I'm trying to remember if I was home when David returned from that hike... or am I mixing it with the time he lost his raft in the ocean...? I do vividly remember him telling me about this, though, whether it was when he'd just gotten home or later on.
This is a wonderful telling of it... In terms of criticism, I think the things I'd work on if it were my story, is maybe putting more of the story into David's voice - the parts where you have him telling the story directly seem a bit more ... compelling. I think you could also expand on it a little, in the area of his hearing the voices, and a couple of other spots that are kind of paraphrased... maybe rework the last paragraph to give it a little more emotional punch - it's a great ending.
Thank you Sue, The things you suggested are very good. I was trying to be careful about putting things in David's voice that I didn't remember very exactly anymore. But to finish it I wanted to talk to David and be more accurate. I'd really like him to tell me the story again. And of course it is his story... I don't think you were at home when this happened. I know I was at home alone when he came in from the hike though. Thanks
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This is a wonderful telling of it... In terms of criticism, I think the things I'd work on if it were my story, is maybe putting more of the story into David's voice - the parts where you have him telling the story directly seem a bit more ... compelling. I think you could also expand on it a little, in the area of his hearing the voices, and a couple of other spots that are kind of paraphrased... maybe rework the last paragraph to give it a little more emotional punch - it's a great ending.
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I don't think you were at home when this happened. I know I was at home alone when he came in from the hike though. Thanks
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