Fic: I am here to drown my fears
Title: I am here to drown my fears
Prompt: Our song
Pairing: Zayn/Louis
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,500
Warnings: None
Summary: Zayn only ever sees Louis anymore when he has to take him home, wasted and singing. He tells him he misses him, he says he misses him too. Zayn draws out a cigarette and Louis scrunches his nose. "When did you start smoking?" he asks. Zayn doesn't respond. Louis sings their songs and he forgets the lyrics. Zayn reminds him.
Notes: Their songs are Carefree and After Midnight. If you're interested in the mix I've made for this fic, you can click here.
This was written for 1directionelite
Zayn's verbal flair was just just by the time Louis sat anticipating his first school day ever. Granted Zayn is very non-verbal, excruciatingly timid, and only half Louis's age when they meet.
He hides behind Trisha's legs, little fingers curling around the fabric of her jeans as he allows a peek at the boy with the big curious eyes. Their mothers laugh, and Zayn looks up at them curiously wondering just what those grown-ups find funny. When he looks back down, Zayn's taken by surprise when the boy is standing really close to him that he starts a step away, but his feet fumble within the bottom of his trousers and he lands pitifully on his bum. Zayn looks at the sudden alter in his surrounding, (why is the ground suddenly so close, and, why has his mother stopped laughing?) with mortified eyes and starts to cry.
Zayn doesn't stop crying. Not until Trisha extends her arms for him and he latches onto her; muffling muted sobs onto his mother's shoulder.
It only aggravates Louis more. ("why won't he talk?!" "Louis, honey, Zayn was probably just scared." "but, I didn't mean to scare him!" "I know baby, I know.") And Louis is all but set to find a way to get Zayn to become his friend, forgetting about his new schoolbag he's supposed to torment with fondness like he have been doing for the past week.
Jay sets a bowl of Lucky Charms for Louis. Louis eyes the bowl critically, and pushes it back on the table.
"I don't want it. I want to play with Zayn!"
"Boo bear, we don't know if it's a good time."
"It is absolo-oul-ooo-tly a good time!"
Jay ends up calling Trisha, and seriously, is there anything Louis wants that he doesn't get? Because Trisha's ecstatic on the other line. Sure he can come over! and Zayn would love that!
Zayn shrinks into himself, and looks like he's just about to cry, again. But Louis won't have that. He climbs onto the sofa, and throws his arms around Zayn, giggling he presses a kiss in dark hair. Zayn looks awed and a bit flushed, his little hand comes up to touch Louis's cheeks. Louis grabs Zayn's hand in his and pulls him up off the sofa.
"We are now best mates! You're mine and I am yours." He says, and Zayn manages a bashful smile, his rosy cheeks looming as he grins up at Louis and throws his arms around him.
Louis forces his way into Zayn's life, and it's not like Zayn can do anything about it. He can't afford to think about doing something about it; Louis was the only one who paid attention to him and he quite enjoys the times they spend together.
They're quite odd, and even their mothers think so. At a perfectly normal time when they're sat watching the telly, Zayn would bury his head in Louis's lap and Louis would instinctively reach to play with Zayn's hair, then leaning down to whisper when the bad guy's gone and beaten.
They hold hands and whisper closely and fall into each other's embrace way too often and it's just them.
Zayn spends the mornings waiting for Louis to gets back from school. Then he spends the evenings playing with Louis. And sometimes even sneak more time with Louis when their parents said it was past their play time.
Louis helps Zayn get away with not eating the peas in his plate. And Louis lets him leave the lights on when they're bunking in each others' beds. Zayn wakes up first every time they do, and he switches the light off so Louis won't get grumpy when he wakes up.
Sometimes Louis comes back from school and he has so much to say and he's talking too fast and Zayn just stares in awe and wishes he could go with Louis. "When you're older," his mother says. Just when will he be old enough already?
Louis lets Zayn use his crayons. And he's amazed when Zayn draws them both in capes and power rangers masks. ("Zayn, power rangers do not wear capes." "They do." "They don't" "They do, too!") "We're both the red power ranger." And alright, okay, Louis can get on with that. They share everything else anyways, so why not.
They play with Zayn's sister's dollhouse when she's at her friend's place. It stands just two inches above Zayn and just Louis's height. There are dolls, flowers, and dolls holding flowers and there's Louis. He plucks the flower out of the dolls and ends up ripping it and Zayn's thrown into fits of giggles. Louis likes it when Zayn's laughing so he gives him the flowers and presses a kiss to his temple.
Louis and Zayn sing when they're happy and having fun, and they're just carefree.
-
Zayn's six and he talks to only Louis at school. Louis tries to get him to meet some of his new mates, but Zayn hides. Zayn hides behind Louis's big disposition, wishes he didn't have to share Louis with others.
They go to the same school, but they've got different classes, different teachers, different people. Louis knows everyone, he is friends with everyone, and sometimes, Zayn feels like he doesn't belong in the picture. But when it's just them, Zayn feels these thoughts all swished away, because Louis's still the same. Louis always leaves his class early so he can walk Zayn to gym, to english or to lunch together. He waits for Zayn and holds his hand and they're still as odd as they were since they first met, whispering and giggling and everyone just stares and they're carefree.
Zayn loves to draw, and Louis loves making new friends.
When the playground's not too bombarded, Zayn lets Louis pushes him on the swing, and they climb the slides and they're holding hands, whispering and giggling and everyone just stares and they're carefree. But when more kids pile up in the playground and Louis pays them the slightest attention, Zayn wants to tell them to go away, but he can't find his voice. He never finds his voice around so many people. So he grabs the drawing pad Louis got him and sits at the corner, doodling a strange-looking boy casting some sort of spell that sends people flying away.
Louis joins him after a while, and he's covered in dirt and sand. "Missed you," he says.
Don't pay attention to anyone else, Zayn wants to say but he smiles and leans his head on Louis's shoulder. "Missed you."
"What were you drawing?" Louis asks, and Zayn pushes the drawing pad in Louis's arm. He doesn't know to hide anything from Louis. "Nice!" Louis chirps, and Zayn feels stupid for acting out before, but it's nice to have Louis pressed up near him, and not talking to all the other kids.
It's the weekend, and their parents decide going to the beach would be a great idea.
Zayn's lips turn blue and his face's pale. He sees Louis being swayed in deep blue and it's vast and it's scary. He wants to call Louis back to -where there's sand and trustworthy land. But can't find his voice. He never finds his voice when he's scared.
So Zayn waits, on the shore, too afraid to take a step back or forth. His toes curl around the sand.
Land is stable.
Land is safe.
Louis teases Zayn about it, but never dwells on it. Louis never dwells on things Zayn hates talking about. Louis knows how to keep Zayn forgetful and carefree. They hold hands, whispering and giggling and everyone just stares and they're carefree.
-
Louis's twelve and the epitome of the social division. It's middle school and it's new and Louis's always up for new and exciting. He knows everyone, and is friends with everyone.
Zayn's worried he'll forget him.
Zayn's always worried because he's not sure why Louis even sticks around. He's unconfident and scared of things, and if anything, he holds Louis back. It's only a matter of time Louis finds someone who is as fearless as him, and forget all about Zayn.
Zayn worries and he doesn't want Louis to find someone else, so he draws. He draws when things scare him too much. He presses too hard on the pencil, the lead breaks, and it breaks again. He's hyperventilating, and it's ridiculous.
Breathe in, it had always been easy with Louis.
Breathe out, Louis won't leave him.
He waits for Louis at the school gate, drawing pad stashed in his arms.
Louis is smiling and beautiful, and Zayn smiles back because he feels lighter when he does it with Louis. "Hey,"
"Hey, yourself," Louis throws his arms around Zayn. "Missed you." Zayn buries himself in Louis's embrace and Louis's scent because nothing bad ever happens when he's here. "hey," Louis says softly, shifts his head so that his smile is pressed onto Zayn's temple. "tough day?"
Zayn mumbles in response.
"What?"
Zayn looks up, "You're not replacing me with new people, right?"
Louis's eyes widen, and he shakes his head unbelievably. "You're mental! I would never do that! You're mine and I am yours forever, remember?"
Zayn nods, and buries his face into Louis's shirt because he's so stupid, they're bound together. They'll never grow apart because Louis promised. They're each others' forever.
Louis tugs at Zayn's hand, and they're holding hands, smiling, and everyone just stares and they're carefree. "Do you want to do something right now?" Louis asks, and Zayn's smile says you bet I do.
They buy a pizza, and sit by the beach, and so much blue terrifies Zayn.
He's scared of things he can't control.
Like the sea.
And Louis.
Louis is pretty much like the ocean, unpredictable and chaotic. Except, Zayn trusts Louis, but not the ocean. Louis's hand lingers on Zayn's thigh, like, hey, I am here. And okay, Zayn can feel the easiness seeping in.
"Do you always think this much?"
"Is it bad I do?"
"Not necessarily. I don't think at all."
"Is that bad?" Louis smiles and shakes his head. "We're different."
"but it's good different." Zayn doesn't understand then what 'good different' means, but he understands it enough to say yeah, and not be lying.
They listen to the Smiths and the Stone Roses and Louis makes things easy. He makes Zayn forgetful, smiling, and carefree.
-
It's Zayn's fifteenth birthday, and it's the worst he's had and it just so happens to be the weekend. Louis takes him to a party and there are many people Zayn doesn't know that Louis does. Zayn's chest tightens every time Louis gives them as much as a glance.
But when Louis's hand touch his, he's back on the ground.
"Relax," Louis says, and there's always something about Louis getting his way and making Zayn just that. Relaxed. "drink this," Zayn does drink that. Even if it tastes foul and burns going down his throat. "good?" Louis asks, smiling.
"Good." Zayn says, cringing and downs the rest in one go.
Louis laughs, excited, he's intoxicated and Zayn can just feel him fading away.
It gets to be too much, and Zayn stands outside, pulls a cigarette out with trembling hands and lets the smoke hit his lungs demandingly. He drags on until he he doesn't know how else to breathe without it.
Louis's a party. He is laughter and good music, but he fades and his music stops and Zayn puts his arms around him to keep the music going.
They sway down the stairs, Zayn's hand is on the small of Louis's back. Louis sings Zayn's song, Zayn laughs and people just stare, and at least they're carefree in that moment.
It's after midnight, Louis is weighted down with alcohol and adolescent, and he sings their songs. He lodges his head in the crook of Zayn's neck and he whispers their songs. Zayn smells of cigarettes and Louis closes his eyes and thinks of their songs.
Zayn can't find his voice, he never does when there's so much he wants to say.
Louis and Harry come together. Harry's novel fresh, green eyes and all charm.
Zayn's none of that.
Louis is fading away. He is impulsively, recklessly fading away from Zayn, and all Zayn can ever do is just be there. He likes Harry, he's genuinely nice and engaging and his dimples show when he smiles at Zayn.
Zayn pulls out a drawing pad and draws. He's always loved to draw. He did it when he had so many thoughts and didn't know where to put them. Sometimes, the pencil breaks and he's not breathing well, but he presses too hard on the paper. He knows not another way to get things off his chest.
Louis and Harry this. Louis and Harry that. Zayn guilts himself for being sour when Louis's smiling and he can't bring himself to. Louis and Harry are making mondays their days, Louis and Harry are making thursdays their days, Louis and Harry are making Fridays their days, Louis and Harry are making all the time theirs.
Zayn only ever sees Louis anymore when he has to take him home, wasted and singing. He tells him he misses him, he says he misses him too. Zayn draws out a cigarette and Louis scrunches his nose. "When did you start smoking?" he asks.
Zayn doesn't respond.
Louis sings their songs and he forgets the lyrics.
Zayn reminds him.
"Hey," he says, "wanna do something crazy?" and yeah, okay, Zayn nods because when has he never not wanted to do anything with Louis.
They're on a roof, Zayn's smoking and Louis's legs are dangling of the edge. He knows Zayn hates the heights, just like he knows Zayn hates the sea and the untold. But he also knows Zayn's forgetful and carefree when he's holding his hand just like when they were kids.
Some passerby's just stop and stare and some call them fags and other mean words and Louis shouts at those, and the others who just stare too. He tells them to fuck off, and Zayn laughs because he really misses this, he misses Louis. Louis gives him a nudge, and repeats. "Miss you,"
But Zayn knows, Louis won't be his tomorrow or after tomorrow, or any day of the week. "Miss you," he says anyways.
-
Two year's gone, and so's Harry. He's found a way out. They're two cities or three apart, and Louis's shattered. His eyes are tired and downcast, his colour's pale and fading, but Zayn thinks he's beautiful.
Louis thrashes about, throws things and screams at Zayn. Zayn lets him blame him, lets him blame Harry, lets him blame the whole world and not himself. He lets him because Louis has finally acted out. He's been all sad silence and tired eyes that Zayn thought he'd never be anything else.
So he lets Louis yell, and he lets Louis throw things and he lets Louis kiss him. Louis's kisses are eager and they taste of liquor and loathing. Zayn thinks it makes Louis forget, and maybe it fixes Louis a little, but it wrecks Zayn a lot.
Louis drags Zayn down in ways too many. And Louis's mental, he's throwing himself into things, recklessly and thoughtlessly. But Zayn still stays, and he wonders if this is what it meant, You're mine and I am Yours.
Zayn smokes his fags, until all he smells of is ash and burn. And Louis smells of vile drinking and prang.
They're on the same stairs, Louis is singing despairingly and Zayn is smoking, unsmiling. Louis puts out the cigarette near their feet and he chases away it's tastes from Zayn's mouth. They kiss until their lips are swollen and red, and their jaws are wearied out. Louis presses his head onto Zayn's shoulder.
They spend most of their nights out because of Louis, and because Zayn can't smoke inside. Louis's driving and the music is their songs and Zayn smiles. But it's a sick smile, glazey and numb. He turns up the volume and Louis drives faster.
"I feel good, you know," Louis says "I have you, things feel good with you, it's like I don't have to pretend anymore, you make things easy." Zayn wants to say but you've always had me. and I've always been here. But Louis's smiling and it's not forced anymore, and even though it looks tired, it's relaxed. "I am going to College. Things are supposed to get better in College, you know?"
"Sure."
"I just, I am looking forward to it." he looks at Zayn, "I was thinking which ones of our posters should I take with me, and I realised I am going to miss you so much."
Zayn doesn't know how to respond.
"Hey," Louis says, softly, and their song is playing. "It's just one year and you're graduating too."
"I know, I guess I am just going to miss you so much, too."
They're in a park, and they're talking like a whole two years gap isn't between them. But it's really easy when they're together. It had always been.
They stumble back into the car when the alcohol doesn't do much to warm them up anymore. Zayn rubs his hands together, and Louis moves to clasp their bodies together. Then he kisses Zayn, and it's different than all those times, it still taste like alcohol but not of loathing or anger.
When Louis flutters his eyes open and moves to start the car, Zayn can't help but get the feeling that Louis is letting him go.
And it hurts.
-
High school's over for Zayn, and a long time ago for Louis. Zayn's looking through the things he's taking with him and he thinks about the remaining half of the posters Louis had left him with.
Zayn starts to peel them off the wall, and it feels weird because his room won't look the same anymore, but it's not like he's staying either. There's a faint knock on the door and Zayn whips his head around and it's Louis standing there. Zayn thinks maybe he should get up and presses Louis against the door and kiss him because he wants to, but given how things were left hanging between them he settles for throwing his arms around him, burying his nose in his skin and breathing him in.
"Miss you,"
Louis presses a smile to dark hair, "Is there anything you haven't packed?" he teases. Zayn's shirts are everywhere and his bag is empty. "God, you haven't changed."
Zayn smiles, and he looks at Louis, like, really looks at him. It's been a year, and a lot has changed but Louis looks carefree again. He lays on Zayn's bed, turns up the music, and sings along to their songs. Zayn figures packing can wait, everything can wait, the whole world can wait when Louis's there.
"Miss you," Louis says.
They listen to the Smiths, the Libertines and Blink-182, and Louis makes things easy, he makes Zayn forgetful, and carefree.
The dorms are quiet after midnight, but their laughters dwell in the hallways. They sway up the stairs, and Zayn feels his head empty and he's too, carefree. Sometimes even the stairs feel like so much effort; and they sit and talk and sometimes Louis sings and sometimes he just listens. Sometimes he puts his hand on Zayn's chest and tells him this is how it's supposed to always be, and it sounds so much like you're mine and I am yours forever.
They topple over to Zayn's room, because Louis's is too far and Zayn needs a smoke.
The mattress dips under their weight, and Zayn's the one kissing Louis for once. He's up and above him, over him, kissing him, taking the air from his lungs and making it his and Louis hums. Louis hums; this is the way it should be. Their bodies entwine around each other, and it feels like their flesh is melting into one, and Zayn doesn't know anything else he craves more.
Zayn thinks he understands what it meant; they're good different.
The weekends are made theirs, and the world is theirs and people whisper and people stare and Zayn worries because how long does it last before Louis finds another Harry? Louis thinks he knows what Zayn's fretting about but Zayn doesn't say anything. Zayn pulls a cigarette and shakes his head every time he asks.
They're on the stairs and Zayn's inhaling in the smoke. Louis's head is on Zayn's shoulder and he smells Zayn there, beneath all the smoke and the ash and the languidness. "I think I know what you're worried about," he says one night, his fingers are searching for Zayn's, "but you don't have to, darling. I've been thinking alone for some time, too. I don't want us to take anything away from each other. It's just that I never feel complete and carefree in anyone's company as much as when I am with you, and I'd like to be with you."
Zayn doesn't respond.
Not because he doesn't know what to say, but because he can't find his voice. He never does when there's so much he wants to say.
"And if there is no love in this world, we will make our own place. And we'll play our songs, and choose our own colours, and we'll give it a lock that keeps everyone else out."
Zayn puts out his fag, and pulls Louis up. "I know a place that sounds just that." And they hold hands, whispering and glowing and maybe people stare but they're carefree.
Carefree why can we not be? Forever you and me, forever me and you.