Not myself tonight.....
....well actually not myself since last November, if some have noticed I've been MIA for a while now and been a bad LJ friend. My apologies just been going through rough patches starting last year and when bad stuff happens, I tend to retreat in and close off. Not healthy or good but that's just me, I'm slowly coming around....slowly rising up from deep waters or so to say. Some days are easier than others but I miss normalcy and figured coming back here might be a start to feeling that again. So here's a rundown of what's happened since November and the distractions that are helping me come back around:
- Fucking recession. You know I heard about it all over tv and happening all over the place but I just never truly thought it hit so close to home for me. And boy did it, not trying to sound cocky or whatever but I just never thought it happened to me, not that I thought my job was golden or the best around but just needed. But apparently that wasn't the case, they laid me off (along with a few thousands of people in my company) the same week my mom's bday was coming up. So much for fucking celebrating huh?! They did mention they wanted me back but as a contractor which basically means no benefits and no paid vacation or time off. How fucked up is that? And I know being laid off is not the same as being fired, but to me that's what it almost felt like. I paid my dues to work up where I was, I might be quiet but everyone pretty much knows me cause I'm like the 2nd or 3rd person, new people meet when coming into the company. Yet they relieved me of my original employment and brought me back as a contractor....till this day that puzzles me among other things. So it was: come back or not....go on the job hunt when another friend of mine still on this day is looking for a job!!! To some it might sound like a easy decision but not for me, going back to the place that originally didn't think you were good enough to keep while others were kept when they are the ones that should be let go in the first place!!!!! Not only that but I hate being center of attention and this shit really put me there, so having to deal with the "looks" from everyone....ranging from "pity looks" to "I would never come back if they treated me like that" to dealing/seeing the top execs who decided on who to let go. Of course they don't all pay my bills or help support my parents, so it's not like I had another choice but to go back, which I figured was their way of thinking anyway especially with how hard times are right now.
So I sucked up my pride and went back, it took me forever to deal with all the emotions I went through and sometimes still I am. The good thing about the whole new sort of job thing was they kept my pay the same and agreed to pay me for holidays which they don't do for other "contractors". So I guess that's something for now, although I have been looking for a different job, it's tough to find something. It's like you have to know somebody or they just post jobs but already have somebody in mind for the spot. But I am grateful that I still have something that allows me to bring food home and help my parents pay bills. It's just hard dealing with all the emotions while at work, feelings like hurt, anger, betrayal, pity and genuine concern from a few co-workers. Like I said some days are easier than others while other days not so much, especially when I'm reminded how I got "screwed" (their words to be exact) then I have to restart all over again with the dealing process. Hurt, anger, betrayal and pity....well the last one is how I see it anyway. If they thought before I was too quiet and didn't socialize (aka kiss ass) enough, then now I'm like a fucking ghost there!! Only when I'm needed I'm seen but other than that, I just stay close with a small group of co-workers I'm cool with. But even then, they've admitted to how different I seem to be....but can you fucking blame me?!!! Ever since that day in November, I felt like the rug got pulled from underneath my feet and haven't been able to feel stable at all.....not sure if I will ever in that place again. Which is bittersweet cause I more or less grew up in that place, been there out of high school, paid my dues, put up with shit and people and yet stuck it out cause I was sure one day it would pay off. Good things happen to good people, right? And for a while it felt like it did but all that changed on a Tuesday in November. And talk about life changes.....
- 5 Years. You know that saying of how "life throws you curve balls".....well I got thrown a fucking tsunami. Near the end of November, my oldest brother got arrested for DUI and sentenced to 5 fucking years. He never hurt anyone accident wise or anything like that, just himself by drinking and driving and getting caught one too many times. While it's tough for me, it's understandably harder on my mom, cause he's the one that always worried her the most out of all of us. He's truly not a bad person and I'm not just saying that cause he's my brother....he's a good, hard-working guy but with a bad habit of drinking. When I first when to see him in jail while he was still stationed here in town, I literally broke down, seeing him in his orange suit, on the other side of a glass wall and looking worn down. You always see that shit in movies, I just never ever thought I'd have to experience that shit myself.....how do you even prepare yourself for that?!! He's gotten moved around 3 times cause the jails he's been at are full and often take in worse offenders instead, so maybe that's a good sign for him. It's fucking hard though, for everyone involved especially for my mom, she often gets sad/depressed and in turn, I get the same seeing her like that and having my brother locked up too. Add the fresh wound from all the shit at work and the holidays....not sure how I kept my mind on straight during that time. Hence my disappearance around here and online in general.....to say it was rough is an understatement! Some days still are but it helps being able to talk with my brother when he's able to call home, we all write to him and send him pictures on stuff he's missed out on. Sometimes it's hard to read his letters cause he gets down/sad being in there, he misses his two little girls, just being out and having freedom. So it's not like he's the only one locked up but so are the rest of us, is like that "stand still" feeling all over again. We all try to distract my mom as often as we can so she won't get down, sometimes it works and other times not so much. On the bright side of things, my brother might be eligible for early release under a year for good behavior, taking a few classes in jail and not get into any type of trouble. So were all hoping and praying that's the case, cause I'm sure his 5 months in there so far, will permanently have him stop drinking altogether. Everything happens for a reason right? He's up for his parole hearing meeting whatever in May...keeping fingers crossed here.
There some other crap but I figured this has gotten long enough, so moving on to things that have helped bring me back around.
- It's A Girl. Whoa calm down, I'm not pregnant (LOL) but my older sister is and she's finally having a girl. She has three boys and was going to give up trying for a girl, but were 100% sure she's having a girl. I went with her to an ultrasound and yup it's definitely a girl, so that's helped A LOT to distract all of us from other crap going on. We're all excited and busy baby shower planning for May....it's a nice feeling.
- Basketball. Believe it or not, not even watching basketball through those tough months was helping distract me, I would watch but not really since my mind would be elsewhere. I wasn't excited like I usually am even seeing my favorite players/teams....but now it's coming back and once again it feels great. Maybe cause it's Playoff time and might be the year Lebron James finally wins a ring along side with Shaq. It took Jordan seven seasons before he won his first and this year marks Lebron's seventh season as well...so all that buzzing going around has got me back in the spirit of the game. PLUS I'll admit the chance of Kobe not repeating this year has a lot to do with it too....you know I can't help the chance of trash talking anytime he's mentioned. Hee hee!!!
- Graduation. My oldest and first nephew is graduating from high school in May, and I just can't believe how fast time has flown by. It didn't seem long ago I was changing his pampers or getting his bottle ready....and now he's 18 years old and stands around 6 feet or so. How did that happen again? Am I really getting that old already? LOL Lots of changes going on, some good and some bad but I'm just trying to take them one day at a time.
- Music. I'll admit that lots of angry music played on my Ipod when going through my rough patches and probably even more sad/emo music as well. But now through the good moments I'm going through, I'm very excited and happy that Christina Aguilera will be releasing her new album in June. Her new single "Not Myself Tonight" is off the hook, LOVE the song....once again she reinvents herself like only she can and I'm looking forward to all the songs on her album. I'm sure "Life Me Up" which she sang at the Haiti telethon will be on it as well, and I loved that song from the first time I heard it on there. Any new material she comes out with I'm excited about.....been a fan of hers for a long time now and even better is that she'll be coming out soon in her first movie too. I'm just a proud fan of hers, seems like growing up and early in her career she weathered a lot of bad stuff and now she's on the other side enjoying the good side of life, deservingly so!! Gives me hope, you know?
- Eclipse. While I'm excited the movie will be coming out soon and I'm all Team Edward here.....I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact that Rob and Kristen are dating!!!!!!! Like all RK fans, you sense there was something special between them back in the first movie and it only seemed to grow with each movie and while it hasn't been confirmed from either one. You can't deny when she travels all the way to Budapest to be with him on HER birthday or going to his movie premiere and knowing how crazy the paps would be. Or the Paris pics of them holding hands when boarding their plane....so fucking sweet. Love those two!!!!
So there you go, sorry for the long post, but I'm just trying to find normalcy and stability again. Plus I've missed my friends on here...you guys have always helped as a distraction too.
Oh almost forgot, I got a new LJ layout.....pretty much describes my mood these days, well on the rough days. Plus it's my boy Tupac with one my favorite lyrics of his.
- Fucking recession. You know I heard about it all over tv and happening all over the place but I just never truly thought it hit so close to home for me. And boy did it, not trying to sound cocky or whatever but I just never thought it happened to me, not that I thought my job was golden or the best around but just needed. But apparently that wasn't the case, they laid me off (along with a few thousands of people in my company) the same week my mom's bday was coming up. So much for fucking celebrating huh?! They did mention they wanted me back but as a contractor which basically means no benefits and no paid vacation or time off. How fucked up is that? And I know being laid off is not the same as being fired, but to me that's what it almost felt like. I paid my dues to work up where I was, I might be quiet but everyone pretty much knows me cause I'm like the 2nd or 3rd person, new people meet when coming into the company. Yet they relieved me of my original employment and brought me back as a contractor....till this day that puzzles me among other things. So it was: come back or not....go on the job hunt when another friend of mine still on this day is looking for a job!!! To some it might sound like a easy decision but not for me, going back to the place that originally didn't think you were good enough to keep while others were kept when they are the ones that should be let go in the first place!!!!! Not only that but I hate being center of attention and this shit really put me there, so having to deal with the "looks" from everyone....ranging from "pity looks" to "I would never come back if they treated me like that" to dealing/seeing the top execs who decided on who to let go. Of course they don't all pay my bills or help support my parents, so it's not like I had another choice but to go back, which I figured was their way of thinking anyway especially with how hard times are right now.
So I sucked up my pride and went back, it took me forever to deal with all the emotions I went through and sometimes still I am. The good thing about the whole new sort of job thing was they kept my pay the same and agreed to pay me for holidays which they don't do for other "contractors". So I guess that's something for now, although I have been looking for a different job, it's tough to find something. It's like you have to know somebody or they just post jobs but already have somebody in mind for the spot. But I am grateful that I still have something that allows me to bring food home and help my parents pay bills. It's just hard dealing with all the emotions while at work, feelings like hurt, anger, betrayal, pity and genuine concern from a few co-workers. Like I said some days are easier than others while other days not so much, especially when I'm reminded how I got "screwed" (their words to be exact) then I have to restart all over again with the dealing process. Hurt, anger, betrayal and pity....well the last one is how I see it anyway. If they thought before I was too quiet and didn't socialize (aka kiss ass) enough, then now I'm like a fucking ghost there!! Only when I'm needed I'm seen but other than that, I just stay close with a small group of co-workers I'm cool with. But even then, they've admitted to how different I seem to be....but can you fucking blame me?!!! Ever since that day in November, I felt like the rug got pulled from underneath my feet and haven't been able to feel stable at all.....not sure if I will ever in that place again. Which is bittersweet cause I more or less grew up in that place, been there out of high school, paid my dues, put up with shit and people and yet stuck it out cause I was sure one day it would pay off. Good things happen to good people, right? And for a while it felt like it did but all that changed on a Tuesday in November. And talk about life changes.....
- 5 Years. You know that saying of how "life throws you curve balls".....well I got thrown a fucking tsunami. Near the end of November, my oldest brother got arrested for DUI and sentenced to 5 fucking years. He never hurt anyone accident wise or anything like that, just himself by drinking and driving and getting caught one too many times. While it's tough for me, it's understandably harder on my mom, cause he's the one that always worried her the most out of all of us. He's truly not a bad person and I'm not just saying that cause he's my brother....he's a good, hard-working guy but with a bad habit of drinking. When I first when to see him in jail while he was still stationed here in town, I literally broke down, seeing him in his orange suit, on the other side of a glass wall and looking worn down. You always see that shit in movies, I just never ever thought I'd have to experience that shit myself.....how do you even prepare yourself for that?!! He's gotten moved around 3 times cause the jails he's been at are full and often take in worse offenders instead, so maybe that's a good sign for him. It's fucking hard though, for everyone involved especially for my mom, she often gets sad/depressed and in turn, I get the same seeing her like that and having my brother locked up too. Add the fresh wound from all the shit at work and the holidays....not sure how I kept my mind on straight during that time. Hence my disappearance around here and online in general.....to say it was rough is an understatement! Some days still are but it helps being able to talk with my brother when he's able to call home, we all write to him and send him pictures on stuff he's missed out on. Sometimes it's hard to read his letters cause he gets down/sad being in there, he misses his two little girls, just being out and having freedom. So it's not like he's the only one locked up but so are the rest of us, is like that "stand still" feeling all over again. We all try to distract my mom as often as we can so she won't get down, sometimes it works and other times not so much. On the bright side of things, my brother might be eligible for early release under a year for good behavior, taking a few classes in jail and not get into any type of trouble. So were all hoping and praying that's the case, cause I'm sure his 5 months in there so far, will permanently have him stop drinking altogether. Everything happens for a reason right? He's up for his parole hearing meeting whatever in May...keeping fingers crossed here.
There some other crap but I figured this has gotten long enough, so moving on to things that have helped bring me back around.
- It's A Girl. Whoa calm down, I'm not pregnant (LOL) but my older sister is and she's finally having a girl. She has three boys and was going to give up trying for a girl, but were 100% sure she's having a girl. I went with her to an ultrasound and yup it's definitely a girl, so that's helped A LOT to distract all of us from other crap going on. We're all excited and busy baby shower planning for May....it's a nice feeling.
- Basketball. Believe it or not, not even watching basketball through those tough months was helping distract me, I would watch but not really since my mind would be elsewhere. I wasn't excited like I usually am even seeing my favorite players/teams....but now it's coming back and once again it feels great. Maybe cause it's Playoff time and might be the year Lebron James finally wins a ring along side with Shaq. It took Jordan seven seasons before he won his first and this year marks Lebron's seventh season as well...so all that buzzing going around has got me back in the spirit of the game. PLUS I'll admit the chance of Kobe not repeating this year has a lot to do with it too....you know I can't help the chance of trash talking anytime he's mentioned. Hee hee!!!
- Graduation. My oldest and first nephew is graduating from high school in May, and I just can't believe how fast time has flown by. It didn't seem long ago I was changing his pampers or getting his bottle ready....and now he's 18 years old and stands around 6 feet or so. How did that happen again? Am I really getting that old already? LOL Lots of changes going on, some good and some bad but I'm just trying to take them one day at a time.
- Music. I'll admit that lots of angry music played on my Ipod when going through my rough patches and probably even more sad/emo music as well. But now through the good moments I'm going through, I'm very excited and happy that Christina Aguilera will be releasing her new album in June. Her new single "Not Myself Tonight" is off the hook, LOVE the song....once again she reinvents herself like only she can and I'm looking forward to all the songs on her album. I'm sure "Life Me Up" which she sang at the Haiti telethon will be on it as well, and I loved that song from the first time I heard it on there. Any new material she comes out with I'm excited about.....been a fan of hers for a long time now and even better is that she'll be coming out soon in her first movie too. I'm just a proud fan of hers, seems like growing up and early in her career she weathered a lot of bad stuff and now she's on the other side enjoying the good side of life, deservingly so!! Gives me hope, you know?
- Eclipse. While I'm excited the movie will be coming out soon and I'm all Team Edward here.....I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact that Rob and Kristen are dating!!!!!!! Like all RK fans, you sense there was something special between them back in the first movie and it only seemed to grow with each movie and while it hasn't been confirmed from either one. You can't deny when she travels all the way to Budapest to be with him on HER birthday or going to his movie premiere and knowing how crazy the paps would be. Or the Paris pics of them holding hands when boarding their plane....so fucking sweet. Love those two!!!!
So there you go, sorry for the long post, but I'm just trying to find normalcy and stability again. Plus I've missed my friends on here...you guys have always helped as a distraction too.
Oh almost forgot, I got a new LJ layout.....pretty much describes my mood these days, well on the rough days. Plus it's my boy Tupac with one my favorite lyrics of his.