Kamen /// Eleventh Feeling: Awareness
“Jin, are you okay?”
The dark brunette looked up and managed an arrogant smile. “I’m fine, Taguchi, don’t get on my nerves.”
Nakamaru and Ueda gave him worried looks, but didn’t say anything. Jin hadn’t been there for the rehearsals the day before and it was visible what had kept him. He was pale, his hands shaky and he couldn’t concentrate.
But Jin had said he wanted to take part in the live, so now he was at the Dome with them, waiting for the show to start.
“It’s time to take the medicine, Akanishi-kun”, their manager said, as he entered the room. “You’ll feel better for the performance then.”
“It’s not like a concert, however.” Jin got up and was obviously struggling to stand, before he slowly walked out with their manager.
He saw Kazuya biting his lip, wanting to rush over and help him, most likely, but as the younger one noticed Jin’s look, he turned his head, put on an indifferent mask.
Whom did he try to fool?
Jin knew Kazuya cared for him; he knew the younger one had been there. The bread Jin had wanted when Kazuya had picked him up that morning in the convenience store; only Kazuya could have left it.
And all the times Kazuya had cooked for him; Jin knew only the light brunette cooked like that. He knew what Kazuya’s cooking tasted like.
Jin was still debating for asking Kazuya about the charm. He must have had taken it with him, there was no other explanation to where the charm had possibly disappeared to.
But Jin wasn’t sure about what it meant Kazuya had taken it. Did the younger one want Jin to let go? To forget about their love and get over it?
He couldn’t possibly want Jin to give them up completely. They still loved each other; they had agreed on that. They just couldn’t make it work.
But they had also agreed on parting, on breaking up and people who broke up didn’t do what they did.
Longing looks, secretly caring for the other, suffering from being apart.
Being jealous, Jin added in his thoughts, as he took the glass he was handed.
Only the thought that Kazuya was free to care for anyone else he liked, drove Jin mad. He could still not approve of anyone else being worthy of Kazuya. No one but him.
But still, he wasn’t the one holding Kazuya. It wasn’t Jin who he turned to at night, who he saw first in the mornings and whom he came back to in the evening.
Jin knew he belonged to Kazuya, but even so, he couldn’t make that final step and bring things back into their order.
He missed Kazuya.
But loving him, and missing him was nothing he could use to build up trust. He was still insecure of himself and his feelings toward Kazuya, but Jin had figured by now that no matter how envious of Kazuya’s success he had probably been, he honestly loved Kazuya.
If he hadn’t, Jin would not have been that hurt after finding Kazuya had betrayed him. He would not miss Kazuya as much as he still did. If he wouldn’t love Kazuya, he would get over it easily, would forget about him quickly.
But Kazuya was always on Jin’s mind; he couldn’t keep his eyes off of the younger one and couldn’t stop thinking about him.
He simply loved Kazuya.
But, as simple as that was, it still wasn’t easy at all, and it just wasn’t enough. Probably, Jin thought and gulped down the fluid with the water, it wouldn’t ever be enough again.
He had to be able to trust Kazuya, first of all. And Kazuya had to gain back his trust in Jin’s feelings as well. It was about both of them changing their angles and minds and accepting their feelings.
But if they couldn’t, then there was not much hope for them.
As he came back to the room, Jin spotted Kazuya and for a moment, they looked at each other; then Kazuya turned his head, looked away.
“Jin, are you feeling better?”
He threw Koki an annoyed look, before he got over to take a seat at the table where Kazuya was sitting, too. “Honestly, Koki, I just took that stuff; it’ll take some time before it’s going to be working.”
Koki nodded and then occupied himself with his mobile again. Taguchi had left the room and Nakamaru and Ueda were at the other side, turned to them with their backs and apparently talking.
Jin used the chance and shifted from his chair to the one closer to Kazuya. “Well…”
Kazuya glanced at him, looking uncomfortable with the situation.
“I just wanted to say Thanks”, Jin said then.
Frowning, Kazuya turned to him now. “What?”
“I said thanks”, Jin repeated and fully turned to the younger one, as well. “For taking care of me yesterday.”
Kazuya raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Jin gave him a knowing smile. “I know you’ve been there, Kazuya. Someone cooked and took care of me.”
“That was Nishikido-kun, not me”, Kazuya answered.
“How do you know, Ryo has been there?”
Not letting Jin see that he had caught him, Kazuya shrugged a shoulder. “He told me earlier.”
Jin raised a brow. “You met Ryo?”
“I’ve been to NEWS’ room.”
“And you did what there?”
Kazuya gnawed his teeth. “I greeted Tegoshi-kun, Jin.”
“But Ryo’s been with Kanjani for the whole evening.” Jin leaned back, saw Kazuya thinking.
“However”, the younger man gave up on it then and got up. “It’s none of your business, anyways.”
It was, and they both knew. Jin raised his look to Kazuya. “I just wanted to thank you.”
Kazuya didn’t answer first. “You know you are more than welcome”, he mumbled then, before he walked over to Koki to get away from Jin’s questioning looks.
Jin followed him with his eyes, watched Kazuya fooling around with Koki; and Jin felt a gentle smile tugging his lips.
“Are you really sick, Jin?” Yamashita caught up on Jin, after the concert was over and they were allowed to go home.
Jin turned to him, shrugged a shoulder. Kazuya had left so early, he couldn’t have talked to him once more. Jin had taken his time to get ready and was surprised, anyone else but him was still around.
“I’m feeling better already.”
“Did they give you medicine?”
Jin nodded. “I felt like on drugs first, but it’s getting better now.”
Yamashita smiled. “You should get some proper rest.”
Turning his head, Jin walked on. “I’ll be off until late evening today, so I’ll take some time to sleep.”
“Ryo told me he came over to take care of you yesterday”, the younger one said and buried his hands in his pockets. “So, Kame is not looking after you?”
Jin frowned. “What’s that about, Pi?”
Yamashita seemed a bit uneasy at that question. “Well, I was just wondering if you guys made up already.”
“It’s none of your business.”
“So you keep messing up things.”
Jin gave him an annoyed look, as he opened the door and stepped out of the huge hall. “I am not messing up anything.”
“How come then, you guys still haven’t made up?”, Yamashita wanted to know.
“It’s not just about me, but also about Kazuya.”
The brunette fell silent for a moment, then he looked at Jin again. “But he’s the one who cheated, wasn’t he?”
Jin clicked his tongue. He really wasn’t in the mood to reflect on all that once again. “He overheard a part of our conversation that evening, Pi.”
“A part…”, Yamashita repeated and then his look got sorrowful. “The part you said that you never loved him as much.”
Jin shrugged a shoulder. “Unfortunate, but it can’t be helped.”
Yamashita sighed, looked pitiful at Jin then. “Did you at least tell him you lied?”
Jin gasped and he finally raised his look to the other male’s eyes. “How…”
“You didn’t really think I’d believe your words, did you?”
“I didn’t lie.”
Yamashita smiled gently. “Sure, you did.” He shook his head and turned then. “However, you’re a fool, Jin. Get things sorted out between the two of you.”
“It’s none of your business, Pi.” Jin growled.
Yamashita looked over his shoulder. “Then don’t carry your personal problems out like you do. Even Ryo-chan noticed something is off between you and Kame already.”
“It’s none of your business”, Jin repeated, louder, so that Yamashita would hear it for sure.
“I know it’s not, but you guys worry everyone around.”
Jin blinked and watched Yamashita getting into his car.
He could easily talk, Jin thought and turned to get to his own car. He obviously never had have problems like those before.
Apparently, Yamashita couldn’t understand it at all, but still, Jin felt thankful for his words and his try to push Jin into the right direction.
He just had doubts that they could make it work, that they could have each others trust back again. How was he supposed to make Kazuya see that he still loved him? That he still cared, that he really wanted to be by his side and support Kazuya in what he did?
And how could Kazuya ever make Jin forget what he had done; that he had easily betrayed him? Jin knew Kazuya was sorry about it, that he had realized it had been a mistake. But still, was there any warrant for Jin that Kazuya wouldn’t ever do it again?
Things were too complicated for Jin to actually make a step toward Kazuya.
He stopped the car as he reached his aim and got out, taking his time to take the steps ahead of him.
It wasn’t far from Kazuya’s place, and the temple was just a small one, but it had gotten a habit to come here for New Years. Usually, Kazuya would be with him, and Jin would only accompany him, since he himself never prayed.
But this year, Jin would probably make a prayer. He felt it was urgent.
He turned to the small shop that was still open and looked around for what he was looking for. As he found it, he looked at it carefully; making sure it was a pretty and intact one and then paid.
Then he got over to the shrine and as he saw the familiar figure in front of it, he couldn’t help the smile tugging at his lips.
Secretly, he had hoped to find him here.
Without saying a word, Jin stepped next to Kazuya and put some money to a case, before he pulled the long robe and made the bells ring a few times.
Kazuya turned his head to him and blinked. His eyes were big as he watched Jin clapping his hands and silently praying with his eyes close.
“Jin.”
The older one didn’t move.
Kazuya frowned at him. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Still, Jin didn’t react in the slightest bit.
Impatient, Kazuya tugged the sleeve of Jin’s coat. “Jin, you’re still sick; you shouldn’t be out here.”
Jin opened an eye and glanced at him. “Kazuya, would you please? I am praying here.”
“What kind of medicine did they give you to make you do this?”
“I am being sincere here”, Jean answered. “I’m not on drugs.”
“You behave like a child, really.”
Jin lowered his hands and turned. “Says the one who thinks prayers come true.”
Kazuya rolled his eyes. “Really, Jin, what in heaven’s name are you doing?”
“As I’ve said; I was praying.”
“You never pray.”
Jin shrugged a shoulder. “I thought I had some reasons to, this year.” He then turned his head again and as he raised his hands, Kazuya noticed the charm between them.
“You’re having a charm.”
“I just bought one, since you’ve stolen mine.”
Kazuya raised a brow. “It’s never been yours in the first place.”
Jin looked at the new charm in his hand. It was pink and red, just as the other one, reading Love in a gold sign. “I bought it, didn’t I?”
“But you gave it to me right away, so it’s always been mine.”
“You gave it back.”
“I never intended to.” Kazuya looked at him for a moment, then he turned his head and fumbled something out of his pocket. He held the old charm in his hand then. “It was an accident.”
“But you still left it to me, so it was mine then.”
Kazuya lowered his gaze, silently mumbled: “It’s precious to me.”
It fell silent around them, as Jin didn’t answer. He looked at the shrine again and then closed his eyes; held the charm against his chest.
Kazuya felt touched by the gesture, since he knew what it meant; and so he raised his hand as well, putting the charm over his chest, while he closed his eyes.
Jin gave him a look from his side, then he looked up, as a single snowflake landed on his cheek. Plenty more were following and he saw Kazuya opening his eyes again; looking up, too.
They gently covered them, and after a while, their hair was capped with the white snow. Jin lowered his gaze, looked at Kazuya again and saw the other one smiling at him.
He smiled back, shyly, before he reached out his hand and linked his pinkie with Kazuya’s. The younger one stopped smiling and looked down at their hands, seeing their pinkies hooked up. He made a step closer to Jin, and knowing they were all alone, he raised his head and pressed a gentle kiss to Jin’s lips.
They didn’t move in a while, just stood as they were, only their fingers and their lips touching.
Jin looked down to Kazuya’s eyes and Kazuya returned the look, sincere and honest. Then he got back to his soles and took a step back.
The snow flakes were dancing around them, slowly falling to the ground. There was no harsh wind rushing them, they just remained falling in their slow pace.
Jin noticed the cold at the hand that was still touching the younger one’s by having his finger hooked up with Kazuya’s. He was looking at Jin with an expression he couldn’t quite figure, but could describe as beautiful. Snow flakes were caught in Kazuya’s lashes; his nose was red from the cold, his lips dry, but soft. His eyes were sparkling warmly towards Jin and he could feel himself blushing from that look.
“I’m sorry, Kazuya.”
The younger one shook his head, moved his hand, until he could lace their fingers. “It’s okay, Jin”, he murmured and raised their hands to his mouth, brushing a kiss to Jin’s.
The older one felt it clenching his heart. “I guess I need to go.”
Kazuya raised his look to Jin, his lips still touching the back of the older one’s hand. “I think we should try to make our prayers come true.”
“You know I don’t believe in that stuff.”
Kazuya slightly shook his head. “You would not have come here tonight, if you didn’t.”
Jin pressed his lips together and for the first time in ages, he felt like crying. He really just wanted this pain to stop and leave him in peace. He wanted to feel happiness again, to look at Kazuya and have nothing than that warm feeling of affection.
He just needed Kazuya; he was aware of it, but still, he couldn’t let go of his doubts and fears.
“I am sorry, Kazuya”, he repeated; it was just a whisper, though.
Kazuya still didn’t let go of his hand, but he fully looked at Jin, lowering their hands, as he gently rubbed his thumb over Jin’s. “Are you?”
“I can’t make it”, Jin said. “I can’t believe in it.”
Kazuya knew Jin wasn’t talking about prayers anymore. He was talking about them, about Kazuya. Jin couldn’t believe in him.
His breath was fogging the air as he sighed silently. “Because you still don’t think we can make it work.”
Jin nodded his head, and despite his words, his hand clenched tighter to Kazuya’s, as if he was afraid the younger one would let go of it.
“You know, Jin”, Kazuya murmured and returned the tight grip “you need to try to make things work.”
Jin titled his head, his look sorrowful. “Kazuya…”
“You said it’s not enough to love each other. But, Jin…” Kazuya raised his head again and saw Jin looking away, his head turned to the ground. Kazuya tugged at his hand, came closer. “Jin, look at me.”
The older one bit his lip, shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Jin, look at me and be honest”, Kazuya demanded and waited until Jin turned his head again and raised his look to Kazuya’s. “Did you ever love me?”
Jin gulped, swallowed thickly. “I should not have ever made you doubt that”, he answered. “I still love you, Kazuya.”
“So, what I heard were lies?”
“They were”, Jin answered as he saw Kazuya’s expression getting more tensed. “I never meant to make you think I wouldn’t.”
“We figured already that we made mistakes. Both of us”, Kazuya added and pressed his lips together, since they felt cold. “We figured it, we admitted it and we both accepted it, didn’t we?”
Jin managed a nod. “But…”
“You still can’t believe in us being sincere about it.”
Jin shook his head. “That’s not it.”
“You don’t think it’s enough then”, Kazuya concluded.
“We can’t make it work by just loving each other, Kazuya.”
“So, you want to always feel hurt over it, look at me, want me, love me with knowing you’ll never have me?” Kazuya pulled away, his look hurt.
Jin felt the cold hit his hand that was warmed from Kazuya’s up until then. “I will get over it, eventually.”
Kazuya nodded, bit his lip and the snow was dripping from his hair as he lowered his head, his look hurt.
Jin felt a single tear tracing his own cheek. He raised his arm and grinded his sleeve over it; glad, that Kazuya hadn’t seen it.
“I guess I can’t”, Kazuya answered then, silently.
Jin looked at him again, stopping in his movement; stared.
“I can’t get over you, Jin”, Kazuya admitted. “I never will, and I don’t want to.”
His heart skipped a beat as he now saw a tear falling from Kazuya’s eye and he made a step closer. “Kazuya…”
“I thought you would want to try, too. You bought the charm again”, Kazuya said and managed a short laugh. “I really thought you still wanted it, too.”
“I do, Kazuya”, Jin answered and tried to approach him, but Kazuya stepped away from Jin. “I bought it, because I still love you. Didn’t I just say that?”
“But you still don’t want me back.”
Jin shook his head. “I want you to be happy, but I wouldn’t make you, Kazuya.”
Kazuya raised his head to him, biting his lip, to stop himself from actually crying. “Loving each other, Jin, is just the fundament. Of course, it can’t just work like that.”
“That’s what I am saying, Kazuya.”
The younger one shook his head and took another step away. “But you don’t get it, Jin.”
Jin frowned at Kazuya. He was trembling; the snow was already getting under the neckline of his coat and melted down his back. “What…?”
“You need to love each other, and with that you can try to make things work. You need to work on a relationship to maintain it.”
Jin lowered his head, afraid of what was coming. He knew it well enough.
“You never understood that, did you?”, Kazuya asked quietly, his voice shaky. “You never thought that far, right? That’s why you think we can’t make it work, because you don’t think about putting effort into our relationship.”
Jin shook his head. “I know I’ve been bad at it, but I was aware of it.”
“Then, Jin”, Kazuya continued and bit his teeth together to keep looking at the older one. “Don’t say such things. If you are aware of it, then don’t say it was not enough to love me and that you’d never be able to make me happy.”
“You would not have turned to someone else if I had made you happy”, Jin said quietly.
“That’s only because you stopped trying.” Kazuya ran a finger of his eye, swiped away the tear. “You don’t work on it anymore, Jin.”
With that, Kazuya turned and left Jin behind. The older one knew he’d been right with what he had said.
His doubts, his fears and everything he had been thinking about so hard. All that had just been excuses of his own insecurities, his own inability of taking care of his love.
Kazuya had always put so much more into their relationship than Jin had and he had known he wouldn’t make it any better after what had happened.
Jin crouched down to the ground and another tear escaped his eye.
He bit his lip to stop it from trembling and fisted his hands. He didn’t know what to do; didn’t know how to go on.
Kazuya had always been his friend. From the very first moment on, when they had met at the audition, something had clicked and Jin had loved Kazuya ever since. He loved Kazuya, as a friend and, as it had developed after all those years together, Jin loved him as a lover, as his boyfriend. Deep, honest and strong. They were meant to be.
There was love.
But, there was love - deep, honest and strong, as it was meant to be; as it was meant to be and functioned for everyone else.
There was love. And then, there was them.
It was up to him now; Kazuya had put his heart to Jin’s feet and he had kicked it like that. He had pushed Kazuya away, when he had wanted to give Jin just another chance. How many had he wasted already?
He really was a fool.
This time, Jin just let the tear stray down his cheek.
It’s been two days, thirteen hours and a couple of minutes, since Jin last had seen Kazuya.
Having a solo debut was something new and exciting, but it kept him from seeing the band as often as he used to.
Jin hadn’t thought so first, but he actually missed it.
It was similar to when he had been in L.A. The others were doing well without him, and somehow, it was something Jin didn’t like at all this time around.
He hadn’t cared about it that time, but this time was different, because this time he had admitted already that he loved Kazuya and just the thought of not working with him, was strange.
Working together had brought them together.
Their band room was empty, as Jin got in to get his things and leave to go home. He was tired, felt worn out and Kazuya was occupying his mind. He always thought of the younger one’s words, his face, the tears.
Jin had made more than one mistake and he regretted all of them.
But he didn’t know how to gain Kazuya’s trust back.
He had said he still loved Jin and that he wouldn’t ever get over it. Did that mean it would be easy for Jin to talk Kazuya back into being with him?
Jin wondered if Kazuya would reject him tonight if he’d just go over now and beg him.
Beg, Jin thought and palmed his face. He already was as far as to think of begging.
But there was probably no other way to it than to beg. He had made Kazuya suffer a lot, and he had to make up for it; even if he had to get to his knees for it.
He had made his Kazuya cry; and most likely Kazuya had cried more than just that one time that night two days ago.
That was something Jin couldn’t take at all.
He raised his head, as the door opened and saw Koki coming in. Jin gasped and his eyes widened, as he started at the younger one. “Koki?”
He raised his look and gave Jin a groggy smile. “Ah, Jin-kun. I’ll just get my things.”
With trembling hands, Jin rushed over and gripped Koki’s shoulders. He was pale and looked tired, his expression tortured. And his clothes were covered with blood. “Koki, what happened. Are you okay?” Jin’s hand skimmed over the blonde’s arms. “We need to bring you to a hospital.”
“I’ve just been there”, Koki explained and ran a hand over his face, looking exhausted. “I’ve just been there.”
Jin frowned, not understanding, what this was about. “Koki, you’re bleeding. You’re covered in blood.”
Koki looked down at his hands, over his sleeves and then at his jacket that was deep red at some parts. “It’s not mine”, he said then and looked at Jin.
The older one took a deep breath, relieved.
“It’s Kame’s.”
The deep breath, Jin had just taken got caught in his throat and he felt his blood stop running through his veins, felt his lips getting numb, his hands cold.
As his heart stopped beating.
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As always, thanks so much for reading <3 I think, the next chapter will be the last one. I am sorry for the cliff hanger, but you know ... it should be at least a bit exciting for the last chapter.
Oh my... this is lame v.v I am sorry.
The dark brunette looked up and managed an arrogant smile. “I’m fine, Taguchi, don’t get on my nerves.”
Nakamaru and Ueda gave him worried looks, but didn’t say anything. Jin hadn’t been there for the rehearsals the day before and it was visible what had kept him. He was pale, his hands shaky and he couldn’t concentrate.
But Jin had said he wanted to take part in the live, so now he was at the Dome with them, waiting for the show to start.
“It’s time to take the medicine, Akanishi-kun”, their manager said, as he entered the room. “You’ll feel better for the performance then.”
“It’s not like a concert, however.” Jin got up and was obviously struggling to stand, before he slowly walked out with their manager.
He saw Kazuya biting his lip, wanting to rush over and help him, most likely, but as the younger one noticed Jin’s look, he turned his head, put on an indifferent mask.
Whom did he try to fool?
Jin knew Kazuya cared for him; he knew the younger one had been there. The bread Jin had wanted when Kazuya had picked him up that morning in the convenience store; only Kazuya could have left it.
And all the times Kazuya had cooked for him; Jin knew only the light brunette cooked like that. He knew what Kazuya’s cooking tasted like.
Jin was still debating for asking Kazuya about the charm. He must have had taken it with him, there was no other explanation to where the charm had possibly disappeared to.
But Jin wasn’t sure about what it meant Kazuya had taken it. Did the younger one want Jin to let go? To forget about their love and get over it?
He couldn’t possibly want Jin to give them up completely. They still loved each other; they had agreed on that. They just couldn’t make it work.
But they had also agreed on parting, on breaking up and people who broke up didn’t do what they did.
Longing looks, secretly caring for the other, suffering from being apart.
Being jealous, Jin added in his thoughts, as he took the glass he was handed.
Only the thought that Kazuya was free to care for anyone else he liked, drove Jin mad. He could still not approve of anyone else being worthy of Kazuya. No one but him.
But still, he wasn’t the one holding Kazuya. It wasn’t Jin who he turned to at night, who he saw first in the mornings and whom he came back to in the evening.
Jin knew he belonged to Kazuya, but even so, he couldn’t make that final step and bring things back into their order.
He missed Kazuya.
But loving him, and missing him was nothing he could use to build up trust. He was still insecure of himself and his feelings toward Kazuya, but Jin had figured by now that no matter how envious of Kazuya’s success he had probably been, he honestly loved Kazuya.
If he hadn’t, Jin would not have been that hurt after finding Kazuya had betrayed him. He would not miss Kazuya as much as he still did. If he wouldn’t love Kazuya, he would get over it easily, would forget about him quickly.
But Kazuya was always on Jin’s mind; he couldn’t keep his eyes off of the younger one and couldn’t stop thinking about him.
He simply loved Kazuya.
But, as simple as that was, it still wasn’t easy at all, and it just wasn’t enough. Probably, Jin thought and gulped down the fluid with the water, it wouldn’t ever be enough again.
He had to be able to trust Kazuya, first of all. And Kazuya had to gain back his trust in Jin’s feelings as well. It was about both of them changing their angles and minds and accepting their feelings.
But if they couldn’t, then there was not much hope for them.
As he came back to the room, Jin spotted Kazuya and for a moment, they looked at each other; then Kazuya turned his head, looked away.
“Jin, are you feeling better?”
He threw Koki an annoyed look, before he got over to take a seat at the table where Kazuya was sitting, too. “Honestly, Koki, I just took that stuff; it’ll take some time before it’s going to be working.”
Koki nodded and then occupied himself with his mobile again. Taguchi had left the room and Nakamaru and Ueda were at the other side, turned to them with their backs and apparently talking.
Jin used the chance and shifted from his chair to the one closer to Kazuya. “Well…”
Kazuya glanced at him, looking uncomfortable with the situation.
“I just wanted to say Thanks”, Jin said then.
Frowning, Kazuya turned to him now. “What?”
“I said thanks”, Jin repeated and fully turned to the younger one, as well. “For taking care of me yesterday.”
Kazuya raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Jin gave him a knowing smile. “I know you’ve been there, Kazuya. Someone cooked and took care of me.”
“That was Nishikido-kun, not me”, Kazuya answered.
“How do you know, Ryo has been there?”
Not letting Jin see that he had caught him, Kazuya shrugged a shoulder. “He told me earlier.”
Jin raised a brow. “You met Ryo?”
“I’ve been to NEWS’ room.”
“And you did what there?”
Kazuya gnawed his teeth. “I greeted Tegoshi-kun, Jin.”
“But Ryo’s been with Kanjani for the whole evening.” Jin leaned back, saw Kazuya thinking.
“However”, the younger man gave up on it then and got up. “It’s none of your business, anyways.”
It was, and they both knew. Jin raised his look to Kazuya. “I just wanted to thank you.”
Kazuya didn’t answer first. “You know you are more than welcome”, he mumbled then, before he walked over to Koki to get away from Jin’s questioning looks.
Jin followed him with his eyes, watched Kazuya fooling around with Koki; and Jin felt a gentle smile tugging his lips.
“Are you really sick, Jin?” Yamashita caught up on Jin, after the concert was over and they were allowed to go home.
Jin turned to him, shrugged a shoulder. Kazuya had left so early, he couldn’t have talked to him once more. Jin had taken his time to get ready and was surprised, anyone else but him was still around.
“I’m feeling better already.”
“Did they give you medicine?”
Jin nodded. “I felt like on drugs first, but it’s getting better now.”
Yamashita smiled. “You should get some proper rest.”
Turning his head, Jin walked on. “I’ll be off until late evening today, so I’ll take some time to sleep.”
“Ryo told me he came over to take care of you yesterday”, the younger one said and buried his hands in his pockets. “So, Kame is not looking after you?”
Jin frowned. “What’s that about, Pi?”
Yamashita seemed a bit uneasy at that question. “Well, I was just wondering if you guys made up already.”
“It’s none of your business.”
“So you keep messing up things.”
Jin gave him an annoyed look, as he opened the door and stepped out of the huge hall. “I am not messing up anything.”
“How come then, you guys still haven’t made up?”, Yamashita wanted to know.
“It’s not just about me, but also about Kazuya.”
The brunette fell silent for a moment, then he looked at Jin again. “But he’s the one who cheated, wasn’t he?”
Jin clicked his tongue. He really wasn’t in the mood to reflect on all that once again. “He overheard a part of our conversation that evening, Pi.”
“A part…”, Yamashita repeated and then his look got sorrowful. “The part you said that you never loved him as much.”
Jin shrugged a shoulder. “Unfortunate, but it can’t be helped.”
Yamashita sighed, looked pitiful at Jin then. “Did you at least tell him you lied?”
Jin gasped and he finally raised his look to the other male’s eyes. “How…”
“You didn’t really think I’d believe your words, did you?”
“I didn’t lie.”
Yamashita smiled gently. “Sure, you did.” He shook his head and turned then. “However, you’re a fool, Jin. Get things sorted out between the two of you.”
“It’s none of your business, Pi.” Jin growled.
Yamashita looked over his shoulder. “Then don’t carry your personal problems out like you do. Even Ryo-chan noticed something is off between you and Kame already.”
“It’s none of your business”, Jin repeated, louder, so that Yamashita would hear it for sure.
“I know it’s not, but you guys worry everyone around.”
Jin blinked and watched Yamashita getting into his car.
He could easily talk, Jin thought and turned to get to his own car. He obviously never had have problems like those before.
Apparently, Yamashita couldn’t understand it at all, but still, Jin felt thankful for his words and his try to push Jin into the right direction.
He just had doubts that they could make it work, that they could have each others trust back again. How was he supposed to make Kazuya see that he still loved him? That he still cared, that he really wanted to be by his side and support Kazuya in what he did?
And how could Kazuya ever make Jin forget what he had done; that he had easily betrayed him? Jin knew Kazuya was sorry about it, that he had realized it had been a mistake. But still, was there any warrant for Jin that Kazuya wouldn’t ever do it again?
Things were too complicated for Jin to actually make a step toward Kazuya.
He stopped the car as he reached his aim and got out, taking his time to take the steps ahead of him.
It wasn’t far from Kazuya’s place, and the temple was just a small one, but it had gotten a habit to come here for New Years. Usually, Kazuya would be with him, and Jin would only accompany him, since he himself never prayed.
But this year, Jin would probably make a prayer. He felt it was urgent.
He turned to the small shop that was still open and looked around for what he was looking for. As he found it, he looked at it carefully; making sure it was a pretty and intact one and then paid.
Then he got over to the shrine and as he saw the familiar figure in front of it, he couldn’t help the smile tugging at his lips.
Secretly, he had hoped to find him here.
Without saying a word, Jin stepped next to Kazuya and put some money to a case, before he pulled the long robe and made the bells ring a few times.
Kazuya turned his head to him and blinked. His eyes were big as he watched Jin clapping his hands and silently praying with his eyes close.
“Jin.”
The older one didn’t move.
Kazuya frowned at him. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Still, Jin didn’t react in the slightest bit.
Impatient, Kazuya tugged the sleeve of Jin’s coat. “Jin, you’re still sick; you shouldn’t be out here.”
Jin opened an eye and glanced at him. “Kazuya, would you please? I am praying here.”
“What kind of medicine did they give you to make you do this?”
“I am being sincere here”, Jean answered. “I’m not on drugs.”
“You behave like a child, really.”
Jin lowered his hands and turned. “Says the one who thinks prayers come true.”
Kazuya rolled his eyes. “Really, Jin, what in heaven’s name are you doing?”
“As I’ve said; I was praying.”
“You never pray.”
Jin shrugged a shoulder. “I thought I had some reasons to, this year.” He then turned his head again and as he raised his hands, Kazuya noticed the charm between them.
“You’re having a charm.”
“I just bought one, since you’ve stolen mine.”
Kazuya raised a brow. “It’s never been yours in the first place.”
Jin looked at the new charm in his hand. It was pink and red, just as the other one, reading Love in a gold sign. “I bought it, didn’t I?”
“But you gave it to me right away, so it’s always been mine.”
“You gave it back.”
“I never intended to.” Kazuya looked at him for a moment, then he turned his head and fumbled something out of his pocket. He held the old charm in his hand then. “It was an accident.”
“But you still left it to me, so it was mine then.”
Kazuya lowered his gaze, silently mumbled: “It’s precious to me.”
It fell silent around them, as Jin didn’t answer. He looked at the shrine again and then closed his eyes; held the charm against his chest.
Kazuya felt touched by the gesture, since he knew what it meant; and so he raised his hand as well, putting the charm over his chest, while he closed his eyes.
Jin gave him a look from his side, then he looked up, as a single snowflake landed on his cheek. Plenty more were following and he saw Kazuya opening his eyes again; looking up, too.
They gently covered them, and after a while, their hair was capped with the white snow. Jin lowered his gaze, looked at Kazuya again and saw the other one smiling at him.
He smiled back, shyly, before he reached out his hand and linked his pinkie with Kazuya’s. The younger one stopped smiling and looked down at their hands, seeing their pinkies hooked up. He made a step closer to Jin, and knowing they were all alone, he raised his head and pressed a gentle kiss to Jin’s lips.
They didn’t move in a while, just stood as they were, only their fingers and their lips touching.
Jin looked down to Kazuya’s eyes and Kazuya returned the look, sincere and honest. Then he got back to his soles and took a step back.
The snow flakes were dancing around them, slowly falling to the ground. There was no harsh wind rushing them, they just remained falling in their slow pace.
Jin noticed the cold at the hand that was still touching the younger one’s by having his finger hooked up with Kazuya’s. He was looking at Jin with an expression he couldn’t quite figure, but could describe as beautiful. Snow flakes were caught in Kazuya’s lashes; his nose was red from the cold, his lips dry, but soft. His eyes were sparkling warmly towards Jin and he could feel himself blushing from that look.
“I’m sorry, Kazuya.”
The younger one shook his head, moved his hand, until he could lace their fingers. “It’s okay, Jin”, he murmured and raised their hands to his mouth, brushing a kiss to Jin’s.
The older one felt it clenching his heart. “I guess I need to go.”
Kazuya raised his look to Jin, his lips still touching the back of the older one’s hand. “I think we should try to make our prayers come true.”
“You know I don’t believe in that stuff.”
Kazuya slightly shook his head. “You would not have come here tonight, if you didn’t.”
Jin pressed his lips together and for the first time in ages, he felt like crying. He really just wanted this pain to stop and leave him in peace. He wanted to feel happiness again, to look at Kazuya and have nothing than that warm feeling of affection.
He just needed Kazuya; he was aware of it, but still, he couldn’t let go of his doubts and fears.
“I am sorry, Kazuya”, he repeated; it was just a whisper, though.
Kazuya still didn’t let go of his hand, but he fully looked at Jin, lowering their hands, as he gently rubbed his thumb over Jin’s. “Are you?”
“I can’t make it”, Jin said. “I can’t believe in it.”
Kazuya knew Jin wasn’t talking about prayers anymore. He was talking about them, about Kazuya. Jin couldn’t believe in him.
His breath was fogging the air as he sighed silently. “Because you still don’t think we can make it work.”
Jin nodded his head, and despite his words, his hand clenched tighter to Kazuya’s, as if he was afraid the younger one would let go of it.
“You know, Jin”, Kazuya murmured and returned the tight grip “you need to try to make things work.”
Jin titled his head, his look sorrowful. “Kazuya…”
“You said it’s not enough to love each other. But, Jin…” Kazuya raised his head again and saw Jin looking away, his head turned to the ground. Kazuya tugged at his hand, came closer. “Jin, look at me.”
The older one bit his lip, shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Jin, look at me and be honest”, Kazuya demanded and waited until Jin turned his head again and raised his look to Kazuya’s. “Did you ever love me?”
Jin gulped, swallowed thickly. “I should not have ever made you doubt that”, he answered. “I still love you, Kazuya.”
“So, what I heard were lies?”
“They were”, Jin answered as he saw Kazuya’s expression getting more tensed. “I never meant to make you think I wouldn’t.”
“We figured already that we made mistakes. Both of us”, Kazuya added and pressed his lips together, since they felt cold. “We figured it, we admitted it and we both accepted it, didn’t we?”
Jin managed a nod. “But…”
“You still can’t believe in us being sincere about it.”
Jin shook his head. “That’s not it.”
“You don’t think it’s enough then”, Kazuya concluded.
“We can’t make it work by just loving each other, Kazuya.”
“So, you want to always feel hurt over it, look at me, want me, love me with knowing you’ll never have me?” Kazuya pulled away, his look hurt.
Jin felt the cold hit his hand that was warmed from Kazuya’s up until then. “I will get over it, eventually.”
Kazuya nodded, bit his lip and the snow was dripping from his hair as he lowered his head, his look hurt.
Jin felt a single tear tracing his own cheek. He raised his arm and grinded his sleeve over it; glad, that Kazuya hadn’t seen it.
“I guess I can’t”, Kazuya answered then, silently.
Jin looked at him again, stopping in his movement; stared.
“I can’t get over you, Jin”, Kazuya admitted. “I never will, and I don’t want to.”
His heart skipped a beat as he now saw a tear falling from Kazuya’s eye and he made a step closer. “Kazuya…”
“I thought you would want to try, too. You bought the charm again”, Kazuya said and managed a short laugh. “I really thought you still wanted it, too.”
“I do, Kazuya”, Jin answered and tried to approach him, but Kazuya stepped away from Jin. “I bought it, because I still love you. Didn’t I just say that?”
“But you still don’t want me back.”
Jin shook his head. “I want you to be happy, but I wouldn’t make you, Kazuya.”
Kazuya raised his head to him, biting his lip, to stop himself from actually crying. “Loving each other, Jin, is just the fundament. Of course, it can’t just work like that.”
“That’s what I am saying, Kazuya.”
The younger one shook his head and took another step away. “But you don’t get it, Jin.”
Jin frowned at Kazuya. He was trembling; the snow was already getting under the neckline of his coat and melted down his back. “What…?”
“You need to love each other, and with that you can try to make things work. You need to work on a relationship to maintain it.”
Jin lowered his head, afraid of what was coming. He knew it well enough.
“You never understood that, did you?”, Kazuya asked quietly, his voice shaky. “You never thought that far, right? That’s why you think we can’t make it work, because you don’t think about putting effort into our relationship.”
Jin shook his head. “I know I’ve been bad at it, but I was aware of it.”
“Then, Jin”, Kazuya continued and bit his teeth together to keep looking at the older one. “Don’t say such things. If you are aware of it, then don’t say it was not enough to love me and that you’d never be able to make me happy.”
“You would not have turned to someone else if I had made you happy”, Jin said quietly.
“That’s only because you stopped trying.” Kazuya ran a finger of his eye, swiped away the tear. “You don’t work on it anymore, Jin.”
With that, Kazuya turned and left Jin behind. The older one knew he’d been right with what he had said.
His doubts, his fears and everything he had been thinking about so hard. All that had just been excuses of his own insecurities, his own inability of taking care of his love.
Kazuya had always put so much more into their relationship than Jin had and he had known he wouldn’t make it any better after what had happened.
Jin crouched down to the ground and another tear escaped his eye.
He bit his lip to stop it from trembling and fisted his hands. He didn’t know what to do; didn’t know how to go on.
Kazuya had always been his friend. From the very first moment on, when they had met at the audition, something had clicked and Jin had loved Kazuya ever since. He loved Kazuya, as a friend and, as it had developed after all those years together, Jin loved him as a lover, as his boyfriend. Deep, honest and strong. They were meant to be.
There was love.
But, there was love - deep, honest and strong, as it was meant to be; as it was meant to be and functioned for everyone else.
There was love. And then, there was them.
It was up to him now; Kazuya had put his heart to Jin’s feet and he had kicked it like that. He had pushed Kazuya away, when he had wanted to give Jin just another chance. How many had he wasted already?
He really was a fool.
This time, Jin just let the tear stray down his cheek.
It’s been two days, thirteen hours and a couple of minutes, since Jin last had seen Kazuya.
Having a solo debut was something new and exciting, but it kept him from seeing the band as often as he used to.
Jin hadn’t thought so first, but he actually missed it.
It was similar to when he had been in L.A. The others were doing well without him, and somehow, it was something Jin didn’t like at all this time around.
He hadn’t cared about it that time, but this time was different, because this time he had admitted already that he loved Kazuya and just the thought of not working with him, was strange.
Working together had brought them together.
Their band room was empty, as Jin got in to get his things and leave to go home. He was tired, felt worn out and Kazuya was occupying his mind. He always thought of the younger one’s words, his face, the tears.
Jin had made more than one mistake and he regretted all of them.
But he didn’t know how to gain Kazuya’s trust back.
He had said he still loved Jin and that he wouldn’t ever get over it. Did that mean it would be easy for Jin to talk Kazuya back into being with him?
Jin wondered if Kazuya would reject him tonight if he’d just go over now and beg him.
Beg, Jin thought and palmed his face. He already was as far as to think of begging.
But there was probably no other way to it than to beg. He had made Kazuya suffer a lot, and he had to make up for it; even if he had to get to his knees for it.
He had made his Kazuya cry; and most likely Kazuya had cried more than just that one time that night two days ago.
That was something Jin couldn’t take at all.
He raised his head, as the door opened and saw Koki coming in. Jin gasped and his eyes widened, as he started at the younger one. “Koki?”
He raised his look and gave Jin a groggy smile. “Ah, Jin-kun. I’ll just get my things.”
With trembling hands, Jin rushed over and gripped Koki’s shoulders. He was pale and looked tired, his expression tortured. And his clothes were covered with blood. “Koki, what happened. Are you okay?” Jin’s hand skimmed over the blonde’s arms. “We need to bring you to a hospital.”
“I’ve just been there”, Koki explained and ran a hand over his face, looking exhausted. “I’ve just been there.”
Jin frowned, not understanding, what this was about. “Koki, you’re bleeding. You’re covered in blood.”
Koki looked down at his hands, over his sleeves and then at his jacket that was deep red at some parts. “It’s not mine”, he said then and looked at Jin.
The older one took a deep breath, relieved.
“It’s Kame’s.”
The deep breath, Jin had just taken got caught in his throat and he felt his blood stop running through his veins, felt his lips getting numb, his hands cold.
As his heart stopped beating.
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As always, thanks so much for reading <3 I think, the next chapter will be the last one. I am sorry for the cliff hanger, but you know ... it should be at least a bit exciting for the last chapter.
Oh my... this is lame v.v I am sorry.