just_muse_me | 36.3. Lyndon B. Johnson quote

[gr8muppetyodin]

36.3. "Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or to lose."
- Lyndon B. Johnson

Co-written with lotterylucky & naysowee

Rory sat on the surprisingly comfortable sofa, considering how trendy and bacherlorish it was, a half-spent cup of coffee sitting on his chest as he eyed the tall dude standing in the adjoining kitchen. It was one of those open-planned type places, with everything but the bathroom and bedrooms in one room. Rory didn't even know why the fuck he was here, beyond the fact that Buffy almost begged him to come and told him it would save him money. He was a Scotsman, saving money was what he did. But this was just fucking awkward. They had arrived the night before, but after a quick meet and greet, the guy had gone to bed and left Buffy and Rory alone in the apartment. They watched a movie, and then Buffy took the spare room while Rory crashed on the sofa. Now it was morning, and the guy had exited the main bedroom around five minutes ago.

Glancing over at Buffy, Rory found her sitting on the armchair closest to the kitchen, trying to pretend she wasn't perving on the shirtless dude in the kitchen, who was standing there in just camo cargo pants and nothing else as he waited for the kettle to boil. He was reading over some sort of thick document, and it was basically like Buffy and Rory didn't exist. "You fucked him, didnae you?" Rory asked her blatanly, but only loud enough for Buffy to hear.


Buffy's eyebrows went up as she nearly choked on a sip of hot chocolate. That was one thing she'd picked up right away about the French. They had bowls of hot chocolate regularly and who was she to stick her nose up at that particular tradition? She managed to swallow without spluttering so Riley would finally notice his two house guests. "Do I just smell like sex to everyone?" she asked in a hushed tone. "I didn't do it on purpose! It was an accidental going with the flow type thing. He's... He's my ex. An ex. The non-vampire one."

Rory just raised an eyebrow. "I'm nay fecking sniffing your ex, alright? Fuck me. I made my deductions just by looking at him. Plus, you're acting weird. I am seriously trying nay to flog you with a pillow right now. Was fucking me so bad you had to bugger off and screw another dude the next day? Now we're his house guests. Woo. Seriously, though, why the hell did you split up with him? The guy is like Mother Theresa and a boy scout all rolled into one. More GI Joe-ish, sure, but hey, he makes it work. Not sure when the military uniform got so pornish, though. Are those bite marks on his hip?" He turned to look pointedly at Buffy. "Remind me why he's your ex again? Or why he's here. Or why I'm here."

"Because I couldn't love him," Buffy murmured as the perving automatically stopped and she looked at Rory. "I wasn't ready until it was too late. I mean, I loved him. Just not the scary, messy, no holds barred kind. Not like he loved me. That's why we're exes. He got from vampires what he couldn't get from me. And no, fucking you wasn't that bad. Fucking you was... great. It was fun. Me and Riley... it was about the past. God, I don't know when I turned into such a slut. He's already pointed it out to me, but I really didn't plan it. I was standing there looking at the Eiffel Tower and then there he was. Riley Finn. We're here because it'll save us money and because apparently he won't be around much." She took a sip of her hot chocolate to avoid the question of the bite marks. "And because he really can't help but be the boy scout."

Rory scrunched up his face in confusion. "Dinnae you mean you got from vampires what you couldnae get from him, or was it one big fang fest?" He glanced back at the guy in thought. "He pointed it out to you. Is this why he's pretending we arenae here? I'm really trying to figure oot how you feel about the laddie right now, because I cannae tell. It's going over my head. Do you want him, or dinnae you? I mean, exes can stop being exes. Happens all the time. But it doesnae sound like he's making your world explode. Nay really. Just sounds like you're trying to convince yourself you need him, and do I dare go to the subject of Prince Fang? And how can you drink that shit this early in the morning?"

Buffy blinked as she looked down at the hot chocolate. "Because it's an excuse to indulge in chocolate without even needing to make up a justification? I'm a girl, okay? I could eat chocolate at any time. I can just do it openly in this country. And no, I don't. He was the one paying vampire whores to suck on his blood because he wanted to feel needed. Because I wasn't giving him that. I wasn't devouring him. And yeah, I think it is. He's confused. I'm confused. He knows about Prince Fa--Blaise. Not to mention the fact that Blaise was at the restaurant we were supposed to eat at. Way to put a dampener on any possible exes not being exes anymore. He still thinks I'm trying to use him as a way to be normal. He's friends with Blaise. Can you believe it? He even let him feed on him. I'm even more confused about that than I am about who I want. He was trying to push me in Blaise's direction last night. Kept saying he was my type. I think he forgets my type is more to do with height and saviour complexes."

Rory shrugged. "You dork. Hell, I would fucking devour him if I was gay. Did you have your view concealed by your head up your arse or something? What dude asks his ex and some weird Scottish tosser to stay at his place out of the kindness of his heart? Unless he has an ulterior motive. Does he have an ulterior motive? You never know with these military types." He fell quiet and just gaped at Buffy slightly. "Hey, wait. Back the truck up here. Which one of them do you actually want? I thought we were here because you wanted His Majesty? From what you've told me, your type likes fanging on throats. I dinnae mind anything about saviour complexes or height being mentioned. There was a whole lot more of fanging and claiming than anything else. I do mind a non-fangy ex mentioned, and obviously proof is in the porno pants over there. But I'm still lost. You cannae want them all. Or maybe you can, but you cannae have them all. You're playing with fire here. You're after a powerful dude as one prospect, and the other is someone whose heart you broke into wee shattered pieces. And they're mates."

Riley glanced up from the case file he was reading and looked at Buffy and her... friend? The guy was really not hard on the eyes and it was taking all his effort not to be jealous. He had the rough-around-the-edges look Riley would expect from a Hunter. Sitting there in a kilt and a wife-beater, covered in tats. Now that he had met the guy, Riley really wasn't surprised that Buffy wanted a piece of him. The only thing was, he was a complete Yin-Yang type opposite to Blaise. Riley's head was just spinning. He had meant every word he had said to her that night in Sunnydale... she really was the first woman he had fallen in love with and was the strongest woman he knew. She was always going to have a place in his heart, and maybe that was why he got so crazy in her presence. Even for a short while, he had been in love with Sam. It seemed the feeling was mutual, too, because Blaise had been able to drink his blood without any adverse reaction. Buffy hadn't reciprocated Riley's true feelings, so she hadn't been the one. He had wondered when it was Sam fell out of love with him, but it was all irrelevant now. When he thought about how that all went, he could still feel the uncomfortable nausea in his gut that came with the poisoning. It had slid downhill rapidly after that. Now he was just plain confused. He wondered if Buffy realised the importance of what it meant that Blaise had claimed her despite the fact he couldn't feed from her. He also assumed that the Kindred Prince probably had no idea that Buffy was contemplating her feelings for another guy. In fact, he had probably been completely in the dark about it before he found them in the restaurant. He would have sensed both Riley and Rory on her, though, so the cat was out of the bag. The poor guy was probably just as confused as Riley was, but just hid it better. In fact, Riley realised then that he had a pounding headache and he turned away, reaching up into the cupboard above the sink to get out a packet of Tylenol. But he slammed the door closed again a little too loudly and felt them both look at him. With a small tight smile, he popped two pills and then threw the packet roughly onto the bench before turning his back on them again to swallow them with a drink of water.

Buffy was still watching Riley, this time with a little concern. The door slamming, the pills. It just made her think maybe she had made the wrong choice after all, but then he'd been pissed when she'd said about going back to Edinburgh. She was never going to win. She was never going to be able to say the right thing with anyone. "I don't think he has an ulterior motive. He's gotta know better than that with me. His old mentor already tried to kill me. We were here because I wanted Blaise. Want Blaise. Saviour complexes and height can be accompanied by the fangs... I'm not fussy." She managed a slight smile at her comment, and dragged her gaze from Riley's beautiful back. She could see more battle scars there, not just the one on his chest from the surgery, or the one on his eye from... Well, she'd never asked about that. Now she wanted to ask. She wanted to be curled up in bed with him and just talk like they used to. "Or maybe that's just what I want my type to be. It'd make me feel better. He's convinced that vampires are my type. He's convinced I should go after Blaise. But... He's Riley. And he's mates with Blaise. It doesn't get much crappier than that. I just can't help but have all the past, all the what-ifs just rush on forward when I look at him, when I'm with him. Does that make sense?"

Rory pulled his lips to the side and then took a sip of his coffee. "Aye, but would it make him feel better? Or is it just about making you feel better? Because to be honest, the laddie looks like something is stressing him oot, and he doesnae look like he slept so good. He also doesnae look to be dancing around in happy land that you're here. I guess it makes sense, but how much did you really think aboot him when he wasnae there to look at? C'mon, lassie. You broke his heart, and he's been divorced, so it's been broken twice. Unless he did the breaking, but still, baggage point still stands. You cannae be playing with him like this unless you're one hundred percent absolutely sure you want to give him your everything. Unless you know you can, it isnae fair to do this to him. If you care for him, you wouldnae do it. Stay friends with him, but dinnae just keep him on hand because maybe one time in the past he was so comfortable he makes you feel better like a Tylenol right now. Comfortable isnae true love, lassie. Comfortable is just making him settle for less than he deserves. It's like asking him to settle for a side salad when he really wants a filet mignon steak. Somewhere oot there, his filet mignon steak is probably waiting for him. But if you do want to be that steak, then you need to go speak to His Royal Fangness, and ASAP. But somewhere, there's gotta be some decision-making done. You cannae have it all, and it's nay fair to want it."

Now that Riley had the pills into him and his coffee was made, he came over to where Buffy was sitting with Rory and took the remaining armchair. Awkward didn't even begin to cut what this was, but he knew he couldn't keep glaring at them from the kitchen for the entirety of their stay. He didn't even particularly like his kitchen. He could cook when he needed to, but mostly he ate on base. It was why he always had a habit of regularly finding his milk off or questionable looking cheese in the door. He took a mouthful of coffee and glanced between them. "Don't mind me. I'll be out of your hair soon," he told them. The silence told him, however, that he figured either he or Blaise had been the topic of conversation. It wouldn't be the first time Buffy discussed him behind his back with her friends. This was just a new honourary member of the Scooby Gang, apparently. Something Riley never really fit into. He held up his mug in a small toast to them and wondered if he should make small talk about the weather.

"You're not in our hair," Buffy said as she tried to fill the uncomfortable silence. She was also silently thanking Riley for his timing given she wasn't sure she could make a decision right then. She did need to talk to Blaise, but she didn't even know how to ask him for his time. Or if he'd want to give it to her. She looked over at Riley and offered him a slight smile. "I'm pretty sure we're the ones in yours even if I'm grateful for the saving of money. I'd offer to cook but you and I both know my skills had never been that great in the kitchen. Want some cereal and milk - then I'm your girl."

Riley gave a small nod. "Thanks, but I'm pretty sure I've got the cereal and milk aspects of my life well covered. Most days, I can even feed myself," he added with a hint of amusement. "Like I said, I'm hardly here. You may as well make the most of it if you're sticking around. Sounds like you've... both got some unfinished business to see to."

Rory remained quietly through the exhange, finishing off his own coffee. "The life of GI Joe's gotta be right demanding, aye?" He gestured with his empty mug. "How did you get the added extras? Scars like that, lassies'd go wild over. I always just managed to get them in boring places like arms, or gut, or arse. Or are the metaphorical scars you have more cool to talk about? For a wee bit of light conversation. Or we could just all go into the bedroom and have a fuck of a threesome to relieve the tension."

For a long few moments, Riley just slightly gaped at Rory's forwardness before he managed to save face. "... I, uh... colleague. Accidentally got me in the face with a Swiss army knife. Never did have much of a fond liking for the Swiss army..." He really had no idea what to say to the threesome comment, or the emotional scarring, so he just cleared his throat and took another mouthful of coffee.

"Accident?" Buffy just gaped at Riley and his scar. It was pretty thick and pretty big for an accidental slash with a Swiss army knife. Her cheeks flushed at the threesome comment and she shot Rory a look of amusement mingled with warning, not sure that talk of sex was really going to break any sort of tension. She rubbed her nose on her shoulder as she turned her head and fought off a sudden urge to sneeze. "Was it Graham? Because if it was, I really wanna give him a gentle kick up the ass for being so stupid. So what kinda demons you actually got here in Paris anyway? Besides the, ah... Kindred."

Well, it was a good cover story, anyway, and Riley just scrunched his nose up without any further elaboration. "No, it wasn't bloody Graham! Graham's done nothing but have my back for as long as I can remember. He's... not as stupid as he sometimes manages to look. He was there for me when no one else was." He gave a small laugh. "Demons are demons, and Paris is old. Funnily enough, they don't create a whole lot of issues in this city. Or maybe not funny at all, considering the circumstances. Kindred aren't demons. I'm more a demon than a Kindred is."

Rory's eyebrows rose with curiosity at this. "So, you know a lot about Kindred, then. You work for some demon-hunting faction, but you leave Kindred alone? Why am I not buying this?"

"Because I'm not a demon hunter," Riley stated simply with a shrug.

Buffy held her hand up. "He's the only one I know besides your ex! I just wanted to check. I really am glad he's had your back. He has actually been pretty good with that over the years." She had finished off her hot chocolate and leaned forward to set the empty bowl down on the table before she pulled her knees up under her chin as she hugged herself in the armchair. She wriggled her painted toes and smiled a little. "He's just James Bond. You still have all the gadgets don't you, Riley? You can tell us the truth..." She frowned again as she thought about Riley's Kindred connection and hugged herself a little tighter. The urge to talk to Blaise was getting stronger, and Rory's words as well as Riley's were still swirling around her head and making her think. "Is that why it's a good place for a base of operations? There's no trouble here?"

"I didn't say there wasn't any trouble, I just said it wasn't demons causing the issues. I'm not here to fight supernatural creatures... I'm here to protect them," Riley revealed and wet his lips slightly as he found himself watching Buffy. This sucked. He didn't even know how he was supposed to feel about any of this. If he hadn't been married when he got drawn back to Sunnydale to go after that demon, he knew he probably would have given into temptation even then, just like he had with her yesterday. She was like some sort of human crack, and he found himself wishing she could just be the one for him. It would make everything so easy. "Protect them from other supernatural creatures... and from humans. Ironic, huh? Go from a demon-hunter to a demon bodyguard, in a sense. Just not isolated to demons. That should make it a little clearer why I'm associated with Blaise Richelieu. We have soldiers just hired for protecting The Masquerade. It's all been very... eye-opening."

"Do I need to leave you two alone for a bit of face-sucking?" Rory offered and gestured over his shoulder with his thumb. "I can go take a wee walk to the Eiffel Tower, maybe pick up a wee French hottie to have a bit of a grope and a French kiss with..." Still, he couldn't help but be fascinated by what Riley was saying. It was like a whole other facet of this big huge shit pile they found themselves in. "So, you're like Boogieman FBI? Cool."

"Don't be so ridiculous," Buffy scoffed at Rory. She rolled her green eyes with a huff of breath, but her gaze was soon locked with Riley's again and she could feel her chest tighten. Why couldn't he have just been single when he'd returned to Sunnydale. She had been ready. She had still loved him. Maybe she hadn't spoken about him much while he was gone, but Riley was a part of her. He always would be. She just wished she could say that she was going to be his filet mignon but she couldn't. Not yet. "How did you even get the job? I mean, I know it's a promotion and I know you're the go to guy but wow... Who knew stuff like this even existed?"

Rory just sniggered and shrugged. Fine. He would stick around and make it even more awkward for them to suck face. Two... or three, rather... could play this game of denial. In fact, he wriggled down in the seat a little more and over-exagerratedly smooth out the pleats of his kilt and made a show of making himself at home.

Riley reached up and scratched the corner of his thumb over his forehead above his eye. He didn't have to be a genius to see that Rory liked to be an aggravator. He liked to push buttons and pull the piss. It was certainly going to be interesting to have him around since those were traits Riley never particularly possessed unless he needed to be an asshole in his job. "I've known since I left Sunnydale. I learnt a hell of a lot with the new unit. They needed US representation here for the European taskforce and that's when my name got put up. But yeah, it just wasn't a smooth road. But then, not a lot in my life ever is. This is a more rewarding job than The Initiative could ever be. Capturing and tagging creatures that were actually potentially harmless... at least I can blame being drugged and chipped on my close-mindedness now. Just wish it didn't take a heart attack to get to this point."

Buffy tilted her head. "Like Oz, right? Not that all werewolves are harmless, but not all of them are... untrained. He knew to lock himself up, he didn't need the Initiative conducting experiments on him. But then those guys never really got it. The government doesn't ever get it. It's always about weapons. About power." Buffy got up after a moment and readjusted her tank top. She was still in pajama bottoms, the leisurely start to the morning something she really had planned on taking full advantage of. She walked over to the window and stared out at the view. Riley and his heart attack still felt like it was yesterday. She could still remember the moment Dawn had heard the difference in his heartbeat. She could also remember what it was like to rest her hand against his chest after the operation. To feel his warm skin... his heartbeat. She'd always loved his scar. Of course she did. It had been a reminder that Riley's heart was still beating. She swallowed down a lump. "So do you only get a job if you're military?"

"Are you purposefully trying to rub his past mistakes in his face and make him feel like a cock?" Rory asked her with a laugh. "Laddie's obviously already aware he fucked up. But humour me for a minute here. Why the fuck did you break up with him again? No, seriously. I wanna know. Or were you just mental? Dude, sympathies on the heart attack. Concussions and blood drainage is aboot the closest I've ever come."

Riley winced at Rory's blatant question and shifted uncomfortably in his seat, making sure he kept his eyes averted away from Buffy. It was still a question he asked himself fleetingly now and again. Or rather, why did she wait for him to break up with her. "Yep, military..." he confirmed, looking down into his coffee mug. "And even if I said no, no offence, but they aren't gonna take on a Slayer. Nor are they going to take on one heading an army of hundreds of other Slayers. Sort of goes against our grain, you know. Even if you are in the favours of the Kindred Prince." The bitter dig was falling out of his mouth before he could stop it. He couldn't help it. If she could take swipes, so could he.

Buffy flinched at the verbal swipe and turned to glance over her shoulder at Riley. "Not sure how long the favour's good for, so you might be lucky. And hey, I get it. I don't think I'd hire me either." She looked at Rory as she frowned deeply, his question digging right at the sensitive spot she was fighting hard to ignore. After a moment she turned back to the window. If it didn't look like she would prove both of them right by bailing on the conversation, she would have walked out to take a shower and just hit the Paris streets. "I didn't break up with him. I was there... I reached you. You just didn't hear me when the chopper took off. But I was there," she finally said quietly. The night he'd come back to Sunnydale, Buffy had lied. She'd just kept her mouth shut about reaching him because he'd turned up married. Now he wasn't married.

"I asked you to give me something to stay for, and you turned your back on me and walked away," Riley reminded her with a frown. He glanced at Rory, wondering if this was actually a conversation that needed to be had with an audience. Still, it was such ancient history, it didn't even really matter. "I waited for you. You didn't reach me in time, Buffy. That changes nothing. For months I tried to get you to open up to me and let me in to your world, but you just pushed me further and further away. You made me feel like I was just getting in your way and bringing you down. You didn't even tell me your mom was sick. No, Buffy. It doesn't matter if you reached me. It was too little, too late. My heart was barely holding together by that point. It was just the last scrap of hope I had left in me that you would ask me to stay. You didn't. You turned your back and walked away. You only chased me because Xander talked you into it. Do you realise how shitty that makes me feel? Don't answer that. In fact, you don't need to answer anything. It's done. It was a long time ago." He looked at Rory. "She broke up with me because she didn't love me, end of story."

Rory wanted to ask why she didn't love him. Hell, he was almost convinced he could fall in love with the guy. "So, aye... okay. There was chopper chasing and back turning and missed opportunities and lack of love. Back then. But what about now?"

Buffy turned around completely so she could look at Rory and then at Riley. "What now? Now we continue with the awkward. I can't keep apologising. I can't make up for what's already happened. We shouldn't have to keep going back over old ground. There needs to be new ground. A replanting of ground. I just don't know what kind of ground it should be."

Riley set his still half-full mug down heavily on the coffee table and stood up. "I just... I'm gonna get out of here," he told them both, holding his hand up and then disappeared into his bedroom. Just a few moments later, he came back out pulling on his dark green t-shirt with his jacket tucked under his arm. He grabbed up his keys and wallet, then threw the spare set of house keys onto the table beside his mug for them. "Enjoy your day." And then he was gone, leaving Rory and Buffy alone again, the door closing maybe just a little too sharply behind him.

"That was so quick, it was almost a ninja exit," Rory noted, eyebrows raised as he tried to figure the situation out. "Maybe he does want you to make with the making up. Have you even tried to? Either that, or he isnae quite ready to replant over the old ground yet. By the way, I really need to work on my own exits. I'm never as smooth as that." He reached over to pick up the keys to see if there were any telltale keyrings on it, but it was just a silver chain with a large silver R on it.

"And you want us to just be friends?" she asked him as she gave a shake of her head. "No friendship can be built on ninja exits. It's definitely a new skill. He never used to be like that. In fact, he was a little bit awkward in the beginning. And so... tall." She reached up with both hands to run her fingers through her hair. "I need a shower. And more chocolate."

"Hey, none of this has anything to do with me. It's your mess to clean up with ninja-boy back there. I just dinnae mind why you let him get away. Seems like he has all the qualities to be someone's Number One. But in saying that, you seem to let every laddie in your life get away. Maybe you're just nay made for relationships. Nay everyone is. But I know when to take a hint aboot a conversation being over. I just hope you figure oot what you want before he walks oot there and bumps into his filet mignon, and before Prince Fangy decides the fact you're oot fucking two other laddies means you have absolutely nay interest in him," Rory told her pointedly.

Buffy came over to Rory and ruffled what little hair he had as she stuck her tongue out. "I didn't mean you. I meant me and Riley. How is a friendship possible after everything that's happened? Everything that might happen... I don't know if I could ask that of him. I still don't even know why I did agree to stay with him. I thought I knew what I was built for, now I'm not so sure." She leaned down to kiss the top of Rory's head and smirked a little. "I'd say try not to stick your tongue down any Frenchwomen's throats while you're gone, but I know better than that."

"How? Because he seems like a reasonable laddie. He invited you into his home without him even being here 'after everything'. You agreed because you want to shag him," Rory reminded her. "Gone? I'm nay going anywhere. Laddie has pay TV and I'm gonna sit here and watch the porn channel. Frenchwomen's boobs are awesome."

"And you'd know all about one Frenchwoman's boobs in particular, wouldn't you?" Buffy commented with a grin. "Alright, sit. Enjoy the porn channel. I'll try and keep my mind off sex for at least... ten minutes. When did I turn into such a guy?" she asked as she started to shuffle down the hall towards the bathroom. She started to frown as she thought about whether she did just want friendship with Riley. And what she wanted from Blaise. She wasn't sure she could just wash either of them out of her hair.

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