Life's rough patches
Hello and thanks to the people who've been so kind as to ask how I've been while I dropped off the map for a week and a half. (Not from LJ, but mostly skype buddies, since my updating schedule on my LJ is less than constant.)
So, I was all ready to take a week long trip with my mom to do my annual tradition of joining her on a trip to a work conference and basically lounging around a swanky hotel for a week. I had all the days already taken from work and I was all excited. Then, during the middle of my workshift I get a call from my mom, which is odd because she knows my schedule and only calls if it's something important. So I stepped out and answered the call.
She had just found out that her sister, my aunt, had killed herself.
My mom asked if I would go with her to Belgium, where her whole side of the family is, and I agreed, both of us crying on the phone. Me, right next to the kitchen doors where my boss saw and came over to ask what was wrong (seriously, guys, I have the coolest boss ever. She's just always awesome.) And I had to leave work to go meet my little sister who was home and I didn't want her to be alone when she found out. Luckily my older sister works with my mom so they had each other.
Anyhow, I don't know how many of you travel, but finding a flight to Europe for less than $1,000 isn't easy, and it's impossible when you're buying tickets for the next day. We flew out to LAX (never ever go there for a flight change. Ever.) And we missed our connection. Luckily, we managed to squeeze onto the last plane of the day and made it to Paris, where we caught the two trains to Belgium. And where I found out my phone had been stolen.
We finally made it to Belgium and my family's little village town, where they had the traditional three-day wake and then the funeral. I'd never lost a close family member before, and I'd never been so surrounded by sadness. And I didn't even know how to comfort people because I barely speak any French, so I felt so freaking useless the whole time.
We spent a couple more days just visiting all of the family and friends my mom knows and just spending time with my mother, my other aunt, and my Grandmother, who is so strong, I can't even imagine how she kept it together so well while arranging her own daughter's funeral, and putting the ashes in a space she'd purchased for herself when the time came.
The last couple of days were spent distracting ourselves with touristy things and shopping around Brussels before catching the train back to Paris, which is just and dirty and full of rude people and scamming thieves as I remembered it. And maybe I just wasn't much in the mood for looking at the beauty of things, or living in the moment, or whatever else I could have done. Luckily, the flight home was uneventful and I was so damn happy to see my sisters and my dog. And I went right back to work the next day.
The whole trip and all the stupid little things that went wrong ended up costing us about $6,000. I'll be paying about $4,000 because my mom needs less to worry about, and this is exactly what saving money is for. My business can wait a few years, and it's going to have to.
And I just wanted to say something about suicide, and especially to anyone who has thought of killing themselves:
I understand that life gets hard, that there are times where it feels like there's nowhere to go and no one to turn to, when absolutely everything you know has turned out fucked up. When it seems like ending it all is the only way out. I know that.
What I also know is that it's absolutely the most fucking selfish thing a person can do. When you hear about people killing themselves on television or in the paper, it talks about how much pain that person must have gone through and that it's such a sad moment for everyone. Sad? Sad is how I feel when my cookies burn. Having to find out that someone you love is dead--that they decided all their problems would disappear with them--that fucking destroys something inside of you. Every time I saw that casket, I found myself wondering what I would do if it was my own sister who had killed herself and I couldn't even finish the though without crying because even the idea of it hurt so damn much.
When you kill yourself, you don't end all of the problems, you just leave them for other people to clean up. Like a house no one can afford to pay for, or a son who wonders what he could have done to make her love him enough to stay. You leave a hole where you're supposed to be in every picture that can never be taken.
I know I'm being harsh, and don't give a shit, because it's not all about using soft words and gentle urges. Those don't always work. So if you have a little drawer with a bottle of pills, or a razor blade or even a gun, before you even consider opening it, sit the fuck down and think about every single person you love, every person who has smiled at you in passing or said hello for no reason other than they wanted to. Think about every person who's ever thanked you for doing something, or been happy to see you.
Think about every life you've ever touched, no matter how small the incident, and now imagine how much more you could do with one more day, one more week, one more year, one more decade. In those times where you wish you had something or someone to talk to, to lean on, to share your sadness or anger with. What if you could be that person? What if there's someone else, just like you, that you could be there for? That dream job you always wanted, that life you wished you could have, it's all possible. Cheesy? yeah, it is. But it's also true.
Even so, it's easy to type these words, or read them and forget them a second later. It's a hell of a lot harder to try and do it. I'm not saying it's easy, it's not. It'll be hard, and maybe painful to keep going on, but whatever shit life is throwing at you, just know that there is always, always a way past it.If you have problems, tell someone. If you have no one you can trust, call a suicide hotline. If you're being hurt by someone, call for help, the police, or even in some unfortunate situations where the local law may not be so helpful, call the police in another county and find out what you can do to get away from the situations. Just talk to someone. You are not alone, though it can sure as hell feel that way.
Don't give up. Don't ever give up, because you do matter, and you are loved.
So, I was all ready to take a week long trip with my mom to do my annual tradition of joining her on a trip to a work conference and basically lounging around a swanky hotel for a week. I had all the days already taken from work and I was all excited. Then, during the middle of my workshift I get a call from my mom, which is odd because she knows my schedule and only calls if it's something important. So I stepped out and answered the call.
She had just found out that her sister, my aunt, had killed herself.
My mom asked if I would go with her to Belgium, where her whole side of the family is, and I agreed, both of us crying on the phone. Me, right next to the kitchen doors where my boss saw and came over to ask what was wrong (seriously, guys, I have the coolest boss ever. She's just always awesome.) And I had to leave work to go meet my little sister who was home and I didn't want her to be alone when she found out. Luckily my older sister works with my mom so they had each other.
Anyhow, I don't know how many of you travel, but finding a flight to Europe for less than $1,000 isn't easy, and it's impossible when you're buying tickets for the next day. We flew out to LAX (never ever go there for a flight change. Ever.) And we missed our connection. Luckily, we managed to squeeze onto the last plane of the day and made it to Paris, where we caught the two trains to Belgium. And where I found out my phone had been stolen.
We finally made it to Belgium and my family's little village town, where they had the traditional three-day wake and then the funeral. I'd never lost a close family member before, and I'd never been so surrounded by sadness. And I didn't even know how to comfort people because I barely speak any French, so I felt so freaking useless the whole time.
We spent a couple more days just visiting all of the family and friends my mom knows and just spending time with my mother, my other aunt, and my Grandmother, who is so strong, I can't even imagine how she kept it together so well while arranging her own daughter's funeral, and putting the ashes in a space she'd purchased for herself when the time came.
The last couple of days were spent distracting ourselves with touristy things and shopping around Brussels before catching the train back to Paris, which is just and dirty and full of rude people and scamming thieves as I remembered it. And maybe I just wasn't much in the mood for looking at the beauty of things, or living in the moment, or whatever else I could have done. Luckily, the flight home was uneventful and I was so damn happy to see my sisters and my dog. And I went right back to work the next day.
The whole trip and all the stupid little things that went wrong ended up costing us about $6,000. I'll be paying about $4,000 because my mom needs less to worry about, and this is exactly what saving money is for. My business can wait a few years, and it's going to have to.
And I just wanted to say something about suicide, and especially to anyone who has thought of killing themselves:
I understand that life gets hard, that there are times where it feels like there's nowhere to go and no one to turn to, when absolutely everything you know has turned out fucked up. When it seems like ending it all is the only way out. I know that.
What I also know is that it's absolutely the most fucking selfish thing a person can do. When you hear about people killing themselves on television or in the paper, it talks about how much pain that person must have gone through and that it's such a sad moment for everyone. Sad? Sad is how I feel when my cookies burn. Having to find out that someone you love is dead--that they decided all their problems would disappear with them--that fucking destroys something inside of you. Every time I saw that casket, I found myself wondering what I would do if it was my own sister who had killed herself and I couldn't even finish the though without crying because even the idea of it hurt so damn much.
When you kill yourself, you don't end all of the problems, you just leave them for other people to clean up. Like a house no one can afford to pay for, or a son who wonders what he could have done to make her love him enough to stay. You leave a hole where you're supposed to be in every picture that can never be taken.
I know I'm being harsh, and don't give a shit, because it's not all about using soft words and gentle urges. Those don't always work. So if you have a little drawer with a bottle of pills, or a razor blade or even a gun, before you even consider opening it, sit the fuck down and think about every single person you love, every person who has smiled at you in passing or said hello for no reason other than they wanted to. Think about every person who's ever thanked you for doing something, or been happy to see you.
Think about every life you've ever touched, no matter how small the incident, and now imagine how much more you could do with one more day, one more week, one more year, one more decade. In those times where you wish you had something or someone to talk to, to lean on, to share your sadness or anger with. What if you could be that person? What if there's someone else, just like you, that you could be there for? That dream job you always wanted, that life you wished you could have, it's all possible. Cheesy? yeah, it is. But it's also true.
Even so, it's easy to type these words, or read them and forget them a second later. It's a hell of a lot harder to try and do it. I'm not saying it's easy, it's not. It'll be hard, and maybe painful to keep going on, but whatever shit life is throwing at you, just know that there is always, always a way past it.If you have problems, tell someone. If you have no one you can trust, call a suicide hotline. If you're being hurt by someone, call for help, the police, or even in some unfortunate situations where the local law may not be so helpful, call the police in another county and find out what you can do to get away from the situations. Just talk to someone. You are not alone, though it can sure as hell feel that way.
Don't give up. Don't ever give up, because you do matter, and you are loved.