Hard Smiles
I just got home last night from an emotional road trip. It is one we all face at some point but never really want to.
My Grandmother is finally passing away. I drove up to North Carolina with my sister to say our goodbyes. She had just turned 87 a couple of weeks ago, so her life certainly wasn't short or wasted.
We spent our time up there with our aging uncle before and after the hospital visit. That side of the family is a bit more like me than the other branch. But they are the outer limits of that end just as the others push the limits in their direction. Lee is an old Buddhist Hippie. Complete Vegetarian Naturalist, lives on a simple board bed in his little trailer that travels the country in search of enlightenment. His brother (my other uncle, who wasn't there on this visit) is a strict Hindu and also lives in constant search for some spiritual enlightenment, but he is settled down up north where no one ever sees him. Mom is the older sister in the family and the rebellious city-dweller.
My Grandma (now named Nana Kay by my boys and adopted as such by everyone else) is a little woman but of great presence. She stood only about 5 foot, but as I remember her most she had long silver hair (down to her knees) that she would braid and wrap around her head in a great crown. Very much the naturalist herself, she seemed also at perfect harmony in the woods where she hung out, not really an elf but more a Dryad or sorts. She and my grandfather lived most of my life in the Canadian Rockies out on a ranch in the west of nowhere, she a grand gardener and he the carpenter for the Ranch co-op they lived on. Then they "retired" to a small park in the North Carolina mountains, to a home my mom has since adopted as her retreat and our travel home.
After my grandfather passed a few years ago, she suddenly blossomed with a bright spark or artistic expression, something she had suppressed all her life until then. She drew and painted and composed and wrote at a near feverish pitch for those remaining years. Currently her children (assisted by these grandchildren) have taken on the task of trying to organize her poetry and art into some form of virtual and possibly physical book or collection to try to share. The task is rather difficult though, since she wrote and did so much and she scattered it so well between her friends and family. We all have personal pieces of treasure, but we all want to share them as well.
I had been dreading this trip for awhile, unsure what I would see and feel. To me she was always so alive and vibrant, I was afraid that my last images of her would be too contrary to this ideal. She has been rather sick lately and this last round is expected to be the last. All her wills/directives are set and clear. She has decided to let go now while she is still coherent and able to decide on her own. This last hospital round was the final step before she returned to her Home ready to die. We were there as the final decisions were made. She will go back and be comforted in what is expected to be her last few days. What surprised me and made me appreciate her even more, was the sights of the weekend. While prone to spacing out or nodding off, the moments she was with us were very much alive. She could not move much, one thing she never lost was her great smile. And that little laugh as she joked through it all. I must say this was profound to me - I think that if my muscles were to go and I were to only have one set left, the most important ones would be those that would let me smile. That to me said all I needed. She saved the best for last. She smiled at our presence and she said a few witty remarks and she seemed at total peace with herself.
I suspect that sometime this week, I will be making another post on this matter. But for now, I am still comforted by that incredible smile she left me with. I know wherever she decides to travel on her next adventure, she will continue to smile there as well. I love you and will miss you greatly Nana Kay. And I know you will brighten somewhere else soon with that spark and that smile. May your new journey be as grand and as fulfilling as this last one.
My Grandmother is finally passing away. I drove up to North Carolina with my sister to say our goodbyes. She had just turned 87 a couple of weeks ago, so her life certainly wasn't short or wasted.
We spent our time up there with our aging uncle before and after the hospital visit. That side of the family is a bit more like me than the other branch. But they are the outer limits of that end just as the others push the limits in their direction. Lee is an old Buddhist Hippie. Complete Vegetarian Naturalist, lives on a simple board bed in his little trailer that travels the country in search of enlightenment. His brother (my other uncle, who wasn't there on this visit) is a strict Hindu and also lives in constant search for some spiritual enlightenment, but he is settled down up north where no one ever sees him. Mom is the older sister in the family and the rebellious city-dweller.
My Grandma (now named Nana Kay by my boys and adopted as such by everyone else) is a little woman but of great presence. She stood only about 5 foot, but as I remember her most she had long silver hair (down to her knees) that she would braid and wrap around her head in a great crown. Very much the naturalist herself, she seemed also at perfect harmony in the woods where she hung out, not really an elf but more a Dryad or sorts. She and my grandfather lived most of my life in the Canadian Rockies out on a ranch in the west of nowhere, she a grand gardener and he the carpenter for the Ranch co-op they lived on. Then they "retired" to a small park in the North Carolina mountains, to a home my mom has since adopted as her retreat and our travel home.
After my grandfather passed a few years ago, she suddenly blossomed with a bright spark or artistic expression, something she had suppressed all her life until then. She drew and painted and composed and wrote at a near feverish pitch for those remaining years. Currently her children (assisted by these grandchildren) have taken on the task of trying to organize her poetry and art into some form of virtual and possibly physical book or collection to try to share. The task is rather difficult though, since she wrote and did so much and she scattered it so well between her friends and family. We all have personal pieces of treasure, but we all want to share them as well.
I had been dreading this trip for awhile, unsure what I would see and feel. To me she was always so alive and vibrant, I was afraid that my last images of her would be too contrary to this ideal. She has been rather sick lately and this last round is expected to be the last. All her wills/directives are set and clear. She has decided to let go now while she is still coherent and able to decide on her own. This last hospital round was the final step before she returned to her Home ready to die. We were there as the final decisions were made. She will go back and be comforted in what is expected to be her last few days. What surprised me and made me appreciate her even more, was the sights of the weekend. While prone to spacing out or nodding off, the moments she was with us were very much alive. She could not move much, one thing she never lost was her great smile. And that little laugh as she joked through it all. I must say this was profound to me - I think that if my muscles were to go and I were to only have one set left, the most important ones would be those that would let me smile. That to me said all I needed. She saved the best for last. She smiled at our presence and she said a few witty remarks and she seemed at total peace with herself.
I suspect that sometime this week, I will be making another post on this matter. But for now, I am still comforted by that incredible smile she left me with. I know wherever she decides to travel on her next adventure, she will continue to smile there as well. I love you and will miss you greatly Nana Kay. And I know you will brighten somewhere else soon with that spark and that smile. May your new journey be as grand and as fulfilling as this last one.