look at this tangle of thorns
Cats Do Everything Humans Do. They Vote, Drive Buses, and Marry. They Fear Deep Water.
I had one leg thrown over the side of my porch, smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. A car slowed in front of my house, pulling into the driveway across the street. A woman in her thirties tumbled out and began to cross the street.
"Is that a joint?" she intoned, stepping onto the front lawn. The sodium streetlamps made her pale skin sickly.
"Well... No. Why?"
"Oh, it just looked like one. It smells like a cig, though. You're one of those hipsters, with your rollies." There was no judgment in her statement.
I didn't refute-- weird haircut, maroon corduroy blazer, PBR can nestled in my crotch. I know what I look like.
I chuckled uncomfortably and just looked down at her.
"Well, you have a good night. I'm Annette, by the way. My boyfriend lives across the street there."
Annette was wearing a sweatshirt (unhooded) which proclaimed that she, or someone she knew,had been to Virginia Beach, VA. Her jeans were acid-washed and her hair permed and dyed a hyperreal auburn.
"Wait," I said, without purpose. I was on my fourth or fifth beer; I'd heard some dark news that morning. I looked at my beer and knocked my heel against the porch. "Would you like to have a beer with me, Annette?"
Bass from a vehicle far up the street rattled the thick air in an uncomfortable cadence. Annette stood on the lawn, considering me, while the car shook closer down the street.
"Well, I s..."
Her reply was inaudible beneath the vibration of the bass, which had reached our block and sped in blinding halogen towards the end of the street. I ripped my gaze away from the beer can just in time to see Henrryk, the neighborhood's friendly stray cat, slip beneath the driver's side wheel, bounce off the undercarriage, and roll dejectedly to the opposite curb.
Slow down a closeup of my face down one thousand times, you will see me contort my face into these masks, in those few seconds: joy-- anticipation-- something nameless-- disgust-- understanding-- hatred-- horror-- horror-- calm.
I took a deep breath, "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over that asshole's stereo."
"I said I sure would like to, but I'm on call at the hospital tonight. I'm going to go get some sleep if I can," Annette hadn't flinched, hadn't seen, hadn't left the spectacle of my haircut, my blazer, my posture.
"Have a good night!" I cheerfully replied, "Tell John I said 'hey.'"
"Yeah, I'll see you around."
My cigarette had gone out, I dropped it into the wet mulch. I breathed with control. I breathed and studied the siding of my house until the lights went off in the house across the street. I breathed as I dismounted the porch ledge. I closed my eyes. I walked, and breathed and walked, to the curb opposite my house.
I picked up Henrryk's pelt. His organs were a shining stain on the pavement. Bone cut the fur near his ear. I picked up Henrryk's shell, warm, with fur as soft as fur. I picked it up and carried it to behind my garage. I climbed the low shed, set the remains on the garage roof, and hoisted myself up.
I laid my body next to what had been an animal; I thought about the stars behind the clouds, where the constellations might be. I closed my eyes and put my hand to my forehead. When I removed it I felt the soft click of breaking bonds, and smelled blood.
In the morning I built a fire in the fire pit, climbed the shed, removed the corpse, threw it on the fire and inhaled the smoke. I put my pillowcase in the laundry basket. I breathed.