azzurrite (3/4)
He is woken up by the buzzing of a new text the next morning. Mark blinks awake groggily, thinking it's another day like all the others, before he remembers the events of the previous night and it hits him that today is entirely different. Today, he's in love with Jaebum -- at least it's the first day he can admit it, and this simple fact changes everything.
It's like he's put on one of those 3D glasses you wear in a simulator -- everything seems to sparkle with a new dimension and definition, a fresh vividness with a clarity so sharp it almost hurts to look. Mark wants to shout it from the rooftops, to let the whole world know -- Jaebum is now his boyfriend. The word sounds so wrong, taboo when he tentatively whispers it, looking around furtively and feeling immediately guilty, for obvious reasons, but Mark doesn't know why it makes him smile so giddily his face doesn't stop aching all day. He feels like a ditzy schoolgirl with her first crush and Jaebum is the most popular and good-looking jock on campus who has finally noticed him after a lifetime.
His own transformation is frightening to Mark because Mark has never been the hearts and flowers type. It's Jinyoung who is the romanticist between the two of them, an incurable romantic who cries over Romeo and Juliet and Wuthering Heights, whose favourite movie genre is secretly sappy chick flicks and romantic comedies. Even with his ex-girlfriends, Mark had seldom been the one to take the initiative, always coasting by on his good looks and superior genetics. The girls didn't seem to mind his passivity and Mark had never felt the urge to be proactive, never felt the desire to fight for anything or anyone. Until now.
Mark has always been confident in relationships, if less so in social interaction. So far, no one who had caught his eye had ever rejected his pursuit. Things and people he wanted had mostly fallen into his lap easily, without too much effort or angst. So these feelings of uncertainty and inferiority, the gnawing feeling that Jaebum is out of his league is new to him. Mark doesn't like feeling this way, like he doesn't deserve Jaebum, like he needs Jaebum more than Jaebum needs him.
His phone vibrates again in his slack hand and he realizes he has been staring at Jaebum's message for nearly an hour, lost in thought and rumination. It's ridiculous and embarrassing because Jaebum's message is just two words: "Good morning." He probably hadn't even spent a hundredth of the time Mark had spent obsessing over it giving it a second thought, probably just idly sent it out of boredom on his way to work, already forgetting it by the next minute. Mark feels like a lovesick fool.
He resolutely closes Jaebum's message and forces it out of his mind, opening the new one. It's from Yugyeom. He says, "Bambam's house is much nicer and neater and bigger than yours, hyung! He said I can crash here from now on. I'll be by to take my stuff in the afternoon, kay. Later!"
Mark chortles at the series of emoticons at the end, which soften the tone of Yugyeom's words. He knows that Yugyeom is more considerate and sensitive than he pretends to be, and that he probably took the hint that Jaebum wouldn't like him staying at Mark's and decided not to put Mark in a difficult position. Even if he had been too dense to notice, Jinyoung would've sorted that out pronto.
That, or maybe he's just smitten with Bambam at first sight.
He drops off Yugyeom's backpack on his way downtown to buy art supplies. Bambam is at work but Yugyeom is lounging on the couch, looking right at home already. His ability to adapt to living anywhere is really amazing. Yugyeom thanks him cutely, popping his bubble gum and waving a hand generously as he tells Mark to make himself at home, almost as if he's the host and not a guest too.
Mark has never been to Bambam's house and is impressed to see that it's indeed bigger than his own as Yugyeom had claimed. He realizes that Bambam probably earns more and has a more stable salary than him, even though he's only a rookie advertising trainee working up the ranks. At least he has a much more official-sounding job than Mark.
This train of thought depresses Mark vaguely, so he stops wandering around Bambam's house and tells Yugyeom he still has to make a stop at the art supplies shop before it closes. Yugyeom waves goodbye breezily as he leaves, calling, "Visit me again when you're free, hyung!" He seems to be making a much longer stopover this time than he does normally. Maybe, just maybe, Mark thinks with surprise, even flighty Yugyeom is finally settling down a little, setting down roots and finding a place he can call home.
Mark is on the subway back in the late afternoon, arms laden with paper bags filled with pots of bright paints with that fresh turpentine smell that he inhales deeply with anticipation; a few of his usual cheap brushes with stiff strawlike bristles and one with the softest hair that feels like the fur of a fluffy cat slinking past when he strokes it across his skin. He had been unable to resist splurging on it when he saw it, even though he knew it was a designer brand he couldn't afford and would cost him a week of his food allowance. He also stocked up on a pile of sketchbooks and drawing pads, the rich and creamy paper just thick enough to make that satisfying rustling sound when he flipped a page.
The thought suddenly occurs to him, popping into his mind out of nowhere that he hadn't replied Jaebum's message this morning. He had zoned out staring at it and trying to think of what to say until Yugyeom's arrived and he hastily closed it, then left the house, in the end slipping his mind. Mark bites his lip, hoping that Jaebum hadn't noticed or better yet, hadn't been expecting a reply. He would type one out now, but his arms are too full and overloaded to reach his phone.
Mark's thoughts are still on Jaebum, the surprising softness of his chapped lips the previous night as he trudges home, arms aching and looking forward to setting his load down and resting. And when he looks up, a few paces away from his apartment, to see Jaebum standing outside, ringing the doorbell, eyes solemn, Mark thinks for a moment that it's a hallucination.
"Jaebum?" he calls uncertainly, shuffling closer, and Jaebum turns in his direction, startled. He looks from the door to Mark, confused, as if expecting Mark to emerge from inside the house. His mouth hangs open for a moment, dazed, before he snaps into action, hurrying to relieve Mark of one of his overflowing bags. He hoists it easily into the crook of his arm, biceps rippling beneath the linen of his work shirt and Mark blushes, looking away quickly. He isn't wearing a suit jacket today and looks casual and handsome, a sleek ebony briefcase dangling from his other hand.
"Where did you go?" Jaebum frowns, as Mark fumbles for his key and opens the door.
Mark lets himself in and heaves the bags onto the coffee table, gesturing to Jaebum to just drop the one he's carrying anywhere on the couch.
"I had to buy some stuff in town," he replies casually, leaning awkwardly against the wall. "Why?"
Jaebum presses his lips together. "I... I was worried. You didn't reply my text this morning." His voice is soft, hesitant.
Mark feels a pang of guilt that Jaebum had evidently been waiting for his reply. "S-sorry," he stammers. "I forgot."
Jaebum looks slightly hurt and Mark's guilt deepens. "I read it, though!" he quickly adds. "It made me... really happy."
Jaebum's eyes widen, flickering up to his, and Mark cringes in embarrassment. What had possessed him to say something so cheesy and gross? It was just... the look in Jaebum's eyes at that moment, his face falling like a little boy's. It had gone straight to Mark's heart.
Jaebum clears his throat, and Mark realizes that the tips of his ears are blushing. Is this... how Jaebum looks when he's pleased? Mark sees Jaebum looking up at him bashfully through his eyelashes, and feels a surge of laughter bubbling in his throat. Jaebum really is too adorable for his own good.
"I didn't mean to make you worry," Mark says softly, moving towards Jaebum on impulse. Jaebum doesn't back away or approach, just watching Mark with hopeful speculation as Mark closes the distance between them.
"It's alright," Jaebum says quietly when Mark is standing before him, rewarding Mark with a rare smile. "I was just... insecure... wondering if you had changed your mind." He shifts his weight nervously to the other foot, studying the ground.
"Changed my mind?" Mark echoes, startled. It's so inconceivable that Jaebum could even entertain that notion. Did he have any idea how lucky Mark felt to have the chance to be with Jaebum? "Never," he blurts out vehemently, making Jaebum look up again with that stricken expression, as if Mark has taken his breath away.
"Did you come here because of that?" Mark whispers, suddenly breathless too. Jaebum's hair is falling out of his slicked-back do again, into his eyes and Mark wants to push it back with an intimate gesture but doesn't dare to. "You could've just called me."
Jaebum looks embarrassed. "Yeah," he mutters. "And I was wondering if you, uh, wanted to have dinner."
Mark feels a stupidly huge grin splitting his face. "Dinner? Where?"
"I don't know," Jaebum looks up at him, a smirk tugging at the ends of his lips. A familiar glimmer of mischief enters his eye. "Are you in the mood for McDonald's or French cuisine?"
In the end, they decide to cook a simple meal at home, since Mark has already bought the ingredients for dinner at the supermarket. He unloads groceries and stows cartons of milk into his mini refrigerator as he watches Jaebum cracking eggs into the bowl of samgyetang he is brewing on the stove. Jaebum's forehead is creased in concentration, his eyes adorably serious as he carefully stirs the broth.
Mark closes the fridge and slouches against it, continuing to watch Jaebum adding spices and condiments as the soup bubbles to completion. He ladles out a spoonful and tentatively tastes it, looking thoughtful, then satisfied.
Jaebum notices Mark's gaze and looks up, his smile beckoning. "Want a taste?" he offers, and Mark feels his feet leading him towards Jaebum without thinking, pulled in by that familiar gravitational force. Jaebum looks pleased by Mark's increasing proximity, and scoops up another spoonful of the fragrant soup. He blows on it this time, like he's worried Mark will burn his tongue, and delivers it carefully into Mark's open mouth. Mark tries not to blush at the startling intimacy of Jaebum feeding him, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden.
The soup warms his mouth and slides down his dry throat, into his stomach which he has just realized is ravenous. "It's really good!" he gasps, unable to hide his impressed awe, and Jaebum can't contain his beaming grin of pride.
"I had no idea you were such a good cook," Mark mutters as he slurps down his second bowl of Jaebum's soup later. Jaebum's culinary skills could seriously rival a housewife.
Jaebum arches an amused eyebrow at him. "I have many hidden talents," he quips, not knowing how true it is, and how marvelous Mark finds the way Jaebum constantly surprises him.
When they are washing the dishes together, Jaebum rinsing and Mark drying, their fingertips brush as Jaebum hands Mark a plate absently. Both of them immediately pull away as though burnt, and Mark sees his wariness and consternation reflected in Jaebum's anxious eyes. They have been careful not to touch each other all night, all too aware of the awkward tension crackling in the air between them, charged and electrifying. Now, Jaebum shifts, setting a distance between them, his eyes cautious and guarded.
"It's late," he says quietly, setting down the last clean plate in the rack. "I should go."
As with the previous night, Mark doesn't say anything, struck dumb. He clutches Jaebum's shoulders as Jaebum kisses him chastely goodnight at the door, lips cool as they brush Mark's briefly. Mark's fingers tighten, grabbing a fistful of Jaebum's shirt for one heartstopping second, before he reluctantly lets go. Jaebum is looking intently at him, breathing seeming a little quicker than usual. But his manners remain faultlessly gentlemanly as he wishes Mark good night and steps out the front door, leaving Mark feeling unfulfilled and left hanging as he stares morosely at the back of the closed door.
He feels slightly anticlimactic as he recalls fondly Jaebum's breathtaking passion the night before, his demanding lips on Mark, urgent and bruising, possessing. If he didn't know that Jaebum was capable of such fierce intensity, of losing control like that, Mark wouldn't have believed it. Jaebum could've fooled him with his bland, nice-guy exterior.
Days become weeks, and weeks cumulate into a fortnight, then almost a month, but the feeling of surreality never completely fades. It never stops feeling like a fairytale or a dream in that first moment every morning when Mark wakes up and his breath catches as he remembers that he's dating someone now. He's dating Jaebum.
He's starting to suspect he'll never tire of this novelty, never be able to contain the shit-eating grin on his face when he daydreams foolishly of Jaebum, sends him playful texts with emoticons that Jaebum never uses in return, which makes Mark have even more fun spamming him with stickers and smileys, enjoying teasing Jaebum and trying to ruffle his poker face.
On Mark's thirtieth birthday in Korean age, he spends the evening putting the finishing touches on his almost completed sketch. He has invested months of effort into it and it's more personal than any project he has ever worked on. He had never dared to hope that this assignment would be this successful, that he would manage to overcome his loss of inspiration and produce such an outstanding work of art. But his wildest dreams had come true, and Mark hardly dares to believe his luck, the unreal fact that he now possesses both career and love. His happiness has skyrocketed compared to his dull and monotonous existence a few months ago, and it was all thanks to Jaebum walking into his life like a fairytale prince and banishing the darkness in it, supporting him, inspiring him indescribably. Mark knows that he owes Jaebum more than he can say for altering his life so positively.
He wonders how he could possibly express his innermost thoughts and feelings to Jaebum, convey his gratitude and the extent and depth of his love in another form besides language. Mark has already acknowledged that he is hopeless at weaving pretty words and sweet nothings, and the only way he has ever been able to come close to expressing himself is through art. And when Mark realizes this, it dawns on him that he has found the perfect birthday present for Jaebum. He had been racking his brains over what to get Jaebum on his birthday, which is a few months after Mark, and when the idea strikes Mark, he's so excited that he abandons his nearly-finished work and immediately starts on the portrait of Jaebum.
Before Mark puts the tip of his pencil to paper, he closes his eyes and visualizes Jaebum in his mind's eye -- Jaebum on his doorstep every night, eyes longing and reserved at the same time, brooding and pensive as he sweetly kisses Mark goodbye; the way sometimes when he's tired his eyes flutter closed as if indulging in the brief moment and his lips linger on Mark's, a degree warmer than usual. Jaebum had been as good as his word, never making any further advances towards Mark or trying to get fresh with him after that day, almost stubbornly restrained. Sometimes Mark wonders if he's doing it on purpose, to get back at Mark for pushing him away, but then he feels bad for thinking so negatively of Jaebum who has given him nothing but utmost respect and space.
Gradually, Jaebum's passivity combined with Mark's characteristic reserve had led them to arrive at an impasse, unable to progress forward in terms of intimacy and starting to fall into the comfort, the predictability of the same habits every day. Sometimes the gestures varied -- occasionally Jaebum gave him a forehead kiss or a backhug instead, but they were always still safe and sedate, more friendly than loverlike.
And maybe this languid pace isn't so bad either, Mark comforts himself thinking. There's no stress and less tension even though Jaebum's touch still sets his skin alight every time they accidentally graze each other's bodies. The fire that consumes Mark on those occasions makes him relieved and even more convinced that they shouldn't explore unchartered territory, for fear of being burnt and badly scalded.
Occasionally, he wonders if Jaebum is waiting for him to make the first move, since Mark had been the one who had set the boundaries initially, drawn the lines. But Mark dismisses the thought quickly. Jaebum should know that Mark doesn't have the courage to. He should know better than to expect Mark to do something so reckless, something so stupidly brave. Mark has always been content to let Jaebum take the navigation of their relationship, satisfied to follow Jaebum as he guided.
After he does the rough preliminary sketch with blunt, careless lines in faint pencil, Mark digs into his supplies for a piece of charcoal, just the right size to fit into the palm of his hand. It powders his fingertips with coal dust as he uses the sharp end to describe a row of curved lines, capturing the exact curl of Jaebum's long eyelashes casting shadows over his high cheekbones as he presses his lips to Mark's forehead, his cheek, the corner of his mouth, square on the lips. Mark shades and smudges diligently, applying pressure to evoke shadow in darker areas and lightening his touch to a feather's weight as he captures light. He loses himself in swift charcoal strokes across canvas and when the brassy ringing of the doorbell jolts him back to reality the portrait is half-done and twilight has fallen.
Mark blinks, quickly fumbling for a cloth and throwing it over the easel clumsily. He looks at the clock, breaking into a smile. Jaebum is early. He must've specially arrived earlier to take Mark out for a birthday dinner.
Mark hurriedly undoes his paint-spattered apron, bustling eagerly to the door, briefly considering throwing himself daringly into Jaebum's arms. Would that make him laugh in that way that echoed in Mark's bones? Would he pick Mark up, lifting him effortlessly off his feet and swing him around in a joyful circle, no longer waiting for each other to initiate skinship first?
But when Mark flings open the door, his grin slips to see not Jaebum but Jinyoung, Yugyeom and Bambam standing outside with megawatt smiles, balloons, gaudily-wrapped presents and a bakery cake in a box. "SURPRISE!"
Mark recovers quickly, pasting his elated smile back on. It's not difficult because he is genuinely delighted and immensely moved by his friends' impromptu party for him. It's just that he had been expecting to spend a solitary romantic night with Jaebum.
But looking at their guileless, loving smiles, Mark can't bring himself to tell his hapless, well-meaning friends to leave. Besides, Jaebum isn't due back for another hour. Maybe the party will be finished by then. So he opens his door widely and graciously invites them in, and the three of them pile into his apartment in a bundle of cheer and excitement. Mark is soon buoyed by their wave of upbeat celebration too, really starting to enjoy his birthday.
Bambam has bought these ridiculous party hats and headwear from the party supplies store, but Mark refuses to wear the clownlike conical hats. They let him choose since he's the birthday boy and he reluctantly picks the least embarrassing one, a headband with furry black cat ears. Jinyoung puts it on for him. "Hyung, you look so cute!" he fanboys, flailing his hands as he snaps a selca for commemoration. Bambam has next dibs since he bought the accessories and picks a pair of fluffy white bunny ears, and Jinyoung chooses a bulky baby pink peach head which is cute but looks heavy and stuffy inside. Yugyeom is left with the ridiculous party hat and he pouts, whining grumpily as Jinyoung snaps pictures, uploading them onto his Instagram while laughing his ass off.
Once they are suitably attired, the three of them go to the kitchen and huddle over the birthday cake, bickering over how many candles to stick in. Mark laughs as their muffled but furious argument drifts out and finally the lights flicker off and they carry the enormous cake into the living room, their faces looking so beautiful and precious illuminated in the orange glow of the candles that Mark feels a prickle at the backs of his eyes. He blinks away the tears rapidly, thankful for the darkness as they walk slowly closer, singing the birthday song off-tune, in Korean, then English, then a butchered Chinese version which makes Mark howl until his stomach hurts.
At least he can claim the tears oozing from his eyes are from laughing too hard as Mark takes a deep breath and blows out the candles, making three wishes. I wish Jinyoung, Yugyeom and Bambam will always be happy. I wish for more inspiration in my art this year. I wish that on my thirty-first birthday, Jaebum and I will still be together.
Mark opens his eyes to the other three's rousing cheers. They pop open cans of beer to go with the cake, which is chocolate fudge with Happy birthday Mark-hyung written on it in pink icing. Yugyeom proudly informs Mark that it was his contribution.
"What about yours?" Mark turns expectantly to Jinyoung, who points to the bunch of more than ten colourful balloons which has floated up to the ceiling and is now hovering in a corner of the room like an awkward visitor. "What am I going to do with that?" Mark shakes his head, laughing, and Jinyoung shrugs, licking cream off his fingers. "We can set them free later. It's pretty when they go up in the sky."
"I can paint that!" Mark exclaims, and they all agree excitedly that it's a good idea.
Mark is already imagining the contrast of pastel balloons silhouetted against the night sky, their tails like the vapour trails of shooting stars arcing across the dark in a beautiful trajectory of light. They finish up their slices of cake, chattering casually and have seconds. The cake is so big that there's still half left over after they can't eat a bite more. Jinyoung packs it up and stuffs the box into Mark's fridge. "You can serve it to other guests," he mumbles cryptically, and Mark senses that he's talking about Jaebum but doesn't want to say his name outright. It's just like Jinyoung to remember all his friends, even those who aren't around.
Next, they whip out the lavishly-wrapped presents Mark had caught a glimpse of when they arrived, all of them pestering him to open theirs first. Mark laughs, unable to resist all their aegyos, and decides in the end to pull one end of all three ribbons simultaneously. He's thrilled and not surprised to find out Yugyeom has given him drawing supplies, and of the best quality too. It must've cost him a small fortune, but he just laughs dismissively and winks, "Only the best for my Mark-hyung," when Mark berates him for splurging.
Bambam has given him an eclectic selection of the latest album releases, both Western and Korean pop which he reassured Mark he had gotten almost free-of-charge since their advertising company got lots of samples. "These are really cool, thanks," Mark gushes, eyes starry as he sifts through the albums, touched that Bambam had noticed his passion for music only secondary to art.
Jinyoung has gotten him the full saga of Fifty Shades of Grey. "Oh my god," Mark groans, blushing and exasperated at the same time. "I'm not really into reading, especially erotica, Jinyoung-ah."
"Trust me, you'll like them," Jinyoung leers greasily, and Mark rolls his eyes. At least it's in English and not the Korean translation which Mark's hangul is still not fluent enough to read.
They are gathering the gift wrappers and clearing the used plates up when the doorbell rings again. Mark looks up, stricken and ecstatic at the same time. He had been having so much fun that he forgot Jaebum was due back soon. Jinyoung leaps to his feet, bounding towards the door before Mark has a chance to get up. "It's okay, I'll get it!" he beams at Mark helpfully.
When Mark has straggled to his feet and stumbled after Jinyoung, skidding to a breathless halt behind him, he is just in time to see the way Jaebum's face crumples when he sees Jinyoung in Mark's doorway, his smile faltering as he takes in the cat ears on Mark's head. The bouquet of red roses in his hand drops to his side, and his other hand tightens over the handle of the cake box he's holding, knuckles pale as he slides it behind his back.
Mark abruptly realizes how this looks, since Jaebum can't see Yugyeom and Bambam and has no idea they're in the house too. He probably thinks Mark is celebrating alone with Jinyoung. But before Mark can open his mouth to explain, Jaebum has pivoted on his heel and is marching towards the elevator, jabbing the button and getting in stormily.
"What's his deal?" Jinyoung turns to him, lifting an eyebrow, obviously finding Jaebum's reaction bizarre. Mark sighs in distress and doesn't bother to explain to Jinyoung how he had never cleared up the existing misunderstanding Jaebum had developed over that text message a few months ago Jinyoung had sent about kissing Mark. Jaebum had never asked and Mark hadn't known how to broach the subject, instead choosing to avoid the issue.
Mark gives Jinyoung a hasty pat on the shoulder, promising to clarify the situation later, and asks Jinyoung if he would mind terribly if Mark left first.
"Hyung," Jinyoung sighs, giving him a one-armed hug. "It's your birthday, remember? You can do anything you like. Go crazy!" he urges, nudging Mark. "But don't do anything I wouldn't do," he jokes as Mark shoots him a grateful smile, tears off the ears and pulls on his shoes haphazardly, breaking into a run after Jaebum.
"Thanks, Jinyoung-ah," Mark types out a quick text to him in the downward hurtling lift. "I'll make your birthday unforgettable too." Jinyoung's birthday is coming up and Mark vows that he will plan for Jinyoung as amazing a surprise as his three friends have given him today.
Mark feels himself sagging palpably in relief when he spies Jaebum's car still in the garage of the apartment building. He wanders out of the lobby, wondering where Jaebum would head at this time of the night. He can't have gone far on foot and besides, he would never make Mark search for him on his birthday. Mark is confident of that. He just wanted to throw a small temper tantrum, to get Mark on his own. Jaebum could be petulant about hogging Mark's attention this way.
Sure enough, Mark spots a familiar pair of shoulders in a pool of ochre light sitting at a solitary bench in the deserted park nearby, the cake box and bouquet of flowers on either side of him. From the rear, Jaebum's shoulders look broad but fragile, and Mark feels a pang of tenderness for him as he walks slowly up behind Jaebum and leans down to drape his arms around his shoulders.
Jaebum jumps a little, startled, relaxing when he senses it's Mark but his body still remaining stiff, unwilling to admit his soft-heartedness. Mark knows better than to be intimidated, nuzzling into his neck at the spot he's found out Jaebum is most sensitive until Jaebum turns his head, capturing Mark's lips with his own and Mark's chin with his fingers.
The kiss is chaste, soft, gentle and sweet as usual. But today Jaebum's mouth feels feverishly warm against Mark's, unsatisfied, seeking for more. Mark's heart skips an erratic beat. However, Jaebum eventually pulls away with an effort, struggling to regain control of his breathing as he peers into Mark's eyes. "What was he doing there?" he demands unceremoniously, voice low.
Mark hesitates. "Jinyoung came to give me a surprise party with --" But his words are cut off by Jaebum's lips on his again, now hot and savage as his tongue darts out to lick the seam of Mark's lips, coaxing them open and delving into Mark's unresisting warmth, finding Mark's tongue and tangling them together. Strong fingers close over the nape of Mark's neck and hold him immobile. Jaebum doesn't stop kissing Mark even when Mark starts gasping for breath, squirming away and trying to suck air in. He seems to wants to kiss Mark to the point of suffocation, biting the corner of Mark's lip deliberately until he draws blood. Jaebum seems to want to leave a visible mark on him today, one that will stake his claim and Mark wonders what had brought this sudden dominance on.
"You're mine," Jaebum breathes fiercely, breaking away finally just when Mark thinks he is about to faint from lack of oxygen. Jaebum cradles his face in his hands, his eyes telling Mark that he is safe with him. "Do you understand?" his hands tighten over Mark's shoulders. "I'm never going to give you to anyone else."
Mark can only nod dumbly, dragging huge gasps of air into his lungs, his heart still pumping overtime. Jaebum is breathing raggedly too, face flushed and pupils blown so wide his irises are almost entirely black. "Mark," Jaebum groans, sounding desperate and helpless and pleading, like he's deathly afraid of losing Mark. He detaches himself for a brief moment to stride around the bench towards Mark, wrenching him into his arms and engulfing him in his embrace, so tightly that Mark can't breathe. Jaebum's heart is slamming shallowly against his chest and his hot breath is jagged against Mark's neck, the ridge of his erection pressing against Mark's thigh.
And for the first time, three months after they first met, Mark finally feels like he's ready. Ready for more than innocent kisses and teddy bear hugs. He wants this relationship to gain a sense of reality, an opacity that is currently lacking. A bond that can only be achieved through unrestrained intimacy. It's taken them so much time and patience to get here, but he's now fully prepared to move to the next step.
"I'm yours," Mark murmurs into Jaebum's ear, feeling him tremble. He wraps his arms around Jaebum and squeezes just as tightly, wanting to give Jaebum physical reassurance, to allay his fears and put him at ease. "Don't worry."
Jaebum pulls back to look into Mark's eyes, not looking convinced. "Prove it," he demands, eyes gleaming with challenge and unbearable hope.
"Okay," Mark says simply, smiling at Jaebum and smoothing his hair back.
"Okay?" Jaebum repeats, mouth falling open in shock. "Are you serious, Mark-yah?" his voice trembles. "You'll finally let me... touch you?"
Mark lowers his eyes and nods shyly, feeling Jaebum's hands wander boldly and disbelievingly down to his hips to settle there, then cup his ass proprietarily. Jaebum pushes a knee between Mark's legs, crowding between them and grinding his crotch against Mark's roughly. Mark's head spins dizzily, sparks shooting up his groin as he grips Jaebum's shoulders and hangs on weakly.
"Not here," he manages to choke out, before Jaebum devours him whole. "W-when we reach home."
At his words, Jaebum stills as if by magic, letting Mark go obediently. Mark's heart contracts at the trust in Jaebum's eyes, the sheer happiness that shines from him because of Mark's promise.
"You have no idea..." Jaebum breathes, caressing Mark's cheek with his knuckles. "How long I've been waiting. I was going crazy. I didn't think I'd be able to stand another day. Leaving you every night with a stupid kid's kiss, going home to jerk myself off to sleep, thinking of you... it was hell. You were driving me insane."
Mark can't help the gasp that escapes his lips. Jaebum had always seemed so calm, so controlled and nonchalant and impassive. Mark had no clue that he was in such turmoil all the time. "I'm sorry," he mutters, remorseful. But Jaebum quickly hushes him. "It's not your fault. I was too anxious. I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't," Mark promises seriously, looking up intently into his eyes. "I'm stronger than I look."
A smile of unfettered delight breaks quietly over Jaebum's face. He takes Mark's hand in his, interlocking their fingers and picks up the cake and bouquet with the other. "Let's go home, then."
Mark shakes his head, standing his ground and Jaebum looks confused, then panicked. "What's wrong?"
Mark pouts. "You haven't given me my roses," he whines, and Jaebum laughs out loud in stunned relief.
"For you," he says shyly, thrusting the bouquet at Mark. Mark takes it and inhales deeply, hiding his moronic grin behind the flowers. "Thank you."
"Happy birthday," Jaebum says, dropping a kiss on the crown of his head.
As they stroll back in the luminescent moonlight, hand in hand, Jaebum enquires, "What was that thing on your head you were wearing just now?"
"... The cat ears?"
"You're not allowed to look so cute in front of anybody except me again." Jaebum admonishes sternly. "Heard that?"
"Yes, sir," Mark giggles with a mock salute, making Jaebum's face relax into an indulgent smile too. "Do you still have them?"
"Yes, why?"
Jaebum coughs. "Wear them again for me later. I didn't get a good look."
When they get back to Mark's apartment, the house is sparkling clean, neater than it's been in a long time, and Jinyoung, Bambam and Yugyeom are gone without a trace.
part 4