Superlong (been a while) ?
Meh, I'll condense this since it might be long. I haven't written in this thing in a while and, honestly, I doubt anyone reads it anyways. At this point, it's just something I do to vent, I think.
Let's see. First, my job(s) - I am in charge of a lot of stuff, responsible for stuff that some of their doctors shake their heads at me doing. Luckily and unluckily, that's not really exaggeration. I am in charge of five different active studies right now, in three different disciplines. Only two of the five have potential publications in the end, but they're all really interesting.
Problem is, I'm being overwhelmed. While I am always, always learning a lot, I can't get everything done. And I'm falling behind. Which makes me frustrated, which makes me procrastinate, which puts me further behind. The three industry studies I am involved with take by far the most effort, and while for these I was behind before I even started the job (my predecessor left me a room post the shit hitting the fan), my inability to explain the situation to my boss has frustrated me even more and made me not catch up with things. Not good. I feel like he's not happy with my work, which is not good in today's job market. Especially when I'm hearing about people like Howell, who's biotech company just folded, and is suddenly out of a job.
I am applying to MpH programs in a few places, namely OHSU and Denver. Denver, for Crys, but OHSU for me. There are a few others I'm looking into, but with work all my 'work' energy is gone before I get home.
Financially, I'm still living paycheck to paycheck. Having a gf that doesn't really pay her way doesn't exactly help. She's trying, I know, but still...Things'll get better when I finish paying off my car (~5 months) but my debt from Reed, PSU, credit cards and my monthly rent payments are friggin killing me.
In terms of Mich - trip to El Salvador was really nice with her, despite the disastrous beginning (if you want the surreal story of what happened there, call me). Problem is, once she got down there, I couldn't help but compare things to the last time I traveled down there with an SO. It was especially bad because I felt sooo guilty....everyone in my family loved Mich so much more, the trip itself was probably better, etc...but I couldn't help but wonder as to why I didn't have incredibly fond memories afterwards like I did with Mon...chasing fireflies on the cliffside at night, pictures in Antigua, her wrinkling her nose (in delight, I think) as little kids on the border told her she was beautiful. Was it just because I was younger?
I've made a huge commitment to Mich. I decided to stick with it almost no matter what, based on my feelings for her and my past experiences with loss. The problem is, my passion for her is/was based on certain things that she doesn't really seem to have anymore. And things seem to always, slowly, be getting better, but I want passion, love, romance in my life again. I am patient and stubborn, but how long do I wait?
It scares me that sometimes I think and compare it to the last time Mon and I were together - I was completely convinced that I wanted to be with her, that I had made another stupid mistake and that now that I had changed, realized all that, things would be better. And that last time....she came back, and she was a ghost of herself, a different person. I tried to stay with her, but I actually woke up once thinking 'Oh my god, what did I do, I'm going to lose Monika' before realizing what was going on. She was that different and I couldn't stick with it (selfish and shortsighted, I know). Little cute yappy dog sent-to-this-world-to-torment-me didn't help, either.
And now, I'm stuck in a similar situation, though much less pronounced. There is a dog this time, too, but it's my roommate's. Mich has changed so much, and I've made the decision to stick with things, and things are getting better, I hope.
Sigh, I wish I could ask for advice, but the truth is that no one can really give advice on this whole thing. Melancholy moments like this is when I miss my friends being nearby, I miss Mon and our talks, I miss Amir (bastard left me for med school :) ) and his always wide, never-judging eyes.
I wish I could rewind things and just go back to simpler times, eh?
Maybe now that I have that out I can sleep. Though hopefully no more of last night's dreams (involving being a polar bear cub, a penguin, a dying albino dolphin and....well, it was crazy).
Hopefully I can sleep now.
Let's see. First, my job(s) - I am in charge of a lot of stuff, responsible for stuff that some of their doctors shake their heads at me doing. Luckily and unluckily, that's not really exaggeration. I am in charge of five different active studies right now, in three different disciplines. Only two of the five have potential publications in the end, but they're all really interesting.
Problem is, I'm being overwhelmed. While I am always, always learning a lot, I can't get everything done. And I'm falling behind. Which makes me frustrated, which makes me procrastinate, which puts me further behind. The three industry studies I am involved with take by far the most effort, and while for these I was behind before I even started the job (my predecessor left me a room post the shit hitting the fan), my inability to explain the situation to my boss has frustrated me even more and made me not catch up with things. Not good. I feel like he's not happy with my work, which is not good in today's job market. Especially when I'm hearing about people like Howell, who's biotech company just folded, and is suddenly out of a job.
I am applying to MpH programs in a few places, namely OHSU and Denver. Denver, for Crys, but OHSU for me. There are a few others I'm looking into, but with work all my 'work' energy is gone before I get home.
Financially, I'm still living paycheck to paycheck. Having a gf that doesn't really pay her way doesn't exactly help. She's trying, I know, but still...Things'll get better when I finish paying off my car (~5 months) but my debt from Reed, PSU, credit cards and my monthly rent payments are friggin killing me.
In terms of Mich - trip to El Salvador was really nice with her, despite the disastrous beginning (if you want the surreal story of what happened there, call me). Problem is, once she got down there, I couldn't help but compare things to the last time I traveled down there with an SO. It was especially bad because I felt sooo guilty....everyone in my family loved Mich so much more, the trip itself was probably better, etc...but I couldn't help but wonder as to why I didn't have incredibly fond memories afterwards like I did with Mon...chasing fireflies on the cliffside at night, pictures in Antigua, her wrinkling her nose (in delight, I think) as little kids on the border told her she was beautiful. Was it just because I was younger?
I've made a huge commitment to Mich. I decided to stick with it almost no matter what, based on my feelings for her and my past experiences with loss. The problem is, my passion for her is/was based on certain things that she doesn't really seem to have anymore. And things seem to always, slowly, be getting better, but I want passion, love, romance in my life again. I am patient and stubborn, but how long do I wait?
It scares me that sometimes I think and compare it to the last time Mon and I were together - I was completely convinced that I wanted to be with her, that I had made another stupid mistake and that now that I had changed, realized all that, things would be better. And that last time....she came back, and she was a ghost of herself, a different person. I tried to stay with her, but I actually woke up once thinking 'Oh my god, what did I do, I'm going to lose Monika' before realizing what was going on. She was that different and I couldn't stick with it (selfish and shortsighted, I know). Little cute yappy dog sent-to-this-world-to-torment-me didn't help, either.
And now, I'm stuck in a similar situation, though much less pronounced. There is a dog this time, too, but it's my roommate's. Mich has changed so much, and I've made the decision to stick with things, and things are getting better, I hope.
Sigh, I wish I could ask for advice, but the truth is that no one can really give advice on this whole thing. Melancholy moments like this is when I miss my friends being nearby, I miss Mon and our talks, I miss Amir (bastard left me for med school :) ) and his always wide, never-judging eyes.
I wish I could rewind things and just go back to simpler times, eh?
Maybe now that I have that out I can sleep. Though hopefully no more of last night's dreams (involving being a polar bear cub, a penguin, a dying albino dolphin and....well, it was crazy).
Hopefully I can sleep now.