There's A Fault in Our Star
group: EXO feat. BIGBANG
characters: ot12, taeyang
rating: PG-13 for language
genre: Crack
word count: ~570
warnings: language, duizhang kris, I wrote this at 3am one day and it's kind of incoherent
a/n: wrote this a while ago, idk I just felt like taking the title sort of literally
Kris Kevin Li Yifan Jiaheng Wu Ben Ben Baller Duizhang Pimp Dragon Daddy struts along the fiery expanse of his domain, cape fluttering behind him, edges licking in flame.
“Are we warming the galaxy properly?” he asks, shooting a pointed glance at Chanyeol, who’s getting a little frisky with a certain controller of light, while their fellow ‘beagle line’ member watches with poorly-concealed mirth. “If the galaxy dies because of you, I’ll have your head.”
“Chanyeol gives great head!” Chen says, laughing.
“You should be honored to have it!” Baekhyun pipes, and Kris throws a wrench at his chest.
“Almighty Taeyang,” Kris swears, “I do not need to hear about your sexcapades. Just do your jobs!”
Chanyeol rolls his eyes, pressing a few buttons and spreading his palm flat on a panel, allowing his powers to flow through a giant beam into space, making sure the right amount of heat is given to each planet. Earth, he remembers, must be given a special amount of care (but then he ends up zapping them with a little too much heat when something down below gets a little too heated and he hopes that Almighty Taeyang’s okay with Earthlings being a little more shirtless today).
Baekhyun follows suit next to him, channeling his power of light to keep everything bright and happy. He fixates especially on a few nude beaches, cackling when he senses humans running at the intense light.
Chen, deciding that it’s summer and he doesn’t feel like causing any thunderstorms, sits back and takes a nap.
Kris pays them no heed; he doesn’t really give a shit about what those idiots do, as long as he doesn’t have to write a report for Almighty Taeyang.
Because that involves getting a mowhawk and taking off his shirt and he really doesn’t want to do that.
Next, he scopes out the rescue team, where a squad watches, ever-vigilant, to make sure that stray fans flying into the sun because of their oppas and unnies and hyungs and noonas (and pedo dongsaengs, but we don’t talk about that) are safely redirected back to their own planet.
He watches Luhan and Xiumin cool a girl down and send her back to Brazil, while Lay tends to a boy’s burns and Suho makes a cold compress.
Kris deems them normal, and stalks off to find their three youngest.
He finds them all asleep.
He leaves them alone, while Tao mutters feebly in his sleep for cake.
“Duizhang! Duizhang, we have a problem!”
Now, who was that one kid he was forgetting?
“DAMMIT DUIZHANG I’M SPEAKING TO YOU, DON’T MAKE ME PUT YOU IN A HEADLOCK.”
Oh, yeah.
D.O.
“What is it, D.O?” Kris asks. straightening his cape.
“Bad news, Duizhang… there’s a fault in our star.”
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?” Tao yelps, jolting straight up. “WHAT MELODRAMATIC HEART WRENCHING LOVE NOVEL ARE WE DISCUSSING NOW?”
“Shut the fuck up Tao, we’re talking business. Anyways, there’s a fault in our star and we’re all going to die.”
“What the-”
Suddenly, the first and last sunshake hits the sun, cleaving it apart with much crunching and groaning, killing the entire EXO colony immediately (luckily for Chanyeol, since he didn’t directly cause any demise, he’s spared from Kris’ wrath. Unfortunately, he still dies anyways.)
And from its midst, the Almighty Taeyang emerges, shirtless and toned in all his 5-foot-3-inch glory.
“The sun has risen.”