I'm not Sampson
I just packed up the last box of my stuff, I'm sitting on top of it right now, as it happens. I'm tired of feeling like I'm obliged to carry the hearts of everyone I come into contact with. I'm an apprentice potions maker, not a head doctor. I'm moving out of Newcastle, I need to get away from everything up here, including my family. It's hard though really to envision a concept of distance in a society where even traversing the entire globe can take a very short time indeed. But, whatever it is I do want, I do know that I don't want to live across the street from her anymore.
The other day it just hit me, how everything's been buried. I'd learned to deal with pain so great there was this gap in my ability to feel, damming up everything inside. I'm not over it yet, there's a lot of things I'm not over, but I can't easily deal with it all when I'm all-but under duress, hidden behind the demands of a dutiful eldest child. However much I care, their ultimate happiness, is their responsibility. Maybe I played into the role too much, but now I have to get out. It isn't my job to always be the first person to clear their head after any kind of disaster, and take charge and look after everyone and make sure they don't go off half-baked and do something stupid. I'm not the parent, I'm not even a parent yet.
Let them learn how to deal with the world again, I had to in three seconds, now it's my turn to grieve.
So many things in our lives are done the wrong way 'round. I know this is going to come as a shock to you guys, but I needed to tell someone. I'm not the rock of Gibraltar, I've got feet of clay, like anyone else, and I need someone to look out for and shelter me for once. Someone I don't have to be so careful and guarded with, someone to whom I can give an honest answer to the question "how are you feeling?" without fear of starting an argument.
I don't know where I'm going to live just yet. most of my things are going into storage. But, Calculus gave me a few weeks off, and I've managed to save up enough money to give myself a few weeks to find a place. It was supposed to be for Christmas, but it's going to be a gift to me instead. well now that my catharsis draws to a close its time for me to head to a hotel someplace far away from here. I'll make another entry for you when I get where I'm going.
~Anthony
The other day it just hit me, how everything's been buried. I'd learned to deal with pain so great there was this gap in my ability to feel, damming up everything inside. I'm not over it yet, there's a lot of things I'm not over, but I can't easily deal with it all when I'm all-but under duress, hidden behind the demands of a dutiful eldest child. However much I care, their ultimate happiness, is their responsibility. Maybe I played into the role too much, but now I have to get out. It isn't my job to always be the first person to clear their head after any kind of disaster, and take charge and look after everyone and make sure they don't go off half-baked and do something stupid. I'm not the parent, I'm not even a parent yet.
Let them learn how to deal with the world again, I had to in three seconds, now it's my turn to grieve.
So many things in our lives are done the wrong way 'round. I know this is going to come as a shock to you guys, but I needed to tell someone. I'm not the rock of Gibraltar, I've got feet of clay, like anyone else, and I need someone to look out for and shelter me for once. Someone I don't have to be so careful and guarded with, someone to whom I can give an honest answer to the question "how are you feeling?" without fear of starting an argument.
I don't know where I'm going to live just yet. most of my things are going into storage. But, Calculus gave me a few weeks off, and I've managed to save up enough money to give myself a few weeks to find a place. It was supposed to be for Christmas, but it's going to be a gift to me instead. well now that my catharsis draws to a close its time for me to head to a hotel someplace far away from here. I'll make another entry for you when I get where I'm going.
~Anthony