Camp Wilderness Chapter 9
Well here we have the whole morning after thing. I found this quite hard to write, so I hope it works! I guess we're back to PG. This may have echoes of the latest chapter of BFF. This was not intentional, purely a coincidence: it was always going to be this way.
Thanks to everyone for all the lovely comments. Please keep reading and commenting.
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CHAPTER 9
Jack lay on the ground, a wet and sticky mess, trying to think but no thoughts would come. All he could think was 'I just had sex. My first time. Sex. Like a grown up. With Ennis. I just had sex with Ennis'. That was all that his brain could process right now, so he pulled up his jeans, curled into a ball on his side and shut his eyes.
He woke up later with no idea how much time had passed. It could have been hours or maybe just a few minutes. The whole evening already had a surreal quality to it, he wouldnt be surprised to find himself back in the tent after an incredibly real dream. But the smell of soil in his nose reminded him where he was. His clothes felt loose and baggy as they do when you sleep in them. He felt a bit sore all over but he'd carried on as normal after an awful lot worse so he just got to his feet and slowly made his way back to the tents. All the way he kept thinking about Ennis and what he was going to say or do when he saw him. He felt quite pleased with himself as he made his way through the woods. He'd just lost his virginity and that was a pretty major deal, something he hadnt given much thought to and hadnt imagined happening until he was older and happier with who he was. But it had, and with Ennis. Ennis who Jack had liked since the moment he first laid eyes on him. Ennis who had become his friend. Ennis who seemed to know everything. Ennis who had the nicest smile he'd ever seen, the sweetest laugh he'd ever heard, the kindest and quietest way of just getting on with things he'd ever come across, and yes, Jack thought with a grin, the finest body he'd ever noticed. And it looked like Ennis had to feel something back as otherwise he wouldnt have done what he'd just done. Jack's thoughts about being gay had stopped with the idea of touching another boy, maybe kissing him. He'd not thought about what happened beyond that, and yet he'd just done it. Gone all the way, no turning back now and taking it back either. He wondered whether it had been good or not. Obviously he had no basis for comparison but it seemed like it had gone how it was supposed to. He had heard first times were always a bit messed up, but all he could remember was pain and then pleasure and then peace. Ennis had run off though. That wasnt good, that much he knew. Maybe Jack had done something wrong. Maybe he was supposed to do something as well, or say something, and he'd messed it up. But he couldnt quite work out what or how. So perhaps Ennis was angry or upset with him. Or maybe Ennis was embarrassed. Although Jack couldnt see how. Ennis always knew what he was doing and Jack hadn't made him do anything, it had all been Ennis: And Ennis had to want to do it otherwise it wouldnt have worked. It couldnt have been a mistake cause you cant do something like that by accident. But maybe Ennis......Jack made himself stop his thoughts. He was back at the tent and keeping his thoughts to himself wasnt going to do any good. He could think a million thoughts or no thoughts. In the end none of them mattered, only what Ennis thought mattered.
He clicked on his torch and peered into the tent. Looked like Ennis was asleep in his sleeping bag. He was all the way inside it, not even his head sticking out, and it was drawn shut at the top so that it looked like a body bag. Or a cocoon. The only way Jack could tell Ennis was inside was because the sleeping bag was rising up and down with even breathing. Jack whispered "Ennis" a few times but got no response. He didnt try and be quiet as he got ready for bed, but the sleeping bag did not stir. Jack got into his own sleeping bag sadly wondering how he could have messed things up and whether Ennis would ever talk to him again. All Jack wanted was to see those eyes and know he hadnt just lost his only friend.
The next day was miserable for Jack. He had barely slept. When he heard Ennis getting up he'd called "Ennis?" across the tent a few times, but Ennis had just rushed out the probably without even hearing the pleading...."See you later?" Jack had asked after him. Throughout the day people kept asking what was wrong and Jack had said everything was ok. He was glad he got to stand most of the morning in the workshop as sitting down for breakfast had been a bit painful. He worked through lunch, and for a lot of the afternoon, busying himself with cutting up wood on the huge mechanical saw for all sort so of projects. Working with the big saw meant you had to concentrate and so he had less time to dwell on Ennis. But dwell on him he still did. And he came back to the same thought he had last night which was that he wasnt going to figure this out alone. He had to talk to Ennis, or more accurately, he had to hope Ennis would talk to him. And he could not shake two feelings from his mind however much he tried. One was the feeling he had before it had happened where he had wanted to kiss Ennis. More than anything in the world he still wanted to kiss him. Whatever Ennis thought of him, Jack's feelings for Ennis had not changed. In fact they had probably magnified ten-fold. The other feeling had been what it had felt like when Ennis had been inside him and the pain had given way to something fantastic. He knew sooner or later he wanted to feel that again. If only Ennis could feel either of these two things then maybe they had a chance.
Jack eventually ran out of wood to saw so he gave up and headed for the Pool. He changed quickly and dived in. He did 30 lengths of the pool without stopping. Fast strokes up and down until he felt somehow fresh again and full of hope. He flipped onto his back and started daydreaming as he began floating. They would work it out and they would do it again, and it would be just as good, if not better because didnt they always say it got better. And Jack would kiss Ennis, maybe Ennis would kiss him. Maybe Ennis would hug Jack, Jack certainly wanted to hug Ennis. Maybe there was other things they could do. He wanted to tell Ennis how he felt and how Ennis made him feel. He wanted to hear what Ennis thought. He wanted to say I Love You to someone and maybe one day hear someone say it to him. That person could be Ennis. He let his thoughts drift as he lay drifting himself.
Jack stayed in the pool for hours. He had long since turned all wrinkly and was feeling quite calm and peaceful as he lay horizontally staring at the darkening sky above, when suddenly he felt like he was not alone. Out of nowhere a quiet voice said "Hey Little Otter, can I come in?," and as Jack scrambled into a standing position, Ennis lowered himself into the pool at the shallow end. Jack started trembling as he walked towards him. He got to within a foot of Ennis and stopped.
"Ummmm" Ennis said, looking down.
"I...." Jack began but he didnt know where to start. He kept shifting from one foot to the other, a slow nervous hop. All his thoughts and plans rippled away from him like the water he was stood in. His heart ached, his whole body was trembling, his brain felt foggy. He closed his eyes, held his breath and sank under the water. He started counting slowly in his head, putting all his energy into one number after another. He could get upto 60 easily, but he got as far as 22 and then felt ghostly movement and the water around him changed as something came closer. He rose back to the surface and opened his eyes and the minute he did Ennis said: "I'm sorry." He paused then: "God I'm sorry. So sorry. Are you ok?"
"Yes," Jack said before his mind could even decide if he was ok.
"Did I hurt you?" Ennis asked. For the first time since he met, Ennis looked afraid, and it made Jack sad, Ennis suddenly looked no older than Jack himself.
"No," Jack lied.
"You're lying" Ennis said, "I know I hurt you."
"Ennis," Jack said, and as he said his name Ennis looked up and into his eyes. Jack's heart melted. "Ok, it hurt a bit, but not so much. Honestly, and the pain went and then it was like....." but he had to stop because he didnt know the words to say what it was like. "It was like.....it was like something really really nice. Really nice Ennis. Really." And he smiled at Ennis in a way he hoped was encouraging and reassuring. The corner of Ennis' mouth twitched.
"Really?" Ennis said, Jack just nodded, "Mmmm." And then Ennis smiled, a small smile, but that was enough to make him look like the Ennis from before again.
"Sorry I left" Ennis said, then it all came out in a flood. "I was scared I hurt you, you had such strange look on your face like you werent really there. And what I did was like an animal. And I know it must have been hurting you but I coudnt stop myself, I had to keep going because it felt so good. I couldnt stop myself even though I thought maybe you wanted me to. And then when I was finished you still had that look. And I felt so bad for what I did I thought I better leave you before I hurt you anymore. And then by the time I got back to the tent I was all scared. I felt like I broke you..... like I'd broken this perfect......And then my dad. I loved my dad. I did. But I could just hear him talking about these 2 guys from back home that lived near us. My dad called them queer and said such horrid things about them.......and he always said how it was wrong. And I've had girlfriends but now I......when I saw you......you're just......I......had to. Felt good. But wrong. And you looked so lost.....and and and..." and Ennis was almost choking out the words. He took a few gulps then said:
"You know, I think I'm queer"
"Me too, " Jack replied, "you know Ennis, it's ok...." But Ennis was shaking his head. Then nodding his head. So Jack shushed and let him continue. "I dont care what my dad thinks. Well. I did. But now I dont. And not just coz he'd been dead for years. Cos so what if I like a man instead of a woman, dont really matter. And then when you came back and were calling my name I didnt know what to say. I thought you'd hate me for hurting you and doing that to you like an animal. I'm so ashamed, not coz of you, not coz of what we did. But how we did it. Aint right. Should've treated you better."
"Ennis, Ennis, Ennis. Oh Ennis", Jack said, so happy be talking and saying Ennis' name that he couldnt stop saying it. Wanted to keep on saying it. "Ennis. I'm not broke. I'm not lost. I was broke I guess, for years, and lost too, but not any more. Honestly, I promise you, last night, however I looked, it wasnt bad. It.....I......something happened to me too you know? I liked it. I liked what we did." Jack couldnt bring himself to say the words as they made it sound all clinical or crude and it hadnt been either. He hoped Ennis knew what he was trying to say. His eyes flicked down to his trunks, across to Ennis-who, now he noticed, wasnt wearing trunks but was wearing a pair of dark boxer shorts. Jack started to blush and quickly raised his eyes back to Ennis. Ennis' eyes widened. "So it wasnt all bad?" Ennis asked, and when Jack nodded, Ennis visibly relaxed. And then he smiled a proper smile and said to Jack, "So we could do it again?" Jack giggled nervously. Bit his bottom lip, bit his top lip.
"I........"
"I mean, " Ennis quickly stepped in, "we dont have to, but I'd like to. Only if you want. Or we dont have to. If you dont want. But. Well. I'd like to. If it's ok with you?"
"Ennis.....I....not yet.....I" and Jack faltered. His heart was soring that Ennis liked him back and wanted to do things. But he didnt want to do that again yet. Not so soon and not till they rewound a bit and did some of the stuff that normally led up to sex. But Jack didnt now how to say any of that. Instead he said:
"I want to kiss you"
"Ok"
"I mean, I'd like to kiss you."
"Ok".
"You see, last night, I really wanted to, but then I didnt, and now, well, I really want to again and....."
"Jack, I said ok" Ennis said for the third time.
"Ok" Jack said. And time stopped still as he took a step closer to Ennis. Then with a sinking feeling he realised he didnt know how to kiss Ennis. He'd never kissed anyone before. He licked his lips. Once, twice, three times. He was so nervous he was shivering. How could he not know how to kiss. And Ennis was just waiting. So he did all he knew and pursed his lips together and gave Ennis a delicate peck on the cheek. Blushing bright red he then backed away into the deeper water until just his head was above the surface. Then he said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I've never kissed anyone. I dont know what to do" and he slid his face beneath the surface so he didnt have to see Ennis' expression. As he sank to the bottom the cool water soothed his embarrassment. He opened his eyes under water and he could see the hazy blurry shape of Ennis legs. He stood and watched then for a few seconds. They hadnt moved, he wasnt running away, he was still there waiting. So Jack swam under water until he was back in front of Ennis again, then he resurfaced, a foot a part once more. "I'm sorry," he said again. "It's alright", Ennis replied, then "Just do it like on tv, or in the movies". Jack wanted Ennis to kiss him insetead, but he'd got himself into this, he guessed he better get himself out.
Ennis' hair was all wet from the water. Damp curls were clinging to his forehead, Jack tentatively reached up one hand and brushed a curl from where it was stuck. Like the movies. He left his hand on Ennis' cheek where it had come to rest. His other hand crept up and he smoothed away more wet hair and then wiped some drips that were falling from the top of Ennis' head. He could see more drops clinging to Ennis' eyebrows and gathered on his top lip. Jack took a step closer realising he was now holding Ennis' face in his hands. He'd seen that in the movies. Ennis opened his mouth a bit, Jack copied the movement and opened his. He hovered for one more second, and Ennis reached up with both his hands and pulled Jack down so that their open lips came together. Ennis started moving his lips open and shut so Jack just copied the rhythm and that was it. They were kissing. Jack pushed harder against Ennis' mouth as Ennis pushed harder into his. He could taste Ennis and it was the nicest thing he had ever tasted. Better than anything he could or would ever cook. He felt Ennis' tongue push into his mouth so he pushed his tongue into Ennis'. Ennis increased his grip on Jack's head and seemed to pull him in even closer even though they were as close as could be. Under the water Ennis' legs circled round Jack's, and with a strong movement Ennis suddenly pulled Jack's head under the water with his. He was still kissing him and Jack was tying to kiss back, they kept their mouthes stuck togther for a few seconds but Jack knew they had to keep the seal or else they'd be inhaling water, and he lost his concentration and felt water trickle into his mouth. Ennis released his legs and they both rose to the surface coughing and spluttering. But grinning and laughing too.
"Wow" Jack said. He felt like a superhero, like he could do anything. A massive grin broke out across his face and he lay back in the water to look up at the night sky. Ennis hauled himself out of the pool in one fluid movement, the water cascading off him like some magnificent mystical magical creature. Jack remained floating on his back, goofy grin still in place, just wanting to bask in the moment a bit longer. Ennis got down on his tummy and reached out over the water. He grabbed Jack's arm and lightly pulled Jack's floating body till he was flush with the side of the pool. Still holding on he bent down and planted a wet kiss on Jack's forehead. Ennis' wet hair was dripping into Jack's eyes so he closed them and heard Ennis whisper, "Come back to the tent.......please little otter" and then he heard Ennis get to his feet and walk away.
Jack kept his eyes shut long after Ennis' footsteps disappeared into the distance. He licked his lips and he could taste water and chlorine but also Ennis. He didnt know how to describe the taste, it certainly wasnt like any food, but he could just tell it was Ennis. It tasted how Ennis smelt, but he couldn't describe the smell either. It was just Ennis. Kissing him had felt amazing, Jack could not believe this was happening. He felt so happy it was like he was going to burst. A warm feeling had started in his belly as soon as Ennis had slipped into the water, and now it had grown and grown until Jack looked down and almost expected to see his stomach glowing bright from within. He felt so happy and warm pulses flowed through him. He grabbed his towel and headed for the showers, and he just coudlnt stop grinning throughout the shower and all the way back to the tent. Luckily he didnt see anyone as how would he explain himself? And then Jack realised he had forgotten about everyone else and where they were. Lost in the moment he suddenly remembered there were 12 other kids and loads of adults all around. Adults. Adults who could hurt and punish him. Could hurt Ennis. They couldnt know. They had to be careful.
With his thoughts momentarily back in the real world he stepped into the tent somewhat nervously, not sure what he'd find. Ennis was laying down ontop of his sleeping bag, only wearing another pair of boxer shorts. He grinned and sat up as Jack came in, gently took the towel Jack was clutching in his hands.
"Come here" Ennis whispered holding out a hand. Jack took it and let Ennis pull him down into a squatting position. "There's a better way we can do it", Ennis started, but Jack shook his head. "Ok, " Ennis said looking a bit confused but moved quickly on, "I know something else we can do......lay down and I'll......" But Jack shook his head again. Ennis began to pull at Jack's t-shirt but Jack stopped him. "I'm sorry Ennis, I can't, I just can't" Jack said in a tiny voice. "It's alright, " Ennis said, "it's alright, plenty of time for all that. We'll work something out"
"My back..." Jack started but Ennis just put a finger to his lips. "Hush now, " Ennis said. Jack crouched lower.
"Ennis?"
"Jack."
"Ennis?" Jack's voice was getting quieter and quieter.
"Yes, Jack?"
"Ennis. Please will you hold me?" Jack said in a barely audible whisper.
"Course, " Ennis said, and patted the sleeping bag next to him. Jack gingerly positioned himself on his side, straight, laying next to Ennis but not touching him. Jack had gone all nervous and shy, but Ennis just shook his head, patted his chest, and Jack crawled into a position where his head was resting on Ennis' chest, the rest of him kind of sloping off Ennis at an acute angle. Ennis lifted his head and Jack tentatively slid his arms round Ennis' neck. Ennis nodded that this was fine, then wrapped his legs round Jack, pulling him in closer again, as he had done in the pool. Ennis then threaded his arms under Jack's armpits, crossed them, and then pressed down on the back of Jack's head so he was gently holding Jack to him.
Jack's body started to shudder as he began to weep silent tears. Ennis still heard them and felt them and just held Jack tighter. Jack continued to cry quietly. He had never felt so safe.
Thanks to everyone for all the lovely comments. Please keep reading and commenting.
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CHAPTER 9
Jack lay on the ground, a wet and sticky mess, trying to think but no thoughts would come. All he could think was 'I just had sex. My first time. Sex. Like a grown up. With Ennis. I just had sex with Ennis'. That was all that his brain could process right now, so he pulled up his jeans, curled into a ball on his side and shut his eyes.
He woke up later with no idea how much time had passed. It could have been hours or maybe just a few minutes. The whole evening already had a surreal quality to it, he wouldnt be surprised to find himself back in the tent after an incredibly real dream. But the smell of soil in his nose reminded him where he was. His clothes felt loose and baggy as they do when you sleep in them. He felt a bit sore all over but he'd carried on as normal after an awful lot worse so he just got to his feet and slowly made his way back to the tents. All the way he kept thinking about Ennis and what he was going to say or do when he saw him. He felt quite pleased with himself as he made his way through the woods. He'd just lost his virginity and that was a pretty major deal, something he hadnt given much thought to and hadnt imagined happening until he was older and happier with who he was. But it had, and with Ennis. Ennis who Jack had liked since the moment he first laid eyes on him. Ennis who had become his friend. Ennis who seemed to know everything. Ennis who had the nicest smile he'd ever seen, the sweetest laugh he'd ever heard, the kindest and quietest way of just getting on with things he'd ever come across, and yes, Jack thought with a grin, the finest body he'd ever noticed. And it looked like Ennis had to feel something back as otherwise he wouldnt have done what he'd just done. Jack's thoughts about being gay had stopped with the idea of touching another boy, maybe kissing him. He'd not thought about what happened beyond that, and yet he'd just done it. Gone all the way, no turning back now and taking it back either. He wondered whether it had been good or not. Obviously he had no basis for comparison but it seemed like it had gone how it was supposed to. He had heard first times were always a bit messed up, but all he could remember was pain and then pleasure and then peace. Ennis had run off though. That wasnt good, that much he knew. Maybe Jack had done something wrong. Maybe he was supposed to do something as well, or say something, and he'd messed it up. But he couldnt quite work out what or how. So perhaps Ennis was angry or upset with him. Or maybe Ennis was embarrassed. Although Jack couldnt see how. Ennis always knew what he was doing and Jack hadn't made him do anything, it had all been Ennis: And Ennis had to want to do it otherwise it wouldnt have worked. It couldnt have been a mistake cause you cant do something like that by accident. But maybe Ennis......Jack made himself stop his thoughts. He was back at the tent and keeping his thoughts to himself wasnt going to do any good. He could think a million thoughts or no thoughts. In the end none of them mattered, only what Ennis thought mattered.
He clicked on his torch and peered into the tent. Looked like Ennis was asleep in his sleeping bag. He was all the way inside it, not even his head sticking out, and it was drawn shut at the top so that it looked like a body bag. Or a cocoon. The only way Jack could tell Ennis was inside was because the sleeping bag was rising up and down with even breathing. Jack whispered "Ennis" a few times but got no response. He didnt try and be quiet as he got ready for bed, but the sleeping bag did not stir. Jack got into his own sleeping bag sadly wondering how he could have messed things up and whether Ennis would ever talk to him again. All Jack wanted was to see those eyes and know he hadnt just lost his only friend.
The next day was miserable for Jack. He had barely slept. When he heard Ennis getting up he'd called "Ennis?" across the tent a few times, but Ennis had just rushed out the probably without even hearing the pleading...."See you later?" Jack had asked after him. Throughout the day people kept asking what was wrong and Jack had said everything was ok. He was glad he got to stand most of the morning in the workshop as sitting down for breakfast had been a bit painful. He worked through lunch, and for a lot of the afternoon, busying himself with cutting up wood on the huge mechanical saw for all sort so of projects. Working with the big saw meant you had to concentrate and so he had less time to dwell on Ennis. But dwell on him he still did. And he came back to the same thought he had last night which was that he wasnt going to figure this out alone. He had to talk to Ennis, or more accurately, he had to hope Ennis would talk to him. And he could not shake two feelings from his mind however much he tried. One was the feeling he had before it had happened where he had wanted to kiss Ennis. More than anything in the world he still wanted to kiss him. Whatever Ennis thought of him, Jack's feelings for Ennis had not changed. In fact they had probably magnified ten-fold. The other feeling had been what it had felt like when Ennis had been inside him and the pain had given way to something fantastic. He knew sooner or later he wanted to feel that again. If only Ennis could feel either of these two things then maybe they had a chance.
Jack eventually ran out of wood to saw so he gave up and headed for the Pool. He changed quickly and dived in. He did 30 lengths of the pool without stopping. Fast strokes up and down until he felt somehow fresh again and full of hope. He flipped onto his back and started daydreaming as he began floating. They would work it out and they would do it again, and it would be just as good, if not better because didnt they always say it got better. And Jack would kiss Ennis, maybe Ennis would kiss him. Maybe Ennis would hug Jack, Jack certainly wanted to hug Ennis. Maybe there was other things they could do. He wanted to tell Ennis how he felt and how Ennis made him feel. He wanted to hear what Ennis thought. He wanted to say I Love You to someone and maybe one day hear someone say it to him. That person could be Ennis. He let his thoughts drift as he lay drifting himself.
Jack stayed in the pool for hours. He had long since turned all wrinkly and was feeling quite calm and peaceful as he lay horizontally staring at the darkening sky above, when suddenly he felt like he was not alone. Out of nowhere a quiet voice said "Hey Little Otter, can I come in?," and as Jack scrambled into a standing position, Ennis lowered himself into the pool at the shallow end. Jack started trembling as he walked towards him. He got to within a foot of Ennis and stopped.
"Ummmm" Ennis said, looking down.
"I...." Jack began but he didnt know where to start. He kept shifting from one foot to the other, a slow nervous hop. All his thoughts and plans rippled away from him like the water he was stood in. His heart ached, his whole body was trembling, his brain felt foggy. He closed his eyes, held his breath and sank under the water. He started counting slowly in his head, putting all his energy into one number after another. He could get upto 60 easily, but he got as far as 22 and then felt ghostly movement and the water around him changed as something came closer. He rose back to the surface and opened his eyes and the minute he did Ennis said: "I'm sorry." He paused then: "God I'm sorry. So sorry. Are you ok?"
"Yes," Jack said before his mind could even decide if he was ok.
"Did I hurt you?" Ennis asked. For the first time since he met, Ennis looked afraid, and it made Jack sad, Ennis suddenly looked no older than Jack himself.
"No," Jack lied.
"You're lying" Ennis said, "I know I hurt you."
"Ennis," Jack said, and as he said his name Ennis looked up and into his eyes. Jack's heart melted. "Ok, it hurt a bit, but not so much. Honestly, and the pain went and then it was like....." but he had to stop because he didnt know the words to say what it was like. "It was like.....it was like something really really nice. Really nice Ennis. Really." And he smiled at Ennis in a way he hoped was encouraging and reassuring. The corner of Ennis' mouth twitched.
"Really?" Ennis said, Jack just nodded, "Mmmm." And then Ennis smiled, a small smile, but that was enough to make him look like the Ennis from before again.
"Sorry I left" Ennis said, then it all came out in a flood. "I was scared I hurt you, you had such strange look on your face like you werent really there. And what I did was like an animal. And I know it must have been hurting you but I coudnt stop myself, I had to keep going because it felt so good. I couldnt stop myself even though I thought maybe you wanted me to. And then when I was finished you still had that look. And I felt so bad for what I did I thought I better leave you before I hurt you anymore. And then by the time I got back to the tent I was all scared. I felt like I broke you..... like I'd broken this perfect......And then my dad. I loved my dad. I did. But I could just hear him talking about these 2 guys from back home that lived near us. My dad called them queer and said such horrid things about them.......and he always said how it was wrong. And I've had girlfriends but now I......when I saw you......you're just......I......had to. Felt good. But wrong. And you looked so lost.....and and and..." and Ennis was almost choking out the words. He took a few gulps then said:
"You know, I think I'm queer"
"Me too, " Jack replied, "you know Ennis, it's ok...." But Ennis was shaking his head. Then nodding his head. So Jack shushed and let him continue. "I dont care what my dad thinks. Well. I did. But now I dont. And not just coz he'd been dead for years. Cos so what if I like a man instead of a woman, dont really matter. And then when you came back and were calling my name I didnt know what to say. I thought you'd hate me for hurting you and doing that to you like an animal. I'm so ashamed, not coz of you, not coz of what we did. But how we did it. Aint right. Should've treated you better."
"Ennis, Ennis, Ennis. Oh Ennis", Jack said, so happy be talking and saying Ennis' name that he couldnt stop saying it. Wanted to keep on saying it. "Ennis. I'm not broke. I'm not lost. I was broke I guess, for years, and lost too, but not any more. Honestly, I promise you, last night, however I looked, it wasnt bad. It.....I......something happened to me too you know? I liked it. I liked what we did." Jack couldnt bring himself to say the words as they made it sound all clinical or crude and it hadnt been either. He hoped Ennis knew what he was trying to say. His eyes flicked down to his trunks, across to Ennis-who, now he noticed, wasnt wearing trunks but was wearing a pair of dark boxer shorts. Jack started to blush and quickly raised his eyes back to Ennis. Ennis' eyes widened. "So it wasnt all bad?" Ennis asked, and when Jack nodded, Ennis visibly relaxed. And then he smiled a proper smile and said to Jack, "So we could do it again?" Jack giggled nervously. Bit his bottom lip, bit his top lip.
"I........"
"I mean, " Ennis quickly stepped in, "we dont have to, but I'd like to. Only if you want. Or we dont have to. If you dont want. But. Well. I'd like to. If it's ok with you?"
"Ennis.....I....not yet.....I" and Jack faltered. His heart was soring that Ennis liked him back and wanted to do things. But he didnt want to do that again yet. Not so soon and not till they rewound a bit and did some of the stuff that normally led up to sex. But Jack didnt now how to say any of that. Instead he said:
"I want to kiss you"
"Ok"
"I mean, I'd like to kiss you."
"Ok".
"You see, last night, I really wanted to, but then I didnt, and now, well, I really want to again and....."
"Jack, I said ok" Ennis said for the third time.
"Ok" Jack said. And time stopped still as he took a step closer to Ennis. Then with a sinking feeling he realised he didnt know how to kiss Ennis. He'd never kissed anyone before. He licked his lips. Once, twice, three times. He was so nervous he was shivering. How could he not know how to kiss. And Ennis was just waiting. So he did all he knew and pursed his lips together and gave Ennis a delicate peck on the cheek. Blushing bright red he then backed away into the deeper water until just his head was above the surface. Then he said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I've never kissed anyone. I dont know what to do" and he slid his face beneath the surface so he didnt have to see Ennis' expression. As he sank to the bottom the cool water soothed his embarrassment. He opened his eyes under water and he could see the hazy blurry shape of Ennis legs. He stood and watched then for a few seconds. They hadnt moved, he wasnt running away, he was still there waiting. So Jack swam under water until he was back in front of Ennis again, then he resurfaced, a foot a part once more. "I'm sorry," he said again. "It's alright", Ennis replied, then "Just do it like on tv, or in the movies". Jack wanted Ennis to kiss him insetead, but he'd got himself into this, he guessed he better get himself out.
Ennis' hair was all wet from the water. Damp curls were clinging to his forehead, Jack tentatively reached up one hand and brushed a curl from where it was stuck. Like the movies. He left his hand on Ennis' cheek where it had come to rest. His other hand crept up and he smoothed away more wet hair and then wiped some drips that were falling from the top of Ennis' head. He could see more drops clinging to Ennis' eyebrows and gathered on his top lip. Jack took a step closer realising he was now holding Ennis' face in his hands. He'd seen that in the movies. Ennis opened his mouth a bit, Jack copied the movement and opened his. He hovered for one more second, and Ennis reached up with both his hands and pulled Jack down so that their open lips came together. Ennis started moving his lips open and shut so Jack just copied the rhythm and that was it. They were kissing. Jack pushed harder against Ennis' mouth as Ennis pushed harder into his. He could taste Ennis and it was the nicest thing he had ever tasted. Better than anything he could or would ever cook. He felt Ennis' tongue push into his mouth so he pushed his tongue into Ennis'. Ennis increased his grip on Jack's head and seemed to pull him in even closer even though they were as close as could be. Under the water Ennis' legs circled round Jack's, and with a strong movement Ennis suddenly pulled Jack's head under the water with his. He was still kissing him and Jack was tying to kiss back, they kept their mouthes stuck togther for a few seconds but Jack knew they had to keep the seal or else they'd be inhaling water, and he lost his concentration and felt water trickle into his mouth. Ennis released his legs and they both rose to the surface coughing and spluttering. But grinning and laughing too.
"Wow" Jack said. He felt like a superhero, like he could do anything. A massive grin broke out across his face and he lay back in the water to look up at the night sky. Ennis hauled himself out of the pool in one fluid movement, the water cascading off him like some magnificent mystical magical creature. Jack remained floating on his back, goofy grin still in place, just wanting to bask in the moment a bit longer. Ennis got down on his tummy and reached out over the water. He grabbed Jack's arm and lightly pulled Jack's floating body till he was flush with the side of the pool. Still holding on he bent down and planted a wet kiss on Jack's forehead. Ennis' wet hair was dripping into Jack's eyes so he closed them and heard Ennis whisper, "Come back to the tent.......please little otter" and then he heard Ennis get to his feet and walk away.
Jack kept his eyes shut long after Ennis' footsteps disappeared into the distance. He licked his lips and he could taste water and chlorine but also Ennis. He didnt know how to describe the taste, it certainly wasnt like any food, but he could just tell it was Ennis. It tasted how Ennis smelt, but he couldn't describe the smell either. It was just Ennis. Kissing him had felt amazing, Jack could not believe this was happening. He felt so happy it was like he was going to burst. A warm feeling had started in his belly as soon as Ennis had slipped into the water, and now it had grown and grown until Jack looked down and almost expected to see his stomach glowing bright from within. He felt so happy and warm pulses flowed through him. He grabbed his towel and headed for the showers, and he just coudlnt stop grinning throughout the shower and all the way back to the tent. Luckily he didnt see anyone as how would he explain himself? And then Jack realised he had forgotten about everyone else and where they were. Lost in the moment he suddenly remembered there were 12 other kids and loads of adults all around. Adults. Adults who could hurt and punish him. Could hurt Ennis. They couldnt know. They had to be careful.
With his thoughts momentarily back in the real world he stepped into the tent somewhat nervously, not sure what he'd find. Ennis was laying down ontop of his sleeping bag, only wearing another pair of boxer shorts. He grinned and sat up as Jack came in, gently took the towel Jack was clutching in his hands.
"Come here" Ennis whispered holding out a hand. Jack took it and let Ennis pull him down into a squatting position. "There's a better way we can do it", Ennis started, but Jack shook his head. "Ok, " Ennis said looking a bit confused but moved quickly on, "I know something else we can do......lay down and I'll......" But Jack shook his head again. Ennis began to pull at Jack's t-shirt but Jack stopped him. "I'm sorry Ennis, I can't, I just can't" Jack said in a tiny voice. "It's alright, " Ennis said, "it's alright, plenty of time for all that. We'll work something out"
"My back..." Jack started but Ennis just put a finger to his lips. "Hush now, " Ennis said. Jack crouched lower.
"Ennis?"
"Jack."
"Ennis?" Jack's voice was getting quieter and quieter.
"Yes, Jack?"
"Ennis. Please will you hold me?" Jack said in a barely audible whisper.
"Course, " Ennis said, and patted the sleeping bag next to him. Jack gingerly positioned himself on his side, straight, laying next to Ennis but not touching him. Jack had gone all nervous and shy, but Ennis just shook his head, patted his chest, and Jack crawled into a position where his head was resting on Ennis' chest, the rest of him kind of sloping off Ennis at an acute angle. Ennis lifted his head and Jack tentatively slid his arms round Ennis' neck. Ennis nodded that this was fine, then wrapped his legs round Jack, pulling him in closer again, as he had done in the pool. Ennis then threaded his arms under Jack's armpits, crossed them, and then pressed down on the back of Jack's head so he was gently holding Jack to him.
Jack's body started to shudder as he began to weep silent tears. Ennis still heard them and felt them and just held Jack tighter. Jack continued to cry quietly. He had never felt so safe.