so a little life update (to add something new to the unupdated world of LJ)
Have you ever felt alone yet crowded by those around you? I do sometimes.
I have the uncharacteristic need to tell everything to a man standing behind a bar wiping down a glass with a little white towel. Just the simply idea of walking up to a stranger and telling them everything appeals to me so greatly. And it isn’t because I need to ‘get it off my chest’ but because I truly wonder if I were to tell someone that didn’t know me everything, if after I was finished they would still like to be near me. I wonder if what I hold inside is so deep, so dark that it would ruin any attempt at a friendship or if it really isn’t all that deep or all that dark and maybe, just maybe it only seems that way because I don’t have anything deeper or darker inside me to gray it up some . . . I wonder.
I guess I have ‘wondered’ about a lot lately, like I really wonder what defines a friendship and I wonder how a friendship can hold up when challenged no matter how strong it may seem. I sometimes wonder if what people say when they aren’t really meaning to say anything is more then just simply talk. I wonder why it didn’t matter to me when I wanted it for so long. I wonder why people can’t seem to really understand me when they are around me all the time. I wonder if I take certain things and people and situations for granted or if I am really not as shallow as I sometimes believe I am. I wonder if you think I will write to you, or why you never called, or if you think I will wait for you, or if you think I am not as smart, pretty, fun, ‘cool’ as you. Yeah, that is what I wonder, I wonder what everyone thinks of Katie, because I know what I think of everyone else (and I don’t mean that in any bad, evil, I think your nasty way), and I wonder if it matches up. Sometimes I wonder if I push myself to hard in certain directions and not hard enough in others.
I have attained a nice, splendid position in a deep rut, and it will take great shoving and pushing, and maybe even a little hard work to get myself out of it, but I have come to the conclusion that only I can do it. I can’t simply stay here, where I am, until some hand reaches out to pull me up, I can’t, because I will be waiting my whole life for that one hand, pushing aside and rejecting all the others that come along, and I will never find that one hand because I set my sights to high and I simply won’t find it. That is okay, that is perfectly fine, I really deep down don’t expect to find it, I just wish I could.
I feel a little adrift from my life, and that worries me. I don’t have a plan and that worries me too, and I look at the plan that I had before and that worries me even more. Sometimes I wish it were easier, but then again that would get old, fast, can’t say I like this up and down life, can’t say though that there is one out there I would rather have, just wish certain things there different, but so does everyone else. I sit in bed right when I wake up, not fully awake, kind of still dreaming, and these little scenarios play in my head of moments that I had to make choices, not really hard choices, but ones that affected my life greatly, and I sit there, almost awake, almost asleep, somewhat dreaming and I think about what could have happened if only I had made the other choice, if only I had said yes instead of no, or simply saying something instead of nothing, and bunches of other things, and sometimes I really want that other choice, but other times, I am just fine.