Dead Robin
I'm never eating at Red Robin again, and I've got a three page long rant to prove it.
I used to LOVE Red Robin. I used to eat there probably about once a week, with a large group of friends, with a small group of friends, maybe a few strangers, I used to even take dates there, and believe me nothing says “Romantic Saturday night” like an intensely lit noisy eatery littered with crazy flashing spinning crap on the walls, kids on their way to or from Homecoming, and overweight white trash families. I didn’t even mind the “not quite sure what you’re getting” menu due to their gross overuse of the word “Robin.”
Example: “Try our bodaciously loaded Robin Burger with our Robin fries OR DEEE-licious Robin rings, and don’t forget to take a Robin in our Robin room before the long drive home.”
Despite all this, they had one thing that really set them apart from every Applebee’s, TGI Friday’s and Salvation Army soup kitchen I’d previously been to. And that(those) thing(s) is(was) are(were) CHEESESTICKS! In fact the more I think about it, I didn’t even HAVE cheesesticks until I had them at Red Robin, and they were amazing! Hot and super greasy, thin little golden brown deep-fried goodness sprinkled with these little green things which I’m not sure if they added any flavor or not, but thank God they were there.
Red Robin also had Pepsi products, which can make or break a restaurant for me. I mean if you’re a Coke drinker and the server asks, “Is Pepsi ok?” 99 times out of 100 you say yes, but if you’re a Mt. Dew drinker and they say “Sprite OK?” It’s like going to get your tires rotated and being smacked in the face with an oar.
Here are some more RED ROBIN fun facts to celebrate times that are now past…then I’ll tell you why they’re past…
• There was a streak where our looks got Mason and I free Mt. Dews THREE consecutive times.
• I was once eating in Red Robin with an ex-girlfriend, whom I was still being kind of flirty with, the overly friendly waiter came over interrupted us and said in a mockingly mushy tone “Awww are you guys in love?” To which I promptly replied “Not Anymore.” It was awkwardly fantastic.
• No matter what day of the week or what TIME of day you go to Red Robin it’s always at least 15 people’s birthdays and you are guaranteed to hear: “Happy Happy Birthday, this is your special day, Happy Happy Birthday, we all wanted to say (HEY) Happy Happy Birthday may all your dreams come true, Happy Happy Birthday from Red Robin to you!” Sometimes you hear it as a round. You can tell what I just wrote was true by the fact that I can type out the song verbatim.
• I was on a first date with a girl and the hostess girl said “Two?” then she said, “Wait a second…are you MaTT Cassatta?” Nothing like feeling like a big shot at the Robin.
• When you have to wait for a table instead of taking your name they give you a card with a celebrity on it. The card has a picture and a short bio of the celeb so you can be mildly entertained while you wait for your table, and then you get to experience the thrill of hearing the hostess shout out "Samuel L. Jackson" or "Rosanne Barr" instead of your crappy non-famous name. I one time got "Michael J. Fox." That card is still magneted to my fridge today.
Now for the Ugly…
January 15th 2005: The first kink in the armor came when Jeff and I were driving home from my brother Paul’s house having just recorded Bass lines for the Edison Price:Homeless Vampire Hunter theme song. (PREMIERING AT THE NOVI EMAGINE OCT. 29th!!! btw) I had promised my musician friend a meal in exchange for his help, as we drove down Warren road we had Red Robin on our left and Max and Erma’s (home of the cheese skewer, chocolate chip cookies AND Mt. Dew) on our right. Usually Max and Erma’s would ALWAYS win, but I guess we were in the mood for the infamous neigh LEGENDARY Red Robin cheesesticks so somehow, (possibly some weird voodoo) we chose Red Robin. We got all up in Red Robin, sat down, ordered our Dews and said “We’ll take some cheesesticks to start.” The waitress obliged and when the cheesesticks came we were ASTONISHED to see they were large bulky rectangular cube shaped sticks similar to what you would get at Arby’s. Here’s the thing though, they’re great at Arby’s, because that’s what you expect from a fast food restaurant, but when you go to a place SPECIFCIALLY to get your favorite cheesestick and get THIS, why, it’s like going to get your tires rotated and being smacked in the face with an oar. I asked the waitress what the deal was, to see if they were just out, or maybe ONLY this Red Robin had made the change, she informed me this was a national change passed down from corporate, and I informed her I was never eating there again.
And I didn’t.
Until…
Wednesday October 12 2005: Aaron, Joel and I were hanging out printing flyers out for the premiere of Edison Price:Homeless Vampire Hunter (OCTOBER 29th NOVI EMAGINE), and the job was going to take a little over an hour and we were hungry, and the restaurant closest to us was…you guessed it…Red Robin. I said “NO WAY guys, I’ve got a boycott (I actually used the word “jihad”) on that place.” But they both cited recent experiences either that they experienced personally or heard about through a friend that were positive. So I gave in, we were seated by a cute hostess to a table serviced by an ugly Slothesque waitress which Aaron dubbed a definite “downgrade,” he dubbed it double downgrade after pointing out the waitress two tables over. So Sloth comes over and takes our drink orders, Aaron goes first:
Aaron: “I’ll take a Mt. Dew please.”
Sloth: “A what?”
Aaron: “Mt. Dew please?”
Sloth: “Oh we don’t have Pepsi products anymore.”
I was sitting across from Aaron, and I’m a man who’s no stranger to heartbreak, I’ve seen it, experienced it, heard about it from old people, but I’ve NEVER seen a man more broken than Aaron did at that moment and I can only imagine I looked the same, Joel was drinking water and seemed relatively unaffected.
Aaron asserted that we should just ask her about the cheesesticks before this thing went any further. I did, and Sloth confirmed our fears, she could see the bind we were in and said “I’ll give you guys a minute.” The consensus was reached quickly. We had to leave, no matter how dumb we would look walking out of a Red Robin, but Aaron pointed out “It’s not like we made reservations.” So we sucked it up, waved goodbye to Sloth and walked out 3 minutes after walking in past the cute hostess, the other waitress, and the Galaga machine which I can only assume was probably broken or breathed fire, and into the parking lot we were. We were free, my boycott was intact and reinforced ten-fold. I’ll never eat at a Red Robin again...and neither should you.
May 1998: A sixteen year old MaTT Cassatta says, “Dude I hear this place has “bottomless fries.” We’re gonna eat there ALL THE TIME!”
______________________________________________
"I fought the war but the war won."
I used to LOVE Red Robin. I used to eat there probably about once a week, with a large group of friends, with a small group of friends, maybe a few strangers, I used to even take dates there, and believe me nothing says “Romantic Saturday night” like an intensely lit noisy eatery littered with crazy flashing spinning crap on the walls, kids on their way to or from Homecoming, and overweight white trash families. I didn’t even mind the “not quite sure what you’re getting” menu due to their gross overuse of the word “Robin.”
Example: “Try our bodaciously loaded Robin Burger with our Robin fries OR DEEE-licious Robin rings, and don’t forget to take a Robin in our Robin room before the long drive home.”
Despite all this, they had one thing that really set them apart from every Applebee’s, TGI Friday’s and Salvation Army soup kitchen I’d previously been to. And that(those) thing(s) is(was) are(were) CHEESESTICKS! In fact the more I think about it, I didn’t even HAVE cheesesticks until I had them at Red Robin, and they were amazing! Hot and super greasy, thin little golden brown deep-fried goodness sprinkled with these little green things which I’m not sure if they added any flavor or not, but thank God they were there.
Red Robin also had Pepsi products, which can make or break a restaurant for me. I mean if you’re a Coke drinker and the server asks, “Is Pepsi ok?” 99 times out of 100 you say yes, but if you’re a Mt. Dew drinker and they say “Sprite OK?” It’s like going to get your tires rotated and being smacked in the face with an oar.
Here are some more RED ROBIN fun facts to celebrate times that are now past…then I’ll tell you why they’re past…
• There was a streak where our looks got Mason and I free Mt. Dews THREE consecutive times.
• I was once eating in Red Robin with an ex-girlfriend, whom I was still being kind of flirty with, the overly friendly waiter came over interrupted us and said in a mockingly mushy tone “Awww are you guys in love?” To which I promptly replied “Not Anymore.” It was awkwardly fantastic.
• No matter what day of the week or what TIME of day you go to Red Robin it’s always at least 15 people’s birthdays and you are guaranteed to hear: “Happy Happy Birthday, this is your special day, Happy Happy Birthday, we all wanted to say (HEY) Happy Happy Birthday may all your dreams come true, Happy Happy Birthday from Red Robin to you!” Sometimes you hear it as a round. You can tell what I just wrote was true by the fact that I can type out the song verbatim.
• I was on a first date with a girl and the hostess girl said “Two?” then she said, “Wait a second…are you MaTT Cassatta?” Nothing like feeling like a big shot at the Robin.
• When you have to wait for a table instead of taking your name they give you a card with a celebrity on it. The card has a picture and a short bio of the celeb so you can be mildly entertained while you wait for your table, and then you get to experience the thrill of hearing the hostess shout out "Samuel L. Jackson" or "Rosanne Barr" instead of your crappy non-famous name. I one time got "Michael J. Fox." That card is still magneted to my fridge today.
Now for the Ugly…
January 15th 2005: The first kink in the armor came when Jeff and I were driving home from my brother Paul’s house having just recorded Bass lines for the Edison Price:Homeless Vampire Hunter theme song. (PREMIERING AT THE NOVI EMAGINE OCT. 29th!!! btw) I had promised my musician friend a meal in exchange for his help, as we drove down Warren road we had Red Robin on our left and Max and Erma’s (home of the cheese skewer, chocolate chip cookies AND Mt. Dew) on our right. Usually Max and Erma’s would ALWAYS win, but I guess we were in the mood for the infamous neigh LEGENDARY Red Robin cheesesticks so somehow, (possibly some weird voodoo) we chose Red Robin. We got all up in Red Robin, sat down, ordered our Dews and said “We’ll take some cheesesticks to start.” The waitress obliged and when the cheesesticks came we were ASTONISHED to see they were large bulky rectangular cube shaped sticks similar to what you would get at Arby’s. Here’s the thing though, they’re great at Arby’s, because that’s what you expect from a fast food restaurant, but when you go to a place SPECIFCIALLY to get your favorite cheesestick and get THIS, why, it’s like going to get your tires rotated and being smacked in the face with an oar. I asked the waitress what the deal was, to see if they were just out, or maybe ONLY this Red Robin had made the change, she informed me this was a national change passed down from corporate, and I informed her I was never eating there again.
And I didn’t.
Until…
Wednesday October 12 2005: Aaron, Joel and I were hanging out printing flyers out for the premiere of Edison Price:Homeless Vampire Hunter (OCTOBER 29th NOVI EMAGINE), and the job was going to take a little over an hour and we were hungry, and the restaurant closest to us was…you guessed it…Red Robin. I said “NO WAY guys, I’ve got a boycott (I actually used the word “jihad”) on that place.” But they both cited recent experiences either that they experienced personally or heard about through a friend that were positive. So I gave in, we were seated by a cute hostess to a table serviced by an ugly Slothesque waitress which Aaron dubbed a definite “downgrade,” he dubbed it double downgrade after pointing out the waitress two tables over. So Sloth comes over and takes our drink orders, Aaron goes first:
Aaron: “I’ll take a Mt. Dew please.”
Sloth: “A what?”
Aaron: “Mt. Dew please?”
Sloth: “Oh we don’t have Pepsi products anymore.”
I was sitting across from Aaron, and I’m a man who’s no stranger to heartbreak, I’ve seen it, experienced it, heard about it from old people, but I’ve NEVER seen a man more broken than Aaron did at that moment and I can only imagine I looked the same, Joel was drinking water and seemed relatively unaffected.
Aaron asserted that we should just ask her about the cheesesticks before this thing went any further. I did, and Sloth confirmed our fears, she could see the bind we were in and said “I’ll give you guys a minute.” The consensus was reached quickly. We had to leave, no matter how dumb we would look walking out of a Red Robin, but Aaron pointed out “It’s not like we made reservations.” So we sucked it up, waved goodbye to Sloth and walked out 3 minutes after walking in past the cute hostess, the other waitress, and the Galaga machine which I can only assume was probably broken or breathed fire, and into the parking lot we were. We were free, my boycott was intact and reinforced ten-fold. I’ll never eat at a Red Robin again...and neither should you.
May 1998: A sixteen year old MaTT Cassatta says, “Dude I hear this place has “bottomless fries.” We’re gonna eat there ALL THE TIME!”
______________________________________________
"I fought the war but the war won."