Breathe Me, Cold Case fanfiction
Title: Breathe Me
Rating: T
Summary: The multi-chapter I've been promising you forever. Starts right where the finale left us. L/S. Lilly has to take care of her niece for a while.
One
She's never liked hospitals, for one reason or another… the smell gets right down her throat and the ringing silence into her ears, and the bright light stings her eyes. She's had a fair few run ins with the hospitals over the years, being the patient herself, everything from a broken arm at age five - her mother had been too busy flirting with the man working at the ice-cream stand to watch her on the swings - to the near fatal gunshot wound from a few years before - she'll never forget how the cold felt washing over her. But being in the waiting room, that hadn't become so common to her, and somehow, in some inexplicable twist, it is almost harder.
She can't get the grey tinge of Christina's face out of her head, the weak, starving cries of the tiny baby girl, the bruises on her sister's side she'd seen when Scotty lifted her and the hem of her T-shirt raised slightly. She can't seem to stop the nausea rising in her throat as she imagines the possibilities - what if she hadn't gotten there in time, what if she'd been too late, what if she hadn't heard the baby crying?
And then there's the darker imaginings, almost, the ones she knows she'll torture herself with for the foreseeable future - what if she'd been better to Christina her whole life? What if she hadn't helped to drive her away? What if she'd been less sheltered, less naïve, when she'd first seen her in the diner, what if she'd realised what was wrong then - might she have got there in time? What if she'd turned up at Christina's motel room earlier? Scenarios fly wildly in her, and without noticing, she's clenching and unclenching her fists.
"Lil…" she hears Scotty say, his voice low, almost like he's scared to speak. She'd almost forgotten for a moment, that he was still there with her. Once he'd driven them to the hospital she'd offered him his way out, told him to go home, but he'd done nothing but laugh dryly at her and follow her inside. She turns her face up to his, and there's pain in his eyes, they look as she imagines hers do, his eyebrows furrowed, his eyes tired and full of bewilderment, fatigue. She can't even bring herself to say anything, simply holds his gaze for a moment, lets her hands relax, realising the concern in his voice is for her as much as for her sister and for the baby.
He's pacing, and she wishes he would stop pacing, because her eyes are following him up and down the waiting room, and she can't seem to get her thoughts in order whilst she's watching him.
Then again, maybe that's a good thing. She can't imagine a pathway her thoughts might take right now that would lead her anywhere painless, anywhere peaceful. He glances at her every few seconds, resumes his pacing, looking around as if an answer to one of his questions might appear out of thin air, out of the silence. The waiting room is almost deserted, it's nearly eleven at night, and they're not in the ER anymore, but in the on-call OBGYN department. Lilly can hardly focus the memory from only about an hour before, when the doctors, all stern, emotionless faces and concerned eyes, took Christina in one direction and took the little girl out of her arms and in the other direction, one of them asking her something about calling the police, to which she'd been unable to answer until Scotty pulled out his badge and said something in a hushed tone that she hadn't quite been able to hone in on, either.
Everything is crumbling, she decides, she's finally going mad.
At last, he sinks into the hard plastic chair beside her, resting his hands on the arms of the chair, tapping his fingers slightly.
"They'll be alright…" he whispers, and she nods her head… too quickly. They don't look at one another, but he reaches out a hand and places it on her arm. "We got to them in time, Lil. They'll be fine."
She isn't sure where the turning point was, any of the turning points for that matter - she isn't sure when he stopped being the mildly irritating ex-narcs cop, and started being her partner. She isn't sure when he stopped being just her partner and started being her friend, and she sure as hell doesn't know when he stopped being just her friend and started knowing exactly what she was thinking, and exactly what she needed him to say. But she breathes slowly, his touch calming her slightly, bringing the threads of her thoughts into coherence again, and nods slightly, this time more sincere, as if Scotty telling her something would make it true.
They sit like that, neither of them saying anything, for minutes, and they both watch a heavily pregnant woman leaving one of the consulting rooms, flushed in the face and gripping the hand of a child no older than two, slightly stooped with the extra weight.
"What happens now?" Lilly manages to breathe, and they turn their heads at the same moment, their eyes meeting. The vulnerability in her eyes shocks him into silence for a moment, but there's pleading in her face, like she needs his answer more than anything.
"One step at a time, Lil." He murmurs.
He suddenly has a thousand things to say, in that moment, with Lilly Rush beside him, looking far more open than she had in the seven years he'd known her, but he is interrupted.
"Ms Rush?" A tired looking balding doctor stands in the doorway of one of the consulting rooms, eyes scanning the waiting room. Lilly turns away immediately, standing up, walking towards him.
"How is she?" she breathes, heart thumping in her chest, fists tense and clenched again.
"Not bad, given the circumstances. You can come through and see her now." The doctor says, his face still grave, giving nothing away. Lilly glances back at Scotty, and he gives her a small smile.
"I'll be right here." he says, as if she was asking for his reassurance, and she walks into her sister's hospital room.
The first thing Lilly thinks is how small Christina looks, attached to the IV and swamped in an oversized hospital gown. For a moment, she looks no different to the six-and-a-half year old that brought her big sister a roughly hacked ham sandwich the day after her attack, which she couldn't eat anyway with her broken jaw, but she crumbled up and threw it out of the window for the birds, so as not to hurt Christina's feelings.
The younger Rush sister looks up at Lilly through wide, scared eyes, and Lilly feels the pangs of guilt in her stomach, as if somehow there was something more she could have done.
"Chris…" she breathes, perching on the side of the bed beside her sister, half wringing her hands, almost at a loss as to what to say. Christina's face and arms, what Lilly can see of them, are black and blue, and it looks as if it's painful every time she breathes.
"I'm… I'm so sorry…" she manages to murmur, clasping her sister's hand in her own, staring down at their fingers, melded together. Lilly's slightly paler, slightly rougher, her fingers slightly longer and thinner. Unimpressive differences, really. Not enough to define quite why Lilly wasn't there to save her sister, why there's this rift between them she's not sure will ever close. A rift defined by so many things - a subconscious resent at losing a childhood mothering both a mother and a little sister, an unfaithful fiancé, money, taken without so much as a word, the man in the waiting room… that thought flits through her mind without leaving much in its wake, because today's gone beyond worrying about things like that.
When she looks up, there are tear tracks running down Christina's face, and she's chewing her lip like she always had done when she had something to say. Lilly opens her mouth to say something, but her sister gets there first.
"It's not your fault, Lil…" a tiny, bitter smile touches her lips, "It's never been your fault, not any of it… I ruin everything I touch, Lil… I can't seem to help it… I've always been the one that's ruined everything between us…"
"Chris, it doesn't-"
Christina holds up a hand, weakly. "Don't you go saying it doesn't matter. We both know that I've ruined more than one thing for you, and it's me who should be sorry, not you…" she takes a deep, shaky breath, broken ribs restricting her sighs. "She's the only good thing I've ever done… her name's Eleanor… Ellie Lilly Rush… she's almost eight months old…" Lilly watches her eyes well up, her fingers clench and unclench in a gesture she guesses is somehow genetic, "It scares me how much I love her, Lil… I've never understood Mom until now, but I… I love her, but I'm no good for her…"
"We'll figure it out, Chris. You'll be able to be a mother to her…"
Christina shakes her head, and Lilly sees her fingers shaking as they grip the thin hospital sheets. "Not like this. I'm not leaving this hospital 'til I'm clean. I've already spoken to one of the doctors… I can go straight from here to the rehabilitation ward…" those big wide eyes stare up at her sister, "I have to do this, Lil."
There's a silence hanging over the hospital room as Lilly realises this might be the first selfless thing her sister has ever tried to do, and Christina tries to figure out how to ask her sister for one more thing, when she's spent her whole life asking for favours she can't even pay for in sisterhood, in friendship.
"Will you take Ellie?" she whispers, and the last semblance of colour drains from Lilly's face, her heart thuds, her body goes cold.
Will you take Ellie? Christina had asked so much of her throughout her life, and nothing had ever come close to being as much as this.
"I don't know, Chris, I'd be terrible at looking after a baby…"
"Please, Lil, you're all she has… I can't stay here unless I know there's someone to take care of her…"
Lilly remembers tucking a blanket around her mother, passed out on the couch in a vodka-induced haze, before reading herself a bedtime story. She remembers the year her mother forgot her both hers and Christina's birthdays, and she let hers pass without a thought, but wrapped a bag of lollipops up in pink paper for her sister's. She looks at Christina warily, and for a moment, she sees the parallels to her mother, and a chill runs through her. No matter how hard it will be, no matter how terrible at it she knows she'll be, she can't condemn Ellie to the childhood she had.
"Ok…" she breathes, and her sister lets out a huge, shaking sob, smiling at Lilly through tear-filled eyes.
"Thank you." She breathes, and somehow it's not just for this promise, it's for the first fourteen years of her life being as normal as a sister could make them, it's about the thousands of times she's been undeservingly forgiven, it's about saving her tonight, it's about everything.
The sound of a throat clearing interrupts them. Lilly turns, and the doctor from earlier is standing in the doorway.
"Ms Rush needs to get some rest, I'm afraid." He says stiffly. "It's only a few broken ribs and some internal bruising, but she needs her sleep. You'll be able to visit when she's moved to the rehabilitation ward tomorrow morning."
She gives Christina a small smile; squeezing her hand in place of a hundred thoughts she can't quite form words with yet.
"I'll see you soon." She breathes. "I'll take care of her."
Tears roll down Christina Rush's face as her sister, her better half, walks out of the door.
He seems so natural, when she spots him as she turns the corner, holding Ellie, dancing his fingers in front of her face, whispering something in unintelligible baby talk. He looks up when he sees her, and his smile is infectious, no matter how long and trying her day has been. She sits, almost nervously, beside him, reaching out tentatively to stroke the side of her niece's face with one finger.
"She's been given a clean bill of health." He smiles, pulling faces at the baby, who simply stares at him with wide blue eyes. Lilly's eyes, he thinks, but pushes the thought away.
"Her name's Ellie." Lilly whispers, for a long moment unable to take her eyes off her niece. Scotty's eyes flick to her face, and he spots something there Lilly won't even recognise in herself for a long while. She already loves the little girl.
"I spoke to the doctors, and you're fine to take her home, you're her next of kin." He says, and as they stand up, Scotty passing the tiny, featherlike child into her arms, she wonders how on earth he could have known she'd agree to look after Ellie, when she didn't even think she would herself until Christina's eyes had begged her to. He gives her a small smile, teases his finger away from the baby's grasp and starts to walk towards the exit.
"I'll drive you home."
Two
Whatever’s outside the car flashes past the windows like it’s not even there, Lilly holding Ellie close to her chest, the baby sleeping, her aunt’s arms folded tentatively around her, Scotty driving about half the speed limit until they can get their hands on a baby car seat. One of Ellie’s little hands curls around Lilly’s thumb in her sleep, and she finds herself engrossed in the child, marvelling at the tiny fingernails, the tiny eyelashes, the tiny, podgy arms and legs, her little button nose, her tiny slight-smile.
Scotty glances across at her, a small smile creeping subconsciously onto his face, his eyes flickering between Lil and the baby and the road.
“How was Chris?” he says cautiously, and as the words leave his mouth he’s not sure how she’ll take them, given everything in the past, but she gives an exhausted smile, meets his eyes and nods slowly.
“Not too bad, all things considered. She’s… she’s going straight to rehab to get off the drugs when she’s discharged…”
He supposes everything that’s happened today cancels out everything that’s gone before.
“She’ll figure it out, Lil. She’ll be all right.”
Lilly looks down at Ellie. “She doesn’t have another choice.”
The silence is somewhere between uncomfortable and forgiving as streetlights periodically light their faces and they dart unsure, questioning glances at one another. Ellie gurgles slightly and wrinkles her nose, but gives no other signal she’s planning on waking up any time soon. Lilly strokes her fingers absent-mindedly over the baby’s clenched fist, the few baby supplies the hospital had given her packed between her knees, a few nappies, a small box of formula milk and a bottle…
It’s in that moment that the enormity of her situation hits her. She hasn’t got the first clue about what to do with the baby, not tonight, not any night, and certainly not for the weeks Christina will be in rehab.
“Scotty…” she whispers, not taking her eyes off Ellie’s face. He turns his head slightly to her, glancing at her wide, scared eyes, and it’s as if he can see into her worries.
“You’re gon’ take good care of her, Lil, don’t worry about that…”
She gives a small smile, and it’ll do, given the circumstances. “I’m sorry, about… about earlier…”
Their argument seems light years ago, but the similarities to his first encounter with Christina hadn’t escaped him then, and he hasn’t forgotten them now. It seems that when the younger Rush is in his life, he screws everything up with the older sister. He has two distinct memories of her yelling at him to prove it.
You lied to my face.
“I’m sorry, too.” He says, and for a second lifts his hand off the steering wheel, as if to reach for hers, but she’s not looking, and her arms are all wrapped up in her niece, and he considers it a ridiculous idea anyway.
“I only considered leaving the Precinct for half a moment…”
“It’s ok, Lil… it’s nothin’ to do with me, anyway…”
She blinks at that, like she disagrees. “It seemed like a good idea for a whole two seconds when Ryan suggested it and then-” she doesn’t notice her partner bristle slightly at the mention of the FBI agent’s name - Scotty’s always been able to read her better than she knew, and her interaction with Special Agent Kavanagh had left him uneasy. “-I’m Philly PD, that’s not going to change.”
“I wouldn’t have blamed you, though.” He attempts, all fiery arguments forgotten after everything they’ve been through today, calm compromise replacing harsh words and thick voices. “The pay must be a helluva lot better.”
She laughs lightly, and he’s relieved at that. The quiet falls between them for a moment, and Ryan Kavanagh crosses Lilly’s mind, however briefly. She’d thought he might call her or something, not that she’d wanted him too, it would make things too complicated, what with Saccardo and Scotty and everything.
She swallows, realising that that train of thought has taken her in the direction of her partner. She feels a slight blush rising in her pale cheeks, but puts the mental slip down to sheer exhaustion and the fact that she’s with him right now.
That said, she can’t seem to mind that she’ll probably never hear from the FBI agent again.
“I shouldn’ve said what I said earlier…” he murmurs, not taking his eyes off the road, “And I should’ve told you earlier about Chris, I jus’-“
“Water under the bridge, Scotty.” She sighs. “But I’m not leaving, I promise.”
He pointedly checks his wing mirror, but he can’t help the slight smile creeping onto his face. “Good.” He whispers, so low she can’t be sure whether she heard it at all, and keeps driving into the night.
***
She passes him the key and he opens the door to her apartment for her and Ellie, the little girl still sleeping soundly. He steps in behind her, closing the door gently behind him, setting the baby things the hospital had given them for Ellie down, and then gently lifting the baby out of Lilly’s arms, wordlessly, touching her little button nose lightly with one finger.
“You be good, little lady…” he whispers to the baby, and Lilly feels a strange emotion catch her unawares, and she turns away from him for a moment, unwelcome, misunderstood tears stinging her eyes.
“You ok, Lil?” he asks in a low voice, but quite a different tone to the one he used with the baby moments before.
She considers brushing him off, but then decides for everything he’s done, he deserves a little more than that. He deserves a little piece of her, to fall only partway to making up for every little bit of himself he was always so willing to share with her.
“I’m not sure I can do this.” She says, her voice catching on the third word, her fists clenching at her sides, a certain degree of self-loathing kicking in. “I can’t take care of a baby on my own, what was I thinking?… Scotty, I-”
He sets Ellie gently down on the corner of the couch for a second, his hand snaking lightly out from underneath her soft head, sprinkled with fair hair. Then he takes Lilly by the shoulders, holding her at arms length, and ice blue eyes fall forward into his dark ones.
“Hey…” he whispers, his left thumb brushing against the skin of her arm, tracing fire through her thin shirt. “You’re not on your own…”
She opens her mouth to argue, but he lifts a finger, and for a moment she thinks that maybe if he places it against her lips she won’t be fully in control of her actions, but it hovers in front of her face, in danger of making her go slightly cross-eyed. She doesn’t speak.
“I think I’ve fallen for that little one over there already…” he smiles, nodding towards the sleeping baby. “I’m here whenever you need me.”
She’s never been one for accepting help from anyone, but the desperation of the situation and the continual lump in her throat, coupled with the honesty in Scotty’s voice, make her smile slightly and whisper a thank you too low for him to hear.
For a moment neither of them says another word, staring each other out, as if it’s a stalemate that they don’t dare to break, and then a third voice cuts through the silence, a loud cry. Lilly pulls away immediately, pulling Ellie into her arms, patting her gently on the back as Scotty reaches into the bag for one of the baby bottles, and walks into her kitchen to fill it. She rocks the little girl, easing her crying into a tiny whimper, burying her head in the soft hair, wondering how to place the smell of the child’s soft skin.
When she remembers with a jolt, she’s bottle-feeding Ellie in her kitchen, Scotty leaning against the refrigerator, staring out the window into the artificial twilight. It’s one of the first things she remembers in her life, the first time she held her little sister, hardly four years old herself, burying her head in Christina’s mop of fair hair and promising someone - she’s pretty sure it was Santa - that she would take care of her sister. Tears threaten in her eyes, and she’s grateful Scotty’s otherwise occupied, and she blinks them away, stroking a finger over her niece’s cheek.
Ellie finishes the bottle, blows a tiny bubble and stares up at Lilly with wide blue eyes, completely content, for a moment.
“If you wanna head out, Scotty...” Lilly starts, and he turns to her, an expression on his face she can’t quite read.
“I…” he starts, but then shakes his head slightly to himself, eyes darting between Lilly and the baby. “I’ll come round in the morning; bring more baby things, anythin’ you think you’ll need…”
“You don’t have to-”
“I want to.” is He says firmly, giving her his thousand-watt smile, leaning forward and kissing Ellie on the cheek. With her niece in her arms, his proximity stuns them both, but he continues to smile, slightly too close to her face, staring slightly too directly into her eyes. “See you in the mornin’, Lil.”
She can do nothing but smile slightly until he closes the door behind him.
Three
The screaming won't stop, and every time Lilly looks at the clock she's dismayed by how much time's passed, how late the hour is. She's changed her niece's diaper, she's fed her, burped her, checked her diaper again, taken her temperature - nothing seems to work. The only thing that will keep Ellie quiet for more than a second is being held close to Lilly's chest, constantly pacing up and down the apartment, and even then she's whimpering slightly.
"What is it, little one?" Lilly whispers, stroking the soft hair on Ellie's head, "I don't know what it is you want…"
As expected, she receives no coherent answer, only a slight wail, and she resumes her walking at a fevered pace. She's terrified, more terrified than she's ever been facing any gun-wielding perp or being chasing by any serial killer; she can't figure out what's wrong with the baby and with every passing moment that her ears are still ringing with screams, she concocts more terrible worst case scenarios in her head. Ellie falls silent for seconds at a time, and Lilly dares to believe that it might be time for the child to fall asleep now, her night might be over, but it's always just a lull in the screaming, a pause for her niece to take another deep breath, feed the wailing lungs.
"Shhh, Ellie…" she whispers, "Go to sleep…"
She feels ridiculous - Ellie clearly doesn't understand the meaning of the words, and as she watches the hands of the clock tick over into what can no longer be called night but has to now be classified as the early hours of the morning, her feeling of inadequacy only increases.
It's like this child knows that she knows nothing about taking care of babies, that's she's so underprepared that she only has enough milk and diapers for the next day, that she doesn't have a crib for the baby to sleep in. Ellie knows it's not her mother holding her, but she's not old enough to understand what Lilly's doing in taking on this burden for her sister; she's not old enough to understand why it's not the stale cigarette smoke smell of her own mother holding her. Lilly feels a lump rising in her throat, wondering then, in her moment of complete crisis, whether she'll actually be any better for this little girl than Christina - she quells the thought, almost instantly. She's a lot of things, Lilly Rush, but she's never been a quitter, and as long as this baby is screaming at her, she's going to try everything to calm her down.
Ellie's crying doesn't stop until Lilly can see the beginnings of light poking through her apartment curtains, until the clock reads 4:29. She watches her niece's eyes close with baited breath, and as the infant's breathing finally slows she allows herself a sigh of relief. Ellie puffs out her cheeks and her mouth forms into a round "o"; her aunt holds her breath, waiting for the wailing to continue. But her eyes stay closed, her mouth forms gently around a yawn, and then she wriggles slightly, nestling her face slightly closer to the warm skin of the woman holding her, and falls into sleep.
Beautiful. That's the only word Lilly can think of to describe Ellie sleeping. Fair haired, with long fair eyelashes, full-cheeked, mouth slightly upturned… she sinks slowly into a chair, slightly in awe.
She's never made anything as wonderful as this child Christina produced by accident. She, with her near perfect case record and her stacking numbers of solved homicides, will never leave a mark on this world so perfect, so valuable. There's familiarity in the tiny face, though, and it slightly unsettles her. Christina's nose, maybe, or was it her mother's? Those blue eyes; something in the turn up of her mouth. She can read her family there, all dysfunction, addiction and disaster purified on the little girl's skin. She wonders, briefly, what was different between her and Christina, what had driven them to such obscure poles, what had made Christina warm and haphazard and irresponsible and disastrous, and what had made Lilly cold, driven, solitary and calm. She'd raised Christina the best way a child could, and anything Christina got out of her during those years was more than Lilly got out of their mother… Their mother. She'd been pushing the picture of Christina in the hospital bed with the wild eyes and the far-off look away, but it came crashing through now - there was something very Ellen about her. Something that sent goosebumps down Lilly's spine.
In the end, what had made Christina turn into their mother when Lilly had loathed everything she'd stood for until the day she died?
She makes a vow, then, tracing her niece's tiny fingers. She wouldn't let a third generation repeat itself. Ellie would make better choices than her mother and grandmother, Ellie would find herself a place in this world that was stable, which was calm, where she was safe.
Her own emotions stun her slightly. This baby, this child she'd met merely hours ago, she was now swearing she'd protect, despite the cost.
In her sleep, Ellie's tiny fist curls around Lilly's thumb, and she allows herself to lean her head back on the couch, head coming to rest on top of the cushions; she lets her eyes slowly drift closed.
Scotty rings the doorbell, the Moses basket, formula milk, nappies and a pink elephant he had spontaneously chosen for her in some sort of sordid pile on the steps below him. For minutes he waits there whilst Lilly doesn't answer, worried thoughts flitting through his head, the beginning of panic stemming in his gut when he happens to be glancing through the window and he sees the reason behind his door ringing not getting answered - Lilly sound asleep on the sofa, with Ellie sound asleep in her arms.
He has a spare key somewhere, he is really hoping he's brought it out with him today, because she looks so perfect like that, her head back against the top of the couch, hair fanning out behind her, he doesn't want to wake her. He roots deep in the pocket of his work coat, which by chance he'd just flung over his shoulders when he saw the clouds outside this morning, and there is something there. Unsure at the moment whether it is his spare key or a key for his work locker or something else useless in this situation, he goes rummaging around to pull it out, and holds it up in front of his face, praying it will be the right key. It is, and he can't help the wide smile splitting over his face as he uses it to open the door quietly, and he is greeted by Tripod giving him a slight hiss from where he'd been sat by the doorway, clearly anyone coming through the door was merely interruption to his sleeping attempt, but as Scotty is attempting to force everything he'd bought for Ellie through the door, he scuttles away, hobbling into the kitchen.
He walks into the living room, and when he sees them, he has to sit down for a second, gather himself. Lilly's leaning her head back against the edge of the couch, as if in a last, desperate attempt to get some sleep, and Ellie's curled up in her arms, almost as if she hasn't even noticed her mother isn't there, that she actually quite likes sleeping with her auntie like that. Something hits his foot lightly, and he looks down to find a bottle half full of milk rolling gently across the floor, as if it's fallen off of Lilly's lap hours ago. He watches his partner, feeling something almost alien gripping his stomach, inside him, and it takes him moments to realise this was how he used to feel when he was watching Elissa sleep. The feelings wrap themselves around him, and he thinks yet again, as he's been thinking of it many times overnight, how grateful he is Lilly isn't going anywhere. He thinks of the way she was around Kavanagh, the slightly too much contact and the looks he saw between them, that told him, though she never would, that there was something going on between them. He remembers the way he noticed the lust follow her in Ryan Kavanagh's eyes, he remembers the slightly shy, hopeful look in her own when she met his to start off with, before she realised and pulled herself back into check. He thinks about the way it's been between them, and for how many years it's been, and he thinks that's he got so used to having his partner around him that he wouldn't be comfortable doing what he's doing without her. That feels heavy to him, but he feels he would get used to it eventually; he'd just take a serious amount of adjusting. He'd be lonely, he's not sure he could find anyone else who would take her place, who would be the same to him.
He leans his head back against the sofa for a moment in a mirror of her, trying to make the thought leave his mind, not wanting to deal with the thought that feelings like that about someone, that was more than friendship. He thinks about the way the little girl had already made him love her, and whether it was something to do with the sprinkling of blonde hair on her head, the sky blue of her eyes; Ellie looked like her aunt. Sighing slightly, that wasn't helping him to push this away; he focuses on the pair of them, looking at how peaceful they both look when they were sleeping.
He feels an immediate pang, feeling guilty he'd left Lilly with her, wondering how long it had taken both of them to fall asleep, and wondering what he could have done to persuade her to let him stay there. To let him lay his hand in there to start off with, that whilst Christina was in rehab, he wanted to be giving all the help he could give to looking after Ellie. Who, as he watches, stirs slightly and her eyelids flicker open. Immediately, without even a chance to think, he eases Ellie out of Lilly's arms, wrapping her in his, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
"Hello, little one." He whispers, running a hand through the blonde hair he'd been considering minutes ago, hardly noticing the smile she automatically makes break out on his face, the twinkle she gives to his eyes. He sighs slightly, trying to imagine how different his life would have been if what had happened to Elissa hadn't happened to her, if they'd gotten married, if he'd had children of his own… He finds himself sighing, because for the first time in his life he wasn't looking back at that with only regret, with only pain, he was seeing one way his life could have gone, but actually realising he had some sort of love for the life he had now. He swallows slightly, thinking it has something to do with the woman his eyes are on, the woman he is staring at in front of him.
The woman who now flicks those eyelids open, looking up at him in a slightly confused manner. And then he watches her as she goes to try and take Ellie's hand, and he translates the panic that flits across her face when she realises the baby isn't there. He smiles slightly, their eyes catching, and he watches her gaze flick down to Ellie in his arms, and a slight relaxation travel back onto her face. Tucking Ellie almost effortlessly away under one arm, he picks up a throw from the back of the couch and wraps it around her, smiling down at those still half asleep eyes.
"You go back to sleep…" he whispers, the thought of pressing a kiss to her forehead not leaving his mind, "I'll take Ellie for a while…"
She smiles at him, in a way it will take him some serious getting used to, a way that makes his heart race a little, his stomach tie itself in knots. But her eyes close gently, and her head tilts to one side, and he is suddenly left with sleeping Lilly and Ellie in his arms.
"Come on then, little one." He whispers to the little girl as he takes steps out of the lounge, "What shall we do?"
It's as if she realises then that the person that's holding her is not her mother or her aunt, and her face begins to screw up. She literally gives him the seconds it takes to shut the lounge door on Lilly, give her a little bit of privacy, when she bursts into tears that despite everything he's managing to be impressed with how low she can make them, and without stopping to think, he whisks her into the kitchen, grasping her tightly in his arms, rocking her slightly in his arms, trying to force her wailing out of his mind as he makes her up some formula milk and warms it slowly in Lilly's microwave. He presses a light kiss to Ellie's cheek before letting her have a suck on the bottle, immediately making her crying disappear and bringing a slight smile to Scotty's face as he realises to start off with he's guessed correctly what she wants, and that's got to be a start, hasn't it?
After she's drank almost the whole bottle he changes her diaper and manages to unlock Lilly's back door to get to the bin, leaving it slightly open to let some of the slight breeze makes its way into the room that the slight increase in summer weather May had brought had made a little stuffy. He then changes Ellie's baby grow into something he'd bought for her on his spontaneous trip of buying baby things this morning, and though it's a little big for her, it could be the worse way round, so he just presses another little kiss to her skin, and can't help the grin he has himself as her mouth turns into a little smile.
"You're a very pretty little girl, you know that?" he says to her, giving her nose a little poke, making her laugh a little, "You look a lot like your auntie, actually… she's gon' take such good care of you…"
Rating: T
Summary: The multi-chapter I've been promising you forever. Starts right where the finale left us. L/S. Lilly has to take care of her niece for a while.
One
She's never liked hospitals, for one reason or another… the smell gets right down her throat and the ringing silence into her ears, and the bright light stings her eyes. She's had a fair few run ins with the hospitals over the years, being the patient herself, everything from a broken arm at age five - her mother had been too busy flirting with the man working at the ice-cream stand to watch her on the swings - to the near fatal gunshot wound from a few years before - she'll never forget how the cold felt washing over her. But being in the waiting room, that hadn't become so common to her, and somehow, in some inexplicable twist, it is almost harder.
She can't get the grey tinge of Christina's face out of her head, the weak, starving cries of the tiny baby girl, the bruises on her sister's side she'd seen when Scotty lifted her and the hem of her T-shirt raised slightly. She can't seem to stop the nausea rising in her throat as she imagines the possibilities - what if she hadn't gotten there in time, what if she'd been too late, what if she hadn't heard the baby crying?
And then there's the darker imaginings, almost, the ones she knows she'll torture herself with for the foreseeable future - what if she'd been better to Christina her whole life? What if she hadn't helped to drive her away? What if she'd been less sheltered, less naïve, when she'd first seen her in the diner, what if she'd realised what was wrong then - might she have got there in time? What if she'd turned up at Christina's motel room earlier? Scenarios fly wildly in her, and without noticing, she's clenching and unclenching her fists.
"Lil…" she hears Scotty say, his voice low, almost like he's scared to speak. She'd almost forgotten for a moment, that he was still there with her. Once he'd driven them to the hospital she'd offered him his way out, told him to go home, but he'd done nothing but laugh dryly at her and follow her inside. She turns her face up to his, and there's pain in his eyes, they look as she imagines hers do, his eyebrows furrowed, his eyes tired and full of bewilderment, fatigue. She can't even bring herself to say anything, simply holds his gaze for a moment, lets her hands relax, realising the concern in his voice is for her as much as for her sister and for the baby.
He's pacing, and she wishes he would stop pacing, because her eyes are following him up and down the waiting room, and she can't seem to get her thoughts in order whilst she's watching him.
Then again, maybe that's a good thing. She can't imagine a pathway her thoughts might take right now that would lead her anywhere painless, anywhere peaceful. He glances at her every few seconds, resumes his pacing, looking around as if an answer to one of his questions might appear out of thin air, out of the silence. The waiting room is almost deserted, it's nearly eleven at night, and they're not in the ER anymore, but in the on-call OBGYN department. Lilly can hardly focus the memory from only about an hour before, when the doctors, all stern, emotionless faces and concerned eyes, took Christina in one direction and took the little girl out of her arms and in the other direction, one of them asking her something about calling the police, to which she'd been unable to answer until Scotty pulled out his badge and said something in a hushed tone that she hadn't quite been able to hone in on, either.
Everything is crumbling, she decides, she's finally going mad.
At last, he sinks into the hard plastic chair beside her, resting his hands on the arms of the chair, tapping his fingers slightly.
"They'll be alright…" he whispers, and she nods her head… too quickly. They don't look at one another, but he reaches out a hand and places it on her arm. "We got to them in time, Lil. They'll be fine."
She isn't sure where the turning point was, any of the turning points for that matter - she isn't sure when he stopped being the mildly irritating ex-narcs cop, and started being her partner. She isn't sure when he stopped being just her partner and started being her friend, and she sure as hell doesn't know when he stopped being just her friend and started knowing exactly what she was thinking, and exactly what she needed him to say. But she breathes slowly, his touch calming her slightly, bringing the threads of her thoughts into coherence again, and nods slightly, this time more sincere, as if Scotty telling her something would make it true.
They sit like that, neither of them saying anything, for minutes, and they both watch a heavily pregnant woman leaving one of the consulting rooms, flushed in the face and gripping the hand of a child no older than two, slightly stooped with the extra weight.
"What happens now?" Lilly manages to breathe, and they turn their heads at the same moment, their eyes meeting. The vulnerability in her eyes shocks him into silence for a moment, but there's pleading in her face, like she needs his answer more than anything.
"One step at a time, Lil." He murmurs.
He suddenly has a thousand things to say, in that moment, with Lilly Rush beside him, looking far more open than she had in the seven years he'd known her, but he is interrupted.
"Ms Rush?" A tired looking balding doctor stands in the doorway of one of the consulting rooms, eyes scanning the waiting room. Lilly turns away immediately, standing up, walking towards him.
"How is she?" she breathes, heart thumping in her chest, fists tense and clenched again.
"Not bad, given the circumstances. You can come through and see her now." The doctor says, his face still grave, giving nothing away. Lilly glances back at Scotty, and he gives her a small smile.
"I'll be right here." he says, as if she was asking for his reassurance, and she walks into her sister's hospital room.
The first thing Lilly thinks is how small Christina looks, attached to the IV and swamped in an oversized hospital gown. For a moment, she looks no different to the six-and-a-half year old that brought her big sister a roughly hacked ham sandwich the day after her attack, which she couldn't eat anyway with her broken jaw, but she crumbled up and threw it out of the window for the birds, so as not to hurt Christina's feelings.
The younger Rush sister looks up at Lilly through wide, scared eyes, and Lilly feels the pangs of guilt in her stomach, as if somehow there was something more she could have done.
"Chris…" she breathes, perching on the side of the bed beside her sister, half wringing her hands, almost at a loss as to what to say. Christina's face and arms, what Lilly can see of them, are black and blue, and it looks as if it's painful every time she breathes.
"I'm… I'm so sorry…" she manages to murmur, clasping her sister's hand in her own, staring down at their fingers, melded together. Lilly's slightly paler, slightly rougher, her fingers slightly longer and thinner. Unimpressive differences, really. Not enough to define quite why Lilly wasn't there to save her sister, why there's this rift between them she's not sure will ever close. A rift defined by so many things - a subconscious resent at losing a childhood mothering both a mother and a little sister, an unfaithful fiancé, money, taken without so much as a word, the man in the waiting room… that thought flits through her mind without leaving much in its wake, because today's gone beyond worrying about things like that.
When she looks up, there are tear tracks running down Christina's face, and she's chewing her lip like she always had done when she had something to say. Lilly opens her mouth to say something, but her sister gets there first.
"It's not your fault, Lil…" a tiny, bitter smile touches her lips, "It's never been your fault, not any of it… I ruin everything I touch, Lil… I can't seem to help it… I've always been the one that's ruined everything between us…"
"Chris, it doesn't-"
Christina holds up a hand, weakly. "Don't you go saying it doesn't matter. We both know that I've ruined more than one thing for you, and it's me who should be sorry, not you…" she takes a deep, shaky breath, broken ribs restricting her sighs. "She's the only good thing I've ever done… her name's Eleanor… Ellie Lilly Rush… she's almost eight months old…" Lilly watches her eyes well up, her fingers clench and unclench in a gesture she guesses is somehow genetic, "It scares me how much I love her, Lil… I've never understood Mom until now, but I… I love her, but I'm no good for her…"
"We'll figure it out, Chris. You'll be able to be a mother to her…"
Christina shakes her head, and Lilly sees her fingers shaking as they grip the thin hospital sheets. "Not like this. I'm not leaving this hospital 'til I'm clean. I've already spoken to one of the doctors… I can go straight from here to the rehabilitation ward…" those big wide eyes stare up at her sister, "I have to do this, Lil."
There's a silence hanging over the hospital room as Lilly realises this might be the first selfless thing her sister has ever tried to do, and Christina tries to figure out how to ask her sister for one more thing, when she's spent her whole life asking for favours she can't even pay for in sisterhood, in friendship.
"Will you take Ellie?" she whispers, and the last semblance of colour drains from Lilly's face, her heart thuds, her body goes cold.
Will you take Ellie? Christina had asked so much of her throughout her life, and nothing had ever come close to being as much as this.
"I don't know, Chris, I'd be terrible at looking after a baby…"
"Please, Lil, you're all she has… I can't stay here unless I know there's someone to take care of her…"
Lilly remembers tucking a blanket around her mother, passed out on the couch in a vodka-induced haze, before reading herself a bedtime story. She remembers the year her mother forgot her both hers and Christina's birthdays, and she let hers pass without a thought, but wrapped a bag of lollipops up in pink paper for her sister's. She looks at Christina warily, and for a moment, she sees the parallels to her mother, and a chill runs through her. No matter how hard it will be, no matter how terrible at it she knows she'll be, she can't condemn Ellie to the childhood she had.
"Ok…" she breathes, and her sister lets out a huge, shaking sob, smiling at Lilly through tear-filled eyes.
"Thank you." She breathes, and somehow it's not just for this promise, it's for the first fourteen years of her life being as normal as a sister could make them, it's about the thousands of times she's been undeservingly forgiven, it's about saving her tonight, it's about everything.
The sound of a throat clearing interrupts them. Lilly turns, and the doctor from earlier is standing in the doorway.
"Ms Rush needs to get some rest, I'm afraid." He says stiffly. "It's only a few broken ribs and some internal bruising, but she needs her sleep. You'll be able to visit when she's moved to the rehabilitation ward tomorrow morning."
She gives Christina a small smile; squeezing her hand in place of a hundred thoughts she can't quite form words with yet.
"I'll see you soon." She breathes. "I'll take care of her."
Tears roll down Christina Rush's face as her sister, her better half, walks out of the door.
He seems so natural, when she spots him as she turns the corner, holding Ellie, dancing his fingers in front of her face, whispering something in unintelligible baby talk. He looks up when he sees her, and his smile is infectious, no matter how long and trying her day has been. She sits, almost nervously, beside him, reaching out tentatively to stroke the side of her niece's face with one finger.
"She's been given a clean bill of health." He smiles, pulling faces at the baby, who simply stares at him with wide blue eyes. Lilly's eyes, he thinks, but pushes the thought away.
"Her name's Ellie." Lilly whispers, for a long moment unable to take her eyes off her niece. Scotty's eyes flick to her face, and he spots something there Lilly won't even recognise in herself for a long while. She already loves the little girl.
"I spoke to the doctors, and you're fine to take her home, you're her next of kin." He says, and as they stand up, Scotty passing the tiny, featherlike child into her arms, she wonders how on earth he could have known she'd agree to look after Ellie, when she didn't even think she would herself until Christina's eyes had begged her to. He gives her a small smile, teases his finger away from the baby's grasp and starts to walk towards the exit.
"I'll drive you home."
Two
Whatever’s outside the car flashes past the windows like it’s not even there, Lilly holding Ellie close to her chest, the baby sleeping, her aunt’s arms folded tentatively around her, Scotty driving about half the speed limit until they can get their hands on a baby car seat. One of Ellie’s little hands curls around Lilly’s thumb in her sleep, and she finds herself engrossed in the child, marvelling at the tiny fingernails, the tiny eyelashes, the tiny, podgy arms and legs, her little button nose, her tiny slight-smile.
Scotty glances across at her, a small smile creeping subconsciously onto his face, his eyes flickering between Lil and the baby and the road.
“How was Chris?” he says cautiously, and as the words leave his mouth he’s not sure how she’ll take them, given everything in the past, but she gives an exhausted smile, meets his eyes and nods slowly.
“Not too bad, all things considered. She’s… she’s going straight to rehab to get off the drugs when she’s discharged…”
He supposes everything that’s happened today cancels out everything that’s gone before.
“She’ll figure it out, Lil. She’ll be all right.”
Lilly looks down at Ellie. “She doesn’t have another choice.”
The silence is somewhere between uncomfortable and forgiving as streetlights periodically light their faces and they dart unsure, questioning glances at one another. Ellie gurgles slightly and wrinkles her nose, but gives no other signal she’s planning on waking up any time soon. Lilly strokes her fingers absent-mindedly over the baby’s clenched fist, the few baby supplies the hospital had given her packed between her knees, a few nappies, a small box of formula milk and a bottle…
It’s in that moment that the enormity of her situation hits her. She hasn’t got the first clue about what to do with the baby, not tonight, not any night, and certainly not for the weeks Christina will be in rehab.
“Scotty…” she whispers, not taking her eyes off Ellie’s face. He turns his head slightly to her, glancing at her wide, scared eyes, and it’s as if he can see into her worries.
“You’re gon’ take good care of her, Lil, don’t worry about that…”
She gives a small smile, and it’ll do, given the circumstances. “I’m sorry, about… about earlier…”
Their argument seems light years ago, but the similarities to his first encounter with Christina hadn’t escaped him then, and he hasn’t forgotten them now. It seems that when the younger Rush is in his life, he screws everything up with the older sister. He has two distinct memories of her yelling at him to prove it.
You lied to my face.
“I’m sorry, too.” He says, and for a second lifts his hand off the steering wheel, as if to reach for hers, but she’s not looking, and her arms are all wrapped up in her niece, and he considers it a ridiculous idea anyway.
“I only considered leaving the Precinct for half a moment…”
“It’s ok, Lil… it’s nothin’ to do with me, anyway…”
She blinks at that, like she disagrees. “It seemed like a good idea for a whole two seconds when Ryan suggested it and then-” she doesn’t notice her partner bristle slightly at the mention of the FBI agent’s name - Scotty’s always been able to read her better than she knew, and her interaction with Special Agent Kavanagh had left him uneasy. “-I’m Philly PD, that’s not going to change.”
“I wouldn’t have blamed you, though.” He attempts, all fiery arguments forgotten after everything they’ve been through today, calm compromise replacing harsh words and thick voices. “The pay must be a helluva lot better.”
She laughs lightly, and he’s relieved at that. The quiet falls between them for a moment, and Ryan Kavanagh crosses Lilly’s mind, however briefly. She’d thought he might call her or something, not that she’d wanted him too, it would make things too complicated, what with Saccardo and Scotty and everything.
She swallows, realising that that train of thought has taken her in the direction of her partner. She feels a slight blush rising in her pale cheeks, but puts the mental slip down to sheer exhaustion and the fact that she’s with him right now.
That said, she can’t seem to mind that she’ll probably never hear from the FBI agent again.
“I shouldn’ve said what I said earlier…” he murmurs, not taking his eyes off the road, “And I should’ve told you earlier about Chris, I jus’-“
“Water under the bridge, Scotty.” She sighs. “But I’m not leaving, I promise.”
He pointedly checks his wing mirror, but he can’t help the slight smile creeping onto his face. “Good.” He whispers, so low she can’t be sure whether she heard it at all, and keeps driving into the night.
***
She passes him the key and he opens the door to her apartment for her and Ellie, the little girl still sleeping soundly. He steps in behind her, closing the door gently behind him, setting the baby things the hospital had given them for Ellie down, and then gently lifting the baby out of Lilly’s arms, wordlessly, touching her little button nose lightly with one finger.
“You be good, little lady…” he whispers to the baby, and Lilly feels a strange emotion catch her unawares, and she turns away from him for a moment, unwelcome, misunderstood tears stinging her eyes.
“You ok, Lil?” he asks in a low voice, but quite a different tone to the one he used with the baby moments before.
She considers brushing him off, but then decides for everything he’s done, he deserves a little more than that. He deserves a little piece of her, to fall only partway to making up for every little bit of himself he was always so willing to share with her.
“I’m not sure I can do this.” She says, her voice catching on the third word, her fists clenching at her sides, a certain degree of self-loathing kicking in. “I can’t take care of a baby on my own, what was I thinking?… Scotty, I-”
He sets Ellie gently down on the corner of the couch for a second, his hand snaking lightly out from underneath her soft head, sprinkled with fair hair. Then he takes Lilly by the shoulders, holding her at arms length, and ice blue eyes fall forward into his dark ones.
“Hey…” he whispers, his left thumb brushing against the skin of her arm, tracing fire through her thin shirt. “You’re not on your own…”
She opens her mouth to argue, but he lifts a finger, and for a moment she thinks that maybe if he places it against her lips she won’t be fully in control of her actions, but it hovers in front of her face, in danger of making her go slightly cross-eyed. She doesn’t speak.
“I think I’ve fallen for that little one over there already…” he smiles, nodding towards the sleeping baby. “I’m here whenever you need me.”
She’s never been one for accepting help from anyone, but the desperation of the situation and the continual lump in her throat, coupled with the honesty in Scotty’s voice, make her smile slightly and whisper a thank you too low for him to hear.
For a moment neither of them says another word, staring each other out, as if it’s a stalemate that they don’t dare to break, and then a third voice cuts through the silence, a loud cry. Lilly pulls away immediately, pulling Ellie into her arms, patting her gently on the back as Scotty reaches into the bag for one of the baby bottles, and walks into her kitchen to fill it. She rocks the little girl, easing her crying into a tiny whimper, burying her head in the soft hair, wondering how to place the smell of the child’s soft skin.
When she remembers with a jolt, she’s bottle-feeding Ellie in her kitchen, Scotty leaning against the refrigerator, staring out the window into the artificial twilight. It’s one of the first things she remembers in her life, the first time she held her little sister, hardly four years old herself, burying her head in Christina’s mop of fair hair and promising someone - she’s pretty sure it was Santa - that she would take care of her sister. Tears threaten in her eyes, and she’s grateful Scotty’s otherwise occupied, and she blinks them away, stroking a finger over her niece’s cheek.
Ellie finishes the bottle, blows a tiny bubble and stares up at Lilly with wide blue eyes, completely content, for a moment.
“If you wanna head out, Scotty...” Lilly starts, and he turns to her, an expression on his face she can’t quite read.
“I…” he starts, but then shakes his head slightly to himself, eyes darting between Lilly and the baby. “I’ll come round in the morning; bring more baby things, anythin’ you think you’ll need…”
“You don’t have to-”
“I want to.” is He says firmly, giving her his thousand-watt smile, leaning forward and kissing Ellie on the cheek. With her niece in her arms, his proximity stuns them both, but he continues to smile, slightly too close to her face, staring slightly too directly into her eyes. “See you in the mornin’, Lil.”
She can do nothing but smile slightly until he closes the door behind him.
Three
The screaming won't stop, and every time Lilly looks at the clock she's dismayed by how much time's passed, how late the hour is. She's changed her niece's diaper, she's fed her, burped her, checked her diaper again, taken her temperature - nothing seems to work. The only thing that will keep Ellie quiet for more than a second is being held close to Lilly's chest, constantly pacing up and down the apartment, and even then she's whimpering slightly.
"What is it, little one?" Lilly whispers, stroking the soft hair on Ellie's head, "I don't know what it is you want…"
As expected, she receives no coherent answer, only a slight wail, and she resumes her walking at a fevered pace. She's terrified, more terrified than she's ever been facing any gun-wielding perp or being chasing by any serial killer; she can't figure out what's wrong with the baby and with every passing moment that her ears are still ringing with screams, she concocts more terrible worst case scenarios in her head. Ellie falls silent for seconds at a time, and Lilly dares to believe that it might be time for the child to fall asleep now, her night might be over, but it's always just a lull in the screaming, a pause for her niece to take another deep breath, feed the wailing lungs.
"Shhh, Ellie…" she whispers, "Go to sleep…"
She feels ridiculous - Ellie clearly doesn't understand the meaning of the words, and as she watches the hands of the clock tick over into what can no longer be called night but has to now be classified as the early hours of the morning, her feeling of inadequacy only increases.
It's like this child knows that she knows nothing about taking care of babies, that's she's so underprepared that she only has enough milk and diapers for the next day, that she doesn't have a crib for the baby to sleep in. Ellie knows it's not her mother holding her, but she's not old enough to understand what Lilly's doing in taking on this burden for her sister; she's not old enough to understand why it's not the stale cigarette smoke smell of her own mother holding her. Lilly feels a lump rising in her throat, wondering then, in her moment of complete crisis, whether she'll actually be any better for this little girl than Christina - she quells the thought, almost instantly. She's a lot of things, Lilly Rush, but she's never been a quitter, and as long as this baby is screaming at her, she's going to try everything to calm her down.
Ellie's crying doesn't stop until Lilly can see the beginnings of light poking through her apartment curtains, until the clock reads 4:29. She watches her niece's eyes close with baited breath, and as the infant's breathing finally slows she allows herself a sigh of relief. Ellie puffs out her cheeks and her mouth forms into a round "o"; her aunt holds her breath, waiting for the wailing to continue. But her eyes stay closed, her mouth forms gently around a yawn, and then she wriggles slightly, nestling her face slightly closer to the warm skin of the woman holding her, and falls into sleep.
Beautiful. That's the only word Lilly can think of to describe Ellie sleeping. Fair haired, with long fair eyelashes, full-cheeked, mouth slightly upturned… she sinks slowly into a chair, slightly in awe.
She's never made anything as wonderful as this child Christina produced by accident. She, with her near perfect case record and her stacking numbers of solved homicides, will never leave a mark on this world so perfect, so valuable. There's familiarity in the tiny face, though, and it slightly unsettles her. Christina's nose, maybe, or was it her mother's? Those blue eyes; something in the turn up of her mouth. She can read her family there, all dysfunction, addiction and disaster purified on the little girl's skin. She wonders, briefly, what was different between her and Christina, what had driven them to such obscure poles, what had made Christina warm and haphazard and irresponsible and disastrous, and what had made Lilly cold, driven, solitary and calm. She'd raised Christina the best way a child could, and anything Christina got out of her during those years was more than Lilly got out of their mother… Their mother. She'd been pushing the picture of Christina in the hospital bed with the wild eyes and the far-off look away, but it came crashing through now - there was something very Ellen about her. Something that sent goosebumps down Lilly's spine.
In the end, what had made Christina turn into their mother when Lilly had loathed everything she'd stood for until the day she died?
She makes a vow, then, tracing her niece's tiny fingers. She wouldn't let a third generation repeat itself. Ellie would make better choices than her mother and grandmother, Ellie would find herself a place in this world that was stable, which was calm, where she was safe.
Her own emotions stun her slightly. This baby, this child she'd met merely hours ago, she was now swearing she'd protect, despite the cost.
In her sleep, Ellie's tiny fist curls around Lilly's thumb, and she allows herself to lean her head back on the couch, head coming to rest on top of the cushions; she lets her eyes slowly drift closed.
Scotty rings the doorbell, the Moses basket, formula milk, nappies and a pink elephant he had spontaneously chosen for her in some sort of sordid pile on the steps below him. For minutes he waits there whilst Lilly doesn't answer, worried thoughts flitting through his head, the beginning of panic stemming in his gut when he happens to be glancing through the window and he sees the reason behind his door ringing not getting answered - Lilly sound asleep on the sofa, with Ellie sound asleep in her arms.
He has a spare key somewhere, he is really hoping he's brought it out with him today, because she looks so perfect like that, her head back against the top of the couch, hair fanning out behind her, he doesn't want to wake her. He roots deep in the pocket of his work coat, which by chance he'd just flung over his shoulders when he saw the clouds outside this morning, and there is something there. Unsure at the moment whether it is his spare key or a key for his work locker or something else useless in this situation, he goes rummaging around to pull it out, and holds it up in front of his face, praying it will be the right key. It is, and he can't help the wide smile splitting over his face as he uses it to open the door quietly, and he is greeted by Tripod giving him a slight hiss from where he'd been sat by the doorway, clearly anyone coming through the door was merely interruption to his sleeping attempt, but as Scotty is attempting to force everything he'd bought for Ellie through the door, he scuttles away, hobbling into the kitchen.
He walks into the living room, and when he sees them, he has to sit down for a second, gather himself. Lilly's leaning her head back against the edge of the couch, as if in a last, desperate attempt to get some sleep, and Ellie's curled up in her arms, almost as if she hasn't even noticed her mother isn't there, that she actually quite likes sleeping with her auntie like that. Something hits his foot lightly, and he looks down to find a bottle half full of milk rolling gently across the floor, as if it's fallen off of Lilly's lap hours ago. He watches his partner, feeling something almost alien gripping his stomach, inside him, and it takes him moments to realise this was how he used to feel when he was watching Elissa sleep. The feelings wrap themselves around him, and he thinks yet again, as he's been thinking of it many times overnight, how grateful he is Lilly isn't going anywhere. He thinks of the way she was around Kavanagh, the slightly too much contact and the looks he saw between them, that told him, though she never would, that there was something going on between them. He remembers the way he noticed the lust follow her in Ryan Kavanagh's eyes, he remembers the slightly shy, hopeful look in her own when she met his to start off with, before she realised and pulled herself back into check. He thinks about the way it's been between them, and for how many years it's been, and he thinks that's he got so used to having his partner around him that he wouldn't be comfortable doing what he's doing without her. That feels heavy to him, but he feels he would get used to it eventually; he'd just take a serious amount of adjusting. He'd be lonely, he's not sure he could find anyone else who would take her place, who would be the same to him.
He leans his head back against the sofa for a moment in a mirror of her, trying to make the thought leave his mind, not wanting to deal with the thought that feelings like that about someone, that was more than friendship. He thinks about the way the little girl had already made him love her, and whether it was something to do with the sprinkling of blonde hair on her head, the sky blue of her eyes; Ellie looked like her aunt. Sighing slightly, that wasn't helping him to push this away; he focuses on the pair of them, looking at how peaceful they both look when they were sleeping.
He feels an immediate pang, feeling guilty he'd left Lilly with her, wondering how long it had taken both of them to fall asleep, and wondering what he could have done to persuade her to let him stay there. To let him lay his hand in there to start off with, that whilst Christina was in rehab, he wanted to be giving all the help he could give to looking after Ellie. Who, as he watches, stirs slightly and her eyelids flicker open. Immediately, without even a chance to think, he eases Ellie out of Lilly's arms, wrapping her in his, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
"Hello, little one." He whispers, running a hand through the blonde hair he'd been considering minutes ago, hardly noticing the smile she automatically makes break out on his face, the twinkle she gives to his eyes. He sighs slightly, trying to imagine how different his life would have been if what had happened to Elissa hadn't happened to her, if they'd gotten married, if he'd had children of his own… He finds himself sighing, because for the first time in his life he wasn't looking back at that with only regret, with only pain, he was seeing one way his life could have gone, but actually realising he had some sort of love for the life he had now. He swallows slightly, thinking it has something to do with the woman his eyes are on, the woman he is staring at in front of him.
The woman who now flicks those eyelids open, looking up at him in a slightly confused manner. And then he watches her as she goes to try and take Ellie's hand, and he translates the panic that flits across her face when she realises the baby isn't there. He smiles slightly, their eyes catching, and he watches her gaze flick down to Ellie in his arms, and a slight relaxation travel back onto her face. Tucking Ellie almost effortlessly away under one arm, he picks up a throw from the back of the couch and wraps it around her, smiling down at those still half asleep eyes.
"You go back to sleep…" he whispers, the thought of pressing a kiss to her forehead not leaving his mind, "I'll take Ellie for a while…"
She smiles at him, in a way it will take him some serious getting used to, a way that makes his heart race a little, his stomach tie itself in knots. But her eyes close gently, and her head tilts to one side, and he is suddenly left with sleeping Lilly and Ellie in his arms.
"Come on then, little one." He whispers to the little girl as he takes steps out of the lounge, "What shall we do?"
It's as if she realises then that the person that's holding her is not her mother or her aunt, and her face begins to screw up. She literally gives him the seconds it takes to shut the lounge door on Lilly, give her a little bit of privacy, when she bursts into tears that despite everything he's managing to be impressed with how low she can make them, and without stopping to think, he whisks her into the kitchen, grasping her tightly in his arms, rocking her slightly in his arms, trying to force her wailing out of his mind as he makes her up some formula milk and warms it slowly in Lilly's microwave. He presses a light kiss to Ellie's cheek before letting her have a suck on the bottle, immediately making her crying disappear and bringing a slight smile to Scotty's face as he realises to start off with he's guessed correctly what she wants, and that's got to be a start, hasn't it?
After she's drank almost the whole bottle he changes her diaper and manages to unlock Lilly's back door to get to the bin, leaving it slightly open to let some of the slight breeze makes its way into the room that the slight increase in summer weather May had brought had made a little stuffy. He then changes Ellie's baby grow into something he'd bought for her on his spontaneous trip of buying baby things this morning, and though it's a little big for her, it could be the worse way round, so he just presses another little kiss to her skin, and can't help the grin he has himself as her mouth turns into a little smile.
"You're a very pretty little girl, you know that?" he says to her, giving her nose a little poke, making her laugh a little, "You look a lot like your auntie, actually… she's gon' take such good care of you…"