Spectres
I had a dream I was singing a song. Which is quite unusual really. For the one my voice sounds very flat, and for another I'm not exactly a lyrical-style writer. But when I woke up I was very annoyed that I couldn't remember the song, not a word, all I knew was that it had been very poigniant and meaningful.
I'm no dream analyst but I think that some part of me has been suppressed these long months. I think I'm not as well as I thought, not to say that I'm insane or anything like that, but I'm not healthy, functional but not healthy. I'm not enjoying my work, I don't really want to go out anywhere when I come home. I find my temper is very short and Mum and Sara just irritate me, it's nothing they've done, and they don't really understand. I don't really want to be alone, but at the moment it's better when I am. At least when I'm alone in my little library the world is "out there," and I'm not carrying them and I'm not struggling to build a life and be an adult.
I do miss simpler times, I miss when there was less weight placed on my every move and descision, when failure wasn't such a big deal. You can't go back but you want to recapture the strength you had before it all went to shit. It feels so long ago I can't remember what it felt like. I feel as though I'm on a treadmill with no idea when I'm going to get off. I'm dogged by this sadness I have at being trapped in my life, and I will either fall to pieces or find the way out. Honestly, I don't care which.