happy birthday to me!!! yay! i can buy porn & vote!
The problem of evil was booger. One day Jesus said to Mohammed, “Lets adopt a kitten!” Mohammed was reluctant but was up to the task of taking care of this kitten. So they both started walking towards the pet store. Upon arrival Jesus said “I want an orange kitten” Mohammed said “OK.” Then Noah came over and said “Dammit you guys I was told by god to collect the animals not you. That was the last cat in the world so now I need to figure out a way to get a second cat for my arc.” Jesus said “Tough Luck. You seem to have gotten yourself into a real catch 22.” All three of the men laughed as what Jesus just said made absolutely no sense. The next day Jesus woke up dead. Mohammed blamed Noah for it was Noah, who, the previous day was after Jesus’ new kitten and by killing Jesus he could have easily stolen Jesus’ kitten. Mohammed proceeded to state the rules of Fight Club to everyone but no one understood what was going on as the world suddenly made no sense to anyone. Then God shouted down to Mohammad “shut up you idiot, you’re confusing everyone.” Mohamed shut up. God killed Noah. And the world lived happily ever after. The end.
Or was it? Abraham came to the village next day and was like “WTF?” And then Australia was like “WTF mate?” God told Abraham to circumcise every Jewish male on the planet (nice reference to the old testament) but Abraham was like “Ewww, you PERVE. That’s nasty” God told him that he must do what the Lord told him or else he would be smitten by the Lords wrath. Abraham promptly ran off but returned a few minutes later “There’s the Guy” shouted Abraham “That’s the perve who threatened me with death.” God was arrested by the police officers that accompanied Abraham (ever wonder why we never see god nowadays? It is because he has been in prison somewhere in the desert for thousands of years) Abraham, without someone to worship and follow set out to find another lord … He ran into the collective known as Brahma-Atman. Immediately Siva told Abraham to cut off his son’s head and replace it with the head of an Elephant. Abraham was like “Why don’t you take care of your own dirty work and give me something important to do?” Siva sulked away at this remark. The rest of the gods looked at each other in puzzlement and said “there really is nothing we can think of to get you to do” So Abraham walked away to go find a God more powerful who had their shit together and could give him a real quest like sacrificing Lambs or Cows or something. With no other Gods found of any interest, Abraham proclaimed himself the new God. His first act was to create a time machine and go to the future and kill Hitler (come on we all know why) Abraham’s next act in his newly appointed office of the Lord Almighty was to abolish Pre-Calculus and Absenteeism notes from school and then he gave a shout out to Christina. And you know who I have been hearing a lot about lately? Aw shit I forget his name, Oh well. So Abraham started off on a pointless voyage around the world to invent crayons. First he decided upon the color blue being a crayon because so much of the worlds oceans are blue (well they used to be) then he decided upon green as so much of the world is covered in green land. Abraham’s next pick was Magenta because his mini van was magenta. After picking 3 colors Abraham he checked into a Four Seasons hotel and had a long nap, because he was frikin tired. He never would return to creating crayon colors. Next on VH1’s behind the Lord, Abraham meets a lady.
Abraham had spent many years doing nothing that exciting… Did you know that firkin is a word? Apparently it is! Who would have thought?! So anyway Abraham’s next zany adventure took him to the far off land of California. One day whilst sitting on the beach sipping a long island iced tea and trying to pick up, he stumbled across the woman of his dreams. She was 6 feet tall and had long flowing beard hair. She was bald on the top of her head and smelled like she hadn’t washed in months if not years. Her name was Murtle. She and Buddha got married the next day (that’s right I changed the main character … so sue me, do you know how hard it is to type the name Abraham 50+ times?) They had 2.5 children and moved into a nice townhouse in the suburbs of London England. Fooled Ya that’s not what really happened! The next morning when news got to the press about this, Buddha and Murtle claimed that they had married on a whim and that they promptly had an annulment. Mutrtle went on to say that she had not been drunk and that it was her idea to have the last minute wedding. Following the annulment Abraham/Buddha went back to heaven and cried his wittle eyes out causing massive flooding on Earth, so George Bush Jr. proposed giving more money to Nasa to send people to the Moon and Mars to get away from this crazy god. People started flocking to Mars by the thousands. But, not realizing that there is no oxygen on Mars, and forgetting to pack oxygen tanks they all promptly died. This made whoever was god, (maybe it was Jesus who knows? ) be even more sad. He begged and pleaded for the people to stop going to Mars. They did not take his advice and within 5 minutes everyone had left the earth except Mohammed and Satan. Buddha decided that they should have a poker game. So Satan, MoHo (Mohammad for short) and Buddha had a poker game and they invited Jon Stewart for comic relief. The game ended with Satan down 300 000 souls. And the dish ran away with the spoon.
- Andrew (patent pending)
best pick up line ever : "your music is ethnic... you interested? experience the important exotic possibilities & while learning taste yourself"