til it's over
Title: til it's over
Author: greysgurl
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4,200
Summary: In an instant, he saw a glimpse: a glimpse of a future when he’d see her again. Four different possibilities, four different outcomes, four different futures in which he’d lived without her. Jesse wonders when he'll see her again.
A/N: Just quickly, the times on the right at the beginning of every scene: that's the amount of years since the first scene, not from one another. Just thought you'd like to know! :D
The end
It’s such a scary place to start
He knew from the beginning that it would always have to end. But he never thought it’d end like this.
‘Jesse? What’s going on? I don’t understand...’
Rachel’s eyes were wide, confused, brimming with a million emotions. Her team surrounded her, a wounded look on Artie’s face, Quinn shaking her head grimly, Finn shaking with anger. But all he saw was her.
‘Jesse...’ she whispered.
‘Jesse! Let’s go!’ Shelby called sharply, ‘We’re warming up!’
He looked back at Rachel who’s face was still expectant and bewildered, ‘Rachel... let me...’
‘Jesse! Now! They’re not your friends, they’re not your team! Your job is done, we know everything we need to know. And now we have a Regionals to win. Let’s go!’
Suddenly Rachel’s hand pulled sharply away from his and he jerked his head toward her again.
‘Wait... Rach...’
She stepped back from him, her mouth set in a hard line, ‘You set me up.’
He nodded, his head hanging shamefully, ‘But Rachel, let me explain I...’
‘You set me up!’ she repeated, her voice swelling with anger, ‘All this time and you were just playing me! I believed you!’
‘Rachel,’ Mr Schuester stepped in, murmuring soothingly, one hand on her shoulder, ‘We’re in public. Let’s go okay?’
Rachel allowed herself to be guided away, but not before he glimpsed the sheen of tears in her eyes.
‘Wait... Rach...’
She didn’t look at him instead she continued to walk away in the opposite direction. Mr Schuester stood in front of him, his hands on his hips.
‘I think you’ve done enough damage Jesse. You should just leave now.”
He knew from the beginning it would always have to end. But from the end, he knew he’d see her again.
In an instant, he saw a glimpse: a glimpse of a future when he’d see her again. Four different possibilities, four different outcomes, four different futures in which he’d lived without her.
- one -
15 years later
Chicago
Cara was going to kill him. He couldn’t find half the items on the grocery list she’d given him, especially the special toothpaste that she swore was superior to the other kinds that were at least a dollar cheaper than hers. He’d been wandering aimlessly for about forty minutes in search of the seemingly endless and excessively specific list of items that his girlfriend requested. They’d only been dating for about a month and she had decided that it was high time that he met her friends, an occasion she’d mark by hosting a dinner party. So that’s why he was grocery shopping.
Idly he grappled with a bag of candy corn perched on a new Halloween display and he contemplated what Cara’s reaction would be if he brought it home. He’d been denied candy during his childhood, his aunt claiming that shining teeth and clear complexion was the only way he was going to make it in show business. But now that he worked in a corporate office, away from the harsh scrutiny of the spotlight, candy didn’t pose any risks to his career and he had a lifetime of candy-eating to catch up on.
A baby wailed the next aisle over and he grimaced as he rounded the corner, expecting to be facing a frumpy, middle aged woman wearing sweats with a gaggle of children in tow, like the women he often encountered in grocery stores on a Saturday morning. Instead, he was faced with his past.
She stood there, contemplating the shelves in front of her quietly. His heart caught in his throat and his mouth suddenly went dry: she was exactly the same.
Her hair was a little longer with delicate honey coloured highlights lightening her hair. She was cradling a fretting infant to her chest, swaying idly and patting it’s back as she looked. It seemed time had done no harm to Rachel Berry, her face was unlined and even without a lick of makeup she still looked beautiful - delicate shadows that circled her eyes were the only signs of time’s hands on her.
A pair of light jeans were resting on her hips and her sweater was form fitting - motherhood, as it seemed, had only made Rachel Berry more beautiful.
He made a move to turn away and move up the next aisle - Rachel Berry was a part of his past that he had no intentions of confronting. He wasn’t that dumb kid anymore, he’d changed.
As he moved to turn his eyes landed on the rack next to Rachel’s hip. Cara’s toothpaste.
Shit.
Heaving a sigh, he meandered up the aisle, quietly hoping to slip in, grab the toothpaste and the get the hell out of this grocery store without her seeing him. Besides, who was to say she’d even remember him? After all, for a girl like Rachel Berry he was just one of the first guys who broke her heart, but surely, not the last.
He stopped a few feet away from Rachel, so close to her that his heart thrummed nervously. He reached for the box he wanted surreptitiously and he had it in his basket before he heard a voice.
’Jesse St James? Is that you?’
He grimaced, turning, his stomach sinking. Caught out.
’Rachel Berry, as I live and breathe,’
She laughed quietly, tucking a strand of shiny hair behind her ear with her unoccupied hand, ‘I can’t believe I ran in to you - talk about weird coincidences.’
’Yeah,’ he chuckled, shoving his hands in his pockets, ‘You never know who you’re going to run into at the grocery store.’
’So how have you been? Gosh, you look amazing, I always wondered what happened to you!’
’I’ve been good, I’m uh, I’m an accountant and Berke and James, I’ve been there about three years now. How about you? You look like you’ve been occupied,’
Rachel smiled, shifting the baby onto her hip, which caused a sparkle of glimmering diamonds to catch under the halogen lights, ‘I’ve been really good. I quit my job a few years ago, I was working as a singer for wedding and such, but then, when I had Abigail I quit so I could stay at home with her. So now I’m doing the mommy circuit for now.’
‘Well,’ he smiled, ‘You look good.’
She smiled graciously, ‘Thank you, so do you’
She leant down, kissing the baby on the top of its head, before sighing softly. Jesse surveyed her, the softness in her dark eyes that had never been there in high school, the easy, relaxed way she held herself. And he realized that she’d finally found her place.
After fighting through the caste system of high school, after giving her all to a dream of show business, she’d found her place where she truly belonged. She was living proof that dreams changed and often for the better.
The baby began to fret again and Rachel pulled a face, ‘Okay cranky baby, we’ll get you home.’
She turned back to the shelf she was glancing at, tossing a box idly into the cart, but not before he saw it. Pregnancy test.
He quirked an eyebrow at her and she blushed, ‘Congratulations?’ he questioned.
She nodded softly, ‘I think so. I have a good feeling.’
The baby began to whimper again and Rachel shrugged. She placed the baby in the cart, and looked at him thoughtfully.
‘It was really nice to see you Jesse,’ she said wistfully, leaning forward to press a kiss to his cheek.
‘You too Rachel,’ he smiled, ‘Maybe some other time.’
‘I’d like that,’
With one final lift of a hand, Rachel, her baby and her perfect life trundled down the aisle away from him. He’d never see her again after that, but that was okay. She’d changed her dream, they both had, and yet, somehow they’d wound up in the perfect place for them.
- two -
3 years later
Los Angeles
He always did love the party scene
Back in his Vocal Adrenaline days they used to have their own parties - they were wild, raucous and often they ended only when the alcohol was all gone. He loved the feeling of walking through a crowded room knowing every eye was on him, every girl was angling for him and every guy was envying him. He loved the way girl’s would appear at his side, proffering different drinks (when this happened for the first time in ninth grade he’d been mortified) and he loved the way everyone moved when he chose where to sit.
He used to love the party scene back in Lima because he was always in charge.
It wasn’t quite the same here.
Three years into his time at UCLA and he’d never achieved that glory like he used to maintain in high school. He had friends - some, mostly fellow theatre geeks who didn’t like “maintstream parties” so he often found himself alone whenever he wanted to attend a wilder, freer party. More often than not he’d stand in the corner, cradling a cup of beer, watching the college football team dominate the spotlight. He had always dreamed that the party scene in LA would be better - when in reality it sucked.
So he wasn’t sure why he was here.
The music pounded around as he sat in his customary post, in the corner with a few of the shyer English lit majors. A blonde sorority girl was standing on a table in the middle of the room, dancing to the pulsating beat as the entire contents of the football team cheered her on. Just a typical night as it seemed.
His phone buzzed in his pocket and he glanced down, flicking it open. It was from one of his old Vocal Adrenaline team mates. He knew she was in LA for the weekend, visiting her boyfriend who was in a few of his classes.
J-man! How’ve u been? R u at the party tonight?
He glanced around him, wondering if she was here too.
Sure am. U?
When she replied almost instantaneously confirming it, he began to search the crowd curiously. Suddenly she broke through the crowd with a wide grin, ‘Jesse!’ she squealed, tossing her arms around his neck.
‘Hey, it’s good to see you.’
‘I have someone I want you to meet. She’s a freshman at Julliard - but she’s just got one of the secondary leads in our spring performance. She’s really cool, I think you’ll really like her.’
Jesse nodded, rolling his eyes. Setting him up with people was always Cristina’s favourite game even in high school.
Cristina disappeared back through the crowd and returned, toting a tiny brunette girl who looked entirely unwilling.
‘Jesse St James, meet Rachel Berry,’ she announced proudly, ‘You two are so similar it’s crazy. You could be the same person. Discuss!’
Like that, Rachel was deposited in front of him and Cristina disappeared.
‘Rachel,’ he breathed, ‘Hey, wow... so you go to Julliard now?’
Rachel looked up at him and her eyes were hard and relentless. Her mouth was set in a firm line and she said nothing.
‘It’s been ages since I’ve seen you,’ he continued valiantly, ‘You look good. How’s New York?’
Rachel said nothing, but glanced over at Cristina who was hovering a few feet away, watching excitedly.
‘Jesse,’ she sighed, ‘Don’t talk to me.’
He stepped back as if she’d slapped him, his eyes widening with shock.
‘Look, Rachel... I...’
‘I said don’t talk to me,’ she hissed through gritted teeth.
‘Rachel, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything that happened. I’m just... sorry. I’ve thought about you so much and I feel so...’
Rachel finally glanced up, looking him in the eye for the first time.
‘You’re sorry? Jesse, I don’t think you realize that when I said that girls like me would never forget heartbreak like that, that I meant it. So this time, I’m sorry just don’t cut it.’
‘But...’
She shook her head, stepping away from him, ‘This party was a mistake,’ she muttered, ‘Leave me alone Jesse,’
Like that she turned on her heel and stalked away, disappearing into the folds of the throbbing crowd. He stood motionless, watching her go.
He’d made the biggest mistake of his life and he’d never get the chance to let her know.
- three -
12 years later
Lima
It felt like nothing changed around here.
When he considered it further, he had to concede. Naturally things had changed a little since he’d graduated from high school: he’d changed allegiances (once again) and found himself at McKinley High and there was a new extension on the library and the choir room since his high school days. But everything else? Exactly the same.
It’d been the same for seven years, since he’d graduated from UCLA, failed on a daytime soap and returned home. And he’d been there ever since, in a slow, sluggish and monotonous routine.
The coffee brewed the same way in the staff room, with a low, hissing whine as it protested against its use. The door slammed brutally every time someone walked in: the sign that the maintenance staff hated the faculty and the left corner of the science wing still leaked every time it rained. Nothing ever changed around McKinley.
The same applied for the whole town of Lima. When he’d returned from California he’d been horrified (and secretly delighted) to find all his favourite teenage haunts were still around. The 7-11 was still owned by the same people, April Rhodes still wailed sharply on the side of the road with a bottle of wine in her hand, the Green Emerald still served minors alcohol. Nothing had changed.
‘Penny for your thoughts?’
A voice interrupted his reverie and Jesse blinked, heaving a sigh.
‘Hey Will,’ he greeted wearily, rubbing a hand over his eyes, ‘I must have fallen asleep there.’
‘Looks like you were having a pretty serious dream there. Everything alright?’ the older man asked kindly, sitting down beside him.
‘Yeah, I was just up all night marking compositions. These kids just aren’t getting it.’
‘Tell me about it,’ Will agreed, sipping from his coffee, ‘It’s so hard to get kids genuinely interested in the arts.’
It took Jesse’s all not to sigh again. That sounded like the same words a Will Schuester, 12 years younger, would have said. Not even Will Schuester had changed.
‘Will, do you ever feel like you’re just stuck? Like nothing’s ever going to change and you feel suffocated?’
‘Jesse, I’ve lived in this town my whole life, except for the four years I went to college. And even then I didn’t leave the state - you’re asking the wrong guy. I’m sure things do change though - you just don’t notice them.’
Before Jesse could open his mouth a petite brunette whirled into the room furiously. The staff looked up sluggishly and Jesse’s eyes locked on her.
He felt as if he’d been winded.
‘Excuse me, I’m looking for Mr Schuester,’ she demanded primly.
Jesse snapped his eyes to the teacher who was previously sitting beside him. He was gone and now shuffling across the room laughing.
‘Rachel Berry! Oh my god!’ he chuckled, ‘As I live and breathe!’
Rachel Berry smiled sweetly, engulfing her old mentor in a hug, ‘Mr Schuester! How have you been!’
The two launched into a long conversation and Jesse watched. She seemed so similar and yet, at the same time, so incredibly different.
Her hair was long and shiny, curled down her back loosely. She held herself comfortably: gone were the days of the over-eager, thrusted hips pose that she used to hold, the one that begged for attention. Now, she stood with poise, with a grace that simply demanded attention. Her face was different too - still beautiful, youthful and elegant, but her eyes held a richness, a veil of secrets and knowledge that he never used to see when she was sixteen. They were the eyes of a girl who had left Lima when she had the chance and never looked back.
‘Anyway, Mr Schuester, I was wondering if you were still running your Glee club?’
‘I am - but I’ve taken a back seat role. You’re better off talking to Jesse over here.’
Jesse looked up sharply again just as Rachel turned to look at him.
‘Oh my god! Jesse?’
She glided calmly over to him and he stood, allowing her to pull him into a hug. She pressed a kiss to his cheek fondly and held him at arm’s length to evaluate him.
‘You look good,’ she decided, ‘You teach here?’
‘Music and Drama,’ he confirmed with a nod, ‘Yeah, I’ve been here for about seven years.’
‘Wow, who would have thought a Carmel High boy, teaching at McKinley?’ she teased lightly, ‘You’ve come a long way.’
‘Something like that,’ he muttered, ‘So how have you been?’
‘Great!’Rachel gushed, ‘I’m living in New York at the moment - I’m playing Christine Daae in Phantom on Broadway at the moment, so it’s become nothing short of surreal.’
‘Congratulations,’ Jesse smiled, though his stomach lurched and his heart ached.
‘Rachel was saying that she wants to borrow your Glee Club - perhaps it’d be good experience for them,’ Will interrupted helpfully, as if sensing Jesse’s desire to flee.
‘Sure,’ he replied instead, putting on his serious interested face, ‘What were you thinking?’
‘Well, I’m getting married next week - that’s why I’m here in Lima, it was easier on my Dads to have it here, so I was thinking they could perform at my reception for an hour or two if you like.’
Jesse felt as if she’d just punched him in the stomach and his eyes slid down to the sparkling Harry Winston diamond on her finger.
‘Oh... wow... uh...’ he stammered uselessly, ‘Congratulations! On, you know, the wedding and everything.’
Rachel smiled graciously, tucking her hair behind her ear, ‘Thankyou. You’d like him, Sterling, I mean, he’s a lot like you - he’s actually playing Raoul opposite me at the moment.’
The blows kept coming - marrying a Broadway actor? Of course she was.
‘Well, congratulations. I’m sure my team would love to help out.’
Rachel beamed, ‘That would be so amazing. You should come too - come to the ceremony, I’d love to have you there, besides, there’ll be heaps of people you know .’
Jesse smiled uncomfortably, shoving his hands in his pockets, his stomach burning. Rachel glanced at her watch and winced.
‘I’m so sorry, I’ve got to run, I’ve got a bridesmaid dress fitting - two actresses and Quinn all in the same room. It’s going to be fun.’
She hugged Mr Schuester against fondly before pulling him into a warm embrace.
‘You really do look good Jesse - you haven’t changed at all. I hope I’ll see you next week.’
And with that she swept out of them room, leaving only a cloud of sweet perfume.
Rachel’s life had changed, sweeping her, tossing her around, hurtling her through the future, all the while changing her. And Jesse... Jesse hadn’t changed at all.
Schue turned to Jesse with a vague smile, ‘See? Look at Rachel. Not everything’s stayed the same.’
- four -
9 years later
Seattle
He knew something interesting was happening when even the kitchen fell quiet.
He worked in a busy cafe and day in day out there was always someone shouting, something being dropped, something being burned. He’d come to associate his job with noise because every night when he came home, his ears still rang. So when the kitchen fell silent while he was on his break, he knew something interesting must be happening outside.
As if on cue, one of his co-workers rushed up to him her eyes glowing excitedly, ‘Jesse, you’ll never guess who’s here! You’ll just never guess!’
‘Get back to work!’ their boss hollered, interrupting their conversation, ‘Act normal! She’s just a normal person okay? Be professional!’
The kitchen fell into a quietened hush and the waitresses gathered around together whispering excitedly.
‘I can’t believe she’s here in this place. I didn’t even know she was in Seattle at the moment.’
‘Yeah, don’t you remember, she’s filming in Seattle for her new movie. I saw it on Yahoo this morning.’
‘This is so exciting!’
The boss barked at them sharply and they scattered, all disappearing out into the restaurant to serve someone.
Suddenly a dull roar came from outside the front and Jesse peered through the little window from the kitchen, out onto the street. Pressed, packed like sardines, against the glass wall were shouting paparazzi, camera’s held aloft, bulbs flashing, mouths open mid-yell.
Jesse cocked an eyebrow - that was evidently some famous person for there to be this much of a reaction. He hoisted himself up on a bench, fiddling idly with a knife beside him.
The roar quieted again and he heard the kitchen door swing open. A small brunette woman was standing in the kitchen doorway, large sunglasses covering her eyes, her long tresses falling over the rest of her face.
‘Oh... sorry,’ she murmured, ‘They told me there was no one in the kitchen.’
Her voice was lilted and honeyed and there was a quality to it that made him feel warm. She looked trapped and she glanced between the restaurant and the potential for escape.
‘No, that’s okay. I’m on my break, so he probably forgot about me.’
‘I’ll just... uh...’ she said, turning back to walk back where she came from.
‘No, don’t worry, I’ll show you the back door - you can slip out without them even knowing.’
Her warm smile was genuinely grateful as she tugged off her sunglasses. He looked at her and it was like a blow to the stomach.
Breathless, he stared.
‘Rachel?’ he breathed, ‘I didn’t realize it was...’
She stared at him blankly for a moment, making it evident that the joy of having strangers recognize you, had worn off for Rachel.
‘It’s uh... it’s me, Jesse St James? We used to...’
Rachel’s eyes lit up and her smile grew exponentially, ‘Jesse! Oh my god, I didn’t even recognize you! Oh, wow, it’s so amazing to see you!’
‘So you’re uh... you’re in Seattle now,’
‘Only for the fortnight - I’ve got a few on location shoots to do and then back to LA for me. You live in Seattle now?’
‘I do... I’m playing a few local gigs in my band and working here,’ he stated, feeling the burn of shame even as he said the words.
‘Oh... well, that’s cool. You always were really gifted at music.’
She glanced at her watch, suddenly looking worried, ‘I’ve got to go Jesse. I’m going to be late for dinner with the French ambassador’s daughter if I don’t get out of here.’
His stomach sunk with an odd sense of disappointment and he nodded, ‘Well, let me show you to the backdoor.’
She smiled warmly and followed him without another word. When they stood at the door, she paused, a warm, sentimental smile playing on her lips.
‘It was really nice to see you Jesse,’ she mused, ‘I always did wonder what happened to you.’
She leant up, pressing a kiss to his cheek, standing so close that he could smell her perfume and she squeezed him briefly.
‘Take care Jesse,’ she said.
Then she pulled her sunglasses over her eyes and slipped out the door. The shouts erupted immediately and the paparazzi converged on her. He watched her as the back of her head disappeared into the throng and he sighed.
There was nothing more startling than being faced with your past - he was happy for her, she was exactly where she had always wanted to be. He’d known for a long time that not everyone could live the dream and he was glad that if it couldn’t be him - that at least it was her. She was one who
deserved it.
Back in present time, Jesse blinked, becoming aware once more. The four possibilities disappeared and he looked up, to see Rachel walking away. She slipped into the bustling throng, flanked by the ever-loyal Finn. Mr Schuester shot a warning glance back at him and he stayed, rooted precisely where he was. He wanted to chase, he wanted to grab her, hold her close until she understood. He wanted things to be different.
Instead, he watched until she was finally enveloped by the crowd and she disappeared from his sight. Who knew when he was going to see her again, but he knew without a doubt that he would. If he chased after her now their futures would change forever and he didn’t want to risk her future and her dreams. They see each other again: it was, and they were, inevitable.
It’s not over til it’s over
Every ending’s a new beginning
Author: greysgurl
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4,200
Summary: In an instant, he saw a glimpse: a glimpse of a future when he’d see her again. Four different possibilities, four different outcomes, four different futures in which he’d lived without her. Jesse wonders when he'll see her again.
A/N: Just quickly, the times on the right at the beginning of every scene: that's the amount of years since the first scene, not from one another. Just thought you'd like to know! :D
The end
It’s such a scary place to start
He knew from the beginning that it would always have to end. But he never thought it’d end like this.
‘Jesse? What’s going on? I don’t understand...’
Rachel’s eyes were wide, confused, brimming with a million emotions. Her team surrounded her, a wounded look on Artie’s face, Quinn shaking her head grimly, Finn shaking with anger. But all he saw was her.
‘Jesse...’ she whispered.
‘Jesse! Let’s go!’ Shelby called sharply, ‘We’re warming up!’
He looked back at Rachel who’s face was still expectant and bewildered, ‘Rachel... let me...’
‘Jesse! Now! They’re not your friends, they’re not your team! Your job is done, we know everything we need to know. And now we have a Regionals to win. Let’s go!’
Suddenly Rachel’s hand pulled sharply away from his and he jerked his head toward her again.
‘Wait... Rach...’
She stepped back from him, her mouth set in a hard line, ‘You set me up.’
He nodded, his head hanging shamefully, ‘But Rachel, let me explain I...’
‘You set me up!’ she repeated, her voice swelling with anger, ‘All this time and you were just playing me! I believed you!’
‘Rachel,’ Mr Schuester stepped in, murmuring soothingly, one hand on her shoulder, ‘We’re in public. Let’s go okay?’
Rachel allowed herself to be guided away, but not before he glimpsed the sheen of tears in her eyes.
‘Wait... Rach...’
She didn’t look at him instead she continued to walk away in the opposite direction. Mr Schuester stood in front of him, his hands on his hips.
‘I think you’ve done enough damage Jesse. You should just leave now.”
He knew from the beginning it would always have to end. But from the end, he knew he’d see her again.
In an instant, he saw a glimpse: a glimpse of a future when he’d see her again. Four different possibilities, four different outcomes, four different futures in which he’d lived without her.
- one -
15 years later
Chicago
Cara was going to kill him. He couldn’t find half the items on the grocery list she’d given him, especially the special toothpaste that she swore was superior to the other kinds that were at least a dollar cheaper than hers. He’d been wandering aimlessly for about forty minutes in search of the seemingly endless and excessively specific list of items that his girlfriend requested. They’d only been dating for about a month and she had decided that it was high time that he met her friends, an occasion she’d mark by hosting a dinner party. So that’s why he was grocery shopping.
Idly he grappled with a bag of candy corn perched on a new Halloween display and he contemplated what Cara’s reaction would be if he brought it home. He’d been denied candy during his childhood, his aunt claiming that shining teeth and clear complexion was the only way he was going to make it in show business. But now that he worked in a corporate office, away from the harsh scrutiny of the spotlight, candy didn’t pose any risks to his career and he had a lifetime of candy-eating to catch up on.
A baby wailed the next aisle over and he grimaced as he rounded the corner, expecting to be facing a frumpy, middle aged woman wearing sweats with a gaggle of children in tow, like the women he often encountered in grocery stores on a Saturday morning. Instead, he was faced with his past.
She stood there, contemplating the shelves in front of her quietly. His heart caught in his throat and his mouth suddenly went dry: she was exactly the same.
Her hair was a little longer with delicate honey coloured highlights lightening her hair. She was cradling a fretting infant to her chest, swaying idly and patting it’s back as she looked. It seemed time had done no harm to Rachel Berry, her face was unlined and even without a lick of makeup she still looked beautiful - delicate shadows that circled her eyes were the only signs of time’s hands on her.
A pair of light jeans were resting on her hips and her sweater was form fitting - motherhood, as it seemed, had only made Rachel Berry more beautiful.
He made a move to turn away and move up the next aisle - Rachel Berry was a part of his past that he had no intentions of confronting. He wasn’t that dumb kid anymore, he’d changed.
As he moved to turn his eyes landed on the rack next to Rachel’s hip. Cara’s toothpaste.
Shit.
Heaving a sigh, he meandered up the aisle, quietly hoping to slip in, grab the toothpaste and the get the hell out of this grocery store without her seeing him. Besides, who was to say she’d even remember him? After all, for a girl like Rachel Berry he was just one of the first guys who broke her heart, but surely, not the last.
He stopped a few feet away from Rachel, so close to her that his heart thrummed nervously. He reached for the box he wanted surreptitiously and he had it in his basket before he heard a voice.
’Jesse St James? Is that you?’
He grimaced, turning, his stomach sinking. Caught out.
’Rachel Berry, as I live and breathe,’
She laughed quietly, tucking a strand of shiny hair behind her ear with her unoccupied hand, ‘I can’t believe I ran in to you - talk about weird coincidences.’
’Yeah,’ he chuckled, shoving his hands in his pockets, ‘You never know who you’re going to run into at the grocery store.’
’So how have you been? Gosh, you look amazing, I always wondered what happened to you!’
’I’ve been good, I’m uh, I’m an accountant and Berke and James, I’ve been there about three years now. How about you? You look like you’ve been occupied,’
Rachel smiled, shifting the baby onto her hip, which caused a sparkle of glimmering diamonds to catch under the halogen lights, ‘I’ve been really good. I quit my job a few years ago, I was working as a singer for wedding and such, but then, when I had Abigail I quit so I could stay at home with her. So now I’m doing the mommy circuit for now.’
‘Well,’ he smiled, ‘You look good.’
She smiled graciously, ‘Thank you, so do you’
She leant down, kissing the baby on the top of its head, before sighing softly. Jesse surveyed her, the softness in her dark eyes that had never been there in high school, the easy, relaxed way she held herself. And he realized that she’d finally found her place.
After fighting through the caste system of high school, after giving her all to a dream of show business, she’d found her place where she truly belonged. She was living proof that dreams changed and often for the better.
The baby began to fret again and Rachel pulled a face, ‘Okay cranky baby, we’ll get you home.’
She turned back to the shelf she was glancing at, tossing a box idly into the cart, but not before he saw it. Pregnancy test.
He quirked an eyebrow at her and she blushed, ‘Congratulations?’ he questioned.
She nodded softly, ‘I think so. I have a good feeling.’
The baby began to whimper again and Rachel shrugged. She placed the baby in the cart, and looked at him thoughtfully.
‘It was really nice to see you Jesse,’ she said wistfully, leaning forward to press a kiss to his cheek.
‘You too Rachel,’ he smiled, ‘Maybe some other time.’
‘I’d like that,’
With one final lift of a hand, Rachel, her baby and her perfect life trundled down the aisle away from him. He’d never see her again after that, but that was okay. She’d changed her dream, they both had, and yet, somehow they’d wound up in the perfect place for them.
- two -
3 years later
Los Angeles
He always did love the party scene
Back in his Vocal Adrenaline days they used to have their own parties - they were wild, raucous and often they ended only when the alcohol was all gone. He loved the feeling of walking through a crowded room knowing every eye was on him, every girl was angling for him and every guy was envying him. He loved the way girl’s would appear at his side, proffering different drinks (when this happened for the first time in ninth grade he’d been mortified) and he loved the way everyone moved when he chose where to sit.
He used to love the party scene back in Lima because he was always in charge.
It wasn’t quite the same here.
Three years into his time at UCLA and he’d never achieved that glory like he used to maintain in high school. He had friends - some, mostly fellow theatre geeks who didn’t like “maintstream parties” so he often found himself alone whenever he wanted to attend a wilder, freer party. More often than not he’d stand in the corner, cradling a cup of beer, watching the college football team dominate the spotlight. He had always dreamed that the party scene in LA would be better - when in reality it sucked.
So he wasn’t sure why he was here.
The music pounded around as he sat in his customary post, in the corner with a few of the shyer English lit majors. A blonde sorority girl was standing on a table in the middle of the room, dancing to the pulsating beat as the entire contents of the football team cheered her on. Just a typical night as it seemed.
His phone buzzed in his pocket and he glanced down, flicking it open. It was from one of his old Vocal Adrenaline team mates. He knew she was in LA for the weekend, visiting her boyfriend who was in a few of his classes.
J-man! How’ve u been? R u at the party tonight?
He glanced around him, wondering if she was here too.
Sure am. U?
When she replied almost instantaneously confirming it, he began to search the crowd curiously. Suddenly she broke through the crowd with a wide grin, ‘Jesse!’ she squealed, tossing her arms around his neck.
‘Hey, it’s good to see you.’
‘I have someone I want you to meet. She’s a freshman at Julliard - but she’s just got one of the secondary leads in our spring performance. She’s really cool, I think you’ll really like her.’
Jesse nodded, rolling his eyes. Setting him up with people was always Cristina’s favourite game even in high school.
Cristina disappeared back through the crowd and returned, toting a tiny brunette girl who looked entirely unwilling.
‘Jesse St James, meet Rachel Berry,’ she announced proudly, ‘You two are so similar it’s crazy. You could be the same person. Discuss!’
Like that, Rachel was deposited in front of him and Cristina disappeared.
‘Rachel,’ he breathed, ‘Hey, wow... so you go to Julliard now?’
Rachel looked up at him and her eyes were hard and relentless. Her mouth was set in a firm line and she said nothing.
‘It’s been ages since I’ve seen you,’ he continued valiantly, ‘You look good. How’s New York?’
Rachel said nothing, but glanced over at Cristina who was hovering a few feet away, watching excitedly.
‘Jesse,’ she sighed, ‘Don’t talk to me.’
He stepped back as if she’d slapped him, his eyes widening with shock.
‘Look, Rachel... I...’
‘I said don’t talk to me,’ she hissed through gritted teeth.
‘Rachel, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything that happened. I’m just... sorry. I’ve thought about you so much and I feel so...’
Rachel finally glanced up, looking him in the eye for the first time.
‘You’re sorry? Jesse, I don’t think you realize that when I said that girls like me would never forget heartbreak like that, that I meant it. So this time, I’m sorry just don’t cut it.’
‘But...’
She shook her head, stepping away from him, ‘This party was a mistake,’ she muttered, ‘Leave me alone Jesse,’
Like that she turned on her heel and stalked away, disappearing into the folds of the throbbing crowd. He stood motionless, watching her go.
He’d made the biggest mistake of his life and he’d never get the chance to let her know.
- three -
12 years later
Lima
It felt like nothing changed around here.
When he considered it further, he had to concede. Naturally things had changed a little since he’d graduated from high school: he’d changed allegiances (once again) and found himself at McKinley High and there was a new extension on the library and the choir room since his high school days. But everything else? Exactly the same.
It’d been the same for seven years, since he’d graduated from UCLA, failed on a daytime soap and returned home. And he’d been there ever since, in a slow, sluggish and monotonous routine.
The coffee brewed the same way in the staff room, with a low, hissing whine as it protested against its use. The door slammed brutally every time someone walked in: the sign that the maintenance staff hated the faculty and the left corner of the science wing still leaked every time it rained. Nothing ever changed around McKinley.
The same applied for the whole town of Lima. When he’d returned from California he’d been horrified (and secretly delighted) to find all his favourite teenage haunts were still around. The 7-11 was still owned by the same people, April Rhodes still wailed sharply on the side of the road with a bottle of wine in her hand, the Green Emerald still served minors alcohol. Nothing had changed.
‘Penny for your thoughts?’
A voice interrupted his reverie and Jesse blinked, heaving a sigh.
‘Hey Will,’ he greeted wearily, rubbing a hand over his eyes, ‘I must have fallen asleep there.’
‘Looks like you were having a pretty serious dream there. Everything alright?’ the older man asked kindly, sitting down beside him.
‘Yeah, I was just up all night marking compositions. These kids just aren’t getting it.’
‘Tell me about it,’ Will agreed, sipping from his coffee, ‘It’s so hard to get kids genuinely interested in the arts.’
It took Jesse’s all not to sigh again. That sounded like the same words a Will Schuester, 12 years younger, would have said. Not even Will Schuester had changed.
‘Will, do you ever feel like you’re just stuck? Like nothing’s ever going to change and you feel suffocated?’
‘Jesse, I’ve lived in this town my whole life, except for the four years I went to college. And even then I didn’t leave the state - you’re asking the wrong guy. I’m sure things do change though - you just don’t notice them.’
Before Jesse could open his mouth a petite brunette whirled into the room furiously. The staff looked up sluggishly and Jesse’s eyes locked on her.
He felt as if he’d been winded.
‘Excuse me, I’m looking for Mr Schuester,’ she demanded primly.
Jesse snapped his eyes to the teacher who was previously sitting beside him. He was gone and now shuffling across the room laughing.
‘Rachel Berry! Oh my god!’ he chuckled, ‘As I live and breathe!’
Rachel Berry smiled sweetly, engulfing her old mentor in a hug, ‘Mr Schuester! How have you been!’
The two launched into a long conversation and Jesse watched. She seemed so similar and yet, at the same time, so incredibly different.
Her hair was long and shiny, curled down her back loosely. She held herself comfortably: gone were the days of the over-eager, thrusted hips pose that she used to hold, the one that begged for attention. Now, she stood with poise, with a grace that simply demanded attention. Her face was different too - still beautiful, youthful and elegant, but her eyes held a richness, a veil of secrets and knowledge that he never used to see when she was sixteen. They were the eyes of a girl who had left Lima when she had the chance and never looked back.
‘Anyway, Mr Schuester, I was wondering if you were still running your Glee club?’
‘I am - but I’ve taken a back seat role. You’re better off talking to Jesse over here.’
Jesse looked up sharply again just as Rachel turned to look at him.
‘Oh my god! Jesse?’
She glided calmly over to him and he stood, allowing her to pull him into a hug. She pressed a kiss to his cheek fondly and held him at arm’s length to evaluate him.
‘You look good,’ she decided, ‘You teach here?’
‘Music and Drama,’ he confirmed with a nod, ‘Yeah, I’ve been here for about seven years.’
‘Wow, who would have thought a Carmel High boy, teaching at McKinley?’ she teased lightly, ‘You’ve come a long way.’
‘Something like that,’ he muttered, ‘So how have you been?’
‘Great!’Rachel gushed, ‘I’m living in New York at the moment - I’m playing Christine Daae in Phantom on Broadway at the moment, so it’s become nothing short of surreal.’
‘Congratulations,’ Jesse smiled, though his stomach lurched and his heart ached.
‘Rachel was saying that she wants to borrow your Glee Club - perhaps it’d be good experience for them,’ Will interrupted helpfully, as if sensing Jesse’s desire to flee.
‘Sure,’ he replied instead, putting on his serious interested face, ‘What were you thinking?’
‘Well, I’m getting married next week - that’s why I’m here in Lima, it was easier on my Dads to have it here, so I was thinking they could perform at my reception for an hour or two if you like.’
Jesse felt as if she’d just punched him in the stomach and his eyes slid down to the sparkling Harry Winston diamond on her finger.
‘Oh... wow... uh...’ he stammered uselessly, ‘Congratulations! On, you know, the wedding and everything.’
Rachel smiled graciously, tucking her hair behind her ear, ‘Thankyou. You’d like him, Sterling, I mean, he’s a lot like you - he’s actually playing Raoul opposite me at the moment.’
The blows kept coming - marrying a Broadway actor? Of course she was.
‘Well, congratulations. I’m sure my team would love to help out.’
Rachel beamed, ‘That would be so amazing. You should come too - come to the ceremony, I’d love to have you there, besides, there’ll be heaps of people you know .’
Jesse smiled uncomfortably, shoving his hands in his pockets, his stomach burning. Rachel glanced at her watch and winced.
‘I’m so sorry, I’ve got to run, I’ve got a bridesmaid dress fitting - two actresses and Quinn all in the same room. It’s going to be fun.’
She hugged Mr Schuester against fondly before pulling him into a warm embrace.
‘You really do look good Jesse - you haven’t changed at all. I hope I’ll see you next week.’
And with that she swept out of them room, leaving only a cloud of sweet perfume.
Rachel’s life had changed, sweeping her, tossing her around, hurtling her through the future, all the while changing her. And Jesse... Jesse hadn’t changed at all.
Schue turned to Jesse with a vague smile, ‘See? Look at Rachel. Not everything’s stayed the same.’
- four -
9 years later
Seattle
He knew something interesting was happening when even the kitchen fell quiet.
He worked in a busy cafe and day in day out there was always someone shouting, something being dropped, something being burned. He’d come to associate his job with noise because every night when he came home, his ears still rang. So when the kitchen fell silent while he was on his break, he knew something interesting must be happening outside.
As if on cue, one of his co-workers rushed up to him her eyes glowing excitedly, ‘Jesse, you’ll never guess who’s here! You’ll just never guess!’
‘Get back to work!’ their boss hollered, interrupting their conversation, ‘Act normal! She’s just a normal person okay? Be professional!’
The kitchen fell into a quietened hush and the waitresses gathered around together whispering excitedly.
‘I can’t believe she’s here in this place. I didn’t even know she was in Seattle at the moment.’
‘Yeah, don’t you remember, she’s filming in Seattle for her new movie. I saw it on Yahoo this morning.’
‘This is so exciting!’
The boss barked at them sharply and they scattered, all disappearing out into the restaurant to serve someone.
Suddenly a dull roar came from outside the front and Jesse peered through the little window from the kitchen, out onto the street. Pressed, packed like sardines, against the glass wall were shouting paparazzi, camera’s held aloft, bulbs flashing, mouths open mid-yell.
Jesse cocked an eyebrow - that was evidently some famous person for there to be this much of a reaction. He hoisted himself up on a bench, fiddling idly with a knife beside him.
The roar quieted again and he heard the kitchen door swing open. A small brunette woman was standing in the kitchen doorway, large sunglasses covering her eyes, her long tresses falling over the rest of her face.
‘Oh... sorry,’ she murmured, ‘They told me there was no one in the kitchen.’
Her voice was lilted and honeyed and there was a quality to it that made him feel warm. She looked trapped and she glanced between the restaurant and the potential for escape.
‘No, that’s okay. I’m on my break, so he probably forgot about me.’
‘I’ll just... uh...’ she said, turning back to walk back where she came from.
‘No, don’t worry, I’ll show you the back door - you can slip out without them even knowing.’
Her warm smile was genuinely grateful as she tugged off her sunglasses. He looked at her and it was like a blow to the stomach.
Breathless, he stared.
‘Rachel?’ he breathed, ‘I didn’t realize it was...’
She stared at him blankly for a moment, making it evident that the joy of having strangers recognize you, had worn off for Rachel.
‘It’s uh... it’s me, Jesse St James? We used to...’
Rachel’s eyes lit up and her smile grew exponentially, ‘Jesse! Oh my god, I didn’t even recognize you! Oh, wow, it’s so amazing to see you!’
‘So you’re uh... you’re in Seattle now,’
‘Only for the fortnight - I’ve got a few on location shoots to do and then back to LA for me. You live in Seattle now?’
‘I do... I’m playing a few local gigs in my band and working here,’ he stated, feeling the burn of shame even as he said the words.
‘Oh... well, that’s cool. You always were really gifted at music.’
She glanced at her watch, suddenly looking worried, ‘I’ve got to go Jesse. I’m going to be late for dinner with the French ambassador’s daughter if I don’t get out of here.’
His stomach sunk with an odd sense of disappointment and he nodded, ‘Well, let me show you to the backdoor.’
She smiled warmly and followed him without another word. When they stood at the door, she paused, a warm, sentimental smile playing on her lips.
‘It was really nice to see you Jesse,’ she mused, ‘I always did wonder what happened to you.’
She leant up, pressing a kiss to his cheek, standing so close that he could smell her perfume and she squeezed him briefly.
‘Take care Jesse,’ she said.
Then she pulled her sunglasses over her eyes and slipped out the door. The shouts erupted immediately and the paparazzi converged on her. He watched her as the back of her head disappeared into the throng and he sighed.
There was nothing more startling than being faced with your past - he was happy for her, she was exactly where she had always wanted to be. He’d known for a long time that not everyone could live the dream and he was glad that if it couldn’t be him - that at least it was her. She was one who
deserved it.
Back in present time, Jesse blinked, becoming aware once more. The four possibilities disappeared and he looked up, to see Rachel walking away. She slipped into the bustling throng, flanked by the ever-loyal Finn. Mr Schuester shot a warning glance back at him and he stayed, rooted precisely where he was. He wanted to chase, he wanted to grab her, hold her close until she understood. He wanted things to be different.
Instead, he watched until she was finally enveloped by the crowd and she disappeared from his sight. Who knew when he was going to see her again, but he knew without a doubt that he would. If he chased after her now their futures would change forever and he didn’t want to risk her future and her dreams. They see each other again: it was, and they were, inevitable.
It’s not over til it’s over
Every ending’s a new beginning