(no subject)
my family and I were, once again, homeless. we lived in a town that had a year-round carnival, thus making most of the residents carnies. my mom found a place for us to live in. it was inhabited by a bunch of homeless carnies. it was big and abandoned [all the carnies were squatters] leaving most of the rooms open territory. however, we only took two. one being a master bedroom [my mom and her boyfriend] and one for all of us kids [3 total]. our room was also the living room so we didn't get much privacy. anyways, my siblings and I were lounging in our "room" watching tv [yeah we didn't have a permanent residence yet we still had a tv]. it was nearing dinner time so I decided to ask my mom if she would make us dinner. she made some kind of snotty reply; something like "well if you guys are so hungry you can make yourself dinner." and it pissed me off which in turn caused a fight. my mom and I fight by throwing catty remarks at each other while masking our rage with a straight face and my dream was no different. finally I got fed up and said "the next time I talk to Oma [my grandma] I'm gonna tell her what you've done to this family!" her boyfriend [chris] walked up behind me and made his hand into a gun. [ya know like how you do when you pretend to be james bond.] he pressed the tip of his index finger into my temple and said [not exactly] don't tell anyone anything or you'll get a real one of these. well it scared me. he's never physically threatened me, not in my dreams or real life [even though he is very violent] and it scared the bejesus out of me. so I just walked out of the room and went back to quietly watching tv. about an hour later, my mom finished dinner up [she made quesadillas cut into slices] and we ate. I was still hungry so I went back to the kitchen to get the last slice. chris had a gun.. in fact, it was his pistol. he was aiming it at the other side of the room; target practice. I stopped in the doorway to the kitchen to see if he would fire and he didn't. so I said "wait just one sec, I'm gonna get the last slice" and he said "okay". it was all said in a very friendly way, no harshness from either side.
I walked over to the counter and reached for the slice. I had it in my hand with intentions of putting it on my plate and chris shot me. it wasn't an accident, it was done to make an example of me. done out of spite.
I felt the plate slip out of my hand and clang on the counter. I felt myself fall gracefully in a heap onto the floor. and while I was falling, I reached up and felt the blood gush over my finger tips and down my hair. I knew my mom and chris were smirking at me, even though I had lost my sight and hearing. I knew my brother and sister didn't hear anything and I knew my mom wanted them to see me, lying on the ground in a pool of my blood. and there was blood all over me.. I could feel it's warmth, in fact. it was the only outside thing I felt.
I knew I was dead; I was dead when I hit the ground. I thought of all the things I never did, all the people I never loved. my life flashed before my eyes, so to speak. it was everything I ever loved or hated or experienced all rolled into one feeling. one giant feeling. I didn't see rapid changing snapshots of my life, I just felt the one big feeling. I felt euphoric and peaceful. I think it was true happiness I felt. and life was perfect, everything was beautiful.. I was happy. I was content and one with everything. it was like I could feel my soul smiling. well it had to have been my soul smiling, my body was dead. I forgave every wrong doing done to me but I also worried for my family and friends. I got a little scared, but the giant feeling was too overwhelming and soon I forgot about being worried or scared.
as the saying goes, all good things must end. and the giant feeling gradually faded away. it was completely black since I had been shot, but I never noticed because the giant feeling was there. and since it was gone, the blackness stood out. then even the blackness started fading, and I realized my soul was dying. I didn't panic and I wasn't struck by any waves negative emotions. in fact, I was emotionally blank. I just thought "well.. if this is it, then this is it. otherwise, I finally get to see if there's a god..." and just as I was about to completely die, I woke up.
this dream really shook me. not because it depicted my own death [I've dreamt that before, along with the death of my family and friends] but because I felt it. whenever I was injured or killed in my other dreams, I never felt a thing. I mean I knew I was in pain but I couldn't feel it. this one the first time I've ever felt my death. hah that sounds kinda funny.
and that feeling of oneness didn't come from outside sources. it wasn't as if I saw a light shine on me or I felt a comforting force envelop me. I just became happy and .. it was amazing, really. I don't do it much justice, but I tried. I suppose you could say it was a little like nirvana. I know it was only a dream and I'm not claiming to have some kind of religious experience, but it was fucking vivid.
as promised to Julie, here's the dream I had. although I think it's kinda different in some areas from the version I told Sara, the only part I cared about relaying was the dying part. so there ya go.