Kamen /// Ninth Feeling: Acceptance
Kazuya stared at Jin for a moment: then he took a step away from him. “They locked us in here?”
“They didn’t know we were in here”, Jin answered.
“Okay, let’s call someone, then they will get us out here.”
Jin nodded and looked at Kazuya in anticipation, Kazuya staring back at him with the same expression. Jin let go of an annoyed sigh. “Would you please now, Kazuya?”
“I thought you would.”
“I can’t. I have left all my things in my car; I don’t have my mobile with me.”
Kazuya just palmed his face and turned away. “Splendid. Same here.”
Jin followed him with an unbelieving expression. “Why did you come in here without any of your belongings?”
“Why did you?”
“I just…” Jin stopped and looked away from Kazuya. “I was just quickly getting something I had forgotten.” He gripped the charm in his pocket.
“However, we can’t call someone. Let’s see if we can get out of one of the windows.” Kazuya avoided answering Jin’s original question with that, since the older one had already guessed it right before.
He’d been following Jin.
Jin nodded. He knew their rest rooms all didn’t have windows, but some of the office rooms and meeting rooms on the second floor had. Otherwise there were some in the hall where they were practicing. “Let’ try upstairs first.”
Without answering, Kazuya followed him to the stairs; both walking carefully, since it was even darker there. As they reached the second floor, Jin stopped and Kazuya nearly bumped into him again.
“Jin, would you please not just stop like that?”
Jin didn’t turn to him. “This is somehow scary”, he said and looked ahead into the empty and dark corridor in front of them, with doors on each side.
“It’s the same corridor it’s always been, Jin.” Kazuya walked past him.
“It reminds me of a haunting house right now.”
Laughing, the younger one looked over his shoulder into Jin’s direction. “Scaredy-cat.”
Jin didn’t answer, but also didn’t bother. Kazuya knew since long he was scared of dark rooms, so it wasn’t like he had to keep up an image. “It’s fine with me if you go ahead.”
Kazuya just shook his head and went on then, checking every door. Jin remained close behind him and looked at Kazuya’s hands whenever they gripped a door handle, afraid of anything happening.
As they reached the last door, Kazuya threw him a look. “Looks like we’ll have to try the ones in the hall.”
“But they are pretty high; I don’t think we’ll be able to reach any of them.”
Kazuya nodded. “I want to try, however.”
Jin followed him to the stairs again and they went back down, into the corridor there. As they stepped into the hall, they could finally see a bit more again, since the moonlight was shining through the small windows at the top of the room.
They both stood side by side, staring up at them.
“You could reach one, if I’d lift you up”, Jin said.
Kazuya threw him a look. “I don’t want you to lift me up.”
“Well, I could think of more exciting things, too.” Jin shrugged his shoulders. “But it sounds even less attractive to me to be locked up here with you for a whole night.”
Kazuya still looked at him and Jin tried to ignore those hurt looking eyes and got down to his knees.
“Get on.”
Kazuya hesitated for a moment. Then he got onto Jin’s shoulders and let the older one lift him up. Jin gripped his legs to hold him and Kazuya stretched out his hands to the window.
“Can you reach it?”
Getting up a bit more, Kazuya shook his head. “I’m too short.”
“Jin got to his toes as well, holding Kazuya’s legs tighter to not let him fall. “Try again.”
Stretching even more, Kazuya managed to touch the window’s frame, but the handle was at the top part of it, and he didn’t even get his hand near it. “Don’t let go, Jin.”
“It’s okay, try to get up higher, I won’t let you fall.”
Kazuya lifted his body higher, but then felt shaking and as Jin stumbled beneath him, he knew they’d fall.
It happened within seconds; Jin let go of his legs, and they both fell with their backs first.
Lying at the floor and staring at the high ceiling, Kazuya managed a coughing, then he started to laugh.
Jin threw him a look, before he joined in and both of them laughed until they had to hold their stomachs.
“You won’t let me fall, huh?” Kazuya sat up and grinned at Jin.
“I didn’t intend to.”
Getting up, the younger one looked up at the windows again. “I guess we won’t get out of here.”
Jin frowned, still lying on the floor. “I don’t want to stay here all night.”
“We don’t have a choice.”
Suddenly, Jin got up quite quickly and rushed past Kazuya. “The couch in our room is mine!”
“Oi!” Kazuya followed him, ran after Jin and they dashed out of the hall, through the corridor to the rooms for the bands.
Jin reached their room first and turned there, slightly out of breath. “You can go over to Kanjani’s.”
“Why do I have to go to their room?” Kazuya pouted.
“Because this couch is mine for tonight”, Jin answered playfully.
“I don’t want to know what has happened on Kanjani’s couch already.”
They both needed a second; then they blushed and looked over to the couch in their room, since both of them remembered perfectly what had already happened there.
“Well, in that case, I guess no couch here is completely unstained”, Jin said finally.
Kazuya shrugged his shoulders and then turned again. “I don’t want to sleep yet, however.” He went to the door again. “I’ll probably just stay up all night.”
“Your own little pyjama party?”, Jin asked in a kinky voice. “Exciting.”
“Shut up, Jin”, Kazuya answered and laughed. “But better than to sleep in another band’s room for sure.”
Jin remained at the door frame, watching Kazuya walking down the corridor. “What are you going to do?”
“I’ll have a look around. I’ll probably find a way out and will leave you all alone here in the dark.”
Jin raised a brow and turned. “Well then, have fun.”
Kazuya didn’t react anymore, he just went ahead and in his head counted from ten downwards. It would take Jin less than ten seconds to catch up; he was sure.
Jin stood in the room for a few seconds, and suddenly noticed the silence and moving shadows at the wall.
He was really bad with those kinds of things, so he decided to follow Kazuya in an instant. He rushed out of the door again and down the corridor to where he saw Kazuya still lazily walking around.
“Kazuya…”
The younger one turned. “Four.”
Jin frowned. “Eh?”
“You had four seconds left.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Never mind”, Kazuya just said and smiled. “What did you want to say?”
“I…” Jin cleared his throat. “I better don’t let you walk around here all alone.”
Kazuya just threw him a knowing look, but didn’t tease him any further. “You better don’t.”
Jin didn’t say anything else, just fallowed Kazuya around. “Where else do you want to try?”
“At the front”, Kazuya answered and checked the windows next to the door, as they reached the entrance, but they couldn’t even be opened.
Somewhere in the building, probably upstairs, something fell and they both raised their heads in surprise.
“What was that?”, Jin asked in a weak voice.
Automatically, Kazuya gripped Jin’s hand, without even noticing it. “I don’t know; but it’s just us here, you don’t need to be afraid.”
Jin turned his head to Kazuya, still stiff, but he noticed the warmth of Kazuya’s hand, of his presence, making him calmer.
Kazuya then noticed and looked at their hands. “Crap… I…” He swallowed thickly and pulled is hand away. “Sorry, that was out of habit.”
Jin just shook his head. “Can’t we just go back and stay in the room?”
Nodding, Kazuya walked back beside Jin. They fell silent, both noticing that they couldn’t behave like kids any longer. It had been like in old times, playing around like that, but as Kazuya had gripped Jin’s hand they had noticed that those times, the times when they had played around like kids, had been gone with the moment they had held hands for the first time.
In the room, they both clumsily took seat at both ends of the couch; each at one side and didn’t even dare looking at the other.
“Jin”, Kazuya finally said and looked at him then. “Will you listen?”
Jin stared at the ring around his finger, fidgeting it. The charm in his pocket suddenly felt as if it was burning into his thigh. “Do I have a choice?”
Kazuya bit his lip, still observing him. “Why did you come to see me yesterday?”
“It was obvious, wasn’t it?”
He managed a nod. “Don’t change your mind again.”
“Why was Uchi there?”, Jin wanted to know.
“He came without me knowing he would. I didn’t invite him over.”
Jin thought about it for a moment. “Why did you even let him in?”
“I thought I should finally tell him why I didn’t answer his calls and mails.” Kazuya shifted a bit, feeling uncomfortable.
“He told me you hadn’t.”
Kazuya blinked his eyes in confusion.
Throwing him a look, the older one managed a short laugh. “I actually met him yesterday at work. He asked me for your number.”
“Jin…”
“I thought if I’d give it to him that would be so definite. Would mean I’ve given up on you.” Jin pulled the ring from his finger; put it back to its place then. “I didn’t want to give up on you.”
Kazuya swallowed thickly. “Let’s not, Jin”, he whispered then.
“What? Give up?” Jin shook his head. “We can’t get back to where we’ve been, Kazuya.”
“You still can’t love me?”
“I told you I lied about it.”
Kazuya shook his head. “You didn’t lie about being jealous of me. I’ve always noticed you were.”
“I’ve been, but when I said I first and foremost always loved you, I meant it”, Jin said. “The one who broke that trust were you.”
“Don’t shift all the blame onto me, Jin.”
Jin’s look became cold again. “I didn’t kiss Uchi.”
“I’ve never hated you when you were successful in what you’ve been doing”, Kazuya countered.
“I should have been on your mind, Kazuya, to hold you back from it.”
“I apologized, didn’t I? You never apologized for fooling me for so long.”
Jin got up, walking around the room. “An apology wouldn’t make it undone. Would you forgive me if I said that I’m sorry you heard that lie I told Yamapi?”
“I would ask you why you even lied to him in the first place.”
Jin stopped and stared at Kazuya. “You didn’t hear the other part of the conversation, so it doesn’t matter. You just heard what you’ve wanted to hear, however.”
Kazuya returned the look. “Why don’t you just tell me what I want to hear then now?”
“What, Kazuya?” Jin shook his head, his expression sad. “That I can’t sleep? That I miss you to death? That I want you back by my side so badly, it hurts?” It got bitter. “What could it change?”
Kazuya got up now as well, walked over to Jin. “What if I told you that I feel the same? That I wish I’d never even met Uchi that day? That I wish I’d never heard what you’ve said to Yamashita? That I long for you every second of each day?” He took another step towards Jin. “We feel the same.”
“But if we give in now, we’ll be dissatisfied and fed up with each other soon again.” Jin didn’t move away, even though he knew he should. Kazuya was too close. Too close to take him into an embrace and just hold him. “It would be a mistake.”
Kazuya looked at Jin, his eyes filled with anxiety and doubts, but still loving. “Don’t tell me it’s wrong to love you.”
“It is, Kazuya”, Jin said, but had him pulled close in the next moment. Kazuya sighed in relief and Jin felt it in himself, echoing his own feelings. “This is wrong.”
“We’re locked in here, Jin.” Kazuya returned the hug, held Jin. “No one can come in, and we can’t get out”, he whispered and his hands gripped the fabric of Jin’s pullover.
“We shouldn’t do this.”
“I know, but no one will ever know”, Kazuya said. “We can face reality tomorrow; we’ll be back to what we’ve been tomorrow.”
Jin shook his head. “We always are what we are, Kazuya.”
Drawing away for bit, Kazuya looked into Jin’s face, framed it, just as Jin had held his the day before. “This will just remain as if we dreamt it. Let’s just pretend we were okay for tonight, Jin.” His lips found Jin’s, brushed them. “We can get back to where we’ve been for just tonight.”
“I won’t let you seduce me again”, Jin said, but already kissed Kazuya back.
“I don’t want that, Jin. I do, actually, but what I want even more is you being just like you’ve been to me.”
“I can’t trust you anymore.”
“Pretend it hasn’t happened, Jin”, Kazuya said and winded his arms around Jin’s neck. “Kiss me like you used to.”
Jin couldn’t possibly resist. He wanted it just as much, and against his better mind, he pulled Kazuya close and hungrily kissed him. Tilting his head, he let his tongue slide into Kazuya’s mouth, ran it over Kazuya’s, made him kiss him back.
Jin was out of breath when he finally broke it, leaned his forehead against Kazuya’s. “Don’t make me do this. I will miss you just even more tomorrow.”
“You think it’s a mistake?” Kazuya’s voice was rough.
“It feels right, but it doesn’t solve anything.”
“You can’t even pretend?”
“Kazuya”, Jin said and brushed his hair. His hands proved his words wrong, since they were gentle and reassuring. “I don’t need to pretend I’d want you.”
“You can have me”, the younger one answered.
“Don’t you understand?” Jin held Kazuya’s head, looking straight at him. “Even if I slept with you now, even if I said now that I miss you and want you back, we would still not get over it.”
Kazuya nodded. “I know. But it’s hard to always just miss you.”
“I miss you, too”, Jin admitted. “So much.”
“Where’s the logic in this?”, Kazuya asked and tightened his arms around Jin. “If we love each other…”
“That’s not enough, sometimes, Kazuya.”
“You want me to let go of you now, spend the whole night in this room with you, without touching you once?”
“It’s not what I want, but what we need to do.”
“You don’t really expect me to go along with this, do you?” Kazuya moved his head slightly, pressed his lips against Jin’s jaw. “You wouldn’t resist, would you?”
“Kazuya”, Jin said; suffering. “How much more would you hate me tomorrow, if I’d do that now, if I’d let you?”
“I love you, Jin.”
It hurt, since he knew it was true. He felt the same; they wanted the same, but something in Jin held him back from letting go. “Did Uchi touch you when you’ve been together yesterday?”
Kazuya pulled back, stared at Jin.
“Did you let him hold you, because you felt lonely?”
Kazuya gave him a pitiful look. “Don’t let that jealousy eat away on you.”
“How could I forget about it?”, Jin wanted to know. “I’ll always think about it whenever I’ll be with you.”
He had to be honest, Kazuya thought. No more lies. “He did embrace me.” Seeing the look in Jin’s eyes, he wanted to stop, to keep all that to himself. “And I didn’t push him away right away. But, Jin”, he said firmly and held on to Jin tighter. “All I could think was that it felt so wrong, because it was not you.”
“You still got weak and let him”, Jin just said.
“But as long as you are with me…”
“If I ever can’t, Kazuya”, he asked and shook his head. “If I ever won’t be able to be by your side, will I always have to be afraid of you turning to someone else?”
“Don’t doubt me, Jin.” Kazuya took a step back. “It’s not fair to accuse me of being unfaithful, because of one mistake. You know it’ll never happen again.”
“When I came to see you yesterday, you were with the person you cheated on me again. How could I trust your words?”
“Nothing happened; we were talking.”
Jin shook his head again, let go of Kazuya’s arms. “If I hadn’t called back then, if I hadn’t knocked your door yesterday; I wonder how far you would have gone.”
Kazuya stared at him with hurt eyes. “It doesn’t matter if I’d even beg at your feet; you wouldn’t forgive me, would you?”
“I can forgive”, Jin said. “But I can’t forget. I would always remember and be afraid of it happening again, as soon as things are not smooth between us.”
“That’s not fair”, Kazuya murmured. “You really make it look as if you were the only one suffering, as if I was the only one who made a mistake.”
Jin looked at him, saw the brunette lowering his head and biting his lip.
“I did so much to maintain our relationship; I always put so much more into it than you did. I never got angry at you for neglecting me or even forgetting about dates or whatever important things came up. I always told myself that it was just typically you and you didn’t mean it badly; that you still loved me, even if you treated me cold sometimes or ignored my feelings.”
“Kazuya…” Jin fisted his hands, to keep himself from touching the younger one.
“And now, I had to find out that I was wrong; that you didn’t love me all that much, that deep inside you, you hated me for what I am.” He looked at Jin. “I found all that and I still want to give us a chance. It’s not fair you act like you do now.”
Jin didn’t say anything for a moment. He just looked at Kazuya, saw those hurt eyes and knew the younger one was right. Just as Yamashita had said back then; for betraying Kazuya’s feelings like that, Jin wasn’t any better.
“We won’t be able to fix it, Kazuya”, he finally said, low and quiet.
“I know”, Kazuya whispered and looked away. “I don’t want to believe it.”
Slowly, Jin got closer again and his hands took Kazuya’s shoulders, his lips brushed the younger one’s forehead. Gently, Jin’s hands scanned down those thin arms, to Kazuya’s hands and he tangled their fingers. “I’m sorry.”
“I still can’t find the logic”, Kazuya murmured and closed his eyes.
“We wouldn’t make it work.”
“Can’t we even try?”
Jin shook his head. “We’ve tried and it led us to this point, Kazuya.”
Opening his eyes again, Kazuya pressed his lips together and leaned his forehead against Jin’s shoulder. “Then you better let go of me now.”
Jin hesitated for a moment, then he stepped back again and broke the contact of their hands.
Clumsily, they stood like that for a moment, not daring to look at each other.
“I’ll leave you alone”, Kazuya said then and turned around. “I guess I can’t stand being in a room with you all night long.”
Jin followed him, made it to the door first. “You can’t possibly leave me alone here.”
Kazuya sighed. “Jin, don’t tempt me.”
“Didn’t you say it was okay for just tonight?”
Giving him an unbelieving look, Kazuya took a step away from Jin. “You didn’t want it.”
Jin nodded. “I’m okay with just holding you for the night.”
“You’re making no sense, Jin.”
“I know.” Jin managed a weak smile. “I don’t want to do anything we’d both regret tomorrow, but I think, what you’ve said was quite good.”
“That it would remain like we dreamt this?” Kazuya asked quietly.
Nodding, Jin closed the door again. “Besides, I don’t like being alone.” His voice had a trace of that kinkiness again, it used to have.
Jin was hiding behind his cool face again, Kazuya thought; and only the fact that he could still look behind that mask showed, how much he really loved Jin and knew him already. “We’ll just fall asleep next to each other at that couch?”
“We’ll just pretend it was okay until it’ll be morning and someone locks up that door out there.”
“Until then I can pretend you’d still love me enough?” Kazuya asked slowly.
“Until then”, Jin corrected and made a step closer “we pretend that it was enough to just love each other.”
Kazuya thought about it for a moment, then he raised his head and nodded. “I will have regrets, however.”
Jin knew they’d both have, but he couldn’t care about that now. He only gripped Kazuya’s hand and pulled him over to the couch. Together, they sat down, looked at each other, then both looked away. Gently, Jin squeezed Kazuya’s hand and pulled him down then, until they were both lying; Kazuya against the backrest of the couch but pressed close to Jin, though.
They didn’t say anything. Kazuya’s arm came around Jin’s waist and Jin brushed Kazuya’s hair with one hand. They both didn’t close their eyes, afraid of falling asleep in an instant and missing the feeling of being this close.
“It still feels right”, Kazuya whispered after a while, not sure if Jin was still awake.
“I know.” Jin didn’t stop running his hands through Kazuya’s hair. “We’re used to this.”
“Even so, it feels like it’s been so long since we’ve last been like this.”
Jin shifted, held Kazuya tighter. “It’s been.”
“I won’t ask you ever again, when this night is over”, Kazuya said then. “It’s your last chance.”
“I won’t change my mind, Kazuya.”
“Then this is the last time you will hold me like this.”
Jin nodded, but needed a moment to find his voice. “I’m going to fully enjoy it then.”
“You better miss it for the rest of your life”, Kazuya said, trying to sound sarcastic, but sadness thickened his voice.
Jin didn’t answer it; he only pressed a kiss to Kazuya’s hair. He would; but as long as he couldn’t imagine making it work again, he would have to take that.
Kazuya’s lips gently nipped at his neck and he closed his eyes. It had been so long since Jin had felt that calm to fall into a long and decent sleep.
Kazuya’s moves got lazy, lagged even and after a while, he stopped completely. Jin knew he had fallen asleep and nuzzled closer.
He only felt complete like this; he didn’t want to think of all his doubts and fears. For tonight, Kazuya was just the one he loved; there was nothing else to it. No memories of cheating and neglecting; no doubts and complaints.
It was okay to hold each other and pretend love was enough.
When Kazuya woke up, it was still dark. He first didn’t know where he was, but then remembered.
Jin was lying partly on top of him, his head resting at Kazuya’s shoulder, his arm possessively over the younger one’s waist. Kazuya’s cheek was resting against Jin’s hair and he was holding onto that arm.
It felt comfortable, lying like this. Kazuya lifted his hand to look at his wrist watch; finding it was already past seven.
He hadn’t slept that long in a while.
Jin shifted next to him, sighed in his sleep and pressed a kiss to Kazuya’s neck. It was probably out of habit; but gave Kazuya the feeling of everything being alright between them.
“Kazuya…”, Jin mumbled then and lifted his head, giving the younger one a sleepy look.
Kazuya smiled and lifted his hand to brush the mess of hair out of Jin’s sight. “Morning.”
Jin put his head back again, remembering as well. “How much more time do we have?”
“It’s shortly after seven.”
Not much time would remain for them, Jin realized and nuzzled closer. “This couch is too small for a decent sleep.”
Kazuya chuckled slightly. “I slept perfectly fine.”
“That’s because of me.” Jin ran his hand over Kazuya’s arm. “It’s quite cold in here.”
Kazuya opened his eyes, as he heard a sound. He tensed, felt Jin stiffen in his arms, too.
“Someone’s there.”
Jin wanted to grip Kazuya’s arm tighter; he didn’t want to let go. “Someone’s locked up the door.”
For a moment, they both couldn’t bring themselves to pull away and get up, then they broke the contact, sitting up at the couch.
Jin put on his shoes again, without looking at Kazuya who was getting into his boots as well. They both didn’t say a word, until they had to get up and leave the room.
It was still dark, even though the light was surely working again.
Jin got up first and walked over to the door. With this, it would come to an end. Kazuya had agreed to give up on them; they’d never be together like they’ve been together tonight again.
He gasped, as Kazuya suddenly grasped his wrist from behind and turned him around.
Their lips crashed together and before Jin could even react, they were both lost in a passionate kiss. Kazuya didn’t touch Jin any further, didn’t pull him closer. He just let the kiss get even hungrier, even deeper and hotter.
Jin moaned, as Kazuya but his lip, didn’t leave him any room to breath. His hand automatically reached out to grip Kazuya’s head, to tilt his head back to get more of that kiss. He kissed the younger one back now, just as passionately and desperately.
Kazuya didn’t just break the kiss; he let it end with gentle pecks, brushes, and licked Jin’s bottom lip and then opened his eyes, going on until Jin opened his, too.
He gave Jin another gentle kiss, leaving his lips red and swollen from it; then he drew back.
“I’m sorry.”
Without looking at Jin once again, Kazuya got past him to the door and turned on the lights before he left.
With that, the dream was over.
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Thank you so much for reading. I'm sorry my replys to your comments are late, but I'll definitely ctach up with it! And I also promise the next chapter will be more fluffy and less angsty!
“They didn’t know we were in here”, Jin answered.
“Okay, let’s call someone, then they will get us out here.”
Jin nodded and looked at Kazuya in anticipation, Kazuya staring back at him with the same expression. Jin let go of an annoyed sigh. “Would you please now, Kazuya?”
“I thought you would.”
“I can’t. I have left all my things in my car; I don’t have my mobile with me.”
Kazuya just palmed his face and turned away. “Splendid. Same here.”
Jin followed him with an unbelieving expression. “Why did you come in here without any of your belongings?”
“Why did you?”
“I just…” Jin stopped and looked away from Kazuya. “I was just quickly getting something I had forgotten.” He gripped the charm in his pocket.
“However, we can’t call someone. Let’s see if we can get out of one of the windows.” Kazuya avoided answering Jin’s original question with that, since the older one had already guessed it right before.
He’d been following Jin.
Jin nodded. He knew their rest rooms all didn’t have windows, but some of the office rooms and meeting rooms on the second floor had. Otherwise there were some in the hall where they were practicing. “Let’ try upstairs first.”
Without answering, Kazuya followed him to the stairs; both walking carefully, since it was even darker there. As they reached the second floor, Jin stopped and Kazuya nearly bumped into him again.
“Jin, would you please not just stop like that?”
Jin didn’t turn to him. “This is somehow scary”, he said and looked ahead into the empty and dark corridor in front of them, with doors on each side.
“It’s the same corridor it’s always been, Jin.” Kazuya walked past him.
“It reminds me of a haunting house right now.”
Laughing, the younger one looked over his shoulder into Jin’s direction. “Scaredy-cat.”
Jin didn’t answer, but also didn’t bother. Kazuya knew since long he was scared of dark rooms, so it wasn’t like he had to keep up an image. “It’s fine with me if you go ahead.”
Kazuya just shook his head and went on then, checking every door. Jin remained close behind him and looked at Kazuya’s hands whenever they gripped a door handle, afraid of anything happening.
As they reached the last door, Kazuya threw him a look. “Looks like we’ll have to try the ones in the hall.”
“But they are pretty high; I don’t think we’ll be able to reach any of them.”
Kazuya nodded. “I want to try, however.”
Jin followed him to the stairs again and they went back down, into the corridor there. As they stepped into the hall, they could finally see a bit more again, since the moonlight was shining through the small windows at the top of the room.
They both stood side by side, staring up at them.
“You could reach one, if I’d lift you up”, Jin said.
Kazuya threw him a look. “I don’t want you to lift me up.”
“Well, I could think of more exciting things, too.” Jin shrugged his shoulders. “But it sounds even less attractive to me to be locked up here with you for a whole night.”
Kazuya still looked at him and Jin tried to ignore those hurt looking eyes and got down to his knees.
“Get on.”
Kazuya hesitated for a moment. Then he got onto Jin’s shoulders and let the older one lift him up. Jin gripped his legs to hold him and Kazuya stretched out his hands to the window.
“Can you reach it?”
Getting up a bit more, Kazuya shook his head. “I’m too short.”
“Jin got to his toes as well, holding Kazuya’s legs tighter to not let him fall. “Try again.”
Stretching even more, Kazuya managed to touch the window’s frame, but the handle was at the top part of it, and he didn’t even get his hand near it. “Don’t let go, Jin.”
“It’s okay, try to get up higher, I won’t let you fall.”
Kazuya lifted his body higher, but then felt shaking and as Jin stumbled beneath him, he knew they’d fall.
It happened within seconds; Jin let go of his legs, and they both fell with their backs first.
Lying at the floor and staring at the high ceiling, Kazuya managed a coughing, then he started to laugh.
Jin threw him a look, before he joined in and both of them laughed until they had to hold their stomachs.
“You won’t let me fall, huh?” Kazuya sat up and grinned at Jin.
“I didn’t intend to.”
Getting up, the younger one looked up at the windows again. “I guess we won’t get out of here.”
Jin frowned, still lying on the floor. “I don’t want to stay here all night.”
“We don’t have a choice.”
Suddenly, Jin got up quite quickly and rushed past Kazuya. “The couch in our room is mine!”
“Oi!” Kazuya followed him, ran after Jin and they dashed out of the hall, through the corridor to the rooms for the bands.
Jin reached their room first and turned there, slightly out of breath. “You can go over to Kanjani’s.”
“Why do I have to go to their room?” Kazuya pouted.
“Because this couch is mine for tonight”, Jin answered playfully.
“I don’t want to know what has happened on Kanjani’s couch already.”
They both needed a second; then they blushed and looked over to the couch in their room, since both of them remembered perfectly what had already happened there.
“Well, in that case, I guess no couch here is completely unstained”, Jin said finally.
Kazuya shrugged his shoulders and then turned again. “I don’t want to sleep yet, however.” He went to the door again. “I’ll probably just stay up all night.”
“Your own little pyjama party?”, Jin asked in a kinky voice. “Exciting.”
“Shut up, Jin”, Kazuya answered and laughed. “But better than to sleep in another band’s room for sure.”
Jin remained at the door frame, watching Kazuya walking down the corridor. “What are you going to do?”
“I’ll have a look around. I’ll probably find a way out and will leave you all alone here in the dark.”
Jin raised a brow and turned. “Well then, have fun.”
Kazuya didn’t react anymore, he just went ahead and in his head counted from ten downwards. It would take Jin less than ten seconds to catch up; he was sure.
Jin stood in the room for a few seconds, and suddenly noticed the silence and moving shadows at the wall.
He was really bad with those kinds of things, so he decided to follow Kazuya in an instant. He rushed out of the door again and down the corridor to where he saw Kazuya still lazily walking around.
“Kazuya…”
The younger one turned. “Four.”
Jin frowned. “Eh?”
“You had four seconds left.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Never mind”, Kazuya just said and smiled. “What did you want to say?”
“I…” Jin cleared his throat. “I better don’t let you walk around here all alone.”
Kazuya just threw him a knowing look, but didn’t tease him any further. “You better don’t.”
Jin didn’t say anything else, just fallowed Kazuya around. “Where else do you want to try?”
“At the front”, Kazuya answered and checked the windows next to the door, as they reached the entrance, but they couldn’t even be opened.
Somewhere in the building, probably upstairs, something fell and they both raised their heads in surprise.
“What was that?”, Jin asked in a weak voice.
Automatically, Kazuya gripped Jin’s hand, without even noticing it. “I don’t know; but it’s just us here, you don’t need to be afraid.”
Jin turned his head to Kazuya, still stiff, but he noticed the warmth of Kazuya’s hand, of his presence, making him calmer.
Kazuya then noticed and looked at their hands. “Crap… I…” He swallowed thickly and pulled is hand away. “Sorry, that was out of habit.”
Jin just shook his head. “Can’t we just go back and stay in the room?”
Nodding, Kazuya walked back beside Jin. They fell silent, both noticing that they couldn’t behave like kids any longer. It had been like in old times, playing around like that, but as Kazuya had gripped Jin’s hand they had noticed that those times, the times when they had played around like kids, had been gone with the moment they had held hands for the first time.
In the room, they both clumsily took seat at both ends of the couch; each at one side and didn’t even dare looking at the other.
“Jin”, Kazuya finally said and looked at him then. “Will you listen?”
Jin stared at the ring around his finger, fidgeting it. The charm in his pocket suddenly felt as if it was burning into his thigh. “Do I have a choice?”
Kazuya bit his lip, still observing him. “Why did you come to see me yesterday?”
“It was obvious, wasn’t it?”
He managed a nod. “Don’t change your mind again.”
“Why was Uchi there?”, Jin wanted to know.
“He came without me knowing he would. I didn’t invite him over.”
Jin thought about it for a moment. “Why did you even let him in?”
“I thought I should finally tell him why I didn’t answer his calls and mails.” Kazuya shifted a bit, feeling uncomfortable.
“He told me you hadn’t.”
Kazuya blinked his eyes in confusion.
Throwing him a look, the older one managed a short laugh. “I actually met him yesterday at work. He asked me for your number.”
“Jin…”
“I thought if I’d give it to him that would be so definite. Would mean I’ve given up on you.” Jin pulled the ring from his finger; put it back to its place then. “I didn’t want to give up on you.”
Kazuya swallowed thickly. “Let’s not, Jin”, he whispered then.
“What? Give up?” Jin shook his head. “We can’t get back to where we’ve been, Kazuya.”
“You still can’t love me?”
“I told you I lied about it.”
Kazuya shook his head. “You didn’t lie about being jealous of me. I’ve always noticed you were.”
“I’ve been, but when I said I first and foremost always loved you, I meant it”, Jin said. “The one who broke that trust were you.”
“Don’t shift all the blame onto me, Jin.”
Jin’s look became cold again. “I didn’t kiss Uchi.”
“I’ve never hated you when you were successful in what you’ve been doing”, Kazuya countered.
“I should have been on your mind, Kazuya, to hold you back from it.”
“I apologized, didn’t I? You never apologized for fooling me for so long.”
Jin got up, walking around the room. “An apology wouldn’t make it undone. Would you forgive me if I said that I’m sorry you heard that lie I told Yamapi?”
“I would ask you why you even lied to him in the first place.”
Jin stopped and stared at Kazuya. “You didn’t hear the other part of the conversation, so it doesn’t matter. You just heard what you’ve wanted to hear, however.”
Kazuya returned the look. “Why don’t you just tell me what I want to hear then now?”
“What, Kazuya?” Jin shook his head, his expression sad. “That I can’t sleep? That I miss you to death? That I want you back by my side so badly, it hurts?” It got bitter. “What could it change?”
Kazuya got up now as well, walked over to Jin. “What if I told you that I feel the same? That I wish I’d never even met Uchi that day? That I wish I’d never heard what you’ve said to Yamashita? That I long for you every second of each day?” He took another step towards Jin. “We feel the same.”
“But if we give in now, we’ll be dissatisfied and fed up with each other soon again.” Jin didn’t move away, even though he knew he should. Kazuya was too close. Too close to take him into an embrace and just hold him. “It would be a mistake.”
Kazuya looked at Jin, his eyes filled with anxiety and doubts, but still loving. “Don’t tell me it’s wrong to love you.”
“It is, Kazuya”, Jin said, but had him pulled close in the next moment. Kazuya sighed in relief and Jin felt it in himself, echoing his own feelings. “This is wrong.”
“We’re locked in here, Jin.” Kazuya returned the hug, held Jin. “No one can come in, and we can’t get out”, he whispered and his hands gripped the fabric of Jin’s pullover.
“We shouldn’t do this.”
“I know, but no one will ever know”, Kazuya said. “We can face reality tomorrow; we’ll be back to what we’ve been tomorrow.”
Jin shook his head. “We always are what we are, Kazuya.”
Drawing away for bit, Kazuya looked into Jin’s face, framed it, just as Jin had held his the day before. “This will just remain as if we dreamt it. Let’s just pretend we were okay for tonight, Jin.” His lips found Jin’s, brushed them. “We can get back to where we’ve been for just tonight.”
“I won’t let you seduce me again”, Jin said, but already kissed Kazuya back.
“I don’t want that, Jin. I do, actually, but what I want even more is you being just like you’ve been to me.”
“I can’t trust you anymore.”
“Pretend it hasn’t happened, Jin”, Kazuya said and winded his arms around Jin’s neck. “Kiss me like you used to.”
Jin couldn’t possibly resist. He wanted it just as much, and against his better mind, he pulled Kazuya close and hungrily kissed him. Tilting his head, he let his tongue slide into Kazuya’s mouth, ran it over Kazuya’s, made him kiss him back.
Jin was out of breath when he finally broke it, leaned his forehead against Kazuya’s. “Don’t make me do this. I will miss you just even more tomorrow.”
“You think it’s a mistake?” Kazuya’s voice was rough.
“It feels right, but it doesn’t solve anything.”
“You can’t even pretend?”
“Kazuya”, Jin said and brushed his hair. His hands proved his words wrong, since they were gentle and reassuring. “I don’t need to pretend I’d want you.”
“You can have me”, the younger one answered.
“Don’t you understand?” Jin held Kazuya’s head, looking straight at him. “Even if I slept with you now, even if I said now that I miss you and want you back, we would still not get over it.”
Kazuya nodded. “I know. But it’s hard to always just miss you.”
“I miss you, too”, Jin admitted. “So much.”
“Where’s the logic in this?”, Kazuya asked and tightened his arms around Jin. “If we love each other…”
“That’s not enough, sometimes, Kazuya.”
“You want me to let go of you now, spend the whole night in this room with you, without touching you once?”
“It’s not what I want, but what we need to do.”
“You don’t really expect me to go along with this, do you?” Kazuya moved his head slightly, pressed his lips against Jin’s jaw. “You wouldn’t resist, would you?”
“Kazuya”, Jin said; suffering. “How much more would you hate me tomorrow, if I’d do that now, if I’d let you?”
“I love you, Jin.”
It hurt, since he knew it was true. He felt the same; they wanted the same, but something in Jin held him back from letting go. “Did Uchi touch you when you’ve been together yesterday?”
Kazuya pulled back, stared at Jin.
“Did you let him hold you, because you felt lonely?”
Kazuya gave him a pitiful look. “Don’t let that jealousy eat away on you.”
“How could I forget about it?”, Jin wanted to know. “I’ll always think about it whenever I’ll be with you.”
He had to be honest, Kazuya thought. No more lies. “He did embrace me.” Seeing the look in Jin’s eyes, he wanted to stop, to keep all that to himself. “And I didn’t push him away right away. But, Jin”, he said firmly and held on to Jin tighter. “All I could think was that it felt so wrong, because it was not you.”
“You still got weak and let him”, Jin just said.
“But as long as you are with me…”
“If I ever can’t, Kazuya”, he asked and shook his head. “If I ever won’t be able to be by your side, will I always have to be afraid of you turning to someone else?”
“Don’t doubt me, Jin.” Kazuya took a step back. “It’s not fair to accuse me of being unfaithful, because of one mistake. You know it’ll never happen again.”
“When I came to see you yesterday, you were with the person you cheated on me again. How could I trust your words?”
“Nothing happened; we were talking.”
Jin shook his head again, let go of Kazuya’s arms. “If I hadn’t called back then, if I hadn’t knocked your door yesterday; I wonder how far you would have gone.”
Kazuya stared at him with hurt eyes. “It doesn’t matter if I’d even beg at your feet; you wouldn’t forgive me, would you?”
“I can forgive”, Jin said. “But I can’t forget. I would always remember and be afraid of it happening again, as soon as things are not smooth between us.”
“That’s not fair”, Kazuya murmured. “You really make it look as if you were the only one suffering, as if I was the only one who made a mistake.”
Jin looked at him, saw the brunette lowering his head and biting his lip.
“I did so much to maintain our relationship; I always put so much more into it than you did. I never got angry at you for neglecting me or even forgetting about dates or whatever important things came up. I always told myself that it was just typically you and you didn’t mean it badly; that you still loved me, even if you treated me cold sometimes or ignored my feelings.”
“Kazuya…” Jin fisted his hands, to keep himself from touching the younger one.
“And now, I had to find out that I was wrong; that you didn’t love me all that much, that deep inside you, you hated me for what I am.” He looked at Jin. “I found all that and I still want to give us a chance. It’s not fair you act like you do now.”
Jin didn’t say anything for a moment. He just looked at Kazuya, saw those hurt eyes and knew the younger one was right. Just as Yamashita had said back then; for betraying Kazuya’s feelings like that, Jin wasn’t any better.
“We won’t be able to fix it, Kazuya”, he finally said, low and quiet.
“I know”, Kazuya whispered and looked away. “I don’t want to believe it.”
Slowly, Jin got closer again and his hands took Kazuya’s shoulders, his lips brushed the younger one’s forehead. Gently, Jin’s hands scanned down those thin arms, to Kazuya’s hands and he tangled their fingers. “I’m sorry.”
“I still can’t find the logic”, Kazuya murmured and closed his eyes.
“We wouldn’t make it work.”
“Can’t we even try?”
Jin shook his head. “We’ve tried and it led us to this point, Kazuya.”
Opening his eyes again, Kazuya pressed his lips together and leaned his forehead against Jin’s shoulder. “Then you better let go of me now.”
Jin hesitated for a moment, then he stepped back again and broke the contact of their hands.
Clumsily, they stood like that for a moment, not daring to look at each other.
“I’ll leave you alone”, Kazuya said then and turned around. “I guess I can’t stand being in a room with you all night long.”
Jin followed him, made it to the door first. “You can’t possibly leave me alone here.”
Kazuya sighed. “Jin, don’t tempt me.”
“Didn’t you say it was okay for just tonight?”
Giving him an unbelieving look, Kazuya took a step away from Jin. “You didn’t want it.”
Jin nodded. “I’m okay with just holding you for the night.”
“You’re making no sense, Jin.”
“I know.” Jin managed a weak smile. “I don’t want to do anything we’d both regret tomorrow, but I think, what you’ve said was quite good.”
“That it would remain like we dreamt this?” Kazuya asked quietly.
Nodding, Jin closed the door again. “Besides, I don’t like being alone.” His voice had a trace of that kinkiness again, it used to have.
Jin was hiding behind his cool face again, Kazuya thought; and only the fact that he could still look behind that mask showed, how much he really loved Jin and knew him already. “We’ll just fall asleep next to each other at that couch?”
“We’ll just pretend it was okay until it’ll be morning and someone locks up that door out there.”
“Until then I can pretend you’d still love me enough?” Kazuya asked slowly.
“Until then”, Jin corrected and made a step closer “we pretend that it was enough to just love each other.”
Kazuya thought about it for a moment, then he raised his head and nodded. “I will have regrets, however.”
Jin knew they’d both have, but he couldn’t care about that now. He only gripped Kazuya’s hand and pulled him over to the couch. Together, they sat down, looked at each other, then both looked away. Gently, Jin squeezed Kazuya’s hand and pulled him down then, until they were both lying; Kazuya against the backrest of the couch but pressed close to Jin, though.
They didn’t say anything. Kazuya’s arm came around Jin’s waist and Jin brushed Kazuya’s hair with one hand. They both didn’t close their eyes, afraid of falling asleep in an instant and missing the feeling of being this close.
“It still feels right”, Kazuya whispered after a while, not sure if Jin was still awake.
“I know.” Jin didn’t stop running his hands through Kazuya’s hair. “We’re used to this.”
“Even so, it feels like it’s been so long since we’ve last been like this.”
Jin shifted, held Kazuya tighter. “It’s been.”
“I won’t ask you ever again, when this night is over”, Kazuya said then. “It’s your last chance.”
“I won’t change my mind, Kazuya.”
“Then this is the last time you will hold me like this.”
Jin nodded, but needed a moment to find his voice. “I’m going to fully enjoy it then.”
“You better miss it for the rest of your life”, Kazuya said, trying to sound sarcastic, but sadness thickened his voice.
Jin didn’t answer it; he only pressed a kiss to Kazuya’s hair. He would; but as long as he couldn’t imagine making it work again, he would have to take that.
Kazuya’s lips gently nipped at his neck and he closed his eyes. It had been so long since Jin had felt that calm to fall into a long and decent sleep.
Kazuya’s moves got lazy, lagged even and after a while, he stopped completely. Jin knew he had fallen asleep and nuzzled closer.
He only felt complete like this; he didn’t want to think of all his doubts and fears. For tonight, Kazuya was just the one he loved; there was nothing else to it. No memories of cheating and neglecting; no doubts and complaints.
It was okay to hold each other and pretend love was enough.
When Kazuya woke up, it was still dark. He first didn’t know where he was, but then remembered.
Jin was lying partly on top of him, his head resting at Kazuya’s shoulder, his arm possessively over the younger one’s waist. Kazuya’s cheek was resting against Jin’s hair and he was holding onto that arm.
It felt comfortable, lying like this. Kazuya lifted his hand to look at his wrist watch; finding it was already past seven.
He hadn’t slept that long in a while.
Jin shifted next to him, sighed in his sleep and pressed a kiss to Kazuya’s neck. It was probably out of habit; but gave Kazuya the feeling of everything being alright between them.
“Kazuya…”, Jin mumbled then and lifted his head, giving the younger one a sleepy look.
Kazuya smiled and lifted his hand to brush the mess of hair out of Jin’s sight. “Morning.”
Jin put his head back again, remembering as well. “How much more time do we have?”
“It’s shortly after seven.”
Not much time would remain for them, Jin realized and nuzzled closer. “This couch is too small for a decent sleep.”
Kazuya chuckled slightly. “I slept perfectly fine.”
“That’s because of me.” Jin ran his hand over Kazuya’s arm. “It’s quite cold in here.”
Kazuya opened his eyes, as he heard a sound. He tensed, felt Jin stiffen in his arms, too.
“Someone’s there.”
Jin wanted to grip Kazuya’s arm tighter; he didn’t want to let go. “Someone’s locked up the door.”
For a moment, they both couldn’t bring themselves to pull away and get up, then they broke the contact, sitting up at the couch.
Jin put on his shoes again, without looking at Kazuya who was getting into his boots as well. They both didn’t say a word, until they had to get up and leave the room.
It was still dark, even though the light was surely working again.
Jin got up first and walked over to the door. With this, it would come to an end. Kazuya had agreed to give up on them; they’d never be together like they’ve been together tonight again.
He gasped, as Kazuya suddenly grasped his wrist from behind and turned him around.
Their lips crashed together and before Jin could even react, they were both lost in a passionate kiss. Kazuya didn’t touch Jin any further, didn’t pull him closer. He just let the kiss get even hungrier, even deeper and hotter.
Jin moaned, as Kazuya but his lip, didn’t leave him any room to breath. His hand automatically reached out to grip Kazuya’s head, to tilt his head back to get more of that kiss. He kissed the younger one back now, just as passionately and desperately.
Kazuya didn’t just break the kiss; he let it end with gentle pecks, brushes, and licked Jin’s bottom lip and then opened his eyes, going on until Jin opened his, too.
He gave Jin another gentle kiss, leaving his lips red and swollen from it; then he drew back.
“I’m sorry.”
Without looking at Jin once again, Kazuya got past him to the door and turned on the lights before he left.
With that, the dream was over.
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Thank you so much for reading. I'm sorry my replys to your comments are late, but I'll definitely ctach up with it! And I also promise the next chapter will be more fluffy and less angsty!