Not the Good Kind /// Oneshot /// Part III /// Final
Title: Not The Good Kind
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Romance, Angst, AU
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: He needed a place to stay and it was just for two months. But suddenly, two months can become so very long, intense and straining.
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
It's the ending :D
I added a bit and suddenly... it turned out to be really long O_o
Whatever... I hope you'll like it ♥
Enjoy the read :D
Continues from HERE
Jin believed in that, in the logic he had built for himself.
Kazuya wasn’t someone to fall in love with. It wasn’t anymore about the fact that Kazuya was a man - that fact did play a role for Jin, as he had never before looked at any man like that - but Kazuya was not the type of person Jin would ever develop deeper feelings for.
Kazuya was someone to fool around with, to spend a good time together and have something very unforced, sharing an enjoyable time, before they would part with a smile and forget each other, as they moved on to the next.
Reality, however, did look different from what he wanted and pretended.
In reality, Jin realised, as Kazuya came home and walked into his room and unconsciously ran his hand over Jin’s arm, there were a whole lot of unspoken words.
Words that he didn’t dare to say, but probably didn’t even have to say, as his actions gave him away in so many ways.
“What are you doing?”, Kazuya asked and sat down on Jin’s bed, looking through the room, at Jin’s things spread all over it.
“Packing”, Jin simply said.
“Why would you...” Kazuya trailed off and raised his look to Jin’s face. “You’re already moving out?”
“I said two months, didn’t I?” Jin shrugged. He ignored the look on Kazuya’s face. “I can move into my new flat tomorrow morning. I meet the landlord at ten.”
For a moment, Kazuya kept quiet, then he got up and gave Jin one of his carefree smiles. “I’ll make dinner for you. Since it’s a last time.”
Jin just nodded and went on packing his stuff. It wasn’t much, so he was done soon and helped out in the kitchen.
Kazuya laughed at the way Jin cut the carrots and came over to stand next to him. As Kazuya showed him how to move the knife properly, Jin noticed their hips touched and when Kazuya took Jin’s hand and guided it with the right movements, Jin looked at his face.
“Jin, look at your hand”, Kazuya just said, as he noticed.
Jin woke from his trance and watched their hands, the way Kazuya used Jin’s to cut the carrots.
“I get it”, Jin murmured.
Kazuya smiled and leaned in, catching Jin’s earlobe between his teeth and gently tugged it. “Concentrate on this. You’ll get some special treatment later”, he added then.
Jin flashed him a glance, but didn’t say a word.
They had dinner in the living room, watching TV together and Jin didn’t even notice that Kazuya shifted closer and just as Kazuya was snuggled up against his side and his head rested against Jin’s chest, he actually realised their positions.
It was okay. It didn’t mean anything, after all, they fell asleep each night like that, too and it didn’t have a meaning.
In reality, Jin thought and didn’t even notice what was airing on TV, Kazuya played with his fingers and laced his own with Jin’s; nuzzled his face against Jin’s neck and kissed his skin, without wanting to seduce Jin with it. It was only meant as what it was; as proof of affection.
And Jin let it happen, Jin returned it, moved his fingers against Kazuya’s, answered those kisses to his neck with gentle pecks to Kazuya’s temple and hair.
They fell asleep like that and when Jin woke up again, it was almost four in the morning. He gently ran his fingers over Kazuya’s face, before he shook his shoulder and woke him.
Kazuya yawned, as he got up and in Jin’s room, he wound his arms around him from behind and pressed a kiss to Jin’s nape. “I still have that special treatment for you.”
Jin smiled and took Kazuya’s hands, turned in his embrace.
“Let’s just go back to sleep”, he said and waited for Kazuya’s reaction.
Jin couldn’t tell what the look meant. It was irritated and slightly puzzled, but Kazuya definitely wasn’t mad.
For a second, Jin panicked as Kazuya leaned in, but his lips just gently brushed Jin’s cheek, before he drew away and got undressed.
They only shared a bed, because they had sex, Jin convinced himself. There was no meaning in sending Kazuya to the other room, after they had slept with each other. It was just natural to stay in the same bed, sleep next to each other, too.
This night, they didn’t have sex.
In reality, Jin realised, as he woke up on the morning he would move to his new flat; in reality, he held Kazuya in his sleep.
When awake, he would say that between him and Kazuya there was only a physical attraction and that he only enjoyed the other’s company and the sex they had.
When he was asleep, he spoke another language.
As he opened his eyes, he found Kazuya staring at him and realising that Kazuya had woken up before him and yet had not moved out of Jin’s embrace, left a bitter aftertaste.
It was just a month, Jin reminded himself once again; he had actually been involved with Kazuya for only a month.
Jin looked at Kazuya’s eyes and wondered how he could have thought his first impression had been wrong. After all, those eyes were still as mesmerizing and enchanting as he had labelled them the very first day.
Jin lowered his look to Kazuya’s lips, raised his hand and ran his fingers over the warm, red flesh; just a gentle and brief touch, a feather-light brush.
Kazuya took a trembling breath, but didn’t move. Jin knew Kazuya had understood from the very first moment that he had to adjust to Jin’s pace and he admired how Kazuya kept it up until the end.
Even now, he left every decision to Jin.
With one last look at Kazuya’s eyes, Jin tenderly ran his thumb over Kazuya’s bottom lip, before he broke the eye-contact and drew away.
“I have to be at my flat in an hour”, he said calmly.
Kazuya nodded and got up, too, leaving the room without a word.
They had breakfast together and the usual small talk. Jin would go to classes later and Kazuya had work until late.
Everything was as usual, except for the fact that Jin wouldn’t come back that night.
“So, well”, Jin said, as he stood at the door later, ready to leave. “Thanks again.”
Kazuya grinned. “How inconvenient”, he complained. “I’ll actually have to go out again to pick up a nice toy for the night from now on.”
Jin rolled his eyes. “You got along well, before I moved in, too. It never was a problem for you to pick anyone up, was it?”
Kazuya stepped closer and gave Jin a wink. “They’re never that cute and innocent as you are.” Jin blushed at that and Kazuya laughed, running a hand through Jin’s hair. “Come visit me anytime.”
Jin wished he could tell him that he couldn’t. That was too dangerous; he had to put a clear end now, a definite cut of what was between them.
Instead of saying anything, Jin just smiled. “Sure”, he lied and raised his hand to run it over Kazuya’s cheek, settled it in his nape.
Kazuya looked up at him, leaned closer and left his hand in Jin’s hair, gripped the dark strands.
Jin knew he was lost in that moment. He had no way back, no chance to avoid what was coming.
He had to do it, he couldn’t just turn and leave.
Kazuya opened his lips, stared at Jin, holding his breath, while he leaned closer, against Jin. Their lips were not even an inch apart, softly touching and as Jin moved, brushed Kazuya’s upper lip with his bottom lip, they both closed their eyes and took a last shaky breath.
Then, they shut out everything and sank into each other.
Kazuya let Jin take control of it, let Jin lead the kiss and returned only as much as Jin gave. Jin nipped at his bottom lip, tilted his head and slowly brushed his lips against Kazuya’s again, repeated the movement.
Jin took his time, moved his hands up to cup Kazuya’s face, then he tugged with his teeth, before he licked. He got a sigh, a very faint sigh as an answer, but it was enough to drive him further. In the same slow pace and gentleness, he deepened the kiss, explored as he aroused, took as much as he gave.
For once, Kazuya didn’t take advantage of the situation; his hands were at Jin’s side, becoming limp with every second fading and he didn’t try to turn the kiss into anything seductive for a single moment; he just took what Jin laid into it and returned it with just as much feeling.
Jin’s hands slowly fell from Kazuya’s face, his fingers uncurled from around his jaw and he drew them tenderly over Kazuya’s neck to his shoulders. While Jin took in every taste of Kazuya, he traced his fingers down his arms and to his hands and laced his fingers with Kazuya’s.
That, he realised as Kazuya closed his fingers over Jin’s was a gesture of pure affection; more than anything that had ever happened between them. More than the kiss they now shared - even though it was the most perfect kiss Jin had ever had.
He drew back and let the kiss spin out, let it end in gentle nips and pecks, before he took a step back and finally opened his eyes.
Jin almost expected Kazuya to make any kinky or sarcastic remark, but it didn’t come. Instead, Kazuya just looked at him with eyes Jin couldn’t read, although he saw a dozen of feelings spread across that face.
Without another word, Jin turned and took his bag, his guitar case and walked off, not turning once more.
Only, when he reached the front door of the building, when he stepped outside and was blinded by a bright morning sun, he slowed down and felt his hands shaking.
It felt like running away. And Jin wasn’t sure what exactly he ran away from, because it had been a blissful experience and for a short, bright moment he had wanted to believe in perfection.
Without a doubt, that had been the most perfect kiss in his life.
Everything gone according to Jin’s plan.
He had moved out of Kazuya’s flat and from that point on, he hadn’t heard of him. Ryo sometimes said Kazuya had said his greetings and Jin always told Ryo to say some back, but they never had direct contact.
It had been three weeks and just as Jin had predicted, what had been between him and Kazuya was nothing but a small adventure in his memory. An exciting trip for Jin, which he wouldn’t ever repeat.
By now, he went out at night again to meet up with friends, instead of hurrying home because he had wanted to be with Kazuya.
Jin was free and had no boundaries; he could do whatever he wanted, without thinking of how Kazuya would feel about it. He had his freedom back.
Tonight, he was in a club with some friends of his, drinking and dancing. It was weekend, so they could stay as long as they wanted and Jin enjoyed how he got the attention a several girls.
He was finally back to normal.
“When are we invited to your new flat”, Yamashita asked, as he brought a new round of drinks.
Jin shrugged. “It’s not completely done, but why don’t you guys come next weekend?”
“Are we going to meet your new girlfriend then?”
Jin choked on his drink and coughed. “What?”
Yamashita, who was in most of Jin’s classes, grinned. “We’re not dense, are we?” He got agreeing nods from the other guys. “You obviously have a new girlfriend.”
Jin blinked his eyes. “How do you get that idea?”
“You’ve been rejecting to go out after classes for almost two months now”, his friend explained and Jin had troubles hearing it over the loud music. “You couldn’t wait to get home.”
“I don’t have any new... girlfriend”, Jin said and took another sip of his drink.
“You just sat in classes, absently staring out the window and grinning to yourself, because you’re not in love?” Yamashita gave him a mocking grin.
“In love”, Jin repeated quietly. People misjudged his behaviour for love. Okay, he had not been in the mood to go out for the first few weeks, after he had moved out of Kazuya’s.
But that wasn’t because he had missed Kazuya. He had just been busy.
“I really don’t know what you’re talking about”, Jin said and quickly changed the topic.
It was almost dawn, when they finally decided to leave and Jin had not gotten back to his good mood for the whole night after that conversation.
To think that others thought he was in love scared him. The fact that he might had missed a few points, that he was probably in love and had not noticed that much himself - he had never been that scared.
They were about to leave, when Jin felt someone take his hand and he didn’t have to turn and look to know who it was.
Those fingers that just so perfectly fitted between his own, those fingers he had felt on ever part of his body, those fingers he had wanted to feel so badly again.
Jin only realised in that moment - how much he had missed Kazuya’s touch.
Even though, Jin didn’t turn.
“I’ve been watching you for a while”, Kazuya said, as he leaned close to Jin’s ear.
Jin still didn’t move.
“Do you really want to go home all alone?”
His heart beat sped up and his breath got caught in his throat, as Kazuya’s other hand came around Jin’s waist, pulling him closer. Kazuya smelled so nice. Even through the heavy smell of smoke and sweat and alcohol around them, Jin could recognise it and he just missed Kazuya more.
Kazuya’s lips touched the skin beneath Jin’s ear. “Why don’t you take me with you?”
He couldn’t. Jin panicked, as every single fibre of his system screamed Yes and wanted to take Kazuya to a hidden corner and kiss him and touch every part Jin’s hands could reach.
Instead, he slowly turned and as Kazuya smiled at him, he knew he was an idiot for believing for just a single second he had not developed any feelings for the other man.
That smile he had dreamt of so many nights, so perfect and vibrant, so mesmerizing and enchanting - it faced him right now and was meant for only Jin.
“Sorry”, he managed to get out. “If you think I was still interested...” Jin trailed off, took a step back and made Kazuya take his hands off of him. “We had fun that time, but it was really just meant for that time.”
Kazuya stared at him and Jin didn’t even care to let him speak up or say something. He was afraid it would only hold him back.
He had to get away; get away from Kazuya.
As he reached the exit of the club, Yamashita gave him an interested look. “I’m not quite sure if I should tell you”, he said and held the door for Jin, as they left together, “but you just got hit on from a guy.”
Jin went ahead, tried to get away from that place as quickly as possible. “I know.”
Yamashita caught up on him. “Why did it take you so long to get rid off him?”
For a moment, Jin couldn’t answer. He didn’t want to say it, didn’t want to think about that. Then, as he answered, he knew it was the truth, the only reason why he could not have gotten rid of Kazuya in the first place.
“There was just something about his face that got me so hooked.”
One week later, Jin was a mess.
He had tried to forget about it, but he knew he was lost. There was no way he could get out of it, no way he could simply forget about Kazuya again.
It was not about the sex, not about any physical attraction. It was about Kazuya and the way he had looked at Jin that night.
The only way Jin had left was to wait for time to make him forget about it, make him forget that he had fallen in love and had messed it all up, just because he couldn’t admit to be in love with a guy.
He would just live on and find someone else and things would return to normal and he would forget about Kazuya.
By now, his flat was complete and he had invited a few friends over to a party. It had been a few he had invited, but by now, it had turned into almost twenty people.
Jin didn’t actually know how that had happened. But he didn’t mind that much, so he opened the door with an amused smile, as it once again rang.
“You’re late, Ryo”, he said and stepped aside to let his friend in.
“I brought a friend. Hope that’s okay?”
Jin shrugged. “Sure. Everyone brought a friend. It doesn’t really matter.” When he saw, who followed Ryo inside, however, Jin decided that probably, it did matter, after all.
“Hey, pretty”, Kazuya greeted him and held a bottle of Champaign out for Jin. “Nice flat.”
“You haven’t seen all of it yet”, Jin just answered in a quiet voice.
Kazuya stepped closer and winked, as Jin remembered it just too well. “I’m sure I’ll get to see all important spots.”
That was Kazuya how Jin had gotten to know him. Kazuya, just how he had always been.
It didn’t look like he was in any way sad or hurt.
Jin let them go to the living room, where his other friends were and went to the kitchen to get more crisps and beer.
When he came back, Kazuya had won over several people already. Even though they were all strangers to him, he didn’t have problems to attract them, at all.
Jin turned away and decided to concentrate on other people instead. It wasn’t any of his business what Kazuya did.
That worked quite well for most of the night. But as it got later and more and more people left, Jin didn’t have much of a chance, but to pay attention to Kazuya again.
On the reverse side, however, Kazuya could pretty much pretend Jin wasn’t in the room. Or anyone else, for that matter.
He had found a victim and Jin watched him seducing the poor boy, making him fall for Kazuya. It was just the same he had done it with Jin.
All just the same.
When Kazuya left the room and pulled that guy with him, Jin knew he couldn’t ignore it any longer. It was too much, it was not going to happen like this in his, Jin’s, flat.
“Kazuya”, he said, when he came out of the living room and into the kitchen.
Kazuya gave him an asking look, his body way too close to that other man’s. “What is it?”
Jin rolled his eyes and stepped closer, pulling the friend of his away from Kazuya. “Would you leave us alone for a moment?”
His friend nodded and just walked out without a word of protest.
“Great”, Kazuya murmured. “It just got interesting.”
“You’re not going to do that in my flat and not with any of my friends.”
Kazuya lifted a brow. “I don’t think it’s any of your business.”
“My flat”, Jin repeated. “My friends.”
“Sorry, I didn’t know you wanted to get him laid, too.” Kazuya made an apologetic gesture.
Jin wanted to snap at him, but remembered the others could probably hear them, so he grabbed Kazuya’s arm instead and pulled him out of the kitchen, over the floor and into his bed room.
Kazuya didn’t look impressed at all, he just crossed his arms and checked the room with a look around. “I said I’d get to see all important spots.”
“Shut up”, Jin said and turned to Kazuya, after he had closed the door. “What’s gotten into you?”
“I’m not any different than normal, am I?”
“What’s that slutty attitude?”
Kazuya shrugged. “I wouldn’t call it slutty. That’s how I’ve always been, Jin.”
“Not when...” Jin stopped, fell silent.
“When I was with you?” Kazuya had a small laugh for that, as he sat down on the edge of Jin’s bed. “You know, people tend to say I’m an asshole.”
Jin wasn’t sure where Kazuya was going with that, so he just frowned.
“I may be.” Kazuya shrugged. “But I’m not as much of an asshole as you are.”
Jin’s jaw dropped.
“I make clear from the beginning it’s just about sex and that’s it’s nothing more for me.”
“What the...?” Jin couldn’t find words.
“I don’t pretend deeper feelings were involved or that I’d actually feel more than just a simple attraction.” Kazuya looked up at Jin. “I’m not playing with their feelings.”
“You say I played with your feelings?” Jin could not have been any more horrified.
Kazuya smiled bitterly. “You didn’t just have sex with me. You let me sleep in your bed and you actually took me in your arms afterwards.”
Jin’s first instinct was to say “That’s normal”, but he realised that for someone like Kazuya, it wasn’t.
“You had that way of looking at me, you cared to listen to me”, Kazuya explained further. “You pretended to have fallen in love, pretended to like me.”
Jin wanted to tell him that he had not had to pretend that; that he had actually liked Kazuya, but no word left his lips.
“And”, Kazuya added and looked at Jin directly, “you made it seem as though a kiss was really special, as though a kiss would mean the world.”
It did, Jin thought. It meant so much more than every touch and every intimate word they had exchanged, when they had had sex. That kiss had been precious.
“You kissed me like that, turned everything upside down and then you just walked out on me and forgot about everything.”
“I didn’t think”, Jin said, after a moment, “that you’d be able to be serious about it.”
“Well”, Kazuya said in a bitter tone and got up. “Think again.”
“Kazuya”, Jin said calmly and moved to the door, blocking his way.
“No, really. I had enough. I’m going home.” Kazuya didn’t even touch Jin, as he sneaked past him and opened the door. “And I’m taking that guy with me.”
Jin stayed and just stared, trying to process what he had just heard.
Had Kazuya fallen in love with him? Had Kazuya - the one who took home different men each night and was so loose and carefree - really fallen in love with Jin?
He couldn’t, Jin thought and ran his hands through his hair, letting go of his breath. He couldn’t fall in love, just because he had gotten some affection of Jin, some affectionate gestures, when everything between them had just been about sex.
Jin slowly turned and returned to his living room, trying to act like everything was normal.
Ryo gave him a curious look, when he came in. “Kame just kidnapped that one guy from your music history class”, he said.
Jin forced a smile. “Sounds like him. A new toy for tonight.”
Ryo blinked. “I thought he was over that, when you guys started dating.”
Jin could only stare at him. Suddenly, it had gotten quiet in the room and those people, who were still there, listened interested.
“I mean, you told me he was like that, but I got the feeling that after he got together with you, he stopped seeing other men.” Ryo frowned.
Jin cleared his throat, tried to ignore the stares. “We never got together.”
“But you slept with him, didn’t you?”
“Could we not talk about that here?” Jin lowered his voice.
Ryo shrugged. “We don’t have to talk about it, at all. Apparently you’re over, anyways.”
Jin felt relief washing over him at those words, but that only lasted a few seconds, before realisation hit him and he turned and left the room.
“Where are you going?” Ryo followed him and watched Jin getting into his shoes.
“Leave the door open, when you guys leave”, Jin just said. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“Jin...”
“We’re not over, Ryo”, he said and turned again. “And he’ll better understand that, too.”
With that, Jin left and ran down the stairs and all the way to the station. It didn’t take long to Kazuya’s flat, so courage hadn’t left Jin, as he arrived there.
He had lived there for long enough to know Kazuya’s behaviours. When he was home, he wouldn’t lock the door, so Jin wasn’t surprised to find it open. He opened it quietly and sneaked in. Kazuya’s shoes weren’t there and he frowned, but still made his way in.
It was quiet.
There was no light in any of the rooms and Jin frowned slightly, before he walked over to the living room and to the door to Kazuya’s bed room.
He found it empty and Jin wanted to curse, because Kazuya had apparently taken his prey for the night somewhere else.
He stood in the door from to Kazuya’s room, realising he saw it for the very first time. They had spent every night in Jin’s room, had always slept in Jin’s bed and he realised that it probably had a meaning.
Kazuya had never allured him into his bed, he had left it to Jin, the decision whether they should sleep together - and that didn’t just include the sex.
Jin leaned against it and sighed, looked at Kazuya’s bed, which was neatly made and wondered how he could have imagined it just like this, how it could fit Kazuya just so perfectly.
A huge shelf with books across from Kazuya’s bed reminded him how Kazuya had told him about his favourite author, how he got hooked up with those stories and sometimes spent whole night reading, because he just couldn’t stop, before it was ended.
He had not lied, everything he had told Jin had been the truth. Kazuya had been honest from the very beginning.
Jin turned and wanted to leave again. He couldn’t say why, but he just felt like he had to turn once more and take just a single look at the guest room. It probably was the only place in the world he had ever felt completely at ease in, so he just wanted to have a last look.
When he quietly opened the door, he hesitated for a second, but then stopped and just stared at the bed.
From the living room, light fell onto it and highlighted the figure sitting on the bed.
“I thought you would leave again without coming in here”, Kazuya said quietly.
Jin stayed in his spot. “Why are you here all alone?”
“I didn’t feel like sleeping with that guy after all.”
Nodding, Jin kept his response to himself.
“What are you doing here?” Kazuya looked up, shifted to sit on the edge of the bed.
Jin shrugged. “I wanted to keep you from sleeping with him.”
“He suddenly seemed a little scared of me.”
Jin smiled. “Did you try to make me jealous?”
With a shrug, Kazuya fixed his eyes on a spot at the wall. “I just did what I always do.”
“It’ll make me go insane”, Jin commented.
Kazuya turned his eyes onto him. “What?”
“Your flirty attitude.”
“I guess it’s not much of your problem.”
Jin shook his head. “I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to go after every guy he comes across.”
Kazuya stared at him for a moment, then he lowered his head, as a foolish smile spread across his features. “I’m not going after every guy I come across.”
Jin just lifted a brow.
Kazuya grinned at Jin. “Only the really hot ones.”
Jin laughed slightly, before he walked into the room and over to the bed. He framed Kazuya’s face and looked into his eyes, while he ran his thumbs over his cheeks and leaned in, putting a knee between Kazuya’s legs onto the bed.
He leaned in and kissed Kazuya, stronger and deeper than he had before. Everything he wanted to say lay in that kiss and he could only hope Kazuya would understand.
As he pulled back, his lips swollen and wet, his breath heaving, he saw that Kazuya did; only by the way the other one returned the look, smiled at Jin.
It suddenly seemed not that much of a problem anymore. That Kazuya was a guy, that Jin had never felt like that before, that Kazuya had that attitude.
He reached out his hand and took Kazuya’s, laced their fingers and he knew it was the right thing to do, when he saw the expression in Kazuya’s face, that smile he had fallen in love with.
Jin pulled him in and kissed him, kissed him the way, he had kissed Kazuya before and yet, this time it felt different.
This time it was not just the right thing to do; this time, it didn’t mean farewell, but a beginning.
“I knew I’d make you fall in love with me, when you stood in front of my door with your guitar and that shy look”, Kazuya commented in his usual mocking tone. “You didn’t have a single chance.”
Jin smiled and he couldn’t object to that. He’d lie, if he did. So, he just pushed Kazuya back to the bed and robbed another kiss from him.
Kazuya was just not the good kind.
But that didn’t mean he wasn’t the right kind for Jin.
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Thanks so very much for reading and taking your time. I really hope you enjoyed it :) ♥
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Romance, Angst, AU
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: He needed a place to stay and it was just for two months. But suddenly, two months can become so very long, intense and straining.
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
It's the ending :D
I added a bit and suddenly... it turned out to be really long O_o
Whatever... I hope you'll like it ♥
Enjoy the read :D
Continues from HERE
Jin believed in that, in the logic he had built for himself.
Kazuya wasn’t someone to fall in love with. It wasn’t anymore about the fact that Kazuya was a man - that fact did play a role for Jin, as he had never before looked at any man like that - but Kazuya was not the type of person Jin would ever develop deeper feelings for.
Kazuya was someone to fool around with, to spend a good time together and have something very unforced, sharing an enjoyable time, before they would part with a smile and forget each other, as they moved on to the next.
Reality, however, did look different from what he wanted and pretended.
In reality, Jin realised, as Kazuya came home and walked into his room and unconsciously ran his hand over Jin’s arm, there were a whole lot of unspoken words.
Words that he didn’t dare to say, but probably didn’t even have to say, as his actions gave him away in so many ways.
“What are you doing?”, Kazuya asked and sat down on Jin’s bed, looking through the room, at Jin’s things spread all over it.
“Packing”, Jin simply said.
“Why would you...” Kazuya trailed off and raised his look to Jin’s face. “You’re already moving out?”
“I said two months, didn’t I?” Jin shrugged. He ignored the look on Kazuya’s face. “I can move into my new flat tomorrow morning. I meet the landlord at ten.”
For a moment, Kazuya kept quiet, then he got up and gave Jin one of his carefree smiles. “I’ll make dinner for you. Since it’s a last time.”
Jin just nodded and went on packing his stuff. It wasn’t much, so he was done soon and helped out in the kitchen.
Kazuya laughed at the way Jin cut the carrots and came over to stand next to him. As Kazuya showed him how to move the knife properly, Jin noticed their hips touched and when Kazuya took Jin’s hand and guided it with the right movements, Jin looked at his face.
“Jin, look at your hand”, Kazuya just said, as he noticed.
Jin woke from his trance and watched their hands, the way Kazuya used Jin’s to cut the carrots.
“I get it”, Jin murmured.
Kazuya smiled and leaned in, catching Jin’s earlobe between his teeth and gently tugged it. “Concentrate on this. You’ll get some special treatment later”, he added then.
Jin flashed him a glance, but didn’t say a word.
They had dinner in the living room, watching TV together and Jin didn’t even notice that Kazuya shifted closer and just as Kazuya was snuggled up against his side and his head rested against Jin’s chest, he actually realised their positions.
It was okay. It didn’t mean anything, after all, they fell asleep each night like that, too and it didn’t have a meaning.
In reality, Jin thought and didn’t even notice what was airing on TV, Kazuya played with his fingers and laced his own with Jin’s; nuzzled his face against Jin’s neck and kissed his skin, without wanting to seduce Jin with it. It was only meant as what it was; as proof of affection.
And Jin let it happen, Jin returned it, moved his fingers against Kazuya’s, answered those kisses to his neck with gentle pecks to Kazuya’s temple and hair.
They fell asleep like that and when Jin woke up again, it was almost four in the morning. He gently ran his fingers over Kazuya’s face, before he shook his shoulder and woke him.
Kazuya yawned, as he got up and in Jin’s room, he wound his arms around him from behind and pressed a kiss to Jin’s nape. “I still have that special treatment for you.”
Jin smiled and took Kazuya’s hands, turned in his embrace.
“Let’s just go back to sleep”, he said and waited for Kazuya’s reaction.
Jin couldn’t tell what the look meant. It was irritated and slightly puzzled, but Kazuya definitely wasn’t mad.
For a second, Jin panicked as Kazuya leaned in, but his lips just gently brushed Jin’s cheek, before he drew away and got undressed.
They only shared a bed, because they had sex, Jin convinced himself. There was no meaning in sending Kazuya to the other room, after they had slept with each other. It was just natural to stay in the same bed, sleep next to each other, too.
This night, they didn’t have sex.
In reality, Jin realised, as he woke up on the morning he would move to his new flat; in reality, he held Kazuya in his sleep.
When awake, he would say that between him and Kazuya there was only a physical attraction and that he only enjoyed the other’s company and the sex they had.
When he was asleep, he spoke another language.
As he opened his eyes, he found Kazuya staring at him and realising that Kazuya had woken up before him and yet had not moved out of Jin’s embrace, left a bitter aftertaste.
It was just a month, Jin reminded himself once again; he had actually been involved with Kazuya for only a month.
Jin looked at Kazuya’s eyes and wondered how he could have thought his first impression had been wrong. After all, those eyes were still as mesmerizing and enchanting as he had labelled them the very first day.
Jin lowered his look to Kazuya’s lips, raised his hand and ran his fingers over the warm, red flesh; just a gentle and brief touch, a feather-light brush.
Kazuya took a trembling breath, but didn’t move. Jin knew Kazuya had understood from the very first moment that he had to adjust to Jin’s pace and he admired how Kazuya kept it up until the end.
Even now, he left every decision to Jin.
With one last look at Kazuya’s eyes, Jin tenderly ran his thumb over Kazuya’s bottom lip, before he broke the eye-contact and drew away.
“I have to be at my flat in an hour”, he said calmly.
Kazuya nodded and got up, too, leaving the room without a word.
They had breakfast together and the usual small talk. Jin would go to classes later and Kazuya had work until late.
Everything was as usual, except for the fact that Jin wouldn’t come back that night.
“So, well”, Jin said, as he stood at the door later, ready to leave. “Thanks again.”
Kazuya grinned. “How inconvenient”, he complained. “I’ll actually have to go out again to pick up a nice toy for the night from now on.”
Jin rolled his eyes. “You got along well, before I moved in, too. It never was a problem for you to pick anyone up, was it?”
Kazuya stepped closer and gave Jin a wink. “They’re never that cute and innocent as you are.” Jin blushed at that and Kazuya laughed, running a hand through Jin’s hair. “Come visit me anytime.”
Jin wished he could tell him that he couldn’t. That was too dangerous; he had to put a clear end now, a definite cut of what was between them.
Instead of saying anything, Jin just smiled. “Sure”, he lied and raised his hand to run it over Kazuya’s cheek, settled it in his nape.
Kazuya looked up at him, leaned closer and left his hand in Jin’s hair, gripped the dark strands.
Jin knew he was lost in that moment. He had no way back, no chance to avoid what was coming.
He had to do it, he couldn’t just turn and leave.
Kazuya opened his lips, stared at Jin, holding his breath, while he leaned closer, against Jin. Their lips were not even an inch apart, softly touching and as Jin moved, brushed Kazuya’s upper lip with his bottom lip, they both closed their eyes and took a last shaky breath.
Then, they shut out everything and sank into each other.
Kazuya let Jin take control of it, let Jin lead the kiss and returned only as much as Jin gave. Jin nipped at his bottom lip, tilted his head and slowly brushed his lips against Kazuya’s again, repeated the movement.
Jin took his time, moved his hands up to cup Kazuya’s face, then he tugged with his teeth, before he licked. He got a sigh, a very faint sigh as an answer, but it was enough to drive him further. In the same slow pace and gentleness, he deepened the kiss, explored as he aroused, took as much as he gave.
For once, Kazuya didn’t take advantage of the situation; his hands were at Jin’s side, becoming limp with every second fading and he didn’t try to turn the kiss into anything seductive for a single moment; he just took what Jin laid into it and returned it with just as much feeling.
Jin’s hands slowly fell from Kazuya’s face, his fingers uncurled from around his jaw and he drew them tenderly over Kazuya’s neck to his shoulders. While Jin took in every taste of Kazuya, he traced his fingers down his arms and to his hands and laced his fingers with Kazuya’s.
That, he realised as Kazuya closed his fingers over Jin’s was a gesture of pure affection; more than anything that had ever happened between them. More than the kiss they now shared - even though it was the most perfect kiss Jin had ever had.
He drew back and let the kiss spin out, let it end in gentle nips and pecks, before he took a step back and finally opened his eyes.
Jin almost expected Kazuya to make any kinky or sarcastic remark, but it didn’t come. Instead, Kazuya just looked at him with eyes Jin couldn’t read, although he saw a dozen of feelings spread across that face.
Without another word, Jin turned and took his bag, his guitar case and walked off, not turning once more.
Only, when he reached the front door of the building, when he stepped outside and was blinded by a bright morning sun, he slowed down and felt his hands shaking.
It felt like running away. And Jin wasn’t sure what exactly he ran away from, because it had been a blissful experience and for a short, bright moment he had wanted to believe in perfection.
Without a doubt, that had been the most perfect kiss in his life.
Everything gone according to Jin’s plan.
He had moved out of Kazuya’s flat and from that point on, he hadn’t heard of him. Ryo sometimes said Kazuya had said his greetings and Jin always told Ryo to say some back, but they never had direct contact.
It had been three weeks and just as Jin had predicted, what had been between him and Kazuya was nothing but a small adventure in his memory. An exciting trip for Jin, which he wouldn’t ever repeat.
By now, he went out at night again to meet up with friends, instead of hurrying home because he had wanted to be with Kazuya.
Jin was free and had no boundaries; he could do whatever he wanted, without thinking of how Kazuya would feel about it. He had his freedom back.
Tonight, he was in a club with some friends of his, drinking and dancing. It was weekend, so they could stay as long as they wanted and Jin enjoyed how he got the attention a several girls.
He was finally back to normal.
“When are we invited to your new flat”, Yamashita asked, as he brought a new round of drinks.
Jin shrugged. “It’s not completely done, but why don’t you guys come next weekend?”
“Are we going to meet your new girlfriend then?”
Jin choked on his drink and coughed. “What?”
Yamashita, who was in most of Jin’s classes, grinned. “We’re not dense, are we?” He got agreeing nods from the other guys. “You obviously have a new girlfriend.”
Jin blinked his eyes. “How do you get that idea?”
“You’ve been rejecting to go out after classes for almost two months now”, his friend explained and Jin had troubles hearing it over the loud music. “You couldn’t wait to get home.”
“I don’t have any new... girlfriend”, Jin said and took another sip of his drink.
“You just sat in classes, absently staring out the window and grinning to yourself, because you’re not in love?” Yamashita gave him a mocking grin.
“In love”, Jin repeated quietly. People misjudged his behaviour for love. Okay, he had not been in the mood to go out for the first few weeks, after he had moved out of Kazuya’s.
But that wasn’t because he had missed Kazuya. He had just been busy.
“I really don’t know what you’re talking about”, Jin said and quickly changed the topic.
It was almost dawn, when they finally decided to leave and Jin had not gotten back to his good mood for the whole night after that conversation.
To think that others thought he was in love scared him. The fact that he might had missed a few points, that he was probably in love and had not noticed that much himself - he had never been that scared.
They were about to leave, when Jin felt someone take his hand and he didn’t have to turn and look to know who it was.
Those fingers that just so perfectly fitted between his own, those fingers he had felt on ever part of his body, those fingers he had wanted to feel so badly again.
Jin only realised in that moment - how much he had missed Kazuya’s touch.
Even though, Jin didn’t turn.
“I’ve been watching you for a while”, Kazuya said, as he leaned close to Jin’s ear.
Jin still didn’t move.
“Do you really want to go home all alone?”
His heart beat sped up and his breath got caught in his throat, as Kazuya’s other hand came around Jin’s waist, pulling him closer. Kazuya smelled so nice. Even through the heavy smell of smoke and sweat and alcohol around them, Jin could recognise it and he just missed Kazuya more.
Kazuya’s lips touched the skin beneath Jin’s ear. “Why don’t you take me with you?”
He couldn’t. Jin panicked, as every single fibre of his system screamed Yes and wanted to take Kazuya to a hidden corner and kiss him and touch every part Jin’s hands could reach.
Instead, he slowly turned and as Kazuya smiled at him, he knew he was an idiot for believing for just a single second he had not developed any feelings for the other man.
That smile he had dreamt of so many nights, so perfect and vibrant, so mesmerizing and enchanting - it faced him right now and was meant for only Jin.
“Sorry”, he managed to get out. “If you think I was still interested...” Jin trailed off, took a step back and made Kazuya take his hands off of him. “We had fun that time, but it was really just meant for that time.”
Kazuya stared at him and Jin didn’t even care to let him speak up or say something. He was afraid it would only hold him back.
He had to get away; get away from Kazuya.
As he reached the exit of the club, Yamashita gave him an interested look. “I’m not quite sure if I should tell you”, he said and held the door for Jin, as they left together, “but you just got hit on from a guy.”
Jin went ahead, tried to get away from that place as quickly as possible. “I know.”
Yamashita caught up on him. “Why did it take you so long to get rid off him?”
For a moment, Jin couldn’t answer. He didn’t want to say it, didn’t want to think about that. Then, as he answered, he knew it was the truth, the only reason why he could not have gotten rid of Kazuya in the first place.
“There was just something about his face that got me so hooked.”
One week later, Jin was a mess.
He had tried to forget about it, but he knew he was lost. There was no way he could get out of it, no way he could simply forget about Kazuya again.
It was not about the sex, not about any physical attraction. It was about Kazuya and the way he had looked at Jin that night.
The only way Jin had left was to wait for time to make him forget about it, make him forget that he had fallen in love and had messed it all up, just because he couldn’t admit to be in love with a guy.
He would just live on and find someone else and things would return to normal and he would forget about Kazuya.
By now, his flat was complete and he had invited a few friends over to a party. It had been a few he had invited, but by now, it had turned into almost twenty people.
Jin didn’t actually know how that had happened. But he didn’t mind that much, so he opened the door with an amused smile, as it once again rang.
“You’re late, Ryo”, he said and stepped aside to let his friend in.
“I brought a friend. Hope that’s okay?”
Jin shrugged. “Sure. Everyone brought a friend. It doesn’t really matter.” When he saw, who followed Ryo inside, however, Jin decided that probably, it did matter, after all.
“Hey, pretty”, Kazuya greeted him and held a bottle of Champaign out for Jin. “Nice flat.”
“You haven’t seen all of it yet”, Jin just answered in a quiet voice.
Kazuya stepped closer and winked, as Jin remembered it just too well. “I’m sure I’ll get to see all important spots.”
That was Kazuya how Jin had gotten to know him. Kazuya, just how he had always been.
It didn’t look like he was in any way sad or hurt.
Jin let them go to the living room, where his other friends were and went to the kitchen to get more crisps and beer.
When he came back, Kazuya had won over several people already. Even though they were all strangers to him, he didn’t have problems to attract them, at all.
Jin turned away and decided to concentrate on other people instead. It wasn’t any of his business what Kazuya did.
That worked quite well for most of the night. But as it got later and more and more people left, Jin didn’t have much of a chance, but to pay attention to Kazuya again.
On the reverse side, however, Kazuya could pretty much pretend Jin wasn’t in the room. Or anyone else, for that matter.
He had found a victim and Jin watched him seducing the poor boy, making him fall for Kazuya. It was just the same he had done it with Jin.
All just the same.
When Kazuya left the room and pulled that guy with him, Jin knew he couldn’t ignore it any longer. It was too much, it was not going to happen like this in his, Jin’s, flat.
“Kazuya”, he said, when he came out of the living room and into the kitchen.
Kazuya gave him an asking look, his body way too close to that other man’s. “What is it?”
Jin rolled his eyes and stepped closer, pulling the friend of his away from Kazuya. “Would you leave us alone for a moment?”
His friend nodded and just walked out without a word of protest.
“Great”, Kazuya murmured. “It just got interesting.”
“You’re not going to do that in my flat and not with any of my friends.”
Kazuya lifted a brow. “I don’t think it’s any of your business.”
“My flat”, Jin repeated. “My friends.”
“Sorry, I didn’t know you wanted to get him laid, too.” Kazuya made an apologetic gesture.
Jin wanted to snap at him, but remembered the others could probably hear them, so he grabbed Kazuya’s arm instead and pulled him out of the kitchen, over the floor and into his bed room.
Kazuya didn’t look impressed at all, he just crossed his arms and checked the room with a look around. “I said I’d get to see all important spots.”
“Shut up”, Jin said and turned to Kazuya, after he had closed the door. “What’s gotten into you?”
“I’m not any different than normal, am I?”
“What’s that slutty attitude?”
Kazuya shrugged. “I wouldn’t call it slutty. That’s how I’ve always been, Jin.”
“Not when...” Jin stopped, fell silent.
“When I was with you?” Kazuya had a small laugh for that, as he sat down on the edge of Jin’s bed. “You know, people tend to say I’m an asshole.”
Jin wasn’t sure where Kazuya was going with that, so he just frowned.
“I may be.” Kazuya shrugged. “But I’m not as much of an asshole as you are.”
Jin’s jaw dropped.
“I make clear from the beginning it’s just about sex and that’s it’s nothing more for me.”
“What the...?” Jin couldn’t find words.
“I don’t pretend deeper feelings were involved or that I’d actually feel more than just a simple attraction.” Kazuya looked up at Jin. “I’m not playing with their feelings.”
“You say I played with your feelings?” Jin could not have been any more horrified.
Kazuya smiled bitterly. “You didn’t just have sex with me. You let me sleep in your bed and you actually took me in your arms afterwards.”
Jin’s first instinct was to say “That’s normal”, but he realised that for someone like Kazuya, it wasn’t.
“You had that way of looking at me, you cared to listen to me”, Kazuya explained further. “You pretended to have fallen in love, pretended to like me.”
Jin wanted to tell him that he had not had to pretend that; that he had actually liked Kazuya, but no word left his lips.
“And”, Kazuya added and looked at Jin directly, “you made it seem as though a kiss was really special, as though a kiss would mean the world.”
It did, Jin thought. It meant so much more than every touch and every intimate word they had exchanged, when they had had sex. That kiss had been precious.
“You kissed me like that, turned everything upside down and then you just walked out on me and forgot about everything.”
“I didn’t think”, Jin said, after a moment, “that you’d be able to be serious about it.”
“Well”, Kazuya said in a bitter tone and got up. “Think again.”
“Kazuya”, Jin said calmly and moved to the door, blocking his way.
“No, really. I had enough. I’m going home.” Kazuya didn’t even touch Jin, as he sneaked past him and opened the door. “And I’m taking that guy with me.”
Jin stayed and just stared, trying to process what he had just heard.
Had Kazuya fallen in love with him? Had Kazuya - the one who took home different men each night and was so loose and carefree - really fallen in love with Jin?
He couldn’t, Jin thought and ran his hands through his hair, letting go of his breath. He couldn’t fall in love, just because he had gotten some affection of Jin, some affectionate gestures, when everything between them had just been about sex.
Jin slowly turned and returned to his living room, trying to act like everything was normal.
Ryo gave him a curious look, when he came in. “Kame just kidnapped that one guy from your music history class”, he said.
Jin forced a smile. “Sounds like him. A new toy for tonight.”
Ryo blinked. “I thought he was over that, when you guys started dating.”
Jin could only stare at him. Suddenly, it had gotten quiet in the room and those people, who were still there, listened interested.
“I mean, you told me he was like that, but I got the feeling that after he got together with you, he stopped seeing other men.” Ryo frowned.
Jin cleared his throat, tried to ignore the stares. “We never got together.”
“But you slept with him, didn’t you?”
“Could we not talk about that here?” Jin lowered his voice.
Ryo shrugged. “We don’t have to talk about it, at all. Apparently you’re over, anyways.”
Jin felt relief washing over him at those words, but that only lasted a few seconds, before realisation hit him and he turned and left the room.
“Where are you going?” Ryo followed him and watched Jin getting into his shoes.
“Leave the door open, when you guys leave”, Jin just said. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“Jin...”
“We’re not over, Ryo”, he said and turned again. “And he’ll better understand that, too.”
With that, Jin left and ran down the stairs and all the way to the station. It didn’t take long to Kazuya’s flat, so courage hadn’t left Jin, as he arrived there.
He had lived there for long enough to know Kazuya’s behaviours. When he was home, he wouldn’t lock the door, so Jin wasn’t surprised to find it open. He opened it quietly and sneaked in. Kazuya’s shoes weren’t there and he frowned, but still made his way in.
It was quiet.
There was no light in any of the rooms and Jin frowned slightly, before he walked over to the living room and to the door to Kazuya’s bed room.
He found it empty and Jin wanted to curse, because Kazuya had apparently taken his prey for the night somewhere else.
He stood in the door from to Kazuya’s room, realising he saw it for the very first time. They had spent every night in Jin’s room, had always slept in Jin’s bed and he realised that it probably had a meaning.
Kazuya had never allured him into his bed, he had left it to Jin, the decision whether they should sleep together - and that didn’t just include the sex.
Jin leaned against it and sighed, looked at Kazuya’s bed, which was neatly made and wondered how he could have imagined it just like this, how it could fit Kazuya just so perfectly.
A huge shelf with books across from Kazuya’s bed reminded him how Kazuya had told him about his favourite author, how he got hooked up with those stories and sometimes spent whole night reading, because he just couldn’t stop, before it was ended.
He had not lied, everything he had told Jin had been the truth. Kazuya had been honest from the very beginning.
Jin turned and wanted to leave again. He couldn’t say why, but he just felt like he had to turn once more and take just a single look at the guest room. It probably was the only place in the world he had ever felt completely at ease in, so he just wanted to have a last look.
When he quietly opened the door, he hesitated for a second, but then stopped and just stared at the bed.
From the living room, light fell onto it and highlighted the figure sitting on the bed.
“I thought you would leave again without coming in here”, Kazuya said quietly.
Jin stayed in his spot. “Why are you here all alone?”
“I didn’t feel like sleeping with that guy after all.”
Nodding, Jin kept his response to himself.
“What are you doing here?” Kazuya looked up, shifted to sit on the edge of the bed.
Jin shrugged. “I wanted to keep you from sleeping with him.”
“He suddenly seemed a little scared of me.”
Jin smiled. “Did you try to make me jealous?”
With a shrug, Kazuya fixed his eyes on a spot at the wall. “I just did what I always do.”
“It’ll make me go insane”, Jin commented.
Kazuya turned his eyes onto him. “What?”
“Your flirty attitude.”
“I guess it’s not much of your problem.”
Jin shook his head. “I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to go after every guy he comes across.”
Kazuya stared at him for a moment, then he lowered his head, as a foolish smile spread across his features. “I’m not going after every guy I come across.”
Jin just lifted a brow.
Kazuya grinned at Jin. “Only the really hot ones.”
Jin laughed slightly, before he walked into the room and over to the bed. He framed Kazuya’s face and looked into his eyes, while he ran his thumbs over his cheeks and leaned in, putting a knee between Kazuya’s legs onto the bed.
He leaned in and kissed Kazuya, stronger and deeper than he had before. Everything he wanted to say lay in that kiss and he could only hope Kazuya would understand.
As he pulled back, his lips swollen and wet, his breath heaving, he saw that Kazuya did; only by the way the other one returned the look, smiled at Jin.
It suddenly seemed not that much of a problem anymore. That Kazuya was a guy, that Jin had never felt like that before, that Kazuya had that attitude.
He reached out his hand and took Kazuya’s, laced their fingers and he knew it was the right thing to do, when he saw the expression in Kazuya’s face, that smile he had fallen in love with.
Jin pulled him in and kissed him, kissed him the way, he had kissed Kazuya before and yet, this time it felt different.
This time it was not just the right thing to do; this time, it didn’t mean farewell, but a beginning.
“I knew I’d make you fall in love with me, when you stood in front of my door with your guitar and that shy look”, Kazuya commented in his usual mocking tone. “You didn’t have a single chance.”
Jin smiled and he couldn’t object to that. He’d lie, if he did. So, he just pushed Kazuya back to the bed and robbed another kiss from him.
Kazuya was just not the good kind.
But that didn’t mean he wasn’t the right kind for Jin.
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Thanks so very much for reading and taking your time. I really hope you enjoyed it :) ♥