Gainsay, part 4

[choclitbunny]

“Hey, motherfucker!” Audrey called from across the room. Brendon’s head snapped up and scanned the backstage area for a motley blonde head. Before he realized it, a small body launched itself at him, nearly knocking him over.

“Audrey!” he managed to get out as she forced the air from his lungs. They exchanged large grins and Audrey grabbed the back of Brendon’s head to pull him into a hard, wet kiss. Instantly, Brendon felt his heart lift. He always loved Audrey’s complete disregard for the other people around. If they wanted to kiss, then they were going to fucking kiss and fuck anyone who had a problem with it. When he kissed her back, he latched onto her, not the slightest bit embarrassed when their tongues rushed together hurriedly.

They pulled apart and Brendon couldn’t keep himself from smiling. Audrey laughed and pressed her head to his chest as she wrapped her arms around him. After a moment or two of them embracing, she pulled back and punched Brendon in the stomach.

“Way to never call me, asshole,” she said with a smile that gave her away.

“I have hardly had the time to sleep, let alone call people,” Brendon replied as he rubbed his belly with a wince. He tried to smile as genuinely as he could back at her. Hers only got bigger, and Brendon felt like his whole body got lighter. Audrey was always the most beautiful when she smiled like that.

“You better be glad I love you or I’d dump your ass for some hot, young thing,” said Audrey.

“God, we’re already at that stage? Well, then. I guess I’ll have to show you how much you’d miss out on,” murmured Brendon. Audrey gave a low, rumbling chuckle.

“After the show, come back with me to my hotel,” she whispered in his ear.

“The second we get off that stage,” Brendon whispered back, smiling for real.

“I’ll meet you back here once you’re off and drive us there.” She kissed him hard and pressed her whole body against him. “God, I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Brendon breathed against her ear. Her fingers raked through his hair and he closed his eyes to enjoy it. She twirled a lock around her finger and tugged a little to get his attention.

“I think you’re on in just a second,” she said. He groaned and reluctantly let her go.

“I’ll see you afterwards,” he said quickly.

“Love you,” she said, pecking him on the lips.

“Love you too,” replied Brendon.

He bounded away to find the rest of the guys fiddling with their costumes and pulling at their hair. Except Jon, who was always fine right before going onstage. Jon just sipped from a bottle of water and gave Brendon a pointed look when the boy returned from his little reunion. Brendon quirked an eyebrow but Jon shook his head like, “Forget it.”

Spencer wasn’t so polite.

“Dude, I totally understand that you haven’t seen her in weeks, but there are other people backstage. Making out right in the middle of everything really isn’t cool,” he said crossly. Ryan elbowed him very obviously but kept his eyes elsewhere like he was hoping no one else saw it. All of a sudden, Brendon felt a huge pang of guilt bounce around his chest. How could he forget?

He was grateful when a sound tech called the one minute warning and made Brendon’s mind switch gears. It was time to get ready for the show.

* * *

While they were all walking backstage for a costume change, Brendon came up beside Ryan in the hall and mumbled quietly, “Sorry about earlier.”

“You shouldn’t be,” Ryan said immediately.

Brendon snorted and said, “Well then, if that’s the case…” He flapped a hand like he was casting it all off, but Ryan didn’t smile or respond with something sarcastic and Brendon knew he probably shouldn’t have said that. His chest started aching. He brought his hand up to the hair touching Ryan’s collar and twirled his fingers in it, murmuring, “Sorry. I’ll stop.”

Ryan shook his head and bumped Brendon’s hand off with his shoulder. “She’s your girlfriend. You’re allowed to want to be with her.”

Everything Brendon could think of to respond to that with was stupid. They didn’t speak the whole time backstage.

* * *

Audrey’s manicured hands clawed at his jacket as they walked through the hotel room door. It was a nice place. Standard and unobtrusive, but in the comforting way that made Brendon feel like there actually was order in the world sometimes.

He had exactly 1.4 seconds to think about that until Audrey pounced on him from behind, kissing his neck and slithering her arms around his middle. He leaned back into it and closed his eyes. Part of him had really missed this.

“Take this off,” Audrey growled, tugging on the collar of Brendon’s jacket. He barely had to shrug out of it before she took it off him herself. She tossed it on the floor carelessly and turned Brendon around to kiss him.

It was startlingly soft and tender. Her lips just brushed his for a moment and she slid her hands up to join behind his neck, holding him a breath away from her for a few moments.

“I missed you,” she whispered.

Brendon tried not to grin like an idiot. He felt hazy and delusional and unexplainably happy. He pecked her on the lips once more and held onto her hips. Hips that felt weirdly different, for some reason.

“Come on,” she beckoned. “Not enough naked going on in here.”

Brendon mimicked cheesy porn music as he twirled Audrey in a circle and grabbed the hem of her impossibly short dress, inching it higher. She giggled and held her arms up, licking her lips playfully and raising one eyebrow as the material moved up past her stomach.

Brendon pulled it over her without any catastrophe’s, which he mentally congratulated himself for, and there was Audrey-pretty, pale, and petite, in a push-up bra and lacey black underwear. She was picture-perfect, and Brendon felt a smug smile tugging at his lips as he thought, “That’s mine.”

He stood there and admired her for a second and Audrey just waited. And waited. And then she giggled as she said, “Are you gonna fucking do something, or what?”

Without further prodding, Brendon slipped his hands around to rest on her lower back and the curve of her ass before he leaned in and kissed her hard. Their teeth clicked, but Brendon didn’t care. He could feel her going loose in his grip for a second and then tensing up, retaliating and gripping his shoulder blades as they kissed. When she opened her mouth to him, he felt his blood racing and he kissed her harder, pressing their hips together. All of a sudden, she was floundering in his hold and Brendon backed up for a moment.

“Whoa, slow down,” Audrey said, barely managing a chuckle. “We have all night.”

Brendon was almost a big enough asshole to say how he didn’t care; he wanted it right fucking now.

“’Kay, sorry,” he said instead, smiling ruefully at her. He softened his grip on her and kissed her lightly on the corner of the mouth. “It’s just been a little too long, is all.”

She smiled back with understanding and her eyes darkened. “I know. Just don’t break me in half or it’ll be even longer.”

Brendon tried to laugh but it came out more like a snort. Lines from a She Wants Revenge song scrolled through his head. I want to fucking tear you apart.

He cocked his head to the left and said, “Bed, please.”

Audrey gave a half-smirk and led him by the hand to the bed. She leaned back and gently laid herself down, her hair falling in perfect arrangement on the pillow like she did it on purpose. When she tugged on his hand, he came up and kneeled on his hands and knees over her, not wasting another moment without his mouth on hers. He could feel her fingers curling and uncurling on the material of his shirt and little puffs of breath escaping out through her nose. Her hands wandered to his chest and down to the bottom edge of his shirt.

She pulled away from the kiss and said, “Still need more naked.”

Immediately, he threw his shirt off. When he came back down to kiss her again, she stopped him and rolled them over so she could be on top.

“Sorry, honey. You’re kind of smothering me,” she said. He hoped she meant it good-naturedly.

She leaned down and pressed her lips back on his again, tongue darting out and wedging between his lips. He sucked on her tongue lightly and reached a hand up to touch one of her breasts. The other trailed down her hip to flutter along the inside of her thigh, not quite touching the black lace but close enough to tease. Audrey gave a little high-pitched whine and arched her back.

“Is it possible that you’ve gotten even better at making out since we last saw each other?” she murmured against his cheek.

“I don’t know whether to feel complimented or insulted,” Brendon said in a low voice, smiling as their noses brushed.

“Take it as a compliment,” she clarified. Brendon swept one finger in a line down her panties and she inhaled shakily. “Definitely a compliment.”

Brendon inclined his head enough so his mouth could reach Audrey’s neck, sucking and nipping along the side. She leaned down lower and pulled her head back to give him more to work with.

Her skin was silky under his fingertips. Every inch of flesh felt petal soft and gloriously smooth. And he’d almost forgotten how awesome breasts felt and now he couldn’t stop touching them, squeezing them, kneading them. He finally slipped his hands behind her back to unclasp her bra and, Jesus, he had missed breasts so much.

“Roll over,” he said quietly. She obediently moved off to the side and onto her back, quickly followed by Brendon. His hand found her breast again immediately, mouth kissing her again like he was starving for it. There was so much tongue that it was messy and uncoordinated but Brendon couldn’t help thinking more, more, more.

Audrey pushed him away for a moment and gasped as she said, “Breathing! Breathing is good.”

Brendon chuckled nervously. “I’m sorry, babe.”

He moved down to her neck again, instead, and reveled a little in the tiny moans he could provoke as he sucked on the junction between her neck and shoulder. Ryan really liked that, too.

“No, no, no. Not right now,” he told himself.

He dipped his head lower to meet Audrey’s breast and licked delicately around the nipple. Her breath hitched and she moaned again, louder now, when Brendon took it in his mouth and sucked. Her back bowed at a harsh angle to get closer and her fingers threaded through the hair curling at the back of his neck. Brendon felt her other hand pawing at his belt, struggling to get it open, and his cock gave an ecstatic twitch. When she finally got them open and her hand squeezed around him, he bit down on her nipple accidentally.

“Ow! Brendon!” she cried, retracting her hand. “Fucking hurts.”

He apologized for, like, the tenth time that night and licked gingerly at the pink bud again in what he hoped was a soothing way. She just sighed as she pushed his pants and underwear off his hips and helped him kick them off his legs.

Brendon moved back up and kissed her gently, fingers dancing along the edge of her underwear. He pressed the heel of his hand between her legs and rubbed a little. When Audrey winced, he backed off and remembered that she liked one finger at a time. It was hard to remember that it wasn’t Ryan he was having sex with.

“No, really, I am not going to think about this now.”

He used his middle finger to rub tiny circles through the moist black panties, moving around until Audrey gasped and grabbed his biceps. Her mouth had gone completely slack as Brendon added his index finger and rubbed up and down.

“Fuck, Brendon,” she whispered hoarsely. “Please.”

Brendon used both hands to carefully pull her panties off. He took no time at all to nestle himself between her legs, and she linked her pale ankles around his waist. She smiled lazily at him and he leaned up to brush their lips together. When his cock just brushed against the wetness between her legs for the shortest second, he nearly came apart. With hardly any preamble, Brendon lined up and pushed in, causing Audrey to cry out.

“Jesus, Bren!” she squeaked. “Seriously, I’m not going anywhere! You can slow down already! You’re fucking hurting me.”

Brendon wanted to curl up in a hole to jerk off and then just die.

* * *

“Sooo, Brendon,” Jon said when Brendon stumbled onto the bus the next morning. Ryan and Spencer were probably still asleep.

“Hey,” said Brendon, throat clogged with morning junk.

“How was the… bow-chika-wow-wow?” Jon waggled his eyebrows and grinned.

“A huge, epic, monumental disaster. You don’t even know, dude.”

* * *

Audrey made her first appearance on the bus the very same day. With her, she brought an entourage of luggage that was stowed in one of the empty bunks. They were an ugly, bright lime color that gave Brendon a headache if he looked at them too long.

Spencer glared at her from under his eyelashes a lot while she wasn’t looking.

Ryan wouldn’t look at anyone.

Jon actually tried to get along when forced into situations with her.

Brendon sort of hated his life.

* * *

“Come to bed, Bear,” Audrey called when Brendon came out of the bathroom. Brendon pushed open the door to the bunks and saw her sprawled out in his bunk, looking breath-taking. He wanted to.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes. I just need to talk to the guys and then I’ll come back,” he tried to explain. Audrey huffed a little but didn’t stop him.

He closed the door and went to sit down on the couch next to Ryan and Jon. Spencer was sitting cross-legged on the floor with a notebook in hand. Scribbling furiously, he kept his head bent and his back hunched like he was afraid the world would see the plan before they were ready.

“You look like you have Spina Bifida,” Brendon said, wiggling his toes in his socks. Jon giving him an incredulous look made him realize that might have been a little off-color.

“I’m going to ignore you,” Spencer mumbled with his head still down.

Brendon leaned over to Ryan and asked, “What’s he writing?”

“Ideas,” Ryan said. “For the next tour.”

“Or just some tour. Doesn’t have to be the very next one,” Spencer added.

“We’ve sort of proclaimed him the official secretary who has to write all the shit down. Or else we’ll forget it all.”

“Spencer’s our sexy secretary? Awesome, when do we get to give him a promotion?”

“To what?” asked Ryan.

“To move up in the world.” Brendon gave Spencer a theatrical wink. Jon’s eyes crinkled as he smiled wide and chuckled a little with Brendon’s, and even Spencer gave a tiny smile.

“You better watch out, man,” warned Spencer, looking smug. “You would totally be my coffee bitch if we were going by how big our ‘promotions’ were.”

The guys oohed and Spencer quirked a brow at Brendon challengingly.

“What ideas do we have, lowly secretary?” asked Brendon, reaching for the notebook. Spencer handed it over easily, flicking some hair out of his eye.

There was practically nothing on the list.

Circus(?)

High drum riser

Then there were a lot of black clouds of ink over words that had been scribbled out.

Brendon looked up at Spencer and said, “You looked like you were writing a shitload of things down. This is sort of disappointing.”

“Well, we just starting getting them down on paper. We’re mostly just trying to remember them all right now,” Ryan said. “Do you remember any?”

“I wanted animals,” pouted Brendon.

“You know we can’t do that,” Jon said, flicking Brendon in the head. “What happens when the lion bites your hand off?”

“That’s why you get a trained lion, dumbass,” said Brendon, rolling his eyes and scoffing. “Duh.”

“Aw, dude, how badass would it be to have pryotechs and little fireworks for the finale?” Spencer said, bracing his hands against the carpet and leaning back. “Fuck yeah.”

Brendon bounced his knee and chattered, “And I could shoot out of a cannon onto the stage. I could have a little target and a crash helmet and everything. And then I’d land on stage and be like, ‘How’s that for an entrance?’”

“If we had it our way, this tour would be the mother-load of safety violations,” Jon chuckled.

They must have talked for hours about the tour ideas, Spencer always dutifully jotting down the things mentioned and crossing some out when necessary. Jon was the first to turn in for the night. Spencer followed about an hour later. And then it was just Ryan and Brendon up front, still spouting off possibilities for their “epic tour”. Ryan had taken up Spencer’s spot with the notebook on the floor and Brendon was laying with his feet at once end of the couch and his head at the other. Even lying supine, he managed to wiggle and throw his arms around in enthusiasm. Ryan figured that Brendon just never stopped moving.

“And the gay!” Brendon said a little too loud. He withered a little and looked around like he was afraid someone was going to bust through the door screaming, “What?! Gay?!”

Ryan just laughed and said, “And the gay.”

“It’ll be like a musical. In between the songs is the transpiring story of two would-be lovers!”

“One bold, brash character trying to seduce the timid little one,” Ryan said with a laugh. Brendon smiled and glanced darkly down at him, both of them taking a moment to enjoy the irony.

“I hope you can act, Ross,” smirked Brendon. He actually wanted to laugh really, really hard because they didn’t have much hope.

“Can you actually pull off being sexy on stage? I mean, really. Come on, give me your best Smoldering Temptress,” Ryan said teasingly.

“Oh, Jesus, trust you to make a Moulin Rouge reference at every chance you get.”

“But, no really, you’ve got charisma, or whatever, but I wonder how well that translates to sex appeal,” Ryan said, his eyes on the ceiling with that far off look he gets when he’s thinking.

“It has nothing to do with how sexy I am. That’s why it’s acting,” explained Brendon. “You know Beyoncé Knowles calls her stage presence Sasha? How profound is that? Separating your performance from your personality. It’s like giving yourself another identity to be strong or smart or sexy if you want to. It’s still you standing there, experiencing it, you know, but it’s not you.”

“I’m actually not going to ask why you were doing research on Beyoncé,” said Ryan, rubbing the scratchy stubble on his chin. He tried to hide his smile. “I really like that idea, though. Having an alter ego for the stage.”

“First of all, I watched a Beyoncé special on E! one time, which does not equal going and researching her. And second, I think it’s brilliant. Wear the character like the make-up and just wipe it away after the show is over,” Brendon said knowingly, and Ryan gave him a look crossed between amused and impressed.

Ryan laid down on his back on the floor and sighed up at the ceiling with closed eyes. “Whenever we get to do this, this is gonna be a fucking awesome tour.”

“No shit. When we use all this, we’ll blow the fucking roof off every place we play.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Brendon sighed.

A long, comfortable silence passed, the air electric with their anticipating. When Brendon yawned, Ryan followed. Slowly, they began to drift off. It was late, Brendon assumed. Ryan still had the notebook resting on his stomach when they were both asleep.

* * *

Brendon had an unintentional habit of waking up early on Sundays that he couldn’t get to go away. His biological clock was permanently set to go off at seven in the morning on Sundays. And if he tried to sleep past eight, he would get restless and frustrated and end up moving around and growling at himself.

When he woke up entangled with Audrey one Sunday morning, he didn’t think she’d appreciate his tossing and turning. He carefully managed to pull himself away and then stumble into the front in search of food and Red Bull.

Sitting at the make-shift table was Ryan with a cup of coffee and a pop tart.

“Those are my pop-tarts,” said Brendon, not really meaning it as an accusation. He wasn’t awake enough for that yet.

“Sorry,” offered Ryan. “You can have the rest if you want.”

Brendon shook his head and pulled a can of Red Bull out of the fridge. For a moment, he scanned the shelves of the fridge but didn’t find anything that looked good. He settled for munching on the Doritos sitting in a half-empty bag on the counter.

“Breakfast of champions,” remarked Ryan.

“He says as he eats a pop-tart,” Brendon said back, sounding a bit more irritated than he actually was.

“At least mine is designed for breakfast,” Ryan snorted.

Brendon rolled his eyes and came to sit down next to Ryan. When Ryan scooted away awkwardly, Brendon stopped for a second. Had he been sitting on some part of Ryan? Brendon hadn’t sat down that close.

A few moments later, Audrey shuffled out of the bunks and didn’t smile when she saw Brendon like she normally did. She actually looked like she was glaring, but Brendon thought it might have been because she’d just woken up, eyes still squinty and adjusting to light. He hoped so.

“It’s really not cool to wake up alone when I could be waking up with you,” Audrey said bluntly, her voice still deep and gravely from sleep.

“I’m sorry, babe,” Brendon said honestly. “I wanted to let you sleep.”

“That’s sweet, but I can sleep anytime. I don’t get to see you much,” she replied. She walked over and pecked Brendon on the mouth.

“Good morning,” said Brendon.

“Morning,” she said, finally smiling.

Ryan shifted a little next to them and Brendon saw Audrey’s eyes flick over to him. He hoped he imagined the distain in them.

* * *

That night, Brendon was sitting in the back lounge with Audrey and screwing around on Spencer’s laptop, surfing Youtube and laughing at the videos Zack had found a couple of weeks ago. (Zack had this special power to find awesome things on the internet. Brendon kept asking him to teach him his ways, but Zack would always say that it wasn’t on purpose or some other lie of that sort. But Brendon knew better.) Out of nowhere, Audrey kissed him on the neck right below his ear and Brendon’s entire body went rigid. He held his breath as Audrey kissed her way to his mouth and all of a sudden, they were making out with the laptop on the floor.

Audrey’s hand snuck down his body to palm him through his jeans when the door suddenly burst open and, of course, there was Ryan, walking in and scratching his head, completely unsuspecting. He stopped cold when he saw them, stood frozen for a second, then turned around and flung the door shut behind him at quickly as he could.

Audrey threw her head back and laughed. Then she shouted half-heartedly, “Sorry!”

She was still giggling when she turned back to Brendon and pressed her lips back to his. He turned away and said, “No.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked, confused and concerned.

“It’s just weird knowing that the guys are, like, right there. And I have the sneaking suspicion that Jon’s going to be in here any moment to piss us off and make sure we don’t make out any more. He does that to Spencer all the time when his girlfriend is on tour with us.” He tried to sound convincing and not like stomach was roiling around and making him feel sick.

Audrey’s face pinched in that petulant expression she got when she wasn’t getting her way, but she surrendered.

* * *

When Audrey finally bid Brendon and the rest of the boys goodbye, no one could deny that a cloud of tension had finally left the bus. Brendon was grateful that no one actually mentioned it, though.

The very first thing that happened was that Jon issued a Guitar Hero tournament and even Ryan agreed to play. Then they played Nirvana on Spencer’s laptop and sat around and did nothing and it felt like the most fun they’d had in days. They fell asleep in a big pile on the couch with The Princess Bride playing in the background, Spencer on one end, leaning into Brendon’s chest, Brendon with his head on Ryan’s shoulder and one hand holding Ryan’s wrist, and Ryan and Jon resting their heads together. Never had Brendon felt more like he belonged someplace. It was times like that when Brendon wondered if he really needed a girlfriend to make him happy, or if he could just make it through with what he had in that moment.

* * *

Brendon had watched Phantom of the Opera four times that week and the movie hadn’t gotten boring yet. It was only a matter of time until he watched it so many times that he would never be able to watch it again, but that time was still yet to come.

So when Brendon found Ryan laid out on the couch watching it in the front lounge, he plopped down next to him, intending on enjoying the movie once more and killing some time. Seconds after he did, he found Ryan and himself on top of each other on the couch-him on his back and Ryan between his legs leaning back on his chest, stretched from arm rest to armrest and just relaxing. On instinct, his fingers carded through Ryan’s hair and Ryan rested his hands on Brendon’s knees. And Brendon wasn’t sure, but it felt like Ryan was leaning back into his fingers.

For what felt like hours, they stayed there just enjoying the body warmth, Brendon’s hand still moving slowly on its own through Ryan’s hair. Every once in a while, Brendon would glance down at Ryan and notice Ryan’s eyes closed, mouth open just a little, looking like he was sleeping.

The movie in the background and the warm air of comfort enveloping them lulled them into half-consciousness, only somewhat aware of what was going on around them. Brendon could hear Ryan breathing in and out like clockwork, could feel his ribcage expand and contract on top of Brendon’s own chest. That was when something nearly strange happened.

Ryan picked up one of his hands and found Brendon’s, lacing their fingers slowly and a little clumsily. One of those overtly intimate moments that Brendon wasn’t used to with Ryan. It almost made Brendon shake off his sleepiness and take a second to really think what was going on. Then Ryan spoke.

“Girls aren’t pretty anymore,” he said, sounding very dazed and far off. Brendon petted his hair a little more and Ryan didn’t move. He sounded lost in his own head. It was almost as if he didn’t even realize he said it aloud. He just sighed deeply like one does when they’re so far gone that they might as well be asleep, and he didn’t wait for Brendon to reply.

Brendon thought about this for a moment.

Girls. Girls were good. Girls had breasts and nice hair and soft skin. Girls wanted boys to fuck them. They had sultry eyes and nice bodies. Girls wore short skirts and low-cut tops that made Brendon look over out of the corner of his eye. So, yeah, girls were still hot, as far as he was concerned. But were girls his first choice? Maybe. Maybe girls were sort of stupid sometimes, but girls were definitely still pretty.

Ryan shifted the tiniest bit, burrowing himself closer to Brendon and letting go of his hand in the process. Brendon was surprised to find himself mourning the loss, and he was too tired to care how girly he realized that was. He just wanted to sleep. And as his mind started to blur around the edges, he had one final, blurring thought.

“Ryan Ross, you’re prettier than any girl.”

* * *

Starting that night, Brendon began crawling into Ryan’s bunk and falling asleep curled up next to him. Ryan never pushed him away. They would kiss lazily for a few minutes until they were too tired and too comfortable to do anything but huddle closer. Brendon didn’t care that it made things a little too warm, and he didn’t care that his arm usually fell asleep before he did. He was always too comfortable and too satisfied to do anything but drift off.

* * *

“So how’s the polygamy going?” Jon asked as he and Brendon were playing Halo in the front lounge.

“What?” said Brendon, jerking to the left as he moved the character left.

“You and your two wives?”

Brendon was silent and still. Jon kept playing.

“I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but it’s probably better that you just pick one. Whichever you choose, that’s your decision to live with, but do choose.”

Brendon and Jon played Halo in silence for another forty-five minutes and Brendon tried to keep his mind on the videogame.

* * *

Almost a week later, Brendon still couldn’t get Jon’s words out of his head. It scratched persistently at the corners of his mind while he was trying to sleep. He tried to drown them out with his iPod, but nothing seemed to be working. This particular night, they kept him from being able to even close his eyes.

Looking around in the dark, staring at nothing in particular, he finally asked himself the question he’d been avoiding for way too long: “Which one do I want?”

He lay there for a few moments with a blank mind. He modified his question. “Which one do I want more?”

It was like asking a mother to ask which child she wanted to save. He felt like losing one of them was losing more than he would be able to handle. He cared about Audrey a lot, possibly even loved her, but there was Ryan. Ryan, the boy who had made everything happen and had actually given him a chance when he was just a loser in high school. Ryan had been the one pushing them to do something with their lives and Audrey seemed content to waste it all away with partying and frivolous things like her new hair color. In comparison, Audrey was trash. Sure, she was funny and adventurous and exciting, but sometimes Brendon wondered if excitement was really what he wanted. Maybe he wanted something stead-fast and reliable, sometimes.

Ryan was kind-hearted and witty and full of infinite potential. It didn’t take a seasoned old producer to see that Ryan had something special about him. Most everything about him seemed like an art, and Brendon still found himself awestruck at just how amazing Ryan Ross was, even after knowing him so long. Still, Brendon found it easy to talk to Ryan like they were on the same level. Ryan still made stupidly funny jokes and liked to talk about nothing in particular sometimes. There were days when Ryan woke up looking ugly, stumbling around clumsily. He still had his imperfections just like everyone else but didn’t like to flaunt them like they were admirable-Audrey did. Somehow, Ryan managed to be his hero and his best friend at the same time.

What did Audrey have going for her? Her looks? The clothes she wanted to design? When it came down to it, Audrey was a vain little party girl looking for money and fame. Just like everyone else, she was a scared little girl trying to find herself but wanted to convince the world that she was somebody when she was really nobody at all. All she could do was boost her own self-esteem with her false confidence as she hid underneath hair extensions, flashy clothes, and an inch of make-up. All the while, the only thing that kept her going was her own propaganda spreading the idea that she was the girl that every guy wanted and every girl wanted to be. She always lied to everyone, but she lied to herself best of all.

She could spawn a million imitations, but what did that mean to anyone? When had being a model ever saved a life? When had being a model given someone hope? When had fashion done anything besides suck your money away? All that industry ever did was make people focus outwardly and ignore the problems inside themselves.

Not that Brendon had an issue with having nice clothes and being stylish. Quite the opposite, in fact. Audrey, however, seemed to base her worth and her life around how good she looked. It had never bothered Brendon before, but now it made him angry. Extremely angry, he was surprised to find.

He and the other guys didn’t want to be a band all about their looks. Music was what they had spent weeks cramped in the tiny house in Maryland for. Looking good was nice, but sounding good was better. Music spoke to people. Fashion did not. Brendon wanted Panic! at the Disco to be about the music and the fans. Audrey’s whole “career” was only ever going to be about her. He didn’t want a trophy girlfriend.

At that moment, he could only remember a single driving reason why he was with her at all. She was beautiful. He used to think she was funny and smart, a revolutionary blazing her own trail, but it only turned out that he was naïve. Brendon wanted more than her looks. There were a million beautiful girls out there, anyway. What made her so special? Why her?

By losing Audrey, he would lose that beauty and a love that was a really shitty love to begin with. Losing Ryan meant losing the band, his dreams, his future, his friends, and everything he ever wanted in his life. Everything. He was going nowhere with Audrey, but he could go anywhere with Ryan.

Plus, all logic aside, Brendon was pretty sure he was falling in love with Ryan.

Ryan.

He slipped out of his bunk as quietly as he could and pushed back the curtain to the one directly below. Without invitation or announcement, he rolled into Ryan’s bunk and was met with a tired, irritated grunt when he rolled right onto a little stick-like body. Ryan mumbled something and then scooted up against the wall sluggishly. Brendon wiggled closer until he was pressed along Ryan’s side, and he nosed along Ryan’s jaw with one arm slung across his skinny chest. When Ryan turned his head and kissed Brendon gently, lips barely even touching, Brendon had never felt so content in all his life.

I love you, he wanted to say.

* * *

Spencer had been pretty quiet about all of this and Brendon had seriously appreciated him keeping his mouth shut. It had made things infinitely less complicated. But it was inevitable that Spencer would say something, so when Spencer finally came to him and said, “Hey, I need to talk to you,” Brendon wasn’t surprised.

The timing was predictable-Zack had gone out with Ryan and Jon that night because Ryan had heard about a casino in town that sounded fun, leaving Spencer and Brendon on the bus. It was like Spencer was setting things up so nothing could be in his way. That scared Brendon just a little. Spencer could be hiding a knife somewhere to pull on Brendon if he said the wrong thing, for all Brendon knew. But Spencer totally wouldn’t do that. At least Brendon hoped he wouldn’t.

Spencer perched himself on the armrest of the couch, arms crossed and head down like he was thinking, and Brendon sat on the couch cushions impatiently.

“Hey, I already know what you’re going to say,” Brendon said quickly, hoping to make things quicker and easier. He thought that maybe if he said it first, it wouldn’t be quite as harsh as hearing Spencer say it.

“Really.” Spencer sounded rightfully skeptical.

“I know you’re here to talk about Ryan and Audrey, because I’ve already had Jon say something and I don’t think there’s anything more for you to say.”

“What did Jon say to you?”

Brendon looked down at his chewed fingernails and tried not to ramble but sort of failed. “He told me I needed to stop going back and forth. And I thought about it a lot and I’ve made my decision so you don’t have to come in here to give me a lecture about messing with Ryan’s head or whatever you were going to say. I’ve got things under control.”

Spencer barely stumbled before he collected himself and said, “Well, that’s good to know, but I was actually here to talk more about not messing with Audrey’s head.”

Brendon looked up at him and thought that maybe Spencer understood. Maybe Spencer already knew what Brendon was planning to do. He exhaled shakily, feeling a little relieved. Maybe Spencer could help him know what to say, how to let her down easy.

Spencer took a breath and said, “She doesn’t deserve this. She probably thinks everything’s ok, and it’s not fair to her to just draw this out any longer. I don’t really care that she’s occasionally a bitch to us; she’s still a human being and you should treat her like one. You need to tell her.”

“I know, Spence,” Brendon said, head bowed. He already felt like an asshole just acting like nothing was wrong when he would talk to her on the phone. She would laugh at something he said and his stomach would wrench at knowing how she had no reason to smile over him.

“So are you actually going to tell her or are you just saying that to appease me?” asked Spencer with a crooked smile.

“I’ve got to tell her we’re over eventually, don’t I?” Brendon nodded. “No, yeah. I have to tell her, I guess. Hopefully soon. I think she already knows something’s off between us.”

“Do you think she’ll take you back?”

Brendon froze and his mind shut down for a second. He looked up at Spencer again and they blinked once at each other.

All Brendon could manage to say was, “What?”

“Do you think she’ll take you back after she knows about all this shit between you and Ryan?” Spencer elaborated. “I mean, she’s obviously going to be pissed, but I think she’d still forgive you.”

Brendon shook his head and tried to clear the confusion whipping around in his brain like a hurricane. He tried replaying their conversation in his head to see where they went off on different trains of thought, but he couldn’t align things. Ok, so maybe Spencer had absolutely no idea what Brendon had been planning.

“I… I wasn’t going to go and… confess to her, Spencer. I was going to break up with her,” he said slowly. The words scratched against his conscience like nails on glass. He was going to have to break up with her and she would never know the real reason why.

Spencer’s eyes hardened and he looked at Brendon with a scowl. “I thought you were going to apologize to her. Explain why you’d been acting weird and shit.”

Brendon pressed his lips into a firm line and shook his head slowly. It felt like the roof of the bus was going to cave in on them in slow motion at any moment, and Brendon would have probably welcomed that, at the moment. Spencer just kept looking at him incredulously. He hated the way Spencer’s looks could make him feel so epically stupid.

Brendon found the strength to say, “I don’t want to stay with her. I don’t even think I love her anymore.”

“No, no, Brendon,” Spencer said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “This is one of those things you work through in a relationship. You don’t give up when you have issues. If you walk away from every relationship just because you’re having problems, you’ll never last in one.”

Any other day, this would have sounded like perfectly reasonable advice, but Spencer just didn’t seem to get it.

“I don’t want her anymore. This isn’t an issue with the relationship; it’s an issue with her,” Brendon tried to explain.

“When Jon had said that you needed to stop going back and forth, I think he meant you needed to stop screwing around with Ryan and start treating Audrey better,” Spencer said through gritted teeth. His shoulders and jaw were tense, using all of his self-control not to explode. “I thought you said you were done messing with Ryan.”

“I am. I’m breaking up with Audrey, if you were paying attention,” Brendon said, knowing how condescending he sounded.

“That’s not the ‘messing’ I was implying.” Spencer’s jaw tightened. “And if you’re saying what I think you’re saying then you’re making a big mistake.”

Brendon’s voice was a little louder than necessary when he said, “And who said you got to choose what’s best for everyone?”

“I just don’t want people getting hurt over this when it ends badly. Ryan doesn’t need to go through more fucked up drama.”

Brendon’s eyes narrowed and felt a primal instinct to raise his hackles and growl until Spencer backed down, but Spencer never backed down.

“I’ve never put Ryan through more ‘fucked up drama,’” Brendon spat defensively. “And what are you, his keeper?”

“Somebody has to be, sometimes,” said Spencer. His voice was oddly composed but his posture was bristling. “I’ll protect him if I have to.”

“You have to fucking let other people have him too, Spence! You’re not the only person in his life anymore!”

“I’m not retarded, Brendon, I fucking know that.” Spencer eyes looked like they were about to glow red.

Something akin to jealously stewed in the pit of Brendon’s stomach and his words escaped like angry steam. “Am I taking something away from you, Spencer? Are you scared that I might get him instead of you?”

Spencer finally lost his cool and yelled, “It’s nothing like that!”

“I think it’s exactly like that!” Brendon yelled back louder. He could feel the blood pounding so hard and fast through his veins that he was losing his grip on his right mind. He wanted so badly to be able to stand up and punch Spencer to get him to stop talking, to go away.

Whether it was from the adrenalin or his naturally short fuse, suddenly Brendon lost all reservations. “I want Ryan!”

“Shut up!” Spencer snapped immediately. His eyes flashed dangerously like Brendon had never seen before, but Brendon was too angry to be afraid. “Shut the hell up.”

“I’m breaking up with Audrey because I want him more than her,” declared Brendon. “I’m not fucking with his head and I’m not leading him on. What is so wrong with that?”

“The thing is that I know how stupid this is. I still don’t get why you don’t.”

Spencer stared him down with an unwavering gaze that made Brendon want to smash Spencer right in the eye. He fisted his hands until they were trembling and he could feel his knuckles aching. He couldn’t stop feeling like the world was coming to cave in on him, still. A long silence passed between the two where they just sat glaring at each other, the air around them hot and prickly. Spencer’s face was flushed and pinched like he was concentrating on keeping it all in.

“Don’t be stupid right now, Brendon,” Spencer said tightly. “I don’t really care if you break up with Audrey, but leave Ryan alone.”

“Have you asked Ryan what he wants?” said Brendon. He couldn’t keep the venom from his tone.

“Sometimes people need things that they don’t want,” Spencer said quietly.

Before he even stopped to think about it, Brendon jumped up out of his seat and said, “I need Ryan!”

Spencer gave a roll of his eyes that took his entire body to accomplish and then scoffed, “Stop being such a girl.”

“What, because guys can’t fall in love too? Fuck you, Spencer! I’m done being a guy about this,” Brendon said, flinging one arm in the air and swinging it at Spencer. If they had been sitting closer, it would have backhanded Spencer across the face.

“Think about what you’re putting in danger, Brendon,” said Spencer, lowering his head and looking at Brendon from under his bangs. He looked almost menacing, and Brendon thought tears would well up in his eyes if they didn’t just end this conversation now.

“I am, Spencer. I’m risking losing Ryan by letting this go.”

“You’re risking losing him by trying to hold on, too. And the band and your other friends. Because I don’t care who does what, I’ll always be on Ryan’s side if you guys end up fighting.”

“I won’t do something stupid,” Brendon swore, his voice solemn and sincere.

Spencer narrowed his eyes and said, “You could never keep that promise.”

“I could try!” said Brendon as he nodded furiously.

“And what happens if you break it?” Spencer said, laughing a little feverishly like he was on the brink of hysteria. He stood up too, exceeding Brendon’s height, and Brendon was still too stupid to feel intimidated. “If the band breaks up, it affects more than just you and Ryan, in case you didn’t know. And I don’t want to drum for anyone else but us. I don’t want Jon to play for anyone else but us. And I don’t want you to sing or Ryan to write for anyone else but us.”

Brendon felt like the air had just been knocked out of his lungs. All he could see was Spencer’s eyes turning red and tears welling up in the corners. It made Brendon really want to give Spencer a hug but he was pretty sure this wasn’t the time for that. Spencer just might punch him in the liver for it. Still, Brendon felt his heart swell a little towards Spencer.

There was the big possibility that Spencer wasn’t just trying to keep Ryan for himself. He was trying to keep the whole family together.

“Same with me, Spence. I want it to be us all the way,” Brendon said softer, nearly choking on his words. He moved a little closer and Spencer regarded him warily. “And I promise that I’ll always think of us first. But please let me have this. I- just… I really think I might… love Ryan.”

Pressing his lips together tightly and cocking his hip, Spencer kept staring at Brendon hard, his (still not dry) eyes so intense that Brendon felt his knees turning to jelly. He felt like Spencer was reading his mind, trying to find evidence to work in his favor that let him tell Brendon no.

Finally, Spencer sighed in defeat and crumpled just a little. “Just remember: Us first.”

Brendon lunged forward and threw his arms around Spencer. He squeezed him so hard that Spencer groaned and said, “Stop it! Stop it!” Brendon laughed into Spencer’s neck and let up a little. Spencer reciprocated by circling his arm around Brendon and holding on tight. Then Spencer kissed him on the cheek and said, “He wants you too. I’ve see the way he looks at you. Jon and I both have. He cares about you. So don’t fuck this up, dude.”

“I promise I won’t,” Brendon said, his words muffled by the collar of Spencer’s shirt.

“Because I would totally kick your ass without hesitation, so you betta watch yo-self, fool.”

Brendon cracked up laughing and he finally let a tear escape his eye.

* * *

Part 5