful for you."
"Well, he certainly had an effect on you if you ended up in love with him. I just wanted to know more about him." At the very least, she'd be able to understand Ravi a little more. After 15 years, she still felt like she hardly knew him, which was kind troubling to feel. Not so much in the feeling of 'I don't know my husband' as it was 'I've lived with this person for this long and I only know his name.'
"If you really don't feel comfortable about it, that's fine. I'll drop the subject." She added in.
He just didn't want to talk about his feelings. They were a complicated mess that he didn't feel like dissecting and laying out there for her. Telling her more about Alex, though, that he could do. "Alex is very much like Amelia. But...maybe not as smart." That part he said with a wry smile. "Also a less active imagination. But funny, and friends with everyone, and does not know when to stop talking, and also willing to put up with me." Which, Sofie no doubt understood, was no easy task.
Sofia had heard something similar from Catherine, and Ravi's explanation of the man helped out picturing Amelia's father a little more. The last part was certainly an accomplishment, though from the wry smile on Ravi's face already hinted that he knew the same. That was good at least, knowing that he wasn't blind to how difficult he was sometimes. She smiled. "I bet he was pretty...ah, cute too."
Awkward sidelong glance. "Ah--Yes." Aaand getting back into territory he didn't want to talk about anymore.
"Anyway, Sofia," SUBJECT CHANGE GO, "the next time a man comes up to you, give him a chance. That is all I am asking for."
Oh come on, Ravi. She was trying to connect here. This should have gotten somewhere. It was Sofia's turn to let out an exasperated sigh and let the whole thing pass.
"Right, I'll try." She answered, finally looking down at the table to notice that it had become a mess thanks to the previous beating. She slowly went about cleaning up. "If it means anything, I still would like to get together sometime. Just relax, maybe try to get along a little more. Maybe go watch a play? What do you normally like doing?"
"Ah..." What did he normally like doing? Not going out. Staying home with his cat and knitting. Telling stories when the Guard went drinking together, if he had to go out. Mostly, though, being a shut-in. "We can do whatever you like, Sofia."
She couldn't help it, she gave Ravi a disapproving frown. She really hated it when he made that kind of answer. It was like no matter what thing she chose, it was always going to be something that didn't interest him or made him uncomfortable.
But Okay, that's fine Sofie. Just breathe. Breathe deep and smile and maybe there's some way to salvage this from the start. There's got to be something he'd like, right? Even shut-ins have their interests. "Do you like any local bards? Or maybe you could teach me how to knit?"
Well, that was because he didn't like going out and doing stuff, Sofie! Gosh!
He almost winced at the bards suggestion, because, again, didn't like going out. But then she followed up with something that he actually might enjoy doing instead of just tolerating for her sake, and his eyebrows raised by a barely notable margin. "If you want to learn, yes, I could teach you."
It was like a weight lifted off Sofia's shoulders, finally getting an answer she could like. She beamed and nodded as she lifted the messy tea plate and ash tray. "I would certainly love to learn. Hmm, tomorrow perhaps?"
Okay. Wow. That worked? She was satisfied? Amazing. Ravi was a little surprised, actually, he hadn't really expected her to like the answer. (She never liked his answers.) "Tomorrow is fine."
Not that this solved the whole underlying issue of her outburst on the ledgers, or told her how to go about ~*finding somebody*~, but he probably needed a better answer to give her before they could really discuss what to do about that. For now, things seemed like they were going to be calm. He could worry about it later.
Ravindra
Sofia
When: Day after Sofia's indiscretion on the ledgers.
Where: The Naran home
Rating & Warnings: PG for domestic disputes & language
holy shit this turned out long.
Sofia was never going to leave the house again. That's the decision she came to while she laid huddled up in her bed and the world around her seeming to have exploded in light and pain. She might go stir crazy by staying in, probably end up painting every inch of the house to keep herself distracted, but that was far better than what she would have to deal with outside. All because of her own anxiety and far too much wine led to ruining any sort of modest reputation she had. Sofia wanted to pray that the evening never happened, that she never wrote anything in the Ledger, nor did the things she did with her Husband's tall coworker.
Both of those events still happened. No matter how much she prayed, there wasn't any way to change what happened, even without the hangover.
Ugh, the hangover. Sofia swore to herself that she was never going to drink another drop after this. It was one thing to do humiliating actions while drunk, it was whole other humiliation and punishment to deal with the brunt the hangover. She should probably get rid of that bucket after she was done with it.
It was going on late afternoon and after spending the entire day curled up in a ball and emptying what seemed to be her soul into a tin bucket, she was now just starting to get hungry. Using her blankets like a cloak, her drained form slowly shuffled its way out of her bedroom and down the stairs toward the kitchen. Maybe if she was lucky, Ravi would decide to take care of work or his needs. If little else, he hopefully was asleep.
Sofia was out of luck. By late afternoon, Ravi had taken care of what he needed to do at the station and was coming home to have a talk he really did not want to have. At least it would get his mind off of the case long enough that he shouldn't have to worry about a confirmation bias when he went back to compare Alex's bite with the wounds on Myron.
Still, it wasn't exactly optimal as distractions went. He put it off. He went home, but detoured to the kitchen. Fixed himself a lunch, ate it, and then sat there and smoked a cigarette. Two. He'd go talk to her after this one. Really.
He didn't have to. She came down first. Her sudden appearance startled him; his head snapped toward her and he stared for a moment before realizing he needed to not act freaked out. He took a deep breath, reached up to take the cigarette from his mouth, and let it out in a slow trail of smoke. "Good morning," he said. It wasn't morning and certainly for her it wasn't very good, but that was the point.
Even with Ravi's sudden spazz of her half-dead appearance, Sofia didn't so much as give any motion to look at him. Instead, her sullen eyes remained forward as she continued to shuffle her way toward the tea pot, the long tail of her blanket trailing behind her. After a good minute and when her hand was on the tea pot handle did she finally started to mumble. It was quiet at best, garbled at worst thanks to her not even trying to hold back her East European accent.
"G'mrrningh"
Not quite coherent yet, it seemed. That was fine. He'd wait. It wasn't like he was in a hurry to get this conversation underway, anyway. So he sat back, finishing off his cigarette, and waited for her to finish making tea and come sit at the table.
It took her a few minutes, mostly because her movements seemed to be lethargic and slow to make much action. After about five minutes though, she had managed to sit herself down at the table with tea in hand. She had already taken a few sips of it and there was life returning very slowly to her. She didn't say anything however, only staring at her tea as she sat there.
Cigarette gone, ashtray full, thoughts jumbled. Ravi shifted in his chair, a motion accompanied by the clinking of his mail. He didn't even know what to say, he really didn't. Last night had been terribly embarrassing for the both of them. Sofia didn't need a lecture. She knew what she'd done. The shame of it was punishment enough.
But they needed to talk about this. They both knew how things had ended up this way, why she'd snapped the way she had. There was a problem here, and they couldn't just let it sit the way it had for so long.
"Sofia," he started. "...What do you want?"
He wanted to talk. Well, talking was fine. Maybe, but Sofia didn't know where to begin or if they should even talk about anything. Everything was already said and done, she already more than shamed herself not just to her husband, but to her husband's coworkers, to her daughter and the general public.
No, she really didn't know what to say. Words were at a loss to her. So for now, she just stared at her tea cup, maybe then she could find the right words to start something she didn't want to start in the first place. Wait, what was that wetness that she was feeling on her cheeks? Was she crying? Well, she really sure about crying right now. In fact, now that she could feel them start to trickle down her face, she realized wanted this less than she wanted to talk. She tried to will herself to stop, sucking her breath in the hopes that it would restrain her but the only thing that came away where small audible sobs.
She already knew that Ravi was likely getting real uncomfortable and she wanted to apologize but was fearful of making her condition even worse. So instead, she just sat there and shook while she filled her half filled tea cup with her droplets of tears.
Oh, god damn it. Was she crying? All he could do was freeze up and stare. She was crying. What had he even said to make her cry? He'd just asked what she wanted--was that really such a sensitive subject? Fuuuck what was he even supposed to do?! With Amelia it was easy, he'd just hug her and she'd cry into his shoulder for a while and when she was done they could talk, but this--it wasn't the same. That was the right way to respond to a daughter, not a friend-wife.
Surely the last thing she wanted him to do was call attention to it. So he waited, not looking at her, and tried to ignore that she was crying at all. When she was ready to talk, he would answer.
It actually was the correct way to respond to a wife, but it's okay since you don't exactly know what to do with a wife anyway, Ravi 8(
She still continued sobbing, both feeling a little pathetic to be doing so as it is, but having Ravi just sit there made her feel a little more shameful. Finally though, her fits were starting to subside, using the back of her hands to rub away her blotched cheeks from any excess left over.
"S-sorry." She mumbled. "Didn't mean to...to start up like that."
His attention snapped back to her when she spoke. He responded gently. "No, it is--it is fine, Sofia, you are upset." Certainly she had reason to be. She'd embarrassed herself more than him, last night.
"I only..." He paused, leaning to one side of his chair, his elbow on the armrest, and gestured vaguely with that hand. He was fidgeting, acting restless--the obvious sign of his discomfort, which he made no effort to hide in front of his wife because she would notice it anyway. "I only want to know what we can do to fix this."
She continued to rub her eyes, getting a little frustrated that they didn't seem to clear up enough for her own satisfaction.
"I...I don't know." The best answer was an honest one, wasn't it? How were they going to solve this? It already seemed like they had this conversation a one too many times and each time made it painfully obvious how completely unlike and uncomfortable their marriage was for the both of them.
He sighed, letting his arm fall, and his gaze fell with it. He considered for a moment before looking back up to her and asking again, "What do you want, Sofia?" It was the only place they could start. Only after they outlined the real problem could they work out a solution.
"That...that's just it. I don't know what I want." Or at least, she couldn't put it into word. She glanced up at her husband, a ragged breath escaping her body as she finally started to calm down.
Aaaugh going nowhere. He set his face in his hand, arm still propped on the armrest. He really wanted to just drop the conversation there and walk away, but he knew he couldn't. If they didn't get this worked out, nothing would change, and she'd just keep feeling the way she was feeling without ever saying anything more about it.
And anyway, he knew exactly what the problem was, he was only trying to get her to say it herself. "You want a man," he said, not looking up. "Yes?"
If Sofia was drinking her tea, she might've done a spit take. Sadly, her tea probably tasted really salty if she drunk from it now. Instead, Sofia's head shrunk a little as her eyes were wide while they stared at Ravi in disbelief. "..W-what?"
He gave her a flat look. "Yes?" Don't try to deny it, Sofie, he read that post!
It was almost painful at just how embarrassing it was to admit it, even to herself. Before last night, Sofia wanted to see herself as a woman of class. A well mannered woman who only wanted romance. That all seemed to blow up in her face now. Her head lowered a little, as if trying to dodge an invisible blow. Her sickly palle cheeks grew a mild shade of color.
"A-ah. Yes, I guess." She muttered, doing her best not to look at him. Especially when she brought up her next line. "I, um. I don't want only that though. I mean, It-its not entirely-I don't think it just going to bed with-"
Oh dear, how was she going to say it without it sounding painfully depressing.
Okay. That was getting somewhere. He straightened, sitting up in the chair. She wanted more than just sex. Romance, it sounded like. She had an emotional need to fill, and not just a physical one. He understood the need well enough, but he was a little annoyed that this was an issue. "I have never stopped you from taking a lover, Sofia. You know that."
His annoyed reply only received a mildly annoyed reply of her own. "That's easy for you to say. You're a man."
Oh, this time he didn't even try to hide the annoyance. He leaned forward slightly, eyes narrowed at her. "What?" Say that again, Sofie. Tell him again that it was easy for a man to find male lovers when he was trying to keep his preferences a secret. Say it, he dared you.
If things were different, even if this conversation was yesterday or the day after, Sofia definitely would be intimidated enough to take back her words and just shut her mouth right then and there. It even had been best to do just that. However, it maybe because she probably already ruined her life or that she just had to deal with a near cataclysmic hangover, but there was something inside her that just wanted to continue talking. It wasn't like her life could get much worse.
"I could just go and actively find love, sure. I couldn't tell you how much I would love that, but its far too late for that."
She shifted her legs and briefly re-situated her blanket over her shoulders before continuing. "In my homeland, women have to be dutiful partners to their husbands, even if they find their fancies elsewhere. Women who try to find something close to the same as their husbands did were considered sluts or temptresses. This isn't Poland, but I still would have to suffer the backlash if I was ever caught. I even have a daughter that I have to think of too. You might not give it much regard when you go out at night, but I do."
Sofia briefly looked up at Ravi, half wondering if he was finally going to hit her or maybe flip a table. Either way, she quickly looked away again. "Sorry."
He did want to flip the table, mostly because she was STILL ARGUING WITH HIM. He listened through her whole response, just glaring and stewing and wanting to shout that she was an idiot and no, she was not, in fact, actually sorry at all.
He didn't, though. He didn't do any of that. His fingers curled into claws on the armrests, though she couldn't see that over the table, and that kept him from reaching out and throwing something. "Do not imply," he said, his voice level and cold, "that my affairs outside of this house mean I love my goddaughter any less than you do."
To be quite honest, she really wasn't and was probably only sorry she told him in such a manner. He did want to hear what her problems were though.
Her own temper was starting to flare, which helped at least in this instance. "Of course not. I know you love Amelia..."
Her eyes snapped up to glare right back at Ravi's own. She'd be lying if she didn't admit she was intimidated, but the emotion she felt was something long overdue. "But you're not the one who had to cover for you! I had to lie to her, Ravi. I don't like lying and I wouldn't be happy having to do that even more so in order to try to make myself happy."
By the time she finished those words, her chest felt heavy again. She really did feel horrible, the more she thought about it. "I...I don't know. I want love, but not at the cost of lying or having to deal with even more secrecy."
She was only making him angrier by arguing this point, to tell him that he didn't love his goddaughter because, the gods forbid, he dared to seek physical intimacy outside of this house. And then--and then!--to sit there and talk to him about lying, poor her, having to lie to Amelia to cover for him! As if he did not have to live a life full of lies, as if he did not have to lie every day about who he was.
"Of course, Sofia, it must be hard for you to have to lie to her about me leaving at night. It is awful of me to force you to tell her that I leave the house occasionally. Your life is very difficult." Though he still sounded calm and cold, there was smoldering rage in there. He was about five seconds away from flipping the table and walking out of the room.
Sofia growled, which truth be told, sounded more like a puppy growl than anything really intimidating. "You wanted honesty, so I'm giving it! Don't you get pissed with me for it!"
She was about two steps from getting up and leaving herself. He just didn't understand it! He didn't want to understand it! All he cared about was his own well being than any of her own troubles! The only reason he came to her now was because she accidently made it troublesome for her. For such a tiny woman, she could already feel her blood boiling.
He slammed a fist onto the table, which was slightly better than flipping it--slightly. "I am angry because you brought Amelia into this conversation as leverage!"
She slammed her own hands down (Which was nowhere near intimidating as Ravi's) and stood up in outrage. " How dare you! I was not using her like that at all! I was being honest with you and giving you something that hurt me the most! Don't blame me if you don't like what you hear, It's why I haven't told you until now!"
"All I am hearing is you blaming everyone else for your problems! The problem is you, Sofia, the problem is you deciding that you don't want to be happy. Well, fine. Be unhappy, since you are so determined." He got up, thankfully not at the expense of any furniture, and stormed out of the room.
"Don't you walk away from me!" She snapped as her husband started to walk away. Her body was already trembling with rage and anguish. " God damn it, I hate it when you do that. Why... Why is it that I'm suddenly the bad person because I value marriage for what it is!?"
It was ridiculous, just plain, utterly ridiculous that so many people were so willing to throw away their marriage. No matter how much she tried to keep it all together, to be faithful to something that made her completely miserable. All that Ravi had to... "All you are doing is suddenly telling me how horrible I am for getting angry for being absolutely loyal to something that's made our lives dificult, Well then I 'm sorry! "
Her chest heaved from how passionate and upset she felt about it. Sofia tried to catch her breath and could only mutter out her next words. "I just...I just wanted things to be normal and nice. Even if...even if they weren't...Normal exactly."
He whirled around in the doorway, slamming his arm against the wall and leaning on it as he glowered at her. He had to hit things, because it was the only way he could keep himself listening instead of running over to hit her.
"Things will never be 'normal' between us, Sofia. I cannot be the husband you want. I never could, and I never can, and your loyalty is meaningless because there is nothing to be loyal to."
She was starting to acclimate to his display of violence, or that the rush of emotion was dulling Sofia's concern for them. Hearing those words still hurt, but not the way Ravi expected them to. They only hurt because it just affirms how much he wasn't willing to compromise. "Don't you think I know that!? The only reason you even give a damn right now is because your fancy nearly got found out! You've never cared how I really felt. If you did, you would've been a lot nicer from the start this entire mess, but you haven't and you aren't and you can't expect all of these problems to go away because you throw me at some whorehouse. If you don't want me commenting about your love life, fine! Don't start suddenly getting interested that I don't have one! I'll deal with finding love when and where it happens and not have myself reduce to buying someone's time to satisfy simple needs because my husband thinks it would be best!"
Damn it, he did care for reasons besides her misery making his life inconvenient. They were friends, sort of, weren't they? He cared about what she did with her life. That was why he had encouraged her to submit her work to the art contest. That was why he wanted her to quit clinging to a relationship that didn't exist and move on. That was why he was asking how they could fix things instead of simply reprimanding her outburst and moving on.
But right now he was really too angry to say that, and even though he'd gotten pissed off earlier for her bringing Amelia into the conversation, he was a big fat hypocrite right now and dragged her in to make a point himself. "You will not let yourself 'find love where and when it happens,'" he said, "because you are too busy diverting every man who pays you any attention onto Amelia."
That earned Ravi a breif pause from the anger that was burning in Sofia. Her arms falling back to her side as she looked down at her feet. "I..I know. I only did that in the hopes that she wouldn't end up like us. Maybe find some man she could fall in love with and live happily. She told last night that she wasn't ready for it, though. If I love her enough, I'll respect that and try not to again."
"You don't want her to be forced to be with a man she does not want, and so you force her to be with men she does not want?" How had the hypocrisy of that escaped her notice so long? How was she only just now realizing Amelia didn't like the dates Sofie set her up on? The whole reason Ravi hadn't ever tried to hook Amelia up with anybody was because he didn't want her to end up in the same situation as him and Sofie.
"It's not like that! It's only...small dates. Just let her test the waters and have all the choices she can be given." She'd admit, she was being a little hypocritical, but it was for the best, wasn't it? She hoped so, but then again her daughter did tell her to stop.
He leaned against the doorframe, pressing one hand over his eyes. Really, Sofia? You thought that helped? "But you will stop now, yes?" Despite how many times he'd told her to knock it off, of course she only stopped once she actually paused long enough to pick up on Amelia's feelings.
Ravi's facepalm really made Sofia feel a little pathetic now, a lot of the anger seeming to fade with uncomfortable atmosphere of knowing that probably hadn't thought out her plan regarding her goddaughter very well. A hand came up to rub her other arm in uncertainty. "Y-yeah?"
"She, Um, told me last night how she felt. If she's not interested in boys right now, then she's not interested in boys right now. Though, she might have a crush on an Other." Sofia really didn't know how to explain how Amelia seemed to like an oversized snake, nor wanted to think about it for too long.
Ravi lowered his hand and raised an eyebrow at her. A crush on an Other? The naga, probably. She did talk about him a lot. But he didn't know whether to take Sofie's word for it or assume she was only seeing what she hoped to see--that is, Amelia interested in a boy, any boy. "Did you ask her?"
Wait, they weren't supposed to be discussing Amelia's potential romantic interests outside of getting Sofie to stop shoving new ones at her. He pushed himself away from the wall, straightening. "Never mind, we can discuss Amelia later. What I want is for you to stop turning the men who are interested in you onto her. Let them be interested in you. Look for someone, Sofia. Do not force yourself to turn them away because you want," to keep your fucking moral high ground, "to stay loyal to this marriage."
"Well, um, no, but I didn't want to scare her away from it by asking. I thought maybe it would be best to wait it out and see." Creepy big snake or not, Sofia kind of hoped Amelia did find someone. One less big thing to worry about if it were true.
As for Ravi's real intentions for this conversation, Sofia straightened and let out a deep sigh. "I don't turn them away for just that reason alone, though it is a big factor. Most of the time there isn't really anything clicking with the men that come to me."
She felt kind of silly to rely on something so minor as a 'click', but why else pursue other men if not for the pursuit of love?
A click. Really, that excuse just left him exasperated. She would be waiting forever if she waited for love at first sight. "Sofia," he started, and then hesitated trying to find the words (because "that's bullshit and you know it" were not the appropriate ones). "There is not always a 'click.' I have...been in love." And still was. "When I first met him," it felt so awkward putting this out there in these terms, talking about it openly; he spoke haltingly, pausing to pull his thoughts back into line every so often, and didn't focus on her as he spoke, "I hated him, actually. He was very irritating. But then we became friends, and then one day I realized I was in love. And that is...that is the sort of thing you need to give a chance to."
Sofia shrugged, a little half-heartedly. "That's good for you, I guess. I've never felt it and only heard about it in stories. I'm not sure how best to go about dating." She herself found her words halting, and her accent dipping a little into her native Polish accent as she was trying to find proper words than focus keeping her words clear. "Having the added trouble of being married doesn't exactly make it easier either."
Though, he did mention that he loved someone and that earned an awkward, if unsure look from Ravi's wife. There were always suspicions of it being the case, Sofia was not blind. Still, she started to wonder. "Did you two ever...?"
He folded his arms, but held back the sigh. She was completely missing his point, that the reason she never felt it was because she never gave it a chance to develop. But she was just going to continue being willfully obtuse, wasn't she? So he didn't bother arguing the point. Maybe he'd just find her somebody, the same way she kept finding people for Amelia.
She would ask that, wouldn't she? His gaze moved away from her, settling on nothing. "...No." Never even told him, and never would. Why did it matter, anyway? Why did she even want to know?
Sofia bit her lip at watching Ravi fold his arms. She was obviously doing something wrong, but she couldn't tell whether that body language was out of Ravi's own opinion or something she was obviously missing. Though surely after 15 years and apparently fallen in love, Ravindra had some idea how to go about all of this. "How...do you even start?"
Oh. Well knowing that was sort of a good thing. Sofia really didn't know if she would be angry or not that Ravi had orchestrated an affair with Catherine's husband behind her back. Not that you really needed to sleep around to do that. She was starting to feel angry again and her eyes hardened while staring at Ravi. "Did Cathy know about this?"
How do you start? Aw man, Sofie, hell if he knew, he didn't do dating. Even if he knew all the rules, the game completely changed when you started talking about men dating other men, and so his advice wouldn't be helpful anyway. He couldn't just shrug and tell her he had no clue, though. "Start the same way you expected Amelia to start." Just, you know, instead of diverting men toward her and arranging dates for her, arrange them for yourself! EASY SOFIE.
But he was not down with this sudden prying into his personal life. Yes, Cathy knew he was in love with Alex, no she didn't care, why was it important? "Why do you care?"
While she appreciated the suggestion, Sofia's eyebrows already knitted together in weariness. There were several differences between setting up Amelia with dates and setting herself up with them. The biggest factor being that she herself wasn't exactly publically elligable. There was also that Amelia was younger, prettier and just all around better than she was. Quite frankly, Sofia was at a loss of what to do.
That subject could wait a little longer though! "I could understand loving someone and I can't blame you or Alex for pursuing that emotion, but how could you do that to Cathy!"
Really, she had no idea her late best friend would hide such a sad situation from her, but maybe she just didn't want Sofia to feel the added pressure of such a shame? That almost made sense, but then if Alex was gay, how did Amelia come about? Catherine seemed pretty in love with her late husband also. In fact, the more she started to think about it in more detail, the more she was confused.
Why couldn't anything make sense in her life for once!
...What?
Oh for fuck's sake--that was how she was going to completely misinterpret his not wanting to talk about it? He let out an exasperated half-growl, half-sigh. "I never even told Alex, Sofia. Stop being dramatic."
"...Oh." There was that deflated feeling again. So, Ravi didn't tell Alex anything about his love for the other man. Probably worried about the reaction he'd get if he did. It surprisingly made obvious sense now why he was so dedicated toward the Varista family, more so than simply just true comrades. It was getting a little bit of a Greek tragedy. It made her feel a little bad now for making such an accusation. "Sorry,"
"So...When did you figure out how you felt? What was it like?" She asked, feeling a little awkward, even after all these years, of asking her husband about the first time he fell in love with another man.
Ugh, he didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't exactly easy to discuss, especially since Alex's sudden reappearance had caused a resurgence of those feelings and now the longing was raw in a way it hadn't been for decades.
But he was Ravi, so straight out saying "I don't want to talk about it" wasn't something he was capable of! Instead, he said, "I don't think my answer will be useful for you."
"Well, he certainly had an effect on you if you ended up in love with him. I just wanted to know more about him." At the very least, she'd be able to understand Ravi a little more. After 15 years, she still felt like she hardly knew him, which was kind troubling to feel. Not so much in the feeling of 'I don't know my husband' as it was 'I've lived with this person for this long and I only know his name.'
"If you really don't feel comfortable about it, that's fine. I'll drop the subject." She added in.
He just didn't want to talk about his feelings. They were a complicated mess that he didn't feel like dissecting and laying out there for her. Telling her more about Alex, though, that he could do. "Alex is very much like Amelia. But...maybe not as smart." That part he said with a wry smile. "Also a less active imagination. But funny, and friends with everyone, and does not know when to stop talking, and also willing to put up with me." Which, Sofie no doubt understood, was no easy task.
Sofia had heard something similar from Catherine, and Ravi's explanation of the man helped out picturing Amelia's father a little more. The last part was certainly an accomplishment, though from the wry smile on Ravi's face already hinted that he knew the same. That was good at least, knowing that he wasn't blind to how difficult he was sometimes. She smiled. "I bet he was pretty...ah, cute too."
Awkward sidelong glance. "Ah--Yes." Aaand getting back into territory he didn't want to talk about anymore.
"Anyway, Sofia," SUBJECT CHANGE GO, "the next time a man comes up to you, give him a chance. That is all I am asking for."
Oh come on, Ravi. She was trying to connect here. This should have gotten somewhere. It was Sofia's turn to let out an exasperated sigh and let the whole thing pass.
"Right, I'll try." She answered, finally looking down at the table to notice that it had become a mess thanks to the previous beating. She slowly went about cleaning up. "If it means anything, I still would like to get together sometime. Just relax, maybe try to get along a little more. Maybe go watch a play? What do you normally like doing?"
"Ah..." What did he normally like doing? Not going out. Staying home with his cat and knitting. Telling stories when the Guard went drinking together, if he had to go out. Mostly, though, being a shut-in. "We can do whatever you like, Sofia."
She couldn't help it, she gave Ravi a disapproving frown. She really hated it when he made that kind of answer. It was like no matter what thing she chose, it was always going to be something that didn't interest him or made him uncomfortable.
But Okay, that's fine Sofie. Just breathe. Breathe deep and smile and maybe there's some way to salvage this from the start. There's got to be something he'd like, right? Even shut-ins have their interests. "Do you like any local bards? Or maybe you could teach me how to knit?"
Well, that was because he didn't like going out and doing stuff, Sofie! Gosh!
He almost winced at the bards suggestion, because, again, didn't like going out. But then she followed up with something that he actually might enjoy doing instead of just tolerating for her sake, and his eyebrows raised by a barely notable margin. "If you want to learn, yes, I could teach you."
It was like a weight lifted off Sofia's shoulders, finally getting an answer she could like. She beamed and nodded as she lifted the messy tea plate and ash tray. "I would certainly love to learn. Hmm, tomorrow perhaps?"
Okay. Wow. That worked? She was satisfied? Amazing. Ravi was a little surprised, actually, he hadn't really expected her to like the answer. (She never liked his answers.) "Tomorrow is fine."
Not that this solved the whole underlying issue of her outburst on the ledgers, or told her how to go about ~*finding somebody*~, but he probably needed a better answer to give her before they could really discuss what to do about that. For now, things seemed like they were going to be calm. He could worry about it later.