organzing my thoughts
so, today i was asked multiple times, by multiple people if i was ok...
one was judging simply by what i said
the other was judging by how i looked and acted
maybe im not ok
i think i am
a bit tired
i think thats it, but maybe im wrong...
final tomorrow and im done with eng212
friday tomorrow and a couple days off from camp
doubles tomorrow, only one the next day and a bit of break
i dont know...
doesnt seem too bad
school i going well
i have a solid A in the class
not solid enough that i can blow off the final,
but solid enough i shouldnt have to stress
but then, the grades arent keeping me happy
maybe im not in the right major
maybe a love for it isnt enough
just like with a sport
or anything that requires a certain amount of talent
maybe im really not good at writing
and would never make it
maybe he's right, and everything i see in a poem or novella is "a bit of a stretch, buuuut yes see"
and that there really is nothing there except the very surface meanings of the words
maybe im looking for something when i read thats not there
like in other things
maybe the superficial is all there is
and i should look for something else now
something i have more of a talent for
or more of an aptitude for
but less of an interest in
something more practical, perhaps...
work is alright
i like bn, well the one day i worked, but thats a good sign
camp is tiring
im not sure how i feel about little kids anymore
it amazes me that they never run out of energy
and that some are just too cute for words
and others too vile
and not through any rational reasoning
and some will sit and watch a whole movie without making a sound or moving once
and others will do the same with an arts and crafts project
and others will just walk between the two rooms, staying 2 minutes here, 4 minutes there
and about half of them are named nicholas,
the others are miguel
i dont think i want to do this another summer
the camp, i mean
sure it pays well, and will only get better
but there has to be something better to do
that keeps me happy
and excited about life
but then, maybe the money is the important part
maybe ive been deceiving myself thinking i could work a job i like and that would be enough
maybe im just a spoiled brat who's mummy pays for things for her
and who doesnt really have to work
im just pretending
like the 5 year old that follows his parents to work
and plays "office" and "school"
but hes still just playing
maybe thats all im doing
falsely convincing myself that i need to do this
so that i dont know im pretending
maybe thats all it is...
swimming is...shorter than usual
lots of 50s and 100s
lots of kick
the water is entirely too hot
and yet im never warmed up
never find a rythmn
and miserable the entire time im doing it
exhausted, hot, sore, discouraged, lapped...
its all there
in one set and many times in a practice
it has to get better
it has to...doesnt it?
mariusz said it would when i talked to him today
not that it would change, but that i would get used to it
just hang in there
thats her coaching style
i dont want a new coaching style
especially one tailored towards sprinters
i want the one that worked
i want the style and workouts and season i had last year
and the acc meet i shouldve had
i dont want to gamble this season away on a sprint-coach turned head
i dont want to work my ass off this season to become a much better 200 swimmer but throw my 500 to hell
all because of a coach who doesnt write workouts with anything over a 200
i want a coach who knows me
who respects me as a hard worker, even if im not the fastest on the team
and who knows im working my ass off even though im going slowly because i cant sprint or kick
but im still trying
and i dont want to continue having practices that get me discouraged and depressed about swimming before warmup is over
bcuz that just makes the main set that much harder
it makes the heat that much unbearable
it makes going slow that much more painful
and a rythmn that much more unattainable
and then the frustration doesnt go away
its there the entire time
am i allowed to be annoyed that injured/sprinters/backstrokers, are going faster than me at "mid-distance?"
or is that petty?
and selfish?
and arrogant?
and am i allowed to worry that shes getting a bad impression of me?
or is that premature?
and already creating some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy of a bad season bcuz i have no faith in my coach?
am i psychologically screwing myself out of a good season this before it even starts?
am i going to waste one more of the precious 3 years i have left?
i dont know about this fall
my schedule is good though
swimming will be hard, but shouldnt be deathly
but then, there are so many little things that just seem like theyre waiting to explode and screw it all up
like the housing
on one hand, i have a best friend who is told me i made her day today with my email of where we were living
on the other, i have a boyfriend who's totally bummed im not down the hall anymore
who's side am i supposed to take?
i tried the side im actually on, the one in the middle
but it didnt seem enough
neither was pleased
and then i found out about my roomate
forget that i am no longer rooming with my best friend from last year because shes transferring
and that initially if i wasnt with her i was going to get a single
and that i had the roomate from a kinder side of hell this past year
and was going to be with just some random person because all the singles were out
so all im really worried about is who i am going to be living with
then i find out
and its changed
not a big deal, i dont know either girl
in fact, i get a single for half the year
so its like a crazy good compromise
and she tells me shes bummed im not with the first girl after christine
does nothing statisfy you with the rooming?
you got your athletic suite in mahoney
you have a roomate you know you get along with
you dont have to do the random selection bit again
i do
and i dont know if i will like her
and i have to live with her
you dont
so dont tell me youre pissed im living with a different girl
if you like katie better, she will be right upstairs
and while im talking to you,
dont give me shit because of matt
ok, i happen to like him
quite a lot
and i dont need the "him or me" crap from you
or from him either
not like last year
im sure i screwed up a bit
but dont make me choose
i wouldnt do it if you had a boyfriend
just like i didnt do it to kirsten
and, fyi, im not gonna alienate you guys like she did
maybe ill spend more time with matt than you would like
but im not gonna become a bitch because of it
and hes not gonna be moving into the suite
and im not gonna forget about you guys
so dont make me feel like i am
and implicitly accuse me of it
bcuz thats not fair
and it just makes my life hell
it does nothing to help yours
it just screws up mine
that goes for all of you
friends and boys alike
im not doing that again
and i dont want to be worrying that i am going to
or that youre gonna think i am
bcuz i have plenty to worry about without you adding to it
i need to prepare my final now
please ignore this rant