[tv is my anti-drug. oh, wait.]
Liveblogging the Oscars. Let there be no wins for Casey Affleck! Or for Mel Gibson, if it comes to that, although I don't think Hacksaw Ridge is really a serious contender for much of anything.
Edit: I was in fact still watching when The Surprising Thing happened, but had shut down my computer so it's not included in the liveblog.
We start with Justin Timberlake singing outside the auditorium. He wanders inside and picks up some dancers along the way. I don't know the song(s), but many people in the audience clearly do--camera shows us several actresses (dancing along) and Jeff Bridges (standing still and clapping on--barely--two and four) and Sting (somewhere between those two).
Justin, for better or for worse, is not our actual host. He introduces Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy makes a joke about NSYNC letting Justin back into the band, and Justin refuses to smile, not sure if that was a planned bit or not. I'll let you know if Jimmy says anything interesting in his speech. Don't hold your breath.
Well, okay, he says there are millions of people watching and if each of those people would reach out to one person they disagree with, and try to have a good-faith conversation, he thinks it would help. That's fair.
Jimmy is going on to blather about his stupid feud with Matt Damon, and makes at least one very mean joke that I'm not sure Matt was expecting. Casey is sitting right in front of Matt, so every time the camera pans to Matt we have to look at Casey too. There's a joke about how much $$ The Great Wall is losing, which Matt apparently was expecting.
Blahblah. Joke about how much weight Andrew Garfield lost for a role and how that's routinely expected of actresses. Jokes about how awesome Meryl Streep is, ending with Jimmy calling for Meryl to stand up and receive "a totally undeserved round of applause".
Jimmy, stop talking and let us get to the awards please.
Montage of Best Supporting Actor winners' speeches. Alicia Vikander, gets to present. Her dress is black and looks like an external black lace corset with some puffed sleeves attached. Best Supporting Actor: Mahershala Ali, Moonlight. Also nominated: Jeff Bridges (wearing an "it will be embarrassing if I win this" smile), Lucas Hedges, Dev Patel (who I believe is here with his mom), Michael Shannon.
Mahershala (looking awesome in a black tux and black shirt) gets a standing ovation and huge applause. He's trying, unsuccessfully, not to sniffle. He starts out by thanking his teachers and professors, by name, and goes on to thank his fellow cast members, winding up with thanking his wife and mentioning that their daughter was born four days ago! Awwww. Mazel tov twice, you guys.
Jimmy, stop talking.
Kate McKinnon and Jason Bateman are giving out the awards for costume, makeup and hairstyling! Kate's dress is black and has some kind of shiny halter top/backless-except-for-straps thing. She looks great. Jason also looks really good, and I swear he looks younger than he has in the past but maybe my mental vision of him is from a role where he was made up to look older?
Best Makeup and Hairstyling: Suicide Squad. Also nominated: A Man Called One (?), Star Trek Beyond. One of the Suicide Squad guys (I think they're all Italian) has a Sam-Elliot-worthy mane of gorgeous silver hair.
Best Costume Design: Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them (not a surprise, as it is Colleen Atwood). Also nominated: Allied, Florence Foster Jenkins, Jackie, La La Land. Colleen is also wearing black (long sleeves, interesting cutouts) and is very surprised. She says Sting told her she was going to win and she didn't believe him. :) Awww, her kids are here with her.
Jimmy talks about comic book movies and about how Hidden Figures is about real heroes.
Taraji P. Jenson, Janelle Monae and Octavia Spencer appear. Go Google their gowns, I can't describe them adequately, but all three of them are stunning. And then Katherine Johnson (in a wheelchair) joins them onstage. Everyone is on their feet and yelling, and there is some crying out there in the audience. Katherine can barely speak, but she can smile, which she does.
Best Documentary Feature: OJ: Made In America. Also nominated: Fire At Sea, I Am Not Your Negro, Life Animated, Thirteen. I'm not familiar with these filmmakers, but they are (appropriately) very serious. Dude Filmmaker does the talking, and says they're accepting it on behalf of Ron Goldman, Nicole Brown, and all victims of police brutality and racial violence.
Jimmy says he's not allowed to make an OJ joke and then makes one.
The Rock! okay, we're supposed to call him Dwayne these days. Anyways, he;s awesome. He's wearing a dark blue velvet tux jacket. He makes a joke about singing, and then sings a couple of bars, and acknowledges that it was not great. And then he introduces Auli'i Cravalho and Lin-Manuel Miranda.
LMM (looking adorable in his tux) raps a prologue about the song. Auli'i is so, so beautiful. Her red ballgown is absolutely simple but fits perfectly, and is also 100% age-appropriate (she is 16). Oops, did her mic cut out for a second? There is some dancing and stuff going on behind her but honestly who's paying attention?
Jimmy is back to mention that the young people handing out the trophies are winners of the Student Academy Awards. Cheryl Boone Isaacs gets introduced as "a president who believes in both arts and sciences" (she's the President of the Academy). Her gown is strapless, dark gray, sparkly, has this cool chevron pattern on it, and her necklace and matching earrings are blue and statement-y. Beautiful.
Jimmy then tells everyone to close their eyes and wish. And candy bars fall from the ceiling on a zillion tiny parachutes. It's beautiful.
Sofia Boutella and Chris Evans are here to present the awards for Sound Editing and Sound Mixing. Chris looks fine. Sofia (I don't know who she is) is wearing something tight and silver and sparkly with very thin straps which looks lovely.
Best Sound Editing: Arrival. Also nominated: Deepwater Horizon, Hacksaw Ridge, La La Land, Sully. The Arrival guy is Quebecois, I think, and (like the Suicide Squad guys) makes sure to mention the international nature of the crew.
Best Sound Mixing: Hacksaw Ridge. Also nominated: Arrival, La La Land, Rogue One, 13 Hours. The sound guys are adorably excited, which is nice, but the guy who speechifies thanks Mel Gibson, which I guess he has to, but yuck. And then he goes on to thank his mom, who got him his first job in sound, and that is very sweet.
Vince Vaughn. Yuck. I do not like you, Vince. He talks about the Governor's Awards, which were awarded to three people I don't recognize and to Jackie Chan. Jackie looks great, but Vince makes unfunny jokes about the current state of global distribution and Jackie's distributing films in China. One of the people I don't recognize is film editor Anne Coates, whose outfits (either at the Governor's Awards or tonight) we don't see long enough for me to describe them but they look amazing--very sparkly.
Montage of Best Supporting Actress winners of the past. Mark Rylance, wearing a hat (and, also, you know, a tux) is here to present it. Before he announces the noms, he makes a speech about opposing without hatred. Best Supporting Actress: Viola Davis, Fences. Also nominated: Naomie Harris, Nicole Kidman, Octavia Spencer, Michelle Williams.
Viola's gown is red and has a halter top and she appears to be holding up the side of the skirt? She talks about how the stories she wants to tell are about ordinary people living real lives. She's one step off from crying at all times and no one cares. Viola is amazing.
Jimmy is talking again. This seems unnecessary. He does say that tonight's theme is "Inspiration" and that some actors will talk about other actors who inspired them. Charlize Theron talks about Shirley MacLaine in "The Apartment". And then real Charlize Theron and real Shirley MacLaine come out onstage. Charlize's gown is this beautiful long sparkly bronze thing. Shirley is wearing a sparkly black blazer and a black turtleneck and skinny black pants. Shirley and Charlize banter awkwardly and it's adorable.
They are presenting Best Foreign Language Film: The Salesman, from Iran. Suck it, President Twitterfingers. Also nominated: Land Of Mine (Denmark), A Man Called Ove (Sweden), Tanna (Australia), Toni Erdmann (Germany).
The director is not there, and his statement (read by a very lovely lady) begins by explaining that he is absent out of respect for his compatriots and the residents of the other six countries affected by the Recent Unpleasantness.
Dev Patel, I am so pleased to see you, but cream tux jacket + white shirt are not my favorite combo. He introduces Sting performing "The Empty Chair", which is from a movie called Jim: The James Foley Story and is nominated for Best Song. The performance is just Sting onstage with an acoustic guitar, which he is holding up very close to his face for some reason.
There is some stupid bit regarding people on a tour bus who don't realize their bus is taking them to the Oscars. I am ignoring it.
Hailee Seinfeld (long shiny pink-silver gown with weird appliqués on the bodice) and Gael Garcia Bernal (tux, glasses, lovely deep voice, is very short, is SO ADORABLE) are presenting Best Animated Short Film. Winner: Piper. Also Nominated: Blind Vaysha, Borrowed Time, Pear Cider and Cigarettes, Pearl. I don't know anything about any of these movies. The guys who accept the award are very sweet and thank their families and all the people who liked the movie.
Hailee and GGB are still there. GGB talks about how, as a Mexican and a Latino and a migrant worker and a human being, he is against any form of wall that wants to separate us. Best Animated Feature: Zootopia. Also nominated: Kubo And the Two Strings, Moana, My Life As A Zucchini, The Red Turtle. I'm kind of surprised it wasn't Moana, but I know a lot of people really loved Zootopia and I'm happy for them. Plus, you know, we got to hear Gael Garcia Bernal say "My Life As A Zucchini", so, really, everybody wins.
Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, you seem like two people who deserved to be in a less sucky movie. Jamie's hair is buzzed and it looks weird with the beard. Dakota appears to be wearing a long-sleeved cream-colored satin nightgown. Best Production Design: La La Land. Also nominated: Arrival, Fantastic Beasts, Hail Caesar, Passengers. The winners for this movie are a married couple, and this is their first ever Oscar nom, which is sweet.
This stupid tour bus nonsense is STILL GOING ON. Get over it, Jimmy. Yes, jokes about unusual first names are hilarious. *eyeroll*
There's a sequence with people talking in various languages about their favorite American movies.
Felicity Jones and Riz Ahmed! Felicity is wearing pale pinkish-beige, does she ever wear any other color? but it's very pretty. Riz is also very pretty. Best Visual Effects: The Jungle Book. Also nominated: Deepwater Horizon, Dr. Strange, Kubo and the Two Strings, Rogue One.
Seth Rogen talks about how Back To The Future inspired him. Then Seth and Michael J. Fox climb out of a DeLorean which has appeared onstage. Seth is also wearing the moon boots from the astronaut scene. Everyone is very, very, very happy to see them.
Seth says that he is onstage with Michael J. Fox, and a DeLorean, wearing 'future shoes', and that if he sang the Schuyler Sisters song from Hamilton he would have completed his entire bucket list. And then he sings a couple bars of the song, and Michael attempts to dissuade him, claiming he does not want to be in the room where it happens. Out in the audience, LMM is losing his mind.
Seth and Michael are presenting Best Film Editing: Hacksaw Ridge. Also nominated: Arrival, Hell Or High Water, La La Land, Moonlight.
Jimmy is interviewing Sunny Pawar, the little boy from Lion. It ends with Jimmy asking Sunny if he's seen "The Lion King" ('yes') and if he wants to do the scene where Mufasa lifts Simba up towards the sun, and Jimmy lifts Sunny while "Circle Of Life" plays over the loudspeaker. This was not enough for me to forgive Jimmy for the whole tour bus time waster, but it was extremely cute.
Salma Hayek, that is seriously a black lace corseted nightgown. What are you even doing right now. (David Oyelowo is there with her. He is not wearing a nightgown. He is wearing a white tux with black papers and he looks great.) Best Documentary Short: The White Helmets. Also nominated: Extremis, 4.1 Miles, Joe's Violin, Watani: My Homeland. This is another category where I'm not familiar with any of the nominees. Joanna Natasegara (director) is wearing a big fluffy gown that looks like blue tulle over a white lining maybe? Her co-director, Orlando ICan'tSpellHisLastName, reads a statement from the head of the White Helmets.
Salma and David are also presenting Best Live-Action Short. Winner: Sing. Also Nominated: Ennemis Interieurs, La Femme et le TGV (?), Silent Nights, Timecode. I don't know anything about this movie either, but it looks like it might be about a children's choir?
They project Jimmy's cell phone up on the screen. He texts President Twitterfingers.
John Cho and Leslie Mann are presenting the Sci-Tech Awards, which they hosted. John is wearing a tux. Leslie is wearing an enormous mustard ball gown of somewhat stiff fabric, it's either really amazing or completely awful. What is not amazing is that they're doing a schtick where she's too silly to understand what science and technology are, but they're sort of doing the same thing with John so I'm not quite as mad. We get to see video in which Leslie also did a too-silly schtick at the awards ceremony itself and now I'm mad again.
Javier Bardem talks about The Bridges Of Madison County and how inspiring Meryl Streep is. And then Javier and Meryl are onstage tougher. Meryl's gown is a ballgown shape but has long sleeves, and it's a very pretty shade of dull blue. I like it a lot. Javier is a hot dude in a suit.
Best Cinematography: La La Land. Also nominated: Arrival, Lion, Moonlight, Silence. The cinematographer, Linus Something (I can't type that fast), gives a very nice speech, and then Jimmy says we're all so sorry about what happened in Sweden last week so I guess Linus here is from Sweden.
Jimmy is now presenting the Oscars edition of Mean Tweets. Natalie Portman, Ryan Gosling, Samuel L. Jackson, Jessica Chasten, Felicity Jones, Eddie Redmayne (who can't stop laughing while he reads his), Whoopi Goldberg, Lin-Manuel Miranda (who likewise completely loses it), Casey Affleck, Emma Stone, Miles Teller, Tilda Swinton, Jeff Bridges, Robert deNiro. Okay, that was pretty funny.
Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone are here! Well, I mean we knew they were. They're introducing the final two songs, both from La La Land, and John Legend will be singing for us and playing his piano. John Legend is pretty much always welcome on my TV, and I do like the songs, but I still want the song from Moana to win. Nothing personal, John.
My computer freezes up at this point and I completely miss the Best Score and Best Song categories. Samuel L. Jackson presents them both, and La La Land gets both of them. No PEGOT for LLM. Alas. He'll get another try.
Sara Bareilles is singing "Both Sides Now" for the Roll of the Dead. Bill Nunn, Gene Wilder, Patty Duke, Garry Marshall, Anton Yeltsin, Mary Tyler Moore, Prince, Kenny Baker, John Hurt, Pat Conroy, Nancy Reagan, William Peter Blatty, Ken Howard, Marni Nixon, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Debbie Reynolds, Carrie Fisher.
And now they're going to waste our time with another stupid Jimmy vs. Matt Damon bit. Jimmy is doing a fake-inspirational thing about how Matt's performance in "We Bought A Zoo" inspired him.
Ben Affleck and "guest" (Matt Damon) are presenting Best Original Screenplay. Winner: Manchester By The Sea. Also nominated: Hell Or High Water, La La Land, The Lobster, 20th Century Women. I am not happy, but less unhappy than I will be if Casey wins Best Actor. Kenneth Lonergan, the screenwriter (and director) gives a nice speech about how the movie is about taking care of people.
Amy Adams is wearing something silver and very shiny with long sleeves and serious cleavage. Best Adapted Screenplay: Moonlight. Also nominated: Arrival, Fences, Hidden Figures, Lion. Both of the screenwriters talk about people who don't often see themselves reflected on the screen and how this movie is for them.
We are now on Iteration #3 of the "snacks drift to the floor on tiny parachutes" bit and it's getting tiresome.
Halle Berry is here wearing one of those pink gowns with darker stuff on it. I'm not crazy about it, but it's not boring. She looks very different without the short hair.
Best Director: Damien Chazelle, La La Land. Also Nominated: Arrival, Hacksaw Ridge, Manchester By The Sea, Moonlight. Damien here is 32 which makes him the youngest director to win this award. He starts by thanking his fellow nominees.
Brie Larson, in a long black velvet gown which would be great if it didn't have some kind of architectural poofy thing destroying the line in front. Best Actor: Casey Affleck. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Also nominated: Andrew Garfield, Ryan Gosling, Viggo Mortensen, Denzel Washington. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. How could they pick this horrible person instead of Denzel Washington?!
Oh, and no he did not, Casey begins his speech by saying that he learned to act from Denzel Washington even though he only met Denzel tonight. And the camera pans to Denzel in the audience, and he is looking grim and angry.
Leonardo diCaprio is here to present Best Actress. He looks nice. Winner: Emma Stone. Also nominated: Isabelle Huppert, Ruth Negga, Natalie Portman, Meryl Streep.
Emma's gown is a sort of pale beige-gold sparkly thing? The old-school Hollywood hair and the dark lipstick look great, but I would've loved to see her in a gown with more color. As a young actress winning an Oscar for playing an actress, she's pretty much required to be incoherently enthusiastic about how she is unworthy of this award, and she more or less pulls it off.
Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway are presenting Best Picture! (It is a big anniversary year of Bonnie and Clyde.) They both look pretty good. Warren says our goal in politics is the same as our goal in art, to get to the truth. Best Picture: La La Land. Also nominated: Hacksaw Ridge, Fences, Arrival, Hell Or High Water, Moonlight, Lion, Hidden Figures, Manchester By The Sea.
It is very far past my bedtime. Goodnight, LJ Land. (Not as much fun as La La Land, probably.)
Edit: I was in fact still watching when The Surprising Thing happened, but had shut down my computer so it's not included in the liveblog.
We start with Justin Timberlake singing outside the auditorium. He wanders inside and picks up some dancers along the way. I don't know the song(s), but many people in the audience clearly do--camera shows us several actresses (dancing along) and Jeff Bridges (standing still and clapping on--barely--two and four) and Sting (somewhere between those two).
Justin, for better or for worse, is not our actual host. He introduces Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy makes a joke about NSYNC letting Justin back into the band, and Justin refuses to smile, not sure if that was a planned bit or not. I'll let you know if Jimmy says anything interesting in his speech. Don't hold your breath.
Well, okay, he says there are millions of people watching and if each of those people would reach out to one person they disagree with, and try to have a good-faith conversation, he thinks it would help. That's fair.
Jimmy is going on to blather about his stupid feud with Matt Damon, and makes at least one very mean joke that I'm not sure Matt was expecting. Casey is sitting right in front of Matt, so every time the camera pans to Matt we have to look at Casey too. There's a joke about how much $$ The Great Wall is losing, which Matt apparently was expecting.
Blahblah. Joke about how much weight Andrew Garfield lost for a role and how that's routinely expected of actresses. Jokes about how awesome Meryl Streep is, ending with Jimmy calling for Meryl to stand up and receive "a totally undeserved round of applause".
Jimmy, stop talking and let us get to the awards please.
Montage of Best Supporting Actor winners' speeches. Alicia Vikander, gets to present. Her dress is black and looks like an external black lace corset with some puffed sleeves attached. Best Supporting Actor: Mahershala Ali, Moonlight. Also nominated: Jeff Bridges (wearing an "it will be embarrassing if I win this" smile), Lucas Hedges, Dev Patel (who I believe is here with his mom), Michael Shannon.
Mahershala (looking awesome in a black tux and black shirt) gets a standing ovation and huge applause. He's trying, unsuccessfully, not to sniffle. He starts out by thanking his teachers and professors, by name, and goes on to thank his fellow cast members, winding up with thanking his wife and mentioning that their daughter was born four days ago! Awwww. Mazel tov twice, you guys.
Jimmy, stop talking.
Kate McKinnon and Jason Bateman are giving out the awards for costume, makeup and hairstyling! Kate's dress is black and has some kind of shiny halter top/backless-except-for-straps thing. She looks great. Jason also looks really good, and I swear he looks younger than he has in the past but maybe my mental vision of him is from a role where he was made up to look older?
Best Makeup and Hairstyling: Suicide Squad. Also nominated: A Man Called One (?), Star Trek Beyond. One of the Suicide Squad guys (I think they're all Italian) has a Sam-Elliot-worthy mane of gorgeous silver hair.
Best Costume Design: Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them (not a surprise, as it is Colleen Atwood). Also nominated: Allied, Florence Foster Jenkins, Jackie, La La Land. Colleen is also wearing black (long sleeves, interesting cutouts) and is very surprised. She says Sting told her she was going to win and she didn't believe him. :) Awww, her kids are here with her.
Jimmy talks about comic book movies and about how Hidden Figures is about real heroes.
Taraji P. Jenson, Janelle Monae and Octavia Spencer appear. Go Google their gowns, I can't describe them adequately, but all three of them are stunning. And then Katherine Johnson (in a wheelchair) joins them onstage. Everyone is on their feet and yelling, and there is some crying out there in the audience. Katherine can barely speak, but she can smile, which she does.
Best Documentary Feature: OJ: Made In America. Also nominated: Fire At Sea, I Am Not Your Negro, Life Animated, Thirteen. I'm not familiar with these filmmakers, but they are (appropriately) very serious. Dude Filmmaker does the talking, and says they're accepting it on behalf of Ron Goldman, Nicole Brown, and all victims of police brutality and racial violence.
Jimmy says he's not allowed to make an OJ joke and then makes one.
The Rock! okay, we're supposed to call him Dwayne these days. Anyways, he;s awesome. He's wearing a dark blue velvet tux jacket. He makes a joke about singing, and then sings a couple of bars, and acknowledges that it was not great. And then he introduces Auli'i Cravalho and Lin-Manuel Miranda.
LMM (looking adorable in his tux) raps a prologue about the song. Auli'i is so, so beautiful. Her red ballgown is absolutely simple but fits perfectly, and is also 100% age-appropriate (she is 16). Oops, did her mic cut out for a second? There is some dancing and stuff going on behind her but honestly who's paying attention?
Jimmy is back to mention that the young people handing out the trophies are winners of the Student Academy Awards. Cheryl Boone Isaacs gets introduced as "a president who believes in both arts and sciences" (she's the President of the Academy). Her gown is strapless, dark gray, sparkly, has this cool chevron pattern on it, and her necklace and matching earrings are blue and statement-y. Beautiful.
Jimmy then tells everyone to close their eyes and wish. And candy bars fall from the ceiling on a zillion tiny parachutes. It's beautiful.
Sofia Boutella and Chris Evans are here to present the awards for Sound Editing and Sound Mixing. Chris looks fine. Sofia (I don't know who she is) is wearing something tight and silver and sparkly with very thin straps which looks lovely.
Best Sound Editing: Arrival. Also nominated: Deepwater Horizon, Hacksaw Ridge, La La Land, Sully. The Arrival guy is Quebecois, I think, and (like the Suicide Squad guys) makes sure to mention the international nature of the crew.
Best Sound Mixing: Hacksaw Ridge. Also nominated: Arrival, La La Land, Rogue One, 13 Hours. The sound guys are adorably excited, which is nice, but the guy who speechifies thanks Mel Gibson, which I guess he has to, but yuck. And then he goes on to thank his mom, who got him his first job in sound, and that is very sweet.
Vince Vaughn. Yuck. I do not like you, Vince. He talks about the Governor's Awards, which were awarded to three people I don't recognize and to Jackie Chan. Jackie looks great, but Vince makes unfunny jokes about the current state of global distribution and Jackie's distributing films in China. One of the people I don't recognize is film editor Anne Coates, whose outfits (either at the Governor's Awards or tonight) we don't see long enough for me to describe them but they look amazing--very sparkly.
Montage of Best Supporting Actress winners of the past. Mark Rylance, wearing a hat (and, also, you know, a tux) is here to present it. Before he announces the noms, he makes a speech about opposing without hatred. Best Supporting Actress: Viola Davis, Fences. Also nominated: Naomie Harris, Nicole Kidman, Octavia Spencer, Michelle Williams.
Viola's gown is red and has a halter top and she appears to be holding up the side of the skirt? She talks about how the stories she wants to tell are about ordinary people living real lives. She's one step off from crying at all times and no one cares. Viola is amazing.
Jimmy is talking again. This seems unnecessary. He does say that tonight's theme is "Inspiration" and that some actors will talk about other actors who inspired them. Charlize Theron talks about Shirley MacLaine in "The Apartment". And then real Charlize Theron and real Shirley MacLaine come out onstage. Charlize's gown is this beautiful long sparkly bronze thing. Shirley is wearing a sparkly black blazer and a black turtleneck and skinny black pants. Shirley and Charlize banter awkwardly and it's adorable.
They are presenting Best Foreign Language Film: The Salesman, from Iran. Suck it, President Twitterfingers. Also nominated: Land Of Mine (Denmark), A Man Called Ove (Sweden), Tanna (Australia), Toni Erdmann (Germany).
The director is not there, and his statement (read by a very lovely lady) begins by explaining that he is absent out of respect for his compatriots and the residents of the other six countries affected by the Recent Unpleasantness.
Dev Patel, I am so pleased to see you, but cream tux jacket + white shirt are not my favorite combo. He introduces Sting performing "The Empty Chair", which is from a movie called Jim: The James Foley Story and is nominated for Best Song. The performance is just Sting onstage with an acoustic guitar, which he is holding up very close to his face for some reason.
There is some stupid bit regarding people on a tour bus who don't realize their bus is taking them to the Oscars. I am ignoring it.
Hailee Seinfeld (long shiny pink-silver gown with weird appliqués on the bodice) and Gael Garcia Bernal (tux, glasses, lovely deep voice, is very short, is SO ADORABLE) are presenting Best Animated Short Film. Winner: Piper. Also Nominated: Blind Vaysha, Borrowed Time, Pear Cider and Cigarettes, Pearl. I don't know anything about any of these movies. The guys who accept the award are very sweet and thank their families and all the people who liked the movie.
Hailee and GGB are still there. GGB talks about how, as a Mexican and a Latino and a migrant worker and a human being, he is against any form of wall that wants to separate us. Best Animated Feature: Zootopia. Also nominated: Kubo And the Two Strings, Moana, My Life As A Zucchini, The Red Turtle. I'm kind of surprised it wasn't Moana, but I know a lot of people really loved Zootopia and I'm happy for them. Plus, you know, we got to hear Gael Garcia Bernal say "My Life As A Zucchini", so, really, everybody wins.
Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, you seem like two people who deserved to be in a less sucky movie. Jamie's hair is buzzed and it looks weird with the beard. Dakota appears to be wearing a long-sleeved cream-colored satin nightgown. Best Production Design: La La Land. Also nominated: Arrival, Fantastic Beasts, Hail Caesar, Passengers. The winners for this movie are a married couple, and this is their first ever Oscar nom, which is sweet.
This stupid tour bus nonsense is STILL GOING ON. Get over it, Jimmy. Yes, jokes about unusual first names are hilarious. *eyeroll*
There's a sequence with people talking in various languages about their favorite American movies.
Felicity Jones and Riz Ahmed! Felicity is wearing pale pinkish-beige, does she ever wear any other color? but it's very pretty. Riz is also very pretty. Best Visual Effects: The Jungle Book. Also nominated: Deepwater Horizon, Dr. Strange, Kubo and the Two Strings, Rogue One.
Seth Rogen talks about how Back To The Future inspired him. Then Seth and Michael J. Fox climb out of a DeLorean which has appeared onstage. Seth is also wearing the moon boots from the astronaut scene. Everyone is very, very, very happy to see them.
Seth says that he is onstage with Michael J. Fox, and a DeLorean, wearing 'future shoes', and that if he sang the Schuyler Sisters song from Hamilton he would have completed his entire bucket list. And then he sings a couple bars of the song, and Michael attempts to dissuade him, claiming he does not want to be in the room where it happens. Out in the audience, LMM is losing his mind.
Seth and Michael are presenting Best Film Editing: Hacksaw Ridge. Also nominated: Arrival, Hell Or High Water, La La Land, Moonlight.
Jimmy is interviewing Sunny Pawar, the little boy from Lion. It ends with Jimmy asking Sunny if he's seen "The Lion King" ('yes') and if he wants to do the scene where Mufasa lifts Simba up towards the sun, and Jimmy lifts Sunny while "Circle Of Life" plays over the loudspeaker. This was not enough for me to forgive Jimmy for the whole tour bus time waster, but it was extremely cute.
Salma Hayek, that is seriously a black lace corseted nightgown. What are you even doing right now. (David Oyelowo is there with her. He is not wearing a nightgown. He is wearing a white tux with black papers and he looks great.) Best Documentary Short: The White Helmets. Also nominated: Extremis, 4.1 Miles, Joe's Violin, Watani: My Homeland. This is another category where I'm not familiar with any of the nominees. Joanna Natasegara (director) is wearing a big fluffy gown that looks like blue tulle over a white lining maybe? Her co-director, Orlando ICan'tSpellHisLastName, reads a statement from the head of the White Helmets.
Salma and David are also presenting Best Live-Action Short. Winner: Sing. Also Nominated: Ennemis Interieurs, La Femme et le TGV (?), Silent Nights, Timecode. I don't know anything about this movie either, but it looks like it might be about a children's choir?
They project Jimmy's cell phone up on the screen. He texts President Twitterfingers.
John Cho and Leslie Mann are presenting the Sci-Tech Awards, which they hosted. John is wearing a tux. Leslie is wearing an enormous mustard ball gown of somewhat stiff fabric, it's either really amazing or completely awful. What is not amazing is that they're doing a schtick where she's too silly to understand what science and technology are, but they're sort of doing the same thing with John so I'm not quite as mad. We get to see video in which Leslie also did a too-silly schtick at the awards ceremony itself and now I'm mad again.
Javier Bardem talks about The Bridges Of Madison County and how inspiring Meryl Streep is. And then Javier and Meryl are onstage tougher. Meryl's gown is a ballgown shape but has long sleeves, and it's a very pretty shade of dull blue. I like it a lot. Javier is a hot dude in a suit.
Best Cinematography: La La Land. Also nominated: Arrival, Lion, Moonlight, Silence. The cinematographer, Linus Something (I can't type that fast), gives a very nice speech, and then Jimmy says we're all so sorry about what happened in Sweden last week so I guess Linus here is from Sweden.
Jimmy is now presenting the Oscars edition of Mean Tweets. Natalie Portman, Ryan Gosling, Samuel L. Jackson, Jessica Chasten, Felicity Jones, Eddie Redmayne (who can't stop laughing while he reads his), Whoopi Goldberg, Lin-Manuel Miranda (who likewise completely loses it), Casey Affleck, Emma Stone, Miles Teller, Tilda Swinton, Jeff Bridges, Robert deNiro. Okay, that was pretty funny.
Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone are here! Well, I mean we knew they were. They're introducing the final two songs, both from La La Land, and John Legend will be singing for us and playing his piano. John Legend is pretty much always welcome on my TV, and I do like the songs, but I still want the song from Moana to win. Nothing personal, John.
My computer freezes up at this point and I completely miss the Best Score and Best Song categories. Samuel L. Jackson presents them both, and La La Land gets both of them. No PEGOT for LLM. Alas. He'll get another try.
Sara Bareilles is singing "Both Sides Now" for the Roll of the Dead. Bill Nunn, Gene Wilder, Patty Duke, Garry Marshall, Anton Yeltsin, Mary Tyler Moore, Prince, Kenny Baker, John Hurt, Pat Conroy, Nancy Reagan, William Peter Blatty, Ken Howard, Marni Nixon, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Debbie Reynolds, Carrie Fisher.
And now they're going to waste our time with another stupid Jimmy vs. Matt Damon bit. Jimmy is doing a fake-inspirational thing about how Matt's performance in "We Bought A Zoo" inspired him.
Ben Affleck and "guest" (Matt Damon) are presenting Best Original Screenplay. Winner: Manchester By The Sea. Also nominated: Hell Or High Water, La La Land, The Lobster, 20th Century Women. I am not happy, but less unhappy than I will be if Casey wins Best Actor. Kenneth Lonergan, the screenwriter (and director) gives a nice speech about how the movie is about taking care of people.
Amy Adams is wearing something silver and very shiny with long sleeves and serious cleavage. Best Adapted Screenplay: Moonlight. Also nominated: Arrival, Fences, Hidden Figures, Lion. Both of the screenwriters talk about people who don't often see themselves reflected on the screen and how this movie is for them.
We are now on Iteration #3 of the "snacks drift to the floor on tiny parachutes" bit and it's getting tiresome.
Halle Berry is here wearing one of those pink gowns with darker stuff on it. I'm not crazy about it, but it's not boring. She looks very different without the short hair.
Best Director: Damien Chazelle, La La Land. Also Nominated: Arrival, Hacksaw Ridge, Manchester By The Sea, Moonlight. Damien here is 32 which makes him the youngest director to win this award. He starts by thanking his fellow nominees.
Brie Larson, in a long black velvet gown which would be great if it didn't have some kind of architectural poofy thing destroying the line in front. Best Actor: Casey Affleck. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Also nominated: Andrew Garfield, Ryan Gosling, Viggo Mortensen, Denzel Washington. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. How could they pick this horrible person instead of Denzel Washington?!
Oh, and no he did not, Casey begins his speech by saying that he learned to act from Denzel Washington even though he only met Denzel tonight. And the camera pans to Denzel in the audience, and he is looking grim and angry.
Leonardo diCaprio is here to present Best Actress. He looks nice. Winner: Emma Stone. Also nominated: Isabelle Huppert, Ruth Negga, Natalie Portman, Meryl Streep.
Emma's gown is a sort of pale beige-gold sparkly thing? The old-school Hollywood hair and the dark lipstick look great, but I would've loved to see her in a gown with more color. As a young actress winning an Oscar for playing an actress, she's pretty much required to be incoherently enthusiastic about how she is unworthy of this award, and she more or less pulls it off.
Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway are presenting Best Picture! (It is a big anniversary year of Bonnie and Clyde.) They both look pretty good. Warren says our goal in politics is the same as our goal in art, to get to the truth. Best Picture: La La Land. Also nominated: Hacksaw Ridge, Fences, Arrival, Hell Or High Water, Moonlight, Lion, Hidden Figures, Manchester By The Sea.
It is very far past my bedtime. Goodnight, LJ Land. (Not as much fun as La La Land, probably.)