Kamen /// First Feeling: Love
banner by naomi0211
Title: Kamen //Can you look right through me?//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Romance. Angst, Fluff
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: Feelings are like masks we put on to convey our inner depth. But sometimes it turns out we use those masks to hide our real feelings...
How well can Jin read Kazuya's feelings; and in return, how much does Kazuya really understand Jin? After being together for so long, things start to change, and feelings start to disappear behind masks...
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
First chapter ♥
It's basically introducing the situation, but a lot of Akame Fluff is awaiting you with this.
I hope you'll like it!! ^^
A/N#2: Kamen (仮面) is Japanese for Mask.
Previous Chapters:
Prologue
First Feeling: Love
Kazuya pretty much liked his life the way it was.
A huge part of it was work. But work was okay; he liked the job. He got to see a lot of places, got to know a lot of people and could enjoy something like nationwide popularity.
Being an idol was not always just fun; it held a huge responsibility to it, too. But Kazuya could handle that quite well; he never had problems to act his role perfectly, to give the right answer and show the right face in the right moments.
Being an idol was what filled his life, what made him feel like he did the right thing; like he did not just only something for himself but also for others.
The other part, the one that was even bigger to him, was Jin.
What made him go on; what fulfilled him completely and let him stand the tortures his being of an idol brought, was Jin.
Jin was always by his side; Jin had always been the one holding his hand.
Jin was the one he loved.
It was difficult for Kazuya to describe what exactly they had or how it had formed. It had just happened suddenly; they had found each other without looking for love.
Though, Kazuya had to admit, in a way, Jin had always been special to him. From the very beginning when he had entered the audition, Jin had been different from everyone else.
Jin had seen him.
The pale, skinny boy that didn’t shine as much as the other boys in the room. The shy and quiet kid that had been all for himself in a corner of the room, waiting for someone to tell him what to do.
Kazuya had always been alone; insecure of himself, broken because he couldn’t be like the others.
But Jin had seen him; Jin had taken his hand and had made him his friend. He had made Kazuya follow him; they had spent every free minute together. He had been Jin’s best friend.
Until someday Jin had let him go. It had been okay; Kazuya had been ready to go his own path. He had found his own way to shine, but Jin had always been watching him; protecting him, in a way.
Letting Jin go, on the other side, had been the hardest thing to do for Kazuya. The time he had been without him, the time they didn’t have contact at all, had been hard to take.
It had driven Kazuya almost insane. He had missed Jin like mad; had realized what exactly the other one meant to him. How much he needed him.
When Jin had returned, Kazuya had confessed. He had laid his heart to Jin’s feet, because he knew, if he ever had to let Jin go again, he wouldn’t survive it.
He was completely in love.
With that, everything had started anew. They were not just friends anymore, they were lovers. It had taken him some time, but eventually Jin had accepted Kazuya’s feelings and his own, dismissing his doubts, and since then, nothing could have separated them.
Now, years later, nothing had changed for Kazuya. He still loved Jin like he had back then; he still saw him as the special one who recognized him, the one taking his hand, the one letting him go his own path. The one loving him honestly.
Kazuya smiled over that thought as he entered the hall. He’d have training first; they would give two shows today and after that he’d rush back home and prepare dinner.
Jin would come over this evening and since it was a special day, he wanted to make it perfect for them. At least for the few hours they had together.
“Otsukaresama!” A staff member walked by and greeted him. He greeted back, before he saw Tegoshi and Subaru already warming up in the hall and hurried to get changed himself.
Subaru was on the phone, Tegoshi had vocal trainings when he came back.
Looking at the older one, he noticed him talking in a dialect, what made Kazuya guess, he was talking to one of his band mates.
Kazuya drifted off in his thoughts to the evening he had planned. Even though Jin always said the food of his mother was the best, Kazuya knew exactly which of his cooking Jin had a soft spot for. He’d make some really good pasta, he decided; that one Jin had liked that much when they had Italian food coming last time. Kazuya had looked up the recipe and had even tried it once; just to make sure it would work out.
“Kazuya?” Tegoshi tapped his shoulder. “Don’t space out; we’re starting.”
“Oh, sure. Sorry.” Kazuya smiled and turned, beginning to speak his lines.
It was late when Kazuya came back home; but not too late. He had still plenty of time before Jin would come over.
So he first went to the kitchen to prepare everything. He checked if he really got everything stored, then he placed everything at the table.
His apartment wasn’t as big as Jin’s, but his kitchen was firstly bigger and secondly better equipped. Kazuya liked it like this. The tiny bedroom where only his bed was and that was sun flooded in the mornings, the comfortable bathroom, with a huge basin and a shower, the basically huge living room with a wall completely out of glass, leading to a balcony from which he could look over the city’s skyline. He loved his entire apartment.
Although by now, it wasn’t just his anymore. Ever since he had moved here, he had thought of Jin being here quite often, too. He had bought a robe for Jin, had a little closet for Jin in the bathroom, with his favourite shampoo and a toothbrush. In his drawer he had left some space for Jin to put some of his clothes and next to his bed he had put a few pictures.
Of him and Ran-chan, of his parents and his brothers and one of him and Jin when they were younger.
He had bought slippers for Jin which had been too small, so they had gotten a new pair together and they always stood at their place next to the door.
Jin had a key and sometimes came over to wait for Kazuya.
It was probably not the perfect relationship since they couldn’t meet as often as they wanted, but it was enough for Kazuya, because they both put their heart into it; they both were serious about it.
When he had prepared everything and had set a pot filled with water to the heater, he made his way out of the kitchen to shower. He felt sweaty and exhausted.
As he stepped into the bathroom and got undressed; he didn’t hear his mobile ringing in the kitchen. Kazuya had just closed the door and turned on the shower.
Dust enfolded around him; the water pouring down on him in a hot shower. Sighing he titled his head back, shampooing his hair, then he relaxed for a few minutes longer.
After getting dressed in a casual denim jeans and a shirt he felt much cleaner and better.
He put the pasta into the by now boiling water and felt a pleasant feeling rolling over him.
It was nice to cook for someone. He usually cooked for himself, but he loved to put effort in cooking for someone else; especially if that someone was someone he loved.
Humming silently, he prepared the sauce, as his mobile started ringing again. He recognized Jin’s number and picked up. “Say you’ll be late and I’m going to break up.”
Jin kept silent for a moment. “Don’t say that, Kazuya.”
“Oh, so you will be late?”, the younger one asked and put the phone between shoulder and ear to put some herbs into the sauce. “Well, that can’t be helped then. When will you be here?”
“Did you expect me to come?”
Now, Kazuya froze. “You usually come Wednesday nights.”
“I know”, Jin said.
“It’s the evening we always spend together.”
“Right, right.” The older one sighed now. “Listen, Kazuya. I’ve been asked out by some of the guys from the band and it would be rude not to go.”
“Oh, yeah.” Kazuya nodded, looked at the sauce that was boiling slightly in front of him. “Sure.”
“Don’t wait for me, okay?” Jin said and Kazuya could hear impatience in his voice. He didn’t have much time. “Okay?”
Kazuya nodded, lowered the heat; turned it off. “No, I won’t.”
“I’m sorry, babe”, Jin apologized.
Babe, Kazuya thought and swallowed thickly. How he hated that; Jin only called him like that when he tried to calm Kazuya. He just hadn’t noticed yet, that Kazuya didn’t like that at all and it made him just even angrier. “No, it’s fine. Have fun.”
He couldn’t see it, but he knew Jin smiled. “I’ll call again. Good night, Kazuya.”
“Good night”, Kazuya whispered and waited until Jin had hung up, then he did so himself.
He watched the contents of the pots and sighed heavily.
Well, planning a surprise had probably not been the best idea ever, so he would just have to tell Jin next time when he planned something special.
He decided to finish his cooking, though, and after he had cleaned the kitchen, he made his way with a plate to the living room, watching some television and enjoying his meal.
It had turned out quite well.
Tired, he went to bed afterwards, trying to be not mad or depressed. They’d have another chance to celebrate, to enjoy Kazuya’s cooking together.
But, he thought, as he got beneath his blanket and curled up, they only had their anniversary once a year.
Jin quietly opened the door to Kazuya’s apartment. It was almost four in the morning and he knew, Kazuya had to get up quite early for a photo shooting and interview.
Kat-tun was not very busy these days, but the two of them had a lot on their plates with their solo works.
Sometimes he thought it was not fair this way. He felt like he had a lot more work than others, and Kazuya, too. But then, he always reminded himself that this was exactly the way he wanted it.
He was more popular this way.
It was just sometimes a pity that he couldn’t spend as much time with Kazuya as he wanted. He loved having the younger one around; he was refreshing and always so caring.
Kazuya was probably the best that could have ever happened to him; even though Jin had had plenty of doubts when things had started to move in that direction between them.
He had realized his feelings for Kazuya long before he had went to America and hearing the younger one confess after he had come back, had felt like a dream. But even so, Jin had been doubting that things between them could work; that two men like them could make a relationship work. A lot had been depending on that decision and even though he had wanted to be with Kazuya, he had just known as well that it could mean a risk for the two of them.
They had managed to make it work and Jin really couldn’t think of anything better than what they shared now.
Though, sometimes, he felt like he couldn’t give Kazuya what he expected and deserved. He was probably a bit too cool, too cautious when it came to feelings.
It was mostly Kazuya who said I love you first; it was Kazuya who put much more effort to maintain their love.
Of course, on evenings like this one, when Jin had to turn him down he would never get mad, because there were times when he had to turn Jin down, as well. That was how business was going and they were both used to it; were both able to handle it.
But that didn’t change the fact that Jin felt sorry about it.
He knew Kazuya was hurt, no matter how well he could understand.
He took off his shoes silently and got into his slippers. First, he went over to the bed room, he was a bit drunk, but not enough to make him careless or reckless. He saw Kazuya lying in bed, curled up and peacefully sleeping. A smile traced his lips and he then got over into the kitchen.
He needed some juice or water to calm his stomach from all the alcohol he had had before.
Opening the fridge, he frowned at its contents. There was not much in it, actually. Just a bottle of tomato juice, some milk, some cream, strawberries, a bottle of expensive red wine and, for some odd reason, mussels.
He saw the plate that was carefully wrapped with cling film and took it out to have a closer look. Jin recognized it as pasta, in the read sauce he could make out some of those mussels, and frowned over it; then he lifted his head, gaped for a moment.
A silent curse left his lips as he put it back and closed the fridge to lean his back against it.
He had forgotten about their anniversary.
Of course, Kazuya was just the type of guy who would make a big fuzz about it; would plan a dinner for them, would cook for Jin, would buy wine and surprise him with that. He’d bet Kazuya had also candles prepared in the living room on a table, set for two.
A romantic candlelight dinner.
Kazuya was that type of guy. He’d do all that for their anniversary; no matter how busy they were. But after all, that was what Jin loved about him.
Kazuya had cooked for him and Jin had turned him down like this. On a day like this.
Feeling bad, he got back into the bed room, watched Kazuya again with a pitiful face, before he placed a small kiss to his forehead and got to the drawer to get his robe.
He decided to shower before he’s get into bed; he’d be able to sleep much better then. In the bathroom he opened his closet, got out his shampoo and then took a long, hot, relaxing shower.
Afterwards, he changed into the red, fluffy bath robe and got back to Kazuya’s bed room. Dawn was already starting and Jin could make out the bed in the dim light. He joined Kazuya under the blanket and rested his head at one of the soft pillows.
Still wearing the robe, just because he felt comfortable in it, he looped an arm around Kazuya’s waist from behind him.
He pulled his lover close, and burying his face at the back of Kazuya’s neck, Jin felt sleepy with an instant. It was easy to fall asleep like this.
Whenever they couldn’t manage to meet, Jin noticed how much he had gotten used to have Kazuya by his side while sleeping. Or at least while falling asleep. They often just fell asleep together and when he’d wake up Kazuya would be gone.
Their different schedules often made it impossible for them to even just spend a morning together. Breakfast with Kazuya was something rare; that’s why it was one of Jin’s favourite things.
So, with that, they had to learn to be content with what they had. Which were mostly nights to fall asleep in each other’s arms.
But, to what extent that adoption had gotten already, Jin only noticed in that moment; when Kazuya slightly shifted in his arms, moved to put his hand over Jin’s at his chest and murmured his name.
Kazuya turned to him in his sleep; he recognized him even while asleep. Jin frowned, returned the slight squeeze of Kazuya’s fingers, holding him tight.
What he and Kazuya shared got deeper than anything else he’d ever known; nothing was comparable to how much they were depending on each other.
Jin had never been that close.
It was not even two hours later when Kazuya’s alarm went off and woke both of them.
The younger one sat up in confusion, looking down at Jin, who was just opening his eyes, moaning. “Too loud…”, he murmured and shifted, curling up under the blanket.
“Since when are you here?”, Kazuya asked and turned off the melody.
“I came a few minutes ago”, Jin exaggerated. “I haven’t even slept yet.”
Smiling, Kazuya trailed his fingers through Jin’s hair, finding it slightly wet. “Did it rain?”
The older man shook his head. “I had a shower before I went to bed.”
Kazuya nodded, then he got up. “I’ll leave you some breakfast in the fridge. Just clean up the kitchen before you leave, okay?”
“I should get up and make some breakfast for you.”
“I have a job today; I can’t effort to be missing because of feeling sick.”
Jin smiled tiredly. “My cooking’s not that bad. Besides, it’s just breakfast. And I owe it to you.”
Kazuya turned to him from his drawer, frowned. He noticed Jin’s bath robe wasn’t in its place. “How do I deserve that?”, he wanted to know. “Do you wear your bathrobe?”
Jin just lifted the blanket as an answer. “You cooked for me yesterday night, didn’t you?”
Kazuya turned again, picking some clothes. “In bed; really, Jin. You could have just taken a shirt.”
Sighing, the dark brunette sat up now. “Don’t ignore me, Kazuya.”
“I’m not ignoring you. We’re talking, aren’t we?”
“I didn’t mean to forget about it”, Jin said.
But you did, Kazuya only thought, trying to not let Jin see it hurt him. “It’s okay. We can have dinner another day.”
“Another day is not our anniversary.”
Kazuya knew if he’d agree to that now it would make things just even worse. Jin felt bad, and he wanted Kazuya to be understanding. He wanted Kazuya to tell him it wasn’t that bad he had forgotten about it.
But, somewhere in his mind, and probably even in his heart, Kazuya couldn’t even build up that lie to believe in it himself.
Even so, he got over to Jin now, sat down at the edge of the bed and looked at him with serious eyes. “That won’t make it less special, Jin. Most important is that we spend time together whenever we can. No matter the occasion.”
Jin nodded, leaned in then to kiss Kazuya on his lips. “I’ll make it up to you.”
Kazuya smiled into their kiss, closed his eyes and allowed himself to sink into it for a while. Until he found himself in Jin’s arms; his lover leaning against the headboard of the bed with Kazuya resting against his chest.
The kiss was slow, lazy almost and seducing. Kazuya felt Jin’s tongue nudging his, encouraging him to kiss Jin back and let it turn into something more; something deeper. Kazuya titled his head, gave Jin a taste of what it could be like, of what he knew Jin liked so much, and released a quiet, soft sigh that was not yet a moan.
Jin pulled him closer, made attempts to press Kazuya back down to the pillows. The younger one struggled and shifted to stop him. “I heard it’s okay to be slightly late for work today. Stay, Kazuya.”
Kazuya considered it while drawing back from their kiss. He licked his lips, tasting Jin and smiled, before he gently pushed Jin away to get up. “I need to get ready.”
“Workaholic”, Jin just answered and slid down again to lie. “I’ll sleep for a little longer.”
Kazuya placed a peck to his temple, before he took his clothes with him to the bathroom and got changed.
As he was ready to leave just about twenty minutes later, he quickly peeked into his bedroom again and saw Jin sprawled out on the mattress, sheets messily wound around him.
Kazuya left silently, leaving Jin peacefully sleeping.
On his way to work, he tried to convince himself that he was okay; Jin had come after all. And he had apologized; not with words, Jin couldn’t really do that, but his actions and looks had been definite.
Kazuya knew to read them.
Jin loved him and they didn’t need an anniversary to prove that, to make sure it still was like that. Those small things in their daily life proved it already.
He hadn’t gone home but to Kazuya to at least sleep by his side, in his arms; and that counted a lot.
Kazuya really tried to believe in what he had said himself to Jin before; he desperately tried to convince himself that it didn’t eat away at him that Jin had forgotten.
But it somehow did.
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Thank you so very much for taking your time to read ♥
By the way. I most likely won't always manage to put the updates right away to the communities. Like today.
So, if you want to read the new chapters as soon as they are out, feel free to add this journal ^^