Deliver me unto my fate.
Said the black man at my roleplaying game in the wee hours of the morning today. Hmmkay, we'll just see how you feel when damn near your entire race, religion & culture is massacred on a level I compare to that of the Holocaust. (Blame me? How many Jews are still around? And how many Natives do you find walking around compared to that?)
Just got home from doing my weekly Shadowrun roleplaying game. It was the last one for a while; had only meant to do 2 short games, which turned into a 2 month fiasco. Some games were great, others were hideous disasters. Overall the turnout was less than stellar, with 3 players choosing to go and see Transformers instead of sticking around, leaving me for an hour or so alone in my friend's apt, in which I decided to clean his dishes to keep myself busy till people started showing up. Over roughly the 4-6 hours people were over we got to game maybe 20-30 mins, and I have to admit i'm extremely disappointed. I had actually been extremely depressed from Sunday till Monday, and hadn't felt like going and being social at all, but had a lot of fun things planned, work on loot the players would get to divy out, etc, and since it was the last game I came anyways. Although we ended up just sitting around and BSing the whole night, I still feel like my last game was pretty much a failure, and that I as a GM/Storyteller failed, because people would rather sit and talk about Transformers, their shitty job, sex, or whatever, that usually seems to happen pretty regularly at my games. It's the kind of thing I didn't used to have a problem with, but I also used to be able to direct much more energy & enthusiasm into my roleplaying games than before. I suppose you could equate it to an artist who has no muse, or no great inspiration at all. For a very long time now i've lost any motivation from life, none of the things that really got me off mentally do it for me anymore. Here's a bizarre metaphor for you all to puzzle about...I feel like i'm a speeding train, full of corpses. And as I go past stations not even stopping, I just toss off more and more bodies, and i'm running low. Now most people will not get that, so i'll explain. I feel like there's a big shit ton of icky, bad feelings inside of me (bodies, my past) and i'm going through all that shit at once (the speeding train). I'm trying to get through it (throwing the bodies off), and i'm getting through it (running low) but what do I do when I run out, and I reach the end of the line? Am I just gonna crash & burn? Will I finally be rid of some of the depression that's fueled & haunted me for years? Or will I just finally end up keeling over and dying? I'm not trying to scare you all, this is just the shit that goes through my head. It reminds me of Nicolas Cage's character from Lord of War, in which he asks his little brother, "Why are you so fucked up all the time?" The answer? "Because I am." I am, what I am.
So now I sit here with my stomach in pain, grumbling like crazy as I try and down toast & Nestle Instant Breakfast drink, pretty much feeling miserable, pissed off as hell, and damn near...well not suicidal, but in a kind of mood in which I feel like harming myself. I recognize mentally this as the lack of serotonin levels in my brain now, there is no "happy" in this happy cat, my happy has run out, and the only bit that comes out is not happy, it's just pure rage. Pissed off, angry, rage. Most of it is directed at myself, some of it at my friends, a lot of it at my family (though not Lisa(K). W/out getting into it too much, i'll simply state that i'm fucking sick and tired of dealing with drunk people. Isn't that a fucking bitch though? An alcoholic complaining about alcoholics, how fucking hypocritical.
Jesus Christ, am I done yet? I don't feel like stopping anytime soon, really. I'm just..full, I guess. Full of hate, full of pain, full of depression, full of ideas, full of enthusiasm I feel is wasted on my friends. Sometimes...I try and expend more and more energy into my roleplaying game, spending time during my week downloading gaming books, reading, poring over them to learn obscure rules, not to be cliche, but to be literally the best GM I can be, no, the best fucking EVER. I dunno that i'll ever reach that pinnacle of gaming greatness, but it's how i'd like to be remembered. Not just as "that guy in a trench coat, who drank lots of Mt Dew and played lots of games", but "Will, yeah, he was the fucking Ubergamer, one of the best!" I'll find out someday, though of course I won't be around by then.
On a lighter note, I have a new addition to my room...a Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus frisbee, it's sitting propped up against some stuff by my lamp. You might wonder why I have it sitting there, or think you know....it's to remind me to smile, or at least try and smile. It's hard, sometimes. Just to find something to be happy about. I'm not sure if I wrote on here or not about him, but I have a new friend, his name is Horace, but I call him Horatio. And he smiles, and laughs, ALL the time. Even the most simple things he'll smile and laugh about. He's only 19, but it's so nice to have someone who's not so scarred, hurt and cynical about life that he can still just laugh about things. I said, on a lighter note, and i'm gonna try and not have this post be all negative. Though i'm sure you all have noticed that compared to previous years i've mostly been refraining this year from making posts like these. The reason being, that well, I don't really feel like they did much good. A couple of them I know for sure were harmful in one way or another, so whenever I have felt like shit, I just listened to my music, played my games, and kept my thoughts to myself. Am I better, or worse for it? I don't know. Last year was truly, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the absolute worst year of my entire life. Like a giant, gaping, gushing wound through my heart, that slowly healed until I could deal, and this year was the healing of that wound, dealing with those issues, and i've done it alone. This is the positive part though, i'm not OK, but i'm still alive, i'm still fighting. I'm not complacent anymore to just exist in life the way I had been, I want to be a better person. I don't want to hold grudges over perceived slights against me for years, I don't want to get upset over silly, stupid shit, I want to learn temperance, and tolerance of simply how some people are. I'm going to change for the better, and i'm not asking for help with it, nor will I accept it.
You don't really know where you stand
Till you know that you won't run away
~Slipknot, Sulfur
I can't guarentee i'll be better towards you all, that i'll treat you better, or how you deserve, or how you feel you deserve. In all honesty, I feel like a lot of my changes will be in being more forthcoming with how I feel about a lot of things, some of them being behaviours of different people. I might become harder, maybe even cynical, like the bastard I used to be when I was a teenager. For what it's worth, i'm just trying to do, and become, someone who as a person i'll be more proud to be, to say "Yeah, that's ME. I don't take any shit, from anybody." I guess that's how my grandpa was, though I never even truly got to know him. Maybe a bit of him has finally rubbed off on me. So thanks for putting up with me till now, I hope someday soon i'll be able to pay you all back. It pretty much goes w/out saying by now, but I know it's been a long time since I said it on here, fucking love ya, all.
Love & Peace,
Will
P.S. Ahh, feel so much better now. Time to go play Bioshock, and destroy...