Because I still can't comment on JHP I don't think...dashallJuly 10 2011, 00:32:42 UTC
WWWWWWTTTTTTFFFFFFFFF PAUL THAT'S WHAT YOU GET HA HA.
Ahem. Yeah. As for you, good job at writing, again. I love your Brian, as usual. But-- and I hope you don't take this too hard-- I think it was a bit too early for John to be sad when he was talking to Brian and Brian was trying to convince him it was okay. I think John needed to be angrier. But Paul's reaction and John's final reaction were good!
Hope you didn't take that criticism too hard!! I do really like this.
Re: Because I still can't comment on JHP I don't think...grl_in_redJuly 10 2011, 22:09:37 UTC
Oh no that's fine. I like a bit of criticism. See, the thing I was thinking was that John's been feeling a bit weird about all this secrecy for a while now. It's not a sudden thing. But it IS being brought out now because he's had a bit to drink. This isn't a totally sober John, remember. Also, he was angry. Just, with John, the anger is mixed with fear of abandonment, which stokes the anger... he's feeling a lot of emotions. I felt I could play with his emotion a bit because of his drinking, but I know what you mean. And I don't take it badly at all. ^_^
Pt. 6/7 (because I refure to join JHP)dashallAugust 23 2011, 17:38:31 UTC
1) it was good, of course. It's you, so it's gotta be good. 2) It was short, yes, but it's fine, because you areeee gonna finish it all up pt. 7, right? Right?? 3) Your characerization of George is SO GOOD. I really don't know how you can make all of them so fucking in character, you're amazing. His subtelties, his eyebrows, his clipped tone dealing with bitchy!john. That was great. Umm... some criticism, hmm... well, there are a few comma splices in there. There wasn't as much Brian narrative as you had first chapter, so that was a bit disappointing. It was more actions and quotes rather than narrative, so it was hard for me to get really into the chapter. But overall, very well done! Your dialogue was perfect.
Re: Pt. 6/7 (because I refure to join JHP)grl_in_redAugust 23 2011, 20:41:09 UTC
Haha you're so funny Brigid. Refusing to join jhp is very much a principled action for you! xD
Thanks, I'm really glad you enjoyed the dialogue, especially George. That makes me happy. :D And yeah I know it's a short chapter, but there will be one more chapter where everything's wrapped up. Also, there's gonna be a lot of action/dialogue now, 'cause things are happening fast and there's not much time for narrative. The last chapter will have more Brian POV though.
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Seriously I am so lazy. But ok. :P
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Ahem. Yeah. As for you, good job at writing, again. I love your Brian, as usual. But-- and I hope you don't take this too hard-- I think it was a bit too early for John to be sad when he was talking to Brian and Brian was trying to convince him it was okay. I think John needed to be angrier. But Paul's reaction and John's final reaction were good!
Hope you didn't take that criticism too hard!! I do really like this.
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2) It was short, yes, but it's fine, because you areeee gonna finish it all up pt. 7, right? Right??
3) Your characerization of George is SO GOOD. I really don't know how you can make all of them so fucking in character, you're amazing. His subtelties, his eyebrows, his clipped tone dealing with bitchy!john. That was great.
Umm... some criticism, hmm... well, there are a few comma splices in there. There wasn't as much Brian narrative as you had first chapter, so that was a bit disappointing. It was more actions and quotes rather than narrative, so it was hard for me to get really into the chapter. But overall, very well done! Your dialogue was perfect.
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Thanks, I'm really glad you enjoyed the dialogue, especially George. That makes me happy. :D And yeah I know it's a short chapter, but there will be one more chapter where everything's wrapped up. Also, there's gonna be a lot of action/dialogue now, 'cause things are happening fast and there's not much time for narrative. The last chapter will have more Brian POV though.
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