Dancing fingers
It's the coffee, the waning hours sleep, repetative work, or the missed meals, but I shuffle on like i've never shuffled on before. I feel stronger than I ever have. But, I feel crazier too. I'm making money, and spending very little. I signed up for college, and I'll be starting soon. I haven't watched T.V. in a month, except for a bow-hunting show that's on every morning as I gulp down my coffee and roll a cigarette.
I don't know what I'm going towards, these days. "My life feels nuts" has become a standby of mine. I just say it when I don't have anything else. I have alot of doubt and regret about almost everything. Time was, I never got angry, really. I seem to get angry these days, maybe it's normal or not. I can't tell who I want my friends to be, and I can't decide if I want to be alone or not, most of the time. Part of me screams that I'm not cut-out for a real life, but I feel more functional that I have in years. And it almost makes me angry at what I've surrounded myself with. Sometime, I'd like to leave a wad of bills on the table, with a note to my parents saying "Thanks for all the help, I'll talk to you later." and just get the fuck out. I'm building up a bike, and I might paint it and love it like a child. I'm buying a longbow, and I can't wait for summer to hit. I might just go through the motions of life and zone out until then. Maybe I'll go to panama and stay at my uncle's farm; i'll wear short-shorts and tanktops while my muscles grow, and my skin darkens. Maybe my hair will grow longer and wilder. I sleep with my shirt off these days, too. And sometimes I shower just to feel the water. And every part of me is screaming "Get the fuck out". But, I do go on...
I don't know what I'm going towards, these days. "My life feels nuts" has become a standby of mine. I just say it when I don't have anything else. I have alot of doubt and regret about almost everything. Time was, I never got angry, really. I seem to get angry these days, maybe it's normal or not. I can't tell who I want my friends to be, and I can't decide if I want to be alone or not, most of the time. Part of me screams that I'm not cut-out for a real life, but I feel more functional that I have in years. And it almost makes me angry at what I've surrounded myself with. Sometime, I'd like to leave a wad of bills on the table, with a note to my parents saying "Thanks for all the help, I'll talk to you later." and just get the fuck out. I'm building up a bike, and I might paint it and love it like a child. I'm buying a longbow, and I can't wait for summer to hit. I might just go through the motions of life and zone out until then. Maybe I'll go to panama and stay at my uncle's farm; i'll wear short-shorts and tanktops while my muscles grow, and my skin darkens. Maybe my hair will grow longer and wilder. I sleep with my shirt off these days, too. And sometimes I shower just to feel the water. And every part of me is screaming "Get the fuck out". But, I do go on...