Today I feel so blurred. My inner reflection is skewed by the jagged edges of a life that suddenly crashed onto the floor, leaving me with a heart vulnerable to loving someone who'd never love me. My motivations and desires are difficult to distinguish from each other. But if I go into a discussion of them now, I'll just overanalyze myself until I ( Read more... )

Solitaire issued his standard invitation for me to spend Lent in his home with Deacon and Jam. He doesn't mind if his father would strongly disapprove of my coming there; they haven't been on good terms for a long time already. I hope that my father doesn't hear of it though. He'll make things difficult, he doesn't approve of my living away from ( Read more... )

I adore you. I desire to be yours ( Read more... )

It took me a while, but at last I've updated. Yesterday was simply--nice. Richard came to the bookstore before it closed, waiting for me to finish everything up. He was surprised to see me somberly dressed for work, I could see that. But he doesn't know that this is the way I did go to work, everyday. He's so used to seeing me as a goth that he ( Read more... )

At times I wonder if it is right for me, a man who has always known where my preferences lie, to make moves to someone who is to all appearances straight. I wonder if I would be forcing him to my side in my need to be with someone I love. Such musings came to me when I said good night to Richard tonight ( Read more... )

Solitaire mailed me some good advice that I decided to follow through as soon as I get off work. He told me that I should try to be friends with Richard, instead of rushing into everything like a fool. And he's right, I've been so busy feeling myself in love with Richard that I don't know a lot about him, his likes, his dislikes...I don't even know ( Read more... )

I am thinking of telling Solitaire of what happened tonight, but it's not for me to talk about it, is it? Thankfully, he's unaware I have an online journal, which is going to be helpful. I simply have to tell people about it. Before that, though...work was easier, and I can't decide whether it's because of the tequila or it's simply easier. To all ( Read more... )

Grantaire passed by at work today and asked if I would like to have dinner in his flat. I agreed, I haven't seen him in a while; he didn't follow A to where he works now. It makes me wonder if it's tied in to the letter he asked me to give A. I went to his flat immediately after work, I didn't promise A to go to the club today ( Read more... )

The time has come to say good-bye...
The last laugh has been heard;
The last song has been played;
The final tears have been shed.
Now there will be the nothingness
Of an empty heart.But as I try to write again I stop, for the burning in my chest feels hard to bear. Listening to music doesn't help at all; instead I start thinking how you might like ( Read more... )

I could simply walk away from the source of my torment now, right? I can simply just vanish from his life like I never was there, leaving no ripple on his placid demeanor. But I can't. Asking me to walk away is asking me to not see the colours of a rainbow. You would have to strike me blind to forget the beauty of the vibrant colours fading into ( Read more... )