Public Service Announcement
The HSE has issued the following guidelines in connection with the Festive Season in the UK
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir; We will lend a coat of fur.
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both owing to risk of
allergy to animal fur and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice
cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a
suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau
check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.
Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be
prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe
for members of the public to travel in. The risk assessment must also
consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,
particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note,
permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To
avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that
laughter be moderate and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched their flocks by night All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down And glory shone around
The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate
seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and
orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that
owing to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year they should
watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd
observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her
glory all around s/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued
with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and
the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of
any part of Mr R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R. Reindeer
from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary
action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full
investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on
full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey, on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a
donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also included in the
guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many
rest breaks are required over a four-hour plodding period. Please note that
owing to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road Mary and Joseph
are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne
particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled
'little' and would prefer to be referred to simply as Mr Donkey. To comment
upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his
equine rights.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable, since it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organizations as 'cash for gold',
gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate owing to the potential
risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift
alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's
name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We do not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars alone
in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder
or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice
regarding fuel consumption. Please note that, as per the guidelines from
the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will
require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are
also advisable owing to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.
Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed -
This is definitely one for Social
Services.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir; We will lend a coat of fur.
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both owing to risk of
allergy to animal fur and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice
cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a
suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau
check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.
Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be
prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe
for members of the public to travel in. The risk assessment must also
consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,
particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note,
permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To
avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that
laughter be moderate and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched their flocks by night All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down And glory shone around
The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate
seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and
orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that
owing to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year they should
watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd
observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her
glory all around s/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued
with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and
the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of
any part of Mr R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R. Reindeer
from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary
action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full
investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on
full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey, on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a
donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also included in the
guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many
rest breaks are required over a four-hour plodding period. Please note that
owing to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road Mary and Joseph
are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne
particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled
'little' and would prefer to be referred to simply as Mr Donkey. To comment
upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his
equine rights.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable, since it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organizations as 'cash for gold',
gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate owing to the potential
risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift
alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's
name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We do not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars alone
in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder
or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice
regarding fuel consumption. Please note that, as per the guidelines from
the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will
require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are
also advisable owing to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.
Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed -
This is definitely one for Social
Services.
Merry Christmas, everybody!