He was puzzled that I told him I absolutely wouldn't cancel plans I had previously made to see my friends in order to hang out with him.
Good girl. Just keep being puzzled about that, because it was very wrong of him to ask you to diss your friends in the first place. May I be so bold as to offer that you probably dodged a bullet of a control freak? Surely you've seen them.. the boyfriends (or girlfriends, it works both ways) who want to tell the other half of the relationship what to do all the time? It starts small like that, too. First it's separate you from your friends, then it's asking you not to go home to see your family, and it keeps going and going until you have no say in your life at all. That's no way to live.
So again I say well done, Grey. Bloody genius on your part.
I . . . don't know how deserving I am of congratulations regarding the whole business; I don't know if it had anything to do with control because the relationship never went that far. The two of us were both extremely busy people, him moreso even than me, and so opportunities to see each other were few and far between. I think it was a puzzlement over priorities, in a way . . . I did not and do not prioritize a romantic relationship over a friendship. He did as a matter of course.
This is something I've experienced with many of my friends in the past, actually, where they have canceled plans with me in favor of spending time with their significant other. Sometimes I shrug and accept it, because it is the way the world is; sometimes it hurts a great deal. Most people award to their romantic partner the ranking of first in their heart, and usually a friend cannot hope for similar consideration. It's sad for someone like me to whom friendship is everything-- knowing that I can never be #1 in the hearts of those who are #1 in mine.
If you had decided to re-arrange your plans, that's one thing, but if he was expecting it that's another. One is your choice, the other is a rather unreasonable request.
I'm sorry for shooting my mouth off so quickly. I just... I see so many people who live these half-lives waiting for others to tell them what to do. It's sad.
no no nooooo, don't apologize! I'm really happy that you took the time to comment on my journal, and I hope that you will continue to do so freely! Your thoughts are always welcome. It was just a weird situation, and one far beyond my ability to explain. I haven't even made an attempt; I figure no one else is interested in such things anyway. As it was I'm not sure if he expected it of me or not, precisely, because it never had a chance to become an issue . . .
And I'm totally with you re: people who are too dependent on their SOs, or who have to hold a consultation before they make plans or decisions. What makes people accept such a situation voluntarily? I can't imagine having to ask someone for permission to do what I want, not now that I'm an adult.
Ha! I have that lecture on friendship saved as well, to watch later! :D
Thanks for linking - I am curious as to what your thoughts are wrt some of his points and particularly the relationship between identity and friendship. Additionally, do you have any opinion about what I was saying about the relationship between Achilles & Patroclus?
I went to the man's talk today and it was marvelous - I hope to write up my notes from the lecture at some point, but I am too drained right now to do it. The gist of his lecture was about the transformation of friendship from pre-modern (Greek) society to present-day (US) society. He discusses how formalized rituals and social structure for friendship have dropped away, which in turn alters how friendship is viewed. I came away inspired (and a little sad, but you know).
Wow, I should not write comments when tired and distracted by other things. This came out way more demanding than it was supposed to be. Obviously you are not under any obligation to talk more about this topic than you have already - I was just trying to say that I'd love to talk more about it, should you have the time/energy/inclination.
I want to talk, and didn't feel you were being demanding! It's just that it requires an actual investment of time and thought on my part, so I can't just dash something off in five minutes. ^_^;; I would like to maintain whatever good impression you have of my intelligence thus far . . .
Regarding his points on the relationship between identity and friendship, I think his main point is that there isn't really a relationship, and that is why the subject of friendship gets short shrift in today's scholarly environment
( ... )
that's a fascinating link about friendship - and good for you for standing up for your friends. i do find the idea of being expected to cancel plans just because your boy/girlfriend wants you to is just weird. who does that?
and i say this as someone who does do most things with my husband - neither of us would consider asking the other to cancel plans without a really good reason.
You and your boy are lucky in that you have overlapping spheres of friendship, I think. :-D But it's good, too, that you have that understanding with each other.
After falling out of love with someone for no discernible reason, I can honestly say I can't imagine that happening with a friend.
Relationships can be wonderful, but it exasperates me when people go on and on about their boyfriend/girlfriend and their whole sphere of existence seems to focus on that other person. I get it, I really do. But even when I was at my most happy in a relationship, neither of us would ever forget about spending time with friends. It just sucks that my ex happened to also be my best friend...*sigh*
(Sorry for the long/not particularly interesting comment!)
Why is everyone apologizing for commenting on this post?! No apologies, none! I'm happy to get comments, I really am!
Love, and by that I mean the in love kind, is a fickle thing. Why it happens is a mystery to begin with; why it should depart is equally mysterious. Losing a friend because of it is all the more awfully sad.
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Good girl. Just keep being puzzled about that, because it was very wrong of him to ask you to diss your friends in the first place. May I be so bold as to offer that you probably dodged a bullet of a control freak? Surely you've seen them.. the boyfriends (or girlfriends, it works both ways) who want to tell the other half of the relationship what to do all the time? It starts small like that, too. First it's separate you from your friends, then it's asking you not to go home to see your family, and it keeps going and going until you have no say in your life at all. That's no way to live.
So again I say well done, Grey. Bloody genius on your part.
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This is something I've experienced with many of my friends in the past, actually, where they have canceled plans with me in favor of spending time with their significant other. Sometimes I shrug and accept it, because it is the way the world is; sometimes it hurts a great deal. Most people award to their romantic partner the ranking of first in their heart, and usually a friend cannot hope for similar consideration. It's sad for someone like me to whom friendship is everything-- knowing that I can never be #1 in the hearts of those who are #1 in mine.
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I'm sorry for shooting my mouth off so quickly. I just... I see so many people who live these half-lives waiting for others to tell them what to do. It's sad.
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And I'm totally with you re: people who are too dependent on their SOs, or who have to hold a consultation before they make plans or decisions. What makes people accept such a situation voluntarily? I can't imagine having to ask someone for permission to do what I want, not now that I'm an adult.
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Thanks for linking - I am curious as to what your thoughts are wrt some of his points and particularly the relationship between identity and friendship. Additionally, do you have any opinion about what I was saying about the relationship between Achilles & Patroclus?
I went to the man's talk today and it was marvelous - I hope to write up my notes from the lecture at some point, but I am too drained right now to do it. The gist of his lecture was about the transformation of friendship from pre-modern (Greek) society to present-day (US) society. He discusses how formalized rituals and social structure for friendship have dropped away, which in turn alters how friendship is viewed. I came away inspired (and a little sad, but you know).
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Sorry! >_
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and i say this as someone who does do most things with my husband - neither of us would consider asking the other to cancel plans without a really good reason.
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he was part of the new group from the start.
that said, he's always very encouraging when i do make plans with friends that don't include him, which is good.
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Relationships can be wonderful, but it exasperates me when people go on and on about their boyfriend/girlfriend and their whole sphere of existence seems to focus on that other person. I get it, I really do. But even when I was at my most happy in a relationship, neither of us would ever forget about spending time with friends.
It just sucks that my ex happened to also be my best friend...*sigh*
(Sorry for the long/not particularly interesting comment!)
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Love, and by that I mean the in love kind, is a fickle thing. Why it happens is a mystery to begin with; why it should depart is equally mysterious. Losing a friend because of it is all the more awfully sad.
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