41
It might make more sense to subject these entries by year at this point, for all the entries I make. But seeing responses to my last entry might change that. You few are a special crowd that I don't mind speaking freely in front of. Not that anyone regularly accuses me of being taciturn. I do tend to be more mindful of who is reading when I know them well enough not to care for them, which applies to most people I socialize with semiregularly. Also, I ever have been, and still am, more comfortable confiding with women than men. An aftereffect of growing up with two older sisters perhaps. The prevalent toxic male mentality (or lack thereof) doesn't help. But I'm still working to change that from within.
Four kids, two women, only married once and that to the current Mrs. McConnell. I love being a father every bit as much as I knew I would as a child. Two boys and two girls, 2, 3, 12, & 14. The older pair have been on the honor roll since forever. They're smart, compassionate, quick to anger and almost as quick to forgive (they are mine afterall). And because they're so likeminded they're going to have the same problems dealing with the same hateful simpletons that I have had to endure. But that's a healthy burden.
What have I done otherwise. Well... I've disciplined myself in various engineering forms. I haven't lived check to check in almost a decade. I have a few properties but I've never owned a new car, and have no plans to in the future (read that as the reason I can afford to buy property). Car prices are ludicrous, but anyway. I've written two books, or the first drafts thereof. And I think they have real potential, but being a father of the present and available variety leaves little time to even think about working on those right now. I have become quite an adept electronics repairman on the side. The practice is more cathartic than lucrative, but I always make sure I can sell something for more than I paid for it... eventually.
One thing that hasn't abated is my libido. I've always been straight with my partners, I like/need to have sex regularly. And no matter how understanding and empathic I am, this need is not a rational thing that can be cured or ignored through rationalizing. Despite that knowledge, I've kept myself in check for the good of the family and the relationship. But with my wife's recent almost-indiscretion, (another mans texted private pics on her phone and a less than subtle exchange), even though it never had a chance to manifest physically, I can't help but feel a fool for trying to suppress that drive in myself now. That seven year itch, sure, it's a real thing. But I'd be perfectly happy keeping it in our bed if it wasn't always me that initiated it, and too often met by more of a groan than fanfare.
Looking within for the problem, I've become much more physically active. Getting back into karate and going to the gym regularly has increased her attentions somewhat, but hasn't really translated into more of those precious skin on skin moments of physical and emotional release. And as hard as it is to find a side partner for such that doesn't disgust me physically or intellectually, it may be coming to that point soon. You see, one of the physical effects of getting back into shape and regularly lifting at the gym is a larger amount of testosterone in the bloodstream, which serves to keep me even more singularly minded. It's a shit situation to be in, but there really is only so much jerking off a man can do to silence that voice. Our better natures can only flourish when our baser needs are met.
This, without question, casts me in a negative light. A selfish, selfserving typical male that can't keep it in his pants? No, I don't think this condition is expressly male or female. Selfish? Definitely. But it's unhealthy, and unrealistic to even try to maintain that level of altruistic living over the long term. And besides, I had this shit bottled up until she started receiving dick pics from a piece of shit that lives in his mother's basement. (it was the lying about which pissed me off). We both knew we weren't marrying an angel, and both of us have been on this merry-go-round often enough to know what's around the corner.
I write this as if I had the time or opportunity to make such an acquaintance. I don't, and I know it. But if fate wants to toss me a particularly eager admirer... Eh, fate's never that kind or specific to requests. We'll see.
So, how is your shit settling in this fine vintage?