Tainted?
There once was a time where i could keep myself company, where i could have fun with a cardboard box, some markers, and some tape. A time where i was a child, and my brother was still my keeper, and my sister was a little brat. A time i like to think i was happy, but even then i was not so sure.
I sometimes wonder when the acquisition of money became part of the core of my being. When my daily worries became about getting out of debt and finding “independence”. I used to think is attributed to the loss of innocence . . . that it was just a part of growing up; but lately i’ve been thinking different. Perhaps i’m just tainted; tainted by something that was set into motion those many long years ago. A disease, which continually tries to take control like it has many others.
I battle the balance between independence and interdependence every day. Where does one draw the line? I cannot more live alone than spend an eternity in a bleak, dark empty room. I’ve grown up with conflicting views; growing up in a community of religion, where one learns to live with and for others, and yet being told to make it on my own; to be alone, to live alone, to be successful is to have money and be alone.
Perhaps he is right? we seek the acknowledgment and appreciation, or acceptance of those around us. Or maybe his own sentence contradicts itself, if we seek it so badly, why have we fought so much against following his footsteps? why have we struggled to analyze all the lessons and done what we could to try to avoid what we considered mistakes? Why do we walk a path that even we barely understand.
I have never had any problem, making money; seriously. It seems to flow around me like a seasonal river, sometimes gushing and flooding forth, sometimes trickling, but always present. I’ve fought against it controlling me, pushing it away almost as soon as it comes, giving it away to those who seem to need it more than myself, using it as a tool.
Sometimes it does get hold of me, sucking me into the depression of debt; putting me into one of the nameless masses of people struggling to live in society. A necessary evil, the bain of my existence . . . the consequences of success, not the result of it.
Will i make a lot of money in my life and life a comfortable existence? most likely. I continue on the path of a good career, seeking a place which enriches both my daily life as well as my pocketbook. I continually seek out the balance between money and life, between community and self.
Its the path i choose, maybe not consciously, those many years ago while i saw one close to me fall into the disease. As i watched the “family” i was taught to love grow sick and die, turning into shells of what i remember. (which, sadly, was perhaps just the naive view of a young boy). Most of all, i remember when the fangs of greed bit into me, and left me bleeding and alone . . . left to fend for myself. I remember those words that formed in my head which pushed me towards away from this place.
“I don’t want to be like HIM”
Words which still continue to ring true, perhaps for different reasons now and not as hateful and malicious; but its a life i choose not to emulate, and one i choose to reject.
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