(no subject)
A very belated essay in response to my last post with Kizna and a peek at how her mind works in general.
What's probably most notable with Kizna's issue with having amnesia is that. . . Well, she doesn't have issues with it. Sure, she wasn't accepting of it at first, but she learned everything there was to know, made her decision, and moved on.
Kizna doesn't think of herself as anything less than whole. She knows she's missing what some people have, but that's just how it is. She has a lot that she can make by her own hands to fill up the gaps of what she lacks, like a family, childhood, and so on. It's not a handicap. Sure, she can't understand what other people go on about sometimes, but it's the same way a foreigner tries to explain something to you and it just goes over your head. It doesn't unsettle her to learn about things she's missing; she just wants to learn as much as she can.
On that note, Kizna is young and naive in a way. She knows it, but she can't help it. The experiences people build off of are blocked to her and she doesn't have a lot to create a foundation with. Still, her time at G.O.A. was a great learning experience, not just in academics but in social ways. Kizna got to socialize with amazing people who rubbed off on her and then she did the same in turn once she had enough to create an identity. Even before G.O.A., Kizna knew she had to set her foot down on who she wanted to be. She dyed her hair bright pink and went to a military academy with little to no past, determined to be a pilot - That was who she wanted to be.
It's still a learning and growing process even now. She spends a lot of time thinking and reflecting on where she's been and where she's going. Kizna tries her best to remember everything she can, because she'll need it later as well as all of her memories being precious to her now. (It's why she has nightmares that she'll forget it all again.) However, Kizna feels differently about the memories she lost. She knows there is a reason why her mind wiped them. While she wants to know about everything she's missing, even what happened to her that caused her amnesia, Kizna knows it's also dangerous. Anything she remembers could easily break what she's built up in nearly three years.
The fact is that Kizna can/will remember her past. She's decided to cross that bridge when she comes to it. Still, she regards her past with trepidation, if not outright fear at times. Not only for what happened, but because it can shatter her present. Kizna's greatest hope is that even if she does remember her past, she will not be changed greatly by it and will be able to accept it. The contrary is just as true.
Her amnesia also brings an insecurity in Kizna. She has a great amount of confidence in herself, in her skills, and so on. Still, she's not like everyone else. While she could care less for the setback it causes her, Kizna knows not everyone else can be as accepting of that. Just how some people can let her ears slide without comment and others treat her oddly for it, though she doesn't punch people who can't understand her amnesia. This is simply another fact she accepts, albeit begrudgingly as she expects the best of people and would prefer not to be discriminated against something she can't control.
So, yes. Kizna is super secure in her fears and insecurities. She knows they're only natural, so there's no use pretending they aren't there.
However, camp shakes that security up a bit. When she came to camp, she heard about everyone getting ears for Loveless weekend and immediately panicked at it. What camp giveth, camp taketh away. Kizna knew she could lose her ears and almost anticipated it.
Most of the viruses wouldn't phase her, though one made her stop for a moment - The deaging virus. Now, I'm still on the bench on if I'd ever have her catch this virus, leaning towards not. Still, she worries she could catch it either way. Just as she's scared to get her memories back, being young and thus able to pass on information she lost is scary too. Kizna won't remember anything from her past that way, or she could - there's no telling really, but knowing camp can tap into them before she is able to is disconcerting. So, in addition to her fears that she'd come to accept, she has new ones - Ones she hasn't processed through yet.
Kizna is more wary of deaging than remembering her past at the moment though. Memory recovery usually happens soon after the incident. That she's taken so long means she could not remember at all, but she's had déjà vu feelings in canon so Kizna knows it's not impossible. While she believes camp-life is going to be unable to trigger her memories just because of the huge difference between life on a colony and life on a planet, it's very likely her memories could be triggered by being given information on what she should remember. It's highly likely and also terrifying in a way.
Thus the former security is rattled by camp and hasn't been assuaged yet.
Questions? Crit? Uh, open season to get me to essay on Kizna here, actually?
What's probably most notable with Kizna's issue with having amnesia is that. . . Well, she doesn't have issues with it. Sure, she wasn't accepting of it at first, but she learned everything there was to know, made her decision, and moved on.
Kizna doesn't think of herself as anything less than whole. She knows she's missing what some people have, but that's just how it is. She has a lot that she can make by her own hands to fill up the gaps of what she lacks, like a family, childhood, and so on. It's not a handicap. Sure, she can't understand what other people go on about sometimes, but it's the same way a foreigner tries to explain something to you and it just goes over your head. It doesn't unsettle her to learn about things she's missing; she just wants to learn as much as she can.
On that note, Kizna is young and naive in a way. She knows it, but she can't help it. The experiences people build off of are blocked to her and she doesn't have a lot to create a foundation with. Still, her time at G.O.A. was a great learning experience, not just in academics but in social ways. Kizna got to socialize with amazing people who rubbed off on her and then she did the same in turn once she had enough to create an identity. Even before G.O.A., Kizna knew she had to set her foot down on who she wanted to be. She dyed her hair bright pink and went to a military academy with little to no past, determined to be a pilot - That was who she wanted to be.
It's still a learning and growing process even now. She spends a lot of time thinking and reflecting on where she's been and where she's going. Kizna tries her best to remember everything she can, because she'll need it later as well as all of her memories being precious to her now. (It's why she has nightmares that she'll forget it all again.) However, Kizna feels differently about the memories she lost. She knows there is a reason why her mind wiped them. While she wants to know about everything she's missing, even what happened to her that caused her amnesia, Kizna knows it's also dangerous. Anything she remembers could easily break what she's built up in nearly three years.
The fact is that Kizna can/will remember her past. She's decided to cross that bridge when she comes to it. Still, she regards her past with trepidation, if not outright fear at times. Not only for what happened, but because it can shatter her present. Kizna's greatest hope is that even if she does remember her past, she will not be changed greatly by it and will be able to accept it. The contrary is just as true.
Her amnesia also brings an insecurity in Kizna. She has a great amount of confidence in herself, in her skills, and so on. Still, she's not like everyone else. While she could care less for the setback it causes her, Kizna knows not everyone else can be as accepting of that. Just how some people can let her ears slide without comment and others treat her oddly for it, though she doesn't punch people who can't understand her amnesia. This is simply another fact she accepts, albeit begrudgingly as she expects the best of people and would prefer not to be discriminated against something she can't control.
So, yes. Kizna is super secure in her fears and insecurities. She knows they're only natural, so there's no use pretending they aren't there.
However, camp shakes that security up a bit. When she came to camp, she heard about everyone getting ears for Loveless weekend and immediately panicked at it. What camp giveth, camp taketh away. Kizna knew she could lose her ears and almost anticipated it.
Most of the viruses wouldn't phase her, though one made her stop for a moment - The deaging virus. Now, I'm still on the bench on if I'd ever have her catch this virus, leaning towards not. Still, she worries she could catch it either way. Just as she's scared to get her memories back, being young and thus able to pass on information she lost is scary too. Kizna won't remember anything from her past that way, or she could - there's no telling really, but knowing camp can tap into them before she is able to is disconcerting. So, in addition to her fears that she'd come to accept, she has new ones - Ones she hasn't processed through yet.
Kizna is more wary of deaging than remembering her past at the moment though. Memory recovery usually happens soon after the incident. That she's taken so long means she could not remember at all, but she's had déjà vu feelings in canon so Kizna knows it's not impossible. While she believes camp-life is going to be unable to trigger her memories just because of the huge difference between life on a colony and life on a planet, it's very likely her memories could be triggered by being given information on what she should remember. It's highly likely and also terrifying in a way.
Thus the former security is rattled by camp and hasn't been assuaged yet.
Questions? Crit? Uh, open season to get me to essay on Kizna here, actually?