The Lost Passion
So, how are things going for me?
Things seem to be going the same as they always do. My job is almost over, though I've claimed that for awhile. I've yet to learn DreamWeaver so that I could cobble together a meager portfolio. Oh sure, I have some ideas for what I might like the site to be, but it's been weeks since I've tried to learn anything about the program. It seems that everything I do starts with a grand scheme or idea, but winds up dragging along, never to be seen through to completion.
I still have no idea what sort of job I should try to pursue. In college, I drove myself crazy with just how piss poor a lot of my work was. Back then, much like now, I lacked the passion to really push forward and give it my all. Because of that I don't have much of my work left. Why keep up with things when all you see is how much better they should of been? This is of course made even worse by projects where I simply lacked the skill to improve them.
In my senior year of college, I wound up disappointed with nearly everything I did. My senior project, a reshooting of a previous project, saddened me on nearly every level. Oh sure, now I can watch it and enjoy parts. But the very core of it is still a failure. I re-did an older project because I thought it had merit. I thought that I could improve it, add polish to it, make it everything I wanted it to be, make it something to be proud of. Knowing what I wanted, the shoot would be cheap, efficient, quick and professional... in the end, it was arguably cheap to produce.
I tried to do everything myself. Oh sure, I asked for help here or there, but either they didn't bother showing up, weren't good at what they were supposed to be doing, or were simply concerned with other things. All of these factored into a huge mess of a production. It might sound like I'm blaming everyone else, but it's fully my fault things turned out poorly. Had I tried harder to involve more people, had I planned more of this, forced myself to do more of that... if I spent more time doing everything, things would have turned out better. I didn't do anything else. I knew what I wanted, but I didn't have the passion to do it. I became sick of it and wound up not wanting to do it at all. I just wanted it to be over.
There lies the problem. I have no idea what my passion is. Virtually every film student I met had a Godfather or Scarface poster emblazoned upon at least one wall of their room. They were all inspired by various movies or directors. They knew exactly what they wanted to do since they were little. I won't lie and say they were all good at it, thats not the point. The point is that they had passion for what they were doing, so they would do it no matter how terrible they might be at it.
I like to think that I'm reasonably talented in many areas, but if I never do anything, how can I claim to be good at it? What if focusing on a single talent exposes how underdeveloped it really is? What if I find a job and then discover I just don't have it in me? While I find the prospect of being a game designer intriguing. I've never made a full game. I thought I was pretty good at sound design, yet I can't read or write music. (Not that you have to, but it certainly wouldn't hurt)I think I could write a decent story, but I never fully follow through. I might be a decent film editor, yet when I watch my work, I see tons of things I should have done differently. (Likely a good thing really) But, once again, thanks to college, I loathe certain aspects of a a potential career.
I despise making documentaries. Perhaps this stems from twice having to edit someone elses god awful work. I had to do a piece on hats. I don't wear hats, I don't care about hats. My hat passion is severely lacking. Did it wind up a good finished product? No not really, and thats a bad sign. As an editor, you work for others doing what they want. If someone comes with some shitty hat footage, I'm suppose to turn it into something decent. I wasn't able to do that. They should et everyone try to make something worthwhile out of 4 hours of crappy hat footage. If a student pieces together something reasonable, kudos to them, they have talent. I edited another project for the same kid. This also contained terrible footage, and I was not at happy with the results yet again. I also had to film a documentary myself, which by that point I didn't give a damn about. Once again, crappy finished project.I take pride in very few of my college works.
My sophomore year of high school I was one of the Oddessy of the Mind World Champions. In my senior year I designed and built a theatre set so grand that I was invited to the National Thespian conference to show off it's design. What do I have to show for college? Not much. I missed a lot of opportunities in college. I never did anything to make a name for myself. I never worked on a project that I could wholly dedicate myself to. I never did anything that people can look back and think "Wow, that was really something."
So where does that put me now? Two years out of college...
Still working the same "short term" job.
Still no idea what I really want to do.
Still no idea what I really should do.
Still just sitting around, knowing that eventually everything is going to pass me by, and I won't have anything left.
So whats going well?
I don't live with my parents. That's always a plus. I've lost about 17 pounds this year. (Would like it to be more, but considering I still eat quite enjoyably, and I'm not killing myself working out, I'm alright with slow weight loss.)
My current living situation is quite comfortable. Short of owning my own house and then somehow not being lonely in it, I really couldn't be doing much better housing wise. This sadly swings things back to the bleak side. Moving out of here will likely be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Leaving will mean that Chris, Greg and myself will all most likely be going our separate ways. I know it's bound to happen. It happens to everyone. I just don't have any idea how I'll deal with it.
So there it is. It would be an insult to countless people if I sat and whined about how unfortunate I am. I hope no one read through this and interpreted anything as me bitching about how down on my luck I am. Maybe thats why I so rarely honestly complain about things, seeing as a lot of people are far worse off than I am. How could a vague sense of mopeyness compare to honest misery? It doesn't!
I just have a cloud of self doubt and impending bleakness snarking around. Nothing overly serious. Just settles in when I'm by myself... which sadly re-enforces the bleakness potential.
In other news, I recently purchased the entire set of Time Life's "The Enchanted World." This is book series published in 1986. The books contain fables, myths and legends from all over the world. All the stories are illustrated in different styles, and each book focuses around a central theme. (Such as Fairies or Dragons, Withes and Warlocks) It's a Twenty One Book series and I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys a good fable, myth, or ghost story collection.
I've also recently gotten the itch to play a Table Top strategy game again. I played a good many of them, though rarely very seriously for very long. I accrued a pretty sizeable amount of Wiz Kid miniatures, but the problem with that game is that it's along the lines of a collectible card game. You have to buy each new set to stay in he game. Not to mention buy tons of it if you want a specific figure. With Warhammer and the like, you simply buy what you want and then use it. No trading required. Mind you the cost is retardly more. But, at the same time, there is a certain charm and pride gained by painting up an army of little figures.
Currently it's kind of a toss up between picking 40K back up (which would more or less mean I would need to replace everything I have since I much prefer the current generation of models) or playing a different game called "Hordes" which sounds like its quite fun. If you're one of the Lilburn/Atlanta based people reading this, then feel free to hit me up over aim. Might be a game you would like.
Things seem to be going the same as they always do. My job is almost over, though I've claimed that for awhile. I've yet to learn DreamWeaver so that I could cobble together a meager portfolio. Oh sure, I have some ideas for what I might like the site to be, but it's been weeks since I've tried to learn anything about the program. It seems that everything I do starts with a grand scheme or idea, but winds up dragging along, never to be seen through to completion.
I still have no idea what sort of job I should try to pursue. In college, I drove myself crazy with just how piss poor a lot of my work was. Back then, much like now, I lacked the passion to really push forward and give it my all. Because of that I don't have much of my work left. Why keep up with things when all you see is how much better they should of been? This is of course made even worse by projects where I simply lacked the skill to improve them.
In my senior year of college, I wound up disappointed with nearly everything I did. My senior project, a reshooting of a previous project, saddened me on nearly every level. Oh sure, now I can watch it and enjoy parts. But the very core of it is still a failure. I re-did an older project because I thought it had merit. I thought that I could improve it, add polish to it, make it everything I wanted it to be, make it something to be proud of. Knowing what I wanted, the shoot would be cheap, efficient, quick and professional... in the end, it was arguably cheap to produce.
I tried to do everything myself. Oh sure, I asked for help here or there, but either they didn't bother showing up, weren't good at what they were supposed to be doing, or were simply concerned with other things. All of these factored into a huge mess of a production. It might sound like I'm blaming everyone else, but it's fully my fault things turned out poorly. Had I tried harder to involve more people, had I planned more of this, forced myself to do more of that... if I spent more time doing everything, things would have turned out better. I didn't do anything else. I knew what I wanted, but I didn't have the passion to do it. I became sick of it and wound up not wanting to do it at all. I just wanted it to be over.
There lies the problem. I have no idea what my passion is. Virtually every film student I met had a Godfather or Scarface poster emblazoned upon at least one wall of their room. They were all inspired by various movies or directors. They knew exactly what they wanted to do since they were little. I won't lie and say they were all good at it, thats not the point. The point is that they had passion for what they were doing, so they would do it no matter how terrible they might be at it.
I like to think that I'm reasonably talented in many areas, but if I never do anything, how can I claim to be good at it? What if focusing on a single talent exposes how underdeveloped it really is? What if I find a job and then discover I just don't have it in me? While I find the prospect of being a game designer intriguing. I've never made a full game. I thought I was pretty good at sound design, yet I can't read or write music. (Not that you have to, but it certainly wouldn't hurt)I think I could write a decent story, but I never fully follow through. I might be a decent film editor, yet when I watch my work, I see tons of things I should have done differently. (Likely a good thing really) But, once again, thanks to college, I loathe certain aspects of a a potential career.
I despise making documentaries. Perhaps this stems from twice having to edit someone elses god awful work. I had to do a piece on hats. I don't wear hats, I don't care about hats. My hat passion is severely lacking. Did it wind up a good finished product? No not really, and thats a bad sign. As an editor, you work for others doing what they want. If someone comes with some shitty hat footage, I'm suppose to turn it into something decent. I wasn't able to do that. They should et everyone try to make something worthwhile out of 4 hours of crappy hat footage. If a student pieces together something reasonable, kudos to them, they have talent. I edited another project for the same kid. This also contained terrible footage, and I was not at happy with the results yet again. I also had to film a documentary myself, which by that point I didn't give a damn about. Once again, crappy finished project.I take pride in very few of my college works.
My sophomore year of high school I was one of the Oddessy of the Mind World Champions. In my senior year I designed and built a theatre set so grand that I was invited to the National Thespian conference to show off it's design. What do I have to show for college? Not much. I missed a lot of opportunities in college. I never did anything to make a name for myself. I never worked on a project that I could wholly dedicate myself to. I never did anything that people can look back and think "Wow, that was really something."
So where does that put me now? Two years out of college...
Still working the same "short term" job.
Still no idea what I really want to do.
Still no idea what I really should do.
Still just sitting around, knowing that eventually everything is going to pass me by, and I won't have anything left.
So whats going well?
I don't live with my parents. That's always a plus. I've lost about 17 pounds this year. (Would like it to be more, but considering I still eat quite enjoyably, and I'm not killing myself working out, I'm alright with slow weight loss.)
My current living situation is quite comfortable. Short of owning my own house and then somehow not being lonely in it, I really couldn't be doing much better housing wise. This sadly swings things back to the bleak side. Moving out of here will likely be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Leaving will mean that Chris, Greg and myself will all most likely be going our separate ways. I know it's bound to happen. It happens to everyone. I just don't have any idea how I'll deal with it.
So there it is. It would be an insult to countless people if I sat and whined about how unfortunate I am. I hope no one read through this and interpreted anything as me bitching about how down on my luck I am. Maybe thats why I so rarely honestly complain about things, seeing as a lot of people are far worse off than I am. How could a vague sense of mopeyness compare to honest misery? It doesn't!
I just have a cloud of self doubt and impending bleakness snarking around. Nothing overly serious. Just settles in when I'm by myself... which sadly re-enforces the bleakness potential.
In other news, I recently purchased the entire set of Time Life's "The Enchanted World." This is book series published in 1986. The books contain fables, myths and legends from all over the world. All the stories are illustrated in different styles, and each book focuses around a central theme. (Such as Fairies or Dragons, Withes and Warlocks) It's a Twenty One Book series and I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys a good fable, myth, or ghost story collection.
I've also recently gotten the itch to play a Table Top strategy game again. I played a good many of them, though rarely very seriously for very long. I accrued a pretty sizeable amount of Wiz Kid miniatures, but the problem with that game is that it's along the lines of a collectible card game. You have to buy each new set to stay in he game. Not to mention buy tons of it if you want a specific figure. With Warhammer and the like, you simply buy what you want and then use it. No trading required. Mind you the cost is retardly more. But, at the same time, there is a certain charm and pride gained by painting up an army of little figures.
Currently it's kind of a toss up between picking 40K back up (which would more or less mean I would need to replace everything I have since I much prefer the current generation of models) or playing a different game called "Hordes" which sounds like its quite fun. If you're one of the Lilburn/Atlanta based people reading this, then feel free to hit me up over aim. Might be a game you would like.