tea lights (4/8)

[gotchick]

when mark breaks away, jackson feels like he has stepped into a whole new world. in the span of a minute, he has crossed the threshold from one to another, and found himself in a totally and completely different universe.

a minute ago, mark and jackson were just harmless, platonic friends, bros (even if jackson was unnaturally nervous with him, his palms unnaturally sweaty). jackson had even thought of mark as one of his best friends, and this makes him feel gullible and slightly betrayed. but within a minute, mark had changed everything -- turned jackson's world upside down -- just by kissing him.

a minute ago, jackson had never been kissed.

he had never known what the sensation of another person's lips pressed against his own, their face a centimetre away and their breath warm on his skin felt like. although he had imagined it a healthy amount of times, the reality was far weirder, wetter, hotter and more awkward than his imagination.

and now, jackson knows with a sinking dread, they can never go back. they can never be just friends again, comfortable, same-gender buddies. because of mark's stupid and senseless action, the only path they can take is forward now, and what jackson sees ahead of him is blind darkness, agonizing and terrifying. no matter what, the only thing jackson knows with cold certainty is that they can never go back to the old yi-en and jia-er again.

a minute ago, he had thought he knew everything mark was thinking. he had thought that he was on an innocent, fun trip to the planetarium with his good friend. but now, as jackson forces himself to look into mark's wild, stark eyes, their heavy breathing overlapping and filling the air between them, he realizes that he has no idea what mark is thinking at all.

strangely, this betrayal is what hurts the most, the straw that breaks the camel's back.

jackson feels blindsided. shell-shocked and numb. he doesn't feel like those cliche romantic heroines in mangas or on tv dramas who are overjoyed when someone attacks them in a kiss. it's only now that jackson realizes how unrealistic that reaction is, because there is nothing romantic or delightful about suddenly -- out of the blue, like a bolt of lightning -- being kissed by someone who is not your lover. it's rude, invasive and frightening, a complete violation. he is shaken to his core to find out that mark is not the person jackson has always thought he was.

but then... as the initial rude shock fades away, jackson abruptly realizes that his heart is doing a series of somersaults rivalling an acrobatic routine in his chest, his stomach twisted in knots and his face burning like it's been set on fire. his breathing is amplified in his ears and he can't tell if that humiliatingly loud, out-of-control, filthy-sounding panting is coming from him or mark, whose eyes are still tight and dark with panic, glazed over and slightly unfocused, whose face is blotched with crimson, whose hands are shaking visibly, his fingers trembling violently until he grabs them tightly with his other hand.

he realizes that the scalding sensation of mark's lips is still branded vividly on his own, like a hot poker.

it comes as scant relief to realize that the perverse-sounding breathing noise is coming equally from both of them.

jackson's head is spinning, his mind racing to impose some sense and order on the chaos. he finds himself thinking like a mentally-impaired person or a two-year-old kid, replaying the sequence of events that has just taken place in simple, salient points to himself.

mark had said that his favourite chinese word was jackson's name.

and then he had kissed him.

why would he do that?

the only possible reason, jackson concludes, could be that mark likes him. as more than a friend. as a... jesus christ, mark is romantically attracted to him.

at this point, jackson's mind short-circuits, as if a fuse has been blown. how... how is this possible? they're both guys. jackson isn't a girl. neither is mark. not that, even if he were one, jackson would see him in that way. well, maybe.

sure, their best friends, jinyoung and jaebum, are in a gay relationship. but that doesn't mean that they should be attracted to each other too. the two matters are not related at all.

most of all, what he can't wrap his mind around is that it's mark -- mark who jackson hasn't ever thought of as anybody other than yi-en. yi-en, his friend, confidante, respected older brother, the person jackson feels the happiest and smiles and laughs the most with. he hasn't ever really quantified their relationship because there's been no need to. since they met, mark has just been there, in the space beside jackson, quietly and steadfastly keeping him company.

but for some reason he can't put his finger on, jackson feels the surprise ebb into a faint twinge of realization, like some things clicking into place at the back of his mind. what things, jackson doesn't know. he only knows for sure that mark has never expressed any non-platonic interest in him, explicitly or implicitly. he has never said anything like, i like you, even though we're both guys.

although, when jackson thinks about this, he can't imagine mark ever saying something like that. but then again, he could never in a million lifetimes have imagined what mark just did, so he doesn't trust himself.

could jackson have sensed it, somehow in his subconsciousness? could he have intuited, somewhere deep inside the unknowable labyrinthes of his heart, that mark had feelings for him?

jackson's stomach lurches. these are the thoughts that flit through his mind like a flock of released moths in the ensuing minutes following the kiss.

when jackson finally plucks up every single eon of courage he possesses to look mark in the eye, the little measure of composure he has managed to recover is instantly scattered again. because mark looks terrified shitless, fear and regret and silent contrition scrawled across his wide eyes with painful clarity. he looks like a man staring down a bottomless abyss and preparing to leap. he looks, for the first time jackson has ever seen him, desperately on the edge of tears.

involuntarily, jackson's eyes flicker down to mark's lips -- the lips that had been touching his just a few moments ago. their usual plushness is slightly swollen, moist and slick, reddened. beneath his gaze, mark's tongue slips out unconsciously to run over his lips, and jackson is shaken by a sudden stir in the pit of his stomach, an awakening or a heat slowly pooling above his groin. he clenches his fists and tears his eyes away forcefully, more bewildered than ever.

there is something pleading, devastating in mark's eyes that makes jackson break the excruciatingly awkward silence.

"why... why did you... do that?" forcing the words out of his dry throat feels like regurgitating glass.

the pause before mark replies seems like a breath held for an eternity.

then jackson breathes again as mark whispers in anguish, "i'm sorry."

jackson exhales in anger and hopeless panic as he senses mark withdrawing into himself again, hiding his fear and terror behind invisible barriers.

"i don't want you to say sorry," he blurts out brusquely, trying to sound gentle. "i want to know why you kissed me."

mark flinches physically at the last two words, as if his denial is affected by jackson throwing them into the cold hard open. jackson feels his voice growing louder, more brittle, losing control and handling his panic in a completely different way from mark.

with an effort, he consciously softens his voice, not wanting to scare mark into retreating behind his defenses and locking his true feelings up. but still, he can't disguise the urgency, vulnerability and powerlessness in his voice as he pleads, "please tell me."

mark's eyes soften as jackson's voice breaks on the last word, but he gasps as jackson almost unconsciously reaches for his hand imploringly. jackson tightens his grip over mark's fingers, which are clammy and slick.

"i..." mark starts, then falters, seemingly unable to find the words to explain his actions logically. jackson feels a violent surge of emotion at mark's irresponsibility, how he can't even bother to find even a lame excuse to justify changing jackson's life forever. does he think that this is something he can sweep under the rug, forget about by the next day, the next minute?

maybe... is this something that is merely trifling to him, as unimportant as it is earth-shaking to jackson?

jackson feels his stomach twisting with anger, his chest clenching with humiliation. he feels stupid and naive and gullible, being so unsophisticated as to make a big deal over a kiss. maybe mark kisses all his friends like this. at this thought, his hands tighten over mark's so painfully that it draws a surprised gasp of pain from mark's lips.

"you what?" jackson snaps, and realizes the moment the words are out that they are the wrong ones. if anything, the panic in mark's eyes intensifies at jackson's brutal tone, his eyes glazing over like shutters. he starts stammering, unable to form a single intelligible word. he's so pathetically terrified, paralyzed with fear, that jackson would've taken pity on him. if he weren't feeling the exact same way.

he doesn't feel the prickle behind his eyelids, the hot tears pooling and blurring his vision, spilling over and dampening his cheeks until mark's eyes widen and his face swims into a relieving kaleidoscopic blur.

"why are you crying? god, jia-er, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry, i shouldn't have done that --" now, mark is blabbering incoherently, his hands slipping from jackson's slackened ones to worriedly brush away the tears dripping from his eyes.

jackson has no idea why he's crying. distantly, he feels a pang of shame, but right now, all the overwrought emotions have just clashed together and simmered over, releasing themselves in the form of frustrated tears.

mark's face looks positively frantic when it swims into clarity again, and this time he looks ready to jump through hoops of fire if jackson commands him to. for a brief instant, jackson feels something tug deeply in his heart at how weak mark is to his tears, how soft-hearted and easily manipulated he is by jackson's every action. has always been.

this time, mark doesn't need any prompting from jackson. he takes a deep breath as if bracing himself, face pale, then says shakily, "i kissed you... because i wanted to. i lost control of myself, and i take full responsibility for it. i'm sorry if you hated it that much. i shouldn't have... i'm sorry. can you... forgive me?"

"you... wanted to?" jackson echoes, the flow of tears dried by how stunned he is. "do you..." he chokes out over the huge lump in his throat. "do you... l-like me?"

he blushes violently at the question, unable to believe the bizarreness of the situation, what he is asking mark.

but mark doesn't immediately and unequivocally deny it. in fact, his silence -- flushed cheeks and lowered eyes -- sounds petrifyingly like an admission.

"b-but --" jackson babbles the first thing that comes to his lips. "we're both guys!"

he doesn't realize how prejudiced and narrow-minded it sounds until its out in the open, hovering in the air between them like an elephant in the room. but thankfully, mark doesn't take offense, seeming to understand his muddled feelings as he replies, voice low and pained, "i know. that's why i didn't want to..."

"you didn't want to tell me?" the words bubble from jackson's lips, with a surge of anger. "you wanted to kiss me, but didn't because we're both guys, and you hid it from me?"

"i --" the sheer torment and helplessness and raw frustration in mark's eyes makes all his bristling anger ebb away.

"i didn't want to make you feel troubled," mark says, lower than a whisper, surprising jackson. he hadn't expected mark to be able to string together a whole, logical sentence.

but mark continues, seeming to have found his voice at last. "i didn't know if you felt the same way."

his words are bitter with regret, reminding jackson of the afternoon he had watched jackson sparring with hani, quietly, arms folded over his chest, standing half-hidden by the sliding door of the dojo. jackson hadn't even noticed his presence until the end of the session. what had mark been thinking, standing there for so long? what were the thoughts that had been running through his mind, knowing that jackson had given hani a gift on white day and being under the impression that jackson had a crush on her?

for the first time, he sees a flicker of the old, familiar mark under this new, frighteningly foreign one -- unsure, passive, excruciatingly shy. maybe it seemed horribly unfair that mark had basically planned to hide his feelings from jackson for the rest of his life.

but maybe it was the only thing he knew how to do.

jackson feels the weight crushing his chest ease a little, understanding and sympathy battling with anger and the still-raw betrayal. he isn't sure what he's mad at mark for -- for having forbidden feelings for jackson, or keeping them a secret? jackson's mind is a hopelessly tangled mess.

the air between them still feels like liquid glass, dense and charged, not letting them forget for a second that things have been changed utterly and irrevocably.

jackson doesn't know what to say. he has the feeling that mark is looking at him expectantly, even though he doesn't say anything or ask jackson for any answers. the seconds tick past and jackson feels like he should say something to address the confession he had pried out of mark tooth and nail -- but he has no idea what.

does mark expect jackson to say that he likes him too? that's impossible. jackson isn't gay. and he's never seen mark as anything more than a friend before today -- in fact, before ten minutes ago when mark's lips were on his, breathless and heavy, moving clumsily against jackson's.

there's nothing jackson can say now to repair the situation. mark knows that jackson doesn't return his feelings. he doesn't expect jackson to. but things hadn't gone according to plan, and he had slipped up and accidentally kissed jackson. jackson had forced the truth out of him.

and now, he knows. he knows that mark likes him and this knowledge is like a vice around his heart, squeezing tightly till jackson can't breathe. the entire situation is a godawful mess and jackson has no idea what to do or say next.

thankfully, mark seems to sense his conflicted feelings without him voicing them out and takes control of the situation.

"you don't have to say anything," he says softly and calmly, seeming to have returned to his composed self with an effort. "i don't want you to be stressed about it.

"i'm not asking you to forget what i just did, because i know that it's something that can't be undone. but just -- don't think about it for now. okay?"

after a beat of hesitance, jackson nods mutely, not sure what else he can do and feeling relieved and rubber-limbed.

mark continues speaking in that soothing voice, his words washing over jackson and calming him down a degree at last. "what do you want to do now? if you feel uncomfortable, we can leave. i'll take you home immediately."

"no," jackson finds his voice weakly. "jaebum paid good money for the tickets. i don't want to waste them."

mark is silent, his expression blank so jackson can't tell how he feels about staying. but he just nods understandingly.

"all right, then. we'll stay. but i want you to know that i'm very sorry for my inappropriate behavior and that you don't have to worry about it happening again. i promise."

mark says this solemnly, looking as though he's about to raise his hand to scout-swear. jackson's lip twitches unexpectedly. he quickly bites down on it and sets his expression to equal seriousness.

"i'm not worried," he says reassuringly, hoping his words will ease the tension in mark's tight eyes a little. thankfully, mark seems to relax infinitesimally.

mark gets to his feet, putting more distance between them than has been present for the past half-hour, and jackson feels unaccountably bereft. he watches as mark drags another beanbag chair towards the center of the room, a foot away from jackson's, and lies back on it carefully. he doesn't look over at jackson, instead focusing his gaze on the ceiling above.

"have you heard the legend of the cowherd and the weaver?" he asks abruptly, seeming to want to change the subject and move on from the awkward tension clouding the room.

jackson takes the hint, forcing himself to tear his gaze away but unable to stop the hammering of his heart in his throat as he follows mark's lead and looks up into the vast sky. "no."

he has vaguely heard some idea of it, but it's foggy in his mind and besides he senses that mark wants to tell it to him, his own way.

mark still doesn't look over as he continues, voice distant, "it's about a pair of tragic lovers who were banished to opposite sides of the milky way. but once a year, on the seventh day of the seventh lunar month, a flock of magpies would form a bridge to reunite them for one day."

"the seventh day of the seventh lunar month?" jackson interrupts. "isn't that... today?"

there is a silence in which he can hear mark swallow audibly before he replies quietly, "yeah."

"so according to the lunar calendar... today is the chinese valentine's day...?"

mark seems to struggle to find an answer this time, and jackson belatedly regrets his careless question. the opaque tension is back in the air again, and they both seem unable to dissipate it.

"t-tell me another story!" he hastily blurts out on impulse, at his wit's end. thankfully, mark takes up his suggestion, and quickly launches into another folklore.

"do you know the origin of the mid-autumn festival?

"in the past, ten suns had risen together to the heavens, causing hardship for the people. the archer hou yi shot down nine of them and was given the elixir of immortality as a reward, but he did not consume it as he didn't want to gain immortality without his beloved wife chang'e. however, when he was out hunting, his jealous disciple broke into his house and forced her to give up the elixir to him, but she refused. instead, she drank it and flew upwards towards the heavens, choosing the moon as residence to be nearby her beloved husband. from then on, she lived there alone with no one as her companion except a jade rabbit."

as mark comes to the end of his mellow retelling, jackson inhales softly, struck by the last two words. "jade rabbit?" he repeats, throat dry. "o-on valentine's day, i found a rabbit-shaped chocolate in my locker..."

mark is silent, so silent jackson can hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

"it was you...?"

when jackson turns his head to look at mark, he's looking at jackson with his head turned too, eyes sad and smile wistful. jackson's traitorous heart does a cartwheel.

"even then?" jackson breathes in hushed disbelief, mind reeling to process this new information. for so long, he had just assumed based on flimsy evidence that the valentine's day gift could have been from no other person than hani. now, this new revelation... it changes everything.

he doesn't expect mark to answer verbally, but mark seems to think he owes jackson honesty. "from the beginning," is all he says, but the three simple words cut jackson to the quick.

"you mean..." he gasps breathlessly, a startlingly vivid image suddenly flashing into his mind, of the first day they met; the curious tinge of red at the tips of mark's ears and how he almost tripped over his bicycle. which might seem normal to others, but to jackson with how well he has come to know him now, is obviously unusual because mark always straddles his bicycle with an agile and nimble grace. klutzy is not an adjective that applies to mark. "... the first day?"

mark breathes a laugh, but it sounds hollow and humourless, causing a pang in jackson's chest.

"you know," he says, not answering the question but changing the topic, "i dyed my hair blonde because of you."

"what?! why?"

"because i wanted to impress you. i wanted you to think i was cool."

jackson's mouth has dropped open, his jaw slack. this is too much information to process all at once. on merely the second day they met, mark had already been so affected by jackson that he had dyed his hair, just to get jackson's attention? jackson finds it hard to believe, but it's exactly what mark is telling him.

"you... you l-liked me from the first day?" he asks again, knowing that mark feels uncomfortable answering but needing to know, craving to hear the answer for reasons he doesn't understand.

mark just looks at him quietly, but something in his eyes makes jackson think of the word caress.

his chest contracts. "why? why do you like me?" he demands in genuine confusion. jackson isn't the kind of person to be humble about his good qualities, but he honestly doesn't see anything about himself that would make anyone -- especially mark; mark with his accidental gorgeousness -- fall for him at first sight.

finally, mark relents and gives him his answer. "because the morning of the first day of school, i saw you outside the school gates. your head was tilted up to the sky, and your eyes were closed. cherry blossoms were falling all around you, and i thought you were the most beautiful thing in my life i had ever seen."

jackson inhales sharply. it's the longest sentence mark has strung together tonight, indeed, one of the longest since jackson met him. and without a doubt, the most devastating. more than all the stars in the sky, the centuries-old constellations, the meteor shower: mark -- mark who preferred stars to people -- thought jackson was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen?

for an infinite heartbeat, they are both wordless as he absorbs this. mark's cheekbones are dusted pink, his ears blushing again. his emotions are transparent in a way that makes jackson wonder how he could have been so oblivious until now.

"why didn't you tell me earlier?" he finds himself asking in a pained whisper, the twinge of pain in his chest surprising him. thinking of how mark must have felt at that time, how rejected, how heartbroken and unrequited, shouldering these weighty feelings alone, makes jackson's own heart feel like it's splintering.

mark breathes a laugh so quiet it sounds like a sigh, filled with a history of emotions jackson can't even begin to separate. "i didn't have an easy time accepting my feelings either, you know," he upbraids jackson, but his gentle voice holds no reproach. "coming to terms with the fact that i liked a boy was the hardest thing i've ever done. but i couldn't lie.

"besides..." mark turns on his side to face jackson fully, the smile lacing his lips now that mysterious one jackson remembers from valentine's day. but upon looking closer, he realizes that the emotion he had mistaken for mystery had in fact been longing.

"i was waiting for you to grow up," mark finishes simply, that light teasing note in his voice again, but this time jackson can hear the fragility behind it.

they lapse into silence again, jackson not knowing what to say in reply and mark not seeming to mind, his hands clapsed together behind his head as he stares up at the stars flung across the indigo night with murky eyes. the moon is almost full, a yellowish-white disc suspended in the sky, heavy and round, haloed by a faint, ghostly glow.

but the silence is not as stifling as before, and the folktales seem to have relaxed both of them, mark's soothing storytelling voice making jackson feel pleasantly drowsy and less panicked. even though the kiss had taken him by surprise, jackson still feels safer with mark than any other person and knows he will not do anything else without jackson's consent.

the only thing that betrays mark's appearance of calm composure and lets slip a hint of the anxiety he must be feeling is his sudden, uncharacteristic subduedness. sure, it's characteristic for mark to be reserved and reticent in school or around people in general. but the fact that they're in a planetarium, stargazing, and he's not rambling on about some obscure constellation discovered hundreds of years ago but never officially recorded is unheard of.

jackson can dimly guess what he must be thinking, even if he's stubbornly silent -- worrying that he's ruined their friendship with his actions, that he has freaked jackson out or made things awkward. he wants to reassure mark that although he had definitely been shocked initially, he had gotten over it unexpectedly fast after mark had explained his actions; even forgiven him. but jackson can't bring himself to say the words i don't mind. it seems like an admission of something, even though he can't figure out what. besides, he's too busy with his own self-absorbed angst, still trying to digest the fact that mark -- yi-en -- likes him.

so they continue admiring the moon in half-awkward, half-companionable silence. its lonely, celestial light makes jackson think of the moon goddess chang'e exiled to live on the tiny planet alone for eternity.

"what do you like about me?" the words tumble from his mouth before they go through his brain.

he feels mark's eyes swivelling towards him, startled that he had broken the silence and puzzled by his question.

hastily, he continues, "i mean, i don't have any good qualities; i'm egoistic and selfish and self-absorbed --"

"stop," mark interrupts him firmly, eyes reproachful and serious. he looks as if he would put his hand over jackson's mouth if he hadn't promised not to touch him. "don't put yourself down like that." mark looks saddened and perturbed, as if he had been the one jackson was talking about.

"jia-er," he says solemnly, propping himself up on one elbow to gaze into jackson's eyes. his earlier awkwardness seems to be forgotten, or pale in importance to correcting jackson's self-worth. "weren't you the first to offer to sit out the soccer match, when we had an uneven number? on the first day of freshman year, didn't you take jinyoung's place in detention? this shows that you're loyal and kind-hearted. don't sell yourself short."

jackson blinks. "wait, how did you know about detention?"

mark colours a little at this. "jinyoung told me some time ago. he said that i'd better treat you right or he'd cut off my balls because you're the best friend in the world and way better than i deserve."

jackson's face grows warm at the mention of mark's balls. he really doesn't want to think of this right now. not that he wants to think of it later, in the shower, or anything. heck no.

"wait," he screeches in a low voice, "jinyoung knew you liked me too?"

mark looks sheepish. "he was actually the first one to notice. at that time, i was still in denial, trying to cut off my confusing feelings for you. it was only after he said that that i started to face up to them."

jackson falls silent at the realization of how mark must have faced the same reservations and doubts as him, falling for a boy. for one of his closest friends. he had unfairly assumed that this was easier for mark than for him, but he realizes his tactlessness to the silent struggle mark has gone through every day before this.

mark is still gazing at him with unnerving intensity. "i told you i thought you were beautiful when i first saw you, right?" he says quietly, not forgetting his point. jackson has realized that although mark is a person who seldom speaks, that doesn't mean he's not a person who speaks at the right times. because when anyone he cares about needs verbal support or motivation, mark never fails to find the right words to say. it's like he's saving his words for times like this, when they will make a meaningful difference.

"but when i got to know you, i realized that you were far more beautiful on the inside, than you were on the outside."

jackson blushes on cue, and mark seems to find it amusing, unable to resist teasing him a little. "hey. behind that cocky, brutish exterior... you're actually a really nice guy, aren't you?"

jackson sputters. "don't call me a nice guy!" he whinges, scrunching his face up in distaste on the words like he's sensitive to them. he doesn't like being fake and he's not going to pretend to be anything he's not. he's just him -- jackson wang, class clown, loud and obnoxious and always cheerful; but somehow, to mark -- in front of yi-en -- he becomes jia-er, uncertain and thoughtful, shy and smiling.

mark's lip twitches again, but he manages to keep a straight face. "you asked me what i like about you," he goes on serenely. "i like that you're like a star, always burning yourself out for other people. you give people light. you gave me light."

the paper plane he had discovered in his pocket suddenly flashes into jackson's mind. i always preferred the stars to the sun, until i saw your smile.

comprehension dawns on him with a start. for so long... mark had been watching over him, in the club, at the dojo, from afar. what are you doing here? watching you. he had never made any secret of his eyes faithfully following jackson. it was jackson who had been too blind to notice.

and when jackson realizes this, it's like all of a sudden the scales have fallen from his eyes, like he has taken off the noise-cancellation headphones he had been wearing and the world is audible once more. he turns to look at mark, really look at him -- mark, ridiculously handsome yi-en who is the only one in the world besides his parents who calls him jia-er; who sees all the good things within jackson; fragile mark with his patience and boyish smile and warm heart and gentle hands; who doesn't seem to care about many things, but is passionate about the things he really cares about. mark is saying that he likes jackson. yi-en is saying that he likes jia-er.

"yi-en," jackson whispers, his heart leaping into his throat at the tender smile mark gives him. his eyes are clouded with jackson. "what do you think it means... that when i look at someone, it's hard to breathe?"

"... someone?" mark repeats, a flicker of worry crossing his eyes.

jackson smiles shakily. "you."

so close, jackson can see the way mark's adam's apple bobs in the graceful column of his throat as he searches jackson's eyes in disbelief and agonizing hope.

"i don't know," he says, voice trembling.

jackson can hardly believe his nerve. he thinks he might've swallowed a leopard's guts as he leans forward boldly, closing the space between them and murmurs, "well then... let's find out, shall we?"

mark's lips part willingly and the tip of his warm tongue brushes jackson's, answering his question.

the next day, jackson keeps mum about the day before, deliberately vague no matter how much jinyoung tries to wheedle him into revealing.

"fine, be that way," jinyoung eventually huffs, losing patience with bugging jackson to spill the beans. but he doesn't really seem to mind as much as he pretends to, in fact looking relieved that jackson isn't crying or heartbroken and taking no news as a good sign.

the next tuesday, jackson and mark try their best to act normal during club. it's difficult to muster the stiff, awkward air that had hung between them like a dark cloud before, even though now there's a different kind of awkwardness. a delicious, tingly kind that feels like fireworks under jackson's skin.

in the end, they wind up avoiding each other again, even though jackson catches mark watching him a few times with a beatific, adoring smile on his face. he wishes mark would stop being so obvious while trying to calm his hammering heart, but as they are walking towards the bike rack, finally able to hold hands behind the privacy of the school wall, mark demands why jackson had been so obvious.

"who, me?" jackson gapes indignantly.

mark complains about how jackson had been mooning at him so foolishly that bambam had smirked knowingly at mark like he had caught on to something.

"i didn't!" jackson protests vehemently, dignity injured, his face feeling like a stop sign. he hadn't even seen bambam at club, because he hadn't been able to tear his attention away from mark long enough to notice other people.

mark sighs. "i don't think we can hide it for long." twin creases appear in his brow, looking like he's painfully worried.

jackson tries to hide his hurt. "would it be so bad if they found out?" he mumbles, trying not to sound sour.

mark looks up, the creases disappearing as his eyes widen. he opens and closes his mouth mutely, before finding his voice. "no! that's not what i meant! i don't mind at all. i thought... you didn't want anybody to know." his voice grows softer, uncertain, and jackson feels a pang of guilt.

"i don't really care," he says breezily after a few moments of silence.

mark stares at him. "are you sure?" he asks seriously. "some people might look at us differently."

jackson shrugs, hoping his racing heart doesn't show on his face. "those people don't matter. and anyway, jaebum practically openly calls jinyoung his boyfriend and they still adore him. you're the president, i'm sure they'll be as accepting to you."

mark looks lost in thought. "is it really okay?" he says hesitantly. "is this..." he laces their fingers together, warm and slightly clammy, "okay?" he looks up at jackson shyly through his eyelashes.

jackson swallows down the lump of fear in his throat and smiles back tremblingly. he locks his fingers around mark's and is rewarded with a bright, surprised smile. they've reached the bike, but mark doesn't let go.

"want to go for a walk?" his eyes hold jackson's, glinting with conspiratorial challenge, and jackson breaks into a shit-eating grin and nods.

they hear the ice cream bell more than ten paces before they see the truck. it resonates melodically down the quiet and peaceful avenue, making jackson's mouth water with anticipation. this time, he knows better than to judge it by its looks and only order one scoop.

they both order vanilla again, but jackson adds one scoop of chocolate to his cone. mark doesn't even let go of his hand to pay, instead fishing a few crumpled notes from his pocket with his left hand. jackson can see that he's handed the seller much more than the cost again.

the elderly man doesn't seem to have changed one bit, looking weathered and worn out in his thin wifebeater and straw hat, skin deeply tanned by the sun. the wrinkles on his face crease as he smiles at them, eyes twinkling and accepts mark's tip without much protest. jackson wonders if he remembers them from the year before. but he doubts it, since the vendor is so old and there must be tens of boys wearing their school uniform who buy ice cream from him everyday. but he rethinks his conclusion when the man generously gives him rainbow sprinkles over his ice cream and wishes them a good afternoon as they leave.

mark finishes his cone first. jackson had noticed the last time that as opposed to some people who had the habit of licking their ice cream, mark actually took bites of it as if the cold didn't hurt his teeth. but today, jackson can't deny that he's flicking his tongue a little more suggestively than usual as he feels mark's gaze being drawn towards him trailing it slowly over the melting ice cream, then sucking his fingers one by one loudly.

mark's fingers tighten nervously around his, and he clears his throat. jackson hides a smirk and pretends not to notice. when mark finishes his ice cream, jackson casually offers him a bite of chocolate. mark hesitates, but at jackson's eager eyes leans forward obligingly to take a small nibble. he seems self-conscious under jackson's intent gaze and licks his lips, this time disarming jackson, who nearly drops his ice cream onto the asphalt.

jackson finishes the rest of it in a few large and quick licks, shoving the cone almost whole into his mouth and crunching down on it. he thinks he can feel mark's heart beating through his fingertips, the rabbit-quick thumping of his pulse in his wrist brushing jackson's. it's amusing how affected mark gets by his every little move and jackson just can't resist pushing his buttons sometimes.

but when he's licking his fingers clean distractedly after that, they abruptly hear the faint rumbling of an engine, growing closer and closer before a flashy sports car appears rounding the bend up ahead like it's in a drag race, burning rubber at a breakneck pace.

jackson feels mark's entire frame physically slamming against him, so fast does he grab jackson in his arms and pull him to the safety of the sidewalk. they slump breathlessly against each other, watching the car speed down the road and quickly disappear into the distance.

"fucking moron," mark curses under his breath, eyes narrowed and angry as he glares after it. it still surprises jackson when he swears because he does it so rarely. mark's arms are still tightly wound around him in an almost bruising grip.

"are you okay?" he looks down at jackson, eyes and voice softening immediately. jackson nods, feeling a little speechless and mark strokes his hair back in relief.

"y-you can let go of me now," jackson finally stutters, uncomfortably aware that they're locked in embrace on the road right outside their school gates in their uniforms. mark's eyes widen as he apparently seems to realize how crushingly he's hugging jackson.

"oh. sorry," he drops his arms instantly, shuffling to put a respectful distance between them again. jackson misses the feeling of mark's hand around his, but mark's face is flushed with embarrassment and jackson almost regrets saying what he said.

"it's just..." he tilts his head lamely in the direction of the school, feeling the need to explain.

mark nods quickly, comprehension dawning in his eyes, and something else like disappointment. jackson feels bad, but also slightly defensive. sure, he had told mark that he didn't mind the club members knowing, but the entire school knowing is a completely different thing. jackson isn't ready to go public in that way yet.

and besides, if they got caught they would be punished and humiliated. jackson doesn't want to think of how his mother would react if she got called to the school for something like this. he gulps uneasily.

luckily, mark seems to intuitively sense his worries, giving him a quietly reassuring smile. he keeps a careful distance from jackson as he doesn't take his hand again but beckons him in the direction of the bicycle rack.

"it's late," he says, "let's go home."

but later at night, when mark stops a distance from his house, he does touch jackson, taking his hand loosely again as he presses a chaste kiss to jackson's forehead in the hazy puddle of light beneath a mercury vapour lamp, with only the silent moon and the all-seeing stars as their witness.

jackson closes his eyes and savours the sensation, wishing that his forehead was his lips but not daring to initiate a real kiss again since that day at the planetarium. they had made out for the rest of the night, the stargazing forgotten as they moved their hands clumsily over each other's bodies and their lips clumsily over each other's mouths, rolling around on the cushions of beanbags. nearing the end they had gotten a little too heated and jackson had started feeling weird. mark had to stop with an effort too, his lips kiss-swollen and his eyes unfocused and drugged like he was intoxicated. he was breathing labouredly (they both were) and his hair was a complete mess but then he pulled the beanie back over it again and looked like he had just stepped out of a teen idol magazine.

neither of them could meet each other's eyes as they left the planetarium.

even so, kissing mark had been a mind-blowing experience. addicting, actually. and something jackson wouldn't say no to trying out a second time. or a third.

he may or may not be a little obssessed with thinking about mark's lips. which was why he had been playing those games with the ice cream, attempting to goad mark into noticing his lips too. but apparently mark found jackson's lips very resistable.

jackson pouts unconsciously, and only realizes what he's doing when mark's eyes snap down to his mouth. he quickly stops, feeling embarrassed and hastily turning away, but then a hand catches his fingers and stops him in his tracks.

when jackson turns back, the hunger in mark's darkening eyes makes his breath hitch. it flashes into his mind the memory of the morning a few days ago when jackson had woken up, panting loudly, with his underwear sticky and his face hot with shame.

of course, it wasn't the first time jackson had woken up with an erection or had wet dreams. he's a normal, hormonal teenage boy, after all.

but it was the first time those dreams had featured a boy.

remembering what mark's pretty pink lips had been doing to him in the dream now makes jackson's face burn feverishly. he can't bring himself to meet mark's eyes or he might be unable to hide this sordid, sacrilegious secret. jackson just wants to slink away, into the darkness and shadows where no one can see his twisted fantasies, back to his bedroom where he can jerk himself off under the blankets with the sensation of mark's lips still fresh on his forehead and no one will ever know.

so that's what he does, leaving mark standing alone under the street lamp with a muttered goodbye and without ever meeting his eyes.

that night, jackson finds himself thinking of mark in that space between reality and dreams, just before he falls asleep. he wonders if mark would've kissed him if jackson hadn't chickened out and ran away at the streetlamp. he wonders if mark would've tasted like vanilla ice cream.

it is a rare occasion that jackson's thoughts of mark aren't dirty and impure ones but innocent daydreams that make him giggle stupidly. he covers his face with his pillow to muffle his squeaks of crazed laughter and eventually, too wound up to fall asleep yet, picks up his phone and taps out a quick good night message to mark, followed by about ten random emoticons.

jackson stays awake for about fifteen minutes after that, eagerly waiting for his phone to vibrate, but it is disappointingly silent. mark has probably fallen asleep. jackson checks his watch and frowns. it's only eleven.

the next day, he doesn't see mark at school. it's not unusual because it's a wednesday and before they had started officially dating, they never saw each other everyday unless one of them went to the other's class to look for him. sometimes they just exchange text messages, but today jackson hasn't received any either. mark hadn't replied his goodnight message even in the morning and jackson figured he probably didn't know what to say since he saw it late.

he doesn't think much of it, but he does miss mark. surprisingly much. in a short span of time, he's become so attached to mark that it feels weird when he doesn't see mark for a few hours, like there's something missing. it's like he's suffering mark withdrawal and jackson laughs incredulously, mocking himself. you're so whipped, wang, he mutters under his breath self-deprecatingly.

even though they're in the same school, the same building, it still doesn't feel like mark's presence is close enough for comfort. in fact, knowing that mark is probably one storey down, listening to his teacher droning on about something, makes jackson ache with an even fiercer missing. he fidgets anxiously, unable to calm his jitters.

the moment the bell for recess rings, jackson has already sprung out of his seat. before jinyoung can ask where he's going, he's already sprinting out of class and down the stairs, heart pounding with anticipation. he wonders what kind of face mark will make when he sees jackson coming to look for him at his class. surprised? happy? excited? maybe he will even blush.

but when jackson skids to a breathless halt outside the back door of mark's classroom, he is puzzled and crestfallen to see mark's seat empty, his books strewn carelessly and half-open on the table, bag slung over the back of his chair. maybe he went to the restroom.

jackson lurks at the door, not knowing what to do, for a few minutes before he hears his name being called in a surprised voice.

jaebum is walking towards him, looking pleased to see him but questioning. "jackson-ah," he says, when he arrives at the back door, "are you looking for mark?"

"erm..." jackson stammers, bashful to say it out loud. he shifts his feet and studies the ground.

jaebum laughs, not unkindly. "he raced out as soon as the bell rang. i thought he was going to look for you."

"what?" jackson gasps, darting towards the parapet to peer up at the second floor. sure enough, he sees something that looks like mark's back view sticking his head into jackson's class.

jackson groans as jaebum looks amused. "you guys are more entertaining than a korean drama," he quips, shaking his head.

jackson flips him the middle finger and takes large strides towards the staircase again, starting to lose his stamina.

on his way down the corridor of the ground floor, he hears his name again and turns around, confused. it's called by a female voice and sure enough, he finds hani sitting in her class, waving at him with a big smile. "jackson? are you looking for me?"

"uhh..." jackson hesitates, not wanting to embarrass her in front of her girlfriends who are checking him out obviously and nudging hani as they explode in giggles.

"... y-yeah, i guess," jackson finishes, taking a resigned step into her classroom and giving up on chasing mark down. he's planning to give hani some quick excuse and leave quickly so he can get back to mark, but the moment he enters the classroom she warmly tugs him down onto the chair next to her and immediately her gaggle of friends are gathered around him, firing questions at him like an interrogation squad as if he's her boyfriend or something.

jackson is trying to field their questions one by one, harassed and distracted, when the commotion abruptly falls silent. he looks up in the direction the girls have turned their heads to see mark approaching his seat, looking thunderous.

he takes no notice of any of the girls, expression dark as he grabs jackson's arm roughly.

"i was looking for you," he said, voice low. "so you were here."

the accusation in his voice makes jackson draw back, immediately defensive. "no, i --"

"let's go," mark says, voice warning, and hani looks dumbfounded and confused as mark physically hauls jackson to his feet.

"sorry, i gotta go," jackson apologizes to her effusively. "i'll catch up with you later --"

"you won't," mark cuts in sharply, and jackson flinches. mark looks at hani then, and the glare that he levels her with can only be called cold.

jackson feels a mixture of annoyance and shock at mark's ungracious behavior. since when was mark so petty, especially towards girls? although mark isn't a flirt like jackson, he's always a consummate gentleman towards the girls in the club. his rudeness and embarrassing jackson in front of hani is unattractive, to say the least.

but mark looks unapologetic as he finally takes his eyes off hani and focuses on jackson again. they're narrowed and piercing, as though he's caught jackson cheating on him red-handed or something. it's absurd.

but before jackson can say anything else, mark is dragging him out of the classroom bodily, surprisingly strong. jackson lets himself be forcefully tugged down the corridor, mark's fingers pressing bruises into his arm until they reach the row of lockers on the first storey and he loses his temper too. he's had enough of being misunderstood and manhandled.

but when jackson shakes off mark's grasp, mark spins around with wide, panicked eyes, seeming to think that jackson is going to make a break for it and go back to hani's class or something. he catches jackson's arm in his tight grip again, and this time he grabs jackson's other wrist. at this unexpected violence, jackson instinctively retaliates, trying to squirm out of his grasp, but he is defeated by not being prepared that mark is stronger than him, overpowering him.

jackson is more surprised than hurt because he had naturally assumed that being bulkier than skinny, slender mark, he would have the advantage in strength. to stop his wildly flailing hands, mark slams him against the locker, his back hitting the steel with a loud thud that gives jackson the sickening feeling they might have dented it.

it's not so much painful as humiliating, but he sees the concern widen mark's eyes immediately, and guilt for treating jackson so roughly. but he doesn't loosen his grip on jackson's wrists, seeming to be confused about what to do but not wanting to let go as he pins jackson's wrists at his sides against the lockers and moves closer towards him, caging him between his arms.

behind them, a few students walk past, on their way to the cafeteria. jackson is aware of the curious looks they are attracting, and is starting to break out in a cold sweat because he doesn't know what mark is going to do next. he's never seen mark this mad before and can't predict his subsequent actions.

indeed, his worst fears come true as mark growls, "so you won't let me kiss you, but rushed out of class to hit on her the moment break started? what are you playing at, jackson wang?"

he spits out jackson's name, with none of the tenderness he uses when he says jia-er, and jackson flinches. he can't help noticing a few people gathering around them and whispering to each other. jackson feels his paranoia building. mark doesn't seem to notice or care about anything except drilling his eyes into jackson's demandingly.

"i --" jackson flounders, not knowing what to say to pacify mark. he had no idea mark was still so unconfident and insecure, feeling threatened by hani when jackson hadn't even had any relationship with her, just gave her one measly white day gift. but to be fair, he hadn't told mark clearly that he had never had a crush on her in the first place.

"people are staring," he hisses desperately. "can we talk later, in private?"

mark makes a sneering kind of noise. jackson hasn't heard it before and doesn't like it.

"no," he says coolly. "let them stare. i want everyone to know who you belong to."

jackson can't believe mark -- mark tuan who can't even say boo to a goose -- just said that. he is still recovering from the shock when mark's eyes are an inch away from his again, dark with that familiar hunger from last night, his mouth covering jackson's with a brutality that wasn't there during their first clumsy, innocent kiss. mark kisses him sloppily this time, teeth knocking, hot and wet and filthy -- too filthy to be seen in public, by the crowd of almost ten people gathered around them. jackson is dimly aware that right now he is kissing a boy, kissing mark, against the lockers in school during break in plain sight of the whole world and their mothers. with tongue. jackson feels a thread of saliva trailing between their open mouths as mark breaks away for air for a second with a wet popping sound, then attacks jackson's mouth again, and squeezes his eyes shut in abject horror and mortification, unable to continue looking at the other students' judgmental eyes.

he prays that when he opens his eyes, he will be in bed and this will just be another freaky nightmarish wet dream. instead, what he sees is his fencing coach and their physical education teacher, whom he respects greatly, standing in front of them and staring in horror and disbelief.

"jackson wang?" he says hoarsely, as if he doesn't recognize jackson, and jackson is so freaked out that he manages to push mark away for a second, taking him by surprise. mark stumbles back, wiping his lips with the back of his hand and looking wrecked and dazed again.

later that afternoon, jackson feels an ironic sense of deja vu as they trudge towards detention, taking the same route as the first two days they had met more than a year ago. he doesn't know about mark, but he had never been to detention since then and never expected to be sent there again. but he's thankful that his coach had let them off with a warning and agreed not to call their parents if they promised never to commit such "indecent acts" on school grounds again. jackson had apologized and thanked his coach profusely for showing leniency, knowing that he was favouring jackson because jackson is one of his most promising fencers. but mark had just stood beside jackson, his face blank and looking like he didn't give a flying fuck whether or not he got expelled. it was infuriating and jackson had elbowed him hard until he heard mark inhale in surprised pain at jackson's viciousness.

thankfully the locker had not been visibly damaged but jackson can't say the same for his reputation. he imagines rumours spreading around the school like wildfire at this very minute. by tomorrow morning possibly the whole school will know that jackson and mark are gay and a couple. jackson isn't ashamed of this fact, but he hadn't quite wanted it to be revealed in such an ugly way.

he sneaks a sideways glance at mark, feeling his resentment throbbing. just for some stupid impulse, mark had messed up both their reputations and acted in such an off-putting way. jackson literally cannot see anything in mark that he was attracted to initially at this point.

he knows that mark's quietness is both a blessing and a curse, as he tends to bottle up not only positive feelings but also negative ones. they end up simmering beneath the surface, without any outlet until they explode at inappropriate times, making him act irrationally. mark's dependability has always been one of the things that jackson loves most about him and he still can't get over the discovery that mark is capable of acting so unpredictably too.

they are both sullen and scruffy as they hand over their detention slips mutely, their shirts untidily untucked and the bruises from mark's fingers still blooming faintly on jackson's wrists, his hair as messily tousled and unkempt as mark's. jackson runs his tongue over his lower lip when he feels a jab of pain and is surprised to taste blood. they look like they've just been in a scuffle and the teacher in charge of detention probably thinks they were sent here for exchanging blows. in fact, that would be preferable. it's the same teacher who had supervised their detention the previous year and jackson wonders if she remembers them. he wonders if she can tell how much has changed between them, between then and now.

but in addition, mark still looks frustrated as he settles down two seats away from jackson, keeping his distance in an aloof manner that makes jackson's heart tighten and staring straight ahead at the whiteboard. jackson gives up trying to make eye contact with him.

he wonders if mark had enjoyed the kiss. jackson would never admit that he enjoyed a forced kiss even a single bit, but if he did, it was only because it was with mark. he could do without the voyeurism and use a bit more gentleness and preparation. jackson gazes helplessly at the set of mark's clenched jaw and despairs again as he tries to think of a way to explain the misunderstanding.

because he had been too gutless to look at mark's face the night before when jackson rebuffed him, he hadn't seen his expression but now jackson realizes that mark had probably taken it harder than he meant to and been bothered over it all night. if he had known it would end like this, jackson would have overcome his shyness and let mark kiss him as many times as he wanted. he would've reassured mark and let him know that he had no need to worry at all because jackson was absolutely smitten and besotted with him and no one else. jackson swallows over the lump rising in his throat and blinks back the salty prickle of tears pushing at his eyes.

ever since they had started going out, mark isn't alone in acting inexplicably and emotionally. jackson feels the same violent mood swings and unvented frustration too. but he wishes he could find a way to tell mark how fragile, how very brittle and ephemeral this budding relationship is. so easily destroyed that jackson doesn't even know how to begin to protect it. no matter how strong their feelings for each other, ultimately, they are merely seventeen years old. mark isn't even eighteen yet and discretion is the only way jackson can think of to protect this forbidden and taboo relationship. it's not that he doesn't have urges and desires too. it's just that this is too precious to him to throw away for one careless kiss, one thoughtless embrace.

but most importantly, jackson doesn't want their tentatively beginning relationship to affect mark's college entrance exams in any way. he knows how important they are to all the third-year students and that they will determine mark's future.

mark doesn't try to kiss him anymore after the locker incident. he still fetches jackson home on tuesdays and they exchange random texts approximately every other day, but they seem to have reverted back to the awkward but comfortable tandem of friendship again. jackson is slightly relieved, though still frequently tormented by graphic dreams of mark. he wants more, but is afraid to step out of the safety of his comfort zone. mark also seems to have gotten his urges and impulses under control, never acting out of line again after that day.

the day before their first mock papers, jackson goes with jinyoung to a buddhist temple in the suburbs of taipei to offer incense and request amulets for successful studies and results of flying colours. jinyoung visits jaebum's house that night to pass it to him, but jackson only has the chance to slip it to mark on the next day, twenty minutes before the examination.

mark looks pale and unconfident when jackson sees him huddled at his desk doing last-minute cramming, but he brightens a little when he sees jackson. his face lights up with genuine delight when jackson produces the amulet and slips it into his hand, their fingers brushing for the briefest moment. mark's touch lingers on his wistfully, as if he wants to hold jackson's hand a minute longer, but he doesn't.

"what's this?" he studies it curiously.

"it's a good luck charm," jackson explains.

"oh. thanks," mark says gratefully, and smiles at jackson guilelessly. it brings jackson back to the days when their friendship was uncomplicated by deeper feelings yet and his chest aches.

"don't worry," he whispers, patting mark's shoulder awkwardly. "you studied so hard, i'm sure you're going to do great. jiayou!"

mark smiles and nods, looking slightly more encouraged. he clutches the amulet tightly in his hand and shoves it into his pocket. he clears his throat and shuffles his notes again, and jackson takes it as his cue to leave.

but as he is exiting the class, he hears mark's voice calling his name softly. "jia-er."

when he turns, mark's eyes are glimmering warmly at him. he doesn't say anything, just lifts the amulet to his lips and kisses it with quiet tenderness, and jackson feels his knees buckling.

+ i'm sorry i had to extend this to 6 chapters because i couldn't fit the rest of the fic into one i'm trash hahaha
+ belated HBD to my lovely bias mark! :)

part 5