Along the Way /// Oneshot
Title: Along the Way
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Romance, Fluff
Word count: 4.712
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine.
Summary: Being perfect is what exactly? It's sometimes hard being an idol and having to keep up that image. But realizing what it is about life, that's perfect, is sometimes even harder.
A/N: Written for the January theme, Perfection(ists) over at ficwars .
It's completely written in Kazuya's POV, different from my usual way of writing, since I tend to put both their POV's in.
I feel like I wrote about them like that a hundred times by now, but it suited the topic and now, reading it over, I feel somehow reminded of Fade into the Background.
For naomi0211 .
I know, I keep repeating myself, but she's my Akame muse and I want to say: Sweetheart, no matter what, you'll make it and I am thinking of you. This is written to encourage you.
Ganbatte ne ♥
Along the Way
„So, who were you again?“
Kazuya looked up to the boy in front of him, giving him an odd look. He was probably a head taller than Kazuya and had dark brunette hair and small eyes, which were focused on Kazuya at the moment.
His name was Asakawa Hiro, as Kazuya remembered and he had claimed to beat them all in this competition they were in.
They were the ones who had made it through the casting, who were now here for practicing, because soon enough they would be participating as back dancers in a Kinky Kids concert.
It was about who could draw attention to themselves now, who would be outstanding and make people look at them.
Kazuya wasn’t quite sure if he could make that, though. He kind of wasn’t like the other kids.
He was calm and reserved. When everyone was battling for the top, he was okay with taking a step back and let them aim forward.
Probably, he wasn’t right in this spot; probably Kazuya shouldn’t be here and compete against people like Asakawa.
He wouldn’t win, anyways.
“Kamenashi”, he answered in a quiet voice and nodded his head politely to the older one. Not many of the people around him here were younger than him, actually.
“Well, you know, sitting here won’t help you getting into it”, Asakawa said and shook his head at him. “Why don’t you come over to the rest of the people there?”
Slightly flustered with that sudden invitation, Kazuya managed a nod and followed the older one over to the circle of boys, chatting, talking, laughing with each other.
It wasn’t like Kazuya didn’t like being around others, he just felt insecure and uncomfortable when he didn’t know people. He never talked big or was someone to entertain everyone else. He was rather the quiet observer and listener.
As he joined them, a few of them gave him looks, nods and polite smiles and Kazuya returned them all. His eyes, however, came to rest at a certain person.
He knew he was the opposite of Kazuya; not like Asakawa, but yet he was good and he knew he was and he didn’t leave any doubt about it.
They looked at each other for a moment, then Kazuya turned his look away and felt himself blushing.
What was that about? He barely ever blushed; so how came he did now? What was it that other boy made him feel so suddenly?
Hey hadn’t even ever talked yet; they had just seen each other at the casting once. The boy had been selected out of the bunch of about three hundred kids who had come there. He had been sent to a magazine shoot with others right away, while Kazuya had not even been in the group of the better ones, of those who had gotten to the front rows.
Even so, they had called him to come here today for practices for a concert.
Kazuya swallowed thickly and lifted his head again, finding the other boy was still looking at him. He had calm eyes and even though his expression was so very indifferent, Kazuya would have said they were friendly. In any case, warm.
“All right, boys, we’re starting; get to your positions.”
The choreographer had come in and everyone got hyped up to give their best.
After all, all of them dreamed of a career as an idol; to reach the top and become famous all over the country.
That’s the reason you’re here, Kazuya reminded himself, as he took his spot in one of the back rows. He wanted to show that he was special, after all, that he could pull off something and be better than the rest.
There had to be a reason for him to be here and he would find it and use it and make the best out of it.
His dream wasn’t different from those of the others; and he knew to fight for it.
Kazuya wouldn’t lose to anyone; that’s what he had promised to himself that morning before he had come here.
But now, seeing how everyone was so fired up and everyone seemed just so much better than him to fit this world, he somehow started to lose his courage again.
However, he tried to keep up and gave his best, put his full force into his dancing and as he was called to the front he was rather surprised by that.
He stood now next to the boy with the indifferent look; but as Kazuya turned his head, he saw that boy smiling at him and without realizing it at that very moment, it became one of Kazuya’s most precious memories in life.
It’d been not too long after that that they became friends. They often talked and spent time together.
His name was Akanishi Jin and Kazuya had to admit that, indeed, they were as different as possible.
But still, something about the other one attracted him and made him feel so much more comfortable. He felt secure around the others, in the group with other boys, because he knew they had accepted him and somehow, being with them was fun.
Jin had made it easier for him to get into the circle.
Still, in a way, they all were rivals, competing in the same battle. They all still had the same aim.
They wanted to get into a band and grade up from being just a junior. The aim was to debut someday and become huge, the best; perfect.
That needed a lot of hard work and training and their full concentration and might.
Sometimes, Kazuya was afraid he’d never do it and would have to watch all his friends getting there before him; but whenever he did something right, whenever he got praised for what he accomplished he felt that he could make it, indeed.
And he wouldn’t make it alone.
By the day, he was told he would get into a band, he tried to remember the name of the boy who had claimed, promised, to get better than all of them. Sometime along the way, Kazuya had lost track of where he had drifted off to.
He had disappeared--- what Kazuya had always feared had happened to that boy, apparently. He hadn’t made it; he hadn’t been good enough.
On the other side, Kazuya had made it into a group, had made a step closer to debut.
He looked at the other boys who would be in that group with him and he was glad to see their faces being faces he knew very well, by then.
Ueda was stubborn and short-tempered, but basically a gentle person and more than caring. They often got into fights, since they never shared an opinion, but Kazuya still somehow liked the older one.
Nakamaru was simply kind. He could talk a lot, but yet was quite grown-up and calm.
Taguchi had a fresh image and always wore a smile; even off camera he was cheery and always happy, making others feel good by his sunny attitude.
Koki was a rather crazy and somehow gave off the image of the bad boy who’d always get into trouble. But still, he had a kind heart and was a pretty good listener, always eager to help others.
Jin was probably Kazuya’s best friend.
He couldn’t quite tell if the older one really was; but outside this company Kazuya didn’t have too many close friends and there was no one he had ever spent as much time with as with Jin.
There was no one he had ever felt like that for before. Sometimes, Kazuya was afraid something about him was wrong, but then he realized over and over again, that nothing was. He was just having a best friend; someone he didn’t want to lose by all means.
From that moment on, they would all work hard together to someday debut and become even more successful. They would make their dreams come true--- the ones they all already had when they had entered the castings.
It would be the same path for them, they would share a lot.
Kazuya decided to put his heart into it, to make it perfect--- for the sake of their happiness; because only if they’d make it to the top, they would become truly happy.
As they were dismissed from the meeting and Jin turned to Kazuya, his face was beaming in excitement, the grin huge and it took over of Kazuya, making his heart jump for a moment, as realization hit him.
“We’ll make it, Kazuya”, Jin said and flung his arms around Kazuya’s neck to hug him excitedly.
That was, what Kazuya was putting all his might into for; that was, what made him keep going, what made him fighting to get up again and again to keep up with the others and become better.
If he’d do well, then Jin would smile; then Jin would be happy.
The moment, Kazuya realized that feeling of wanting Jin to be happy, of wanting to see Jin smile had nothing to do with friendship anymore, came, when Jin said one day that he wanted to leave.
It was just something he dreamed of, something he had had in mind for so long now.
Kazuya felt disappointed that he hadn’t known Jin had those dreams, that it was that important to him.
But what was even more confusing, was that Kazuya didn’t want him to. Only imagining the older one could go far away and leave Kazuya behind, made him feel anxious.
For the first time, he realized how important Jin was to him, how much he needed the older one in his life and that he probably felt more than a friend for him.
Kazuya pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind, told himself to go on as usual; treat Jin as his best friend and take what he got in return--- being Jin’s best friend.
He worked even harder, trying to forget that his heart started to pound wildly whenever Jin would just look at him; pushing the image of Jin’s smile out of his mind when he lay awake at nights.
Trying to forget that Jin wanted to be somewhere else; far away from Kazuya.
However, those fears and insecurities were easily forgotten, as they were told they’d get to debut.
All of his hard working had worked out and finally, Kazuya was at that point; the one that made his dream come true.
“Perfect”, they were told, as the news were spread through the company. “You guys made it; finally!”
Jin was happy; Kazuya could see it in his eyes, in the way he acted and smiled. It was what Jin wanted, as well.
Now, there was no reason anymore to leave. They were a band; they would have to work even harder from now on to accomplish their goal.
“Jin, are you happy like this?”, Kazuya wanted to know a few weeks later.
Jin gave him a short glance and then nodded. “I think we got what so many other boys dreamed off when we started. It can only get better from now on, don’t you think?”
Kazuya looked at the floor and pushed himself to speak up again and say what he had on his mind. “I, you know… I think… I am glad we could make this together.”
Jin smiled, but didn’t look at Kazuya. “Well, it was obvious we’d make it.”
Not in my case, Kazuya thought, but didn’t say it. He kept quiet, not wanting to let the feeling of being disappointed over that answer taking over.
“But”, Jin said then and leaned in a little closer, “I think I am happy you made it, too.”
Kazuya gave him a grin and nudged Jin’s shoulder. “Too?”
Laughing, the older one walked to the door. “Well, it probably was more obvious in my case than in yours.”
Knowing, Jin was right about it, Kazuya didn’t discuss it; but even so, he gave Jin a competing glance as they were on stage and that day, Kazuya performed with all his might and charm, so that no one would ever say he had no right to be in the spot he’d been in.
If he’d do well, the band would do well and get higher. They’d get more famous and more popular and would make their way up to the top.
Kazuya was so close to it; and sometimes he couldn’t believe how everything had gone so smoothly; how he had made it so far so perfectly.
That was, what he told himself whenever he found that something was missing and that that missing piece was something he wouldn’t ever get.
Because it was inappropriate and selfish to want it; to want Jin.
Things were perfect the way they were and Kazuya had no right to complain.
Until the day, he got a call from Jin early in the morning.
They’d have work later that day, so Kazuya wondered why Jin called, if they’d meet later, anyways. Still, he picked up.
“You know, Jin, I still have more than thirty minutes before I have to leave the house, that means I could spent at least twenty more sleeping. You better have a good reason to call.”
“I’ll be going, Kazuya”, Jin just said and his voice sounded calm.
“What?” Kazuya frowned, as he sat up and opened his eyes. “Where to?”
“L.A. I’ll be leaving to go to L.A.”
Kazuya remained silent and stared at the pure white sheet of his bed, tried to take a grasp of at least one of the thousand thought that were running through his mind.
“I’ve thought about it for so long; I mean we just made it, didn’t we? But the offer is great and I can’t deny it.” Jin’s voice was still so calm and under control. He sounded, as if he was talking about the weather and Kazuya felt, as if he couldn’t breathe anymore.
“You’re going… What, wait”, he finally managed to say. “I mean, why?”
Jin hesitated for a second. “I’ve always wanted to.”
I don’t want you to. Please don’t leave me alone. I need you.
It would have been stupid to say those things. Kazuya had no right to. People only said those things when they were in love and Jin wasn’t in love with him, so Kazuya couldn’t beg him to do those things; to stay.
To not leave him.
“I know”, Kazuya said instead, voice cracking slightly, but he cleared his throat and plastered a smile to his face; knowing Jin couldn’t see it, but would hear. “Well, it’s great then it worked out.”
“Really?” Jin’s voice sounded happy, kind of relieved.
What was that? Did he really call Kazuya for reassurance? To confirm his decision had been right? How was Kazuya supposed to make him believe it had been, when Kazuya himself didn’t believe it was?
“If you really want to do it, then you should follow that wish and do it.”
It sounded like from a script for a cheesy drama, but Jin didn’t seem to notice. He even thanked Kazuya and mumbled a short “See you later then”, before he hang up.
Kazuya remained sitting in his bed and stared at the numbers of his alarm clock.
He had tried to deny it for so long, he had told himself to stop thinking that way, but now he had to admit it to himself.
In a way, he really loved Jin.
And he had worked so hard, had always given his best, had pushed the band forward; only because that would mean he wouldn’t have to leave Jin’s side.
As long as he did well, as long as he was perfect, he would stay were he was, he would always see Jin’s smile and would make him happy.
But he had been wrong about that.
Nothing, Kazuya could ever do would make Jin happy, and if, just in the slightest bit, Kazuya had been perfect, then Jin would have seen him, as well.
If Kazuya had been perfect, then Jin would not have even thought about leaving once.
Saying Goodbye to Jin had been the hardest thing ever for Kazuya, but still, he had done it with a smile.
He never found out if Jin had known it had been so awfully faked, but by the time Jin had come back from America, Kazuya had almost forgotten about that.
Jin most likely hadn’t; after all, Kazuya was a perfect actor.
They had done well without Jin. Nothing had changed; they had been still on top. Kazuya could not have let it take over them that Jin was missing, so he had worked harder than ever before to keep them in the spot they were.
He was praised a lot. For his skills in acting, singing, dancing. For his looks and his manners.
Often, they would tell him he was perfect.
How often was he told by now that he had the perfect personality? That he was the perfect idol?
Kazuya had no scandals, was never spotted doing inappropriate things or with women or doing anything that could harm his career.
Whenever he was told to be perfect, it gave him a stinging pain in his heart.
It didn’t matter anymore.
He was perfect, because he needed to be; not because he wanted to be. Not for anybody, at least.
Accepting Jin back in his life had been even harder than saying Goodbye to him. He had worked so hard to prove to himself that he was able to be without Jin, so seeing him, working with him, looking at Jin’s smile made all the memories come back and he couldn’t handle them at all.
Jin wouldn’t look at him, not even now that he was perfect.
Instead, different from back then, when Kazuya had believed his doing well and getting close to perfect would make Jin happy, it made the older one upset instead.
Jin didn’t smile at him anymore, when he did great, when he succeeded in something or got praised.
Kazuya had gotten ahead of him, and knowing Jin so very well, Kazuya should have known that it wouldn’t make Jin feel happy to see him being that successful.
But, Kazuya told himself, it didn’t matter anymore, since Jin’s smile was not the most important thing on earth anymore.
Kazuya didn’t do this for Jin; he did it for himself.
But it all started to crumble, when Kazuya couldn’t maintain the perfect image anymore. He didn’t do anything different from before, but people expected more, tried desperately to find a mistake, something about him that would make the perfection fall apart.
And they found those things, so there was nothing for Kazuya to do than to fight it back, to smile and tell himself and the whole world, that he was fine.
But he wasn’t.
It bothered him, made him afraid of losing everything and no matter how much he smiled in front of the cameras, he couldn’t convince himself that things were fine.
Koki knew it, and Koki cared.
Kazuya was thankful for that; for him to listen, for him to silently be there and understand Kazuya.
Something had changed and they had become best friends over the time, throughout the years. Koki was always there and would always make Kazuya feel that he wasn’t alone at all.
It helped a lot.
Even so, things didn’t really get better, so Kazuya was trying hard, worked harder than before; too hard.
It drained him, took all his strength and sometimes, he just felt like he wanted to throw everything away; the life he had built up to that point was a life that didn’t satisfy him at all.
It was so very far from perfect.
Sometimes, he forgot about it and things were fine, but then he would remember how it was before, when he had been clumsy and awkward and then, he would smile and think about how he wanted to go back to that time.
To a time when it was enough to just do well, when he didn’t need to be perfect.
A time, when Jin had seen him and smiled at him for being the way he was.
Sitting in their band room one evening, Kazuya couldn’t bring himself to get up and leave. He wanted to just sit there and get lost in his thoughts; forget what was awaiting him the next day and that he messed his life up completely, without actually doing anything.
He looked up, when the door opened and saw Jin coming in, a bottle of water in his hands, his eyes glancing at Kazuya for just a brief moment.
The door closed behind him with a quiet snap-sound and they both remained silent.
Jin started to change out of his clothes and Kazuya didn’t bother to look away. He kept in his spot and watched Jin getting changed.
“You look tired”, Jin noticed, but didn’t even look at him.
“I am”, was all he got as an answer.
He pulled the shirt over his head and turned to Kazuya then. “You know, you’re trying a bit too hard.”
“I’m doing fine.” Kazuya shifted, looked away; feeling uncomfortable under Jin’s eyes.
“You don’t look fine, Kazuya.”
He bit his lip and as he noticed Jin coming over, he turned his head away from him.
“Do you think I wouldn’t notice?” Jin didn’t touch Kazuya at all, he folded his arms in front of his chest and stared at the wall across from them.
“What? That I am working?” Kazuya snorted slightly. “Of course you would.”
“You know, we’ve been going through this ever since the audition. We both passed it, we both made it into this band, we both kept on leading it.” Jin waited for a moment. “You always looked at me like that.”
Now, Kazuya turned his head and looked at Jin. If Jin was to confront him with the crash Kazuya had always had on him, he wouldn’t be able to ever look him into the eyes again. He had always thought it had been his secret; that no one had ever noticed. Kazuya gulped. “Like what?”
“I am actually caring for you”, Jin said, ignoring Kazuya’s question. “I have always cared, didn’t I? I made you come along with the others, I always wanted you to do things with me, tag along; and we did well, didn’t we?”
Looking at his knees, Kazuya nodded. “We once did.”
“I didn’t stop, you know”, Jin said. “I kept looking at you, Kazuya.”
Shutting his eyes, Kazuya shook his head and got up. “Don’t talk about unnecessary things, Jin.” He walked over to the door.
“Did you really think I’ve never noticed?”
It made Kazuya stop, his hand at the handle and he pressed his lips together. “There was nothing to be noticed.”
Jin remained sitting there at the couch and watched Kazuya’s back. “I always saw those looks you gave me and I always knew what you were thinking.”
“You weren’t here, Jin; I couldn’t possibly look at you.”
Jin nodded, and waited, but Kazuya didn’t move and he smiled slightly to himself. Kazuya was so obvious; he had always been.
Something about the younger one was just so very innocent and pure and it had never changed over the years.
“You always looked at me as if I was perfect”, Jin said then, silently.
Kazuya turned his head and looked at Jin, frowned slightly over that statement.
Had he?
“You looked at me like that, even though I was always far from it.”
Instantly, Kazuya shook his head, closed the door and leaned against it. “No, Jin.”
“I surely was and I still am”, the older one said and got up. He walked over to Kazuya and the brunette looked at him with serious eyes. “You’re closer to it, Kazuya; but still, you aren’t, either.”
Kazuya wanted to reply, but he didn’t get to that, since Jin had put his hands to the younger one’s shoulders and leaned in.
He didn’t kiss Kazuya’s lips, as the younger one had expected with a hitching breath. Jin slightly pressed them to his forehead and pulled him into a warm embrace, instead.
“You know, you don’t have to try that hard.”
In confusion, Kazuya blinked a few times, before he realized the situation, processed it in his head.
Jin ran a hand up into the brunette strands and slightly combed through it. “I am so far from perfect and I don’t even try and yet you love me”, he said calmly and Kazuya tensed. “There’s no need to be perfect, you see.”
Kazuya swallowed thickly. This was something he hadn’t expected at all. “Who said I’d love you?”
Jin smiled against Kazuya’s hair and shook his head slightly. “You did. Not with words, though.”
Kazuya decided not to argue. It was useless, however. Instead, he closed his eyes and leaned his head forwards to Jin’s shoulder, letting the older one hold him for a little longer.
Jin let him stay like this for a bit, but then he pulled away and waited until Kazuya looked at him.
“It’s not different for me, Kazuya”, he said then. “You don’t have to try so hard and be perfect.”
His lips found Kazuya’s this time and it was a rather shy kiss; both of them being insecure and reluctant. Kazuya couldn’t hold back a slight sigh, though and Jin pulled him closer, but didn’t rush them into anything.
It was probably far from perfect, but they both didn’t mind, as long as it was only between them.
“Kamenashi-kun, hurry; you’ll be late at the set!”
Kazuya nodded and rushed to the changing room to get his things and leave then. There wasn’t even time to eat and when he thought about it, he actually was hungry, but his schedule was too full to take a break for that.
He’d maybe eat some shortbread in the car, when he’d be on his way to the drama location.
As he arrived there, he still hadn’t eaten and he had spent the time in the car with nothing but learning his script and with talking about his schedule for the next days.
It wouldn’t get any easier on him.
“Okay, cut!”
It was the last scene for the day and Kazuya sighed in content, as he heard it. He stretched and yawned; only wanting to go home and back to bed again.
“Perfect”, someone said and he felt the slight smile spreading over his face.
It was a word he barely used anymore, but sometimes, only for a few occasions it crossed his mind.
When he thought back of that first kiss, he’d never title it as perfect. They had, by now, exchanged kisses that had been much more intimate, much deeper and more affectionate than that one.
Still, it was the one that had remained as the most special one in Kazuya’s memory.
Perfect, was probably only what was between them.
That calm and steady love that connected them and which they never rendered moot.
It was just there; between them and made them both feel secure and happy and thus, they cherished it and accepted it the way it was.
Probably Kazuya wasn’t perfect, and maybe Jin was as far from it, as he had claimed that night. But what was between them, what they had built and the way they maintained it; that surely had something to it, Kazuya dared to call perfection.
He smiled over that thought, as he opened the door to his home and stepped in with a quietly said “I am back”.
No one answered, as usual, and Kazuya dropped his things in the corridor, walking over to his bedroom and falling to the soft mattress with a happy sigh.
He groaned, as his mobile rang and fumbled it out of his pocket, flipping it open to answer the call.
“Hey, I am done for today. What does squid sound like?”
“Great”, Kazuya answered. “If it comes along with you.”
Jin laughed and Kazuya couldn’t stop himself from smiling, as well, as Jin answered: “Perfect.”
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The information about the casting and how they were selected, is what I got from Massu's Shonen Club Premium interview. Asakawa is completely fictional.
Thanks so very much for reading, dear Akame fandom, you guys keep being amazing ♥
EDIT:
I have a request to you guys. I am very thankful for you to always leave me such lovely words in the comments, really. You are the reason I keep on writing, because you keep encouraging me.
But it seems my writing needs lots of improvement, so if you have something that bothers you, if there's something wrong with the paragraph spacing, if you have troubles understanding the structure of the texts, or even if there are mistakes I make you notice over and over again; then I would like you to tell me here.
I think, this didn't get rejected for no reason, so I'd like you guys to be honest with me and help me to improve my writing ♥
Thanks so very much!