[Damica/Ravindra] - Walk with me
Who:
Damica
Ravindra
When: During Damica's party
Where: The streets near the Coil
Rating & Warnings: PG for language. RELIGION AGAIN.
After Anson and Rasmus piss off Ravi bc he is too drunk to explain karma right, Damica decides to drag him out for a walk to cool off. They discuss Hindu beliefs vs Citadel beliefs and also how Anson is a dick and also Ravi asks for advice about Sofie.
ONE DAY THERE WILL BE A DAMICA/RAVI LOG W/NO RELIGION IN IT. ONE DAY.
Damica lead Ravi from the Coil, feeling kind of awkward but also fairly drunk. With as much as she'd had, it's a wonder she could walk straight! Well, mostly straight. Though she had sobered up some after breaking Anson's nose. It wasn't a real party until someone's nose got broke!
"So the puppy. He left her in a basket on the porch and when I opened the door she just whined at me all pitiful like and it was so cute." She didn't even want to try to bring up what was bugging him, though with how things had been going it was likely a religion thing. And trying to get him to talk about that while they were both drunk was probably not the best idea.
She hadn't really had any destination in mind, so just... walked. That way.
Okay so maybe he'd accidentally-on-purpose spilled Rasmus's drink, but Rasmus started it. In fact, Anson started it. IN FACT--
Never mind. The point was that Ravi was kind of annoyed because ever since he'd come to Tyrol he'd been forced to listen to people telling him his religion was stupid and made no sense, and he shouldn't even have mentioned it tonight because karma was hard enough to explain sober to other sober people, and "Hindus" was totally a legit response to that question Rasmus. And now he was more annoyed because Damica had dragged him out for a walk which meant she could tell he was annoyed and he was totally ruining her birthday party over BEING HINDU ARGH.
"Very cute," he replied. He was barely even engaged in the conversation. Mired in his thoughts and his AGGRAVATION W/ RAS AND ANSON. (Being drunk made it harder to climb out of that on his own.)
Well, he was certainly stuck in his mood. She went silent, just walking for a while. She didn't really mind leaving the party, not for him. Hell, the day had contained puppies, booze, and broken noses. Best birthday ever. And it wasn't like it was an early end to it, leaving when they did.
After thinking for a while, and sobering up further, she spoke. "So I'm now scheduling to teach two of my cousins how to fight, and to spar with the third as a method of self control." She could go on about Crook (thanks Anson for help with the name!), but she'd only spent a short time with the puppy before having to get to the Coil. Fortunately it wasn't too much work to get a room set up for the dog before she left. "Not sure if the sparring will work, though, but I figured it'll be good practice, since Laurent's a really good swordsman."
Okay, talking about sparring and sword training was a little easier to engage in. Damica had rather a lot of cousins, so he wasn't going to ask which ones since he wouldn't remember anyway. He kind of wanted to stay angry, but he didn't want to ruin Damica's night, so he figured the best thing to do was actually give a response and try to create a dialogue. "I am refreshing Amelia on her training, also, because of what has been going on in the city lately. What brought it up with your cousins?"
"Well," she started, then fell silent, considering. It wasn't like Ravi would tell anyone this stuff, right? Probably not. Even if he did remember it. "Adelle had the same reason. She's worried about not being able to defend herself if another riot breaks out. I'd already had a sword made for her with plans to offer lessons, so it worked out anyway. Valentin..." She hesitated a moment before continuing that part, despite her certainty that he wouldn't say anything. "Apparently he got into a fist-fight with our other cousin, so I suggested he learn self defence, since it seemed to bother him. So I'll be trying to teach him weaponless self-defence. Fending off blows, basically."
Honestly, she had mixed feelings about the whole thing. She'd spent most of her life distancing herself from the Vaux family, and now she was not just associating with, but actually visiting, the fore-runners of the family. And it hadn't been entirely terrible experiences thus far.
Nah, he was solid. He didn't repeat the things people told him in private, and walking down the street from a pub while drunk was totally private. "Self-defense is a good thing to learn, yes. Your cousin, Val--Valentin? He is upset because he lost?"
This wasn't working, though. He wasn't really engaged, he was just giving responses that seemed appropriate in context and hoping she just kept the conversation afloat on her own. This was what all small-talk was to him, really, and he found himself annoyed that he was doing it with Damica. She was his friend. He shouldn't be resorting to that tactic.
She didn't really mind. She certainly didn't expect to gain anything out of the conversation, other than being able to tell someone. She glanced sidelong at him, then shook her head and looked forward again. Even though sobering, she was still drunk enough that if she didn't watch where she walked she'd probably trip on some rock or something. Karma for not paying attention, probably.
"No. He's worried because the cousin is Laurent, who placed third in the melee tourney, and could probably snap his neck if he got angry enough. And he didn't just lose a fight, he got punched in the face during an argument." Ah, the joys of family. "And Laurent, whom I'll be sparring with, is actually worried that it'll happen again. Hence the sparring."
"Your family is very complicated." He was barely even following. He had no idea who Laurent and Valentin were and certainly had no context for understanding why this was a big deal and what, exactly was important about it. Maybe if he were sober-er he would've bothered trying, but, alas.
If that was what she wanted to talk about, though, he wasn't going to stop her. He would just listen and try not to think about Rasmus hitting him the fucking jerk.
Damica shrugged, folding her arms behind her back. "So's your religion, but I find it rather fascinating." It wasn't like she blamed him, though. He was right. Huge family, many complications, Valentin getting into fights with everyone, and even Laurent coming to her to talk about it? Oi. "It's a lot of complications I hadn't really planned on ever getting into." Another sideward glance and she added, "My family, that is." Her gaze returned forward and she went quiet, not really knowing what else to say.
"Mmm..." It was somewhere between a sigh and a groan, accompanied by him pinching the bridge of his nose and rubbing the inside corners of his eyes. His religion was not complicated, damn it, Balfourians were just too simple to understand how to think outside of their fucking box. Besides, it made more sense than the Citadel's explanation of how things worked.
"I do not understand," he said, letting his hand fall, "why it is a difficult concept that life is fair."
But this was Balfour, which was what made it complicated. Simple people enjoyed simple concepts. Damica didn't consider herself simple, though, and certainly did try her best to understand, no matter how complicated it was.
She glanced at him again. "I didn't see much of the conversation after I noticed you two taking it private, plus some stuff with Rasmus, but if you're still talking about karma, it's not the fairness of it so much as you're explaining an endless concept to a people who don't believe in endless lives. Not everyone will be open to new concepts. And some people just want to argue everything." She stopped, then shook her head and added, "Even with our own religion, rooted in Balfour, with our own Balfourian God and the Epistles and everything, many Balfourians barely pay any attention to what we have, let alone wanting to understand what you have."
He sighed. It was true. When he asked the Citadel's faithful about their religion, to explain it at least as well as he could explain his own, they either floundered or became angry at him for asking at all. They didn't understand their own scriptures, but still proclaimed their interpretations as truth. They didn't stop to examine what they believed, which was strange to him because as a Hindu that was what you were supposed to do.
"I do not understand why endless lives are difficult either. The Citadel tells you that when you die, you go either to their heaven or hell. How is this different from death and rebirth?"
Damica chuckled. She couldn't help herself. Was he really asking her to help understand something? "Heaven and hell are... well, they're constants. They're the final ending places after this life. It's not the same as having many lives, because you still only have one life here, and how you live that life determines whether you suffer for all eternity or live blissfully for all eternity, rather than having to do it over and over again like in Hinduism."
She actually stopped walking that time, looking at him. "It's like this. You have many lives to make things right. We have one life to make things right. If we fuck up, we're done. We go to hell and are doomed to suffer for the rest of eternity. Period. If we do good, we go to heaven. So while you have many lives, we only have two, one of those lasting forever after our deaths. At least that's what we're taught." That last part was added before she even realized it, which left her blinking, then turning away to continue walking again.
The stop was kind of sudden. He noticed it a few steps later and turned to face her, waiting for the rest of what she had to say because obviously it must be important.
The explanation made sense, at least as an explanation of what the Citadel believed, but as a belief it sounded ridiculous to him. More than ridiculous, it sounded scary. Where was the line between suffering forever and living in joy forever? How were your deeds weighed? Did the Citadel expect you to lead a perfect life or live in hell forever? How as that fair?
Then she started walking again and that caught him by surprise too. He caught up, fell into step beside her again, and asked, "How bad does a person need to be before he is doomed to suffer for eternity? How is it fair that the actions of only one lifetime decide what happens to you for the rest of forever?"
She found herself shrugging at those questions. "I don't know. There isn't any set limit to how much bad you can get away with, there's just a bunch of bad things you're not supposed to do at all, and a bunch of good things you're supposed to strive for. Mostly it's just 'do your best and Cita will know you were a good person'. But there's also the idea that anything that happens to you happens because Cita made it so, which I find kind of silly. I doubt a god is going to sit there supervising the lives of every person on the planet just to make sure the right people die at the right times in the right ways."
How is it fair? How is anything fair? "I guess it's supposed to be fair because they expect you to live a good life and do good for others, thus earning yourself a seat in heaven. Kind of like a promotion, while hell is a demotion." She couldn't help but give a laugh at that, light as it was. It was pretty ridiculous when she actually thought about it.
This wasn't just making no sense because he was drunk, right? This wasn't making sense because it actually made no sense, right? "But if you have only one chance to live a good life--you know, a person can learn only by making mistakes, but you are saying that Cita is expecting you to live a life perfectly on the first try, yes? Where is there room to make the mistakes and to learn how to be a good person? And why, if Cita is supposed to be a kind god, does a person not have any chance to redeem himself after death? And why is one life--one life is a very short time, and yet one life will determine your fate forever? That is a very long time. That is like--that is like looking at one day of my life and deciding based on it how I must live the rest."
A pause, but it was just long enough for a sudden epiphany. He stopped, putting a hand on Damica's shoulder and turning her to face him, and he spoke with a sort of passion to his voice, like he'd just realized the most brilliant way to explain this concept and had to share it. "Hinduism is like--think of your life, it is split into years and months and days--think of each life as one day in the life of your immortal Self, and karma is--it is the actions of one day--one life--affecting you the next day or the next week. But each day, each life, has equal weight--it is only the severity of your actions that determine the severity of your consequences, and when you finally have balanced your karma and realized the truth of Brahman, you will die, your Self, at the end of all these days--these other lives--and return to Brahman."
Another pause, the spark faded from his expression and he turned away, shaking his head. "No, never mind, that is a stupid analogy. You cannot live forever simply by not understanding death." He started walking again. (It wasn't a stupid analogy, it just broke down when you looked at it too hard--like every analogy ever. But hey, what do you expect out of a guy when he's drunk?)
Damica blinked and looked at Ravi as he turned her, listening to him intently. But when he simply brushed it off at the end, when it had sounded so good... She stood for a few of his steps before quick-stepping to catch up, almost stumbling but not quite. "The rest is still pretty good though. At least from what I've understood of what you've said." Not that she wanted to argue with him but it did make sense that way!
"But as to mistakes... You can make mistakes. If you do bad, you can ask for forgiveness. If you really feel bad for what you've done, no matter what it was, Cita will forgive you. Or you can do good to make up for it, doing enough to pay for the bad you did. Or do both I guess but it all basically makes it seem like a full time job just to live a happily ever after once you've died which I guess is why so few people actually strive for it, I dunno." Hey, she could only handle so much deep thought in a night.
Nope he still wasn't liking how this sounded AT ALL (though Damica was doing a pretty good job of explaining it). "So He will forgive you if you ask for forgiveness, but only if you ask before you die? Why can you not ask for forgiveness after death? How is it different, then? What if you die very suddenly, before you can ask for forgiveness? And what if you only live a bad life and do a great many bad things with it but at the end you ask for forgiveness and never have to face the consequences of what you do?"
This was getting way too philosophical for her. Not quite enough to give her a headache, though, which was good. She shook her head. "No, it's not just asking for forgiveness. You have to honestly and truly feel bad for what you did. I imagine that just feeling bad for it would be enough if you died before being able to ask for forgiveness, since Cita would know the intention. Which is why you can't just live a bad life as a murderer or something and still go to heaven, unless you actually honestly and truly felt bad for all of it and wished to repent or something."
"But to feel remorse does not change the suffering you have caused. Where is the justice in that? How can Kratochvil say that karma is unfair because consequences may take several lifetimes, when the Citadel says it is possible to never face consequences so long as you feel bad for what you have done?" Um because Kratochvil was a JERK that was how. Wait, wasn't he not going to think about this? It was all he'd been talking about for the past however long!
Damica couldn't help but laugh. "Kratochvil is a fool who likes to piss people off and you're letting him get to you over karma?" She patted his shoulder, head shaking. "Rav, forget him. He just likes to argue for the sake of arguing. He'd probably argue about the sky being blue if he thought it'd get someone riled up."
Head still shaking, she folded her hands behind her back again. "If you want to actually seriously discuss your beliefs you need to do so with people who want to actually listen. Otherwise they're just gonna argue everything and not even really care about what you tell them. But don't worry, karma will get them back. I'm sure Anson's nose is paying dearly for his behaviour."
He frowned. THE FROWNIEST FROWN. He was letting Kratochvil get to him over karma, because he didn't understand why Kratochvil DIDN'T GET IT. He should've known better than to engage in the first place, uuuugh.
But Ravi's face was crossed by a maliciously smug kind of smirk at the nose comment. "I think you really broke it," he said, flashing a glance at Damica.
She grinned at him, though it was perhaps slightly sheepish. "He deserved it," was all she said, lifting her right hand to inspect it for bruises, clenching it into a fist before releasing. Well, it was a bit sore, but doubtful anything she couldn't tolerate. It's what happens when you grow up fistfighting with older (larger) brothers.
"He did," Ravi agreed. BOY DID HE EVER.
And that led into a conversational lull, where he was left to his thoughts again, and he went from mildly smug/amused to pensive. Earlier Damica had made a comment that was curious to him, about how all men assumed all women wanted a man. He had replied without thinking that all women assumed that all men wanted a woman, immediately regretted it, and was glad that the subject had changed soon after and she hadn't commented on it. But right now, he kind of wanted to ask about it. He wondered if Damica meant that she had the same abnormal inclinations as he did, or if she was simply not interested like Amelia.
He started with, "Ah--Damica, earlier--" and then stopped himself and thought better of it. (If he wasn't drunk, he wouldn't even have gotten that far; he would've just stayed quiet and waited for her to bring up a new topic of conversation.)
Damica, of course, had been pretty drunk when she'd said it, and forgotten about it soon after, because puppies were adorable and she'd wanted to tell Ravi about how adorable Crook had been when she'd found her. So she had no idea what was going through his mind right now or why he'd be all hesitant about it.
She looked at him, brow raised curiously, and asked, "What?" TOO LATE Ravi you either gotta SAY IT or CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
"Ah..." DAMMIT, LOCKED IN. "No, never mind." But no subject-change followed, which meant that was only going to make her more curious.
She frowned. "Oh, c'mon. You get me all curious when I'm drunk and just expect me to forget it?" Ravi's gonna need to learn how to actually cover for himself with INTERESTING TOPIC CHANGES or just start spitting it out.
LOOK HE WAS TOO DRUNK TO THINK OF AN INTERESTING TOPIC CHANGE OKAY.
"No, I was only curious about something you said, it is nothing." Don't ask Damica don't ask! (She was drunk, of course she was going to ask.)
Well then he shouldn't have brought it up in the FIRST PLACE.
Because she was drunk. And her curiosity got the better of her when she was drunk. Never mind not caring so much about making Ravi uncomfortable.
She thought about everything she'd said over the night, but couldn't really remember it all. The ledgers might refresh her memory, though, but she wasn't about to go sifting through it now. "What did I say?" she asked, more confused than curious now. She started wondering if she'd said something offensive.
Would it be too weird if he just turned and ran? It would be weird, wouldn't it. He couldn't do that. "It was... You said... Ah. About men. Assuming a woman wants one." Please let that satisfy her curiosity because he wasn't sure he wanted to have the rest of this conversation.
Oh, that. She'd totally forgotten.
Though after the initial 'oh yeah' she started to wonder if he were trying to hit on her, then remembered his own reaction to what she'd said. The words toyed through her mind, Damica silent for the duration, then she shrugged. "It's true. Well, most men. Hell, even my own father won't shut up about it." She snorted. "Least I don't have to listen to him anymore, though I wish he'd stop trying to set up another marriage. Last guy he sent tried the 'you just need a real man' line on me."
She leaned towards him and spoke in a stage-whisper, "I broke his nose."
That got a laugh, but then confusion. "Wait, your father sent you Kratochvil?"
She blinked. "What?" Once the words sunk in, she gave him the most disgusted look and leaned away. "Ew, no. Occia's tits, no, even he has better taste than that."
The looks continued for a few moments before she managed to compose herself, shaking her head. "No, he sent some other guy. Old noble man who thought he could woo the lost girl away from her unwanted life of misery. Kept saying I'd never have to lift a sword again, he'd get me all the best gowns, and his age only meant he knew how to treat a lady."
What, they were just talking about it, it was a logical conclusion! And anyway, talking about Damica's prior courtiers was getting off the subject he'd originally intended to bring up, so it was a welcome shift. Hopefully she wouldn't regress back to it.
"Hah. Of course you cannot be happy living such a manly life, Damica, you must be rescued from it." He sounded jovial enough, but there was a note of somberness beneath that. That was exactly the sort of thing he feared happening to Amelia. That was exactly the reason he hadn't tried to marry her off or pushed anybody on her or even mentioned that she should think about marriage soon because she was twenty now.
Damica let out a snort, raising a hand to push her hair back. Even tied up some of it still got loose. "Yeah, well. It tends to keep most of 'em away from me, so even if I weren't happy with the job I'd probably keep it."
She glanced towards him again, then without thinking, asked, "So who do you like?" If she'd been SOBER she probably would have never said it (or at least asked differently) but oh well.
"Ra--" NO WAIT ABORT THAT WAS NOT THE RIGHT ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION. And besides Rasmus was just a physical attraction, his naivete and the way he took everything literally was equal parts aborable and annoying and Ravi would never be able to put up with it any sort of long term.
"Ah--nobody." A lie, there was still Alex--and then he realized with a wince that he REALLY SHOULD HAVE ANSWERED WITH HIS WIFE.
You think she didn't catch that Ravi? Well... the first part she didn't. Though the fact that it wasn't his wife did raise an eyebrow, the lieutenant looking at Ravi curiously. "I don't mean to pry, and I certainly won't think anything less of you either way, but after how you responded to me initially and just now, does that mean you aren't interested in women any more than I am in men?" Well, okay, she did mean to pry.
Well fuck. He glanced away, shoulders hunched, nervously rubbing the side of his neck. His only answer was a nod.
Damica let out a laugh at Ravi's behaviour, but quickly stifled it. It's not that big a deal! Though maybe it was in India, she didn't know. She gave him a pat on the shoulder, shrugged, and said, "I won't tell anyone." Then she went quiet, thinking of another subject to discuss. "You think they've all passed out yet?"
He shook his head, and then he stopped her, taking hold of her sleeve, and said, "Wait."
Because...because this was something he needed to talk about, and he never could, because he never let himself say it, he never told anybody because he was afraid of how they would react or how their opinion of him would change or how they would judge him for it. But he had Damica here, a friend, and now she knew half of it, so what was the harm in telling her the other half?
He'd regret this in the morning, probably. He'd definitely remember it. "It is more than that," he said.
She turned towards him as he grabbed her, brow raised, head tilted. Well, she kind of assumed it meant he liked men instead of women, but she wasn't really sure where her own interests lay so she supposed it could be different with him. Still, she hadn't wanted to pry any further than that with how uncomfortable it had made him.
But if he wanted to tell her, she certainly wasn't going to stop him. Not wanting to voice any of her assumptions, she simply said, "Yeah?" and then waited, smiling patiently.
But now that he had her attention, now that he was looking her in the face and it was finally time to admit it out loud, he couldn't. He froze up and shut down and just stared at her for a moment. Why did she look so expectant? He felt pressured, now. He couldn't say it. It was stupid to think he could admit this to her.
But if not her, who? Sofia was the only person who knew, besides his sister, and neither of them were people he could go to for conversation or advice. Sofie, even after 15 years, they still hardly knew each other. And Iravati, she would just argue and fight with him, because that was all they ever did. He needed someone he could talk to, and Damica was his closest friend right now, next to Alex.
So if he couldn't force himself to put it in simple terms, he could at least talk around it and get something out. He let his eyes drift away from the expectant look and started talking. "It is not a strange thing to like both, yes? Enough people do, just have a child and nobody will care who you are sleeping with and what they are. And it is also not strange to like one and not the other, so long as that one is the right one. But to like the wrong one, and only the wrong one..." He trailed off and left it there, looking back to her face, waiting anxiously for her reaction.
Why did he make everything sound so complicated? "So you like men," she concluded, her expression not changed at all, since it didn't matter. "It's not actually that uncommon. I mean, I don't know about India, but up here there's lots of people who prefer the wrong one, rather than just both. Well, maybe not lots, but enough. Sure, nobody really talks about it and it usually only gets whispered about in the alleys or hallways, but it's there."
Damica looked away, considering her own interests, but didn't mention them. That was all sorts of complicated and how do you even go about figuring them out when you've got nobody to figure them out with and what would she even say about her confusion? "I suspect at least a few people who do their duty to have a child to continue the family don't actually have any interest in the sex of their partner. It's just... a thing. That you do. Though for nobility it's far more pressing than others."
He twitched when she said it. He never liked saying it so clearly; it felt like an admission of wrongness when it was phrased like that. And the explanation she gave didn't sit right with him. It might be a well-known secret that that sort of thing went on, but people still talked. They still judged you. They still made assumptions about you based on this one fact and looked at you differently than they would if they didn't know. It might be common, but it wasn't normal.
"And when you can not even do that much? When you have been married fifteen years and still have no child and people tell you, 'Do it already, what is the problem?'"
She looked at him for a long moment, silent, the smile faded from her face. She looked kind of sad, though not at Ravi. Just... the memories of what she'd lost so many years ago. She hadn't even really wanted it, but once she'd lost it, it hurt.
Finally, she turned away again, shrugging. "Find someone else to do it, I guess. I don't know. I only know with experience as being the woman. It's easier, I suppose, since all she has do is lay there and let the man do all the work."
omg Damica he couldn't just find someone else to knock up his wife. Where would he find somebody brown enough?!
He sighed, suddenly frustrated. It wasn't like he'd been expecting Damica to solve his problems, but her response just sounded so dismissive to him. She didn't understand the situation. "I told her--I told her to find someone else, Sofia. But she--she wants a romance, but she wants it from her husband. It is the only option, for her. Either with her husband or not at all. But with either choice, we both are unhappy. I don't know what to do. When we try to talk about it, we only fight."
She wasn't trying to be dismissive. It was just the first time this sort of thing had been brought up, outside of her family or whatever courtiers they'd sent her, since it all happened. It's not easy to deal with, especially since, outside of rumours, nobody knows about it.
But, Ravi was opening up to her. Probably not something he did with many people. So she tried her best to shove that aside, something to talk about later if it came up again, and turned back to him. "I really don't know what to say, Rav. I mean, if you want someone else to talk to her, I could try, but I don't think I'd have much to say that would convince her, if you've been going this long unable to do so."
Nope, still frustrated. Only now it was with the situation in general and not with what Damica was saying. It really seemed hopeless. There was nothing at all that he could do about it, was there? But, no, wait, what had he told her just now? Just that Sofie was being stubborn. That wasn't completely true, was it?
"No, wait, I forgot to say--the last time we talked she said that she would try to date but she does not know how, and I know her--she will not until someone forces her to and she will use that as her excuse. What do you know about dating, Damica?" For some reason, this was not nearly as awkward as he'd thought it would be. (That was almost certainly because he was too drunk to have a proper understanding of "awkward" right now.)
If Ravi was hoping she'd be of any use outside of just being able to get it out there, he was probably going to be sorely disappointed before the night was through.
"Dating?" Damica just kind of blinked. "Not a thing. I mean sure, I've had guys court me, but that's all fake shit that people do to try to win the noble's daughter away from her father. I've never dated, and certainly never tried to initiate." Did women even initiate such things? She supposed so. Mike used to hit on all the guardswomen all the time but that wasn't really the same as dating either.
A disappointed sigh followed by a rather long pause. Nobody knew anything, it seemed. What the hell was he supposed to do? Alex would know, but from the wrong perspective, and anyway asking him for advice would be the most awkward thing (not to mention Ravi would have to make this same confession to him, too).
Well, there was Diya, wasn't there? Buuuut Ravi still kind of wanted to punch him in the jaw, so any conversation with him was going to have to wait, and uuugh that was kind of awkward too, it wasn't like they were friends.
Anyway, he didn't feel like talking about this anymore. He'd gotten enough of it off of his chest that he could be satisfied for now. He'd probably remember this conversation in the morning and hate himself, but in the meantime he could just drink it away. "We should go back, I think."
Damica nodded. She felt kind of useless in this situation, really, and it bothered her somewhat, but she'd probably stop worrying about it so much in the morning. Or maybe think of something she could offer him for advice. Or find someone she could ask for advice without saying it was for him. Perhaps her cousins...?
Well, for the moment, there was what was left of the party. If anyone was left. Or at least still awake. "Let's see who's still awake and who has to be carried back to the barracks," she said, smirking, and started back towards the Coil.
Damica
Ravindra
When: During Damica's party
Where: The streets near the Coil
Rating & Warnings: PG for language. RELIGION AGAIN.
After Anson and Rasmus piss off Ravi bc he is too drunk to explain karma right, Damica decides to drag him out for a walk to cool off. They discuss Hindu beliefs vs Citadel beliefs and also how Anson is a dick and also Ravi asks for advice about Sofie.
ONE DAY THERE WILL BE A DAMICA/RAVI LOG W/NO RELIGION IN IT. ONE DAY.
Damica lead Ravi from the Coil, feeling kind of awkward but also fairly drunk. With as much as she'd had, it's a wonder she could walk straight! Well, mostly straight. Though she had sobered up some after breaking Anson's nose. It wasn't a real party until someone's nose got broke!
"So the puppy. He left her in a basket on the porch and when I opened the door she just whined at me all pitiful like and it was so cute." She didn't even want to try to bring up what was bugging him, though with how things had been going it was likely a religion thing. And trying to get him to talk about that while they were both drunk was probably not the best idea.
She hadn't really had any destination in mind, so just... walked. That way.
Okay so maybe he'd accidentally-on-purpose spilled Rasmus's drink, but Rasmus started it. In fact, Anson started it. IN FACT--
Never mind. The point was that Ravi was kind of annoyed because ever since he'd come to Tyrol he'd been forced to listen to people telling him his religion was stupid and made no sense, and he shouldn't even have mentioned it tonight because karma was hard enough to explain sober to other sober people, and "Hindus" was totally a legit response to that question Rasmus. And now he was more annoyed because Damica had dragged him out for a walk which meant she could tell he was annoyed and he was totally ruining her birthday party over BEING HINDU ARGH.
"Very cute," he replied. He was barely even engaged in the conversation. Mired in his thoughts and his AGGRAVATION W/ RAS AND ANSON. (Being drunk made it harder to climb out of that on his own.)
Well, he was certainly stuck in his mood. She went silent, just walking for a while. She didn't really mind leaving the party, not for him. Hell, the day had contained puppies, booze, and broken noses. Best birthday ever. And it wasn't like it was an early end to it, leaving when they did.
After thinking for a while, and sobering up further, she spoke. "So I'm now scheduling to teach two of my cousins how to fight, and to spar with the third as a method of self control." She could go on about Crook (thanks Anson for help with the name!), but she'd only spent a short time with the puppy before having to get to the Coil. Fortunately it wasn't too much work to get a room set up for the dog before she left. "Not sure if the sparring will work, though, but I figured it'll be good practice, since Laurent's a really good swordsman."
Okay, talking about sparring and sword training was a little easier to engage in. Damica had rather a lot of cousins, so he wasn't going to ask which ones since he wouldn't remember anyway. He kind of wanted to stay angry, but he didn't want to ruin Damica's night, so he figured the best thing to do was actually give a response and try to create a dialogue. "I am refreshing Amelia on her training, also, because of what has been going on in the city lately. What brought it up with your cousins?"
"Well," she started, then fell silent, considering. It wasn't like Ravi would tell anyone this stuff, right? Probably not. Even if he did remember it. "Adelle had the same reason. She's worried about not being able to defend herself if another riot breaks out. I'd already had a sword made for her with plans to offer lessons, so it worked out anyway. Valentin..." She hesitated a moment before continuing that part, despite her certainty that he wouldn't say anything. "Apparently he got into a fist-fight with our other cousin, so I suggested he learn self defence, since it seemed to bother him. So I'll be trying to teach him weaponless self-defence. Fending off blows, basically."
Honestly, she had mixed feelings about the whole thing. She'd spent most of her life distancing herself from the Vaux family, and now she was not just associating with, but actually visiting, the fore-runners of the family. And it hadn't been entirely terrible experiences thus far.
Nah, he was solid. He didn't repeat the things people told him in private, and walking down the street from a pub while drunk was totally private. "Self-defense is a good thing to learn, yes. Your cousin, Val--Valentin? He is upset because he lost?"
This wasn't working, though. He wasn't really engaged, he was just giving responses that seemed appropriate in context and hoping she just kept the conversation afloat on her own. This was what all small-talk was to him, really, and he found himself annoyed that he was doing it with Damica. She was his friend. He shouldn't be resorting to that tactic.
She didn't really mind. She certainly didn't expect to gain anything out of the conversation, other than being able to tell someone. She glanced sidelong at him, then shook her head and looked forward again. Even though sobering, she was still drunk enough that if she didn't watch where she walked she'd probably trip on some rock or something. Karma for not paying attention, probably.
"No. He's worried because the cousin is Laurent, who placed third in the melee tourney, and could probably snap his neck if he got angry enough. And he didn't just lose a fight, he got punched in the face during an argument." Ah, the joys of family. "And Laurent, whom I'll be sparring with, is actually worried that it'll happen again. Hence the sparring."
"Your family is very complicated." He was barely even following. He had no idea who Laurent and Valentin were and certainly had no context for understanding why this was a big deal and what, exactly was important about it. Maybe if he were sober-er he would've bothered trying, but, alas.
If that was what she wanted to talk about, though, he wasn't going to stop her. He would just listen and try not to think about Rasmus hitting him the fucking jerk.
Damica shrugged, folding her arms behind her back. "So's your religion, but I find it rather fascinating." It wasn't like she blamed him, though. He was right. Huge family, many complications, Valentin getting into fights with everyone, and even Laurent coming to her to talk about it? Oi. "It's a lot of complications I hadn't really planned on ever getting into." Another sideward glance and she added, "My family, that is." Her gaze returned forward and she went quiet, not really knowing what else to say.
"Mmm..." It was somewhere between a sigh and a groan, accompanied by him pinching the bridge of his nose and rubbing the inside corners of his eyes. His religion was not complicated, damn it, Balfourians were just too simple to understand how to think outside of their fucking box. Besides, it made more sense than the Citadel's explanation of how things worked.
"I do not understand," he said, letting his hand fall, "why it is a difficult concept that life is fair."
But this was Balfour, which was what made it complicated. Simple people enjoyed simple concepts. Damica didn't consider herself simple, though, and certainly did try her best to understand, no matter how complicated it was.
She glanced at him again. "I didn't see much of the conversation after I noticed you two taking it private, plus some stuff with Rasmus, but if you're still talking about karma, it's not the fairness of it so much as you're explaining an endless concept to a people who don't believe in endless lives. Not everyone will be open to new concepts. And some people just want to argue everything." She stopped, then shook her head and added, "Even with our own religion, rooted in Balfour, with our own Balfourian God and the Epistles and everything, many Balfourians barely pay any attention to what we have, let alone wanting to understand what you have."
He sighed. It was true. When he asked the Citadel's faithful about their religion, to explain it at least as well as he could explain his own, they either floundered or became angry at him for asking at all. They didn't understand their own scriptures, but still proclaimed their interpretations as truth. They didn't stop to examine what they believed, which was strange to him because as a Hindu that was what you were supposed to do.
"I do not understand why endless lives are difficult either. The Citadel tells you that when you die, you go either to their heaven or hell. How is this different from death and rebirth?"
Damica chuckled. She couldn't help herself. Was he really asking her to help understand something? "Heaven and hell are... well, they're constants. They're the final ending places after this life. It's not the same as having many lives, because you still only have one life here, and how you live that life determines whether you suffer for all eternity or live blissfully for all eternity, rather than having to do it over and over again like in Hinduism."
She actually stopped walking that time, looking at him. "It's like this. You have many lives to make things right. We have one life to make things right. If we fuck up, we're done. We go to hell and are doomed to suffer for the rest of eternity. Period. If we do good, we go to heaven. So while you have many lives, we only have two, one of those lasting forever after our deaths. At least that's what we're taught." That last part was added before she even realized it, which left her blinking, then turning away to continue walking again.
The stop was kind of sudden. He noticed it a few steps later and turned to face her, waiting for the rest of what she had to say because obviously it must be important.
The explanation made sense, at least as an explanation of what the Citadel believed, but as a belief it sounded ridiculous to him. More than ridiculous, it sounded scary. Where was the line between suffering forever and living in joy forever? How were your deeds weighed? Did the Citadel expect you to lead a perfect life or live in hell forever? How as that fair?
Then she started walking again and that caught him by surprise too. He caught up, fell into step beside her again, and asked, "How bad does a person need to be before he is doomed to suffer for eternity? How is it fair that the actions of only one lifetime decide what happens to you for the rest of forever?"
She found herself shrugging at those questions. "I don't know. There isn't any set limit to how much bad you can get away with, there's just a bunch of bad things you're not supposed to do at all, and a bunch of good things you're supposed to strive for. Mostly it's just 'do your best and Cita will know you were a good person'. But there's also the idea that anything that happens to you happens because Cita made it so, which I find kind of silly. I doubt a god is going to sit there supervising the lives of every person on the planet just to make sure the right people die at the right times in the right ways."
How is it fair? How is anything fair? "I guess it's supposed to be fair because they expect you to live a good life and do good for others, thus earning yourself a seat in heaven. Kind of like a promotion, while hell is a demotion." She couldn't help but give a laugh at that, light as it was. It was pretty ridiculous when she actually thought about it.
This wasn't just making no sense because he was drunk, right? This wasn't making sense because it actually made no sense, right? "But if you have only one chance to live a good life--you know, a person can learn only by making mistakes, but you are saying that Cita is expecting you to live a life perfectly on the first try, yes? Where is there room to make the mistakes and to learn how to be a good person? And why, if Cita is supposed to be a kind god, does a person not have any chance to redeem himself after death? And why is one life--one life is a very short time, and yet one life will determine your fate forever? That is a very long time. That is like--that is like looking at one day of my life and deciding based on it how I must live the rest."
A pause, but it was just long enough for a sudden epiphany. He stopped, putting a hand on Damica's shoulder and turning her to face him, and he spoke with a sort of passion to his voice, like he'd just realized the most brilliant way to explain this concept and had to share it. "Hinduism is like--think of your life, it is split into years and months and days--think of each life as one day in the life of your immortal Self, and karma is--it is the actions of one day--one life--affecting you the next day or the next week. But each day, each life, has equal weight--it is only the severity of your actions that determine the severity of your consequences, and when you finally have balanced your karma and realized the truth of Brahman, you will die, your Self, at the end of all these days--these other lives--and return to Brahman."
Another pause, the spark faded from his expression and he turned away, shaking his head. "No, never mind, that is a stupid analogy. You cannot live forever simply by not understanding death." He started walking again. (It wasn't a stupid analogy, it just broke down when you looked at it too hard--like every analogy ever. But hey, what do you expect out of a guy when he's drunk?)
Damica blinked and looked at Ravi as he turned her, listening to him intently. But when he simply brushed it off at the end, when it had sounded so good... She stood for a few of his steps before quick-stepping to catch up, almost stumbling but not quite. "The rest is still pretty good though. At least from what I've understood of what you've said." Not that she wanted to argue with him but it did make sense that way!
"But as to mistakes... You can make mistakes. If you do bad, you can ask for forgiveness. If you really feel bad for what you've done, no matter what it was, Cita will forgive you. Or you can do good to make up for it, doing enough to pay for the bad you did. Or do both I guess but it all basically makes it seem like a full time job just to live a happily ever after once you've died which I guess is why so few people actually strive for it, I dunno." Hey, she could only handle so much deep thought in a night.
Nope he still wasn't liking how this sounded AT ALL (though Damica was doing a pretty good job of explaining it). "So He will forgive you if you ask for forgiveness, but only if you ask before you die? Why can you not ask for forgiveness after death? How is it different, then? What if you die very suddenly, before you can ask for forgiveness? And what if you only live a bad life and do a great many bad things with it but at the end you ask for forgiveness and never have to face the consequences of what you do?"
This was getting way too philosophical for her. Not quite enough to give her a headache, though, which was good. She shook her head. "No, it's not just asking for forgiveness. You have to honestly and truly feel bad for what you did. I imagine that just feeling bad for it would be enough if you died before being able to ask for forgiveness, since Cita would know the intention. Which is why you can't just live a bad life as a murderer or something and still go to heaven, unless you actually honestly and truly felt bad for all of it and wished to repent or something."
"But to feel remorse does not change the suffering you have caused. Where is the justice in that? How can Kratochvil say that karma is unfair because consequences may take several lifetimes, when the Citadel says it is possible to never face consequences so long as you feel bad for what you have done?" Um because Kratochvil was a JERK that was how. Wait, wasn't he not going to think about this? It was all he'd been talking about for the past however long!
Damica couldn't help but laugh. "Kratochvil is a fool who likes to piss people off and you're letting him get to you over karma?" She patted his shoulder, head shaking. "Rav, forget him. He just likes to argue for the sake of arguing. He'd probably argue about the sky being blue if he thought it'd get someone riled up."
Head still shaking, she folded her hands behind her back again. "If you want to actually seriously discuss your beliefs you need to do so with people who want to actually listen. Otherwise they're just gonna argue everything and not even really care about what you tell them. But don't worry, karma will get them back. I'm sure Anson's nose is paying dearly for his behaviour."
He frowned. THE FROWNIEST FROWN. He was letting Kratochvil get to him over karma, because he didn't understand why Kratochvil DIDN'T GET IT. He should've known better than to engage in the first place, uuuugh.
But Ravi's face was crossed by a maliciously smug kind of smirk at the nose comment. "I think you really broke it," he said, flashing a glance at Damica.
She grinned at him, though it was perhaps slightly sheepish. "He deserved it," was all she said, lifting her right hand to inspect it for bruises, clenching it into a fist before releasing. Well, it was a bit sore, but doubtful anything she couldn't tolerate. It's what happens when you grow up fistfighting with older (larger) brothers.
"He did," Ravi agreed. BOY DID HE EVER.
And that led into a conversational lull, where he was left to his thoughts again, and he went from mildly smug/amused to pensive. Earlier Damica had made a comment that was curious to him, about how all men assumed all women wanted a man. He had replied without thinking that all women assumed that all men wanted a woman, immediately regretted it, and was glad that the subject had changed soon after and she hadn't commented on it. But right now, he kind of wanted to ask about it. He wondered if Damica meant that she had the same abnormal inclinations as he did, or if she was simply not interested like Amelia.
He started with, "Ah--Damica, earlier--" and then stopped himself and thought better of it. (If he wasn't drunk, he wouldn't even have gotten that far; he would've just stayed quiet and waited for her to bring up a new topic of conversation.)
Damica, of course, had been pretty drunk when she'd said it, and forgotten about it soon after, because puppies were adorable and she'd wanted to tell Ravi about how adorable Crook had been when she'd found her. So she had no idea what was going through his mind right now or why he'd be all hesitant about it.
She looked at him, brow raised curiously, and asked, "What?" TOO LATE Ravi you either gotta SAY IT or CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
"Ah..." DAMMIT, LOCKED IN. "No, never mind." But no subject-change followed, which meant that was only going to make her more curious.
She frowned. "Oh, c'mon. You get me all curious when I'm drunk and just expect me to forget it?" Ravi's gonna need to learn how to actually cover for himself with INTERESTING TOPIC CHANGES or just start spitting it out.
LOOK HE WAS TOO DRUNK TO THINK OF AN INTERESTING TOPIC CHANGE OKAY.
"No, I was only curious about something you said, it is nothing." Don't ask Damica don't ask! (She was drunk, of course she was going to ask.)
Well then he shouldn't have brought it up in the FIRST PLACE.
Because she was drunk. And her curiosity got the better of her when she was drunk. Never mind not caring so much about making Ravi uncomfortable.
She thought about everything she'd said over the night, but couldn't really remember it all. The ledgers might refresh her memory, though, but she wasn't about to go sifting through it now. "What did I say?" she asked, more confused than curious now. She started wondering if she'd said something offensive.
Would it be too weird if he just turned and ran? It would be weird, wouldn't it. He couldn't do that. "It was... You said... Ah. About men. Assuming a woman wants one." Please let that satisfy her curiosity because he wasn't sure he wanted to have the rest of this conversation.
Oh, that. She'd totally forgotten.
Though after the initial 'oh yeah' she started to wonder if he were trying to hit on her, then remembered his own reaction to what she'd said. The words toyed through her mind, Damica silent for the duration, then she shrugged. "It's true. Well, most men. Hell, even my own father won't shut up about it." She snorted. "Least I don't have to listen to him anymore, though I wish he'd stop trying to set up another marriage. Last guy he sent tried the 'you just need a real man' line on me."
She leaned towards him and spoke in a stage-whisper, "I broke his nose."
That got a laugh, but then confusion. "Wait, your father sent you Kratochvil?"
She blinked. "What?" Once the words sunk in, she gave him the most disgusted look and leaned away. "Ew, no. Occia's tits, no, even he has better taste than that."
The looks continued for a few moments before she managed to compose herself, shaking her head. "No, he sent some other guy. Old noble man who thought he could woo the lost girl away from her unwanted life of misery. Kept saying I'd never have to lift a sword again, he'd get me all the best gowns, and his age only meant he knew how to treat a lady."
What, they were just talking about it, it was a logical conclusion! And anyway, talking about Damica's prior courtiers was getting off the subject he'd originally intended to bring up, so it was a welcome shift. Hopefully she wouldn't regress back to it.
"Hah. Of course you cannot be happy living such a manly life, Damica, you must be rescued from it." He sounded jovial enough, but there was a note of somberness beneath that. That was exactly the sort of thing he feared happening to Amelia. That was exactly the reason he hadn't tried to marry her off or pushed anybody on her or even mentioned that she should think about marriage soon because she was twenty now.
Damica let out a snort, raising a hand to push her hair back. Even tied up some of it still got loose. "Yeah, well. It tends to keep most of 'em away from me, so even if I weren't happy with the job I'd probably keep it."
She glanced towards him again, then without thinking, asked, "So who do you like?" If she'd been SOBER she probably would have never said it (or at least asked differently) but oh well.
"Ra--" NO WAIT ABORT THAT WAS NOT THE RIGHT ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION. And besides Rasmus was just a physical attraction, his naivete and the way he took everything literally was equal parts aborable and annoying and Ravi would never be able to put up with it any sort of long term.
"Ah--nobody." A lie, there was still Alex--and then he realized with a wince that he REALLY SHOULD HAVE ANSWERED WITH HIS WIFE.
You think she didn't catch that Ravi? Well... the first part she didn't. Though the fact that it wasn't his wife did raise an eyebrow, the lieutenant looking at Ravi curiously. "I don't mean to pry, and I certainly won't think anything less of you either way, but after how you responded to me initially and just now, does that mean you aren't interested in women any more than I am in men?" Well, okay, she did mean to pry.
Well fuck. He glanced away, shoulders hunched, nervously rubbing the side of his neck. His only answer was a nod.
Damica let out a laugh at Ravi's behaviour, but quickly stifled it. It's not that big a deal! Though maybe it was in India, she didn't know. She gave him a pat on the shoulder, shrugged, and said, "I won't tell anyone." Then she went quiet, thinking of another subject to discuss. "You think they've all passed out yet?"
He shook his head, and then he stopped her, taking hold of her sleeve, and said, "Wait."
Because...because this was something he needed to talk about, and he never could, because he never let himself say it, he never told anybody because he was afraid of how they would react or how their opinion of him would change or how they would judge him for it. But he had Damica here, a friend, and now she knew half of it, so what was the harm in telling her the other half?
He'd regret this in the morning, probably. He'd definitely remember it. "It is more than that," he said.
She turned towards him as he grabbed her, brow raised, head tilted. Well, she kind of assumed it meant he liked men instead of women, but she wasn't really sure where her own interests lay so she supposed it could be different with him. Still, she hadn't wanted to pry any further than that with how uncomfortable it had made him.
But if he wanted to tell her, she certainly wasn't going to stop him. Not wanting to voice any of her assumptions, she simply said, "Yeah?" and then waited, smiling patiently.
But now that he had her attention, now that he was looking her in the face and it was finally time to admit it out loud, he couldn't. He froze up and shut down and just stared at her for a moment. Why did she look so expectant? He felt pressured, now. He couldn't say it. It was stupid to think he could admit this to her.
But if not her, who? Sofia was the only person who knew, besides his sister, and neither of them were people he could go to for conversation or advice. Sofie, even after 15 years, they still hardly knew each other. And Iravati, she would just argue and fight with him, because that was all they ever did. He needed someone he could talk to, and Damica was his closest friend right now, next to Alex.
So if he couldn't force himself to put it in simple terms, he could at least talk around it and get something out. He let his eyes drift away from the expectant look and started talking. "It is not a strange thing to like both, yes? Enough people do, just have a child and nobody will care who you are sleeping with and what they are. And it is also not strange to like one and not the other, so long as that one is the right one. But to like the wrong one, and only the wrong one..." He trailed off and left it there, looking back to her face, waiting anxiously for her reaction.
Why did he make everything sound so complicated? "So you like men," she concluded, her expression not changed at all, since it didn't matter. "It's not actually that uncommon. I mean, I don't know about India, but up here there's lots of people who prefer the wrong one, rather than just both. Well, maybe not lots, but enough. Sure, nobody really talks about it and it usually only gets whispered about in the alleys or hallways, but it's there."
Damica looked away, considering her own interests, but didn't mention them. That was all sorts of complicated and how do you even go about figuring them out when you've got nobody to figure them out with and what would she even say about her confusion? "I suspect at least a few people who do their duty to have a child to continue the family don't actually have any interest in the sex of their partner. It's just... a thing. That you do. Though for nobility it's far more pressing than others."
He twitched when she said it. He never liked saying it so clearly; it felt like an admission of wrongness when it was phrased like that. And the explanation she gave didn't sit right with him. It might be a well-known secret that that sort of thing went on, but people still talked. They still judged you. They still made assumptions about you based on this one fact and looked at you differently than they would if they didn't know. It might be common, but it wasn't normal.
"And when you can not even do that much? When you have been married fifteen years and still have no child and people tell you, 'Do it already, what is the problem?'"
She looked at him for a long moment, silent, the smile faded from her face. She looked kind of sad, though not at Ravi. Just... the memories of what she'd lost so many years ago. She hadn't even really wanted it, but once she'd lost it, it hurt.
Finally, she turned away again, shrugging. "Find someone else to do it, I guess. I don't know. I only know with experience as being the woman. It's easier, I suppose, since all she has do is lay there and let the man do all the work."
omg Damica he couldn't just find someone else to knock up his wife. Where would he find somebody brown enough?!
He sighed, suddenly frustrated. It wasn't like he'd been expecting Damica to solve his problems, but her response just sounded so dismissive to him. She didn't understand the situation. "I told her--I told her to find someone else, Sofia. But she--she wants a romance, but she wants it from her husband. It is the only option, for her. Either with her husband or not at all. But with either choice, we both are unhappy. I don't know what to do. When we try to talk about it, we only fight."
She wasn't trying to be dismissive. It was just the first time this sort of thing had been brought up, outside of her family or whatever courtiers they'd sent her, since it all happened. It's not easy to deal with, especially since, outside of rumours, nobody knows about it.
But, Ravi was opening up to her. Probably not something he did with many people. So she tried her best to shove that aside, something to talk about later if it came up again, and turned back to him. "I really don't know what to say, Rav. I mean, if you want someone else to talk to her, I could try, but I don't think I'd have much to say that would convince her, if you've been going this long unable to do so."
Nope, still frustrated. Only now it was with the situation in general and not with what Damica was saying. It really seemed hopeless. There was nothing at all that he could do about it, was there? But, no, wait, what had he told her just now? Just that Sofie was being stubborn. That wasn't completely true, was it?
"No, wait, I forgot to say--the last time we talked she said that she would try to date but she does not know how, and I know her--she will not until someone forces her to and she will use that as her excuse. What do you know about dating, Damica?" For some reason, this was not nearly as awkward as he'd thought it would be. (That was almost certainly because he was too drunk to have a proper understanding of "awkward" right now.)
If Ravi was hoping she'd be of any use outside of just being able to get it out there, he was probably going to be sorely disappointed before the night was through.
"Dating?" Damica just kind of blinked. "Not a thing. I mean sure, I've had guys court me, but that's all fake shit that people do to try to win the noble's daughter away from her father. I've never dated, and certainly never tried to initiate." Did women even initiate such things? She supposed so. Mike used to hit on all the guardswomen all the time but that wasn't really the same as dating either.
A disappointed sigh followed by a rather long pause. Nobody knew anything, it seemed. What the hell was he supposed to do? Alex would know, but from the wrong perspective, and anyway asking him for advice would be the most awkward thing (not to mention Ravi would have to make this same confession to him, too).
Well, there was Diya, wasn't there? Buuuut Ravi still kind of wanted to punch him in the jaw, so any conversation with him was going to have to wait, and uuugh that was kind of awkward too, it wasn't like they were friends.
Anyway, he didn't feel like talking about this anymore. He'd gotten enough of it off of his chest that he could be satisfied for now. He'd probably remember this conversation in the morning and hate himself, but in the meantime he could just drink it away. "We should go back, I think."
Damica nodded. She felt kind of useless in this situation, really, and it bothered her somewhat, but she'd probably stop worrying about it so much in the morning. Or maybe think of something she could offer him for advice. Or find someone she could ask for advice without saying it was for him. Perhaps her cousins...?
Well, for the moment, there was what was left of the party. If anyone was left. Or at least still awake. "Let's see who's still awake and who has to be carried back to the barracks," she said, smirking, and started back towards the Coil.