Happy New Year~!
It's about 12:45 AM, January 1st, 45 minutes into the New Year, the rest of my family is already asleep, and I wanted to take a little time to talk about 2009.
It really has been. I really don't know how else to put it. I felt a strong surge of hope at the beginning of 2009, feeling that my life is going to change, since I actually had a plan for my future. I breezed through the first half of 2009 with good grades, happy moments, which included summer that I never thought would be possible. I did a quick tour of Japan from the Kanto(Tokyo) region to the Kansai(Osaka) region, came back to Tokyo to stay a couple more days to experience a fangirl's dream to attend both days of Tohoshinki's 4th Live Tour in Tokyo Dome, came back to the United States for 1.5 months which included a trip to Washington DC to drop off my brother to his university, and then went back to the Chugoku region (Fukuyama, Hiroshima) to experience a home stay with such an amazing family and met some really great people along the way.
With that said, coming back to the United States 3 days before school started was definitely painful. LOL. My jet lag stayed with me for about a month. I stayed up until 4-5 AM, take a "nap" to get to a morning discussion once a week, and then completely zone out for my afternoon lectures. Looking back at what I wrote, I guess I could have been considered lucky for what I experienced, but of course, life has to throw in challenges along the way.
One of my challenges was to compose myself of my grandmother's passing while I was in another country, away from family. To find out that a person you love has died and no one to really comfort you other than through a phone, which was about a 10 minute phone call from my mom telling me she was heading to the Philippines in 8 hours....I really couldn't comprehend the situation. It didn't help that I just fell asleep, and in about the same 8 hours, I was heading to Tokyo Disneyland. To be honest, even now, I still feel like I haven't grieved for my grandmother. I didn't cry when I found out, I was just in a daze, and just thinking about it now is making me cry. I was prepared, I guess, of her passing away, but I just never realized it would be at a time where I would be alone. She fought a hard battle with her sickness, but she lived a good life. She worked hard throughout her life, and she experienced so much. I think I will always remember her when she would leave for the Philippines, she would always tell me not to wear such thick slippers, so when my mom hits my legs with them, it wouldn't hurt as much. haha. So Lolz, I know you are at a better place. Please watch over us. I will try to make you proud. :)
"I'm tired."
A phrase which I've used quite often this past year. I've been physically and mentally been worn out quite a few times, and so much has been in the last half of the year. In the beginning, I used this phrase for some shallow reasons, and thinking about it now, it was quite selfish of me to have said it. Now though, from November 2009 until now, I've used that phrase almost every single day. Can it be for selfish reasons as well? Maybe, but it is really hard to fake that everything is okay, when it isn't. Watching my brother crumble from his pedestal of self confidence was really hard to take. I guess you could say that I lived vicariously through my brother. He succeeded in setting forth a dream that I've always wanted to have, and just to see him lose faith in himself and his abilities just hurts so badly. During the midst of finals, pushing aside what is going with my brother, then to come home and find out he was sent to a hospital, and then finally seeing him so broken.....OMG, how I didn't cry, I have no idea, especially when I'm bawling now. It doesn't help that I feel like I am being relied on a lot to help my brother get out of his depression. PRESSURE. :(
"Stay strong." "Have hope." I can't believe I'm going to write this, but, "Always keep the faith."
3 phrases that I've come to chant throughout this year. Not crying may come across as a cold-hearted bitch, but I felt I had to hold it in, that I can't show that I'm weak, that I have no hope, no faith. Because I do. I do have hope that whatever my family is experiencing at the moment will pass. I have faith that God will help my family through this. God has given me many blessings in life, and sometimes, I have to learn hardships that will make me a better person. I must stay positive and keep the faith in God.
2009......you were quite a year. There are times where I want to find a time machine to go back and relive a happy moment, and there are times where I want to find a time machine to fast forward a challenge.
I also attempted to do something with my future in 2009, but what will happen, I must wait.
I hope 2010 may bring everyone stability, contentment, and happiness throughout the whole year.
2009, rolling out....
Hello, 2010.