where do you go now when you're only 15 (or in this case 20...)?
so yeah, ok... um... didn't get much insight into my dad homeless conversation... but thanks nicky and becka <3 <3
um... i guess i've been thinking about a lot of stuff so this is just going to be a list of my assorted thoughts... it might flow... it might not... so bear with me, and thank you so much for reading this.
1) Florida was a good thing for me, and i'm not sure if i should have left.
* Ok... so I did get cheated out of a job. I was making next to nothing... and there wasn't much to do there... but maybe it was a good thing. i mean what do i have here? I don't have a job... I have relatively no friends... just people that i casually talk to online and see at shows. in Florida... I still had that, the casual online thing... I made a couple friends... and i was able to focus on other things. like eating right and excercising... and being at home now... i still sleep at odd hours. I still do nothing... and now i'm jobless... that means NO income... ok 5 bucks an hour is better than 0...
2) I think the internet hurts me more than it helps me.
~ Ok. it's really great having friends all over the country. I mean. I never thought that i would give two shits about canada let alone visit there every few months... and I never thought i'd meet anyone from australia... let alone befriend someone... but like... it really makes me sad having people spread across the country when it would be so more convenient for them to be living down the block or across town. It would make me feel like less of an antisocial troll. I mean you name the state and i probably have talked to someone from there. I just wish that i never got into this whole fucking music internet bulllllshit. fuck this. I want to know what my life would be like if i continued going to school. i'd probably be happier.
3) why can't i live in New Jersey... or New York... or the east coast anywhere.
^ they get all of the best shows... bands never skip over the east coast... and if they do, they double back there and do a million extra shows. Skate and surf would be fucking perfect for me. fucking perfect... to get my head straight. kick back and get warmed up for warped... but no. If it was in Ohio... or Indy... or Wisconsin... Il... fuck even pensylvania i would be there in a heart beat... but a 13 hr drive... and seeing as i have like limited people that would even CONSIDER going with me... Fuck man.
4) I don't even wish that i was extremely wealthy... i just wish that i had enough money.
!!!! enough money to go to college whereever... maybe a small trust that would have paid for me to travel for a year... maybe have enough connections to get a fucking decent job... a couple thousand to buy a little bit nicer car, one that could get me around the country to visit people. and enough money to replace that car when i kill it. maybe enough money to go to 10 shows a month. I'm not even saying that i want to have it handed to me. I would work of course, but wouldn't it be cool to have enough to get by and then some... and be able to do volunteer work? or do a job you really love (even if it doesn't pay well?) I can't watch tv anymore because i get really fucking mad. I mean... the voices of the simpsons... who make like 125,000 an episode anyway, want more money? i mean if i had 125,000 dollars... FUck if i had 5,000 i would be fucking excited to be alive.
5) I hate our society.
&&&& I hate all of our values. I hate our morals. and i hate organized religion. rap music... songs about killing hos and shit. what the fuck? i mean honestly. 50cent. good for you, you're off the street. you're not getting shot at anymore... how bout you stop singing about it. k thanks. the emaciated hilton sisters cover our magazines. Little girls want to be dirrrrty. People go on talk shows to embarass themselves. every other week another osbourne is going into rehab. How is any of that important?
and religion... ok.
I'm just done. I can't do it anymore. why should your faith be based around some ritualistic gathering on sundays? I mean, how is spending your sunday with 1000 other people standing and kneeling... more profound that your own personal exchanges with "god" or your own prayer... hello... most priests are pedophiles anyway... yet we force our little boys and girls to go to church and talk to reverand so and so. I refuse to believe that I am damned to hell because I wont participate in Mass anymore. Bible beaters make me Ill. I can't do it anymore. I think I'm officially agnostic. not athiest... not anything else...
6) I'm about ready to just stop caring about the music "scene" anymore...
i mean honestly... I get treated like shit. I feel out of place. The bands that i promote and idolize and would practically KILL for don't really give two shits about me anyway... so why bother? the only way to make it in a scene is to be a guy... and be in the band. or tech for the band. or do merch for the band. Or be a male fan. Or be a male friend. You cannot be credible if you are a female (unless you're the singer or something) fuck... even chick singers don't get respect. I mean what the hell... No matter what you look like... if you are at some exclusive event... or backstage... or in front of a barrier... you are assumed to be some sort of slut. Some cheap whore.
yeah, an old teacher who i'll just refer to as "the leatherfaced cunt" who was my western civilization teacher in grade 9... is in her mid-late 30's and started attending a lot of concerts. It wasn't long before we started hearing rumors about her hoing it up... getting dirty in the back of simple plan's bus... etc... I run into her sometimes at shows. most of the time she's drunk. Most of the time she has a pass. Last time, she was at the secret acoustic ataris show... the show that like 20 people were at... i saw her in the bathroom... and she alluded to the fact that she hears about me all of the time... and that i'm having a lot of "fun" ok... whatever that means...
(maybe i contradict myself by saying that she's a whore after a rant about not being respected and being an assumed whore... but this is substantiated... the woman acts like she's a teenager, and is also rumored to have slept with many graduating seniors. almost one in every class... and i've seen her throw herself and young cute male teachers... not a pretty sight)
anyway back to leatherface... my brother still attends the high school that i went to. he found himself in old leatherface's classroom one afternoon. She came in... and what did she ask him?
she asked him if i was a groupie.
Ok, that's real great. An actual groupie is assuming that i am one as well? what the fuck. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK. I'm barely ever backstage. I know like zero bands... and anywhere i end up... it's by luck... I fucking resent that!
fuck.
ok if you're still reading... thanks i guess. i'm going to ask for comments again but i don't expect any.
I am just so fucking bitter toward anyone and everyone that is getting something out of their own life. I don't think I'm getting shit. FUCK. so fucking.. alsdjasd
hmm... what can i get out of all of that... all the shit that i said?
1) try to cope with being in chicago... er the suburbs
2) stop investing anything into internet friendships. I dunno if i should be online much while i work this shit out... I guess i'll see how important i really am to everyone. No doubt i'll be disappointed. (708)369-4842=my cell.
3) stop whining about not living on the east coast
4) Get a job. Make investments. Stop spending on stupid shit.
5) not watch tv, stop buying into gossip, get out more, and look into a alternative to religion.
6)Listen to the music i like. go to the shows i want to see... and expect NOTHING. ask for NOTHING. and stop putting myself in situations where people can accuse me of being a whore.
*shrug* if you want to know what that is in relation to... you should PROBABLY HAVE CLICKED ON MY CUT. Or I'LL CUT YOU.