ennui
title: ennui
pairing: jb/junior
rating: nc-17
summary: (canon) jinyoung has taught jaebum that some things are worth waiting for.
notes: happy jjp day! for xfragments and noisestorms :)
How could you give your love to someone else,
and share your dreams with me?
- Save the Best for Last, Vanessa Williams
It starts when Jaebum is watching Jinyoung's first acting gig in an actual drama, not a promotional vehicle funded by JYP. Or maybe it had started in said promotional vehicle, more than two years ago. Then, Jinyoung had played a supporting character to Jaebum's leading role, content to stand in the sidelines and reflect the spotlight back at Jaebum, watching him shine, but this time Jaebum is the one sitting on the couch with the other members and watching riveted as Jinyoung acts his heart out on national TV, tears glistening in his sparkling eyes, skin still glimmering like a dewy Face Shop advertisement even while his face is marred by mud stains and an ugly band-aid.
The rustling and hisses of the maknaes squabbling over the popcorn and crunching the crisps loudly fade into white noise as Jaebum watches with his mouth hanging open and his eyes unblinking. Even Jackson stops his mile-a-minute chattering to pay attention to Jinyoung at an especially emotional scene.
"He's a natural," Mark pipes up for the first time after being quiet all evening, calm and observant as usual, summarizing all their thoughts with one concise sentence. Yugyeom tosses a peanut into the air and Bambam fails to catch it in his mouth as he is distracted by Jinyoung letting out an anguished cry onscreen.
Or maybe it had started the first time Jaebum saw Jinyoung dance -- not during their audition but three years later when they were put together into a project group and started rehearsing together for Bounce, which was an upbeat song that required both intensive singing and dancing, as well as co-ordination.
The co-ordination part was especially important, as numerous parts of the choreography relied on them matching each other's to beat-perfect precision. The dance was as much a duet as the song was, and strangely the fact that they were a unit of merely two seemed to serve to emphasize the necessity for synchronicity rather than lower it.
It wasn't a piece of cake to them, but it was possible. They were both hardworking, chosen because they were the most promising trainees in the company, paired up because their instructors had noticed their compatibility. Ever since they day they had met and decided to team up by fluke, Jaebum had realized that he clicked with Jinyoung more than anybody in the company. Thankfully, Jinyoung seemed to share the sentiment.
Although Jinyoung impressed Jaebum the first time he saw him dance, the subsequent times Jaebum watched him, first in studios then in the JJ Project practice room then onstage, he blew Jaebum away a little more every single time.
Because every time he danced, Jinyoung put in a little more effort. He wasn't content with just mastering the choreography. He had to give his absolute best, improve in every possible aspect, aim for superhuman perfection. He had to dance till he was on the floor on his back, chest heaving and panting audibly, shirt so soaked through with sweat it was translucent. He had to dance until he couldn't walk anymore, couldn't even stand. Only then would he stop. When he had to. Any time before that was too early.
Jaebum sees Jinyoung's years of hard work in the beautifully-sculpted muscles of his back, the lean toned length of his body with no excess fat. Jinyoung is a perfectionist and Jaebum understands that. He gets it, because he's one too.
Then again, maybe it was the first time Jaebum heard Jinyoung sing. Jaebum had always been relatively proud of his own voice, knowing it was his strength, but the first time he heard Jinyoung sing, hoarse and lilting, it put Jaebum to shame. Jaebum listened to a vast and eclectic range of music, both Korean and Western, and he idolized many singers. But when he heard Jinyoung singing at the open auditions, his voice untrained but achingly pristine, for the first time, Jaebum fell in love at first listen.
Perhaps Jinyoung's vocal techniques weren't perfect. Maybe his control wasn't that stable yet and his voice cracked sometimes at the higher pitches. But there was an indefinable quality about Jinyoung's voice -- husky, dulcet, haunting. It seemed to be made of air and Jaebum felt like all the air in the room had been sucked into the notes ringing out from Jinyoung's mouth, so it was suddenly hard to breathe.
(Or maybe it was the way Jinyoung had looked the first time he heard Jaebum sing -- like the ground had been tugged out from beneath his feet, his mouth hanging open slightly and his jaw unhinged. His eyes glowing with amazement and disbelief and... worship.)
Or maybe it was the first time he saw Jinyoung eat, with a healthy and unabashed appetite and childlike delight. Or the first time he saw Jinyoung sleep, soundly and blissfully, with a small smile still curling the edges of his plush lips like he was having a sweet dream. Or the first time he saw Jinyoung reading, his eyes serious behind oversized glasses, a book so thick it made Jaebum's head dizzy perched on his knee as he licked a finger and flipped the page. Every time Jaebum saw Jinyoung eat, sleep and read these six years since they met, he felt inexplicably joyful.
Because Jinyoung did everything with such an infectious and uplifting happiness and warmth. He was so enthusiastic about everything, although he had matured indefinably as they both grew up. It did little to dim his passion for living, laughing and breathing.
And just like five years ago, Jaebum is still breathless keeping up with him.
Jinyoung is an enigma, a paradox. He's so sensitive, intelligent and thoughtful, but breathtakingly playful and mischievous. He's confident and cocky, but vulnerable and easily injured. He's mature, yet possesses a childish naivete. He's sarcastic and snarky, but way too kind and soft-hearted for his own good.
It's no secret that Jaebum has wanted to protect Jinyoung ever since the day they met. Just like Jinyoung automatically called him hyung, the honorific slipping off his tongue so naturally and smoothly it seemed he had been saying it his entire life. Just like Jinyoung looked up to him unquestioningly, respected him unconditionally, and obeyed and deferred to him in all matters. Jaebum wanted to deserve Jinyoung's adulation. He felt entitled to it, more than anyone else.
And Jaebum hopes that he has succeeded in being a good example to Jinyoung, guiding him as an exemplary leader. He hopes that he has managed to make, however small, a positive difference in Jinyoung's life.
When Jinyoung reassures him of that nearing the ending of the filming of igot7, at fanmeetings, in magazine interviews, Jaebum feels gratified and relieved that he hasn't let Jinyoung down.
Beautiful, trusting Jinyoung. Who could ever bear to disappoint him? Jaebum knows he's not the only one who wants to give Jinyoung the world on a plate, the moon and more.
Outwardly, Jinyoung may seem to have grown up drastically and rapidly in these two years to the others. But Jaebum can see that beneath the slick and airbrushed exterior, Jinyoung is still very much the eighteen-year-old teenage boy that he was in 2012, trailing at Jaebum's heels and shrinking away from the screaming crowd as they disembarked the van at another JJ Project fansign, doggedly shadowing Jaebum even back at the dorm with his incessant and irreverent chatter, Jaebum-hyung this and Jaebum-hyung that, refusing to be shaken off no matter how much Jaebum tried.
He has just learnt to disguise his uncertainty and gawkiness a little better.
Back then, they had spent every waking minute together. But with a start, Jaebum realizes that they still do. It's just not as obvious because five other boys have joined them now. Jaebum has always been very particular about his personal space. But somehow, it hadn't mattered so much when it came to Jinyoung. Jinyoung is like an extension of Jaebum's body, someone whose proximity comforts him more than it unsettles him. Jaebum can't imagine sharing the same air as anyone else for six years, besides Jinyoung.
But nowadays, more and more, Jaebum wonders if he's just telling himself that he knows Jinyoung better than anybody else. He wonders if it's true, or he's just deceiving himself. Maybe that's just what he likes to think, and he doesn't know Jinyoung any better than Mark or Jackson or Youngjae or Yugyeom or Bambam.
Jaebum tries to convince himself that he's being oversuspicious, making a big deal over nothing, but when Jinyoung blows past him like he's air in the dorm again Jaebum feels a cold sinking in the pit of his stomach.
"Jinyoung." The word is out of his mouth before he can stop it, petulant and demanding for attention. Challenging Jinyoung to ignore it, to ignore Jaebum for the first time in six years.
Jaebum feels a wave of ridiculous relief as Jinyoung's hasty footsteps scuff hesitantly to a stop, turning around slowly. "Yes, hyung?" he says, looking at Jaebum finally.
Jaebum tries to analyze the two simple words, the million inflections and tones of Jinyoung's voice that he has come to know so well. But for some reason, he finds them frustratingly inscrutable, like Jinyoung's impassive dark eyes.
In the end, Jaebum is the one who shifts his gaze away first from the intensity of Jinyoung's gaze. He wishes Jinyoung would say something to break the ice, lighten the tension and take control of the conversation effortlessly the way he's always done, bubbling over with things he wants to tell Jaebum and jokes he wants to share. Jinyoung knows, Jaebum thinks with resentment. He knows that it's his job to speak, between them. Just like it's Jaebum's role to listen.
I love listening to you more than anyone in the world, Jaebum wants to say, looking at Jinyoung's questioning eyes. He wonders if that will make a difference, if those will be the words that make Jinyoung's eyes light up and blush, whining Hyung! You're so cheesy, his flashing dimples betraying his pleasure.
"Do you want to..." Jaebum swallows, the words dancing on the tip of his tongue. Watch a movie? Listen to music? Make a meal? Together?
"... do something...?" Jaebum eventually spits out lamely, saving himself from sounding like a complete fool by adding almost inaudibly but hopefully, "Together?"
Something in Jaebum's chest loosens and soars at the way Jinyoung's eyes widen with surprise and light up with genuine delight, but it plummets when Jinyoung presses his lips together and drops his gaze, an unreadable but complicated emotion shrouding his features. The reluctance in his eyes is unmistakable as he raises them to Jaebum's again, wordlessly apologetic. He lifts the hangul guidebook in his hand. "Sorry. I said I'd coach Mark-hyung with his vocabulary and idioms."
"Oh." Jaebum feels like someone just bumped hard into his chest, and the air is temporarily slammed out of him. "Okay." He struggles to keep his voice even, nonchalant. "It's cool. I'll just... cook the kids something... since I have nothing else to do. Alone."
He swivels on his heel before catching Jinyoung's answer or expression, too cowardly and embarrassed to. His face is burning slightly. Could he have sounded any more pathetic if he tried? Alone? Nothing else to do? Jaebum groans. He might as well have announced to Jinyoung that he had no life. Which... wasn't necessarily false, but completely unnecessary for Jinyoung to know.
Mercifully, Jinyoung doesn't reply, and after a few paces Jaebum hears his retreating footsteps too. He heaves a sigh of relief and heads for the kitchen, trapped in his impromptu fib. He'll just whip up something for the maknaes. It's not like he has anything better to do anyway, since Jinyoung is busy. He had purposefully stayed up late the previous night to finish all his work and practice, hoping to free up a space today to ask Jinyoung this question. It had taken Jaebum weeks to work up the courage to approach Jinyoung, and he had finally decided to broach the subject straight out. But Jaebum thinks with a weighty heart that he probably doesn't need to ask the question in his mind. The answer is obvious.
The only thing that could possibly make Jaebum feel any lower at this moment is to hear the awkward and regretful words, I'm sorry, hyung. We've just drifted apart in Jinyoung's soft and sympathetic voice.
But later, as Jaebum is putting the finishing touches on his jjigae, which is boiling cheerily on the stove and wafting delicious aromas around the kitchen, a head pops tentatively into the door.
"It smells heavenly," Jinyoung remarks, grinning as the rest of his body appears, leaning against the wall with his hip jutting out.
Jaebum can't help his pleased blush, ducking his head to hide it. He will never tire of Jinyoung complimenting his culinary skills. "Do you want to have a taste?" he blurts out before he can think, cursing inwardly when that conflicted, hesitant expression darkens Jinyoung's eyes again. He had almost forgotten, thought they were comfortable again, and reverted back to their old and thoughtless banter.
But then Jinyoung clears the reservation from his eyes with an effort and pastes on a cheerful, broad smile. "Can I?" He bats his lashes teasingly, Jaebum laughs, and the moment passes.
The steam puffing from the pot engulfs his face as Jaebum carefully adjusts the flame, vaguely registering Jinyoung's approaching footfalls. When he turns, Jinyoung is right behind him, a hair's breadth away, so close that Jaebum can see every separate eyelash and the pores on his skin. He leaps backward in alarm, and Jinyoung's arm instantly rises up between him and the stove, his hand settling gently on the small of Jaebum's back.
They hold their breaths for a second, releasing them together when they both turn to find the pot still sitting undisturbed, none of the soup spilled. Jinyoung hasn't seemed to move back and his eyes are tight with worry as they run over Jaebum's face, searching his own. His hand moves down the side of Jaebum's body to rest lightly on his hip, holding him steady. "Are you okay?" he says, tone softly scolding. "Be careful."
"I --" Jaebum stutters, his face flaming from the now billowing clouds of steam. The soup gurgles noisily and he hurriedly disentangles himself from Jinyoung's arms, setting a distance between them cautiously. He lowers his gaze studiously to the food as he puts on an oven mitt, turns off the stove and carefully picks up the pot. Jinyoung gives him space and doesn't distract him but after Jaebum has fetched it to the kitchen table, he plops down on one of the chairs eagerly.
"I thought you were going to give me a taste," he says playfully, and is that a whine Jaebum hears in his voice? He bites his lip to keep from smiling, but obligingly grabs a spoon and skims a spoonful of jjigae from the top, bringing it slowly without spilling to his mouth to blow on it.
Jinyoung watches his actions impatiently, opening his mouth obediently when Jaebum flies the spoon into his mouth like an airplane. Jaebum can't resist laughing this time. "You're such a baby."
Jinyoung smacks his lips and beams sunnily, as if Jaebum has just given him a compliment. "It tastes as good as it looked," he pronounces, and Jaebum swells with pride. He doesn't know how Jinyoung makes every compliment he gives sound so sincere and thoughtful and clever -- perhaps because of how educated and well-read he is. All Jaebum knows is that he wishes for Jinyoung's praise more than anyone else's and values it above anything else.
Jinyoung continues gazing silently at him, his chin propped on his fists as Jaebum busily lays the table and unties his apron, and Jaebum tries not to let his nervousness show. Jinyoung's quiet, observing gaze following him around the kitchen is strangely unnerving and Jaebum is more aware of it than he should be.
"Where's Mark?" he asks offhandedly to break the stilted silence and draw away the intensity of Jinyoung's gaze for awhile.
Jinyoung raises an eyebrow, but replies dutifully, "In his room."
"Did you guys... finish the vocabulary?" Jaebum asks meaningfully, trying to sound Jinyoung out if it was just an excuse.
Jinyoung looks at him, lips curling into a smile that Jaebum can't decipher but makes his cheeks heat up and his stomach knot. "We got quite a bit done," Jinyoung just says cryptically, and Jaebum feels more befuddled than ever.
As he watches Jinyoung swat Jackson's hands and his protests away, firmly ladling out heaping bowls for the three maknaes before he allows Mark and Jackson to help themselves, Jaebum thinks of this awkwardness between them that has developed sometime between Got7's debut and their first anniversary. Sometimes Jinyoung is distant and detached, aloof and closed up. But then other times, like today, he's warm and teasing and friendly and playful, his smiles so open and sweet that Jaebum thinks the distance was entirely his imagination.
But then Jinyoung looks up over all their heads, catching him watching, and Jaebum sees that familiar look in his eyes again. Like... like a deer caught in headlights. Jaebum wonders why that phrase popped into his head. But it's definitely there, this sudden tension, and Jaebum has no idea what he did to cause it.
Later, Jaebum lies in his room, staring into the darkness and thinking. His mind keeps returning to that one brief second -- the second Jinyoung was in his personal space, too close, so close Jaebum's eyelashes could've brushed his cheek if he blinked.
At that moment, his senses had been completely saturated and overwhelmed by the sheer physical force of Jinyoung's presence, the solidity of the length of his hard body like a wall against Jaebum's, but now that Jaebum has had the time to process it, to register the minute details, he realizes a few things.
Firstly, Jinyoung had smelt good. Really good. In an unfamiliar way. For as long as Jaebum could remember, Jinyoung had used the same cologne. He was faithful to the brands he liked this way, never changing his tastes once he found one that caught his fancy. Had he changed his cologne? When? It's inconceivable that he could've done this without Jaebum knowing.
Secondly, Jinyoung's eyelashes were long. Really long. Way too long for a boy's. For God's sake, he should trim them or something. They were getting out of hand. Someone who didn't know him as well as Jaebum could very well mistake them for a girl's. And Jaebum is pretty sure he wasn't wearing mascara, or a stitch of makeup. He could see the pale pink blemishes and slightly bumpy skin on Jinyoung's cheeks.
Thirdly -- and this was the most shocking discovery -- Jinyoung was tall. Really tall. He had almost seemed to tower over Jaebum. Almost. But it was most probably an optical illusion, because Jinyoung wasn't taller than Jaebum, the last time they measured their heights. Months ago.
He can't be.
It's unthinkable, unacceptable. A dongsaeng taller than his hyung? Yugyeom's growth spurt was a big enough blow to Jaebum's pride but Jinyoung -- his most babyish dongsaeng Jinyoung -- taller than Jaebum? Jaebum snorts incredulously and shakes his head. Yes, an optical illusion. A very deceptive one, probably because Jinyoung had been tiptoeing and wearing his thickest socks. After all, they both weren't wearing shoes and even outdoors, Jinyoung seldom liked using insoles.
Jaebum breathes a muffled laugh again for good measure, just to hear himself. He doesn't feel much more reassured. Youngjae stirs in his sleep beside him, turning over. " --ung?" Jaebum whispers Shhh and strokes a cajoling hand over his hair, enough to lull him back into an exhausted slumber again.
The next morning, Jaebum flattens himself against the bathroom wall with his toothbrush wedged between his teeth as Jinyoung charges in like a bulldozer. "Urghnn?" Jaebum squawks, eyes wide and petrified as Jinyoung unceremoniously shoves down his pants and starts peeing into the toiletbowl, half-asleep.
Jinyoung turns at the noise, his drooping eyelids flying open comically when he sees Jaebum standing at the sink, mouth dripping toothpaste foam. "AAAAHHHH!!!" his hysterical scream resounds through the dorm, bringing a melee of doors creaking and feet shuffling and sleepy disgruntled heads poking around the door.
"What happened, hyung?" Yugyeom drones tiredly. By now, Jinyoung has pulled up his pants and Jaebum is facing the mirror, his eyes focused on a spot at the top. At first, when Jinyoung hauled his pants and boxers up with astonishing velocity, Jaebum had spun around to face the wall to give him privacy, only to find a mirror there which reflected Jinyoung behind him perfectly. He quickly snapped his eyes up to the wall above the mirror, feeling his face colouring hotly.
Turning back to address the members in the doorway now, he notices that Jinyoung's cheekbones are also flushed a dusty pink the way they do from exertion after practice when he gets hot and sweaty, the tips of his ears a much deeper shade, like he's freezing in winter without a muffler.
"Uh, I, um," Jinyoung stutters, at an uncharacteristic loss for words. Jaebum quickly comes to his rescue. "There was a cockroach in the toilet bowl," he explains, and Bambam claps a horrified hand over his mouth. Youngjae makes a disgusted face, and Yugyeom still looks grumpy but at least convinced. Jinyoung shoots him a look of grateful relief, looking pale. Jackson is staring between both of them with a shrewd gaze and annoying smirk and Jaebum grabs a towel from the rack and flings it at his face. Mark plucks it off and wipes his own face, rolling his eyes as he breezes out with the others on his heels.
Jaebum finds himself alone with Jinyoung again in the bathroom, both of them still blushing like fiends. Mortifyingly, painfully alone.
"I, I need to use the toilet," Jaebum babbles at the same time Jinyoung blurts out, "I'm done."
"Oh, good," Jaebum practically exclaims, helpfully shoving Jinyoung out of the door as he dives out of the bathroom like Jaebum has just declared he has a venereal disease. Jaebum slams the door unnecessarily loudly and winces.
Jaebum is leaning against the wall, his limbs rubbery and his heart racing weakly, when a pounding makes him jump out of his skin. He turns the doorknob and cracks opens the door to reveal Jinyoung with a fist raised halfway and his other hand braced on the doorframe, looking panicked.
"W-what?" Jaebum squeaks, confused, his heart somersaulting for a moment as he entertains the thought that Jinyoung might not be done. With him.
Instead of answering, Jinyoung blushes even more violently and dashes to the toilet, pounding his hand down on the flush button. After the toilet has flushed loudly in the plunging silence, Jinyoung rushes out with equal furtiveness, not having met Jaebum's eyes once.
Jaebum places a hand on his feverish cheek. He wouldn't have minded flushing for Jinyoung. He has done so any number of times, with even bigger business than this. A few times, Jinyoung had even called him for help when the sewage pipe got plugged up and they didn't want to call a plumber because they had an image to upkeep as idols.
They had worked together to unclog the pipe until both their hands were filthy and they stunk of sweat and unidentifiable putrid odours. Even then, all Jaebum can remember is laughing till his stomach hurt as they rejoiced on managing to repair the flush by themselves and showered together to get rid of the smell.
What had happened between then and now? Jaebum finds himself staring sadly at his toothbrush, mechanically filling his mug with water from the tap to rinse his mouth. It seemed just like yesterday that Jinyoung hadn't cared about how he looked or what he did in front of Jaebum. Jaebum had thought they were the kind of friends who could fart and puke and do all those gross bodily functions in front of each other. But maybe he was the only one who felt that way.
"That sure was an effective wake-up call," Mark grouches as Jaebum finally appears at the breakfast table. Jinyoung is shovelling a bowl of oatmeal into his mouth, his head bent but two faint rosy circles blossoming visibly on his upper cheeks at Mark's words.
Jaebum feels a sudden, vicious urge to snap at Mark, to say something rude and unleaderlike that would make Mark's face fall. He feels oddly uncomfortable with Mark's ability to make Jinyoung blush with one choice word, one simple sentence. Mark is so effortlessly funny, so drily witty and enviably handsome. He's older than Jaebum and his English is better. Jaebum has always nursed a subtle jealousy towards him, like all the other members. But this rivalry is something new.
Jackson chortles loudly, sending Jaebum a broad wink which he pretends not to see and making impolite slurping sounds as he drains his orange juice. Bambam squeals innocently, "You planned all that just to wake us up, hyung?"
Yugyeom chuckles and ruffles his hair. Jaebum sighs and takes a seat beside Mark to gulp down whatever food he can force into his laced-up throat.
Clambering aboard the van, Jinyoung seems strangely listless and Mark gives him a helpful boost up the step. He throws himself onto the seat and scoots his butt towards the window, gazing out with his chin propped on his palm and eyelashes fluttering drowsily. Mark is about to climb up and sit down next to him when Jaebum elbows him out of the way.
Mark squints up at him, puzzled, but shakes his head and climbs in next to Jackson instead. Jaebum avoids his look, not knowing how to explain his action except that he didn't want Mark next to Jinyoung when he's helpless and sleepy and vulnerable like that.
He doesn't know why, but he doesn't want Jinyoung falling asleep on Mark's broad shoulder.
Objectively, Jaebum has nice shoulders as well. He feels proud of his own shoulders and biceps, which are suitably sturdy and ripped. But Mark is a strong contender, and Jinyoung is way too comfortable around Mark. More comfortable than he is around Jaebum, Jaebum's traitorous mind sometimes thinks.
He doesn't want to compare. Comparison is petty and small-hearted and pointless. But Jaebum can't help it. He's so used to being Jinyoung's top priority, his first choice, that second place is something that is offensive to him.
Predictably, Jinyoung does fall asleep on Jaebum's shoulder. Jaebum wakes him reluctantly and gently when they arrive at the JYP building. "We're here, Jirongie," he whispers in Jinyoung's ear, carefully soft and out of earshot of the others as they tumble noisily out.
Jinyoung stirs, murmuring. His eyes flutter open, lips curving up into a contented smile when he registers Jaebum. "Hyung," Jinyoung whispers, still half dreaming, and the single word in his deep, mellow voice sends a shudder through somewhere deep inside Jaebum.
He can't remember how long it's been since Jinyoung has called him this honorific, this -- term of endearment, in a voice as trusting and automatic as this. Like breathing. He had breathed Jaebum's name like it was the very oxygen he needed to survive.
Jaebum supports Jinyoung's heavy and sleep-warm body as he stumbles clumsily out of the van, clicking his tongue like a mother hen. "Were you up late reading again last night?" he can't help nagging.
Jinyoung offers him a cheeky, adorable smile. "Nope. I was thinking."
"Thinking of what?" Jaebum says patiently, straggling after the others and slamming the van door closed with one hand.
"Who," Jinyoung mumbles under his breath, and Jaebum has to ask him to repeat.
But Jinyoung merely smiles enigmatically, able to stand on his own feet now and grabbing Jaebum's hand with a strong, cool and callused one. For some reason, for the first time, his hand envelops Jaebum's fully like a glove designed to fit snugly to the contours of his palm. Which is utterly ludicrous because Jaebum's hand has always been bigger than Jinyoung's.
"Let's go," Jinyoung says softly, tugging Jaebum into motion.
And so the ensuing days progress much like this, Jinyoung blowing hot and cold, retreating and advancing in an incomprehensible pattern, seeming to let down his guard when he's tired and more vulnerable, but putting the walls back up when he's tense.
Jaebum is beyond confused now. He's utterly bewildered.
And maybe a little hurt.
He wants to say something, throw the unspoken and loaded words out into the open, finally ask for an answer from Jinyoung, an explanation, wants to cover up the gaping holes and the cringeworthy awkwardness with effusive assurances and resolved misunderstandings.
But something stops him, every time. Something in Jinyoung's eyes seems to be pleading with Jaebum not to put a name to this, not to say it out into the open, because it might just dissolve intangibly in the air. But Jinyoung looks like he's afraid of something far larger than that, something that tightens the corners of his eyes and makes his smiles grow forced and pinched.
But Jaebum holds on, because at the rare times that Jinyoung does smile with his eyes, it's so devastating that it's worth the other hundred smiles that he didn't.
Jaebum doesn't know how long he can keep this bottled up inside him, though. Jaebum has never been known for his patience and forbearance, more for his quick temper and rash impulse. But Jaebum surprises himself with how tenacious he can be when it comes to Jinyoung. Maybe Jinyoung has taught him something about waiting. Maybe he has taught Jaebum that some things are worth waiting for.
Three years ago, when Jaebum was far from the leaderly figure he is now, miles away, Jinyoung had been the one who had talked him through the steps. At that time, Jaebum had no idea what self-control was or how to rein in his most basic impulses. It was Jinyoung, Jinyoung who eye-smiled and preened in front of the cameras like he was a vapid bubbly maknae, who taught Jaebum the most important lesson about leading.
He was the reason that Jaebum had become a leader, had developed any leadership qualities at all, had had the desire or the confidence to take on five other rowdy boys and carry the weight of all their worlds on his shoulders.
Because he wanted Jinyoung to be proud of him. Because he wanted Jinyoung to remain free to grow up unencumbered, or at least as unencumbered as he could be.
And when he was rewarded with Jinyoung's carefree, gleeful smile, Jaebum thought with conviction that his sacrifice was worth it.
From the start, it was a toss up between him and Jinyoung to be the leader of Got7. Mostly because of their two extra years of experience, but also because Mark and Jackson were not only foreigners, but the former was too quiet and the latter too flighty. The three youngest were out of the question.
And Jaebum knew without a shadow of a doubt that Jinyoung would have been an amazing leader, given the chance. He would lead wisely, with a fist of iron and a heart of gold, with benevolence and compassion and empathy and understanding.
Without question, he would have been a far better leader than Jaebum.
But Jaebum couldn't bear to let him do it.
Jinyoung deserved to be a child. He had already had so much of his childhood taken away from him, giving up games and fun at the tender age of fifteen to start chasing after his dream. When Jaebum had first seen Jinyoung at the auditions, he had been startled at how impossibly young Jinyoung looked. Even after he had found out they were almost the same age, he still continued seeing Jinyoung that way -- as a younger brother, someone to be protected and shielded, breaking his falls. Jaebum wasn't much older than Jinyoung, but he couldn't help feeling stronger and personally responsible for him because Jinyoung seemed so susceptible and uncorrupted and sheltered.
And Jaebum knew that Jinyoung knew how much responsibility he had taken on, for him. Not because Jinyoung had even once mentioned his debt towards Jaebum. No, Jinyoung was too subtle for that.
Jaebum knew this from the mugs of honey tea he would find on his bedside table before he fell asleep, warm but not boiling hot, lovingly brewed, sliding down his sore throat and soothing it immeasurably. He knew this from the extra blanket he would find draped over his shoulders when he woke up on the first day of winter; from the rice that Jinyoung ladled into Jaebum's bowl from his own at mealtimes, claiming poor appetite. He knew this from the way Jinyoung's soft, sharp eyes never missed anything about him and the way Jinyoung took care of him -- quietly, gratefully, more loving than family.
Up till now, every little, unobtrusive gesture of Jinyoung's still never fails to bring the prickle of tears to Jaebum's eyes and a lump to his throat. Jaebum isn't a person who cries easily. But there's one person in the world who can bring him to tears with one word, who can make him smile with one laugh.
His best friend, Park Jinyoung.
And so, Jaebum waits with equal parts trepidation and anticipation, for the day the words will spring forth from his self-centred lips, unwilling to be repressed any further, unable to.
Why are you avoiding me?
Said out in his head, in cold, concrete terms, the question sounds unnecessarily harsh, confrontational. But Jaebum has never known how to be anything but. He has never been capable of subtlety. In this aspect, he's similar to Jackson.
Being with Jackson is different from being with Jinyoung -- it's fun, unstressful, silly and mindless. It's comfortable, and Jaebum can't remember the last time an encounter with Jinyoung could be described this way. Not that he's comparing or anything.
Maybe it's because of the lack of common history with Jackson, that provides this sense of comfort. No, he isn't being fair. He has trained alongside Jackson for years, known him for even longer. He is arguably, one of Jaebum's closest friends. It's just that -- next to what he has been through with Jinyoung, his shared history with everyone else seems pitiably meagre.
He can count the number of years he has known Jackson on his hand, but for Jinyoung -- it seems like Jaebum has been in this place by his side for as long as he can remember.
Jaebum wants to tell Jinyoung this when he sees Jinyoung looking at him in that way again at another ubiquitous fanmeet when Jackson is hanging off his arm, bubbling with raucous laughter. He wants to find the words to eloquently express his thoughts, but eloquent has never once been an adjective used to describe Jaebum.
Jinyoung is giving him that look -- the one where his eyebrows rush together and his eyes narrow and slant towards each other in a frown of dissatisfaction, glinting and flashing. He looks especially like a cat this way, so uncannily so that it takes Jaebum's breath away. Not that he has a kitty kink or fetish or anything, duh.
Jinyoung restrains himself when it's Youngjae, whom Jinyoung coos over like a mama bear and can't bring himself to envy anything about, be it his angelic voice or his closeness to Jaebum. But Jackson is a different matter.
Jackson is Jinyoung's contemporary, the only one of the same age in the group as him. Jaebum knows that he privately compares their progress, their talents in singing and dancing and rapping and variety and acting. Jinyoung has always taken pride in being the cream of the crop, surpassing his peers. So it's no surprise that he takes Jackson as a friendly rival.
But lately, Jaebum has been thinking that this is not the only reason. Perhaps it's his imagination but Jaebum thinks he sees a flicker of annoyance cross Jinyoung's usually placid, gentle eyes like a stone skimming across the surface of a lake, disturbing it for a millisecond.
Jinyoung is whip-smart, and that includes his control over his emotions. Jinyoung almost always schools his nebulous changes of emotion beneath a genial, broadly-smiling veneer, but Jaebum has learnt to attune himself to the most imperceptible shifts of Jinyoung's moods. On his most emotional days, Jinyoung can be as mercurial as Jackson. It's just that he hides it better.
Jinyoung thinks too deeply about everything and feels everything too deeply. He takes everyone's burdens onto his own shoulders and takes everything too personally, be it criticism or praise. Brooding isn't a word that people would typically use to describe Jinyoung, but Jaebum thinks he does it more than any of the members.
But then again, that's what Jaebum loves about Jinyoung. He loves that Jinyoung is younger than him but smarter than him; that he doesn't flaunt his knowledge but instead plays it down with humility and modesty. Jinyoung is so unassuming, so unpretentious even though he has every right to be a pretentious pompous ass. Sometimes Jaebum wishes he were. Maybe then, it would be a little easier to find a single flaw within him.
Jaebum finds everything about Jinyoung mesmerizing, from his cauliflower ears to his hidden-lidded eyes, his not unblemished but still milky skin, his pillowy lips and defined jaw and aquiline nose, his Adonis profile. He loves the way Jinyoung's outer cuteness is nothing compared to his inner cuteness, how he shines from the inside out and his eyes squinch up when he smiles foxlike.
Jinyoung is both an ingenue and an old soul, mature beyond his years and an overgrown kid. Jaebum marvels at how he can effortlessly switch roles from umma of their group to spoilt dongsaeng, wheedling Mark to treat him to meals shamelessly and making Jaebum laugh when he's trying to look stoic and serious. Even Jackson has no idea what to do with him or how to go about managing him, in the end settling on roughousing and manhandling.
Time passes. Days, weeks, months trickle by like sand in an hourglass. Jaebum continues to let the words simmer within him and with the passage of time he thinks that maybe he's accepted that certain things might be meant to be.
Maybe this is all they will have, all they can have -- stolen moments backstage, in the dorm, between rehearsals and performances and schedules and solo activities; choosing Jinyoung boldly over Nora onstage, in front of a million scrutinizing eyes and cameras; moments that are so diaphanous they are over before they have even begun.
And maybe, Jaebum is content. He has to be. He will be.
As long as Jinyoung goes on smiling like that, Jaebum doesn't have anything more to ask.
At least they're together, Jaebum thinks. And that they are, irrevocably, undeniably, inexorably. And if they can be together, does it really matter in what capacity they are?
Jaebum is twenty-three, and learning to be content.
Ironically in the end, just when Jaebum has decided to let go, to give up, it is Jinyoung who revives the embers of his dying flame.
It happens on an uneventful day when they both coincidentally don't have schedules, and the other five members are not in the dorm for some reason or another, some occupied with solo activities, others taking advantage of a rare free day to meet up with their family and non-celebrity friends.
It takes place on a completely unexpected day, at a completely unexpected time, but really, don't the most earth-shaking revelations usually occur at such moments?
Jaebum indulges himself with sleeping in, muting all his alarms and waking up deliberately late. The sun is pouring luxuriously through the windows like melted butter and Jaebum stretches lazily, wandering out of his room, stifling a yawn with one hand as the other struggles to pull on a threadbare wool-knit sweater.
It's a faded gray with threads unravelling at the hems and a few holes gaping through the fabric, one size too small but Jaebum likes it because it's comfortable and worn and reminds him of their JJ Project days when they were rooming in a cramped but cozy dorm with their manager and Jinyoung's Rilakkuma plushies.
Apparently, it reminds Jinyoung of the memories too, because when he looks up at Jaebum's footsteps from where he's sitting on the couch flicking through TV channels Jaebum hears his sharp intake of breath.
He clumsily thrusts his arms into the sleeves, tugging the sweater haphazardly over his body. It ends just above his belly button and he doesn't bother to pull it down, instead ambling into the living room and throwing himself heavily onto the couch beside Jinyoung. Jaebum crowds him into the armrest on purpose, hoping Jinyoung will attribute it to habit from trying to fit seven people onto a family-sized sofa set every evening.
He is unprepared for the way Jinyoung flinches away, recoils from him as though Jaebum is a live wire and Jinyoung is afraid to be electrocuted.
Scratch that, Jaebum is downright wounded this time. He backs away too, confused and injured, instinctively taking the offense.
"Am I that disgusting to be near?"
Shit. He hadn't meant to say that. Jaebum panics. He sounds whiny, needy and sore. Exactly how he had promised himself he would never sound in front of Jinyoung. The Jaebum Jinyoung adored and respected was suave, confident, cool and chic. He wasn't uncertain and bumbling and insecure and childish. Jaebum gulps, feeling his painstakingly-built image slipping down the drain.
But when he finally meets Jinyoung's eyes apprehensively, Jaebum is stunned by the anguish in them. "No," Jinyoung whispers, voice rough and pained. "No, hyung, I'm sorry, I didn't mean --"
"Whatever!" Jaebum blurts out too loudly, cutting Jinyoung off. Jinyoung's eyes are wide and glistening as they stare at him. "It doesn't matter," Jaebum lies through his teeth, trying to salvage whatever he can of his ruined charisma.
"It doesn't?" Jinyoung's voice is distinctly chillier, an edge to it. When Jaebum looks up at him, startled, he is surprised to see Jinyoung looking mortally wounded, as if Jaebum has just said something personally offensive to him.
"No, I mean I..." Now, Jaebum is the one fumbling for words in confusion, but Jinyoung is no longer stammering as he demands swiftly, "Why?"
Jaebum opens and closes his mouth like a goldfish, shrinking under Jinyoung's piercing and burning gaze, his eyes chasing after Jaebum's, seeking answers for questions Jaebum doesn't know the answers to.
Jaebum laughs nervously, trying to slide subtly off the couch and to safer territory, but Jinyoung lays a heavy hand on his shoulder, stopping him cold. Jaebum freezes, feeling himself start to tremble and quiver from his very insides at Jinyoung's missed touch.
"Hyung," Jinyoung breathes plaintively, and it's enough to turn the tables. Jaebum is instantly powerless, surrendering entirely to the power of that word in Jinyoung's mouth, caressed by his lips and whispered with hot breath against Jaebum's ear. Jinyoung knows how to work him like a machine. He always has.
Jaebum closes his eyes, taking a deep, shuddering breath, and when he opens them Jinyoung's eyes are blazing into his and his hands come up to pin Jaebum's shoulders to the back of the couch. Gracefully, Jinyoung swings a leg over Jaebum's lap and straddles him. Jinyoung's full weight on top of Jaebum is breathtaking, heart-stopping. Jaebum's hands instinctively move to his hips to hold him steady, and a catlike smile tugs at the ends of Jinyoung's smirking lips.
"You shouldn't have worn this today," Jinyoung says meaningfully, grazing his lips over Jaebum's exposed collarbones and drawing a soft gasp, then pressing them firmly down against cool skin.
"W-why?" Jaebum manages to choke out, but he finds out in a minute when Jinyoung carefully but hungrily pushes down the neck of the sweater and attaches his lips to the bare skin of Jaebum's shoulder, sucking slowly and sensually.
"Oh, God -- Holy shit," Jaebum is swearing incoherently when Jinyoung finally pulls away with a wet pop. His pants suddenly feel too tight and Jaebum is mortifyingly aware of his erection nudging the cleft of Jinyoung's ass, growing even harder when Jinyoung shifts in his lap with a calculated move, humming wickedly.
Jaebum's head is spinning desperately to process the events of the past five minutes since he woke up. He half-wonders if this is just a dream, a fantasy that is frighteningly vivid and evocative. But then Jinyoung slides a callused hand into his sweatpants, and Jaebum's body jerks violently as Jinyoung closes it around his cock.
"Hyung," Jinyoung murmurs in his ear, voice lower than Jaebum has ever heard it before, and that's all it takes for him to nearly come. Jaebum breathes raggedly as Jinyoung thumbs the slit of his cock and tries not to cry out something embarrassing like Jinyoung's name.
Jinyoung smiles, evidently pleased by Jaebum's reaction and continues caressing Jaebum's cock almost tenderly. "Do you like me?" he continues huskily.
Jaebum nearly chokes. He wants to protest that Jinyoung isn't playing fair, that he literally has one hand around Jaebum's balls and the other around his heart. He always did. But if Jaebum is uneloquent in normal circumstances, in the circumstances of receiving a handjob he is a trillion times more uneloquent. So all he can do is to whimper pathetically, this close to begging and sobbing for Jinyoung to grant him release.
At his vacillation, the corners of Jinyoung's mouth twist down and his eyes darken. "Do you?" he repeats, voice silky but with a core of steel. His hand tightens around Jaebum's cock and Jaebum does cry out then, coming uncontrollably over Jinyoung's hand.
Jinyoung slides his hand out of Jaebum's pants and studies it clinically. "Well, I guess your body answered for you," he says sardonically, and Jaebum's chest clenches, his face feeling like it's been set on fire.
"Wait, Jinyoung, I --" Jaebum catches Jinyoung's elbow just as he slides off Jaebum's lap, eyes already shuttered and turning away, cool and distant once again. It hurts Jaebum physically to see Jinyoung grow so uncommunicative and inscrutable again, shutting himself off from Jaebum and erecting walls around himself. Jaebum doesn't think he could ever recover, this time, if Jinyoung did it again.
Jinyoung turns to glower at him defiantly, belligerently, but his pupils dilate when Jaebum places a hand over his tented crotch, his breathing growing harsh. Jinyoung tries to wrench his arm away but Jaebum is stronger, overpowering him, making him teeter off balance and taking the chance to wrestle him onto the couch, beneath Jaebum.
This time, Jinyoung is the one staring up at him, wrecked and breathless, silently begging, and Jaebum feels more powerful than he has ever felt in his life, onstage and off. He feels more powerful in front of only Jinyoung than before a crowd of a million screaming people, and Jaebum thinks this is probably the reason why he says the words he does next: "I like you."
It's probably reason enough.
Jinyoung confirms this fact with the brilliant, blinding grin that takes over his face and transforms his eyes into perfect crescents, and Jaebum falls into their steep arcs and the depths of Jinyoung's elusive dimples, deepening in his cheeks.
The beautiful smile is soon wiped off his face, reluctantly, but eagerly, as Jaebum reaches with shaking hands for the zipper of Jinyoung's jeans and lowers it, tooth by tooth. Jinyoung is breathing hard, eyes closed and face flushed with exertion, sweat beading on his brow. He is unabashedly moaning Jaebum's name, sprinkled with the occasional hyung, in a voice so delirous with want and lust that it goes straight to Jaebum's dick.
Just to make Jinyoung open his gorgeous eyes, Jaebum skims a finger across his lips, then delves into the warm softness of Jinyoung's mouth as he parts them with a gasp, his eyes flying open to reveal those lustrous orbs, boring straight into Jaebum's soul.
Jaebum swirls his fingers in Jinyoung's mouth until he can no longer think straight or wait any longer, then extracts them with a slick sound and slips his hand into Jinyoung's boxers, wrapping his fingers around Jinyoung's cock and pumping clumsily with sloppy strokes, trying to emulate Jinyoung. Jaebum has only had experience with his own dick so far and he can safely say that they are two entirely different feelings -- his own cock and Jinyoung's fisted in his slippery grasp, hot and agonizingly hard and leaking precum. When Jaebum runs his finger experimentally over the vein pulsing on the underside of Jinyoung's cock, he groans loudly.
"Fuck, hyung," Jinyoung mutters, gripping bruises into Jaebum's shoulders as he thrusts up into Jaebum's palm, hips bucking. "Make me come," he growls.
Jaebum feels a heat pooling in his stomach, sparks going off at the frustrated order in Jinyoung's voice. He's not sure he's seen this assertive side of Jinyoung -- agreeable, nice-guy Jinyoung whose pleasant smile never falters in any situation. Now, that toothy smile is nowhere to be seen as Jinyoung jerks his hips up angrily into Jaebum's hands, rutting uselessly.
When Jaebum sees Jinyoung's hand sneaking towards his cock, desperate to end the prolonged teasing, he swats it away, softening the gesture with a candy sweet kiss dropped on the corner of Jinyoung's lips. Jinyoung's tongue flickers out to pursue the traces of Jaebum's mouth, but he obediently lets his hand fall back to settle insistently on Jaebum's hip.
"Patience, my darling," Jaebum whispers in Jinyoung's ear, then climbs clumsily out of Jinyoung's lap, detaching his forceful hands and ignoring his pitiful whimpers as he kicks off his sweatpants, nearly tripping over the bunched up fabric.
Jinyoung's eyes gleam, his grumbling ceasing as Jaebum shyly tugs off his boxers, holding it in front of his groin to preserve a semblance of modesty as he climbs gracelessly onto Jinyoung's knees again, settling into the hollow of his lap so the swollen tip of Jinyoung's erection nudges the cleft of Jaebum's ass.
The denim of Jinyoung's jeans chafes roughly against Jaebum's ass, and he shivers in the chill of the air against his bare skin. But then Jinyoung's hands are on his ass, huge and marking, possessive, and Jaebum forgets everything.
It hurts at first, but once Jinyoung is halfway in he slides fully into Jaebum with relieving ease, the saliva working to lubricate and smoothen the friction and resistance. Jaebum feels the stretch in an untouched place inside him, feels Jinyoung splitting him open with his cock till he's a panting and sobbing mess. Jinyoung thrusts urgently up into him, roughly and forcefully as if he's trying to imprint himself into Jaebum... or as if he is terrifyingly out of control, every bit as out of his depth as Jaebum is. Jaebum is sure this is Jinyoung's first time with a man, first time with anybody. Any other alternative hurts to much to contemplate.
But Jaebum has his doubts when the string of senseless profanities Jinyoung is groaning evens alongside the pace of his thrusts into language which make Jaebum blush even hotter -- English endearments that Jaebum can vaguely comprehend interspersed with shamelessly filthy words like you like it there don't you baby tell me where you want my cock -- Jaebum feels his pace quickening at Jinyoung's low indecipherable mumuring flowing into his ear and grips his own cock with a careless hand. A few rough strokes are enough to bring himself to climax, spilling over Jinyoung's stomach as Jinyoung crushes him into his arms, slamming his pelvis into Jaebum's one final time before he explodes inside him. Jinyoung continues leaning his cheek against Jaebum's chest as they ride out the aftershocks, his torso pressed so closely against Jaebum that Jaebum can feel Jinyoung's heartbeat hammering against his stomach.
"Your heart's beating so fast," are the first words Jinyoung says. His voice has reverted back to the usual gentlemanly, refined Jinyoung that Jaebum knows so well, with no trace of the wild and untamed beast Jaebum had glimpsed for a split second. But Jaebum knows him well enough to detect the lingering traces of breathlessness in his voice, the raspiness that deepens it when it gets raw and hoarse.
"Yours is too," he laughs, and Jinyoung giggles when he hears Jaebum's laughter rumbling through his chest. A gleeful, boyish giggle that tugs at something buried in Jaebum's heart and robs him of breath for a moment.
Jinyoung is so agonizingly cute, no matter how fierce and tough he tries to act. No matter how much he tries to dominate Jaebum, it will never reverse the fact that Jaebum is the hyung he respects most and looks up most to. And Jaebum knows with certainty that no matter how their relationship evolves in future, nothing will ever alter their intrinsic dynamic -- how they were at the beginning, just, Jaebum and Jinyoung, working hard together to make their voices heard.
"Jaebum-hyung," Jinyoung says quietly behind him, struggling to hold back his laughter as he watches Jaebum make a spectacle of himself attempting to challenge the simple task of pulling on his boxers and sweatpants again. Jaebum ignores the sensation of Jinyoung's warm cum leaking from his ass, down his inner thigh, and finally wrenches up his sweatpants with a long-suffering sigh.
"My Jaebum-hyung," Jinyoung says again, voice caressing and indulgent and possessive, all at once. Jaebum takes a deep breath and turns to face him, and when he sees Jinyoung's dazzling smile shining up at him it's the basest of needs to take Jinyoung's chin with gentle fingers and lean down to kiss him chastely and heartbreakingly sweet.
None of this makes sense. None of this is safe or even right. This thing they have here -- what they just did -- is taboo, wrong, stupid, crazy, lawless, illegal, illogical. It's every negative adjective in the universe.
But then Jaebum looks down at Jinyoung, half-lidded, lips kiss swollen and eyes adoringly dark, filled with the kind of love Jaebum has been dreaming of and singing about this whole life, and Jaebum realizes that he doesn't need right or safe or comfortable. He needs Jinyoung.
Because if Jinyoung is both Jaebum's wings and the sun melting them -- then Jaebum is Icarus, recklessly flying closer.
pairing: jb/junior
rating: nc-17
summary: (canon) jinyoung has taught jaebum that some things are worth waiting for.
notes: happy jjp day! for xfragments and noisestorms :)
How could you give your love to someone else,
and share your dreams with me?
- Save the Best for Last, Vanessa Williams
It starts when Jaebum is watching Jinyoung's first acting gig in an actual drama, not a promotional vehicle funded by JYP. Or maybe it had started in said promotional vehicle, more than two years ago. Then, Jinyoung had played a supporting character to Jaebum's leading role, content to stand in the sidelines and reflect the spotlight back at Jaebum, watching him shine, but this time Jaebum is the one sitting on the couch with the other members and watching riveted as Jinyoung acts his heart out on national TV, tears glistening in his sparkling eyes, skin still glimmering like a dewy Face Shop advertisement even while his face is marred by mud stains and an ugly band-aid.
The rustling and hisses of the maknaes squabbling over the popcorn and crunching the crisps loudly fade into white noise as Jaebum watches with his mouth hanging open and his eyes unblinking. Even Jackson stops his mile-a-minute chattering to pay attention to Jinyoung at an especially emotional scene.
"He's a natural," Mark pipes up for the first time after being quiet all evening, calm and observant as usual, summarizing all their thoughts with one concise sentence. Yugyeom tosses a peanut into the air and Bambam fails to catch it in his mouth as he is distracted by Jinyoung letting out an anguished cry onscreen.
Or maybe it had started the first time Jaebum saw Jinyoung dance -- not during their audition but three years later when they were put together into a project group and started rehearsing together for Bounce, which was an upbeat song that required both intensive singing and dancing, as well as co-ordination.
The co-ordination part was especially important, as numerous parts of the choreography relied on them matching each other's to beat-perfect precision. The dance was as much a duet as the song was, and strangely the fact that they were a unit of merely two seemed to serve to emphasize the necessity for synchronicity rather than lower it.
It wasn't a piece of cake to them, but it was possible. They were both hardworking, chosen because they were the most promising trainees in the company, paired up because their instructors had noticed their compatibility. Ever since they day they had met and decided to team up by fluke, Jaebum had realized that he clicked with Jinyoung more than anybody in the company. Thankfully, Jinyoung seemed to share the sentiment.
Although Jinyoung impressed Jaebum the first time he saw him dance, the subsequent times Jaebum watched him, first in studios then in the JJ Project practice room then onstage, he blew Jaebum away a little more every single time.
Because every time he danced, Jinyoung put in a little more effort. He wasn't content with just mastering the choreography. He had to give his absolute best, improve in every possible aspect, aim for superhuman perfection. He had to dance till he was on the floor on his back, chest heaving and panting audibly, shirt so soaked through with sweat it was translucent. He had to dance until he couldn't walk anymore, couldn't even stand. Only then would he stop. When he had to. Any time before that was too early.
Jaebum sees Jinyoung's years of hard work in the beautifully-sculpted muscles of his back, the lean toned length of his body with no excess fat. Jinyoung is a perfectionist and Jaebum understands that. He gets it, because he's one too.
Then again, maybe it was the first time Jaebum heard Jinyoung sing. Jaebum had always been relatively proud of his own voice, knowing it was his strength, but the first time he heard Jinyoung sing, hoarse and lilting, it put Jaebum to shame. Jaebum listened to a vast and eclectic range of music, both Korean and Western, and he idolized many singers. But when he heard Jinyoung singing at the open auditions, his voice untrained but achingly pristine, for the first time, Jaebum fell in love at first listen.
Perhaps Jinyoung's vocal techniques weren't perfect. Maybe his control wasn't that stable yet and his voice cracked sometimes at the higher pitches. But there was an indefinable quality about Jinyoung's voice -- husky, dulcet, haunting. It seemed to be made of air and Jaebum felt like all the air in the room had been sucked into the notes ringing out from Jinyoung's mouth, so it was suddenly hard to breathe.
(Or maybe it was the way Jinyoung had looked the first time he heard Jaebum sing -- like the ground had been tugged out from beneath his feet, his mouth hanging open slightly and his jaw unhinged. His eyes glowing with amazement and disbelief and... worship.)
Or maybe it was the first time he saw Jinyoung eat, with a healthy and unabashed appetite and childlike delight. Or the first time he saw Jinyoung sleep, soundly and blissfully, with a small smile still curling the edges of his plush lips like he was having a sweet dream. Or the first time he saw Jinyoung reading, his eyes serious behind oversized glasses, a book so thick it made Jaebum's head dizzy perched on his knee as he licked a finger and flipped the page. Every time Jaebum saw Jinyoung eat, sleep and read these six years since they met, he felt inexplicably joyful.
Because Jinyoung did everything with such an infectious and uplifting happiness and warmth. He was so enthusiastic about everything, although he had matured indefinably as they both grew up. It did little to dim his passion for living, laughing and breathing.
And just like five years ago, Jaebum is still breathless keeping up with him.
Jinyoung is an enigma, a paradox. He's so sensitive, intelligent and thoughtful, but breathtakingly playful and mischievous. He's confident and cocky, but vulnerable and easily injured. He's mature, yet possesses a childish naivete. He's sarcastic and snarky, but way too kind and soft-hearted for his own good.
It's no secret that Jaebum has wanted to protect Jinyoung ever since the day they met. Just like Jinyoung automatically called him hyung, the honorific slipping off his tongue so naturally and smoothly it seemed he had been saying it his entire life. Just like Jinyoung looked up to him unquestioningly, respected him unconditionally, and obeyed and deferred to him in all matters. Jaebum wanted to deserve Jinyoung's adulation. He felt entitled to it, more than anyone else.
And Jaebum hopes that he has succeeded in being a good example to Jinyoung, guiding him as an exemplary leader. He hopes that he has managed to make, however small, a positive difference in Jinyoung's life.
When Jinyoung reassures him of that nearing the ending of the filming of igot7, at fanmeetings, in magazine interviews, Jaebum feels gratified and relieved that he hasn't let Jinyoung down.
Beautiful, trusting Jinyoung. Who could ever bear to disappoint him? Jaebum knows he's not the only one who wants to give Jinyoung the world on a plate, the moon and more.
Outwardly, Jinyoung may seem to have grown up drastically and rapidly in these two years to the others. But Jaebum can see that beneath the slick and airbrushed exterior, Jinyoung is still very much the eighteen-year-old teenage boy that he was in 2012, trailing at Jaebum's heels and shrinking away from the screaming crowd as they disembarked the van at another JJ Project fansign, doggedly shadowing Jaebum even back at the dorm with his incessant and irreverent chatter, Jaebum-hyung this and Jaebum-hyung that, refusing to be shaken off no matter how much Jaebum tried.
He has just learnt to disguise his uncertainty and gawkiness a little better.
Back then, they had spent every waking minute together. But with a start, Jaebum realizes that they still do. It's just not as obvious because five other boys have joined them now. Jaebum has always been very particular about his personal space. But somehow, it hadn't mattered so much when it came to Jinyoung. Jinyoung is like an extension of Jaebum's body, someone whose proximity comforts him more than it unsettles him. Jaebum can't imagine sharing the same air as anyone else for six years, besides Jinyoung.
But nowadays, more and more, Jaebum wonders if he's just telling himself that he knows Jinyoung better than anybody else. He wonders if it's true, or he's just deceiving himself. Maybe that's just what he likes to think, and he doesn't know Jinyoung any better than Mark or Jackson or Youngjae or Yugyeom or Bambam.
Jaebum tries to convince himself that he's being oversuspicious, making a big deal over nothing, but when Jinyoung blows past him like he's air in the dorm again Jaebum feels a cold sinking in the pit of his stomach.
"Jinyoung." The word is out of his mouth before he can stop it, petulant and demanding for attention. Challenging Jinyoung to ignore it, to ignore Jaebum for the first time in six years.
Jaebum feels a wave of ridiculous relief as Jinyoung's hasty footsteps scuff hesitantly to a stop, turning around slowly. "Yes, hyung?" he says, looking at Jaebum finally.
Jaebum tries to analyze the two simple words, the million inflections and tones of Jinyoung's voice that he has come to know so well. But for some reason, he finds them frustratingly inscrutable, like Jinyoung's impassive dark eyes.
In the end, Jaebum is the one who shifts his gaze away first from the intensity of Jinyoung's gaze. He wishes Jinyoung would say something to break the ice, lighten the tension and take control of the conversation effortlessly the way he's always done, bubbling over with things he wants to tell Jaebum and jokes he wants to share. Jinyoung knows, Jaebum thinks with resentment. He knows that it's his job to speak, between them. Just like it's Jaebum's role to listen.
I love listening to you more than anyone in the world, Jaebum wants to say, looking at Jinyoung's questioning eyes. He wonders if that will make a difference, if those will be the words that make Jinyoung's eyes light up and blush, whining Hyung! You're so cheesy, his flashing dimples betraying his pleasure.
"Do you want to..." Jaebum swallows, the words dancing on the tip of his tongue. Watch a movie? Listen to music? Make a meal? Together?
"... do something...?" Jaebum eventually spits out lamely, saving himself from sounding like a complete fool by adding almost inaudibly but hopefully, "Together?"
Something in Jaebum's chest loosens and soars at the way Jinyoung's eyes widen with surprise and light up with genuine delight, but it plummets when Jinyoung presses his lips together and drops his gaze, an unreadable but complicated emotion shrouding his features. The reluctance in his eyes is unmistakable as he raises them to Jaebum's again, wordlessly apologetic. He lifts the hangul guidebook in his hand. "Sorry. I said I'd coach Mark-hyung with his vocabulary and idioms."
"Oh." Jaebum feels like someone just bumped hard into his chest, and the air is temporarily slammed out of him. "Okay." He struggles to keep his voice even, nonchalant. "It's cool. I'll just... cook the kids something... since I have nothing else to do. Alone."
He swivels on his heel before catching Jinyoung's answer or expression, too cowardly and embarrassed to. His face is burning slightly. Could he have sounded any more pathetic if he tried? Alone? Nothing else to do? Jaebum groans. He might as well have announced to Jinyoung that he had no life. Which... wasn't necessarily false, but completely unnecessary for Jinyoung to know.
Mercifully, Jinyoung doesn't reply, and after a few paces Jaebum hears his retreating footsteps too. He heaves a sigh of relief and heads for the kitchen, trapped in his impromptu fib. He'll just whip up something for the maknaes. It's not like he has anything better to do anyway, since Jinyoung is busy. He had purposefully stayed up late the previous night to finish all his work and practice, hoping to free up a space today to ask Jinyoung this question. It had taken Jaebum weeks to work up the courage to approach Jinyoung, and he had finally decided to broach the subject straight out. But Jaebum thinks with a weighty heart that he probably doesn't need to ask the question in his mind. The answer is obvious.
The only thing that could possibly make Jaebum feel any lower at this moment is to hear the awkward and regretful words, I'm sorry, hyung. We've just drifted apart in Jinyoung's soft and sympathetic voice.
But later, as Jaebum is putting the finishing touches on his jjigae, which is boiling cheerily on the stove and wafting delicious aromas around the kitchen, a head pops tentatively into the door.
"It smells heavenly," Jinyoung remarks, grinning as the rest of his body appears, leaning against the wall with his hip jutting out.
Jaebum can't help his pleased blush, ducking his head to hide it. He will never tire of Jinyoung complimenting his culinary skills. "Do you want to have a taste?" he blurts out before he can think, cursing inwardly when that conflicted, hesitant expression darkens Jinyoung's eyes again. He had almost forgotten, thought they were comfortable again, and reverted back to their old and thoughtless banter.
But then Jinyoung clears the reservation from his eyes with an effort and pastes on a cheerful, broad smile. "Can I?" He bats his lashes teasingly, Jaebum laughs, and the moment passes.
The steam puffing from the pot engulfs his face as Jaebum carefully adjusts the flame, vaguely registering Jinyoung's approaching footfalls. When he turns, Jinyoung is right behind him, a hair's breadth away, so close that Jaebum can see every separate eyelash and the pores on his skin. He leaps backward in alarm, and Jinyoung's arm instantly rises up between him and the stove, his hand settling gently on the small of Jaebum's back.
They hold their breaths for a second, releasing them together when they both turn to find the pot still sitting undisturbed, none of the soup spilled. Jinyoung hasn't seemed to move back and his eyes are tight with worry as they run over Jaebum's face, searching his own. His hand moves down the side of Jaebum's body to rest lightly on his hip, holding him steady. "Are you okay?" he says, tone softly scolding. "Be careful."
"I --" Jaebum stutters, his face flaming from the now billowing clouds of steam. The soup gurgles noisily and he hurriedly disentangles himself from Jinyoung's arms, setting a distance between them cautiously. He lowers his gaze studiously to the food as he puts on an oven mitt, turns off the stove and carefully picks up the pot. Jinyoung gives him space and doesn't distract him but after Jaebum has fetched it to the kitchen table, he plops down on one of the chairs eagerly.
"I thought you were going to give me a taste," he says playfully, and is that a whine Jaebum hears in his voice? He bites his lip to keep from smiling, but obligingly grabs a spoon and skims a spoonful of jjigae from the top, bringing it slowly without spilling to his mouth to blow on it.
Jinyoung watches his actions impatiently, opening his mouth obediently when Jaebum flies the spoon into his mouth like an airplane. Jaebum can't resist laughing this time. "You're such a baby."
Jinyoung smacks his lips and beams sunnily, as if Jaebum has just given him a compliment. "It tastes as good as it looked," he pronounces, and Jaebum swells with pride. He doesn't know how Jinyoung makes every compliment he gives sound so sincere and thoughtful and clever -- perhaps because of how educated and well-read he is. All Jaebum knows is that he wishes for Jinyoung's praise more than anyone else's and values it above anything else.
Jinyoung continues gazing silently at him, his chin propped on his fists as Jaebum busily lays the table and unties his apron, and Jaebum tries not to let his nervousness show. Jinyoung's quiet, observing gaze following him around the kitchen is strangely unnerving and Jaebum is more aware of it than he should be.
"Where's Mark?" he asks offhandedly to break the stilted silence and draw away the intensity of Jinyoung's gaze for awhile.
Jinyoung raises an eyebrow, but replies dutifully, "In his room."
"Did you guys... finish the vocabulary?" Jaebum asks meaningfully, trying to sound Jinyoung out if it was just an excuse.
Jinyoung looks at him, lips curling into a smile that Jaebum can't decipher but makes his cheeks heat up and his stomach knot. "We got quite a bit done," Jinyoung just says cryptically, and Jaebum feels more befuddled than ever.
As he watches Jinyoung swat Jackson's hands and his protests away, firmly ladling out heaping bowls for the three maknaes before he allows Mark and Jackson to help themselves, Jaebum thinks of this awkwardness between them that has developed sometime between Got7's debut and their first anniversary. Sometimes Jinyoung is distant and detached, aloof and closed up. But then other times, like today, he's warm and teasing and friendly and playful, his smiles so open and sweet that Jaebum thinks the distance was entirely his imagination.
But then Jinyoung looks up over all their heads, catching him watching, and Jaebum sees that familiar look in his eyes again. Like... like a deer caught in headlights. Jaebum wonders why that phrase popped into his head. But it's definitely there, this sudden tension, and Jaebum has no idea what he did to cause it.
Later, Jaebum lies in his room, staring into the darkness and thinking. His mind keeps returning to that one brief second -- the second Jinyoung was in his personal space, too close, so close Jaebum's eyelashes could've brushed his cheek if he blinked.
At that moment, his senses had been completely saturated and overwhelmed by the sheer physical force of Jinyoung's presence, the solidity of the length of his hard body like a wall against Jaebum's, but now that Jaebum has had the time to process it, to register the minute details, he realizes a few things.
Firstly, Jinyoung had smelt good. Really good. In an unfamiliar way. For as long as Jaebum could remember, Jinyoung had used the same cologne. He was faithful to the brands he liked this way, never changing his tastes once he found one that caught his fancy. Had he changed his cologne? When? It's inconceivable that he could've done this without Jaebum knowing.
Secondly, Jinyoung's eyelashes were long. Really long. Way too long for a boy's. For God's sake, he should trim them or something. They were getting out of hand. Someone who didn't know him as well as Jaebum could very well mistake them for a girl's. And Jaebum is pretty sure he wasn't wearing mascara, or a stitch of makeup. He could see the pale pink blemishes and slightly bumpy skin on Jinyoung's cheeks.
Thirdly -- and this was the most shocking discovery -- Jinyoung was tall. Really tall. He had almost seemed to tower over Jaebum. Almost. But it was most probably an optical illusion, because Jinyoung wasn't taller than Jaebum, the last time they measured their heights. Months ago.
He can't be.
It's unthinkable, unacceptable. A dongsaeng taller than his hyung? Yugyeom's growth spurt was a big enough blow to Jaebum's pride but Jinyoung -- his most babyish dongsaeng Jinyoung -- taller than Jaebum? Jaebum snorts incredulously and shakes his head. Yes, an optical illusion. A very deceptive one, probably because Jinyoung had been tiptoeing and wearing his thickest socks. After all, they both weren't wearing shoes and even outdoors, Jinyoung seldom liked using insoles.
Jaebum breathes a muffled laugh again for good measure, just to hear himself. He doesn't feel much more reassured. Youngjae stirs in his sleep beside him, turning over. " --ung?" Jaebum whispers Shhh and strokes a cajoling hand over his hair, enough to lull him back into an exhausted slumber again.
The next morning, Jaebum flattens himself against the bathroom wall with his toothbrush wedged between his teeth as Jinyoung charges in like a bulldozer. "Urghnn?" Jaebum squawks, eyes wide and petrified as Jinyoung unceremoniously shoves down his pants and starts peeing into the toiletbowl, half-asleep.
Jinyoung turns at the noise, his drooping eyelids flying open comically when he sees Jaebum standing at the sink, mouth dripping toothpaste foam. "AAAAHHHH!!!" his hysterical scream resounds through the dorm, bringing a melee of doors creaking and feet shuffling and sleepy disgruntled heads poking around the door.
"What happened, hyung?" Yugyeom drones tiredly. By now, Jinyoung has pulled up his pants and Jaebum is facing the mirror, his eyes focused on a spot at the top. At first, when Jinyoung hauled his pants and boxers up with astonishing velocity, Jaebum had spun around to face the wall to give him privacy, only to find a mirror there which reflected Jinyoung behind him perfectly. He quickly snapped his eyes up to the wall above the mirror, feeling his face colouring hotly.
Turning back to address the members in the doorway now, he notices that Jinyoung's cheekbones are also flushed a dusty pink the way they do from exertion after practice when he gets hot and sweaty, the tips of his ears a much deeper shade, like he's freezing in winter without a muffler.
"Uh, I, um," Jinyoung stutters, at an uncharacteristic loss for words. Jaebum quickly comes to his rescue. "There was a cockroach in the toilet bowl," he explains, and Bambam claps a horrified hand over his mouth. Youngjae makes a disgusted face, and Yugyeom still looks grumpy but at least convinced. Jinyoung shoots him a look of grateful relief, looking pale. Jackson is staring between both of them with a shrewd gaze and annoying smirk and Jaebum grabs a towel from the rack and flings it at his face. Mark plucks it off and wipes his own face, rolling his eyes as he breezes out with the others on his heels.
Jaebum finds himself alone with Jinyoung again in the bathroom, both of them still blushing like fiends. Mortifyingly, painfully alone.
"I, I need to use the toilet," Jaebum babbles at the same time Jinyoung blurts out, "I'm done."
"Oh, good," Jaebum practically exclaims, helpfully shoving Jinyoung out of the door as he dives out of the bathroom like Jaebum has just declared he has a venereal disease. Jaebum slams the door unnecessarily loudly and winces.
Jaebum is leaning against the wall, his limbs rubbery and his heart racing weakly, when a pounding makes him jump out of his skin. He turns the doorknob and cracks opens the door to reveal Jinyoung with a fist raised halfway and his other hand braced on the doorframe, looking panicked.
"W-what?" Jaebum squeaks, confused, his heart somersaulting for a moment as he entertains the thought that Jinyoung might not be done. With him.
Instead of answering, Jinyoung blushes even more violently and dashes to the toilet, pounding his hand down on the flush button. After the toilet has flushed loudly in the plunging silence, Jinyoung rushes out with equal furtiveness, not having met Jaebum's eyes once.
Jaebum places a hand on his feverish cheek. He wouldn't have minded flushing for Jinyoung. He has done so any number of times, with even bigger business than this. A few times, Jinyoung had even called him for help when the sewage pipe got plugged up and they didn't want to call a plumber because they had an image to upkeep as idols.
They had worked together to unclog the pipe until both their hands were filthy and they stunk of sweat and unidentifiable putrid odours. Even then, all Jaebum can remember is laughing till his stomach hurt as they rejoiced on managing to repair the flush by themselves and showered together to get rid of the smell.
What had happened between then and now? Jaebum finds himself staring sadly at his toothbrush, mechanically filling his mug with water from the tap to rinse his mouth. It seemed just like yesterday that Jinyoung hadn't cared about how he looked or what he did in front of Jaebum. Jaebum had thought they were the kind of friends who could fart and puke and do all those gross bodily functions in front of each other. But maybe he was the only one who felt that way.
"That sure was an effective wake-up call," Mark grouches as Jaebum finally appears at the breakfast table. Jinyoung is shovelling a bowl of oatmeal into his mouth, his head bent but two faint rosy circles blossoming visibly on his upper cheeks at Mark's words.
Jaebum feels a sudden, vicious urge to snap at Mark, to say something rude and unleaderlike that would make Mark's face fall. He feels oddly uncomfortable with Mark's ability to make Jinyoung blush with one choice word, one simple sentence. Mark is so effortlessly funny, so drily witty and enviably handsome. He's older than Jaebum and his English is better. Jaebum has always nursed a subtle jealousy towards him, like all the other members. But this rivalry is something new.
Jackson chortles loudly, sending Jaebum a broad wink which he pretends not to see and making impolite slurping sounds as he drains his orange juice. Bambam squeals innocently, "You planned all that just to wake us up, hyung?"
Yugyeom chuckles and ruffles his hair. Jaebum sighs and takes a seat beside Mark to gulp down whatever food he can force into his laced-up throat.
Clambering aboard the van, Jinyoung seems strangely listless and Mark gives him a helpful boost up the step. He throws himself onto the seat and scoots his butt towards the window, gazing out with his chin propped on his palm and eyelashes fluttering drowsily. Mark is about to climb up and sit down next to him when Jaebum elbows him out of the way.
Mark squints up at him, puzzled, but shakes his head and climbs in next to Jackson instead. Jaebum avoids his look, not knowing how to explain his action except that he didn't want Mark next to Jinyoung when he's helpless and sleepy and vulnerable like that.
He doesn't know why, but he doesn't want Jinyoung falling asleep on Mark's broad shoulder.
Objectively, Jaebum has nice shoulders as well. He feels proud of his own shoulders and biceps, which are suitably sturdy and ripped. But Mark is a strong contender, and Jinyoung is way too comfortable around Mark. More comfortable than he is around Jaebum, Jaebum's traitorous mind sometimes thinks.
He doesn't want to compare. Comparison is petty and small-hearted and pointless. But Jaebum can't help it. He's so used to being Jinyoung's top priority, his first choice, that second place is something that is offensive to him.
Predictably, Jinyoung does fall asleep on Jaebum's shoulder. Jaebum wakes him reluctantly and gently when they arrive at the JYP building. "We're here, Jirongie," he whispers in Jinyoung's ear, carefully soft and out of earshot of the others as they tumble noisily out.
Jinyoung stirs, murmuring. His eyes flutter open, lips curving up into a contented smile when he registers Jaebum. "Hyung," Jinyoung whispers, still half dreaming, and the single word in his deep, mellow voice sends a shudder through somewhere deep inside Jaebum.
He can't remember how long it's been since Jinyoung has called him this honorific, this -- term of endearment, in a voice as trusting and automatic as this. Like breathing. He had breathed Jaebum's name like it was the very oxygen he needed to survive.
Jaebum supports Jinyoung's heavy and sleep-warm body as he stumbles clumsily out of the van, clicking his tongue like a mother hen. "Were you up late reading again last night?" he can't help nagging.
Jinyoung offers him a cheeky, adorable smile. "Nope. I was thinking."
"Thinking of what?" Jaebum says patiently, straggling after the others and slamming the van door closed with one hand.
"Who," Jinyoung mumbles under his breath, and Jaebum has to ask him to repeat.
But Jinyoung merely smiles enigmatically, able to stand on his own feet now and grabbing Jaebum's hand with a strong, cool and callused one. For some reason, for the first time, his hand envelops Jaebum's fully like a glove designed to fit snugly to the contours of his palm. Which is utterly ludicrous because Jaebum's hand has always been bigger than Jinyoung's.
"Let's go," Jinyoung says softly, tugging Jaebum into motion.
And so the ensuing days progress much like this, Jinyoung blowing hot and cold, retreating and advancing in an incomprehensible pattern, seeming to let down his guard when he's tired and more vulnerable, but putting the walls back up when he's tense.
Jaebum is beyond confused now. He's utterly bewildered.
And maybe a little hurt.
He wants to say something, throw the unspoken and loaded words out into the open, finally ask for an answer from Jinyoung, an explanation, wants to cover up the gaping holes and the cringeworthy awkwardness with effusive assurances and resolved misunderstandings.
But something stops him, every time. Something in Jinyoung's eyes seems to be pleading with Jaebum not to put a name to this, not to say it out into the open, because it might just dissolve intangibly in the air. But Jinyoung looks like he's afraid of something far larger than that, something that tightens the corners of his eyes and makes his smiles grow forced and pinched.
But Jaebum holds on, because at the rare times that Jinyoung does smile with his eyes, it's so devastating that it's worth the other hundred smiles that he didn't.
Jaebum doesn't know how long he can keep this bottled up inside him, though. Jaebum has never been known for his patience and forbearance, more for his quick temper and rash impulse. But Jaebum surprises himself with how tenacious he can be when it comes to Jinyoung. Maybe Jinyoung has taught him something about waiting. Maybe he has taught Jaebum that some things are worth waiting for.
Three years ago, when Jaebum was far from the leaderly figure he is now, miles away, Jinyoung had been the one who had talked him through the steps. At that time, Jaebum had no idea what self-control was or how to rein in his most basic impulses. It was Jinyoung, Jinyoung who eye-smiled and preened in front of the cameras like he was a vapid bubbly maknae, who taught Jaebum the most important lesson about leading.
He was the reason that Jaebum had become a leader, had developed any leadership qualities at all, had had the desire or the confidence to take on five other rowdy boys and carry the weight of all their worlds on his shoulders.
Because he wanted Jinyoung to be proud of him. Because he wanted Jinyoung to remain free to grow up unencumbered, or at least as unencumbered as he could be.
And when he was rewarded with Jinyoung's carefree, gleeful smile, Jaebum thought with conviction that his sacrifice was worth it.
From the start, it was a toss up between him and Jinyoung to be the leader of Got7. Mostly because of their two extra years of experience, but also because Mark and Jackson were not only foreigners, but the former was too quiet and the latter too flighty. The three youngest were out of the question.
And Jaebum knew without a shadow of a doubt that Jinyoung would have been an amazing leader, given the chance. He would lead wisely, with a fist of iron and a heart of gold, with benevolence and compassion and empathy and understanding.
Without question, he would have been a far better leader than Jaebum.
But Jaebum couldn't bear to let him do it.
Jinyoung deserved to be a child. He had already had so much of his childhood taken away from him, giving up games and fun at the tender age of fifteen to start chasing after his dream. When Jaebum had first seen Jinyoung at the auditions, he had been startled at how impossibly young Jinyoung looked. Even after he had found out they were almost the same age, he still continued seeing Jinyoung that way -- as a younger brother, someone to be protected and shielded, breaking his falls. Jaebum wasn't much older than Jinyoung, but he couldn't help feeling stronger and personally responsible for him because Jinyoung seemed so susceptible and uncorrupted and sheltered.
And Jaebum knew that Jinyoung knew how much responsibility he had taken on, for him. Not because Jinyoung had even once mentioned his debt towards Jaebum. No, Jinyoung was too subtle for that.
Jaebum knew this from the mugs of honey tea he would find on his bedside table before he fell asleep, warm but not boiling hot, lovingly brewed, sliding down his sore throat and soothing it immeasurably. He knew this from the extra blanket he would find draped over his shoulders when he woke up on the first day of winter; from the rice that Jinyoung ladled into Jaebum's bowl from his own at mealtimes, claiming poor appetite. He knew this from the way Jinyoung's soft, sharp eyes never missed anything about him and the way Jinyoung took care of him -- quietly, gratefully, more loving than family.
Up till now, every little, unobtrusive gesture of Jinyoung's still never fails to bring the prickle of tears to Jaebum's eyes and a lump to his throat. Jaebum isn't a person who cries easily. But there's one person in the world who can bring him to tears with one word, who can make him smile with one laugh.
His best friend, Park Jinyoung.
And so, Jaebum waits with equal parts trepidation and anticipation, for the day the words will spring forth from his self-centred lips, unwilling to be repressed any further, unable to.
Why are you avoiding me?
Said out in his head, in cold, concrete terms, the question sounds unnecessarily harsh, confrontational. But Jaebum has never known how to be anything but. He has never been capable of subtlety. In this aspect, he's similar to Jackson.
Being with Jackson is different from being with Jinyoung -- it's fun, unstressful, silly and mindless. It's comfortable, and Jaebum can't remember the last time an encounter with Jinyoung could be described this way. Not that he's comparing or anything.
Maybe it's because of the lack of common history with Jackson, that provides this sense of comfort. No, he isn't being fair. He has trained alongside Jackson for years, known him for even longer. He is arguably, one of Jaebum's closest friends. It's just that -- next to what he has been through with Jinyoung, his shared history with everyone else seems pitiably meagre.
He can count the number of years he has known Jackson on his hand, but for Jinyoung -- it seems like Jaebum has been in this place by his side for as long as he can remember.
Jaebum wants to tell Jinyoung this when he sees Jinyoung looking at him in that way again at another ubiquitous fanmeet when Jackson is hanging off his arm, bubbling with raucous laughter. He wants to find the words to eloquently express his thoughts, but eloquent has never once been an adjective used to describe Jaebum.
Jinyoung is giving him that look -- the one where his eyebrows rush together and his eyes narrow and slant towards each other in a frown of dissatisfaction, glinting and flashing. He looks especially like a cat this way, so uncannily so that it takes Jaebum's breath away. Not that he has a kitty kink or fetish or anything, duh.
Jinyoung restrains himself when it's Youngjae, whom Jinyoung coos over like a mama bear and can't bring himself to envy anything about, be it his angelic voice or his closeness to Jaebum. But Jackson is a different matter.
Jackson is Jinyoung's contemporary, the only one of the same age in the group as him. Jaebum knows that he privately compares their progress, their talents in singing and dancing and rapping and variety and acting. Jinyoung has always taken pride in being the cream of the crop, surpassing his peers. So it's no surprise that he takes Jackson as a friendly rival.
But lately, Jaebum has been thinking that this is not the only reason. Perhaps it's his imagination but Jaebum thinks he sees a flicker of annoyance cross Jinyoung's usually placid, gentle eyes like a stone skimming across the surface of a lake, disturbing it for a millisecond.
Jinyoung is whip-smart, and that includes his control over his emotions. Jinyoung almost always schools his nebulous changes of emotion beneath a genial, broadly-smiling veneer, but Jaebum has learnt to attune himself to the most imperceptible shifts of Jinyoung's moods. On his most emotional days, Jinyoung can be as mercurial as Jackson. It's just that he hides it better.
Jinyoung thinks too deeply about everything and feels everything too deeply. He takes everyone's burdens onto his own shoulders and takes everything too personally, be it criticism or praise. Brooding isn't a word that people would typically use to describe Jinyoung, but Jaebum thinks he does it more than any of the members.
But then again, that's what Jaebum loves about Jinyoung. He loves that Jinyoung is younger than him but smarter than him; that he doesn't flaunt his knowledge but instead plays it down with humility and modesty. Jinyoung is so unassuming, so unpretentious even though he has every right to be a pretentious pompous ass. Sometimes Jaebum wishes he were. Maybe then, it would be a little easier to find a single flaw within him.
Jaebum finds everything about Jinyoung mesmerizing, from his cauliflower ears to his hidden-lidded eyes, his not unblemished but still milky skin, his pillowy lips and defined jaw and aquiline nose, his Adonis profile. He loves the way Jinyoung's outer cuteness is nothing compared to his inner cuteness, how he shines from the inside out and his eyes squinch up when he smiles foxlike.
Jinyoung is both an ingenue and an old soul, mature beyond his years and an overgrown kid. Jaebum marvels at how he can effortlessly switch roles from umma of their group to spoilt dongsaeng, wheedling Mark to treat him to meals shamelessly and making Jaebum laugh when he's trying to look stoic and serious. Even Jackson has no idea what to do with him or how to go about managing him, in the end settling on roughousing and manhandling.
Time passes. Days, weeks, months trickle by like sand in an hourglass. Jaebum continues to let the words simmer within him and with the passage of time he thinks that maybe he's accepted that certain things might be meant to be.
Maybe this is all they will have, all they can have -- stolen moments backstage, in the dorm, between rehearsals and performances and schedules and solo activities; choosing Jinyoung boldly over Nora onstage, in front of a million scrutinizing eyes and cameras; moments that are so diaphanous they are over before they have even begun.
And maybe, Jaebum is content. He has to be. He will be.
As long as Jinyoung goes on smiling like that, Jaebum doesn't have anything more to ask.
At least they're together, Jaebum thinks. And that they are, irrevocably, undeniably, inexorably. And if they can be together, does it really matter in what capacity they are?
Jaebum is twenty-three, and learning to be content.
Ironically in the end, just when Jaebum has decided to let go, to give up, it is Jinyoung who revives the embers of his dying flame.
It happens on an uneventful day when they both coincidentally don't have schedules, and the other five members are not in the dorm for some reason or another, some occupied with solo activities, others taking advantage of a rare free day to meet up with their family and non-celebrity friends.
It takes place on a completely unexpected day, at a completely unexpected time, but really, don't the most earth-shaking revelations usually occur at such moments?
Jaebum indulges himself with sleeping in, muting all his alarms and waking up deliberately late. The sun is pouring luxuriously through the windows like melted butter and Jaebum stretches lazily, wandering out of his room, stifling a yawn with one hand as the other struggles to pull on a threadbare wool-knit sweater.
It's a faded gray with threads unravelling at the hems and a few holes gaping through the fabric, one size too small but Jaebum likes it because it's comfortable and worn and reminds him of their JJ Project days when they were rooming in a cramped but cozy dorm with their manager and Jinyoung's Rilakkuma plushies.
Apparently, it reminds Jinyoung of the memories too, because when he looks up at Jaebum's footsteps from where he's sitting on the couch flicking through TV channels Jaebum hears his sharp intake of breath.
He clumsily thrusts his arms into the sleeves, tugging the sweater haphazardly over his body. It ends just above his belly button and he doesn't bother to pull it down, instead ambling into the living room and throwing himself heavily onto the couch beside Jinyoung. Jaebum crowds him into the armrest on purpose, hoping Jinyoung will attribute it to habit from trying to fit seven people onto a family-sized sofa set every evening.
He is unprepared for the way Jinyoung flinches away, recoils from him as though Jaebum is a live wire and Jinyoung is afraid to be electrocuted.
Scratch that, Jaebum is downright wounded this time. He backs away too, confused and injured, instinctively taking the offense.
"Am I that disgusting to be near?"
Shit. He hadn't meant to say that. Jaebum panics. He sounds whiny, needy and sore. Exactly how he had promised himself he would never sound in front of Jinyoung. The Jaebum Jinyoung adored and respected was suave, confident, cool and chic. He wasn't uncertain and bumbling and insecure and childish. Jaebum gulps, feeling his painstakingly-built image slipping down the drain.
But when he finally meets Jinyoung's eyes apprehensively, Jaebum is stunned by the anguish in them. "No," Jinyoung whispers, voice rough and pained. "No, hyung, I'm sorry, I didn't mean --"
"Whatever!" Jaebum blurts out too loudly, cutting Jinyoung off. Jinyoung's eyes are wide and glistening as they stare at him. "It doesn't matter," Jaebum lies through his teeth, trying to salvage whatever he can of his ruined charisma.
"It doesn't?" Jinyoung's voice is distinctly chillier, an edge to it. When Jaebum looks up at him, startled, he is surprised to see Jinyoung looking mortally wounded, as if Jaebum has just said something personally offensive to him.
"No, I mean I..." Now, Jaebum is the one fumbling for words in confusion, but Jinyoung is no longer stammering as he demands swiftly, "Why?"
Jaebum opens and closes his mouth like a goldfish, shrinking under Jinyoung's piercing and burning gaze, his eyes chasing after Jaebum's, seeking answers for questions Jaebum doesn't know the answers to.
Jaebum laughs nervously, trying to slide subtly off the couch and to safer territory, but Jinyoung lays a heavy hand on his shoulder, stopping him cold. Jaebum freezes, feeling himself start to tremble and quiver from his very insides at Jinyoung's missed touch.
"Hyung," Jinyoung breathes plaintively, and it's enough to turn the tables. Jaebum is instantly powerless, surrendering entirely to the power of that word in Jinyoung's mouth, caressed by his lips and whispered with hot breath against Jaebum's ear. Jinyoung knows how to work him like a machine. He always has.
Jaebum closes his eyes, taking a deep, shuddering breath, and when he opens them Jinyoung's eyes are blazing into his and his hands come up to pin Jaebum's shoulders to the back of the couch. Gracefully, Jinyoung swings a leg over Jaebum's lap and straddles him. Jinyoung's full weight on top of Jaebum is breathtaking, heart-stopping. Jaebum's hands instinctively move to his hips to hold him steady, and a catlike smile tugs at the ends of Jinyoung's smirking lips.
"You shouldn't have worn this today," Jinyoung says meaningfully, grazing his lips over Jaebum's exposed collarbones and drawing a soft gasp, then pressing them firmly down against cool skin.
"W-why?" Jaebum manages to choke out, but he finds out in a minute when Jinyoung carefully but hungrily pushes down the neck of the sweater and attaches his lips to the bare skin of Jaebum's shoulder, sucking slowly and sensually.
"Oh, God -- Holy shit," Jaebum is swearing incoherently when Jinyoung finally pulls away with a wet pop. His pants suddenly feel too tight and Jaebum is mortifyingly aware of his erection nudging the cleft of Jinyoung's ass, growing even harder when Jinyoung shifts in his lap with a calculated move, humming wickedly.
Jaebum's head is spinning desperately to process the events of the past five minutes since he woke up. He half-wonders if this is just a dream, a fantasy that is frighteningly vivid and evocative. But then Jinyoung slides a callused hand into his sweatpants, and Jaebum's body jerks violently as Jinyoung closes it around his cock.
"Hyung," Jinyoung murmurs in his ear, voice lower than Jaebum has ever heard it before, and that's all it takes for him to nearly come. Jaebum breathes raggedly as Jinyoung thumbs the slit of his cock and tries not to cry out something embarrassing like Jinyoung's name.
Jinyoung smiles, evidently pleased by Jaebum's reaction and continues caressing Jaebum's cock almost tenderly. "Do you like me?" he continues huskily.
Jaebum nearly chokes. He wants to protest that Jinyoung isn't playing fair, that he literally has one hand around Jaebum's balls and the other around his heart. He always did. But if Jaebum is uneloquent in normal circumstances, in the circumstances of receiving a handjob he is a trillion times more uneloquent. So all he can do is to whimper pathetically, this close to begging and sobbing for Jinyoung to grant him release.
At his vacillation, the corners of Jinyoung's mouth twist down and his eyes darken. "Do you?" he repeats, voice silky but with a core of steel. His hand tightens around Jaebum's cock and Jaebum does cry out then, coming uncontrollably over Jinyoung's hand.
Jinyoung slides his hand out of Jaebum's pants and studies it clinically. "Well, I guess your body answered for you," he says sardonically, and Jaebum's chest clenches, his face feeling like it's been set on fire.
"Wait, Jinyoung, I --" Jaebum catches Jinyoung's elbow just as he slides off Jaebum's lap, eyes already shuttered and turning away, cool and distant once again. It hurts Jaebum physically to see Jinyoung grow so uncommunicative and inscrutable again, shutting himself off from Jaebum and erecting walls around himself. Jaebum doesn't think he could ever recover, this time, if Jinyoung did it again.
Jinyoung turns to glower at him defiantly, belligerently, but his pupils dilate when Jaebum places a hand over his tented crotch, his breathing growing harsh. Jinyoung tries to wrench his arm away but Jaebum is stronger, overpowering him, making him teeter off balance and taking the chance to wrestle him onto the couch, beneath Jaebum.
This time, Jinyoung is the one staring up at him, wrecked and breathless, silently begging, and Jaebum feels more powerful than he has ever felt in his life, onstage and off. He feels more powerful in front of only Jinyoung than before a crowd of a million screaming people, and Jaebum thinks this is probably the reason why he says the words he does next: "I like you."
It's probably reason enough.
Jinyoung confirms this fact with the brilliant, blinding grin that takes over his face and transforms his eyes into perfect crescents, and Jaebum falls into their steep arcs and the depths of Jinyoung's elusive dimples, deepening in his cheeks.
The beautiful smile is soon wiped off his face, reluctantly, but eagerly, as Jaebum reaches with shaking hands for the zipper of Jinyoung's jeans and lowers it, tooth by tooth. Jinyoung is breathing hard, eyes closed and face flushed with exertion, sweat beading on his brow. He is unabashedly moaning Jaebum's name, sprinkled with the occasional hyung, in a voice so delirous with want and lust that it goes straight to Jaebum's dick.
Just to make Jinyoung open his gorgeous eyes, Jaebum skims a finger across his lips, then delves into the warm softness of Jinyoung's mouth as he parts them with a gasp, his eyes flying open to reveal those lustrous orbs, boring straight into Jaebum's soul.
Jaebum swirls his fingers in Jinyoung's mouth until he can no longer think straight or wait any longer, then extracts them with a slick sound and slips his hand into Jinyoung's boxers, wrapping his fingers around Jinyoung's cock and pumping clumsily with sloppy strokes, trying to emulate Jinyoung. Jaebum has only had experience with his own dick so far and he can safely say that they are two entirely different feelings -- his own cock and Jinyoung's fisted in his slippery grasp, hot and agonizingly hard and leaking precum. When Jaebum runs his finger experimentally over the vein pulsing on the underside of Jinyoung's cock, he groans loudly.
"Fuck, hyung," Jinyoung mutters, gripping bruises into Jaebum's shoulders as he thrusts up into Jaebum's palm, hips bucking. "Make me come," he growls.
Jaebum feels a heat pooling in his stomach, sparks going off at the frustrated order in Jinyoung's voice. He's not sure he's seen this assertive side of Jinyoung -- agreeable, nice-guy Jinyoung whose pleasant smile never falters in any situation. Now, that toothy smile is nowhere to be seen as Jinyoung jerks his hips up angrily into Jaebum's hands, rutting uselessly.
When Jaebum sees Jinyoung's hand sneaking towards his cock, desperate to end the prolonged teasing, he swats it away, softening the gesture with a candy sweet kiss dropped on the corner of Jinyoung's lips. Jinyoung's tongue flickers out to pursue the traces of Jaebum's mouth, but he obediently lets his hand fall back to settle insistently on Jaebum's hip.
"Patience, my darling," Jaebum whispers in Jinyoung's ear, then climbs clumsily out of Jinyoung's lap, detaching his forceful hands and ignoring his pitiful whimpers as he kicks off his sweatpants, nearly tripping over the bunched up fabric.
Jinyoung's eyes gleam, his grumbling ceasing as Jaebum shyly tugs off his boxers, holding it in front of his groin to preserve a semblance of modesty as he climbs gracelessly onto Jinyoung's knees again, settling into the hollow of his lap so the swollen tip of Jinyoung's erection nudges the cleft of Jaebum's ass.
The denim of Jinyoung's jeans chafes roughly against Jaebum's ass, and he shivers in the chill of the air against his bare skin. But then Jinyoung's hands are on his ass, huge and marking, possessive, and Jaebum forgets everything.
It hurts at first, but once Jinyoung is halfway in he slides fully into Jaebum with relieving ease, the saliva working to lubricate and smoothen the friction and resistance. Jaebum feels the stretch in an untouched place inside him, feels Jinyoung splitting him open with his cock till he's a panting and sobbing mess. Jinyoung thrusts urgently up into him, roughly and forcefully as if he's trying to imprint himself into Jaebum... or as if he is terrifyingly out of control, every bit as out of his depth as Jaebum is. Jaebum is sure this is Jinyoung's first time with a man, first time with anybody. Any other alternative hurts to much to contemplate.
But Jaebum has his doubts when the string of senseless profanities Jinyoung is groaning evens alongside the pace of his thrusts into language which make Jaebum blush even hotter -- English endearments that Jaebum can vaguely comprehend interspersed with shamelessly filthy words like you like it there don't you baby tell me where you want my cock -- Jaebum feels his pace quickening at Jinyoung's low indecipherable mumuring flowing into his ear and grips his own cock with a careless hand. A few rough strokes are enough to bring himself to climax, spilling over Jinyoung's stomach as Jinyoung crushes him into his arms, slamming his pelvis into Jaebum's one final time before he explodes inside him. Jinyoung continues leaning his cheek against Jaebum's chest as they ride out the aftershocks, his torso pressed so closely against Jaebum that Jaebum can feel Jinyoung's heartbeat hammering against his stomach.
"Your heart's beating so fast," are the first words Jinyoung says. His voice has reverted back to the usual gentlemanly, refined Jinyoung that Jaebum knows so well, with no trace of the wild and untamed beast Jaebum had glimpsed for a split second. But Jaebum knows him well enough to detect the lingering traces of breathlessness in his voice, the raspiness that deepens it when it gets raw and hoarse.
"Yours is too," he laughs, and Jinyoung giggles when he hears Jaebum's laughter rumbling through his chest. A gleeful, boyish giggle that tugs at something buried in Jaebum's heart and robs him of breath for a moment.
Jinyoung is so agonizingly cute, no matter how fierce and tough he tries to act. No matter how much he tries to dominate Jaebum, it will never reverse the fact that Jaebum is the hyung he respects most and looks up most to. And Jaebum knows with certainty that no matter how their relationship evolves in future, nothing will ever alter their intrinsic dynamic -- how they were at the beginning, just, Jaebum and Jinyoung, working hard together to make their voices heard.
"Jaebum-hyung," Jinyoung says quietly behind him, struggling to hold back his laughter as he watches Jaebum make a spectacle of himself attempting to challenge the simple task of pulling on his boxers and sweatpants again. Jaebum ignores the sensation of Jinyoung's warm cum leaking from his ass, down his inner thigh, and finally wrenches up his sweatpants with a long-suffering sigh.
"My Jaebum-hyung," Jinyoung says again, voice caressing and indulgent and possessive, all at once. Jaebum takes a deep breath and turns to face him, and when he sees Jinyoung's dazzling smile shining up at him it's the basest of needs to take Jinyoung's chin with gentle fingers and lean down to kiss him chastely and heartbreakingly sweet.
None of this makes sense. None of this is safe or even right. This thing they have here -- what they just did -- is taboo, wrong, stupid, crazy, lawless, illegal, illogical. It's every negative adjective in the universe.
But then Jaebum looks down at Jinyoung, half-lidded, lips kiss swollen and eyes adoringly dark, filled with the kind of love Jaebum has been dreaming of and singing about this whole life, and Jaebum realizes that he doesn't need right or safe or comfortable. He needs Jinyoung.
Because if Jinyoung is both Jaebum's wings and the sun melting them -- then Jaebum is Icarus, recklessly flying closer.