I have a complex.
I can't look at people. Mainly, good-looking people. Well, I can bore holes into them with my eyes, but once they look at me, I have to turn away. I realised that the reason I do it, is cause unconsciously, I don't want them to see my face.
Sounds ridiculous doesnt it?
Most people who really know me, know why I really have such long bangs, and wear glasses even though I have prescription lenses, and so much junk on my face like the piercings, glasses chain, etc. Well, even though I do like all fore-mentioned items very much, a big reason is to obscure the vision of my face. I really hate the way I look.
It's always been that way, but I just noticed recently how I can't look at people anymore. Particularly if they're hot.
The other day I ran into this guy I kinda know in my neighborhood, named Hirokazu, at the supermarket. He's pretty good-looking(not that much my type; he's not so girly looking, and is quite taller than me). I tried to hide but he saw me and started talking to me. I could not control what occurred after that, my horrible body language. He was talking, and I did not look at him. I was looking at the stuff in the aisles and somewhat inching away for most of the time. I couldn't look at him. I just kept my head turned. Ok ok, so I did force myself to sometimes, but that's so I wouldn't seem absolutely rude. It was so painful, though. When he looked at me.
Similar incident happened on the line at the 100yen shop, too. 'Cept the guy was exactly my type, and a completely stranger. So when he looked at me I just turned my head away, wishing human necks were capable of turning beyond 90degs. you know, without dying.
I really hate mirrors now. Mirrors, reflections, etc.
The other day our teacher brought in a huge mirror cause people were trying on the things they made, and she was rolling in the mirror across the room. I sit in the front, so when the mirror was about to pass by me, I looked under my desk like I was taking out a book. Whenever I see myself I just feel really dissappointed.
Lately I don't even know what to wear. I feel like no matter what I wear I'll be so ugly. I dread getting dressed cause I feel so hopeless.
Like I said, I've always had self-esteem issues, but having no luck with the fellas here(rather than "no luck", just plain "bad luck") has made it even worse.
And no, nothing in particular has happened with guchi, nothing at all. I just know he doesn't, and has no potential to like me. Kinda like how one has hints from the person in question that they might like you, is the same way just the little things can let you know they don't.
Then there was Takumi, that guy I took on a date last summer who never mailed me again.
And Shouhei, the guy I gave chocolates and a note to on valentines day 3months ago who didn't even email me to say thanks. Even though in the note I said I wasn't asking him out, and we could just be friends.
At first I was angry that guchi doesn't seem to have any particular attraction to me. But I'm not surprised. It's not really his fault. Something about me is just very displeasing to Japanese guys. This is just the way it is.
Knowing that guys are always looking at you(girls too), staring as you move from point A to point B, but not ever getting asked out, not ever gained someone's interest...how would you feel? Would you not feel like some kind of freak?
I'm going to try to diet this time. This time I have to. Maybe if I lose weight my self-image will be able to improve. I dunno what else I can do. Even I realise how fucked up this "complex" is. But I can't help but think this way.
Living here is messing me up in more ways than I can count.
I was fucked up enough to begin with.
Come on, life. Gimme a break sometime around soon?
I wish my name was Cindy. Then I could go by the nickname Cyn. That would be awesome. Cause I'm about as cynic as they get.
And cause I have to throw in some good news:
- I've finally started to be able to follow along in class. Still behind in homework, but I'm trying.
- I've got innernets in my house
- I was finally able to look at the pr0n rei and sharaku left in my comments box. It was good stuff.
(the blog is technically done now,
but I thogught id write in detail about my failures with guys here; read on if you're bored)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
guchi- so the other day the class went to the room that has the industrial sewing machines to work with those. it was 2 people per machine. i was originally sitting with a girl, but the teacher told us to move one row down so we had to split up. most people were already in groups of two, just a few were by themselves. most were people i never really talked to before. guchi, however, i'd had conversations with before i took it as my chance to go sit with him. he was trying to thread the machine when i sat down. he asked me if i could do it, so i agreed to, no prob. then after the teacher told us what we had to do, guchi asked if he could do his first. i thought "wow, some gentleman you are", but i was like "yeah, go ahead". in my opinion, if you like a girl, you'd probably ask "you wanna go first?"
next point: after we'd gotten up to look at a demonstration the teacher did, and the two of us returned to our machine, there was only one stool. we just stood until i was like "i'll go get a stool". in my opinion, if you're interested in a girl, you'd almost always say "no no, sit down. i'll get a chair." case closed, nothing happening in that area.
takumi- met him one day in harajuku as he was sitting outside a store waiting for the time to pass so he could get his train. i was sitting there waiting for a phonecall from a friend. i struck up a conversation, and we started talking. he was beautiful, and pretty much perfect: hair styling school student, secret hobby is making cake and cookies, bisexual, casual goth-ish, barely taller than me, wears eyeliner, independent(was in toukyou for a few days by himself; originally from fukuoka). he seemed really nice and really interested. said he was coming back to toukyou for winter vacation and asked if i was aswell(i assumed it was because he wanted to see me again). we took a cellphone pic together. he asked me if i was free the next day; it was his last day before going home(and again, i assumed it was because he wanted to see me again). we exchanged numbers. i totally thought he was into me.
i was so excited to meet with him the next day. we'd arranged to meet up the same place we'd met the night before, and when i got there, he smiled and said "
pretty as always". after getting over that brief shock, we started walking around harajuku, looking at the shops, till we reached the restaurant. (i'd mailed him earlier that day asking if he'd go to dinner with me; he said he couldnt cause it was his last day and he was pretty broke, so i offered to treat him) it was...there were alot of awkward silences. stupid japanese guys are shy, so he spoke little words, and cause im not that fluent in japanese, i was quiet; i can respond when spoken to, but bringing up subjects is hard for me. i felt like a failure, asking him on a date and then making him bored. after dinner we went for a walk cause we'd heard the sound of fireworks and he wanted to see them. we didn't find where the sound was coming from, but i liked walking around with him anyway.
we took the train together and got off at shinjuku, where he was supposed to go back to his hotel, and i was to get a transfer. but he came with me to the train platform to wait for my train to come, and didnt leave until i got onto the train. he mailed me later that night thanking me, and i replied apologising for being a little lame, and then that was the end. no mail from him ever again. even when i mailed him, no reply. i wonder what all that was about then, seeming to like me.
shouhei- my japanese language school in wakayama was actually a very very small college that trained to do health care stuff. the japanese course was just one floor. but there was little association with the students who werent in the japanese course, ie, the japanese students. except at break time when people would go out and smoke. after being there for months, the japanese students got used to be and started talking to me. and there was an absolutely daisuke from kagerou-type adorable guy named shouhei. short like daisuke, too. he would always greet me with a big grin on his face and be like "keeeeei!" and he always stared at me, if i looked away. once it was me and my friend and him and his friend. i was talking to the other guy, and later on my friend was like "shouhei was staring at you the whole time". i was like "yeahhh, i know. he's always looking at me (^^;)" so i got to thinking he had to be interested in me. right?
so i spur-of-the moment decided to give him chocolate and a note for valentine's day. it's a big thing here: valentine's day is the day for telling people you like them. particularly from a girl to a boy. the chocolate was cute, and the note was well-written, with some light humour added in. the basic gist was "i'd always thought you were cute and wanted to get to know you better, but i was too scared, and i don't know if you've got a gf or not." also said im fine with being just friends, so i gave him my email address. he never mailed me, not even to say thanks.
no matter how much it seems someone likes me, they never do. im just some kind of freak.