Together 4/8
Chapter 4 - Revealing
As he stood in the shower, bracing his good arm against the tiled wall, Tony angled his injured one out of the direct stream of water... even wrapped, the bandage was hardly waterproof.
Letting the hot water beat down on his shoulders and back, Tony felt some of his tension begin to drain away.
His arm hurt but the pain was manageable.
He'd had worse injuries... a lot worse.
That wasn't what was troubling him. While his head knew he shouldn't feel guilty for merely doing his job, his heart was having a hard time with the parallels.
DiNozzo felt an automatic empathy for the ten year old boy deprived of his mother just before Christmas, the way he'd been all those years ago... even though he'd lost his mother to illness rather than suddenly to a bullet.
Rationally, Tony knew that he'd hardly welcome the alternative... that they'd now be mourning the death of a team member.
So he wasn't sure why this whole incident was affecting him so much.
Was it just because it was Christmas?
Or was it because of the young boy?
Nor was Tony sure he'd made a wise choice coming here to Gibbs' house when he felt this vulnerable... when it was difficult to conceal his feelings from both of them... to hide his feelings about both of them.
DiNozzo was expecting them both to try and persuade him to talk, and it was the last thing he wanted. Although, in some ways, he doubted that Gibbs needed him to say a word. Those blue eyes could usually see straight through him anyway and know exactly how he was feeling.
Hell, Gibbs had been there enough times himself.
But Tony's gut was also telling him that this time he did need them.
He needed them both.
He'd relied on them as boss and colleague... as friends for years. He couldn't pinpoint the exact time when his feelings for both of them had morphed into something much more... it had just happened.
Abby... whose beauty he had reacted to from the day he'd met her, like any man with a pulse. They'd butted heads at first but she seemed to see right through the default mask he wore at the time, his frat boy persona, to the real him... and at first, it had disconcerted the hell out of him. But gradually she'd become his best friend, someone who he could be himself with.
She'd been there for him right through the aftermath of Jeanne and then Jenny's death. And even now he was convinced it was only her regular contact with him while he was agent afloat, her refusal to let him withdraw into his shell, that had kept him sane.
Somewhere along the way that friendship had turned into love... at least on his part. He knew Abby loved him as a friend but couldn't bring himself to believe it was anything more.
And Gibbs?
How the hell could he not have fallen for Gibbs?
The man was a magnet.
One of the most compelling, demanding, caring, infuriating, charistmatic, exasperating and complex men he'd ever known and so darn hot, he made his toes curl.
So over ten years, those two had come to mean everything to Tony. It was just his luck that the two people he wanted... loved... more than anything loved each other.
And now, in the aftermath of today's events, if he allowed himself to be honest... if he indulged himself in a regular fantasy, Tony knew what he needed... what he wanted.
Given a chance, he wanted nothing more than to fold his arms round Abby and give in to the gentle comfort she was so adept at providing, and then have Gibbs wrap his arms round both of them, so he could lean on the guy's solid strength... and stay like that all night and beyond.
Knowing neither was likely to happen only emphasized his feelings of loneliness.
Joining Abby in the kitchen, Gibbs watched as she moved around with an easy grace, navigating the space with long familiarity born of many evenings spent sharing meals together.
Helping her prepare dinner, Gibbs was conscious how much quieter Abby was than normal and suspected that she was still processing the day's events.
Unusually, he was the one to eventually break the silence. "You okay, Abbs?"
"Workin' on it," she threw him a soft smile. "You all scared the crap out of me today... as usual. We nearly lost Tony. Nearly lost you all... again."
"Yeah, I know."
Gibbs suspected the image of Tony dropping to the ground would haunt him for a few nights yet. Usually by now, he'd have been in his basement losing himself in the wood or bourbon in an attempt to settle his mind.
"I know it's part of the job, you don't have to tell me that. But it doesn't make it any easier when I watch you all go out that door, not knowing if you're all gonna come back." Abby bit her lip, trying not to let tears well up.
"Goes with the territory, Abbs," he reminded her, keeping his voice even, seeing the distress glittering in her green eyes.
"I should be used to it by now after all these years, I know I should but I just can't. It seems to get harder, y'know, and I don't know why today should have been worse... but it was," she found herself trailing off almost lamely.
It was especially difficult when it came to Gibbs and Tony.
She loved the rest of the team but she was in love with Gibbs and Tony, even if neither man knew it or returned those feelings.
Sure, they loved her and cared for her as a friend but Abby didn't dare hope they wanted anything more with her, especially as she was fairly sure how the two men felt about each other.
She and Tony were close... very close friends and had indulged in harmless flirting for years, as he did with most women but it was Gibbs he looked at with longing. And the flirting and banter that formed part of her relationship with Gibbs had never strayed over the line, however much Abby might want it to.
"I doubt it's ever gonna get easier, Abbs." Gibbs put his arm round her shoulders and tucked her into his side.
"Tony's gonna blame himself, isn't he, no matter what we say?" She sighed and leaned her head on his shoulder, drawing comfort as always from his solid strength and warmth.
"Probably." He pressed a kiss to her hair, letting her familiar perfume wash over him.
"Like you would... like you do." She glanced up to see him incline his head in acknowledgement but he didn't answer her comment directly.
"He's gotta work through it in his own way."
Abby sighed as she nodded, "Yeah, I realize that, Gibbs. I just wish we could help."
"It'll help he's not alone."
"All I wanna do is help him... wanna take care of him." Abby rested more firmly against him, basking in the contact while she could. "Tony still finds it so hard to let us in and do that, even after all these years."
Abby knew she could just as easily be talking about Gibbs.
The two men were very alike in so many ways.
Gibbs shrugged, "He's so used to hiding what he really feels, it's become second nature I guess."
That's why Tony was so good undercover.
He had so many masks he could pull on, but that also meant it sometimes took a long time for the real Tony to emerge. It had taken Gibbs a while to be able to read him when Tony first joined the team, but now he could usually see through the various smokescreens his senior field agent threw up without too much difficulty.
"Yeah, but I wish he wouldn't hide from us, from his friends." Abby shook her head, sounding exasperated. She huffed out a breath before changing the subject, "But it was a good idea though... coming here."
"Glad you're here, Abbs... both of ya." The smile Gibbs gave her was unguarded, almost shy and it made her stomach flip.
"Still feels like we're intruding on you though. I know you didn't have any plans but I realize Christmas must still be hell... I get that, so don't think you've gotta spend time with us both... if you need to escape to your man-cave."
He shrugged, before admitting, "Beats getting drunk in the basement." Gibbs pressed a quick kiss to her temple before heading upstairs to his bedroom.
As he was grabbing the bedding, Tony appeared from the shower in the ensuite, dressed in sweatpants and one of Gibbs' USMC sweatshirts. His hair was damp and unruly, sticking up in all directions but he looked brighter than earlier, eyes slightly less haunted.
"Need some help, boss?"
"Yup, grab some pillows... and I'm not your boss here, Tony."
Tony glanced at him, startled but found himself relaxing into a smile as he saw the softness of the older man's expression. "Okay... Gibbs."
Tucking several pillows under his good arm, he opened the door for Gibbs, who was laden down with the comforter and an armful of bedding. As they crossed the landing, they heard Abby singing to herself in the kitchen, a slow, soulful jazz number which made the most of her husky voice.
Tony's voice was hushed as they paused as one to listen, "Man, that woman can sing... and if I'm not mistaken, our Mistress of the Dark only sings slow jazz when she's either..."
Gibbs broke in, his voice low as he listened, "Very pissed or very happy."
Tony smiled, "Yeah... then we'd better hope it's the latter."
"Let's make sure it is," said Gibbs, grinning at Tony, seeing the younger man's expression soften.
"Sounds like a plan."
When they entered the kitchen after dumping the bedding in the living room, their eyes were drawn to Abby's swaying hips as she danced round the kitchen, lost in the music on her iPod as she worked.
Abby jumped, spinning round to greet them when she realized she was no longer alone. "Hey, guys... dinner in about half an hour. It's getting late but we all need to eat."
"Anything I can do, Abbs?"
"Nope... you can cook tomorrow, Tony, get those Italian genes out. Why don't you go next for the shower, Gibbs?"
"She always this bossy?" teased Tony.
Gibbs raised an eyebrow, quirking his familiar half smile. "Oh yeah."
After he'd banked up the fire, moving carefully when his arm protested, Tony joined Abby in the kitchen while Gibbs was upstairs taking a shower.
"You're supposed to be resting," Abby told him quietly, reaching up to brush her hand through his hair, trying to tamp down the spikiness, smiling when he playfully rubbed his cheek against her hand.
Tony shrugged, leaning against the counter and folding his arms, "Too restless I guess."
"So I see," Abby paused, smiling fondly at him. "Gibbs was worried... heck, I was worried."
"No need, Abbs. I'm okay." He reached for her hand, squeezing her fingers reassuringly.
"No need?" she exclaimed, pulling her hand away, before taking a deep breath to calm herself. "You scared me, Tony... scared both of us."
"It's what we do every day, you know that. Why is this time any different?" Tony asked, curiously.
It felt different for him this time too, but Tony hadn't anticipated Abby either thinking the same thing or picking up on his feelings.
Abby turned away, bowing her head so Tony couldn't see her expression. "I don't know. All I know is it's getting harder every year to cope with it... and I can't lose you... I just can't." Her voice broke and she had to pause to calm herself before going on, almost in a whisper. "I'm just not sure I can do this any more."
She wasn't sure why this was affecting her so badly this time. Maybe Christmas was just exacerbating her feelings of loneliness.
She was just so tired of being alone...
"Hey, Abby, I'm not planning on going anywhere. I'm like a cat... lots of lives left yet." He reached out to rub her arm soothingly.
Abby chanced a quick glance at him. "I wish that were true, Tony. If anything had happened today, I'd have lost you, lost you both and you wouldn't have known..." She found she had to break off, voice husky with emotion.
After a few moments of silence, she nodded to herself as if reaching a decision and turned to face him, determination on her face. "I face it every day knowing you're both going out there and I might lose you and you'd both not know."
"Not know what, Abby?" Tony asked her, tentatively.
She drew in a shaky breath, gathering her courage in both hands. "How I feel about both of you. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Abby...?" Tony's hand brushed her cheek, not sure if he was hearing right.
"I love you both...you know that, right? I mean you know I love love you as in you're my friend love you, but what I mean is I really love you... as more than a friend... much more," she trailed off, biting her lip, trying to read his expression which at the moment looked startled.
"You do?" Tony swallowed hard.
His first instinct was to make a joke, as usual, when things got too emotional, but there was something about the look in Abby's eyes that stopped him... some instinct that told him he'd monumentally screw it up if he did.
"Yeah, I do, you nut job," Abby told him, laughing shakily, sliding her hand along his jawline. She glanced towards the stairs and lowered her voice before continuing, "And I don't think Gibbs would survive if he lost you."
Tony stared at her, this time he looked shellshocked. "What d'ya mean?"
"Oh come on, Tony. He wants you as much as you want him."
Tony shook his head, huffing a nervous laugh, also lowering his voice as he replied, "Oh no, Abbs, no, you're wrong... well, wrong about Gibbs wanting me. Oh, yeah, I want him... always have but I'm not sure he feels the same way. In fact, I know he doesn't feel the same way. It's you he wants. And I know how you feel about him."
Abby gave him a sad smile, "Oh Tony, I wish he did want me as much as I want him. Sometimes I think he might... sometimes I see something on his face, in those blue eyes which takes my breath away but... I dunno." She shrugged, breaking eye contact and turning away.
Tony reached for her hand again, heartened when she allowed the contact and he entangled their fingers. "Yeah, he does... deep down you know he does."
Abby shook her head, her shoulders hunching over, "There have been plenty of opportunities over the years for both of us to step over the line... and yet here we are, still holding back... and I'm not brave enough to take the first step in case I screw it up. No, it's not gonna happen... however much I might want it to... however much I might want you both."
She held up her hand when Tony tried to speak and went on. "But one thing I do know. I've seen the way he looks at you when you're not aware of it... You two would be great together... and I wanna see you both happy."
Tony rubbed a hand over his face, still trying to absorb what she'd said. "And I've seen the way he looks at you... and I'm not gonna get in the way of that."
Abby stared at him, amazed that he would be willing to step back from a chance at his own happiness for her sake. "Tony..."
Tony stared at her before seeming to make a decision of his own. He smiled, stepping close and putting his arms gently round her, grabbing for his courage before it deserted him. "It's the same way I look at you."
"Tony?" she repeated, whispering, searching his eyes, her heart rate increasing.
"It's true, Abbs. Want you... want you both... very much." Tony bent his head and brushed a soft kiss over her lips.
Abby rewarded him with a blinding smile. "Oh, Tony, I didn't know... want you so much." She felt him pull her into a hug, resting his head against her hair and at her words his mouth curved into a grin against her cheek as he whispered her name softly.
"Look, it's difficult now but we need to talk about this a bit more..." she went on, "when it's a bit easier." At his nod, Abby dropped her head to his shoulder, sliding her arms round his waist, an ironic laugh escaping her. "God, Tony, we're such a mess, aren't we? Both wanting what we can't have."
Neither were aware of the figure listening at the top of the stairs.
TBC...