(no subject)
Title:1/?
Author: jenisaks
Date: may 2001
Fandom: X-files/JAG
Pairing: Skinner/Chegwidden
Category: Slash m/m sex , as in gay sex
Rating: NC-17
Status: WIP
Archive: Yes just ask, or put in link www.geocities.com/wskinnerlover/unf1.html
Feedback: yes, jenisaks@hotmail.com
Series/Sequel: not at this time
Other websites: jenisaks.com
Disclaimers: Don't own them, somebody else does.
Beta: Nic, JD and Bertina, thank you for your great work.
Summary: Chegwidden after a long life, finally comes to terms with what he needs in life only to put it on the line.
Notes: //Chegwidden's thoughts.// and [[ Skinner's thoughts.]]
* * * * *
On the road
Behind the wheel, AJ was lost in thought.
//Shit, AJ, this is maybe the dumbest thing you have ever done. This could risk everything that really matters.//
Taking a deep breath, he let it out slowly.
//This could be the night I lose him.//
AJ cast a glance at the man next to him. He was staring out the side window and wouldn't look at AJ.
//Hell!! AJ, you put yourself in the hot spot. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. There's no going back now. //
Shaking his head and casting another glance at the other man, AJ realized he hadn't moved an inch.
//I finally figure out what I want and I give it away. How stupid is that? God, I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life, I just know I will. Shit shit shit. I really fucked up. Maybe I should just shoot myself.//
Just as that thought passed, his driveway came into view. He turned in and parked behind the car that was all ready there.
* * * * *
One week earlier
J. Edgar Hoover building
Chegwidden walked through the main entrance and came to a stop atop the large seal that read 'FBI'. A smile creased his face. He was looking forward to seeing his old buddy, Skinman. It was hard to imagine that it had been more than thirty years since they first met in a VA hospital in Saigon where they had been in beds right next to each other.
They'd spent long days, bedridden, with nothing to do but talk. And talk they had. It didn't take them long to figure out that they didn't just like each other's company. They saw eye to eye on so many things. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. AJ couldn't help chuckling at that stupid cliché but it was true nonetheless.
* * * * *
Despite the pain, anger, fear and guilt, those were good days. Walter had been in a lot of despair, so guilt ridden, asking himself the never-ending question: //Why him, why had HE survived, why not one of the others? Why not Kevin?// Kevin had been Walter's friend. They were in the same unit together. Kevin had died in the ambush that left Walter himself on death's door. Walter and Kevin had also been lovers. AJ found out one night when Walter's wounds had become infected and the resulting fever made him delirious. Drifting in and out of consciousness, he murmured through his hallucinations. AJ had sat on the edge of Walter's bed and tried to comfort him while he cried out for Kevin. AJ cursed the lack of nurses and held Walter, talking softly in soothing nonsense words. Suddenly he had opened his eyes, blank with fever. AJ still remembered the shock that hit him with Walter's words.
"Oh Kevin, you're here..."
"Walter, I'm not Kevin."
But Walter didn't seem to hear him and his eyes continued to rove, not quite able to focus.
"Kevin, I...I had the worst dream...thought I'd lost you." Tears were running down his face. "I'm so glad your here...Love you...Love you so much...Can't live with out you, you know." A rueful smile crossed his lips.
"I know, I know Walter. Shhhh...Go back to sleep now. You need to rest."
"I love you Kevin. Don't ever leave me. Pro...promise me. Please don't leave. Promise."
Walters' heartfelt pleading left AJ with an aching pain in his chest and tightness in his throat. AJ's own tears fell freely.
"I promise. I won't ever leave you Walter. Now sleep, my friend."
"Okay, love." At last, Walter let out a relieved sigh and fell back to the bed.
After Walter had fallen asleep, AJ realized that he didn't feel disgusted by Walter loving another man but that he had a weird feeling in his stomach when he thought about it. Where had that come from? He pushed the thought away. Walter woke many times that night and each time he soothed him back to sleep by holding him, saying he loved him and stroking his hair.
* * * * *
Walter had hair then and so did he. AJ smiled at that thought. While Walter had a tough time with losing his hair, he wasn't bothered by his own loss. How many times had he heard Walter complain about his hair? Too many.
AJ smiled to himself as people walked past him, throwing surreptitious looks his way. Suddenly aware of his behavior, he shook himself from his daze.
//That must have looked pretty odd.// He chuckled.
He walked through the security checkpoint and headed for the elevator. Another memory came to mind - one that had changed his view of life.
* * * * *
That morning long ago he'd woken with his arms full and a forehead resting against his jaw. Not quite awake, he'd turned to place a soft kiss at the hairline and nuzzle the soft hair. The object of his attention emitted a moan that woke him with a start. He was lying on his side with a leg thrown over Walter's and he became aware of his morning erection pressed against his friend's hip. Frozen in place, he held his breath and released it slowly when he realized Walter was still asleep. Thank God the fever had broken. Obliging his overwhelming need to pee, he eased out of bed being careful to not disturb his friend. He put the bed rail up before leaving for the bathroom.
When he returned to the ward, he saw nurse McGrath - AKA the nurse from Hell - leave Walter's bed with a catheter bag in her hand. He poked his head around the screen.
"Hey Skinman, you okay?"
"Shit, no. The *bitch* just removed my catheter. I think my dick is black and blue. I pity her husband, the poor bastard. God I thought she was going to rip it off."
AJ almost went green with sympathetic pain.
"You know, it should be written into the Constitution that no one should have to endure nurses like McGrath. I wouldn't even wish her on the VC. That would be cruel and unusual punishment. Hey, isn't torture against the Geneva Convention?"
"It sure is. Hey, maybe if we write our Congressman...You think that'll help get her out of here? Nah... They're probably too busy bashing us back home. Some might argue we deserve it." Stoic silence fell upon them.
Breaking the silence "Hey Walter, let's not go there, okay?"
"Okay Cheg. I've got a more pressing problem here anyway." A horrified look appeared on his face.
"Like what?"
"Her, that bitch. She's coming back to HELP me. She wants me to use the urinal. Shit!! I don't want her anywhere near my dick." He hissed through clenched teeth.
"Okay, okay take it easy. We'll think of something," AJ reassured him, trying desperately to think of something but his brain was temporarily out of order.
"Oh yeah? Like what? Hold it till the next shift begins? Shit, I can't hold it that long, I have to go now. I didn't get a chance before she removed that damn thing." Panic was starting to show in Walter's eyes.
"Okay, wait just a sec." AJ snuck his head around the screen and checked for their personal nightmare.
"All clear. If I can plan black ops then I can handle this too."
He checked around the screen again and seeing no sign of McGrath, he grabbed the urinal from the bedside table. Quickly, he pulled down Walter's blanket. Taking a deep breath, he took a hold of Walter's penis and placed it in the urinal. Walter relived himself with a long heartfelt sigh. When he was done, AJ shook him off and placed the urinal in the holder on the side of the bed. He was unaware that he was still holding Walter in his hand and that the organ was starting to react. As if in a trance he became aware of the twitching organ in his hand. Mesmerized, he watched it grow and unable to stop himself, gave it an encouraging little squeeze. An almost inaudible moan came out of Walter. AJ looked at the half erect cock as he stroked it with his thumb. It grew harder, the head turning purple. AJ's brain chanted
//OhmyGod ohmyGod...shit. I have another man's penis in my hand. No, wait, I have another man's ERECT penis in my hand.//
He wanted to run screaming from the room but was unable to move a muscle in his body, except his hand that seemed to have a life of it's own. His hand was stroking and squeezing with intent. Walter moaned, moving his hips the little he was able. Small noises that came out of Walter made AJ turn his head to look at him. Walter was glowing, a slight sheen of sweat combined with a flush. His eyes were half closed but his pupils sparkled under dark lashes.
//Beautiful// AJ thought //BEAUTIFUL! How the hell did I decide another man is beautiful? Fuck!! AJ your sanity just went out the window.//
Walter gasped and made a minute buck into AJ's hand. Walter's tongue snuck out to lick his lips and for a moment, AJ wanted to follow it with his own. Another buck and a "please" made AJ take another look at the cock in his hand. It was leaking clear fluid and he felt a sudden need to taste it. Without thinking, he leaned forward and brought his tongue into contact with Walter's stiff cock. It tasted of salt and he lapped at the head again and again. Suddenly he had the head in his mouth, swirling his tongue around and sucking it.
//Oh God! I'm actually sucking Walter's cock and...I think I...I like it. Shit!! How did this happen?!//
Lost in his thoughts, he didn't hear Walter's warning. Walter's orgasm exploded in his mouth and his reflexes made him swallow when the semen hit the roof of his mouth. He kept sucking while the organ softened and let it slip from his mouth. A panicked hiss from it's owner finally dragged him from his state.
"AJ! AJ, snap out of it!"
As he came to his senses, running the back of his hand over his mouth, he became acutely aware of the approaching footsteps. Grabbing the covers, he threw them back over Walter. Just then, McGrath appeared from behind the screen. AJ grabbed the urinal from its holder and held it out toward the nurse. His face turned crimson and "Here" was all he could say. She looked from the urinal to Skinner and back again, seeming almost disappointed. Handing over the urinal, AJ bolted without a backward glance. He went straight to his bed and worked at getting his breathing back under control. It was a few minutes before he noticed his own aching erection. He lay silent, stunned by his body's reaction. McGrath walked past his bed with Walter's urinal.
"Pssst. Hey, AJ, you okay?" Walter required from behind the screen.
Clearing his throat. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Uh... I owe you one... that is if ...you know." He hesitated. "Just say when...Okay?"
An image of Walter's mouth engulfing his cock shot across AJ's mind. He could feel the desire to thrust into that wet mouth. The image died out quickly, only to be replaced by another image of him thrusting into tight heat as Walter pressed back to meet his thrusts. The combination was enough to make AJ come without even touching himself.
"Oh my G..." he sighed as the spasms left him drained.
Chuckles came from behind the screen. Walter had heard.
"Skinman, I'm all yours but only if you're up for a repeat." An impish grin spread across his face. He couldn't believe it, but it seemed so right.
"You're on, squid." Walter laughed.
* * * * *
AJ shook himself from his reverie as the elevator doors opened in front of him. Stepping in, he remembered leaving Walter behind in the hospital to rejoin his SEAL team, and the pain and regret he had felt in doing so. Pulling something short of a miracle, he had managed months later to get R&R time in conjunction with Walter's release.
Today was the exact date. Today, thirty years ago, he picked Walter up at the VA hospital. They'd spent the last few days together, before Walter was shipped back to the states and AJ went back to join his SEAL team. Those had probably been the best days of his life, right up there with his wedding day and Francesca's birth.
AJ moved to the back of the elevator. His thoughts wandered back to Walter who had occupied his mind almost constantly. A lot of *what ifs* had been running through his head. Lately, especially, he was wondering what would have happened if Walter had waited for him.
//Could I really have had given up my career for him? Could Walter have given up his own? I'm not sure.//
At the time all he could do was smile, as he desperately tried to keep himself together. His heart had been broken. It had taken years, before his heart resembled anything close to whole, by that time Marcella, Francesca and his SEAL team was gone. Gone, nothing left but a lonely existence. No matter who had entered his bed, even though he had cared for that person, they hadn't gained a place in his heart. Maybe that was why there was always that quiet loneliness following him around. Always something missing.
//*Shit,* lying to myself. Way to go AJ!! You know darn well that *something,* the someone you'd been waiting for, had always been Walter.//
A heavy sigh earned him sideway glances from the other occupants of the elevator.
//Oh Walter, what fools we've been. Well, today's the day. Today we're going to fix this. Never again am I going to let other people stand in our way.//
The shit-eating grin grew wider, almost predatory. His confidence rose patting the small box in his pocket.
//Yes, it's time to attack. He's not going to know what hit him.// At that thought, his enthusiasm deflated a little.
// Yeah right! Lying again are we? Shit! He's going to take one look at me and I'll turn into a babbling fool like I always do, losing my nerve to tell him how I really feel, what I want. Yeah, what do you want, AJ? Be honest here! *Him.* I want every thing with him. To stop dwelling on the past and create the future. That is this mission's goal. *Create the future*... our future... together.// The ping of the elevator doors opening stirred him from his internal monologue, and he made it out of the elevator just before the doors closed on him.
AJ walked into Skinner's front office where Kim was sitting behind her desk.
"Hi, Kim. Is he finished for the day? Can I go straight in?" he asked, gesturing at the office door.
"Admiral, sir. Well, he was, but one of the agents is with him right now. He insisted on seeing the AD. It shouldn't take long, sir." She gave him a strained smile and cast an anxious look towards Skinner's door.
As he turned to follow her glance, he heard the raised angry voices, which quickly turned into yelling. Suddenly the door was ripped open and a man stormed out. He ran straight into AJ and just for a second, hazel eyes met soft brown.
"Excuse me." The man walked around him and left. AJ watched him go then sent Kim an inaudible question by raising his eyebrows, she sent one right back, just shaking her head.
"Kim, have you....Oh there you are. Come on in, Cheg." Walter held the door and let AJ in.
"Kim, I'll be leaving soon, so why don't you finish up here and go home? Have a nice weekend."
"Thank you, sir, you too. I'm already done here, so I'll be leaving now. See you Monday, sir."
As Walter closed the door AJ noticed how tired he looked.
"Hey." Trying to lighten the mood AJ flashed a million dollar grin.
"Hey yourself, squid."
"So what...No hug?" AJ's grin lost some of the brightness.
"Sorry, I've been just a little distracted. Office politics.kind of." Walter seemed deflated. That had AJ worried.
"Come here Walter, you look like you could really use a big old bear hug."
Walter slipped silently into his arms. He buried his face in AJ's neck, breathing in his scent and letting it comfort him. As always, it soothed him and began stripping away all his worries. Strange, he thought, how a scent could ground him like that. AJ used his hands to run slow gentle circles across his back. Sensing the man in his arms was slowly relaxing, AJ tightened his grip.
[[Ahhh...feels so good. It's been far too long. I've been too busy to notice how I miss this. How I miss him. AJ, the love of my life. In his arms, nothing else matters. Nothing, nothing-just me and him.]]
Two men standing in the middle of a room silently giving and receiving love. The last tension ebbed from Walter's body, as he nuzzled AJ's neck, sniffing him. It, the scent, almost made him high. He lost himself in the Admiral's smell, remembering the first time he smelled it.
* * * * *
I woke up in a panic, unable to move. A shudder went through me. A moment later, I felt a minute squeeze. I suddenly realized that someone was holding me. There was a feel of stubble grazing my forehead.
What...Who?
I decided to take a look instead of asking questions I couldn't answer anyway. Turning up my chin, I opened my eyes. I found myself looking straight into AJ's sleeping face. His face was smooth in sleep and he looked like a little kid even though he was older than me.
My eyes lingered over his full lips that just begged to be kissed. All I had to do was raise myself a couple of inches. I moved up, brushing a feather light kiss on his soft lips. AJ stirred in his sleep, moving his lips with an automatic response against mine. Suddenly, I was shivering with goose bumps all over.
Oh God, so good.
The object of my attention shifted and began to awaken. I could not help but respond to AJ's semi-conscious necking.
I remember thinking, "Are those his lips on my forehead? God please move them lower, come on, lower, lower -yes, yes- almost there."
His hand was in my hair, his scent was making me fly. Unsuccessfully, I tried to squash a moan as I noticed the considerable erection pressed against my hip. I was in heaven. Unfortunately, my moan woke up AJ. I almost sighed in disappointment. As AJ eased out of bed, I was strangely relieved that he had not sensed my growing erection. For a moment I wished that I was able to jack myself off so I could take a piss.
No, I realized, I had to piss first.
I tried to think of something to make my erection diminish. But all I could think about was AJ. How he felt when he was holding me. For the longest time I felt safe and..loved? I thought I was going crazy. AJ was straight, married with a child on the way for God's sake!
In my musings, I hadn't heard the footsteps coming closer.
"Mr. Skinner, I see we are doing better."
Then she noticed the tent pole under the blanket. To my horror, she just about ripped the covers down. The erection was painful enough with the catheter in but the fullness of my bladder was making it worse. An evil grin crossed her face.
"Well well well, Mr. Skinner." She tsked and shook her head. "Don't you worry now. I'll take care of that."
Before I could protest, she had grabbed my dick and squeezed it really hard. I thought my eyes would pop right out of my head. I gasped for breath. Just as I was convinced that nothing could possibly hurt more, she ripped out the catheter. I squashed a scream, not wanting to give the bitch the satisfaction of hearing it.
Her evil grin grew wider as she traced her finger along my shaft.
I had to go so bad. But I would be damned if I'd ask her for help. I'd rather piss myself.
"I'll be right back to help you, sweetie." A grin of sheer evil had graced her features.
"It's about time we got you started using the urinal, don't you think? Now don't you worry, I'll be around to help you."
The promise of more pain to come hung in the air as she turned to leave.
At least the erection was gone, easing some of the need. At that thought, the need to pee came back with a vengeance.
* * * * *
A shiver went through him at the remembered terror. AJ tightened his grip and ran his hand up and down Walter's back.
"You okay Skinman?"
"Yeah." The word slipped past lips with a sigh. "Yeah, just a nasty flashback."
"Care to tell me about it?"
"One word: McGrath!" Walter's nostrils flared as he spat out the name. They both shivered involuntary.
"You know, I thought about her today." AJ nuzzled the top of his head placing tiny kisses along the long gone hairline.
"Really? You know it was a good thing that you were there to protect me. I wouldn't have survived if you hadn't been there. I would have lost my balls that's for sure. I'm so glad you made sure she didn't get her hands on my private parts ever again."
Thinking back, after the incident, AJ had always been a couple of steps ahead of McGrath, helping him with every personal need he'd had.
"Thank God. Did you ever watch that movie...Ah what's it's name? Jack Nicholson was in it, he was in a loony bin."
"What, you mean "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"?"
"Yeah that's the one. There was this nurse."
"Nurse Ratchett."
"You know, I never knew how it ended, I couldn't watch it. It made me physically sick. Sharon and I went to the movie theater to watch it and I spent most of the time in the restroom. Told her I had a stomach bug."
"Maybe we should look up McGrath."
"Yeah and pull out her uterus through her big mouth, then kill her. But not before removing all her body hair, one by one with tweezers. " A shiver went through Walter.
"Shit! Just the thought of touching her makes me want to puke."
"Well, maybe we should just... thank her."
"WHAT?" Walter's head shot up from AJ's shoulder where it had been resting peacefully.
"Well, if it hadn't been for her, I would never have touched you."
"No?"
"I think it was the one single time in my life that I've acted completely impulsively. I mean, without even thinking of the action or the repercussions. I just followed my instinct. Without her and her evil twisted mind, I don't think I would ever have been in that position."
"Never thought about it that way. So, does that mean we can't kill her?"
"No, we can't kill her, Walter."
"Just a little bit? Please? Remember that I'm an Assistant Director of the FBI. I bet we could get away with it. I know all the loopholes."
"In that case, I better remember to always stay on your good side. Let's forget about McGrath. Tonight is about us, just you and me."
"So, what have you got planned?"
"I heard something about, 'The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.' So my plan includes good food and great wine. I made reservations at your favorite restaurant."
"Ah... Italian that will get you places. You're a clever man, AJ."
"Actually clever has nothing to do with it." Winking at the man in his arms. His hand graced a small box that was burning a hole in his pocket and he wondered if he should take it out or wait. Walter's reply decided it.
"Oh really...in that case, lets go."
* * * * *
ANNIVERSARY DINNER
Friday night
"So he's back and you're giving him hell..." Walter was wearing a smug grin. AJ didn't answer.
"I'll bet you have the most boring assignments for him. Make him suffer, AJ. He deserves it for leaving. Walking out on you of all people..."
Walter knew all too well what loyalty meant to AJ. He recalled what Marcella leaving had done to his friend. He remembered the anguish in AJ's voice when he had called him back then, it had torn at his own heart. Walter had been on a plane less than two hours later. That had been the only time Walter had ever been unfaithful to Sharon in their 17-year marriage. The first tumble had been heated, fast and hard. When that was out of the way, they made slow, passionate love. It had been so sweet, beautiful even. It was a memory that still had a profound effect on him. Touched him deeply. He guessed that it meant the same to AJ. Actually he didn't have to guess, he knew. That encounter had almost made him leave Sharon right then and there. Walter had the feeling that something was up today but what it was, he couldn't figure out. Other than that, it was apparent AJ was nervous. But Walter knew he'd find out when AJ was good and ready.
"Yeah, well it kind of came as a surprise. What an understatement. Hell!! I can and do expect a lot from Rabb but not that. Still, I've never been that disappointed..." //Well maybe I have but that's got nothing to do with him.// He looked up from his plate, meeting gentle brown eyes across the table. Trying desperately to hold on to his Admiral's demeanor, yet not quite succeeding.
That earned him raised eyebrows and Walter trying to suppress a teasing smile.
[[Ah, AJ hiding again are we? Come on, big boy, let it out. You can do it.]]
"Okay, so I was hurt." He shrugged "It seemed like he didn't respect me. Didn't even talk to me about what he was thinking before he turned up with the signed form requesting a change in designator. It was like he didn't even care. Hell!! Why didn't he just shoot me?!"
The last came out in a raised voice. AJ had guilt written on his face. It didn't sit well with him to have given that away, not even to Walter, and he knew that he knew.
"AJ, if I know you, and I can say with absolute certainty that *I* do..." Walter took a deep breath letting the air out in a huff. "*You* cut him down, did you not? He didn't get a chance in hell to square anything with you, now did he!!" AJ was shuffling his food around the plate not even looking at him. He tried again.
"Did you even talk to him??" Walter sighed and leaned back in the chair.
"AJ, why not talk now that he's back? He's been back for months. You're old enough to know not to let a mistake like that go unresolved." Walter was still not getting a response so he leaned forward, elbows on the table, chin resting on folded hands. [[*Shit* what the fuck's the matter with him today? Something's wrong, something that has nothing to do with this conversation. What the hell could it be?]]
AJ still would not meet his eyes. He was thinking to himself how he hated that Walter had always been able to make him feel so insecure. Turning him into a babbling fool. He had so many things he wanted to say to him but had never been able to. The words on his tongue just stuck there as if glued.
Walter sighed. "God you are a pigheaded, stubborn old fool." He leaned back, leaving his hand on the table, absently playing with his napkin. Looking up with uncertainty in his eyes it made AJ look like a lost little boy. He hurriedly fixed them on Walter's hand.
"Yeah...but you love me anyway..." Rather than a statement, it came out a question with a slight whine. Horrified with his own response, AJ scrambled mentally for his surly demeanor. He cursed inwardly, damning his loss of control. There was too much riding on this evening for him to fuck it up like this. The least he could do was sounding like he had it together. //Okay, take it easy and let's see if you can turn this around.// Finally he was able to steel his uncertainties.
[[Unbelievable. A man who just turned fifty looking like a schoolboy,]] thought Walter. [[And he wants, craves my approval and love.]]
"Yes I do, I told you a long time ago that it would never change and I was right. I will never stop loving you no matter how stubborn, pigheaded, annoying, loyal, kind, loveable, gorgeous and sexy you are." He flashed AJ a blinding smile.
"You forgot virile." AJ grinned back.
"I did, didn't I." Walters smile turned to a devilish grin. [[Don't I know it.]]
//Okay AJ, get it out, I know you can do it.// Taking a deep breath to steady himself, AJ tried to relax his tense body. //Here we go.//
"Walter, I...I think we should celebrate, I mean it is kind of an anniversary, right?"
"Hey, we are celebrating." Looking more closely at the man across the table, Walter noticed he was turning a pretty shade of pink. "So, what did you have in mind?" [[As if I didn't know.]]
//Oh God! He's doing it again. He's going to make me say it.// Looking around trying to seem inconspicuous taking in the surroundings. // Okay, okay- take a deep breath let it out slowly. Don't panic. You can do this, you can, you can. Here we go. I can do confident. Do it all the time. Yeah... right then why do I feel like a bug about to get squashed?// AJ managed to put his face into relaxed folds.
"Well, I thought...Why-why not celebrate the way we did back then, you know..." AJ's ears turned crimson. Berating himself for sounding so pathetic, he started shuffling his food around again.
Walter almost laughed out loud.[[Oh...Now we're getting somewhere.]]
"Oh, you mean me fucking you through the mattress?" He suppressing a grin at AJ's suddenly upturned face. "Hell, AJ, I'd love to. Your place or mine? Perhaps we should go to your place, since it's closer."
"Sure, okay."
"AJ, you okay? AJ? Please look at me."
"Walter, I'm sorry...I...I feel like... like everyone is looking at me and they know."
"What? It's not like you to be so self-conscious. What is really wrong? Come on, you can tell me."
"It is really stupid...I mean really stupid. You will laugh, I just know you will."
"No I won't...I promise. Come on, give."
"I do not know where this came from, but all of a sudden I feel like thirty years ago. All nervous and shaking like a virgin about to get his cherry popped. I know...I know it is stupid. I told you it was."
"No it's not...it is kind of sweet actually. I do hope you knew back then that it meant the world to me, to be able to make love to you. It still does. They aren't empt words, I love you. I have from the first time I met you." He reached for AJ's hand across the table, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"AJ, please look at me!" He met Walter's soft eyes. "I...Love...You. Do not dare to ever forget that. No matter what happens, nothing and I do mean nothing, will ever... ever change that." There was uncertainty still on the big guy's face.
[[ Damn Marcella for doing this to him. And me, I never should have married Sharon. If only I had waited.]]
"Why didn't I wait?"
It took a moment before he realized he'd said it out loud. When he did, he looked at AJ and spoke from his heart.
"I have loved you for more than thirty years, what could possibly make you think that I would suddenly just stop?"
"But you love Mulder too!" Walter tried to protest. "Don't lie to me...I know...I can see it in your eyes- they light up like a Christmas tree when you talk about him." Shifting in his seat, trying to shake the hurt look he knew was showing.
"And you always do, you know! I can't think of a single time we've spent together since you've known him, when his name didn't come up in some context." In his mind there was an instant recall of Mulder running into him in Walter's front office, compared to Mulder, AJ felt old and unable to compete.
"Me? What about you and Rabb? Are you in love with him? You mention him every time we talk. Do you want him in your bed? Well, do you?"
"No!!" AJ sputtered. "I want you! I've never even looked at another man that way let alone thought about making love to one. And certainly not Rabb!"
AJ tried to calm down, hoping no one in the restaurant would notice their intent stare and raised voices.
"Rabb is more like the son I never had. When I talk about him, it is with the love and pride of a father. But you already knew that, didn't you, Walter?"
"Yes I did and you're right. I do love Mulder, but it does not change anything between you and I. Please believe that."
"If you could have him, would you?"
Skinner didn't answer for a moment.
"AJ come on, let's go home to bed." He gave him a big smile, but only got a hesitated one in return.
"But you-"
"AJ, let's not go there. It doesn't matter. I don't have a chance in hell with Mulder. And even if I did have a shot at him..." He took a deep breath, "you mean more to me than anyone."
Walter saw that AJ still wasn't convinced. He needed to hold him, kiss him, to make love to this wonderful man. His need was growing to almost unbearable heights.
[[If he will not hear my words, then I'll just have to show him.]] A mischievous grin spread across Walter's face. [[Yeah, I'll show him all right.]] The grin Walter sported made AJ's heart jump.
"Cheg, take off your right shoe."
"What? Why?"
"Just do it."
"It's off."
"Now, put you foot in my crotch."
"I can't do that here! Someone is bound to see." A slight panic showed in his eyes.
"No, the tablecloth will cover it. Do it!"
Lifting his foot, AJ placed it carefully in Walter's lap. He felt the warmth of a hard bulge twitching under the sole of his foot.
"Oh..."
"That is all for you, all because of you. No one else. You do that to me." Deliberately, he licked his lips slowly. "Come on, put your shoe back on and let's get out of here. I want to lick every inch of that gorgeous body of yours." That earned him a huge grin and the sparkle returned to AJ's eyes.
"Every inch?" he asked teasingly. The desire ran down his spine to pool in his cock, making it twitch and dance with excitement.
"Yes, every last one. And *if* you are a really good boy, maybe I will kiss and suck it too."
The comment left a steely determination in AJ's eye and a wet spot on his dress pants.
"Let's go NOW, Marine." He rose unsteadily from his seat.
"We have to wait for the waiter, AJ."
"He can't have you. You're mine."
Walter laughed out loud at that.
He pulled out a stack of bills and left them on the table. In less than 10 seconds, they were out the door.
to be continued....
Author: jenisaks
Date: may 2001
Fandom: X-files/JAG
Pairing: Skinner/Chegwidden
Category: Slash m/m sex , as in gay sex
Rating: NC-17
Status: WIP
Archive: Yes just ask, or put in link www.geocities.com/wskinnerlover/unf1.html
Feedback: yes, jenisaks@hotmail.com
Series/Sequel: not at this time
Other websites: jenisaks.com
Disclaimers: Don't own them, somebody else does.
Beta: Nic, JD and Bertina, thank you for your great work.
Summary: Chegwidden after a long life, finally comes to terms with what he needs in life only to put it on the line.
Notes: //Chegwidden's thoughts.// and [[ Skinner's thoughts.]]
* * * * *
On the road
Behind the wheel, AJ was lost in thought.
//Shit, AJ, this is maybe the dumbest thing you have ever done. This could risk everything that really matters.//
Taking a deep breath, he let it out slowly.
//This could be the night I lose him.//
AJ cast a glance at the man next to him. He was staring out the side window and wouldn't look at AJ.
//Hell!! AJ, you put yourself in the hot spot. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. There's no going back now. //
Shaking his head and casting another glance at the other man, AJ realized he hadn't moved an inch.
//I finally figure out what I want and I give it away. How stupid is that? God, I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life, I just know I will. Shit shit shit. I really fucked up. Maybe I should just shoot myself.//
Just as that thought passed, his driveway came into view. He turned in and parked behind the car that was all ready there.
* * * * *
One week earlier
J. Edgar Hoover building
Chegwidden walked through the main entrance and came to a stop atop the large seal that read 'FBI'. A smile creased his face. He was looking forward to seeing his old buddy, Skinman. It was hard to imagine that it had been more than thirty years since they first met in a VA hospital in Saigon where they had been in beds right next to each other.
They'd spent long days, bedridden, with nothing to do but talk. And talk they had. It didn't take them long to figure out that they didn't just like each other's company. They saw eye to eye on so many things. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. AJ couldn't help chuckling at that stupid cliché but it was true nonetheless.
* * * * *
Despite the pain, anger, fear and guilt, those were good days. Walter had been in a lot of despair, so guilt ridden, asking himself the never-ending question: //Why him, why had HE survived, why not one of the others? Why not Kevin?// Kevin had been Walter's friend. They were in the same unit together. Kevin had died in the ambush that left Walter himself on death's door. Walter and Kevin had also been lovers. AJ found out one night when Walter's wounds had become infected and the resulting fever made him delirious. Drifting in and out of consciousness, he murmured through his hallucinations. AJ had sat on the edge of Walter's bed and tried to comfort him while he cried out for Kevin. AJ cursed the lack of nurses and held Walter, talking softly in soothing nonsense words. Suddenly he had opened his eyes, blank with fever. AJ still remembered the shock that hit him with Walter's words.
"Oh Kevin, you're here..."
"Walter, I'm not Kevin."
But Walter didn't seem to hear him and his eyes continued to rove, not quite able to focus.
"Kevin, I...I had the worst dream...thought I'd lost you." Tears were running down his face. "I'm so glad your here...Love you...Love you so much...Can't live with out you, you know." A rueful smile crossed his lips.
"I know, I know Walter. Shhhh...Go back to sleep now. You need to rest."
"I love you Kevin. Don't ever leave me. Pro...promise me. Please don't leave. Promise."
Walters' heartfelt pleading left AJ with an aching pain in his chest and tightness in his throat. AJ's own tears fell freely.
"I promise. I won't ever leave you Walter. Now sleep, my friend."
"Okay, love." At last, Walter let out a relieved sigh and fell back to the bed.
After Walter had fallen asleep, AJ realized that he didn't feel disgusted by Walter loving another man but that he had a weird feeling in his stomach when he thought about it. Where had that come from? He pushed the thought away. Walter woke many times that night and each time he soothed him back to sleep by holding him, saying he loved him and stroking his hair.
* * * * *
Walter had hair then and so did he. AJ smiled at that thought. While Walter had a tough time with losing his hair, he wasn't bothered by his own loss. How many times had he heard Walter complain about his hair? Too many.
AJ smiled to himself as people walked past him, throwing surreptitious looks his way. Suddenly aware of his behavior, he shook himself from his daze.
//That must have looked pretty odd.// He chuckled.
He walked through the security checkpoint and headed for the elevator. Another memory came to mind - one that had changed his view of life.
* * * * *
That morning long ago he'd woken with his arms full and a forehead resting against his jaw. Not quite awake, he'd turned to place a soft kiss at the hairline and nuzzle the soft hair. The object of his attention emitted a moan that woke him with a start. He was lying on his side with a leg thrown over Walter's and he became aware of his morning erection pressed against his friend's hip. Frozen in place, he held his breath and released it slowly when he realized Walter was still asleep. Thank God the fever had broken. Obliging his overwhelming need to pee, he eased out of bed being careful to not disturb his friend. He put the bed rail up before leaving for the bathroom.
When he returned to the ward, he saw nurse McGrath - AKA the nurse from Hell - leave Walter's bed with a catheter bag in her hand. He poked his head around the screen.
"Hey Skinman, you okay?"
"Shit, no. The *bitch* just removed my catheter. I think my dick is black and blue. I pity her husband, the poor bastard. God I thought she was going to rip it off."
AJ almost went green with sympathetic pain.
"You know, it should be written into the Constitution that no one should have to endure nurses like McGrath. I wouldn't even wish her on the VC. That would be cruel and unusual punishment. Hey, isn't torture against the Geneva Convention?"
"It sure is. Hey, maybe if we write our Congressman...You think that'll help get her out of here? Nah... They're probably too busy bashing us back home. Some might argue we deserve it." Stoic silence fell upon them.
Breaking the silence "Hey Walter, let's not go there, okay?"
"Okay Cheg. I've got a more pressing problem here anyway." A horrified look appeared on his face.
"Like what?"
"Her, that bitch. She's coming back to HELP me. She wants me to use the urinal. Shit!! I don't want her anywhere near my dick." He hissed through clenched teeth.
"Okay, okay take it easy. We'll think of something," AJ reassured him, trying desperately to think of something but his brain was temporarily out of order.
"Oh yeah? Like what? Hold it till the next shift begins? Shit, I can't hold it that long, I have to go now. I didn't get a chance before she removed that damn thing." Panic was starting to show in Walter's eyes.
"Okay, wait just a sec." AJ snuck his head around the screen and checked for their personal nightmare.
"All clear. If I can plan black ops then I can handle this too."
He checked around the screen again and seeing no sign of McGrath, he grabbed the urinal from the bedside table. Quickly, he pulled down Walter's blanket. Taking a deep breath, he took a hold of Walter's penis and placed it in the urinal. Walter relived himself with a long heartfelt sigh. When he was done, AJ shook him off and placed the urinal in the holder on the side of the bed. He was unaware that he was still holding Walter in his hand and that the organ was starting to react. As if in a trance he became aware of the twitching organ in his hand. Mesmerized, he watched it grow and unable to stop himself, gave it an encouraging little squeeze. An almost inaudible moan came out of Walter. AJ looked at the half erect cock as he stroked it with his thumb. It grew harder, the head turning purple. AJ's brain chanted
//OhmyGod ohmyGod...shit. I have another man's penis in my hand. No, wait, I have another man's ERECT penis in my hand.//
He wanted to run screaming from the room but was unable to move a muscle in his body, except his hand that seemed to have a life of it's own. His hand was stroking and squeezing with intent. Walter moaned, moving his hips the little he was able. Small noises that came out of Walter made AJ turn his head to look at him. Walter was glowing, a slight sheen of sweat combined with a flush. His eyes were half closed but his pupils sparkled under dark lashes.
//Beautiful// AJ thought //BEAUTIFUL! How the hell did I decide another man is beautiful? Fuck!! AJ your sanity just went out the window.//
Walter gasped and made a minute buck into AJ's hand. Walter's tongue snuck out to lick his lips and for a moment, AJ wanted to follow it with his own. Another buck and a "please" made AJ take another look at the cock in his hand. It was leaking clear fluid and he felt a sudden need to taste it. Without thinking, he leaned forward and brought his tongue into contact with Walter's stiff cock. It tasted of salt and he lapped at the head again and again. Suddenly he had the head in his mouth, swirling his tongue around and sucking it.
//Oh God! I'm actually sucking Walter's cock and...I think I...I like it. Shit!! How did this happen?!//
Lost in his thoughts, he didn't hear Walter's warning. Walter's orgasm exploded in his mouth and his reflexes made him swallow when the semen hit the roof of his mouth. He kept sucking while the organ softened and let it slip from his mouth. A panicked hiss from it's owner finally dragged him from his state.
"AJ! AJ, snap out of it!"
As he came to his senses, running the back of his hand over his mouth, he became acutely aware of the approaching footsteps. Grabbing the covers, he threw them back over Walter. Just then, McGrath appeared from behind the screen. AJ grabbed the urinal from its holder and held it out toward the nurse. His face turned crimson and "Here" was all he could say. She looked from the urinal to Skinner and back again, seeming almost disappointed. Handing over the urinal, AJ bolted without a backward glance. He went straight to his bed and worked at getting his breathing back under control. It was a few minutes before he noticed his own aching erection. He lay silent, stunned by his body's reaction. McGrath walked past his bed with Walter's urinal.
"Pssst. Hey, AJ, you okay?" Walter required from behind the screen.
Clearing his throat. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Uh... I owe you one... that is if ...you know." He hesitated. "Just say when...Okay?"
An image of Walter's mouth engulfing his cock shot across AJ's mind. He could feel the desire to thrust into that wet mouth. The image died out quickly, only to be replaced by another image of him thrusting into tight heat as Walter pressed back to meet his thrusts. The combination was enough to make AJ come without even touching himself.
"Oh my G..." he sighed as the spasms left him drained.
Chuckles came from behind the screen. Walter had heard.
"Skinman, I'm all yours but only if you're up for a repeat." An impish grin spread across his face. He couldn't believe it, but it seemed so right.
"You're on, squid." Walter laughed.
* * * * *
AJ shook himself from his reverie as the elevator doors opened in front of him. Stepping in, he remembered leaving Walter behind in the hospital to rejoin his SEAL team, and the pain and regret he had felt in doing so. Pulling something short of a miracle, he had managed months later to get R&R time in conjunction with Walter's release.
Today was the exact date. Today, thirty years ago, he picked Walter up at the VA hospital. They'd spent the last few days together, before Walter was shipped back to the states and AJ went back to join his SEAL team. Those had probably been the best days of his life, right up there with his wedding day and Francesca's birth.
AJ moved to the back of the elevator. His thoughts wandered back to Walter who had occupied his mind almost constantly. A lot of *what ifs* had been running through his head. Lately, especially, he was wondering what would have happened if Walter had waited for him.
//Could I really have had given up my career for him? Could Walter have given up his own? I'm not sure.//
At the time all he could do was smile, as he desperately tried to keep himself together. His heart had been broken. It had taken years, before his heart resembled anything close to whole, by that time Marcella, Francesca and his SEAL team was gone. Gone, nothing left but a lonely existence. No matter who had entered his bed, even though he had cared for that person, they hadn't gained a place in his heart. Maybe that was why there was always that quiet loneliness following him around. Always something missing.
//*Shit,* lying to myself. Way to go AJ!! You know darn well that *something,* the someone you'd been waiting for, had always been Walter.//
A heavy sigh earned him sideway glances from the other occupants of the elevator.
//Oh Walter, what fools we've been. Well, today's the day. Today we're going to fix this. Never again am I going to let other people stand in our way.//
The shit-eating grin grew wider, almost predatory. His confidence rose patting the small box in his pocket.
//Yes, it's time to attack. He's not going to know what hit him.// At that thought, his enthusiasm deflated a little.
// Yeah right! Lying again are we? Shit! He's going to take one look at me and I'll turn into a babbling fool like I always do, losing my nerve to tell him how I really feel, what I want. Yeah, what do you want, AJ? Be honest here! *Him.* I want every thing with him. To stop dwelling on the past and create the future. That is this mission's goal. *Create the future*... our future... together.// The ping of the elevator doors opening stirred him from his internal monologue, and he made it out of the elevator just before the doors closed on him.
AJ walked into Skinner's front office where Kim was sitting behind her desk.
"Hi, Kim. Is he finished for the day? Can I go straight in?" he asked, gesturing at the office door.
"Admiral, sir. Well, he was, but one of the agents is with him right now. He insisted on seeing the AD. It shouldn't take long, sir." She gave him a strained smile and cast an anxious look towards Skinner's door.
As he turned to follow her glance, he heard the raised angry voices, which quickly turned into yelling. Suddenly the door was ripped open and a man stormed out. He ran straight into AJ and just for a second, hazel eyes met soft brown.
"Excuse me." The man walked around him and left. AJ watched him go then sent Kim an inaudible question by raising his eyebrows, she sent one right back, just shaking her head.
"Kim, have you....Oh there you are. Come on in, Cheg." Walter held the door and let AJ in.
"Kim, I'll be leaving soon, so why don't you finish up here and go home? Have a nice weekend."
"Thank you, sir, you too. I'm already done here, so I'll be leaving now. See you Monday, sir."
As Walter closed the door AJ noticed how tired he looked.
"Hey." Trying to lighten the mood AJ flashed a million dollar grin.
"Hey yourself, squid."
"So what...No hug?" AJ's grin lost some of the brightness.
"Sorry, I've been just a little distracted. Office politics.kind of." Walter seemed deflated. That had AJ worried.
"Come here Walter, you look like you could really use a big old bear hug."
Walter slipped silently into his arms. He buried his face in AJ's neck, breathing in his scent and letting it comfort him. As always, it soothed him and began stripping away all his worries. Strange, he thought, how a scent could ground him like that. AJ used his hands to run slow gentle circles across his back. Sensing the man in his arms was slowly relaxing, AJ tightened his grip.
[[Ahhh...feels so good. It's been far too long. I've been too busy to notice how I miss this. How I miss him. AJ, the love of my life. In his arms, nothing else matters. Nothing, nothing-just me and him.]]
Two men standing in the middle of a room silently giving and receiving love. The last tension ebbed from Walter's body, as he nuzzled AJ's neck, sniffing him. It, the scent, almost made him high. He lost himself in the Admiral's smell, remembering the first time he smelled it.
* * * * *
I woke up in a panic, unable to move. A shudder went through me. A moment later, I felt a minute squeeze. I suddenly realized that someone was holding me. There was a feel of stubble grazing my forehead.
What...Who?
I decided to take a look instead of asking questions I couldn't answer anyway. Turning up my chin, I opened my eyes. I found myself looking straight into AJ's sleeping face. His face was smooth in sleep and he looked like a little kid even though he was older than me.
My eyes lingered over his full lips that just begged to be kissed. All I had to do was raise myself a couple of inches. I moved up, brushing a feather light kiss on his soft lips. AJ stirred in his sleep, moving his lips with an automatic response against mine. Suddenly, I was shivering with goose bumps all over.
Oh God, so good.
The object of my attention shifted and began to awaken. I could not help but respond to AJ's semi-conscious necking.
I remember thinking, "Are those his lips on my forehead? God please move them lower, come on, lower, lower -yes, yes- almost there."
His hand was in my hair, his scent was making me fly. Unsuccessfully, I tried to squash a moan as I noticed the considerable erection pressed against my hip. I was in heaven. Unfortunately, my moan woke up AJ. I almost sighed in disappointment. As AJ eased out of bed, I was strangely relieved that he had not sensed my growing erection. For a moment I wished that I was able to jack myself off so I could take a piss.
No, I realized, I had to piss first.
I tried to think of something to make my erection diminish. But all I could think about was AJ. How he felt when he was holding me. For the longest time I felt safe and..loved? I thought I was going crazy. AJ was straight, married with a child on the way for God's sake!
In my musings, I hadn't heard the footsteps coming closer.
"Mr. Skinner, I see we are doing better."
Then she noticed the tent pole under the blanket. To my horror, she just about ripped the covers down. The erection was painful enough with the catheter in but the fullness of my bladder was making it worse. An evil grin crossed her face.
"Well well well, Mr. Skinner." She tsked and shook her head. "Don't you worry now. I'll take care of that."
Before I could protest, she had grabbed my dick and squeezed it really hard. I thought my eyes would pop right out of my head. I gasped for breath. Just as I was convinced that nothing could possibly hurt more, she ripped out the catheter. I squashed a scream, not wanting to give the bitch the satisfaction of hearing it.
Her evil grin grew wider as she traced her finger along my shaft.
I had to go so bad. But I would be damned if I'd ask her for help. I'd rather piss myself.
"I'll be right back to help you, sweetie." A grin of sheer evil had graced her features.
"It's about time we got you started using the urinal, don't you think? Now don't you worry, I'll be around to help you."
The promise of more pain to come hung in the air as she turned to leave.
At least the erection was gone, easing some of the need. At that thought, the need to pee came back with a vengeance.
* * * * *
A shiver went through him at the remembered terror. AJ tightened his grip and ran his hand up and down Walter's back.
"You okay Skinman?"
"Yeah." The word slipped past lips with a sigh. "Yeah, just a nasty flashback."
"Care to tell me about it?"
"One word: McGrath!" Walter's nostrils flared as he spat out the name. They both shivered involuntary.
"You know, I thought about her today." AJ nuzzled the top of his head placing tiny kisses along the long gone hairline.
"Really? You know it was a good thing that you were there to protect me. I wouldn't have survived if you hadn't been there. I would have lost my balls that's for sure. I'm so glad you made sure she didn't get her hands on my private parts ever again."
Thinking back, after the incident, AJ had always been a couple of steps ahead of McGrath, helping him with every personal need he'd had.
"Thank God. Did you ever watch that movie...Ah what's it's name? Jack Nicholson was in it, he was in a loony bin."
"What, you mean "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"?"
"Yeah that's the one. There was this nurse."
"Nurse Ratchett."
"You know, I never knew how it ended, I couldn't watch it. It made me physically sick. Sharon and I went to the movie theater to watch it and I spent most of the time in the restroom. Told her I had a stomach bug."
"Maybe we should look up McGrath."
"Yeah and pull out her uterus through her big mouth, then kill her. But not before removing all her body hair, one by one with tweezers. " A shiver went through Walter.
"Shit! Just the thought of touching her makes me want to puke."
"Well, maybe we should just... thank her."
"WHAT?" Walter's head shot up from AJ's shoulder where it had been resting peacefully.
"Well, if it hadn't been for her, I would never have touched you."
"No?"
"I think it was the one single time in my life that I've acted completely impulsively. I mean, without even thinking of the action or the repercussions. I just followed my instinct. Without her and her evil twisted mind, I don't think I would ever have been in that position."
"Never thought about it that way. So, does that mean we can't kill her?"
"No, we can't kill her, Walter."
"Just a little bit? Please? Remember that I'm an Assistant Director of the FBI. I bet we could get away with it. I know all the loopholes."
"In that case, I better remember to always stay on your good side. Let's forget about McGrath. Tonight is about us, just you and me."
"So, what have you got planned?"
"I heard something about, 'The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.' So my plan includes good food and great wine. I made reservations at your favorite restaurant."
"Ah... Italian that will get you places. You're a clever man, AJ."
"Actually clever has nothing to do with it." Winking at the man in his arms. His hand graced a small box that was burning a hole in his pocket and he wondered if he should take it out or wait. Walter's reply decided it.
"Oh really...in that case, lets go."
* * * * *
ANNIVERSARY DINNER
Friday night
"So he's back and you're giving him hell..." Walter was wearing a smug grin. AJ didn't answer.
"I'll bet you have the most boring assignments for him. Make him suffer, AJ. He deserves it for leaving. Walking out on you of all people..."
Walter knew all too well what loyalty meant to AJ. He recalled what Marcella leaving had done to his friend. He remembered the anguish in AJ's voice when he had called him back then, it had torn at his own heart. Walter had been on a plane less than two hours later. That had been the only time Walter had ever been unfaithful to Sharon in their 17-year marriage. The first tumble had been heated, fast and hard. When that was out of the way, they made slow, passionate love. It had been so sweet, beautiful even. It was a memory that still had a profound effect on him. Touched him deeply. He guessed that it meant the same to AJ. Actually he didn't have to guess, he knew. That encounter had almost made him leave Sharon right then and there. Walter had the feeling that something was up today but what it was, he couldn't figure out. Other than that, it was apparent AJ was nervous. But Walter knew he'd find out when AJ was good and ready.
"Yeah, well it kind of came as a surprise. What an understatement. Hell!! I can and do expect a lot from Rabb but not that. Still, I've never been that disappointed..." //Well maybe I have but that's got nothing to do with him.// He looked up from his plate, meeting gentle brown eyes across the table. Trying desperately to hold on to his Admiral's demeanor, yet not quite succeeding.
That earned him raised eyebrows and Walter trying to suppress a teasing smile.
[[Ah, AJ hiding again are we? Come on, big boy, let it out. You can do it.]]
"Okay, so I was hurt." He shrugged "It seemed like he didn't respect me. Didn't even talk to me about what he was thinking before he turned up with the signed form requesting a change in designator. It was like he didn't even care. Hell!! Why didn't he just shoot me?!"
The last came out in a raised voice. AJ had guilt written on his face. It didn't sit well with him to have given that away, not even to Walter, and he knew that he knew.
"AJ, if I know you, and I can say with absolute certainty that *I* do..." Walter took a deep breath letting the air out in a huff. "*You* cut him down, did you not? He didn't get a chance in hell to square anything with you, now did he!!" AJ was shuffling his food around the plate not even looking at him. He tried again.
"Did you even talk to him??" Walter sighed and leaned back in the chair.
"AJ, why not talk now that he's back? He's been back for months. You're old enough to know not to let a mistake like that go unresolved." Walter was still not getting a response so he leaned forward, elbows on the table, chin resting on folded hands. [[*Shit* what the fuck's the matter with him today? Something's wrong, something that has nothing to do with this conversation. What the hell could it be?]]
AJ still would not meet his eyes. He was thinking to himself how he hated that Walter had always been able to make him feel so insecure. Turning him into a babbling fool. He had so many things he wanted to say to him but had never been able to. The words on his tongue just stuck there as if glued.
Walter sighed. "God you are a pigheaded, stubborn old fool." He leaned back, leaving his hand on the table, absently playing with his napkin. Looking up with uncertainty in his eyes it made AJ look like a lost little boy. He hurriedly fixed them on Walter's hand.
"Yeah...but you love me anyway..." Rather than a statement, it came out a question with a slight whine. Horrified with his own response, AJ scrambled mentally for his surly demeanor. He cursed inwardly, damning his loss of control. There was too much riding on this evening for him to fuck it up like this. The least he could do was sounding like he had it together. //Okay, take it easy and let's see if you can turn this around.// Finally he was able to steel his uncertainties.
[[Unbelievable. A man who just turned fifty looking like a schoolboy,]] thought Walter. [[And he wants, craves my approval and love.]]
"Yes I do, I told you a long time ago that it would never change and I was right. I will never stop loving you no matter how stubborn, pigheaded, annoying, loyal, kind, loveable, gorgeous and sexy you are." He flashed AJ a blinding smile.
"You forgot virile." AJ grinned back.
"I did, didn't I." Walters smile turned to a devilish grin. [[Don't I know it.]]
//Okay AJ, get it out, I know you can do it.// Taking a deep breath to steady himself, AJ tried to relax his tense body. //Here we go.//
"Walter, I...I think we should celebrate, I mean it is kind of an anniversary, right?"
"Hey, we are celebrating." Looking more closely at the man across the table, Walter noticed he was turning a pretty shade of pink. "So, what did you have in mind?" [[As if I didn't know.]]
//Oh God! He's doing it again. He's going to make me say it.// Looking around trying to seem inconspicuous taking in the surroundings. // Okay, okay- take a deep breath let it out slowly. Don't panic. You can do this, you can, you can. Here we go. I can do confident. Do it all the time. Yeah... right then why do I feel like a bug about to get squashed?// AJ managed to put his face into relaxed folds.
"Well, I thought...Why-why not celebrate the way we did back then, you know..." AJ's ears turned crimson. Berating himself for sounding so pathetic, he started shuffling his food around again.
Walter almost laughed out loud.[[Oh...Now we're getting somewhere.]]
"Oh, you mean me fucking you through the mattress?" He suppressing a grin at AJ's suddenly upturned face. "Hell, AJ, I'd love to. Your place or mine? Perhaps we should go to your place, since it's closer."
"Sure, okay."
"AJ, you okay? AJ? Please look at me."
"Walter, I'm sorry...I...I feel like... like everyone is looking at me and they know."
"What? It's not like you to be so self-conscious. What is really wrong? Come on, you can tell me."
"It is really stupid...I mean really stupid. You will laugh, I just know you will."
"No I won't...I promise. Come on, give."
"I do not know where this came from, but all of a sudden I feel like thirty years ago. All nervous and shaking like a virgin about to get his cherry popped. I know...I know it is stupid. I told you it was."
"No it's not...it is kind of sweet actually. I do hope you knew back then that it meant the world to me, to be able to make love to you. It still does. They aren't empt words, I love you. I have from the first time I met you." He reached for AJ's hand across the table, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"AJ, please look at me!" He met Walter's soft eyes. "I...Love...You. Do not dare to ever forget that. No matter what happens, nothing and I do mean nothing, will ever... ever change that." There was uncertainty still on the big guy's face.
[[ Damn Marcella for doing this to him. And me, I never should have married Sharon. If only I had waited.]]
"Why didn't I wait?"
It took a moment before he realized he'd said it out loud. When he did, he looked at AJ and spoke from his heart.
"I have loved you for more than thirty years, what could possibly make you think that I would suddenly just stop?"
"But you love Mulder too!" Walter tried to protest. "Don't lie to me...I know...I can see it in your eyes- they light up like a Christmas tree when you talk about him." Shifting in his seat, trying to shake the hurt look he knew was showing.
"And you always do, you know! I can't think of a single time we've spent together since you've known him, when his name didn't come up in some context." In his mind there was an instant recall of Mulder running into him in Walter's front office, compared to Mulder, AJ felt old and unable to compete.
"Me? What about you and Rabb? Are you in love with him? You mention him every time we talk. Do you want him in your bed? Well, do you?"
"No!!" AJ sputtered. "I want you! I've never even looked at another man that way let alone thought about making love to one. And certainly not Rabb!"
AJ tried to calm down, hoping no one in the restaurant would notice their intent stare and raised voices.
"Rabb is more like the son I never had. When I talk about him, it is with the love and pride of a father. But you already knew that, didn't you, Walter?"
"Yes I did and you're right. I do love Mulder, but it does not change anything between you and I. Please believe that."
"If you could have him, would you?"
Skinner didn't answer for a moment.
"AJ come on, let's go home to bed." He gave him a big smile, but only got a hesitated one in return.
"But you-"
"AJ, let's not go there. It doesn't matter. I don't have a chance in hell with Mulder. And even if I did have a shot at him..." He took a deep breath, "you mean more to me than anyone."
Walter saw that AJ still wasn't convinced. He needed to hold him, kiss him, to make love to this wonderful man. His need was growing to almost unbearable heights.
[[If he will not hear my words, then I'll just have to show him.]] A mischievous grin spread across Walter's face. [[Yeah, I'll show him all right.]] The grin Walter sported made AJ's heart jump.
"Cheg, take off your right shoe."
"What? Why?"
"Just do it."
"It's off."
"Now, put you foot in my crotch."
"I can't do that here! Someone is bound to see." A slight panic showed in his eyes.
"No, the tablecloth will cover it. Do it!"
Lifting his foot, AJ placed it carefully in Walter's lap. He felt the warmth of a hard bulge twitching under the sole of his foot.
"Oh..."
"That is all for you, all because of you. No one else. You do that to me." Deliberately, he licked his lips slowly. "Come on, put your shoe back on and let's get out of here. I want to lick every inch of that gorgeous body of yours." That earned him a huge grin and the sparkle returned to AJ's eyes.
"Every inch?" he asked teasingly. The desire ran down his spine to pool in his cock, making it twitch and dance with excitement.
"Yes, every last one. And *if* you are a really good boy, maybe I will kiss and suck it too."
The comment left a steely determination in AJ's eye and a wet spot on his dress pants.
"Let's go NOW, Marine." He rose unsteadily from his seat.
"We have to wait for the waiter, AJ."
"He can't have you. You're mine."
Walter laughed out loud at that.
He pulled out a stack of bills and left them on the table. In less than 10 seconds, they were out the door.
to be continued....