Has anyone out there tried not to hurt anyone's feelings, and ended up hurting EVERYONE'S feelings instead? If so, I'd like abstract advice, because I'm starting to suspect that I might be the dumbest person on earth.....
be honest with everyone at all times. if you have information that's going to hurt someone, tell them, because they're going to find out sooner or later and waiting will just make it worse. wear sunscreen. a well-trained llama wil not spit at you. call your mom, she misses you.
Okay, thanks. This helps a lot, and I've heard the "be honest with everyone" sentiment echoed around. In this particular case, I think I was also *way* off on my understanding of the "truth," but even so, I'm hoping I can put things right somehow. :)
That's kind of a hard one, and it depends to an extent on your morals.
For example, I was in a situation at one point where I had a guy friend and I was hanging out with him a lot, and truly liked him....and realized that I was starting to use him a substitute for the emotional stuff I wasn't getting from my fiancee. I realized that before I did anything too questionable, and backed off and talked with my fiancee and worked things out. I never fiancee that I had gotten closer to friend than him for a while, because I wanted to spare his feelings. Possibly not the most moral thing to do, since affairs start with the emotional like I was doing...but in the long run, much easier on all concerned because the root problem got fixed.
If it's beyond that kind of point though....I'm with Social. You need to just tell the truth and do whatever has to be done to fix things with whichever parties are most important to you. The chances of coming out with EVERYBODY forgiving you are pretty slim.
Yes. Indeed I have. I've found that honesty works best, but does not guarantee that someone's feelings won't be hurt... in the end, you have to follow what you believe is right, even if the people on the other end believe it's wrong. Trying to please everyone never works out the way we hope it will.
Yeah, this is a problem that I've had for awhile now...that I tend to try to please everyone, and so end up letting other people "drive the interaction" to the point that I just act as a conduit for the negative things that one party may feel toward another . :( I guess that's getting a little abstract for the present situation, but then again, I did say I wanted to be abstract... :)
Err, I'm not the best at giving advice, but I've found that it's often better to let someone get hurt in the short run, to avoid them getting more hurt in the long run.
yep. Using my high school comm teaches analogy, telling hurtfull truths is like throwing pebbles. Throwing one pebble doesn't hurt too much, but if you store all your pebbles up in a big bag of rocks and throw them all at once, it hurts a lot.
Okay, this really helps, thanks. In this particular case, as you mention, I realy should have said somethiong beforhand, but at the same time, it was only at the time that I realized the magnitude of waht the "reality" really was. That is to say - a few scant hours before the event, if you'd asked me I would have had a wrong impression about the feelings of almost every single person involved. And there's no taking that sort of thing back, so I guess I've just lost big-time... :(
From my perspective that particular reality should have been bloody obvious if you had bothered to stop and think about it. I'm guessing that all the people you hurt agree with me on this, and that's part of the reason they are frustrated. If you didn't pick it up then that just sucks. However, I think you should use this event as an excuse to figure out a way to pick up on 'bloody obvious' realities in the future.
Well, the specifics of what "reality" I mean are a little tricky. I mean, in principle, I think I would have been less confused if I had had less information. Suffice to say, the behavior that I thought people (and not just the chief person hurt) expected of me changed *at the time*, in an important way, which I had to deal with right then.....
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"The one "L" lama,
He's a priest.
The two "L" llama,
He's a beast.
And I will bet
A silk pajama
That there is no
Three "L" lllama."
- By Ogden Nash
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For example, I was in a situation at one point where I had a guy friend and I was hanging out with him a lot, and truly liked him....and realized that I was starting to use him a substitute for the emotional stuff I wasn't getting from my fiancee. I realized that before I did anything too questionable, and backed off and talked with my fiancee and worked things out. I never fiancee that I had gotten closer to friend than him for a while, because I wanted to spare his feelings. Possibly not the most moral thing to do, since affairs start with the emotional like I was doing...but in the long run, much easier on all concerned because the root problem got fixed.
If it's beyond that kind of point though....I'm with Social. You need to just tell the truth and do whatever has to be done to fix things with whichever parties are most important to you. The chances of coming out with EVERYBODY forgiving you are pretty slim.
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good luck to you, my friend.
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Five years later, I think we just finally made up.
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Yeah, I should be around on saturday. :)
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