Today...
Today was the first time I actually cried because of just how much I hate my self-image.
It seems no matter what I do, I can't lose any weight.
I thought about vomitting for a minute, but I paid for the food I ate, and I don't particularly like to waste my own money. I guess I'll just not eat from now on.
I was told I could be anorexic. I dunno. Anorexic people actually get skinny. I don't. There's just something wrong with me.
Earlier I felt so down I thought I'd rather be dead.
I just feel like taking a knife and cutting my fat off.
My hair looks like shit. I haven't had a perm in over half a year. It's just a tangled mess, like a fucking bum.
My nose is ridiculous. I really want to get it done. I have since I was in the 6th grade.
Without my contacts I just look plain fucking ugly. It's funny how blue eyes can make a difference. White people are lucky.
Oh, I haven't mentioned how I'm giving up on KERA, have I?
I'd always wanted to be a model for KERA magazine. Since I was in high school. Girls go from just having their pic taken in the street by scouts, then if readers like them, KERA hires them as models. I always thought it'd be fairly easy since I dress KERA-ish and stand out, but since I've come to Tokyo, I've seen the scouts three times. Approaching other people and taking their pictures. They look at me, then look on. I thought maybe it's because I don't wear brand clothes that often, but not everyone in KERA Snaps are all in brand. I figure it must be because I'm fat and ugly.
I feel like crying again.
I don't want any comments(I disabled the comment option anyway). It will not make me feel better about myself. There is no way you can help me (besides maybe buying me some super diet drink). I will not respond to any messages pertaining to this blog either.
Today...is really not a good day.
Edit (an hr or so later)
I was just watching some thing on TV about Japanese rap/RnB/reggae artists. Said genres are so popular here. The only people who ever like me are people who like what they call "black culture". You should see the way the "black" Japanese people look at me: with complete amazement. If I dressed like that, looked like that, and acted like that, I would have alot of friends, I'd be so popular. I bet I could even put out an album easy. But I can't change. I don't even feel comfortable in those clothes.
It's funny, you'd think people would be more accepting to someone who dresses Japanese-ish, but really, there's no place for me here looking like this. Not even people of my own fashion "genre" seem to want anything to do with me. But what can I do but complain. I can't change the way I am. Despite how ugly and unpopular I am, I'm not even capable of selling out. I don't even want to.
I just really really want people to like me.
It seems no matter what I do, I can't lose any weight.
I thought about vomitting for a minute, but I paid for the food I ate, and I don't particularly like to waste my own money. I guess I'll just not eat from now on.
I was told I could be anorexic. I dunno. Anorexic people actually get skinny. I don't. There's just something wrong with me.
Earlier I felt so down I thought I'd rather be dead.
I just feel like taking a knife and cutting my fat off.
My hair looks like shit. I haven't had a perm in over half a year. It's just a tangled mess, like a fucking bum.
My nose is ridiculous. I really want to get it done. I have since I was in the 6th grade.
Without my contacts I just look plain fucking ugly. It's funny how blue eyes can make a difference. White people are lucky.
Oh, I haven't mentioned how I'm giving up on KERA, have I?
I'd always wanted to be a model for KERA magazine. Since I was in high school. Girls go from just having their pic taken in the street by scouts, then if readers like them, KERA hires them as models. I always thought it'd be fairly easy since I dress KERA-ish and stand out, but since I've come to Tokyo, I've seen the scouts three times. Approaching other people and taking their pictures. They look at me, then look on. I thought maybe it's because I don't wear brand clothes that often, but not everyone in KERA Snaps are all in brand. I figure it must be because I'm fat and ugly.
I feel like crying again.
I don't want any comments(I disabled the comment option anyway). It will not make me feel better about myself. There is no way you can help me (besides maybe buying me some super diet drink). I will not respond to any messages pertaining to this blog either.
Today...is really not a good day.
Edit (an hr or so later)
I was just watching some thing on TV about Japanese rap/RnB/reggae artists. Said genres are so popular here. The only people who ever like me are people who like what they call "black culture". You should see the way the "black" Japanese people look at me: with complete amazement. If I dressed like that, looked like that, and acted like that, I would have alot of friends, I'd be so popular. I bet I could even put out an album easy. But I can't change. I don't even feel comfortable in those clothes.
It's funny, you'd think people would be more accepting to someone who dresses Japanese-ish, but really, there's no place for me here looking like this. Not even people of my own fashion "genre" seem to want anything to do with me. But what can I do but complain. I can't change the way I am. Despite how ugly and unpopular I am, I'm not even capable of selling out. I don't even want to.
I just really really want people to like me.