Hold Steady (Leo/Hongbin, R)
Title: Hold Steady
Pairing: Leo/Hongbin
Rating: R
Words: ~3200
Warnings: none
Summary: Hongbin doesn't know who to be and Taekwoon can't be anyone but himself.
"You're good-looking enough, but you can't really sing, can you?"
---
Hongbin is kind of a follower. He knows this about himself, and he knows even more acutely that it's how the rest of his members see him. Whenever Sanghyuk needs a helping hand for a prank or Hakyeon needs a pack mule, they turn to trusty Hongbin, the biddable visual who's always up for anything. Who wouldn't even be here if he hadn't seen Jaehwan in a singing contest and followed his lead, picking along in Park Hyo Shin's footsteps.
He had hoped, when he'd survived eliminations and been promised a debut, that it would be a chance to start fresh, reinvent himself with a take-charge idol personality under a cool new name. Then they'd told him he'd still be "Hongbin, just Hongbin" and it had been like the worm in the apple, mostly still good but with a core of wriggling self-doubt. He wasn't sure how "just Hongbin" would measure up against the scrutiny he'd have to endure as an idol. He still isn't.
Because "just Hongbin" doesn't know how to be an idol. All the others have instructions right there in their stage names and the stories behind them: romantic N, fierce Leo, playful Ken, charming Ravi. Even Sanghyuk gets his name shortened, cute as befits a maknae. Hongbin gets...himself. Kongbean. Unassuming and easily overlooked, "handsome enough" but not exactly talented.
So he helps with Hyuk's pranks, laughs when N insults Ken and laughs harder when Ken insults N right back, goes along with whatever because without directions he's terrified that anything he instigates himself will be the wrong thing. He's willing to pay the cost of likability.
---
It becomes a point of pride, almost, to see how much he can take. His favorite game is being Ravi's artwork - how long can he stand silent and motionless, waiting for a chance to be heard while everyone else, even Leo who would always let his own chance slip away if given the choice, gets their say? A long time, it turns out. He gets very good at not having an opinion.
Then Leo interferes. It's unexpected, the first time, the sharp finger digging into his side as if to test his resolve, but he holds out and soon enough Leo gets called over to the mic, all unwilling, and has to leave him alone.
(Hongbin, of course, doesn't get called to the mic at all.)
The second time, he doesn't fare as well. Leo manages to catch him right at the most ticklish spot on his ribs, making Hongbin giggle and squirm to get away. “Kongie?” N asks, interrupting whatever he'd been blabbering on about as MC. “Did you have something to say?”
That sobers Hongbin up immediately, and he returns to his artwork pose. “No, hyung.” He glares when he spots Leo's finger hovering closer; Leo shrugs and retracts it, completely unapologetic.
He doesn't stop trying, though, slinking around to Hongbin's side every time Ravi sets him up like a mannequin and poking, poking, poking. Eventually he gets Hongbin to move, catching N's attention again, and by now Hongbin's so frustrated with having to be artwork, with Leo making it so difficult to be artwork, that this time when N repeats his invitation to speak, he does. It's only a few sentences about ice skating or whatever bizarre topic they're on at the moment, but the other members smile and laugh and Ravi slings an arm around his shoulders. Leo smirks at him, triumphant, and Hongbin wonders if that was what he'd been aiming for all along.
---
"Why don't you do anything?" Leo sits down on the couch next to him, and Hongbin has no idea what he's talking about. He says as much.
"You don't like being artwork. Why don't you do anything?"
Now Hongbin gets it, and he makes a note to himself to play the game better, if he's been so obvious that Leo could figure him out. For now, he just responds, "I don't know what you mean, hyung." Maybe Leo will figure out the I don't want to talk about it, too.
The way Leo just looks at him makes him feel like a particularly wayward child. "What," he snaps peevishly.
"You don't like being artwork," Leo repeats, slowly like Hongbin is a child. His eyes haven't moved from Hongbin's face, the unwavering attention making Hongbin uneasy when he's so used to going unnoticed.
"Fine, you're right, I don't. So what?"
"So do something." And Hongbin cracks. Is Leo's opinion of him so low that he thinks he wouldn't do something if he could?
"I don't know what to do." Frustration seeps into his tone. "I don't know who I'm supposed to be in this group, hyung, how can I know what to do?"
"Be you," Leo says.
"I don't want to be me." There's the heart of it, really. He'd been hoping for a new name because he's tired of living under his. Of living as himself. "And I definitely can't be myself on camera like you can."
"I can't be anyone else," Leo says. "I'm only Leo when I sing." Hongbin can't help but chuckle bitterly, because Leo is always Leo, even, apparently, when he doesn't mean to be.
"At least you can sometimes," he replies. "I have to be Hongbin all the time. Just Hongbin."
"Not 'just Hongbin'."
‘Not just Hongbin’ doesn't understand what he means. “Hyung?”
“You're important, too,” Leo says, still looking at him.
Hongbin flushes and stands up. “I know that,” he mumbles over his shoulder as he heads toward the bedroom, definitely not running away. But he doesn't believe himself on either count, and he's pretty sure Leo doesn't, either.
---
He's not sure when Leo becomes "Taekwoon" in his thoughts. It's some time between the dozenth episode of Leo forcing Hongbin into the spotlight with tickles, and the first time Taekwoon gets dragged to the mic and all he says is, “Ask Hongbin.” It might be when Taekwoon quietly adds curry powder the next time he makes instant ramyun after Hongbin mentions curry is one of his favorite foods during a radio interview. Jaehwan and Sanghyuk complain, pinching their noses at the smell (though still shoveling it down), but Hongbin cleans his bowl spotless and smiles gratefully when Taekwoon takes it to give him seconds.
Or it might be when Hongbin almost cries because he can't find his autographed Park Hyo Shin CD, whispering to our Hongbinnie over and over to himself as he frantically searches every corner of the dorm. Taekwoon brings him the album and Jaehwan, gripping the singer by the ear and making him bow in apology.
Or when Hakyeon raises his phone to take a picture and Taekwoon almost in the same breath raises his hands to cover his face. When Hongbin lifts his camera, though, Taekwoon lowers them again. He gives the lens the same look he always does, as if he's just waiting for it to telescope out and bite him, but he doesn't hide.
So he's not sure when he starts thinking of Leo as Taekwoon, but he first notices it around the sixth or eighth time he thinks about wanting to kiss the smug little grin Taekwoon gives every time he gets Hongbin to participate right off his face.
He's not sure when he started thinking of wanting to kiss Taekwoon, either.
---
Taekwoon doesn't stop pushing Hongbin into talking on-camera, and mostly he's grateful, but sometimes it's too much. There's one particularly bad instance when, as soon as Hongbin answers, one of the hosts turns to the other and whispers, not even bothering to make sure the members can't hear, “That's gotta be edited out.” Hongbin doesn't say a single word after that, and thankfully Taekwoon lays off for the rest of the interview.
Hongbin rushes for the bedroom the minute they step into the dorm, but Taekwoon catches his wrist, holding him back by the entrance while the other members settle down in the living room.
“What, hyung,” Hongbin asks, facing away from the singer and trying to keep his voice from breaking.
“I didn't mean to,” Taekwoon answers, and it's not nearly enough.
Hongbin whirls around, no longer caring whether Taekwoon sees him cry. “Didn't mean to what, hyung? Humiliate me? Why do you always drag me into things?” He starts to pull away but Taekwoon tugs him closer, linking their fingers so he can't escape.
“I thought you wanted to,” the older idol says. He sounds...upset, and it's so foreign that Hongbin turns more bemused than distressed.
He sighs in defeat. “I do, hyung, but that doesn't mean I know how.”
Taekwoon's confusion is apparent even if he doesn't say anything, and Hongbin sighs again. “You guys all got told how to act, right? When you got your names, the stories for them. Like you're supposed to be fierce, like a lion.” The other nods, so he continues. “I didn't get that, hyung, because I didn't get a name. So how do I know how to act? Where are my instructions? Where's my story?”
Taekwoon is silent for a long moment before he turns Hongbin's hand over in his grasp, rubs his thumb across the underside of his wrist and the meat of his palm. "You have a story. A Hongbin story. You don’t need a new one."
This time his gaze doesn't make Hongbin feel like a child at all, its intensity putting him on edge in an entirely different way. He thinks of all the times he's snuck a glance at the singer only to catch the tail end of Taekwoon turning away, of how Taekwoon always seems to pay so much attention. He wonders if maybe, just maybe, he's not the only one who's started to think about the other's lips on his.
"Hyung," he says, so quietly he half-hopes Taekwoon doesn't catch it, "can I kiss you?"
Taekwoon doesn't speak, doesn't look away, but he gives a tiny incline of his head, so small that if Hongbin hadn't been equally as focused he would have missed it. He leans in first, but it’s not until later that he realizes that for once, he's taken the lead.
---
Taekwoon kisses like he speaks, soft and careful and never the first to volunteer. It takes Hongbin a long time to notice because he becomes so rapidly addicted to Taekwoon's kisses that he thinks it's only natural to steal them every chance he gets. He pulls the other singer into empty practice rooms to lick into his mouth, dark hallways at performances to bite his bottom lip, the kitchen after dinner to taste dessert on his tongue. The sounds Taekwoon makes are quiet, of course, but Hongbin's willing to trade his own breath to hear those sharp inhales and long, shaking exhales.
So it's a while before he realizes that he's never the one being dragged away from the group, behind doorframes and around corners and anywhere they can snatch a few seconds out of sight. Taekwoon never resists, sure, but Hongbin knows all too well what passivity can hide. He stops kissing Taekwoon and starts worrying instead.
---
It's been about a week since Hongbin last touched Taekwoon and he's trying to sulk unobtrusively over it in the bedroom when he feels that familiar sharp wiggling dig into his ribs. Squirming around to escape it, he turns over and comes face to face with Taekwoon, so close Hongbin goes breathless. “Hi,” he manages to squeak out.
“What's wrong,” Taekwoon says.
Hongbin's confused, because even though there is something wrong (he can't let himself lean up to move his lips against Taekwoon's neck, feeling the muscles work as he speaks), he doesn't think Taekwoon would agree that it's a problem. He settles for asking, “What do you mean, hyung?”
“You stopped.”
“I...stopped?”
Taekwoon tilts his head, eyes fastened intently somewhere in the vicinity of…Hongbin’s mouth? He reaches tentative fingers up, but pulls them back before Hongbin can even feel their warmth ghosting across his lips. They're close enough that Hongbin can see the fine shadows Taekwoon's lashes cast grow darker as his cheeks slowly pink, close enough to catch his words even though they’re barely above a whisper. “I miss you.”
And, oh, Hongbin thinks. Oh. “I…I miss you, too.”
Taekwoon kisses him for the first time, that night, pushes him back into the mattress gently at first, then harder when Hongbin moves to suck lightly down the line of his throat. He slips hands under Hongbin's shirt and grinds down hesitantly, making Hongbin break away to suppress a groan. “Hyung,” he gasps out, “the others--”
“Don't care,” Taekwoon mutters into Hongbin's collarbones, and he’s inclined to agree as Taekwoon's fingers wander up his sides, tracing the sensitive curvature of his ribs in a way nothing like the tickling he's used to.
Taekwoon lets Hongbin pull his shirt off but he undresses Hongbin in return, rolls them over and tugs Hongbin down against him for the press of skin on skin. Hongbin knows immediately that he's going to get addicted to the noises Taekwoon makes here, too.
---
Things are good for a long time, Hongbin sneaking Taekwoon away whenever he can and Taekwoon giving as good as he gets. Hongbin learns that Taekwoon is ticklish down the insides of his thighs, learns that sometimes he's in the mood to be rough but he likes slow and gentle best, learns his face and his choked-off gasps when he comes.
Then the tackle at MBC happens, and everything falls apart.
Hongbin's not there to see Taekwoon go down but he's there with him in the bleachers afterward, Taekwoon refusing to leave even as pain pulls his features tight. He's there when the doctor tells Taekwoon he needs to sit out their goodbye stages and he asks for a bigger cast, better painkillers, anything that will let him perform, in a voice that would be begging if Taekwoon ever begged. He's there when the firm answer is no.
Taekwoon won't let Hongbin touch him on the way out of the hospital or the drive back to their building, lurches out of the car and limps, still awkward on his crutches, straight to the elevator. They ride up in utter silence. When Hongbin holds the door to their dorm open Taekwoon grants him a short nod, but immediately heads for the bedroom and closes the door with finality.
---
Hongbin hopes the worst is over when they let Taekwoon sing sitting in a chair to the side of the stage. He realizes they're far from it, though, after they get off stage and his pallor is evident even out of the blinding white spotlight. “You can't go on tomorrow,” their manager scolds authoritatively. “We'll just have Ken take your lines.” Too exhausted and in pain to protest, Taekwoon nods his defeated acquiescence.
Ken does extremely well, though they'd expected as much - even if he's not Leo, his talent is undeniable. They review the performance video together in the living room, pausing to note where they can make up for the missing spot in their choreography in the future. Taekwoon is mostly silent and withdrawn, but he does offer Jaehwan a quiet “good job” that makes the other singer grin from ear to ear.
Later, when Hongbin goes to call Taekwoon to dinner, he finds him still sitting on the couch with the day's performance pulled up on the iPad. For a few minutes he watches Taekwoon watch the video, watches him restart it again and again, skipping to Ken's first verse, his high note, his long note with meticulous focus.
"He was good," Hongbin says, noticing the way Taekwoon's shoulders draw in on themselves before he continues, "but he wasn't you, hyung." Taekwoon doesn't reply, but he does let Hongbin pull him up, leans on Hongbin more than his crutch as they pick their way toward the kitchen. Hongbin dares to lay a kiss on his cheek, and tries not to be hurt when Taekwoon immediately stiffens and disengages, hobbling to the table by himself.
(Later, though, while Hongbin is lying in bed idly checking Twitter on the iPad, there's a press of lips to the back of his head. By the time he turns around Taekwoon is a motionless lump on his own mattress with the covers pulled over his head, but that doesn't stop Hongbin's goofy smile.)
---
Eventually things do get better. Taekwoon heals slowly but steadily, trading his crutches for a sturdy boot that allows him to stand on stage with them again, and after their first reunited performance he yanks Hongbin into the nearest dressing room and kisses him until his knees go weak and he has to sit down for fear of leaning too hard on Taekwoon's bad side.
The only hitch comes when Dream Team airs, with Wonsik where Taekwoon should be. They watch it all together, again, and Taekwoon stays for the whole thing but slips away soon afterward. Hongbin finds him in the bedroom, good leg drawn up to his chest, just staring at his cast propped out in front of him. “Hyung,” he says, and Taekwoon lifts his head but doesn't turn around.
“I made so much trouble for everyone.” His shoulders move, just the finest of tremors, but Hongbin instantly rushes over to envelop him in a hug, trying to pour all of his sympathy into his arms around Taekwoon's chest.
“No one minds, hyung, don't worry about it. We all just want you to get better.” Taekwoon shakes his head so Hongbin shakes him, too, though gently. “Hyung. I promise.”
Finally the singer relaxes, hands unclenching from the sheets, and he allows Hongbin to lay him back on the mattress. “Hyung,” he says, hovering over Taekwoon. “You're not broken.” When Taekwoon's eyes flick to the boot on his right leg, Hongbin shakes his head firmly. “Nope. Not any part of you.”
He starts at the crown of Taekwoon's head, the jungsuri they've all become so familiar with, and kisses over his forehead, across his cheeks, presses gentle lips to each of his closed eyelids. He pauses at his lips but doesn't stop there, just giving a few light pecks before continuing down his throat, pulling his tank top up to get at his chest. As he kisses a line towards Taekwoon's navel he tugs his loose sweatpants and boxers off, leaving him laid out on the bed with only his shirt rucked up under his armpits. When he gets to his hips he slides sideways to work his way down Taekwoon's right thigh, holding him still as he wriggles with ticklishness. He kisses directly in the middle of the cast, and then he kisses each of Taekwoon's toes peeking out from the end of the boot.
By now Taekwoon is flushed and quietly panting, cock hard against his stomach, and Hongbin's own arousal is making his pants uncomfortably tight. Quickly shucking his clothes, he fishes under the bed for the lube, then moves back over Taekwoon for more of those addicting kisses as Taekwoon slicks his fingers and rubs his hands together to warm them.
When he sinks down on Taekwoon it's slow and sweet, just like Taekwoon likes it, and Hongbin thinks he may have finally found his story in the breathy syllables of his name on Taekwoon's lips.
----------------
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